My Family (2000) s09e04 Episode Script

Dentistry, la-da-da! Dentist Oh! Hi! What's going on? - Mum called a family meeting.
- Really? I'll get out your hair.
Whoa.
Not so fast.
You're a member of this family too.
Only in the same way that a hyena is a dog.
OK, so, a family meeting, huh? What's on the agenda this evening? I'm afraid I have sad news, there's been a death in the family.
What? Your mother is doing well I hope.
Is she? - Uncle Norris died this morning.
- I'm sorry.
Were you very close? - He was your uncle.
- He was? He was! No, he was, he was mine.
He was my uncle.
Yeah, nasty Uncle Norris, yeah, the meanest man alive.
Well, now he's dead that title is yours, Dad.
Yeah, never liked me, ever since I Yeah, never mind.
Every time I saw him he called me a cold-hearted, mean-spirited monster.
Still he was a wonderful judge of character.
Which one was Uncle Norris again? Was he the one who wore a dress to my 10th birthday? No, no, that was your Uncle Steven.
(Clears throat) Your mother's side.
- He asked me out on a date? - No, that was your Uncle Gary.
(Clears throat) Your mother's side.
Who was in the paper for sending his underwear to Prince Harry? Oh, that was your Uncle James.
(Clears throat) Your father's side.
It's so easy to point the finger, Susan, isn't it? James was a keen royalist.
Just forgotten to take his medication.
The funeral is this Friday, they're expecting a big crowd.
Well, give the people what they want, that's what I say.
(Phone ringing) Dad, are there actually any relatives you get on with? (Susan) Hello? - Do you include yourselves? - Yes.
Not really, no.
The lottery rollover is up to 12 million.
I'm getting some tickets, anybody want in? - Yeah.
- Sure.
- Mr Harper? - I've got my own, thank you, Alfie.
I ain't sharing this with anyone, especially you freeloading ingrates.
I have no idea what problem Uncle Norris had with you! The problem with Uncle Norris, he was a cold, penny-pinching miser who wouldn't let go of a grudge.
Thank you again.
That was Aunt Eleanor.
Your father needs to be at the reading of the will.
Apparently, there's a significant amount of money involved.
I'm really going to miss that man.
Guys, can you move? Comfy sweatshirt guy's coming over.
So you've just given up trying to remember their names? Come on, shift.
I don't want you here when I dump him.
But how will you cope without his comfy sweatshirt in your life? Oh, he's not getting that back.
So you're stealing his very identity? Look, everybody gets something out of a relationship.
A new perspective on life.
Maybe some new friends.
Me? I'm getting a sweatshirt.
(Doorbell) Hey! You.
I got your message.
Maybe you want to keep that on.
- Oh, are we going somewhere? - Kind of.
Is that my stuff? You're dumping me, aren't you? Wow, that was easy.
I've been working on my speech for a whole hour.
Look, please, try and understand.
Russell! It's not me, it's you.
Don't you mean that the other way round? No.
No, look.
OK, you're a lovely guy and everything but it's over.
And that took you an hour? Can I at least ask why? Mm, I hadn't really scheduled a Q and A, so Sorry! Hang on, hang on, these aren't mine.
Oh, yeah! "Purple underwear guy"! What do you think? You look like a movie star.
Really? That's what I thought, Brad Pitt, George Clooney.
Shrek.
- Where did you get that? - This old thing? Picked it up at a place called Savile Row.
You like? Savile Row? They take weeks to make a suit like that.
Not when you pay them enough, baby.
They were buzzing around me like flies.
I felt like Cinderella.
I swear I saw a bluebird with a needle and thread.
- How much did it cost, Cinderella? - Can't put a price tag on elegance.
Yet, here it is.
How could you pay this much? Where there's a dead uncle's will, there's a way.
He's dead less than a day and you're already spending his inheritance.
It's like you're walking over his grave.
You do not walk in a suit like this, you sashay.
See that? See this.
Look at this, feel that! That is real silk and it's got a secret pocket.
- Where is it? - I don't know, it's secret.
- His body is not even cold.
- All right.
I'm sorry my uncle is dead but we're alive and life's for the living.
- Oh, come on! Let's enjoy it.
- We could use the extra money.
Could pay off some bills and I could get that Masters degree.
We should look on this as a blessing.
Sorry, who is this "we" you keep going on about? You and me "we".
The money is for me and me "me".
My uncle was a Harper.
Last time I looked I was a Harper too.
As far as the name's concerned, you're renting.
Renting?! - You don't have Harper blood.
- I'll have it on my knuckles.
All right, calm down.
This is a sad day in the Harper family history.
One of ours has been taken far too soon.
I think we should act with the proper respect and dignity and forget all our petty, earthbound squabbles.
It goes against the wishes of dear, dear Uncle Morris.
- Norris.
- Him too.
Good to see you, Ben, even if the circumstances are sad ones.
It's very sad.
Very, very, very sad.
Crushing blow.
Do they do the cheque here or do they pay it into the bank later? We're sorry for your loss.
Thank you for letting us hold the will reading here.
It just worked out well for everyone.
Geographically.
It's our pleasure, Peter.
It's our pleasure, Peter, my home is your home.
Oi, get out, get out there.
Uncle Norris had a fondness for you, Susan.
The letter you sent him when Mildred passed on meant the world to him.
Oh, it was nothing.
- Yes.
Er, who's Mildred? - Your aunt.
She's my Sorry, fog of grief.
- Will you never take that suit off? - No, I'm going to be buried in it.
- I'll get you a shovel.
- Michael! - I don't believe you did - I'm sorry.
This is a Savile Row suit! Calm down, Cinderella, we'll get that dry-cleaned.
Actually, I quite enjoy funerals.
There's lots of free food, everyone's on their best behaviour and you're always guaranteed one single woman in need of comfort.
Alfie, would you pour out some drinks, please? - Who is that guy, Ben? - Er, he's a distant relative.
- How distant? - Narnia.
That's a very kind offer, but we're a little too closely related I think.
It's your mother's side.
- Good coffee this.
- Really? Thank you.
- Much better than the swill at the law firm.
- Law firm.
- Ah, you're the solicitor? - Yes.
Ah, brilliant.
Tell me, when Uncle Norris, bless him, when he made the original will, did he include inflation? Thank you.
Cos he'd be like that cheapskate to leave a tidy sum by 1950s standards.
Most generous thing he did was die.
You might have me confused with the solicitor reading the will.
- I'm Adam.
- Adam? Norris's son.
Sorry, fog of grief.
"This is my last will and testament.
"I, Norris Philmore Harper, being of sound mind" (Giggles) "do hereby provide for the following dispersal of my assets.
" - I feel all tingly.
- Maybe it's a heart attack.
"Half of my estate shall be entrusted to charity.
" Damn! Damn, that is so generous.
Isn't that generous? Why can't everyone be as charitable? "Of the remaining half, "four fifths to be divided amongst my beloved son, Adam, "my nephew, Edward, and my nieces, Sarah and Olivia.
"You know how much I love you all.
"Which brings me to my nephew Benjamin.
" Come on, big money.
"I carry the scars of October 31st, 1971 "to my grave.
"As did my beloved tortoise, Malcolm.
"To illustrate how much you mean to me, "I therefore bequeath to you a box of my old, used clothes.
"Wear them well, you miserable git.
" What? He actually wrote, "you miserable git"? You don't want to know what he actually wrote.
Ah! Woollen swimming trunks, cool! Never mind, darling, money isn't everything.
"Finally, to my dear niece, Susan.
"I will never forget your kindness when Mildred died.
"For your love and generosity "and for having to put up with that despicable husband of yours "I bequeath to you the sum of L10,000.
" He's really going to miss him.
(Doorbell) - Hello, Janey.
- Hello.
I'm glad you stopped by.
The thing is, I don't think it's working out between us.
You already broke up with me the other day.
Oh! Oh good! Oh, cheers, then.
(Doorbell) Just give it a few minutes, time heals all wounds.
Actually, the reason I came by, do you still have my uni sweatshirt? Come again.
My Winchester University sweatshirt.
Doesn't ring a bell.
We were sitting under the moonlight, I draped the sweatshirt over your shoulders.
We saw a shooting star and I told you to make a wish, remember? Mmmm no.
Are you sure? It was a graduation present from my grandfather.
It just means the world to me.
Ah! Then you really should have been more careful with it.
It's OK.
He's gone.
It's just you and me now.
Janey, you've got to give it back.
You guys just don't get it, do you? I can't part with this.
It's so comfy.
It's like a sleeping pill in jimjam form.
And it's mine! You got that? All mine! Mine! She's quite a catch, isn't she? (Doorbell) I'll get it.
- Hello.
- Hello, Adam.
Mrs Harper said you'll be coming.
It's for Norris's burial suit.
Yes, I'm afraid it got mixed up with a box of clothes Ben inherited.
(Both snigger) Anyway, Mrs Harper said she had it dry-cleaned for you.
- This must be it.
Here you go.
- Cheers.
I'd better run, need to get this to the undertakers.
I'm glad to get that job done, I was afraid I'd screw it up.
- You going to this funeral or not? - Not.
I have to ask you something, Ben.
I've known people hate you in this life but never into the afterlife.
What exactly did you do to his tortoise? No.
It's in the past, Susan.
Go on.
I was supposed to look after his tortoise Malcolm while he and that woman he hung around with went on holiday.
- His wife, Mildred.
- Yeah, whatever.
And, come on, we were kids, you know, and the tortoise looked bored.
The idea was that we wanted to have a tortoise stunt show.
The tortoise was supposed to speed up a ramp and jump through a flaming hoop.
Suffice it to say, it didn't quite go as planned.
I know I'm going to regret this but my morbid curiosity wants to know what went wrong.
I wasn't to know a hundred-year-old tortoise would be so dry.
He just went up, like leaves, dead leaves.
Really slow, dead leaves.
All the more reason for you to pay your respects to Uncle Norris.
- I'm too depressed for a funeral.
- It's kind of the point.
It's not.
When I die, I want everyone to be happy.
Trust me, they will.
Look, I know you feel cheated, but he was family and you have an obligation to attend.
- Easy for you to say, you're rich.
- I am not rich.
I have come into some money, but unlike some people I share a bed with, I'm not going to let it go to my head.
- Now, come on, please, get ready.
- Yeah, all right.
Attaboy! Mwah.
- What are those? - What are what? Those, on your ears.
Oh, these.
Just something I happened to pick up.
Diamonds.
You like? You said you wouldn't let money go to your head.
These are my ears.
My uncle's been dead a week and you're already spending his money? Like you said, "We're alive and life is for the living.
" - Ooh, greed does not become you.
- No, but diamonds do.
I thought you'd want to know the lottery numbers, Mrs Harper.
Oh, yes.
They were 7, 12, 18, 19, 25 and 47.
- So, did we win? - Close, we're only five numbers off.
Oh my God.
Oh my God! These are my numbers.
I've got 12 million quid, yes! Where's my ticket? It's in my suit, where's my suit? - I had it dry-cleaned.
- You did what?! - Here it is.
- Oh my God.
Don't worry.
It's in the secret pocket.
Secret pocket.
Where's my? This is not my suit, that's not my suit.
Mine was dark and expensive, that's grey and repulsive.
This is Uncle Norris's burial suit.
Adam was supposed to pick this up.
Never mind that, what happened to my new suit?! Uh-oh.
I'm so sorry, Mr Harper.
It's all right, Alfie, don't worry.
I'll kill you later.
Now let's get that ticket.
Are you sure you played these numbers? Sure! I always play those numbers.
Seven, 12, 18, 19, 25, come on, kids' birthdays! Those aren't our birthdays.
Well, it's some kids' birthdays.
I always play those numbers.
Come on.
Let's get that ticket! Ben, wait, wait, wait.
Call the undertakers' office and have them find the ticket.
And have them run off with my 12 million quid? I don't think so.
It's too late, they'll have dressed Norris in the suit already.
You're not suggesting rifling through the pockets of a dead man? Shut up.
Come on, let's go.
May I help you? Oh, yes, it's Mrs Harper.
I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mix-up.
All right, darling, I'll deal with this.
Hello, my name's Harper.
Looking for my uncle, Norris Harper.
Harper.
Oh, yes, the gentleman with the very nice suit.
I know it's a very nice suit and I'd like to see it.
- Er, him, I'd like to see him.
- You're a bit late.
- You've not buried it, have you? - No.
He's been moved out of the chapel into our holding area.
We'll put him in the hearse shortly.
Oh, I see.
Well, thank you, we'll be going.
It's all right, after we've paid our final respects.
I'd like to say a long, last and very private farewell.
- He needs five minutes.
- Ten.
- Ten? - Just in case.
I've got a lot of grief.
If you must, but be quick.
We can manage, you don't want to see a grown man cry.
- Come on, come on.
- I'm not going in there.
- What? - I want no part of this.
I'm not seeing Uncle Norris stripped of his dignity.
Stuff his dignity, I'm just gonna go through his trousers.
You stay here.
Go on, keep him busy.
- Boo-hoo-hoo! - Don't you do that! Stop it! Which one is it, Mr Harper? They're not marked.
If I know that cheapskate Norris, it will be this one.
Yeah, he would take the cheapest option.
No, no, no.
He would've spent the money on himself.
It'll be the Ah, the expensive one.
The mahogany one.
Dad, this isn't Deal Or No Deal.
Just pick a box.
I picked a box.
This is the box.
Let's have a look.
- Ooh! - Geez, Alfie! Stop that! A very nice suit.
I've never been this close to death before.
You have no idea how many times you've been close to death.
- I think I found Uncle Norris.
- You've never met him.
I have a spiritual connection with the deceased.
Plus, he's wearing your suit.
OK, now, where was that secret pocket? Erm, secret pocket was, erm Secret, hang on It's so much easier to remember when you're wearing it.
- His right, my left - (Whistling) Oh God! (Ben wailing) Oh, dear Uncle Norris.
We'll miss Erm, I can't remember where the secret pocket was.
- You only have a couple of minutes.
- OK.
OK.
Right.
Sod it.
Let's just take his suit, come on! Oh, good Lord, no! Yes! Just hold the coffin steady.
Go on, hold it! While I strip my dead uncle's corpse.
You know, some fathers take their kids fishing.
You seem to be taking this very well.
I expect your husband is more emotionally demonstrative than you.
Hah! Yes, I suppose he is.
I'd better see how he's getting on.
Wait, before you do that, I've always been intrigued by your line of work.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
I think it's fascinating what you people do.
I've often wondered what's involved in preparing someone for their final rest.
Well, you've come to the right person.
I always say I'm barmy about embalming.
(Fake laugh) You must have them in stitches at undertaker parties.
Surprisingly no.
This embalming you mentioned, what happens there exactly? Well, it's a five-stage process.
Once the body's been cleaned and shaved, we do what's known as feature setting.
We tie the jaw with an injector gun then thread sutures below the gums and upper jaw into the right nostril.
Tell me more.
You again.
Look, I don't have your stupid sweatshirt.
Just hear me out.
I don't know how things got off the rails but I've never met anyone like you.
I never really got "being in love".
Love songs and sonnets, I couldn't understand them.
But then I met you.
Now I realise why artists paint and poets write.
You, Janey Harper, are my reason to be.
My whole family are at a funeral if you want to come upstairs.
That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.
(Door slamming) Go on, then.
Take it! See if I care! Call me? I've got the end of the jacket.
Alfie, just hold the shoulders down.
That's it, hold it.
Here we go.
I'm going to pull up.
I've almost got it, come on! Alfie, pull him back, pull him back! We then extract the fluids from the internal organs and we gauze all orifices to prevent seepage.
Would you like to see the pump? Tell you what, tell you what, I've got some fun photographs of procedures that went wrong.
Let me get them.
I need some fresh air.
- The door is that way.
- This is fresh enough.
Susan! Weren't you supposed to be keeping guard? Michael! I can't stand out there any more, it's morbid and disgusting.
Well, we're not exactly picking daisies in here.
- What are you doing? - Mr Harper can't find the secret pocket.
Can't find the secret pocket.
That irony is just lost on you.
- The undertaker's coming.
- You two, keep him busy.
Go on! Alfie, come on! Well, I was hoping for a moment with Norris myself.
You're not even his relative, you twazzock! I know, but after wearing his swimming trunks, I feel a little bit of him has rubbed off on me.
Alfie, go! Ben, what's taking you so long? You've clearly never had to undress a lifeless lump before.
Never mind.
Ah, so it's a bit like draining a radiator, really.
Yes, yes, I'll get some more photographs.
- Hello, Michael.
- Adam.
Funny seeing you here.
Er, well, not funny, since it's a funeral home and your dad's So, what's up? I wanted to place this and have a final private moment with my father.
Er, but - but my dad's having his final private moment.
That's all right, we're family.
Adam, erm, I want to share a few words that might help you through this difficult time.
- Maybe later, Alfie.
- No.
No, I really want to help.
You know, some say that death is but a gateway to the blessed light of the Lord.
Thanks for that.
While others say it's an endless void, filled only with the crushing boredom of eternity.
And we haven't even started on hell yet.
They've done a nice job on the eye caps.
You have to put Stay Cream on to avoid dehydration of the eyelids.
What? Nothing.
Ah! Come on, zip! God, it's so difficult! - This is all your fault, you know.
- This should be good.
If you'd have encouraged me to be nicer to Uncle Norris when he was still with us, he would've left me the money and this wouldn't be necessary.
What do you think I've been doing the last 30 years? I put it down as my occupation on my tax return.
- Aah! Shh.
Got it.
Got it.
- Oh, no, no, no, Ben.
- Wait, wait.
- What now? You should say something before you desecrate the body.
- Chocks away? - No.
Ben, even if you weren't close, a member of your own family has died, and you haven't shown the slightest compassion.
I'd like to think the man I married has more decency than that.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Uncle Norris, I'm sorry we weren't closer when you were still with us, but now wherever you are, I hope you're at peace.
You deserve it.
Amen.
That was perfect.
Now hold him down while I yank his strides off! Some husbands take their wives out for dinner.
And who knows, Norris may not be burning in eternal hellfire and damnation.
I've heard mixed things.
Is there anything that will get you to stop talking? Erm, maybe I can interest you in a human beatbox.
Michael, will you lay me down a baseline? (Lively beatboxing) Oh, for crying out loud! Better make it a sombre one, Michael.
Right, that's it! (Susan) Just pull harder.
(Ben) I'm pulling, you're pulling.
- Harder, Ben, harder! - They're stuck on the shoes.
- Harder! - They're stuck on the shoes! (Both) Fog of grief.
I'm so sorry they buried your suit with Uncle Norris.
Yep.
Yeah, I'm sorry you had to use your inheritance to pay for the funeral.
It seemed appropriate under the circumstances.
Oh, hey! Sorry I didn't make the funeral, how did it go? - Fine.
- It was fine, pretty standard stuff.
How was your evening? Oh, great! I got back together with comfy sweatshirt.
Don't you mean comfy sweatshirt guy? Oh, yeah, yeah, him too.
Well, we're off to bed.
Come on, honey.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
Yeah, go on, I'll be up in a minute.
I'll just finish this and I'll be up later, OK? - Fine.
- Sweet dreams.
Sweet dreams.
Michael! Let's dig up the ticket!