My Family (2000) s05e05 Episode Script

Happy birthday, darling.
- It's not my birthday.
- That's what you think.
You got me the same thing last year.
Well, you wore that one out, so I got you a new one.
- Oh, hold on, hold on just one moment.
- OK, OK, I'm holding on.
I'm holding on.
Oh, yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this? It's a baby monitor, latest model.
This way we can listen to baby Kenzo whenever we like.
And whenever we don't like.
You're insane, Janey's flat's half a mile away.
I know, that's how good it is.
I can check up on the baby without disturbing Janey.
Janey doesn't know about this? - I didn't want to worry her.
- You're beginning to worry me (Janey) Hello Aren't you cute? Aren't you a big boy? (Man) Well, I'll do my best.
Mm, mm.
I can't see anything wrong with this filling.
Of course you can't, otherwise you'd have got it right in the first place.
Would you like to see another dentist? No, no, no, you fudged it, you fix it.
My pleasure.
Ooh! - Greeting has nothing on Hades.
- What? Five letters.
Hades? Hades Hell Hell o.
Hello! Yeah! Are you you two in the Masons? No, it's just crossword chit-chat.
I've won the competition in The Times.
I'm really, really delighted for you.
What have you won? - A L20 gift voucher.
- 20 Oh, it's not the prize, it's the honour.
Plus you get your name on the paper, see Roger Bailey.
How long did it take you? - Oh, a good 20 minutes.
- 20 minutes? You did The Times crossword in 20 minutes? Yes.
Well, it was a tricky one, normally I take ten.
- Ten? - Yes, how long do you take? - About that.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Perhaps you should enter the competition.
- Actually I don't have time for crosswords.
- Oh, surely you can spare ten minutes.
Or perhaps you can't do crosswords at all.
(Sniggers) I can actually, and I write my own clues.
Get out of my surgery, 4, 3.
- Ben? - Uh-huh? - Ben, I have something to tell you.
- Uh-huh? - Will you stop doing that? - Uh-huh? - Ben, there's someone else.
- What? - Someone else, who? - Me, me, me.
Sorry, Susan.
How are you? - I'm fine.
- Good.
I'm obviously interrupting something important.
No, this is more than important.
I am trying to win a gift voucher.
- How much for? - L20.
- Did something happen at work? - No, no, no.
"Can't do crosswords," he said.
- Not Roger again.
- No, no, nothing to do with Roger.
Ten minutes.
I'll show him.
Hang on, it's happened again.
How come we're talking about what you want to talk about? - You want to talk about Roger.
- No, I don't.
- I don't want to talk about anything.
- Well, you only have to listen.
Have you noticed the streets around here? They're a disgrace.
There's litter, graffiti, abandoned furniture, dog mess.
Well, it's an up-and-coming area.
Michael, did you see the dog mess on the way home? No, just got milk like you asked.
I mean, it's an outrage.
Well, instead of going on about dog mess, why don't you do something about it? I am.
I'm standing for the local council.
I was thinking more of a scoop and bucket.
S You What? You're not serious, are you? You bet your sweet bibby I'm serious.
- This is the first I've heard.
- I was saving it for your full attention.
- You never have my full attention.
- Well I have now.
- Oi! - Now, remember our local councillor? - No.
- The grey-haired man, looked like a doctor.
- No.
- With the funny eye? - No.
- Well, he's died.
No? And I never told him, I loved him.
There's a by-election coming up and I'm going to win it.
Really? So all the main parties have given up? Of course not, but I'm going to transcend petty party politics.
I'm standing as an independent.
Like What's his name? Who's the man in the white suit? - Alec Guinness.
- No.
- Barry Manilow? - No.
- Ricardo Montalban? - Thank you, Martin Bell.
I'm going to be a single-issue candidate, Street Hygiene.
Oh, Street That'll pull them in.
Whoa! Vote for Susan Harper, your dog poo candidate! Michael, your own mother is standing on dog crap! - It'll be all over the newspapers.
- It's a smear campaign! Oh, this is nice.
All of us having a laugh together at Susan.
OK, OK, laugh all you want, but I'm not going to be put off by cheap jibes.
This community deserves better! My community! I'm sticking by my deeply held beliefs, and standing on the issue I've chosen.
Speed bumps.
(Knock at door) Enter.
Mikey.
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
I need your help.
And me without my prescription pad.
Look, I need to know the name of an Old Testament prophet, sounds like a Spanish town in reverse.
- I'm not helping you with that.
- Oh, come on, it's the prize puzzle, I've only got four days left to finish it.
- Four days? Roger does it - Yes, I know, I know.
Give me the answer.
- You'll only be cheating yourself.
- I'll be cheating Roger.
If you do this puzzle by yourself, you'll end up a more complete and bigger human being, who's possibly less tight with his cash.
Not a warm person, are you? What's in there? - It's Nicola.
- Nicola? You bought a pet? A boy should have a pet, it brings out the caring side.
What'd you get? What'd you get? Let's have a look.
You got a kitten? I love cats.
- Can I pick her up? - Feel free.
Oh, look! You know, I always wanted a kitten when I was a kid, but I got lumbered with a hamster.
Called it Puss.
But cats are so much cute Oh for crying out loud, Mikey! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! - You let me pick it up - You asked to pick her up.
- You could have stopped me! - I don't like to presume.
Oh, my God! It's creepy, it's disgusting, it doesn't even look like a Nicola.
Mum said it was OK.
But she's not like normal people.
She's sweet and we love her, but there's something wrong with her brain.
Get rid of it! - If Nicola goes, I go.
- Great, a package! - Hello, darling.
- Dickensian pervert.
- You'll never guess what.
- Dickensian pervert, pervert, pervert, pervert! When historians ask you what you were doing at the dawn of a new political era, you'll be able to tell them, "I spent all evening doing a stupid puzzle.
" No, I won't.
It won't take a matter of seconds.
Yes! Oh, yes.
(Mutters incoherently) Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Yeah! Ha ha! Yes! - Thank God you finished it.
- No, solved one, look.
Fabulous.
Now, before you run out of ink, I want your signature on this nomination form.
- What? What do you need mine for? - I didn't say need, I said want.
OK, darling.
- What are you doing? - Just reading it.
Always read something before signing, you never know what's in the small print.
Oh, right, perhaps I'm trying to sell you a timeshare in a swamp in Florida.
Yeah, good point.
- Hello, dear.
- Hi.
- Have you lost something? - Don't know yet.
- Susan, what's this? - Hm? Since when has your middle name been Barrington? Since this morning.
I decided it was more statesman-like than Beryl.
Ah, if you wanted statesman-like why didn't you go for Benito? Don't be ridiculous, Ben, that's a man's name.
What's this? "Candidate's age 36.
" Looks like you got the numbers reversed.
It's just a bit of spin.
All politicians do it.
- I thought you were going to be different.
- I am.
First I need to get elected.
- All right, let's get it over with.
- That's the spirit.
Now I need one more.
Michael.
Mum, I'm only 16.
Well, you can always reverse the digits.
Abi, you'll do.
Sign this, would you? OK.
- Aren't you going to read it? - Nah.
- Ben did.
- He doesn't love you as much as I do.
Don't take this the wrong way, but belt up! - I'm trying to do a crossword.
- I'm trying to change the world.
Mm, and I know who's going to do the least damage.
There that's all done, all ready for posting.
Susan, please, please, have you thought about this? Look, we Harpers have our quirks and our crazy ideas, but for years we've managed to contain the madness inside these four walls.
You post that envelope, you'll be releasing our private horror into the outside world like a deadly plague! Oh, do you really think I'll win? Oh, Go Michael! Michael, what are you looking for? I'm looking for Nicola.
- Nicola the - The thing's escaped? I told you it's not a thing, it's a she.
- Don't worry, she won't have left the house.
- Oh, that is a relief! - Is she poisonous? - I wouldn't put it that way.
Well, what way would you put it? The actual term's venomous.
Is it venomous then? She Well, she's no more venomous than other spiders of similar size.
- Oh, we're all happy now, aren't we? - Michael, Michael, Michael, look at me.
Is Nicola going to kill us? - Um that would be very unusual.
- What do you mean? It would be very rare for death to occur.
The recorded effects of a tarantula bite are that the finger, hand or whole arm, may ache, or over swell up for a while.
Like, how long? - Couple of days.
- OK.
A week.
Two weeks.
Don't worry, it's painful, not fatal.
Often.
Is it because he's the third child? Judging from the first and second, it makes no difference.
He's had to compete for attention.
I think you are forgetting something, Susan.
I'm the normal one in this house.
(Sighs) I've been looking forward to this all day.
Me too.
(Ben chuckles) I can't believe they've accepted your nomination.
I can't believe you're doing the same crossword.
Look, A - these compilers are very clever, and B - I am doing a different crossword.
- Because you took so long doing last week's.
- I took 20 minutes Spread over 14 days.
I'll need a fighting fund, of course.
And some new clothes.
- And a blender.
- (Sighs) Why are you doing this? It's not as if you're going to make any difference.
That's exactly why you've never made a difference.
I don't want to.
It's making a difference that led to the Inquisition, the rise of Stalin, and thongs for men.
Well, I want to and I can.
Since that chap who looked like a doctor died, it's a hung council.
If I got in, I'd more or less hold the balance of power.
I could do anything.
I could take over the world.
This is just bedroom talk, isn't it? - Shouldn't you get some sleep? - Why? - Canvassing tomorrow.
- Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
We'll be a husband-and-wife team.
- Like the Kennedy's, the Clintons.
- The Krankies.
- Are you going to help? - So this is what's going to be like? Me, being dragged around on a leash, forced to grin at total strangers like a village idiot! - Is that a no? - Yes! Night, night.
There's plenty of things they're just not telling us.
did you know, there are plans to build a giant Freshfare hypermarket, at the end of this road? - Really? Did you hear that, Tim? - Yeah, sounds great.
No, it doesn't.
Cheap food, fresh.
What about the small local businesses? The corner shop's always running out of things.
Plus they rob us blind.
- Speed bumps.
- What about them? They've proved really effective in slowing down traffic.
You're telling me.
Can you get rid of them? I mean, we've got a 4x4, but even so the suspension shot to buggery.
I know, I know, you're sure to back me on this one.
- Dog mess.
- (Dog barks from inside the house) Not that I'm against dog mess, per se.
- Yes? - Nothing.
- Oh, is there an election? - No.
"Independent".
That sounds good.
Well, it isn't.
She's naive, inexperienced, not political at all.
Oh even better, I can't bear career politicians.
OK.
Well think about it by all means.
No, she's definitely got my vote.
You don't have to decide now, it's a secret ballot.
- You can always change your mind.
- No, you can depend on me.
Damn.
And if I can help out - stuffing envelopes, displaying a poster No, no that's fine, thank you.
We don't need your help, thank you.
Oh, actually there is, um there is one thing you could help me with.
Yes? Can you think of an Arab sailing ship that's a bit like a medieval string instrument? OK, thank you.
All these voters are idiots.
Do you know what one of them did? Kept telling me what to do.
Heaven forefend! A politician who does what people want.
If I just do what people want, I'll be nothing better than a demagogue.
Demagogue! Demagogue, yes, yes! I love you.
You're still doing that stupid crossword? If I am, it's because somebody decided to stand for the stupid council.
OK? I just keep being distracted.
- You only knocked on two doors.
- Actually, three but one was out.
Well, I knocked on 147 doors, and I'm exhausted.
Oh, you didn't have to clean all their kitchens, did you? Of course not.
Some of them just wanted their hedges trimmed.
Or the car washed.
Michael, what's the matter? I'm getting worried about Nicola, especially with her in that condition.
- What condition? - Michael, what do you mean? Oh, didn't I tell you she was pregnant? You didn't tell me you had a tarantula, let alone she was about to have dozens of babies.
Dad, not dozens.
Hundreds.
- Hundreds? - It's quite common with the arboreal species.
- Arboreal? - Means she lives in trees.
Yes, I know what it means, I had to look it up for 22 across.
It also means she can climb.
Oh, my God.
- What is it? - Don't move, don't move.
It's in the bed.
- What are we going to do? - Don't move.
- It's all right, I'll deal with it.
- Oh, Ben Don't let me die.
I have a destiny to fulfil.
- (Ben) Oh, my God! - What? I can see it.
- Where? - Don't move! It's on you.
Ben.
Well, It was dark Easy mistake to make.
First, a special thanks to Roger for volunteering his time and support.
I just popped in to have a cup of coffee.
You weren't thinking of leaving, were you? Once you're in, you're in.
It's like the Mafia.
It's very high-powered, isn't it? So, this meeting's about getting voters to take me more seriously.
Er, Susan? I know, Abi, it's just Ben's idea of a joke.
Voter response is sluggish.
We need fresh ideas and a new strategy.
- Michael? - We haven't discussed my consultancy fee yet.
How about this.
You help me in my campaign, and I won't tell everyone that you still sleep with a teddy called Mr Chewy.
You just did, Mum.
That's just for openers.
First, I'm not happy with your slogans.
"Susan Harper, you could do worse.
" - It's brilliant.
- At least I know where it comes from now.
We need something clever, something snappy.
- Yes.
- Something like "Susan Harper - anyone with Harper brain would vote for Susan Harper this Thursday.
" - Abi? - What? - Slogans.
- OK.
"Should have gone to Specsavers.
" - Abi - "Ashamed of your mobile?" All very good, but they've already been taken.
Oh, right.
What's it for? Oh, what's this? It's my kitchen cabinet.
Kitchen cabinet, just like ours - the hinges are coming off.
They're unhinged.
Mock away, but the nay sayers, and the Jeremiahs shall never hamper our progress, towards the sunlit uplands of economic recovery.
- We are the winning team.
- Woo, thank you, Evita! What searing political insight is she going to bring to the winning team? - Abi? Well, she's the voice of Mrs Normal.
- Mrs Normal? She's one step away from the funny farm.
That's it! There's your slogan, Susan.
Normal as the next guy.
Which brings me neatly to him.
What's he doing here? Well, I had some time to spare, although the crossword was a bit tricky today.
- How are you doing with - Oh, shut up! Don't tell him to shut up, he's giving me the support I should be getting from you.
- You shut up! - You shut up! - No, you shut up! - No, you shut up! Great! My first political debate! "Medieval stringer runs off after cross to make Arab tub.
" Oh, I know it's some kind of North African boat.
Five letters, blank E, blank E, blank.
Level.
Peter.
Seven, no.
Melee.
- (Phone) - Oh, bums! - What? - Why haven't you come out to help me? Three reasons - it's ten past five, I've got one clue left, and I'm trying to catch the seven o'clock collection.
You had one clue left three hours ago.
It's a very long word.
Oh, come on out! Get some fresh air, smell the excitement.
I'm quite happy smelling the inside of my own house, thank you very much.
I see.
You and your girlfriend? - My girlfriend? - You know, Nicola.
Her waters could be breaking any minute.
I have one clue left and have to catch the seven o'clock collection.
Nicola? Nicola? Nicola? Heeey Got ya! Duh! Duh! (Rants) Oh, yes! Yes! Dad? Hi, Mikey.
- What are you doing? - Nothing, nothing.
Mikey Life is short and death comes to us all, and when it comes, it comes.
- Are you all right? - I am fine.
It's just that she Would you like to sit down? - No.
- Fine.
It's just that Nicola What about her? - She's gone to a better place.
- She's gone to the pet shop.
The big pet shop in the sky, where the great big pet shop owner looks after all the little animals.
- Dad, Dad, it's all right.
- Yeah, good.
Taking this well, kid.
It's OK, it's OK.
You can cry, just let it out.
Believe me, I felt like that ten minutes ago.
I took Nicola back to the pet shop.
Yes.
When? Last Tuesday when you asked me to.
So, what's that? Looks like a black woolly glove.
Michael, why did you tell us it had escaped? Cos it was hilarious, Dad.
Your faces.
You know when I said life is short? You'll miss the post.
I don't care, I couldn't get the last clue anyway.
- Take your punishment like man.
- Oh, xebec! - What? - Xebec, it's the clue you couldn't get.
- (Whispers) Xebec? - It's a three-masted Arab sailing ship.
X-E-B-E-C.
Oh, yes! X-E-B-E-C.
Ha ha! Woo, woo! So simple.
Oh, Ben, I'm so excited.
This is it.
Ahem.
The number of votes cast in the election was as follows.
- George Edward Glover - Prat.
- 931 votes.
- (Applause) - Susan Barrington Harper - Cautiously optimistic.
Two votes.
What? Two! I demand a recount.
One, two.
Mr George Glover.
Thank you, Mr Returning Officer.
It is customary to express one's gratitude to the people who have aided my campaign.
- My political agent - Sod it! - I voted for you.
- Of course you did, dear.
Anyway, congratulations! It's a a moral victory.
How? Isn't that what kind people say to losers? - Hold on, if you voted for Mum - Yes.
- You voted for yourself - Yes.
And you voted for Mum Then it doesn't add up, does it? I mean three voters, only two votes.
One of you must be lying.
That's academic.
It's over now, isn't it? And that's just a theory.
Anyway, maybe half the votes went missing like in Florida.
Aren't you in enough trouble, as it is? Not as much as you are, Dad.
I'm sorry, Susan, I had a lot on my mind.
With - Maybe next time.
- There won't be a next time, I had my moment and I blew it! What are the chances of getting rid of him? And so in conclusion, Mr Returning Officer, now is the time to reveal my master plan.
A three-pronged plan, to combat the alien spacecraft, which even now approach our planet.
First, we need to stockpile cheese, second biscuits - On the other hand.
cheesy biscuits.
What about this one? "Susan Harper, soft, strong, and very long.
" Abi, it's over, I lost.
Mm, I still think my slogan's better.
- Here, here.
Here you go.
- Have you won? Hang on, hang on.
Oh Harper! Harper! Yes, yes, I've won! Harper, Abi Harper! Ab Abi? - Fantastic! - Abi, you won The Times crossword.
- Did I? - Did she? No, I did, again.
You entered under Abi's name.
- I thought it'd be a nice gesture.
- What did I win? L20 gift voucher! Oh, is that all? Hardly worth the time and effort.
- It should have been me.
- Don't worry, Ben, it's a moral victory.
Where's my baseball bat? Oh, well, can't stop.
Off to vote for Susan, before the polls close.
It's OK, I'll get it.
(Springs creaking rhythmically) (Creaking)