My Family (2000) s04e11 Episode Script

Well, this is it.
We're officially on holiday.
Ha-ha! Ooh.
Oh! It's great to finally have the chance to relax and unwind for a change.
For a change? You? You're always on holiday.
A holiday for you would be getting a job.
I'm surprised that travel agents don't print brochures of you.
I'm surprised they don't call you Nick Holiday.
All right, Father, you've made your point.
Don't take it to heart, Nick.
A few days in the sun, you won't recognise him.
But I'll know his voice.
So this is where it begins.
- Holiday hell.
- What is the matter with you? I don't know, Susan.
Maybe it was the five-year-old that kicked the back of my seat all the way from Gatwick.
Perhaps it was the rude, aggressive taxi driver who overcharged us for a series of hair-raising, death-defying experiences.
Oh, no, I know what it was.
Of course, it was the airline.
They've lost my suitcase.
Póngalas aqui, por favor.
Esto es para usted.
Well, it has all the basics, I suppose.
Well, at least you've got your new toy.
It's not a toy, Susan.
This is 800 pounds worth of cutting-edge technology.
Thank heavens for duty free.
The last time I send you out to look for a cup of coffee.
Just keep talking, Susan, I'm going to ignore you for a little while.
What are you doing? It's the space where my suitcase ought to be.
Evidence for the insurance company.
- Is that for the insurance company? - For the travel company - in case we have to complain.
- Complain about what? I'll tell you when I've seen the photos.
- Ooh! - Come on, Ben.
- Stop wasting film.
- There is no film, Susan.
- It's digital.
- Then stop wasting digits.
- We've got a microwave.
- Nick, we have a microwave at home.
Yeah, but it's different.
It's in Spain.
I'm sorry.
I do not see why we had to bring him along.
- Or him.
- Listen.
Because of my contacts in the industry, we got a free holiday for four.
A free holiday for four is damn well what we're gonna have.
Right, they've got washing powder here, just like we have.
Only it's called Fairy.
Those crazy guys.
- Nick, we have Fairy in England.
- No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.
- We don't.
- Why would we lie to you about that? - I don't know.
For attention? (Distant machinery) Yep.
Oh, I knew it.
A building site.
Mm-hm.
This is going straight in the book.
- It's miles away.
- That's the beauty of a zoom lens.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Cracked tile.
Mm-hm.
Hello.
Just photographing cracked tiles.
- For evidence.
- Oh, right Isn't it glorious to see the sun at last? Probably disappear behind that building before lunchtime.
- Then there's the smell.
- You're determined not to enjoy this.
Look, I'm happy, Michael's happy, Nick's happy.
You've all got your luggage.
Stop worrying about your clothes.
Why don't you borrow some of Nick's? I'd rather wear radioactive asbestos washed in sewage.
I was thinking more of a T-shirt and shorts.
I think we should hit the town after this.
Change out of those smelly clothes.
Susan, I have no clothes to change into.
If you don't stop complaining, there'll be no point in pushing these beds together.
Anyway, when I asked, the man at the airline desk assured me your case will be delivered to this address.
The man didn't understand a word you were saying.
- That's why I spoke to him in Spanish.
- I meant when you spoke Spanish.
You're just jealous.
Monoglot.
Oh, very nice.
Sea view.
- Why can't we have this room? - Because I am bigger than you.
- You're not bigger than me.
- What kind of argument is that? - I don't know, you started it.
- Actually, I started it.
- Get out, the pair of you.
- Give us the room and you can get out.
I'd throw a shoe at you except I can't afford to lose it.
Hmm.
Susan, when you suggested we come clothes shopping, I assumed you meant for me.
They are for you.
You're the one who's going to enjoy looking at them.
I'm just a vehicle for your pleasure.
- Where's my bag? - Hm? I thought I told you to watch my bag.
How can I watch your bag when it's not there? It's got everything in it.
My money, my credit cards.
Oh, my God, my lipstick! - Your lipstick? - I'll never find that shade again.
Excuse me, sir, madam.
We are from the Puerto del Carmen tourist police.
Ah, buenos dias, señor.
Que dia tan bueno.
Hace mucho color hoy, ? verdad? Yes, the weather is indeed excellent.
We are following a gang of bag snatchers in the area.
You lost your bag.
- Yes, yes, just now.
- It had her lipstick in it.
I feel so stupid and so does my husband.
No need to be ashamed.
These thieves are very clever.
- A gang of five or six women.
- Ah, cinco o seis women.
Did you happen to see a woman in a red dress? - No.
- Yes.
Yes, we did.
Don't you remember? - She had a cruel mouth.
- A hook for a hand.
Shut up, Ben.
I left it on the floor there and when I turned round, it was gone.
- This is very typical.
- Muy, muy tipico.
Susan, I don't speak Spanish.
They obviously speak perfectly good English.
So who are you translating for? I'm just trying to make them feel at home.
They are at home.
For pity's sake.
These people are excellent pickpockets.
I suggest you check your wallet, sir.
Yeah, OK.
- Right.
- May I? Good.
I suggest you visit a police station to get a crime number for insurance.
- Propósitos - Will you stop it? Good day.
And, please, don't let this spoil your visit.
Buenos dias.
Oh, what a pain.
I knew I shouldn't have left my bag with you.
- If you knew, why did you? - Because - I need a dress to cheer me up.
- Which one? - This one.
- As long as they don't steal it from you.
Thank you.
Right No, no, this one.
Where are my credit cards? They've just taken my I've been robbed.
You! You! !llegitimos! (Cheering on TV) Wow, this is fantastic.
It is so convincing.
What do you mean? This, the special effects.
It really does look like that bull is getting skewered.
- It is.
- Michael, you're so naive.
That is a clever blend of animatronics and CGI.
Did you think Jurassic Park was real? - No.
- There you are.
Do you think grown-up people would spend three hours in a hot, dusty arena tormenting a fellow creature to death? - Yes.
- The country would be up in arms.
Don't be so insular.
It's different here.
You're telling me.
You know they've got a washing powder here called Fairy.
We have Fairy in England.
Yeah.
But did you know that in Spain you can buy a beer at the age of 16? Yeah, why do you think I'm here? Mum, Dad, just popping out for postcards! - Nick, you coming? - For postcards? Are you joking? Suit yourself, I was buying.
Ah, hello, yes.
Mi nombre es Señora Susan Harper.
- ?Cómo está usted? - Susan, hello.
You're phoning London.
- I know, but, you know, when in Rome.
- We're not in Rome, we're in hell.
Yes, that's right, Susan Harper.
- And my husband's name? - Oh, God! Norman Wisdom.
I wonder what this one does.
Oi-oi.
(Laughs) Wow.
Oh, yeah.
That is fantastic.
Hey! What the hell? I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there.
Are you taking pictures of me? I certainly wasn't.
Look.
Oh, my God.
Ah, sorry, er didn't mean to.
I don't care whether you meant to or not, just stop it! Stop what? What's going on here? - Nothing.
- He's taking pornographic photos of me.
- What? - I most certainly was not.
I mean, come on.
- Come on, what? - I wouldn't take pornographic photos.
I mean, you know, if I did What I'm trying to say is, if I did, I wouldn't take one of her.
- What do you mean by that? - Why not? - Not that you're not attractive.
- Oh, really? It's like that bloke at the health club.
- Why don't we forget the whole thing? - First hand over that film.
Oh, but there is no film.
It's digital.
It's brilliant.
If you get a USB connector and put it on your laptop, you can print out as many photos as you want.
It's amazing.
Hey, you can even put it on the internet.
Give me that camera or I'm coming over there to get it.
Leave it, Rod.
Don't want any trouble.
Not on the first day.
OK, OK.
I suppose you're right.
- But I'm watching you! - I'm watching you.
Or perhaps not.
Or your wife.
Sea view.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Well, that's settled, then.
Eh? Fantastic.
Well done.
- Cards and cash arrive in three days.
- Three days? - How are we gonna eat? - Simple.
We go to a restaurant and say we'll pay for it some other time.
- Always works, doesn't it? - I know.
Maybe I can borrow some money from the couple next door.
No! No! No way.
No, sorry.
I'm not having my wife go cap in hand.
No, you're far too beautiful, too precious, for that.
What have you done? The husband thinks that I took a picture of his wife's breasts.
And did you? Yes.
- But not in the way he thinks.
- How many ways are there? This is a very sophisticated camera.
- All right, when did this happen? - Just now.
- While you were on the phone.
- God! I can't leave you alone for a minute.
It's like minding a toddler.
We're stuck.
So what are we supposed to do now? On the bright side, if we haven't any money to spend, this holiday will be even more free than we expected.
- It's not like a holiday at all.
- There's always the beach.
Great, I can make a credit card out of kelp.
Ah, you see, you're feeling better already.
- Shouldn't we wait for Michael? - Never mind him.
There's barely enough for us.
I know how we can make some quick cash.
- Yes, Susan? - You could sell your body.
You could sell your body.
They make handbags here, don't they? There was a spaceship.
Great.
That's the last of the money.
Not exactly.
You've got money? Why didn't you give it to us? You didn't ask.
- Nick.
Nick.
- Yes, Dad? May I borrow some money? No.
- Nick - No.
Don't you help him.
He has to learn by himself.
Go on.
- Nick.
- Hmm? I beg of you, we desperately need the money.
We cannot survive without it.
Certainly, Dad.
There you are.
Is that it? Is that how you say thank you? I don't think it is.
Right, we'll try again.
But this time mean it.
Yeah, you had to be there, dude.
He had to ask me for money.
He was practically on his knees.
Oh, the power.
Yeah! By the way, did you get your postcards? What? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, Nick, I've gotta go.
Business.
- Ben.
- (Buzzing) Shh.
Hah! Got it! Ha-ha! - Look at that.
- Well, at least we can eat tomorrow.
That's the taxi driver.
That's the guy who stole the credit cards.
Yep.
That's Nick.
OK.
Ah! The hunter returns from the chase.
You wouldn't understand, Susan.
It's Spanish.
It's machismo.
- It's a mosquito.
- Nevertheless, to the victor the spoils.
(Yells) My sunburn.
- Oh So we can't? - No.
- Not even? - No.
- What about? - Out of the question.
So, let me summarise.
No clothes.
Robbed.
Starved.
Bitten.
Nick holding the purse strings.
And now no sex.
I didn't say no sex.
I said no sex for you.
- (Buzzing) - This one is you, Susan.
- Oh! - For God's sake, leave it alone.
- (Buzzing) - Ow! Little bugger.
Kill them.
Kill them all.
- (Ben) How do you like that, baby? - Ow! (Susan) No, not there.
Yes, there, there, there.
(Ben) Shh! Don't! - (Banging) - (Susan) You missed.
(Ben) I'm going to have to get a rolled-up newspaper.
(Susan) Oh, yes, go on.
A large one.
- The bigger the better.
- Very big.
- I didn't know you read Spanish.
- I don't.
I just look at the pictures.
- Where's your father? - I just lent him some of my clothes.
You'd think he'd be grateful.
The shoes are his.
- Right, breakfast.
- I don't eat breakfast.
I meant our breakfast.
- My money.
- Nick, give.
All right, but first you have to make a noise like a monkey.
You're going to be making a noise like a stuck pig in a moment.
- You first.
- Nick, dear, may I have some money? Yes, please.
Eggs, sausage, cappuccino.
No.
I need this money for sunburn and mosquito cream.
I need this money for food.
OK, I'll tell you what.
I'll buy the cream, rub it on.
Whatever's left, you can eat.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna go and get myself some breakfast.
- You said you didn't eat breakfast.
- I don't.
I'm just gonna toy with it.
Coming, Mum? (Monkey noises) Oh, God.
Oh, it's so good.
Oh, that is really Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Ah - Mum, it's the man! - Er, no (Ben) No! No! Please! Perhaps it would be better if we speak English.
No, no, no.
Don't help me.
Señora.
Ow Uh Uh This is all your fault.
- Why are you blaming me? - You're nearest.
Dear, dear.
You have been in the wars, haven't you? Do you have anything useful to say? Or to eat? Both.
I can't bear to see you like this.
So I've decided to take you out to a nice restaurant.
My treat.
Really? Oh, that would be lovely.
- What's the catch? - No, there's no catch.
I just feel sorry for you.
I mean, you look dirty, dishevelled, battered, smelly, old All right, you've made your point.
Offer accepted.
I wonder where Michael is.
- Sure you don't want something else? - No, thank you, that was delicious.
Benjamin? Dessert? Coffee? Liqueurs? I couldn't eat another thing.
Thank you.
Do you want to hear something really funny? Go on.
Let's hear it.
I don't have any money.
- What? - I'm broke.
Skint.
Cleaned out.
Brassic.
Nick, you said that this was a treat.
And it was, wasn't it? What happened to all the money you had? - I bought a hat.
- What? - A big hat.
- Well, where is it? It blew off.
It blew off? If I'd said it had got eaten by a donkey, you'd never have believed me.
Do not worry.
Do not fear.
- I have a plan.
- Oh, God Put a cockroach in Dad's salad.
All you do is complain to the manager and he'll give you a free meal.
Nick, there isn't a cockroach in my salad.
I thought this might happen.
You've eaten it.
OK, OK, there's always plan B.
Run.
I can't run.
My sunburn.
No, you go on without me.
I'll only slow you down.
Come back here, you big girls! - Susan, come on! Susan, come on! - Come on! Come on! - Come on! Come on! - Come on! Ow! Ow! Ow! This is the worst holiday we have ever been on.
Well, there's one consolation.
I was right.
(Knocking) - The waiter.
- As long as it's not the chef.
He had a cheese grater.
(Knocking) What are we gonna tell him? We popped to the loo but wanted to use our own because we've got a phobia.
No, tell him it was three other people.
Our twins.
Or or tell them it was for charity.
(Knocking persists) - All right, all right, now, listen - Let's get this sorted out.
- Don't you start.
- Don't you start at me.
Por favor! No further violence.
There have been a number of complaints about your photographic high jinks.
Oh, really? All from him, I suppose? And from her, and from her.
As manager of these apartments, it is my duty to ensure harmonious relations within our little community.
- I'm sure you're both reasonable men.
- Well, yes, I am a reasonable man.
- So am I.
Tosser.
- Pillock.
Therefore, you will be open to reasonable solution.
Surrender your camera into my safekeeping until your departure.
What? My beautiful new camera? No.
No, it's mine.
- Give it to him.
- No.
Give him the camera! Look, what if I delete all the photographs? I'll delete them, yeah? I'll delete them.
Yeah, there you go.
It seems a shame, really.
Look at the way the light falls over Mrs Baxter's body.
- Ben! - OK.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete, there.
Landscapes.
Nice view of the old market square.
And That is disgusting! Nick? It's my bottom.
By all saints, Spanish and English, why have you taken a photograph of your bottom? I've never seen it before.
At least not from that angle.
Nick 15 times? I wanted to capture its ever-changing moods.
Like Monet did with the cathedral at Rouen.
- See, she gets it.
- (Knocking) - (Rod) Give me that.
- No, give me that.
You're both gonna have to wait your turn.
Susan, hey, the credit cards.
Everything's gonna be OK.
- I want to talk to you.
- Ah! It's for you, Susan.
It's for you.
Hablo español muy bien.
- I'll take that.
- No, no, me.
I am a trained mediator.
Keep calm, Rod.
Remember you're still on probation.
I never knew my bottom could cause such a stir.
Hello, is that British Airways? British Airways.
I wonder if you've got a ticket to London tonight.
Single.
Single, yeah.
Oh, you've only got first class.
Lovely.