My Left Nut (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
THEY GIGGLE
Hi, stallion.
What the fuck?
That's him, isn't it?
Aye, that's him.
Whip it out, then!
Shit.
Can everyone see it?
THEY LAUGH
Ooh.
Big Dick Mick!
BOTH: Big Dick Mick!
Big Dick Mick!
Lads, what are yous on about?
Rachael told everyone
you've got a big dick.
EVERYONE is talking about it!
What?
Apparently, she tried to
suck you off in the car park,
but she couldn't fit it
in her mouth!
This is brilliant news!
I'm so excited for us.
Us? Every group's gotta have a lad
with a big dick in it./fon
Gives us prestige.
Absolutely not.
I don't want to see it or anything!
We just need an estimate. Mm-hm.
I'll measure it
through your trousers.
Be sure to get the girth as well.
That's just as important.
No way. Tommy! Jesus Christ, lads.
We need to know
what we're working with here!
I measure mine
two or three times a week.
I was wondering what you nicked
that microscope for.
And here, Mick,
wash the tape measure after,
my ma needs it back. You get
your ma to measure your dick?!/fo
Oh, piss off, would ya?
Rachael?
Rachael? What's wrong with her?
I can't believe you'd spread lies
like that, Mick.
That's fucked-up! What?
I didn't do anything. co
Everyone's saying she gave you
a blowjob in the car park.
She's in bits.
She'd never do that.
COUGHING: You would.
What did you say? Oh, nothing.
You never messaged me
after the other night,
so you can go fuck yourself
with your wee squirrel prick.
That's from me.
And that's from Rachael.
You really messed it up with
the ladies, there, lads.
Niamh would never shout at me
at school.
That's because she doesn't go
to this school. Or exist.
Did she really suck you off?
Aye, I can't believe you
kept that quiet!
I was only round
the corner for a few minutes.
She must have been goin' like
Henry the Hoover
to get you off that quickly.
No! Of course not.
Fuck sake.
How'd that even get about?
You know how these things
get out of hand.
Let's see.
Rachael definitely told Siobhan.
You know, women tell each other
everything.
And Siobhan must have told
Fionnuala
cos they made a pact
in primary school
to tell each other everything,
you know, cross their hearts,
hope to die.
And then Fionnuala and her brother
Jack, they're weirdly close.
It's actually kind of creepy,
so she must have told him!
And then he told Dermo, cos they've
got hurling together on Sundays
WHISTLE BLARES
Hey, you two,
get over here, you two shites!
..then Dermo told my cousin Cahill,
who phoned me,
and here we are.
Somewhere in all of that,
it must have gotten muddled up.
So Rachael started it by telling
Siobhan?
It's all her fault?
It's not a bad rumour to be
going around, to be fair.
Where are you going?
The bogs.
Don't let it fall in the urinal!
Watch where you're going. I know.
Some people these days./fon
Honestly. Come on.
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
That's not on silent, you wab!
THEY LAUGH
What are yous doing?
All right, wee man.
Just, er, confirming the news.
You're stinking!
Whoa. Whoa.
Bet it's not as big as mine, though.
Go on, helicopter it for me.
Get his trousers down.
THEY LAUGH
Whoa! Fuck, Mick.
Come on, Big Dick Mick.
It's only a wee joke.
Come on, whip it out.
Rachael. Piss off, Mick!
Did you just go around telling
half the school or what? What?!
All these rumours are flying around.
It's nothing to do with me!
You told Siobhan! No, I just told
I just told her what happened.
I didn't make anything up!
Siobhan can't keep her mouth shut
about anything.
She's my best friend! Yeah?
Well, now she's gone and told some
pudding girl
who loves her brother or something,
and now everyone's talking about my
dick! Who gives a shit abo
People are saying
I gave you a blowjob!
DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS
They all think I'm some stupid
tramp, thanks to you.
I didn't say anything!
Mick, the number of guys who
asked me to the cinema today,
while their mates stood behind them
making blowjob noises
It's humiliating!
Look, I don't know how the rumour
started, and I'm sorry,
but it wasn't me, OK?
I wouldn't do that.
I'll try to put it straight, OK?
Yoooo, big lad!
THEY LAUGH
Oh, hey. Don't go sucking him off
in the corridor, now.
Dirty, wee slut.
HE LAUGHS
That's setting it straight, is it?
Do you know what? Fuck you, Mick.
Even if you didn't start
all of this, you're loving it.
You're a legend
and I'm just a dirty, wee slut!
Hope your massive dick gets
penis cancer and falls off.
Michael! What?
I got you that razor you were after.
An electric one? Uh-huh. Man at the
shop said this one was very
And you don't have to learn
how to
You think I don't know how to shave?
No, I just thought
this would be handy.
Do you think I'm an idiot?
Do you think I'm a fucking child?!
Michael. What?!
Don't you dare speak to me
like that! Why not? I hate you!/fo
You don't even know what you're
doing, do you?!
No, I don't, but I'm trying
my very best.
Michael.
Michael, don't you dare walk away
from me when I'm speaking to you!
Where do you think you're going?
Out!
Michael Campbell, you get back here
right now!
Mick! Come here, Mick.
Piss off. What's all this about you
and that wee girl?
Nothing. Well, there's rumours
going round that she
You know what they're saying?
Yeah, I know, I don't care.
Well, she might care!
Starting rumours like that
doesn't make you the big man,
it makes you a prick.
I didn't start anything.
Look, if you want a girl
to like you, Mick,
you have to treat her right.
Nobody's going to want to go out
with you
if you're starting rumours
like that.
Everything all right?
Who gives a shit about the rumours?!
It's stupid school bullshit!
Yeah, you're THAT Mick.
You're Big Dick Mick! Danny!
Where are you going?
Just leave me alone.
Thank you.
Come on.
Bye, Big Dick Mick!
# You've got those sad eyes
# Something's on your mind
# You've got those sad eyes again
# Sometimes we're lonely
# Alone with all our thoughts
# I think it never will change
# But you don't have to
say anything now
# You don't have to talk
But if you want help ♪
Rachael.
I'm still not speaking to you.
OK.
So you're just not going to say
anything, then?
What? I thought you just said
Doesn't matter.
Look, Rachael, I'm sorry
about earlier.
It really wasn't me
who spread the rumour.
But people shouldn't be saying
that shit about you.
It's just Diesel and Wee Spud,
they
They got me
in the toilets earlier and
..I just didn't want them
starting something again.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
I still should have stood up for
you, and I'm sorry.
Thanks.
You were right anyway.
Siobhan is a bit of a gossip, like.
But she's my mate, you know?
Yeah.
So where you headed?
Nowhere.
Just needed to get out of the house
for a while.
Come on. Let's get off here.
I used to go for walks here
with my family when I was younger.
But now me and Siobhan just come
here to drink at the weekends.
Oh, yeah? That's cool.
I just drink in the house, like.
Jesus, my ma would go nuts
if I drank in front of her.
Oh, God, no, not in front of her.
She'd go mental.
No, just when she's out.
Yeah, I actually got caught
a couple of weeks ago.
No way!
What happened?
So I was coming back from here,
and we'd only had, like, half a
bottle of vodka between us,
so I thought I was OK.
But then I get home
and my parents are still up.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, and then my auntie and uncle
were round,
and they're mad for board games,
right?
So they make me play Articulate
with them.
So I'm, like, trying to act sober,
and I keep stumbling over my words,
and I can barely read
what's on the card.
I don't think I've ever
been as stressed in my life.
And turns out my ma knew I was drunk
and was just doing it to punish me.
HE LAUGHS
That's genius, to be fair. Yeah.
We didn't speak for a few days
after that.
A few days!
Nah, it's all right, me and mum
are always fighting.
I just had a big fight with my mum.
I've never really fought with her
before.
Really? Never?
Not properly.
Like, she's on her own
and she's so busy with work
and the three of us.
I don't want to upset her.
Thanks for bringing me here.
It's nice. Yeah.
I like it.
And I mean, it's nice just to chat,
you know?
I was all nervous in the cinema.
Me too.
And Mick, see
all the rumour stuff
We don't have to talk about it.
But just, you know,
I've never done any of that stuff
before
and I don't want you to think
No, yeah.
Me neither. It's cool.
Right.
I should probably get home.
Yeah.
And you should probably
talk to your mum.
I know it's hard, like,
but it always makes me feel better
when I talk to mine.
OK. See ya.
MUSIC: Northern Wind
by Cat Stevens/Yusuf
# There is a wind, my Billy
And it's awful strong
# Come for you
and anyone who's helped you along
# But I want to live, live, live
And let the stars shine bright
# Yes, I want to live, live, live
And let it on all right
# And when that bird sings
from over that silver wall
I don't want to fight it, Billy
Cos I want to go. ♪
TELEVISION PLAYS
Sorry for earlier, Mum.
Is everything all right?
Is it about that wee girl
you met at the cinema?
What?
Lucy told me. She's so annoying.
Why doesn't she just mind
her own business?
Hey, just because it didn't go well
doesn't mean it's not going to
work out.
Sure, when I first met your dad,
he was having a party
and I didn't think I was going to go
because I thought
he was an absolute loser.
What, you think I'm a loser?
No, no.
No.
That's cos you take after me.
Well
As long as you're OK. I am.
I'm sorry. I don't hate you.
I should bloody hope not.
I'm sorry for saying that.
Dad always said to never use
the word hate.
Unless I was talking about
Margaret Thatcher.
Comparing me to Maggie Thatcher?
Jesus!
I tell you,
you never would have
shouted at him like that.
Well, I did once.
What?
Yeah.
He was using an electric razor
at the kitchen table,
and I was obsessed
with the shaving foam,
so I'm like, "Ahh, there's no foam".
So I asked, "Was it a better shave?"
and he said it wasn't.
I was really confused and was like,
"Why are you using it
if it's not better?"
And he wouldn't say.
I got really mad at him
cos he'd stopped using the foam
and he wouldn't tell me why.
I just kept shouting at him
and calling him stupid,
and he just sat there with his head
against the wall,
just letting me shout at him.
Michael, his
His hands were too unsteady to
Yeah, I know now, like.
I think I need to go to the doctor.
Why? What's wrong with you?
I have a swelling on my testicle.
A swelling? Is it sore?
No. No, it's just
It's the left one. It's
..bigger.
Right. Look, it's OK.
Right, it's probably nothing.
We're going to get it sorted.
It's all going to be fine,
Michael, OK?
It's all going to be fine.
SHE COUGHS
What if the doctor's a really hot
woman, and she's touching my balls?
I'll definitely pop a root.
Or what if it's a creepy auld man
and I still get a boner?!
Please. Please, God.
Please don't give me an erection.
DOOR OPENS
Michael Campbell?
Shite.
No, Mum, I'll go myself.
Are you sure?
I'll not look or anything.
I'll be grand, Mum. OK.
Well, um, I'll be out here.
If you just want to take a seat
there, the doctor will be in soon.
You're not the doctor?
No, I'm a student.
I'm sort of going around
lots of doctors today.
Thank God.
What was that? Oh, good,
that's good.
Right.
Michael, is it? Yeah.
I'm Dr Gibbon.
Right, why don't you tell me
what the problem is?
Er Well, I think
I think I have Well, I know,
I know I have
Take your time. I have a swelling.
A swelling? OK.
And where is it? On my testicle.
Right.
Well, there's nothing to be getting
worried about just yet.
There's plenty of things
it could be.
Er, why don't we have a look?
See if you just pop yourself up
there, Michael
and you can get yourself sorted,
and then we'll see what we can feel.
Right.
I can, um, see the swelling there.
Obviously, before
I've even touched it.
Right, er, do you mind if I?
Feel the weight of that!
You've been carrying that around
with you?
Gosh.
Right.
Here, we have some medical
students in here today,
do you mind if I get them
in here just to have a wee look?
No! Just say no. Just say no!
So, if you all look here
and notice the swelling has actually
stretched
the, er, the skin of the scrotum
quite extensively,
I'll just go in
and feel the epididymis.
Jumping in the sea in Donegal.
Jumping in the freezing cold
Atlantic Ocean in Donegal.
The absolutely Baltic, freezing
cold ocean covering my balls.
Shite! Not that cold.
Warm. Warm. Warm thoughts!
DISTANT: Although generally
speaking, there's only so much
OK, Mrs Campbell,
so, erm, there is a swelling there.
It's, er, quite a large one.
But it's nothing to worry about,
right?
Well, it could be a million
different things.
Like what?
What we'll do is, we'll book him
in for an ultrasound
as soon as possible, and we'll know
where to go from there, OK?
You can't give us
any kind of indication or anything?
I'm afraid we won't know
until they do the tests.
Bloody tests, never get
a straight answer out of you.
It's always the way, isn't it?
Look, it's nothing to panic about.
So we can book you in
for an ultrasound
..Saturday, 1:30?
Saturday? That's very soon.
Yes, well, it's good
to get it sorted quickly.
Absolutely, yeah.
It can't have been easy coming here
today, Michael.
I know it's tricky with a
..sensitive issue like this.
So well done
on taking the first step.
That takes courage.
Thank you.
Thanks. OK, thank you.
Right, let's get you back to school.
Thanks again. Thank you.
Here, you'll never believe
the size of this wee lad's bollocks
I just had in here!
Look, I got something for
you, it's in the back there.
What is it? Have a wee look.
I was reading about those
electric ones,
and you know, apparently, apparently
they're they're bad for your skin.
So
Thanks, Mum.
Well, just don't come crying to me
when you slit your throat open.
Want one? Absolutely not,
that's rotten.
What's this big news you've been
refusing to tell us?
Well, I had to wait for Mick to get
back from the dentist.
News like this requires
a full audience.
Drum roll, please.
My parents are away this weekend.
Is your da on the run again?
Is he on a training mission with
Catalan separatists?
My da wasn't in the RA.
That's it, Tommy.
Don't tell them a fucking thing!
Look, my parents are away, so
You're having a party?
Well, no, I was going to see
if the lads wanted to come round
and play FIFA.
You can't NOT have a party
if your ma and da are away.
Aye? Would you come if I did?
Will there be drink? Yeah.
Yeah, there'll be booze,
and music and all.
Yeah, it'll be class, yeah. Good.
Yeah, and say to anyone. All right.
See you there, then.
You up for it? Yeah, if you go too.
Sounds fun.
A party?! I don't know how to
organise a party!
Where am I going to get the drink?
No sweat.
My cousin Cahill will get it.
He's just turned 18.
OK. Sweet.
Tell him to bring a few mates
as well.
Couple of older lads at a party's
always good.
All right, yeah.
We need some more girls.
Siobhan and Rachael
will say to a few others but,
Conor, you're going to need to bring
Niamh.
Well, I think she might be busy.
No, but I'll say to her anyway.
OK. Sweet.
Right, lads, this could be good.
Yeah, could be really good.
# There's this girl who I sort of,
kind of, like
# Yeah, she's sort of, kind of, cool
# Kind of smart and kind of nice
# And I also guess that it would be
a sort of lie
If I failed to mention that
she changed my fucking life ♪
What are you doing? Nothing.
Did you just get a tattoo?
It's none of your business
what I just did.
Oh-oh-oh, Mum's going to go mental.
Mum's not going to go mental,
because Mum's not going to find out.
What, you're going to wear
sleeves the rest of your life?
Oh, until I move out, yeah.
I bet it's crap. Is it crap?
It's not crap! Piss off.
Danny said they're brilliant.
Did he make you get it?
No, he didn't make me get it,
we got them together,
not that it's any of your business.
Right.
You wouldn't understand.
What I understand is,
you're buying me a takeaway tonight
or I'm telling Mum.
You're a wee shit.
I'm sure everything's
going to be fine.
Yeah, I know, it's grand. Good.
And, you know, even if it isn't,
even if it is, you know,
something more serious
Well, you know, you're still young,
you'll get through it.
God, the sooner this is over with
the better.
I hate hospitals.
Just reminds me
of being here with your father.
When did he know?
Like, how did he get his diagnosis?
Ach, well
We'd been in and out of here
for months.
You know, doing tests,
and tests and more tests.
And they never said what was wrong.
Um, and then one day,
your dad says to them,
"Is it motor neurone disease?"
cos I think he kind of knew,
um, but the doctor wouldn't say.
So Jimmy plagued him and plagued him
and the doctor still wouldn't say,
even though it was pretty obvious
cos the junior doctor was
sitting there crying her eyes out.
And then eventually,
Jimmy just says to them
"In your OPINION
"..is it motor neurone disease?"
And
..the doctor said yes.
I was just sitting there
..rubbing his back
..rubbing his back.
And then he turns to me and he says,
"Will you stop rubbing my back?"
I didn't know what else to do.
DOOR OPENS
Michael Campbell?
Yeah, that's me. Follow me.
Look, you're going to be OK,
Michael.
Now, if you just want to
take a wee seat there,
pop your trousers off,
and I'll get you shaved.
Shaved? Yes, for the gel.
Need to be shaved.
I got you now. Just relax.
That's you. OK.
Technician will be along soon.
It always looks bigger
when it's shaved, eh? What?!
How's it going, Michael?
I'll be your technician today.
What I will do is perform the scan
and then pass that information on
to the doctor.
That all right? Good. Now
I'm going to put
this on your testicles.
It will be a bit cold.
Is that OK? Uh, yeah.
Whoa. Look at that.
It's a proper ultrasound image,
like a baby.
A baby with no limbs or face.
Just a big boiled egg.
My left nut.
So, what is it?
If you could just lift your right
leg out of the way, there.
And your left leg, please.
So what is it?
Ah, no, I'm just a technician.
I'll have to pass this on
to the doctor. I can't say anything.
But you must have seen
hundreds of these.
Please. What is it?
I can't be saying.
But in your OPINION, what is it?
In my opinion? Yeah.
In my opinion,
you have to wait for the doctor.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
You all right in there, Michael?
Uh, yeah. Two seconds.
And he
He didn't give you any idea at all?
PHONE BEEPS
I don't want to die.
Please.
Please, don't let me die.