My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[jazzy theme music plays]
I have to go out now.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
More than kind.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. That's
very, very reassuring,
and thank you for being here.
My name's Dave.
Now let me tell you a little something
about my life. Okay?
My son is 14 years old, and--
14-year-old parents,
anybody here with 14-year-olds?
Anybody? Come on.
I'm sorry, we have no gifts.
So we have to go to school two nights ago.
Anybody want to guess
the topic of the workshop
we were called to the school to go over
for a 14-year-old?
Just take a guess what it might be.
- [man] Booze!
- [woman] Vaping and social media!
Vaping! Exactly right.
Congratulations, ma'am.
Who here has been vaping in line tonight?
Anybody?
So you are a vaper.
Is that correct, ma'am?
What were you vaping?
[woman] Nicotine.
Nicotine. So are you trying
to quit cigarettes or you just have--
Trying to quit cigarettes.
Now, I've heard that the kids
also sometimes put weed in there.
So
I'll give you an idea
what kind of parent I am
But you know what? I look at it this way.
I'm so old that that'll be
his stepfather's problem, right?
And so I go home and I say,
"Harry, are you vaping?"
and this is what Harry says: "No!"
Problem solved, he's not vaping. Yes!
You probably know
who's going to be here tonight.
Yeah.
Tonight I'm really looking forward
to this person,
because I have a great admiration for her.
I have
I'm amazed at her body of work.
I don't know anyone quite like her.
And I think she's doing me a huge favor,
and flattering not only me,
but the audience, by her presence.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome my next guest,
Tina Fey!
How are you? Nice to see you.
Hello.
We did it!
- We did it.
- Nice going.
- How's it going?
- It's good.
- I'm so happy to see you.
- It's nice to see you.
Can I tell you, I have a real affection
and familiarity with this theater?
- Is that right?
- I do.
Because every year my kids participate
in a three-hour tap recital
in this theater.
Wow, three hours.
Yeah, and it's really good.
But I always end up volunteering
to be the backstage mom,
'cause I figure with a lot of things,
I'm working, I can't do it,
and I'm in show biz,
so I said, "I'll be the backstage mom,"
and I spend
four hours, all told,
in the basement of this building
in a room, a windowless concrete room,
with, like, 25 to 30 kindergartners
wearing tap shoes and tutus,
and my job is to keep them alive,
first and foremost.
Get them up the stage,
keep them alive after their number.
And I give them-- My strategy,
I give them as much candy as they want.
So let me think.
We're talking about Penelope and Alice?
- Yes.
- Yes, it's interesting,
I don't know anything
about having daughters,
but the fact that they're doing the same
thing, is that common in families?
They're six years apart,
so there's so few things
that they will really do together.
They'll eat next to each other.
And this year, I got them one of those
or I should say,
Santa Claus got them one of
Wow, that's a huge fuck-up.
Sorry.
Santa Claus brought them a Nintendo thing,
and this is actually
this is the one thing
that they'll play together
at the same time.
Because it's very-- The other thing
they do at the same time
is they'll make little movies,
because one is the director
and the other is the star,
and so everyone's happy.
- That's lovely.
- They'll make little horror movies.
Now let's go back to the Nintendo thing,
because this is the bane of my existence.
One of Harry's grandmothers,
the one who's alive,
gave Harry a thingy,
a ding-which-whippy
- Switch.
- I don't know what it is.
And he plays a thing on it,
and if you would let him,
he would do it every waking minute.
And so I have to be gruff
and stern with him.
Now, is this a problem for you
and your daughters,
or not a problem at all?
This is the first time
they've had one of these,
but my six-year-old, Penelope,
she would, if you would let her,
she watches these
Minecraft videos.
- We went through the Minecraft.
- Which is people playing Minecraft,
and kind of making voices over it.
It's like
And it is crack cocaine to her.
She will watch it
And she will be like, "I'm going
to be alone in my room with it."
- All right.
- Yeah.
The screen, like,
just hold the screen here.
Yeah, that's right.
And my son holds the screen in his lap,
and I think,
"Well, there you go. He's sterile."
It's just--
No, listen.
My husband falls asleep--
My husband listens to old radio plays
at night sometimes.
It's fine. Everything's going fine.
And he falls asleep every night
with the iPad on his lap.
I was like, "I don't think that's good."
No, it's not good.
Now again, this is none of my business,
but are the girls vaping?
The little one is.
But it's like a bubblegum flavor.
- So that's the--
- Vaping is the grossest.
If I can impart one thing to young people,
it's just so gross and lame.
Like, please don't.
- No.
- Please don't.
But then the fear is
that the kids are vaping the weed.
Now, have you ever-- Have you ever
- Have I vaped weed?
- Yeah.
No. I've never even smoked weed.
I'm real square.
I mean, Nancy Reagan, when I was a kid,
Nancy Reagan was like, "Say no to drugs,"
and I was like, "Copy that. Got it."
Easy. Done.
So obedient.
Now, your first name is Elizabeth.
- Yes.
- Pronounce your middle name.
- Stamantina.
- Stamantina. It's a beautiful name.
Thank you. It was my grandmother's name.
My Greek grandmother,
even though it's kind of an Italian word.
Is it an Italian word?
It means "this morning" in Italian.
- Really?
- I think so. Anybody? Italian?
- But Elizabeth Fey, what a beautiful name.
- Thank you.
That's a 1940s movie star name.
- Thanks.
- On the marquee it fits perfectly.
"So what happened?" is your question?
No, no, no.
Here's what I figured out.
- You took the Liz from Elizabeth
- Yes.
- and became Liz Lemon in 30 Rock.
- Yeah, that's right.
[audience cheers]
Huge jump.
- Everybody knows that, I guess.
- No, I don't know.
But, yeah,
that was sort of the thinking there.
It's not too common a name.
It's sort of like a prostitute name.
- Like, if you ever see--
- Tina is a prostitute name.
If you ever see a character
named Tina in a movie,
it's not going to be a heart surgeon.
It's going to be a prostitute.
But hopefully I'm helping
to change that perception.
Anyway, I--
Tell me about your family.
Your mother and father.
- I was really taken by Don.
- Yeah.
- Is it Don?
- Yeah.
This sounds like a guy I would
either like to know or like to be.
Yeah, you're right on both counts.
He was a real Renaissance man.
He was a painter by hobby.
He had done all this amazing work.
We set up his art, he wrote poetry,
and he was just the coolest guy.
And among all that,
a rabid Flyers fan.
Like, just a full-tilt dude.
What did Don do for a living?
He did many things.
He served in Korea.
He was a fireman for a while
in Philadelphia.
Then he went back to finish college
after the war.
He went to Franklin & Marshall,
and then finished at Temple University.
And we actually--
He passed away a couple years ago,
and my brother and my mom and I set up
a scholarship in his name at Temple,
'cause he studied journalism there.
And we set up a very narrow window
of people who want to study in the school
of journalism who are vets.
So if you're a vet and you want
to come back and study journalism,
this is the Don Fey Memorial Scholarship,
and we've given it
to two great young people already,
and it's been really satisfying.
'Cause also I thought, "Well that would be
great if people who served came
and then wrote for newspapers."
That might clear up a lot of
You can't really say,
"They're getting it wrong."
Are they? 'Cause they served
and have a degree in journalism.
- That's a wonderful idea
- Yeah.
on many facets.
Wonderful way to memorialize your father,
and a wonderful thing to do for kids--
they're not kids-- vets,
and a wonderful thing to do
for the world of journalism.
But my characterization,
as I'm reading about him,
- is that he could be a hard-ass.
- He was absolutely a hard-ass.
You know, he's old school, right?
And we were scared of him
in what I feel is the good way.
Like, is Harry scared of you?
No one's scared of me, either.
Whenever I see Harry,
he comes home from school,
what he wants to do,
this is how frightened the boy is of me,
he wants to fight.
- He wants to physically fight you?
- That's right.
- As a coup.
- He is such a timid little guy.
Yeah.
And your mom,
she and Don got along all right?
Yeah, you know, they did. It's funny.
My mom, for years,
has needed hearing aids.
She's 87, and she's in great shape.
She's got that Mediterranean thing
of just like
Just, you know, we eat--
Mediterraneans, like, eat better.
She's Greek-American, whatever,
but for years,
she needed hearing aids,
and she wouldn't get them,
and then when my dad passed,
she had to get them,
'cause she would be safer.
But also, I think she just kind of--
He talked a lot, and I think
I think she was--
I think it preserved the marriage
that she didn't get the hearing aids.
And did both of them--
I know your mom and Don got to see
and experience your success?
Yeah, he did, and it was,
you know, very lucky.
I thought I wouldn't
get emotional, but
Cut this part out, right?
Pause. When I got the Mark Twain Prize,
which you have as well--
It's this comedy prize
that, like, they give you in DC,
and they wanted to give it to me
after Sarah Palin.
That's what it was. I played Sarah Palin.
I played Palin, and they were like,
"We want to give you a prize,"
and I said to Lorne Michaels,
who also had it,
and I was like, "No, you got it
for like 30 years of work.
It doesn't make sense.
It's inappropriate."
And Lorne very wisely said,
"Take it while your parents are alive."
Oh, yeah.
So I got this award,
and my parents got to go,
and it was, like, this incredible weekend.
We had dinner in the Capitol Building.
You know, you've done all this.
And it was so funny
because they had to be nice
to Nancy Pelosi,
and it was, like,
such a mixed bag for them.
They were like big time Republicans,
and they were just like
"Okay, we love it, but we also--
All right."
But it was, you know, they got to see so--
And my mom's still here,
my mom's still seeing all this stuff,
but it really was satisfying
to them, I think.
Yeah. That's a lovely thing. Very nice.
Going back to Sarah Palin,
we see an example of,
excuse the expression, comedy and culture,
your participation moving
the needle there a bit.
I don't know that it did.
I do think it was
Now it seems like a folksy,
simpler time, doesn't it?
That election was so civilized, you know,
comparatively.
And that whole thing was over six weeks,
and it was a strange time,
but I do remember
that Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers
and I worked so hard on those sketches.
Seth would usually write the first draft
with some other people,
then Amy and I would come in,
if she was Hillary,
and we were so
careful, we didn't want to put
anything in there that wasn't--
That we didn't believe was true.
We would talk a lot about
what was called a "fair hit,"
and not just swinging like crazy.
We never wrote things saying, "We're
going to write this to convince anybody.
This is-- we're going to try
to observe the truth and say it."
Like, what feels true about
what's going on here,
and how can we make
a sketch out of it?
So tell me about meeting Sarah Palin.
You know, I met her,
and it was the end of this run,
it was this, like
The natural life of any SNL character is,
you do it,
you do it a couple more times,
and then like, you know,
then the person you're imitating,
they end up coming on,
and you do it with them.
It's like, this arc that usually
takes place over years.
This happened within six weeks.
I went to Lorne and, I said,
"Please, I don't want to do it with her,"
because I didn't feel right about it,
and also I was like, "If I do that,
then that's what they're gonna show
at the Emmys when I die."
Like, let's
And so we kinda finagled it, and we met,
and she was perfectly nice.
But it was a weird--
It was a weird thing.
I don't know if you feel this way,
you talked to President Obama,
which, that's certainly soothing,
but sometimes do you ever feel like
Do you ever feel like, "I don't want to--
I shouldn't be this close
to the people actually running the world."
- Yes. Yes.
- Like, that's something wrong.
I read the book, the Bossypants book.
Thanks, guys.
People applauding that I read the book.
Thank you.
And I can't begin to imagine it.
I mean, that's a lot of work.
That's a real book,
and how many did it sell,
just for the fun of it?
- You know, it sold real well.
- Yes.
- I don't have the--
- Millions and millions.
I wanna say 500 billion copies.
I don't know.
It sold very well. It was on
the best seller list for a long time.
And it was-- It's not the longest book.
You know, t's probably--
Is it even 300 pages?
But I remember at the time,
I was like, "This is going to kill me.
- This is so hard."
- How long did it take?
Did you write every day?
No, I think had a year and a half,
probably, to deliver it,
and I wrote the bulk of it
in the last six months.
And I remember, when I was trying
to finish it/edit it,
was over the holidays of 2010,
and right around the same time,
I found out I was pregnant at 40,
delivering at 41 with Penelope,
and I could not have been
more out of my mind,
hormonally and stress-wise, I was like
My poor husband,
he would find me, he'd come in,
and I'd be in the shower just crying,
like, "This book!
This book is gonna sink us!"
I don't know why.
'Cause it's very vulnerable, I guess.
You write sketch comedy and stuff
for so long,
and to write this thing, this is me
talking directly through the book,
and it's just tales of my life,
and if people go, "That stinks,"
then that would feel like a very--
That's a very vulnerable position.
Well I found to be, first of all,
great fun to read,
and candid.
I found it to be extremely candid.
It sold all of these copies in hardback,
also in paper back, and this spring,
it's coming out with no cover.
So
Now I want to know about your husband.
Yes. He said--
I said, "I dunno
what we're gonna talk about,"
and he's like, "You can always talk
about your very successful marriage."
He's really funny.
How long have you been married?
We got married in 2001,
but we met and started dating
in 1994 in Chicago.
In Chicago. Now, was he part
of The Second City activities?
He was. I met him at a place called
the Improv Olympic. Anybody?
He was the piano player.
So he had a really specific--
And only a few handful of people
in America have had this job,
which is they play the piano for people
who are improvising comedy,
and so he's really, really gifted at it,
and he could play the piano,
and he could kinda guide the show.
Like, when people weren't good,
or they were new,
and he could sort of [scats]
Which sorta meant, "Get off."
Like, he could kinda
Or he would bring a piece of music back,
and that would remind people subtly,
"Wait, we can connect these two,"
so he was a really gifted
improv piano player,
and then we both worked
at The Second City,
and he moved up to also be
a director there too, a proper director.
- The improv
- Yeah.
How does that work?
Improv works
Improv, you go to school for it,
you can go to school here in--
Anybody here go to UCB?
Or in Los Angeles?
- What is UCB?
- Upright Citizens Brigade, which is--
- Started by Amy Poehler
- Yeah.
I thought it was
University of California in
- Berkeley.
- Barstow.
University of California Barstow.
Or Improv Olympic or Second City. It's
It's you make up stuff as you go
and it's all about agreeing with people
or whatever, you follow them.
But you said that there's a way to begin.
It always has to begin--
Everything starts, "Yes, and,"
that what you're thinking of?
"Yes, and," okay.
Now, I've never done it.
Right.
- And I would like to-- I mean just--
- You should.
- Take a class at UCB.
- Well, give me a thing.
So if you and I--
Say you and I-- What's a location?
Where would we be
where two people would fit?
- [audience member] Beach!
- So we're at the beach.
So then we just start being at the beach,
and then, the "Yes, and" is,
is whatever I say, you agree to it,
- and you add some new information to it.
- Okay, all right. Let's go.
Here we go.
Wow, this is the easiest crowd
in the world.
The anticipation of lousy improv.
It's the thrill of it. It's gonna involve
some imaginary objects,
- so don't get scared, all right?
- What have you got there?
- I'm sorry. I don't say anything.
- You can say whatever you want.
Okay.
Oh, is that? Yeah.
You're getting pretty burned.
Yeah, well you know,
just earlier this afternoon,
I found something on my back
that looks like it may
Oh, yeah?
Well, that this part's true.
Yeah.
But I think it's from sun exposure.
So you're smart to put
the imaginary lotion on.
What you should probably do is lay down
and just let the sun cook it off.
That seems like an excellent idea,
but I'm not as dumb as I look.
How could you be?
Wait a minute.
And scene!
Lights went out.
[audience cheers]
Technically, I ended with a question.
That's when your husband plays
the music that it's over.
He would have been like
Laugh-In looks at the news! ♪
I feel like I was taken advantage of,
because my true-life medical situation
was exploited and mocked.
- Used for fodder. That's terrible.
- That's right.
You should get that thing
looked at on your back.
Yeah, I'm going to.
One thing I wanted to ask you about
was Chicago.
- I love it there.
- How long were you there?
I lived there from 1992 to 1997.
So that's five years.
I think we'll spend some time there.
- I'll tell you where to eat.
- I would like a--
The deep dish pizza
that I've had in Chicago,
prior to the last time,
I thought was bullshit.
So give me a decent
- I feel like, I want to say Gino's East?
- Okay!
I think that's where--
I take Steve Carell's word on this.
No, it could be Lou Malnati's.
He might be a Lou Malnati's guy.
There's a place called The Athenian Room
where I used to go all the time,
little tiny place, Greek diner,
and they roast these chickens
with lemon and all this stuff,
and then they take the big roasted chicken
and put it on a plate of steak fries
and all the all the lemony chicken fat
sinks down into the fries.
And that's why, like,
when I left Chicago,
I rolled into New York
at a crisp 150 pounds.
I just got to New York,
I was like, short hair with a perm,
being like, "Here I am, big city!"
- How long have you been here?
- I beat you to the punch.
Diana Ross sang "Beat You to the Punch."
- Have you ever been here?
- At this place?
- Yeah.
- No.
Somebody suggested you and I come here.
Tina Fey.
When she lived in Chicago, Second City.
Oh, okay.
She said it's roasted chicken or something
on top of a pile of French fries,
and that the grease from the chicken
drips down on the French fries.
And if you eat the whole thing,
it'll kill ya.
So that's that's why we're here.
- And that's why you brought me here?
- Yeah.
Yeah, believe me,
I think I'm in greater danger
of going down than you are.
Buddy Guy, ladies and gentlemen!
I have to thank my friend Paul
for getting to know you.
Buddy Guy! Come on, man!
- Here we go!
- Yeah!
Oh, my God!
You were always very generous
with your time,
and would come and be on the show.
Thank you.
And it made a normal show
something special,
and thank you for that.
- Can I say this?
- Yeah.
We need more David Letterman.
- Oh, do we ever.
- Yes.
What did your folks do in Louisiana?
Sharecroppers. You know what that is?
Sharecropper.
I do know what a sharecropper is, yeah.
At nine years old they had the ranch
with the cattle.
I had to horse ride the cattle.
Then I had to break the wild ponies
with no saddle.
He could buck for 20 minutes or so,
then he'll realize you're not harming him.
So you were actually breaking
wild horses, as it were.
Yeah, and you know,
riding the cattle ranch, too.
Jesus Christ.
Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Yeah. As advertised.
Yes, it is.
I have an idea of the origin
of Chicago blues.
It's kind of stand-alone from other
blues music, am I right about that?
David, I've had the same question asked
to me a million times,
but guess what?
I don't think none of it
was really Chicago music.
We all was from the south and we came in,
the Chess Brothers recorded it here
and that's when they started
calling it "Chicago."
If you really wanna be honest about it,
you should call it the Southern blues.
Yeah, so then there's no difference
and it just happened to be the geography
of the recording?
Right. You know I'm from Louisiana.
They got everything on this table
but what I like best.
Spicy stuff.
Tastes pretty good, Dave.
- Wow, holy crap.
- Yeah.
It's greasy.
I'm not saying that it's bad.
Grease from the chicken or some other
kinda grease they put in it?
Let's forget about where it's from.
[Buddy laughing]
Explain to me the feeling, the sensation,
when you're involved
in a presentation of comedy
and it just doesn't quite go
the way you wanna go.
The feeling of bombing,
which I've experienced,
I was never a stand-up comic,
but I was an improviser
and a sketch comic--
And you should experience it
if you never have,
because it is like a free fall,
and then you kind of--
There's kind of a giddiness to it
when it starts to go so badly.
And I remember being in things on stage
at Second City with Rachel Dratch,
And we would get
what was called the Dratch Claw,
'cause she would just--
in the middle of it,
she would lock eyes with you
with her giant blue eyes,
and you'd be like, "We're falling!"
And there's something really valuable
about having that happen
and just bombing, and then realizing
that you didn't die.
You're like, "Well, you lived."
Nothing to be afraid of, really.
I think we've discussed this before.
The giddiness of a completely
successful performance
is never as great as the misery of one
that you think is a bomb.
Yeah. The highs are not as high
as the lows.
That must be true
in life generally, though, isn't it?
I wonder. I mean, people in comedy
are somewhat broken people,
but it's like the thing on social media,
you could read 100 positive comments,
and you will only remember
the one bad one.
You'll only remember
the one person that was like
But you're not broken, I mean
No, I'm doing all right. I'm all right.
Tell me a little bit about
your relationship with Lorne Michaels.
With Lorne? Lorne is someone
I consider a very good friend of mine.
- Like, you know, I really--
- Has it always been that way?
No, when I first met him,
I came from Chicago.
My friend Adam McKay
was head writer at SNL,
and I knew him
from Second City in Chicago,
and I said, "I want to get
a writing job on the show."
I was working at Second City,
which is this comedy theater,
and they had seen--
SNL had come and scouted talent,
and they were never interested in me
as a performer.
So I write a submission packet
as a writer and I sent it,
and Adam said,
"Okay, you got past the first step,
and come fly to New York and meet Lorne,"
and that first meeting was just so,
like, surreal
as a person who grew up such a fan of SNL.
You say,
"Okay, I'm here to see Lorne Michaels,"
and you go up and, you know,
you wait for an hour or two,
and you go in to see Lorne,
and his nameplate: "Lorne Michaels."
The only advice that anyone--
I'd ask people who had been down
that road before, I said, "Any advice?"
And they said, "The only thing I'd say
is don't finish his sentences.
He just hates it when people
finish his sentences."
"Okay, got it."
So I'm sitting in the chair,
and I'm looking at Lorne,
who I've seen on TV my whole life.
And he just goes, "You're from"
[audience laughs]
And I just was like, "Oh, it's a trick."
And after what seemed like
an interminable pause,
I was like, "Philadelphia,"
and he was like, "Chicago,"
and I'm like, "Yeah."
You were the first female head writer
of Saturday Night Live.
[audience cheers]
Could you get me on that show?
SNL?
Yeah, do you--
I don't want to do anything.
Because I understand
that the hours are rigorous.
The hours are rigorous,
you stay up all night.
And I don't want to go to the table read.
You want to be like a camera man?
I just want to be, like, a guy
You know, you have sketches and stuff,
and I just want to be
A background actor?
Hundred percent.
Let's make-- I'll make a call.
How hard would that be?
It's just a long day.
You go in on Saturday,
- and you have snacks.
- No, I can't. Saturday--
Wait a minute, did you say snacks?
- There's snacks.
- Yeah, no. I have to--
I like to spend Saturdays with my family.
Okay.
But they must have asked you
to host over the years.
Years and years and years ago,
Mr. Michaels was very generous,
and it was because I was scared silly.
But you didn't do it.
I don't think so.
I think you'd remember.
I want to talk about 30 Rock,
because what I--
Well, first of all,
it looks like this is your life.
This really is just your life.
This is your life running that show,
this is your life as the head writer
on Saturday Night Live,
but this really is Tina Fey's life.
It was, like, a Sliding Doors version
of my life.
If I had not found any happiness
outside of work.
In real life, like, I'm married
and have a child at home,
but this was a person who was all work.
But, yeah, we tried to use those
dynamics of those relationships.
- Certainly, the pressure
- Yeah.
of running those shows
comes right off the screen.
Now, happy that you have a full rich
family life in addition to that,
but my God, it's hard to imagine
anybody going through that.
Well, you know the grind
of the endless runaway train of your show.
I mean, that's--
I look back now on 30 Rock,
and think I could not do that now.
I would not.
I would not say, like, "I'm going to be
in every scene of this,
and I'm going to get up at five every day,
and then stay up until
two in the morning with the writers."
Like, I don't think I have
the stamina anymore.
I know this is a topic
that you don't like talking about,
and i's a topic without an answer,
but women in comedy.
And I know you've been
very generous to women,
in correcting an oversight.
Now, when I had a television show,
people would always say to me--
I would do an interview
with something somewhere,
and they would say,
"Why didn't you,
why don't you have women writers?"
And the best I could come up with was,
- "I don't know."
- Yeah.
I didn't know
why there weren't women writers.
I don't know. There was no policy
against women writers.
And I always thought, "Well, jeez,
if I was a woman,
I'm not sure I would want to ride
on my little nickel and dime,
dog and pony show anyway,"
'cause we're on at 12:30.
- Yeah, we do wanna ride on it, though.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
But
But that is my ignorance,
and I feel bad for that,
and it's changing.
Has changed.
It has changed quite a bit.
I don't keep tabs show-by-show, but
it has changed a lot.
I think the great thing
about Saturday Night Live is, there is--
the system is actually very fair,
because there's a huge table read
middle of the week
where everyone writes their ideas
on Tuesday night,
and then Wednesday,
they get around the table
and they read, like,
40 or 50 sketches.
And so you always get to write
whatever you want,
and you'll always get your shot
to perform it in that table read,
and if it plays, it will go.
Most likely. And
What started to improve was,
as the chemistry of that room
slowly became more diverse,
other things played better.
Beth McCarthy-Miller was our director.
She came in the same year I did.
She was the female director.
Jenna, our stage manager,
Stephanie, the AD.
Like, there were just literally
more women in the room.
So they would sometimes laugh at stuff
that the guys weren't
purposely not laughing at,
but it didn't appeal to them.
One time I felt like I actually was
a good advocate for women in comedy.
At the beginning of every year at SNL,
we would do the commercial parodies.
You come in in August,
and the first thing you write
are all the fake commercials.
You try to film a bunch of them
before the year.
And my friend Paula Pell,
who's one of the funniest people
I dunno if you've ever met her,
but she is the one of the funniest people
in the world.
And she, for a couple years,
had submitted this commercial parody
that was--
Remember when there was the trend
of, like, everything was, like,
"Coke Classic" and "Nike Classic,"
so she had written this commercial parody
called "Kotex Classic."
And it was a really funny thing
of that, like, you know,
you go back to a throwback era
of sort of a giant,
loaf-of-bread-sized Kotex pad.
And I was in the room, I was one of
the head writers for the first time
and they were going through the packet,
and they go, "Not this one,"
and I was like, "But I like this one.
This is a good one."
They were like, "Wait,"
and through discussion,
they weren't purposely being like,
"This is a lady thing, this is gross,"
but it became clear that they literally,
truly did not understand
what she was talking about,
because they were guys.
I was like, 'No it would be like"
They were like, "We don't understand.
Would they have to have no pants on?"
"No," and I explained the gag,
- and they were like, "Okay, we'll try it,"
- I see how that works.
and we filmed it, and it was really funny.
I think it's Maya Rudolph, maybe,
in a swimming pool with one of them,
and her back half just floats up.
Kinda like--
And it was a successful thing,
and I feel like,
this is an example:
it's not purposeful, not institutional,
but if there's not a person in the room
who gets it,
then it'd be like,
"She doesn't get anything on."
And it just perpetuates itself.
And that's why I feel like
the more diverse the room,
in every way, smoother sailing.
People behave themselves better,
different things.
The cream will rise differently, you know.
And then I was taken--
Either I dreamed this,
or I read it in the book,
about the jars of urine.
- Did I dream that?
- Oh, yes.
No, I dream about it.
No, I know, that's right.
That was, you know, it was a
It was a more male environment
when I got there.
Not in a hateful way,
but sometimes you'd go
and there'd just be a jar of urine
in the office,
'cause somebody would be too busy--
Hands?
Who works in a place
where there's jars of urine?
Yeah? Are you a urologist, though?
It's the laziest thing I've ever heard.
- They'd be like, "Well--"
- I have never heard of that.
Yeah. That's the thing. That stopped.
- Good.
- It just changed
One friend was like,
"Why'd you put that in the book?
My wife is appalled."
I was like, "I'm sorry, you're right.
I should have run that by you,
I should have changed your name," but
But, yeah, it was a more male vibe,
and then it just slowly changed.
"A male vibe."
Well, that was put into me--
I went home to my husband,
I started questioning it at one point,
and they were like,
"No, that's just a thing guys do,"
and I went home to my husband,
"You ever pee in a jar?"
- He was like, "What? No!"
- Yes.
And if you were to start
your own group right now,
with the people who have made names
for themselves at Saturday Night Live,
and you had to pick eight people,
who would they be?
Like an all-star band
to do a sketch show with?
Wow. Let's see.
All-star. Eight of them, I get?
- Like, living, dead, anybody?
- Yes.
Well, Maya Rudolph,
because she can do everything.
Bill Murray, for a little danger.
I don't know Bill Murray.
Sometimes I've tried to meet Bill Murray,
and I just get scared.
I feel like he looks at me,
and he can just smell
how uncool I am, and he's like
Amy Poehler.
I mean, I would have loved to have met
Gilda Radner.
I would put Gilda Radner in there.
I would love to put Jan Hooks in there.
I guess we'll get a couple more dudes.
- Will Ferrell.
- Yeah.
- Phil Hartman.
- Oh man, Phil Hartman was fantastic.
I never met Phil, but yeah.
And I only got one more
- Is this gonna piss somebody off?
- Eddie Murphy!
- Eddie Murphy, yeah.
- Eddie Murphy.
And by the way,
you can go back to Saturday Night Live
any time you want?
If you have an idea, you call,
and they say, "Sure, come on in,"
or they call you,
and you say, "Yeah, I'll be right in."
Sometimes, yeah.
I'm relieved I don't work at SNL.
I think that it's a
It's a hard time. It's like
the level of outrage is so high,
It feels like talking to anyone anywhere
in 2018 is just landmine hopscotch.
Yeah. Well, yeah.
It is tricky,
and I try-- Like you were talking about--
"Do they call me up to go over there?"
And they called me up,
and it was right after Charlottesville,
and they said, "Well, you went to UVA.
Do you wanna say something?"
And I thought
And every time I've ever done
some of those kinda update things,
I always step in manure.
I would urge people this Saturday,
instead of participating in the screaming
matches and potential violence,
find a local business you support.
Maybe a Jewish-run bakery
or an African-American-run bakery.
Order a cake with the American flag on it,
like this one,
and just eat it, Colin.
Wait, I'm sorry,
how is that supposed to help?
Love is love, Colin.
I'm sorry, what?
And then, next time,
when you see a bunch of white boys
in polo shirts,
screaming about taking our country back,
when you wanna scream,
"It's not our country, we stole it
from the Native Americans."
We stole it from the Native Americans,
and when they have a peaceful protest
at Standing Rock,
we shoot at them with rubber bullets,
but we let you chinless turds
march through the streets
with semi-automatic weapons.
I saw that, and I marveled at it
for the writing of it,
and the execution of it,
which was not easy.
It was no short piece,
but I I thought, "This is perfect."
It turns out it was not, sir.
In conclusion, I really want to say,
to encourage all good, sane Americans
to treat these rallies this weekend
like the opening of a thoughtful movie
with two female leads.
Don't show up.
Let these morons scream
into the empty air!
I love you Charlottesville,
and as Thomas Jefferson once said,
"Who's that hot light-skinned girl
over by the butter churn?"
Tina Fey, everyone!
I'm well aware that there was
some differing views
but but I just thought,
"Okay, here's something
to let the gas out of a situation
that should not have happened."
And I thought it was performed beautifully
and written beautifully.
Thank you kindly.
Here's what was wrong with it.
Very nice, thank you.
I said, "Okay, I got a day."
I'm on the plane.
I'm trying to write the thing,
me and just the girls,
my kids on the plane.
Trying to figure out what to say.
What can we do? How could we, again,
just try to provide some relief, right?
You know
And
And also, what else
can you get in there?
Can you get something about Standing Rock
in there and that debacle?
And then that night--
And I had brought people--
I had friends with me, we all--
You try your best, try to have
your eyes open, try to be so mindful,
but it's also a fast-moving train,
and so the piece, you know, I felt like--
I felt like a gymnast
who did like a very solid routine
and broke her ankle on the landing,
because it's literally
within the last, I think,
two or three sentences
of the piece that I chunked it,
and I screwed up,
and the implication was
that I was telling people to give up
and not be active and to not fight.
That was not my intention,
you know, obviously,
but you have to--
And I don't, like--
'Cause I'm not on social media,
but when you go home,
you're like, "We did the piece,"
and then you start getting texts
from friends a day later,
going, "You know what?
I don't care what anyone says,"
and then you're like, "Oh, Jesus!"
I was like,
"I'm definitely not looking,"
and then another friend was like,
"Well, J.K. Rowling
and Lady Gaga are on your side."
I'm like, "On my side of what?
- What happened?"
- Yeah.
When you say you chunked it,
what did I miss on this?
The sentence, if I had a time machine--
If I had a time machine,
I could go back--
And you don't at SNL, you don't.
I would end the piece by saying--
'Cause I sorta say, like,
"Just go out this weekend. There might
be another protest
Go buy cake and whatever."
And my feeling was like, don't
The idea, which is, like,
the Southern Poverty Law Center thing,
of like, sometimes,
if you feed these kind of trolls,
if you don't, you take the air out of it,
they disappear faster.
And I just didn't want any more people,
young people, old people, that crowd,
I didn't want more people to get hurt.
But I wish, if I could put one sentence
back digitally,
I would say to people,
"Fight them in every way
except the way that they want."
But I didn't write that at the time.
I wrote it two days later,
as I was pacing in my house.
And that's the nature of SNL,
and so, of course, in our climate,
you go, "Do I make a Twitter account
and apologize?" And I
And at a certain point, and it is painful,
and you go, "I wanted to help
and chunked it,"
but at a certain point I decided that
the culture of apology is not for me.
So what I do is I promise, I swear to God,
anyone who was mad at me,
I hear you and I will learn,
and I will continue to--
But I'm also not gonna stop trying, right?
But you just have to go--
You have to be an athlete about it,
and be like, "Yep, that's where
I broke my ankle on the landing.
Okay, next time we try again."
I'll take another look at it,
but I was watching it
- and I missed your chunking it. I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
Now, the amount of activity,
creative activity
in your life makes me dizzy.
But now,
we're about ready to launch
Mean Girls, the musical.
Yes.
I'm so excited.
Now, I have many questions about this,
because I've seen
Mean Girls, the film, twice,
- and it was
- That's a lot for a grown person.
Kind of the way things have been going.
But you did the screenplay
from the book, is that correct?
Yeah, there's a book called
Queen Bees and Wannabes,
which is a book meant to help parents
navigate their daughters through
this time of what
they call "relational aggression,"
girls being jerks to each other.
Mostly girls.
Although now it's great,
because now it's the president, too.
Can I tell you my Trump story?
- Yeah.
- It's not long.
- Time's not an issue here.
- That's right.
So he hosted SNL the first time
and so we thought for a joke,
we'll do a thing
where when they come--
the camera comes on us,
instead of saying, "Weekend Update,"
we had like columns
and I have like a pageant dress on,
and gold, and it said,
like, "Weekend Trump Date,"
and then we're like,
"Just kidding!"
So we're rehearsing this bit at 5:30,
and the now-president
came out onto the floor
and saw me in like this ridiculous
kind of pageant-lady tight dress,
with jacked up, and
He was like,
"You look very nice like that.
You should dress like that more often."
And I thought, to this day,
this is the disconnect.
Right? This is the guy who's won--
I think he goes through life--
Again, why am I talking about him?
He's imagined someone has asked him,
"What do you think about this?"
I didn't ask you, man.
[audience cheers]
So now I have questions
about the stage musical.
Is that written from the movie screenplay,
- or from the book?
- It's an adaptation of the movie,
and I wrote what is called
the book of a show, the talking parts,
and my husband, he does the music,
and Nell Benjamin wrote the lyrics.
And so, you know, we've updated it,
so it is set in the present.
but it is still basically the core
of the same characters and story.
And I also know
that the original movie did not really--
Well, I won't say "did not,"
but had a great appeal for parents
as well as the kids in the film.
The same would be true I guess for both,
especially the kids who watch the film
and are now old enough to go see--
- They're adults.
- They're adults.
And some of them
are probably parents. Yeah.
We definitely, going into Broadway,
were thinking about, okay,
we have what they've been calling
a bifurcated audience, right?
We're trying to figure out
how to make the show
so that people who like the movie
and want that experience are satisfied,
but also that if you bring your dad
or whoever and he's never seen the movie,
that he also enjoys the story
and has a good time,
and I feel like it's going well.
We had a lot of--
When we were in DC,
we had a lot of dads going,
"I really enjoyed that."
I said we should cut together
a commercial of dads coming out like,
"That was all right by me."
I like the impression of the dads.
That's very good.
Is this going to be one of those
Andrew Lloyd Webber deals
where it's it's going to be
for the next 40 years around the world?
I hope so,
'cause I already spent the money.
I hope we made it-- Purposely,
we made it that it was clean enough.
I said, "The movie's PG-13,
I want the show to be about that
because I want you
to be able to bring your kids to it."
I also eventually want schools
to be able to do it if they wanna do it.
- Oh, yeah.
- 'Cause that's where the money is. No.
I don't know.
Gosh, I can't tell you
how lovely it is to see you.
It is a dream come true
to have met you ever at all,
- let alone talk to you.
- No, no, no.
That's nonsense.
That's true.
- Stamatina.
- Stamatina.
Elizabeth Stamatina Fey,
ladies and gentlemen.
You're damn right I got the blues  ♪
I got the blues  ♪
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
How many of you
are supposed to be at work today?
It's fun to be drunk
in the middle of the day, isn't it?
To be here at this place and to listen
to his music is a real thrill for me,
and if I live to be 100,
if you live to be 100,
and you know this is true,
you're not gonna hear music
better than this.
- God bless you, my friend.
- God bless you too, brother.
I've been around a while  ♪
I know wrong from right ♪
Learned a long time ago  ♪
Things ain't always black and white  ♪
Just like you can't  ♪
Judge a book by the cover  ♪
We all gotta be careful  ♪
How we treat one another  ♪
Skin deep  ♪
Skin deep  ♪
Underneath  ♪
Don't we all, yes ♪
We look the same  ♪
Skin deep  ♪
Skin deep  ♪
Skin deep  ♪
Skin deep  ♪
Underneath  ♪
We all look the same  ♪
Yeah.
Thank you!
[jazzy theme music plays]