My Family (2000) s11e04 Episode Script

So, where are you off to tonight, Janey? That looks like your ''seal the deal'' third date outfit.
Mike, I find that really offensive.
It doesn't take me three dates to seal the deal.
If you must know, I'm going to our cousin Kirsty's hen night.
I've never understood hen nights.
Mike, it's an ancient ritual where women get together to binge drink, grope men, and generally act like idiots.
Isn't that your normal weekend? No, I'm wearing devil horns.
Oh, now, Kenzo.
I'll be back late tonight, okay? So, I want you to be a good boy for Granddad.
I've made him promise to look after you properly this time.
I didn't mind going to the bookies for him.
He really shouldn't have made you do that.
But he said the nag was bound to romp home.
He used to use that line on me, too.
So, anyway, I have rented your favourite cartoon for you.
And Granddad says he'll watch it with you.
-Thanks, Mummy.
-Okay.
Mike, could you come back later? You know, just to keep an eye on him? Janey, Kenzo's eight, he doesn't need two of us to watch him.
It's not me she wants you to watch.
Evening, all.
Is there a spring in my step? Yes.
Oh, do I have a date tonight? Yes.
Living the life of an international playboy? Yes! Is that toilet paper stuck to your shoe? Yes.
So, you can't watch cartoons with me tonight? Sorry, little man.
This evening, I'll be having a more adult version of fun.
I'm afraid being a Lothario leaves little time for watching things like cartoons.
It's a new one.
Can I borrow it from you later? So, where'd you meet this girl? Oh, where does one meet the love of one's life? A stolen glance, a chance encounter.
An impromptu sharing of an umbrella.
-The internet? -Yes.
You ready, Mum? Taxi should be here any minute.
What do you think? Too over the top? Mum, it's a hen night.
The whole night's going to be over the top.
In fact, maybe we should set up a few ground rules.
You're going out with Sasha and me, so things can get a little crazy.
Oh, don't worry, darling.
I won't spoil your fun.
I'lljust stay for a few drinks and then I'll shuffle off to the old people's home.
That would be great.
Oh, and promise me one thing, darling.
Don't embarrass me too much.
I'm sorry, I can't do that, Mum.
Don't tell me you've hired some cheap, tacky stripper.
-(TAXI HONKING) -Taxi's here! You know, actually, I'm rather looking forward to tonight.
-It'll make up for my own hen night.
-Why? What did you do on yours? Ugh, mine was a total anti-climax.
I ended up in some cheap bedsit with a headache and a Cup-a-Soup.
And I was the only one still conscious after eight o'clock.
Oh, no, hang on.
That was my wedding night.
(JANEY LAUGHING) (WILDLIFE PROGRAMME ON TELEVISION) This is the life, eh? Just me and you, eh, Kenzo, just the lads.
Mano to mano bonding.
Spending the evening together like a couple of good mates.
Pop your own.
Um, what do you think you're doing now? Putting my cartoon on.
I don't think so.
Tonight, we're watching the film of my choice.
But you promised Mum that we would watch my cartoon! My promises mean nothing! Your mother knows that.
I want to watch my cartoon! It's about time you developed a more mature sense in cinema.
Tonight, I shall be watching a piece of serious, high-octane cinema.
Not a silly cartoon about a stupid talking rat.
My cartoon won an Oscar.
Your film's an over-produced remake aimed at 1 2 year olds with short attention spans.
What? What were you saying? Where's Sasha? She's not usually late.
She probably went out and started without me, the party animal.
Looks like she started without you, all right.
What? (BOTH SCREAMING EXCITEDLY) Oh! Look at you! What happened? Oh, I know.
These shoes don't go with this top.
Sasha, this is kind of a surprise.
You're telling me.
What do you think about tequila? -You're sure you should be drinking? -No, I mean as the baby name! Oh, that's nice.
It already has memories for you.
-Now, where's the bride-to-be? -Oh, she's here.
BOTH: Oh! (HUMMING THE WEDDING MRCH) Whoa! Kirsty, welcome to the wildest night of your life! (BOTH SCREAMING) How does it feel? He dumped me! Well, this is going well.
(CRYING) (CLEARING THROAT) -Can I help you, sir? -Oh! Uh, I'm just looking for my date.
Ah! That must be her.
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) (SIGHING) Excuse me.
Are you looking for a Roger? I'm sorry, I I thought she was looking for a Roger.
(CLEARS THROAT) Is anyone here looking for a Roger? Let me show you to a table.
-Blind date? -Yes.
Met her on the internet.
Although I haven't had much luck meeting women like that.
There was one with the screen name ''Claire76.
'' I thought the 76 was the year she was born.
-It turns out, it was her age.
-Oh! She'd had that screen name for a long time.
And the next woman was lovely, but, uh Having her probation officer there really spoiled the mood.
(LAUGHING) Well, third time lucky.
No.
No, it wasn't.
I ended up meeting a 50-year-old pig farmer -pretending to be a woman.
-Oh! -I'm sorry.
-Oh, no, no, no.
Don't be.
He sent me a nice ham last Easter.
This film is rubbish.
Excuse me? How can a film about a man from the future having a mutant virus inJected into his bloodstream be rubbish? It's not realistic.
-It's just stupid.
-Ssh, please.
You're ruining the ambience.
(DOORBELL RINGING) -Who could that be? -I ordered you a pizza, Granddad.
You did what? Why would you do that? Well, I know how you like to eat pizza and watch action films, so Oh, Kenzo.
You are That's so generous.
Here.
Here.
Oh, I feel really bad about not letting you see your cartoon now.
-So, I can watch it? -Not that bad.
-(DOORBELL RINGING) -Yeah, all right, hang on.
Oh, see Oh, no.
Oh Yeah.
Hello? Hello? -It's not funny, Kenzo.
-Yes, it is.
Kenzo, who rang the doorbell? I paid my friend down the road to ring it and then run off.
Well, I'm missing my film.
That's kind of the point.
Kenzo, look.
I'm going to count to Kenzo? I'm going to count to three, and you will answer this door.
Okay? One, two, three.
I think it works better if there's a threat at the end of it.
Kenzo, you open this door! Do you hear me? Kenzo! You will open this door.
Do you hear me? -Kenzo! -Shush, you're ruining the ambience.
Look, Kirsty, tonight doesn't have to be a celebration of the last night of your freedom.
It could be a celebration of your Freedom! -Yeah, who needs men, anyway? -Clearly not you.
Now, listen, Kirsty, okay? There are plenty more fish in the sea.
Neil loved fish.
Oh, come on, Kirsty.
Let a smile be your umbrella.
Neil loved umbrellas! Why don't you tell us what Neil didn't love and we can come up with better analogies.
Well, he clearly didn't love me.
Nice one, Mum.
All I'm saying is that this is as bad as it's gonna get.
Aunt Susan, I've got 200 people turning up to the Rose and Crown tomorrow.
Okay, well, then tomorrow's as bad as it's gonna get.
And a honeymoon booked to Mauritius with no one to go with.
See! You're making tonight look better and better.
(CRYING) (LAUGHING) Who forgot to lock the back door, you silly boy.
Hey! Ha ha! Who forgot to lock the back door, you amateur.
Kenzo? Oh, God.
Oi! Kenzo! Kenzo! Amateur.
So, what do you think happened? -Sounds like he got cold feet.
-(GROANING) I think someone should call Neil and sort this out.
Trust me, it's better if we stay out of this.
Kirsty's a strong girl.
All she needs is a shoulder to cry on.
Or a backside.
Fine.
I'll call him.
Hmm.
What goes with crisps, cheese, and jelly tots? Ice cream.
Oh, that looks disgusting.
Who asked you? Can you save me a little bit of ice cream, please? Sorry, I'm a growing boy.
Look, Kenzo, is there any chance of letting me in to see my film? Apparently, there's an amazing twist in the middle that comes as a complete surprise.
I really don't want to miss it.
Oh, when they found out that the main guy was an alien all along? Thank you.
(CLEARING THROAT) -Can I get you another drink, sir? -Oh, no.
Roger.
Yes, I got that earlier from the whole ''Is anyone looking for a Roger'' thing.
-Or at least I hoped.
-(LAUGHING) Well, it's nice to meet you.
Uh, um -Ellie.
-Ellie! -So what do you do for a living, Roger? -Oh, I'm a dentist.
-You? -I'm a waitress.
Oh, sorry.
Yes, yes, yes, of course.
-I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous this -Don't be.
-You'll be okay.
-(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) You're funny.
I've enJoyed talking to you.
Well, I don't like to brag, but, uh I have become quite proficient in the art of conversation.
I spend hours practising.
Which is hard when you live alone.
What have you got there? I ordered pizza.
How did you pay for that? You haven't got any money.
I know.
But you do.
You gave him a good tip, too.
Thank you.
Mojito? Oh, Sash, it's not really the best baby name.
No.
(LAUGHING) I was going to buy you a drink.
Oh, Sash.
So, listen, about your mum.
Oh, I know, I know.
I knew a hen night wouldn't be her thing but she insisted on coming.
No, actually I think she's pretty cool, the way she's mucked in and helped Kirsty out.
I wish my mum was like that.
She can be so embarrassing.
So her 50-minute lecture on how to use a breast pump wasn't embarrassing? No way! So Listen, when we go to Aiya Napa next month, -I was thinking -Please, no.
-Why don't we ask your mum along? -Oh.
Sasha, look.
I love and respect my mum, but if you invite her, there's no way on this Earth that I'll be there too.
-Oh, I see.
-(SIGHING) So, can I get her number? Dad? What are you doing outside? I'm wishing upon a star, Mikey.
What the hell do you think I'm doing? Kenzo's locked me out.
Little scamp.
Give me your key.
-Haven't got it.
-Oh, great.
So every time I want to be at home and have a little privacy, you just let yourself in.
The one time The one time I want your key and you haven't got it.
-It's called irony, Dad.
-Just ring the naffing bell.
Before you do, when the kid answers the door, step inside quickly so I can rush in, take the kid by surprise.
You really do lead a sad and peculiar life, don't you? Just do it! (RINGING DOORBELL) -Who's there? -It's Uncle Michael.
So, can I get you a drink? Yeah, that would be great.
Cheers.
-What are you watching? -Cartoons.
Cool.
SUSAN: Thanks for coming, Neil.
I know you're going through a lot right now, but I just wondered if this is something we can talk through.
Because I find that so much can be solved through communication, a dialogue, an exchange of thoughts and opinions, don't you agree? Suppose.
Is it possible that you were just overwhelmed by this whole thing and got cold feet? Don't know.
Well, let's just go with that as a concept.
I mean, the mere fact that you don't know might mean you're just not sure.
-Is that right? -Don't know.
What do you know, exactly? I'm wondering how you managed to string enough words together -to finish with her.
-Oh, that was easy.
I texted her.
Well, aren't you the last of the great romantics? See, the thing is, I I don't know if I want to be married right now.
I just wonder if I can do any better.
Let me answer that for you.
You can't.
I mean, look at me.
I'm a good-looking guy, right? I get a lot of attention.
I'm not sure I'm ready to take myself off the market just yet.
-You're serious? -Yeah! I'm what the ladies refer to as a catch.
The thing about Neil is he always seals the deal.
I'm sorry.
I'm just fighting the urge to physically strike you.
What's in this sandwich again? Cheese, crisps, Jelly Tots and ice cream.
And just a dash of pepper.
Too much pepper? No.
Just the right amount.
You know, on no level should this sandwich work But it does, doesn't it? Totally.
So what's up with you and my dad tonight? Well, he wanted to watch his film and I wanted to watch mine.
So I locked him out.
Fair enough.
Do you know when you're going to let him in again? How much longer is left of this cartoon? Another hour.
Three hours then.
You know, it's funny.
Watching the mind games you play with my dad, and the physical ordeals you put him through, it takes me back to when I was your age.
-So sweet.
-Don't get soppy now.
No, no.
I'm just saying It's nice to see similarities with other family members.
Gives you something to bond over.
Michael.
If you don't let me in, I am going to inflict so much pain on you, you will see death as a sweet release.
A sweet release, you hear me? It is nice, isn't it? So you were married once? Oh, yes.
She was a wonderful woman.
But relationships are such finely-balanced nuanced things, and we were moving in slightly different directions.
What happened? She became a nun.
What about you? Well, I'm just looking for someone who likes the same things I do.
Board games, long walks, going to the zoo.
But I love those things.
-Really? -Yes.
Ellie, look, I know that this sounds silly, but maybe things were meant to work out like this.
-My date not showing up.
-I think you might be right.
Do you think You and I I'm looking for a Roger.
I'm looking for a Roger.
Oh, let me guess.
Vera? I'll leave you to your date.
Wow.
We're gonna have to do something about that now, aren't we? (CLEARS THROAT) Yes.
Well, it's nice to finally meet you.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I've not been well.
I had to lie down.
I'm on antibiotics for fungus.
You're a quiet one, aren't you? Oh, no.
No, I can't get anything off this menu.
I'll be sick at both ends.
You're making a mistake here, Neil.
You and Kirsty could be really happy together.
Trust me.
I know how fulfilling a marriage can be.
Mostly by looking at other people's.
I suppose what I'm struggling to understand here is why you asked her to marry you in the first place? She's not too bad, I suppose.
Let me rephrase that.
What I'm struggling to understand is why she said yes.
Look, Neil, you've broken the girl's heart.
-Have I? -Yes.
I mean, just look at her.
Don't you feel anything? Yeah, I do.
You're going to talk to her.
No.
I need to use the toilet.
Why don't you flush yourself while you're at it? Well, you dodged a bullet there, Kirsty.
That man is a complete pillock.
-What did he say? -I don't know.
I lost track of how many grunts for yes and how many grunts for no.
Kirsty, you could do so much better.
-You think? -Of course, you're worth 1 0 of him.
To be honest with you, Kirsty, the whole family's been talking about this for the past few months and we all agree.
You're better off without him.
-He's dull.
-He's arrogant.
And he's a rubbish kisser.
Apparently.
Is that the best you've got? (SIGHING) And you know Ever since I've known him, he's never remembered my birthday.
-What a scum bag.
-Makes Ben look like Prince Charming.
You have no idea what an understatement that is.
I'll tell you something.
I've been out with a lot of losers in my time And you have no idea what an understatement that is.
But this guy.
This guy, he's a complete waste of space.
You're right.
He would never lift a finger around the house, and try getting him to pay for dinner.
What a dead weight.
-To Kirsty.
-To Kirsty.
And her great escape from an arrogant, self-obsessed troglodyte.
-ALL: To Kirsty.
-Yes.
I'll tell you what, Kirsty, you are the luckiest woman in the world tonight.
If you'd married him, you'd be as big a loser as he is.
(CLEARING THROAT) Listen.
So how about we do this thing tomorrow then? Okay.
But seeing you two kids together, it's magic.
See you, Kenzo.
Thanks for inviting me over.
-See you, Dad.
-Shut up, Mikey.
What? I'm trying to climb in through the window and be stealth like.
I'm using the element of surprise.
I can't hear you! I said I'm trying to be stealth like and climb in through the window.
-Come again? -Push off! All right, Dad.
No need to shout.
Idiot.
You're becoming tiresome.
-Are you finished with these? -Ah, yes.
No, I'm not.
Anyway, that's the freeing thing about losing your toenails.
They grow back beautifully.
I hope.
(LAUGHING) (FAKES LAUGHING) So, who gets the bill? Oh, look at me, I've got alligator arms.
Oh, for someone who couldn't eat anything off the menu, you seem to have done rather well.
No, look, you're leaving way too much of a tip.
Here, one, two, three.
It's, uh, very nice meeting you.
Oh, honey.
Our night's not over yet.
(GASPING) -I haven't shaved my pits for nothing.
-Yes.
Yes, of course.
-Hi.
-Did you forget something? Yes.
I forgot to ask you out when I should've.
Would you like to go out with me? Absolutely.
But there's one thing you should know.
I have all my toenails, I hope that's not a problem.
Not at all.
Roger.
Does your bathroom have a window or shall I do it here? (MUFFLED) We've had a bit of fun tonight, Kenzo, okay? So why don't you open the window? Why should I? You wouldn't let me watch my cartoon.
Maybe we can come to some little arrangement.
I could make it worth your while if you let me in.
-Go on.
-I can be a very generous man.
I'm listening.
What have you got? -Depends what you want.
-Sweets, new football boots and a bike.
A good one though.
Something classy.
How good are we talking? Well, it's got to be a limited-edition mountain bike with 1 4 gears.
You wouldn't accept a second hand model? I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
Oh, come on.
They're very expensive.
I've had a bad month.
-Well, it's not my problem! -Look.
You know my demands, I put my offer on the table, I can be a very reasonable man, but I will not be held to ransom.
Fine.
Stay out there then.
I win.
I didn't want it to come to this, Kenzo.
To what? I think you'll find your old granddad still has an ace up his sleeve.
What if I were to smash the window? You're bluffing.
-Oh, I am, am I? -I think you are.
You think Kenzo, you walk away and I'm going to smash the window Kenzo, you walk away, I'm going to smash the Kenzo! A-ha! You didn't think I'd do that, did you? Ha ha! Now I'm in.
No, you're not.
(LOCK TURNING) Hi.
Hey, Mum.
Where's Grandma? Well, Grandma drank a very fun drink which made her very happy, and as a result made her dance very energetically.
Until some men came over to take her to see some other men to talk about what she'd done.
So she got drunk and arrested? In a nutshell.
So, how was your evening? -Pretty quiet really.
-Yeah? Did you and Granddad enJoy your cartoon? Well, I did.
Granddad didn't really get to see it.
Really, why? He fancied some fresh air.
Hmm.
So, where is he now? He went to bed.
He tired himself out.
He's had a lot of excitement tonight.
(DOOR RATTLING) BEN: Kenzo! Is that your granddad? He's probablyjust having a bad dream.
(DOOR RATTLING) -Popcorn? -Hmm.