My Wife and Kids (2001) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

Good morning, Kady.
How's Daddy's little applehead? Fine.
Thank you.
For what? Oh, there's no more of that? Could you make me a cup? No.
I am not your maid.
I am her nanny.
I don't want this anymore.
It's okay, baby.
Just throw it on the floor.
The nanny will get it.
I speak other languages.
Morning, everybody.
Hey, baby.
Drink your juice, okay? - Okay, Mommy.
- That's my girl.
My God, look at the time.
I'm late again.
You're doing too much.
You need to slow down.
I can't.
I have a breakfast meeting with a potential client.
This guy does a lot of online trading and I think I'm gonna get him.
Hey, wait a minute.
Let's have breakfast together as a family.
Remember how we used to turn the music on everybody be dancing and laughing and fighting? I miss that.
So do l, but I only have time for a cup of coffee.
Oh, I'll get it for you.
Thank you, Rosa.
Hey, Jay, I got an idea.
Why don't we take the day off and have breakfast together in bed? I'll cook.
What do I have to do to get you to take my job more seriously, Michael? Uh, quit it? Get away.
Come on, Jay.
This was supposed to be a little part-time job.
Yeah, well, it is, but I gotta work late.
Oh, and, Michael, I need you to be my sweetie and cook dinner tonight.
But I was your sweetie last night and the night before, I was the big chocolate Gummi Bear.
Please Okay, I'll nuke some chicken.
Thank you.
But you know what? I really miss watching you cook, Jay.
The way you you used to do that thing with the mixing bowl.
What thing? The thing you do.
Yeah, okay.
Here you go, Jay.
Thank you, Rosa.
I'm happy to do it for you.
Let's go outside and play.
Bye-bye, honey.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, baby.
Kick the horsy.
Kick it.
That woman hates me.
Michael.
Yo, ma.
Yo, Junior.
Whassup? - I was wondering if-- - No.
You didn't let me finish.
I'm sorry, son.
What is it? What do you need? What, what, what? Can I have $35 to go to a rap concert Saturday night? - No.
- Oh, come on, Mom.
Hey, you wanna appeal my decision? Take it to the higher court.
Bye, Junior.
Yo, Dad.
What's up? Mornin', son.
Mom said to give me $35 so I can go to a rap concert.
Is that what she said, or are you paraphrasing? Come on, Dad.
You own an entire fleet of delivery trucks.
We got money.
No.
I got money.
You're broke.
All right, what's the name of this rapper you gotta see so bad? MC Murder Death, but it's not what you think.
What did I think? You know, that he's negative and preaches about violence and stuff.
Oh, no, that didn't cross my mind.
When I hear a name like MC Murder Death I think, "Here's a positive young role model "giving back to the community.
" What's the name of his big hit? "Bullet to the Brain.
" But it's not what you think.
Look, son, I like rap music, too.
Problem is, you don't get any show for $35.
These guys come out in hooded sweatshirts talking about, "Y'all know the words.
Sing along.
" But that's what they're supposed to do.
No.
A concert is supposed to be a show.
See, I grew up on Michael Jackson.
Now, Michael, he put on a show.
Man, he'd be up there dancing and kicking and moonwalking, sweating.
He'd lose weight.
You'd see him lose weight on stage.
That's not plastic surgery.
He sweated that nose off.
And they had special effects.
Man, there'd be explosion--boom.
MichaeI'd disappear and then you'd hear another explosion--boom.
And you hear, "Hee hee hee.
" And he'd reappear on the other side of the stage with Tito and the monkey.
Ma, help me.
Hey, boy, you know I don't like that gangsta stuff.
It's disrespectful to women.
That's right.
- I tell you what you can do, son.
- What? You can clean up your room, you can pull up those pants and decide on which one of them hats you gonna wear.
Watch where you're goin', mosquito breath.
Shut up, dork.
Oh, you smell like feet.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Y'all keep it up, I make you kiss on the mouth.
Good morning, Claire.
How's Daddy's little Hey, what's wrong with you? Why I don't get a good morning kiss? Leave me alone.
Leave you alone? You know I can't start my day without my kiss.
Come here.
Gimme my kiss.
Come here.
No.
You got spit on me.
Baby, what's wrong? What? She just needs a little space.
Isn't that right, sweetheart? Leave me alone.
Better go talk to that little hussy.
Hey.
Claire, what's wrong with you? Now, you used to love it when I gave you a good morning kiss.
That's before you took down my D'Angelo poster.
- The man was naked.
- And? - And he didn't have clothes on.
- Oh, okay.
Did you see that poster? Mm-hmm.
I mean, uh-huh.
See, ever since you started working she's become a whole different person.
Oh, come on, Michael.
She's twelve.
She'd be going through these changes whether I was here or not.
Yeah, but at least she'd have somebody to bounce the estrogen off of.
I don't understand it.
You know what the other day, she asked me about Monistat 7.
I thought it was like a singing group, like Take 6.
Jay, I need you here.
I need a wife, not a roommate.
Oh.
Well, maybe you better tell me how you define the word "wife.
" What does that mean to you, barefoot, pregnant? No.
You can wear shoes.
In fact, the right pumps will help you get pregnant.
I don't have time for this.
I have to run.
Bye, Michael.
- No.
I wanna talk about this-- - We'll talk about it later.
Right now.
Soon as you come back home, we talkin' about this.
Hello, everybody except Rosa.
Finally you're home.
Yeah, I understand what you're sayin'.
Yeah.
Boy, I don't think she likes me.
Si, Daddy.
That's cute.
She's teaching you Spanish? So where's your sister? And where's your brother? Okay, la cucaracha.
Let's switch back to English.
Si, Daddy.
No.
Yes, Daddy.
Yes, Daddy.
All right.
I'll be right back.
I'm going upstairs.
You try to take my bucks, I line 'em up like ducks Pull out my gat, and I start to buck 'Cause I'm MC Murder Death, and I don't give a-- Cluck.
What did I tell you about listening to all that cussin'? Dad, all the music has cursing.
No.
Marvin Gaye didn't curse except maybe when his father shot him.
Dad, that's old-people music.
I'm tryin' to keep it re'l.
Oh, you tryin' to keep it re'l? Let me tell you something, son.
We live out in the suburbs.
There's no hood out here.
You're from the mean streets of Stamford, Connecticut.
Where's your homework? It's finished.
Can I get a look-see? Hey, what's this? Is this me? Sort of.
It looks like me.
Got the same little ears and the funny eyes.
I didn't know the top of my head was so pointy.
And when did I start growing horns, son? Dad, it's a caricature.
Well, you know what? This is actually pretty good.
You're not mad? No.
This shows real talent.
You know, you might even wanna reconsider your dream.
You mean from working at Foot Locker? Yeah, that one.
But, Dad, those guys get fifteen percent off.
I know, but if you own the store, you get 100 percent off.
- Fer re'l? - Fer re'l.
I never thought of that.
I know.
Yeah, thanks, Dad.
- Check it out.
- What? My moustache is coming in.
Get outta here.
Well, look at this.
You know, in a couple of years that might start looking like some real hair.
Dad, I got real hair growing all over.
- Look at this.
- Uh-uh.
No.
I can't take this anymore.
Claire's locked herself in the bathroom Kady is living la vida loca and Junior wants to show me his man bush.
Yes, I got the client, honey and I'm so happy about it.
Thank you.
You're not listening to me.
I heard every word you said but I just finished an eleven-hour day, Michael.
And when I come home I would like for the man I love to say hello to me.
Hello.
Thank you.
That's better.
Look, I don't mean to say this is your fault, Jay but this is your fault.
I'm serious.
This is not my vision of what a marriage is supposed to be like.
Vision? And what vision is that? Well, like my mother and father.
Your mother and father hate each other.
Yeah, but they're still together, and you know why? Because they have a system that works.
See, we don't have a system that works anymore.
It broke down somewhere.
Now it's every man or wo-man for himself.
Okay, since we're sharing visions here, I had one, too and in my vision, I had a husband Denzel who was supportive of my dreams.
I am supportive.
I'm the one that paid for the four years of schooling, remember? Why, so I could be the most highly educated housewife in the world? Yes.
I don't understand calculus.
The kids need a mother home to help them with homework.
Okay, and what do you do in this scenario of yours? I bring home the bacon.
Well, honey, I have an opportunity to bring home some steak.
Baby, today Mr.
Anderson offered me a job as a full-time broker.
Get outta here.
Yeah! What did you tell him? Well, I told him that I had to talk it over with my reasonable and supportive husband.
Good.
So you tell him that we talked it over Uh-huh.
- and Mr.
Reasonable - Uh-huh.
and Mr.
Supportive said no.
Uh-uh.
Michael, we have to talk about this.
I don't want to.
We'll talk about it later.
Michael, I want to talk about this right now! Soon as you come back downstairs.
I'm not gonna take no for an answer, Michael.
Oh, I swear to God, Jay I don't why this job's so important to you.
When you left your job at UPS because you wanted your own company, I supported that.
Now I'm just asking you to support me.
I know what you're trying to do.
I know exactly--You're trying to trick me with common sense.
Well, that's not gonna work.
You know what? We can't talk to each other.
We need a counselor.
I'm calling Dr.
Boucher.
No, I don't want to go to Boucher.
This whole therapy thing is a scam.
It's an excuse to let women do the two things they love most-- talk and spend money.
Oh, okay.
Are you saying you don't wanna work on this marriage? - Is that what you're telling me? - No.
Listen.
I hurt you.
I'm sorry.
But that was five years ago.
Eventually, they stopped beatin' Rodney King.
- Mom? - She just left.
Okay.
Hold on.
What do you have on underneath that jacket? Nothing.
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
Open it up.
Let me see.
Oh, no, you are not leaving my house dressed like that, young lady.
It's just a tube top, Dad.
No, it's just an invitation for little boys to see your ninnies.
Well, Mom said I could wear it.
Well, we'll ask her about that when you come home from school in your turtleneck.
Put on some flatter shoes and some longer pants and a veil.
She's always late.
Just like a woman, too, huh? Hey, what do you keep writing down? Oh, it's nothing.
Hi.
I hope you haven't started without me.
Oh, Janet, that would be like asking the day to start without the sunrise.
Awquit it, Dr.
Boucher.
Yeah, quit it, Dr.
Boucher.
Okay, so, how's the happy couple? Oh, not too happy about being here.
Michael has issues about me working, and-- No, Michael has issues about you working full-time.
Honey, could you please let me finish? Oh, I'm honey now.
You know, I was jackass last night when I had to sleep on the couch.
Hold on, you guys.
You're not using your tools.
Remember? Whenever you reach this part of the argument you need to cut, rewind, go back to the top of the scene and start all over again.
Jackass.
Janet, you begin.
Okay.
Well, Michael asked me to quit my job-- What? Oh, no, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
Girl, how does that make you feel? - Well, you know, angry.
- How angry? Very angry.
Angry enough to just hit him? Look, Oprah You see? You see what I have to put up with? Everything's a joke to him.
He has a hard time saying what he really feels.
Hey, why you never write anything down when she talks? Now, Janet, why don't you ask Michael how he feels? Michael, how do you feel? I feel like bustin' his big ass.
Go away.
What's the matter, you have a headache? What happened to your eyebrows? I got a little carried away with the tweezers.
I see.
How do I look? Surprised? I look ridiculous, Dad.
I'm never gonna leave this house again.
Claire, baby, why did you do this to yourself? Well, there's this cute boy at school named J.
B and I wanted him to notice me.
Well, he's certainly gonna notice you now.
See, I wanted my eyebrows to look really skinny Iike Jennifer Lopez, but now I look like a thumb.
Well, look on the bright side-- it'll be easy for you to hitch a ride.
All you have to do is like this It's not funny, Dad.
Want me to help you draw 'em back on? - Would you, please? - Sure.
Have a seat.
Claire, I gotta be honest.
I don't really understand what's going on with you right now.
To tell you the truth, Dad, neither do l.
All I know is there's this boy I like and he's now kissing my best friend.
Baby, for the rest of your life there are gonna be boys on this planet.
And a lot of them are gonna wanna kiss you.
Unfortunately, I won't be able to kill 'em all.
Some of them might actually sneak under the radar.
That's not a happy thought.
Do you really think boys are gonna wanna kiss me? Not with those eyebrows.
Baby, look at you.
What are you doing to yourself? You're changing who you are.
You're shaving your eyebrows, you're wearing tube tops.
But boys like when girls wear tube tops.
Forget what boys like.
What do you like? Don't live your life for anybody else.
Listen, boys lie.
They'll tell you anything in the world to get you to do what it is they want.
They'll even tell you that they love you.
But they don't love you.
I'm the one that loves you.
I love you, too, Daddy.
I know, baby.
- Hey.
- Hmm? Got your eyebrow on my shirt.
Smells good.
What you cookin'? Curried catfish.
Mm, my favorite.
I know.
It's almost finished.
Just let me put this stuff away.
Uh-oh.
You had to go to the love chest.
I must be in big trouble.
Yeah.
First time in five years.
You wanna see the thing that saved you? Look.
That's us bringing Junior home from the hospital.
Yeah.
Look at all that hair on my head.
Yeah, that was your Dr.
J look.
Oh, and, baby, remember this? Look.
Remember? What is it? It's the stem from the chocolate-covered strawberry you hid my engagement ring in.
You know what? If I close my eyes right now I can actually feel the same way I felt that night.
I'd like to feel that way again, Michael.
Janet, listen.
I been doing some thinking.
You're right about the reason why I quit my job at UPS.
I did want my independence.
Yeah, well, I want my independence, too.
No, I wanted independence from a job.
You want independence from me.
No, I don't.
See, that is your ego talking, Michael.
You think everything is about you.
Okay, hey.
Look.
Let's cut and rewind and go back to the top of this scene, okay? Look, Jay, I been thinking.
I wanna apologize to you.
I been selfish.
I really do wanna see you fly.
I wanna see your vision of you, but the truth is, I'm afraid.
Of what, honey? Of time.
It's all going by so fast.
I mean, look at Junior.
He's almost a grown man now.
Soon we're gonna wake up and be old and I'll look like Frederick Douglass and you'll look like Jane Pittman.
And we'll ask ourself, "Where did it all go?" No.
I'm gonna ask myself "How in the hell did I end up looking like Jane Pittman?" Jay, I also think that you should take that job.
I want you to take that job.
But there's a part of me that's always gonna be thrilled for you and then there's another part of me that's gonna hate it.
Well, we'll just let that part of you sleep on the couch.
Oh, how do you think y'all got here? Yeah, sit down.
Mashed potatoes and peas? Gross.
What's gross is having to eat mashed potatoes and peas and lookin' at your eyebrows.
Shut up, stupid.
This is nice.
What's wrong with you? You used to love it when I gave you a good morning kiss.
That's before you took down my D'Angelo poster.
What do I have to do to-- What is my line? What do I have to do to make you take my job--