Nathan For You (2013) s04e02 Episode Script

Chili Shop ; Massage Parlor

Synced My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.
Now I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.
This is "Nathan for You.
" If you're a fan of delicious chili, there's a small chance you've heard of the Lie-N-Den Bar & Grill in Bakersfield, California, where owner Robert Bryan has been serving up his famous family chili recipe for decades.
Just about done.
Robert's longtime dream has been to sell his chili to the hordes of hungry hockey fans who attend Bakersfield Condors home games at the nearby Rabobank Arena, but so far, he hasn't had much luck.
I did call Rabobank Arena.
I asked them, "How would I get on your vendor list?" "Oh, we have our own vendors.
We don't have a list.
" So.
I tasted his chili just to make sure it was as good as he said, and it was.
Mmm.
The flavors and spices felt awesome against my tongue, and I was stunned that Rabobank Arena turned him away, but fortunately, I had a plan to get him in the door.
I have a pretty good handle on the law, from, you know, just experiences I've had.
- Okay.
- And here's the thing.
If they never know that you're selling chili, then what's the consequence? Well, I don't know how I would sell it without them without their knowledge.
Although it violates the stadium's policy, there's no law against sneaking chili into a hockey game for the purposes of selling it, so if we could make a custom-design body suit that could be filled with a massive payload of chili, Robert would finally be able to sell his signature dish at Rabobank Arena without stadium management ever catching on.
That's interesting.
I'm just curious as to how what it would look like.
You know, I put a lot of thought into this idea, and every time I run it through in my head, it works perfectly.
Okay.
Robert was on board, so later that week, I hired a professional tailor to help design the chili suit based on a detailed sketch I had drawn.
The easiest way is probably to put the chili in I guess from the neck part, right? Sure.
Our plan was to have the chili reservoirs mimic the distribution of fat on a larger man's body so it wouldn't look suspicious under clothing, and with the help of a guy from Craigslist, our tailor was able to take all the measurements he needed.
- The chili is gonna go here.
- Mm-hmm.
And we can get more in here too.
You could probably do, like, a cup there, right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Cup or so? - Yeah, a cup, yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
All right, so we'll see you around, then.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
And a few days later, we received a completed prototype of a heat-resistant polyvinyl fluoride suit designed to hold over 100 servings of fresh chili.
The individual reservoirs would be linked by a network of tubes that would all lead to a battery-powered peristaltic pump for dispensing the chili.
Using our intake funnel, we loaded in over 30 pounds of Robert's product that had been blended into a thin paste to ensure an even flow without compromising the flavor.
So with that, I activated the pump, and it was time to see if this could work.
[MOTOR WHIRRING] As I had hoped, the pump dispensed the chili at a steady pace, which was good, but I realized we had overlooked a crucial detail.
The chili suit prevented bathroom access, and because of its weight, removing it during a game would not be an option.
So I experimented with a design that would allow me to deposit my excretions directly into custom rubber underwear connected to a secondary pumping system so I could eject it into a toilet via a second tube down my right arm.
But once I had some clothing on, I realized the potential for a costly mix-up was too great.
So I had the bottom part of the suit redesigned with strategic holes in the groin and buttocks region that would allow the wearer to relieve him or herself without taking off the suit.
But there was still the issue of the temperature.
To meet health department standards, Robert said the chili would have to remain above 135 degrees Fahrenheit at all times.
But when I put it on, the heat was so intense that I could barely have it against my skin for more than a few seconds.
So I tracked down some heat-resistant polymer gel that could insulate the body against the most extreme temperatures.
Feel anything? - No.
- Good.
I did a preliminary test with a blowtorch on various parts of my body to ensure the gel would protect even my most sensitive regions.
[GROANING] And after getting gelled up from head to toe, the burning sensation had completely vanished.
Yeah.
It seemed like we had solved every problem, but there was still one final thing I had to take care of.
The pump on my chest that made the chili suit function was made out of metal, and to get into Rabobank Arena, every ticket holder has to pass through a metal detector.
So I figured if I could convince security that I had a medically necessary pacemaker, they wouldn't be suspicious when the alarm went off.
So I taped a real pacemaker to my chest and then headed to a walk-in clinic to request an X-ray that would hopefully trick the physician into writing me a doctor's note.
I would need to actually examine you and see why is it that you need the X-ray.
I have to have a reason why.
Well, I'm paying you for it, so what do you care? - I'm actually - legally, it's being monitored to see why we're ordering an X-ray.
Oh.
Well, what's the minimum I need to say to get one? Either some area hurts of your chest or - Sure.
- You're having a cough.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Are you - what are you experiencing? Yeah, both those.
Yeah.
Mm-kay.
Just step as close as you can, and you're gonna take this shirt off, okay? Your undershirt will be fine, but I gotta get rid of the buttons, okay? Okay.
Okay, sure.
Take a big breath.
Hold it.
And once the doctor saw the pacemaker on my X-ray It looks like it's in well position and no abnormalities.
She wrote me a doctor's note that would hopefully get me through security.
Thank you so much, Doctor.
And that meant it was finally time to buy a ticket to the next Bakersfield Condors home game.
So an hour before puck drop, I headed to the Lie-N-Den to fill up the suit with a fresh batch of chili.
I then put on some extra large clothing that made me look like a typical hockey fan but was also secretly designed so I could carry everything I would need for our customers.
Along with a special pocket built to hold cups and spoons, I also had a cane with a secret trigger that could dispense organic sour cream on demand, a trucker hat with a built-in cheese grater to deliver fresh cheddar cheese, and lastly, a cargo pocket full of chives.
Got a little bit of an aftertaste, but I don't know if it's the chives or the sour cream.
It's close.
With everything set and just minutes until game time, I arrived at Rabobank Arena and nervously approached the security checkpoint.
Hi.
I have a medical condition.
This is my pacemaker ID card.
So I have a pacemaker, so it might beep when you do it over my chest area.
Okay.
[WAND BEEPING] Yeah, so that's my pacemaker.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you so much.
Getting inside was a huge victory, but for my plan to work, I would need to be able to sell chili for an entire game without getting caught, so I decided to start in the upper levels where security was thinner.
Hi, there, would you like any fresh chili? Two dollar chili? I faced some rejection at first, but it wasn't long until I had my first sale.
It's chili.
- Do you want one? - As my confidence grew, I ventured down to the lower level, where I got a second sale from a guy in section 109.
I used my big body to block the view of security as I covertly squirted out his serving.
Here you go.
Two dollars, please.
And after that, I began to feel invincible.
Hi, there.
I moved through the stadium like a ninja, switching sections after each sale so I couldn't be tracked.
At one point, I thought security was on my tail, but I was able to lose the guy by ducking into a handicapped bathroom, after which I reemerged and resumed my operation.
I can serve it to you right now.
I have it right under my clothes.
I sold 16 bowls of delicious chili that night, right under the noses of stadium management, and that meant, from this day forward, Robert had a proven method to sell his chili at Rabobank Arena.
This is $32.
And the ticket was only 12.
So that's $20 profit in one game.
Okay.
So I'll just leave all this here for you, then? Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye, now.
Nothing feels better than a massage.
Nothing.
Which is why Anna Davis of Swan Day Spa in Los Angeles, California, has made it her livelihood.
But with plenty of competition in the area, Anna has been forced to lower her prices so much, she's barely making a profit.
Now we have a lot of competition, so the client, when they got in, they were looking for the cheaper price.
We have a deep tissue one, which is, you pay more, $15.
I think I'll try the $40 one for right now.
Okay.
Okay, that's fine.
With customers going for the cheapest price and ignoring her more profitable premium massages, it was clearly a problem.
So I paid Anna a visit with a unique way for her to upsell her customers.
You see, the key to upselling is advertising a low price to bring people in but then ensuring that once they see the product, they'll definitely want to upgrade.
So if customers arrived at Swan Day Spa and discovered that the $40 special was done exclusively by someone with a contagious disease, like viral warts, customers would be a lot more likely to upgrade to one of Anna's premium options.
THE PLAN: upsell customers by making the $40 special a wart massage.
I think I think you're right.
Nobody want to get the wart massage.
For sure.
Anna was intrigued, but she was a bit worried about what her customers might think.
They might be upset.
They might be sue me.
Sue the business.
But I assured her that no one would complain as long as they believed it was for a good cause.
Have you ever done any charity work before? - Oh, never.
- So with Anna's blessing, I created a real charity whose mission was to place people living with warts into the workplace.
I then distributed our flyers at dermatology clinics across the city and posted an ad on Craigslist seeking people with active viral warts who were looking for work, and later that week, I met with the two men who responded.
I think I've had every kind of wart invented.
[LAUGHS] I don't know.
Oh, whoa.
But probably the worst case of warts that I had was on my penis.
Okay.
And it was, like, a circle around my I mean, it was Made it so that sex was not an option.
- Right.
- Right? - Yeah, 'cause - Yeah.
I just took a soldering iron.
Burned it off myself.
- Whoa.
- Like, why go to a doctor and have him do it? I know what he's doing.
Just burned it off.
- You drop something? - I did, yeah.
A little device here.
- A device? - Yes.
- What is that? - This is a wellness wand.
- What's that mean? - Well, it's Right now, the way that the unit works if I have it sitting right if I set it right here, it's putting out a signal that's coming out to the edge of the table, maybe a little beyond.
- Uh-huh.
- All right? And the signal is matching with whatever the needs are that you select from the files.
- Are you a healer or something? - Yes.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- What Uh, what How, um Okay.
After carefully vetting the candidates to be sure they had at least one wart, I officially signed them on to the CityWarts roster.
But before they could be placed at Swan Day Spa, there was still one thing our charity needed: an endorsement.
It seemed like every credible charity had the endorsement of a public figure, like a mayor or a city council member, and I was worried that if CityWarts didn't have one, the public would never accept the idea of a wart-infected masseur.
So I rented out the ballroom of the historic Oxford Palace Hotel and then reached out to every local politician I could find, inviting them to be the guest of honor at a gala event for the launch of a new charity.
And after a few days, we finally got an RSVP from Councilman Ed Reyes, a 12-year veteran of LA's city council.
So on the day of the event, I decorated the ballroom with the finest and fanciest things in the hopes that this gala would be enough to dazzle Councilman Reyes into legitimizing CityWarts with his official endorsement.
- Hi, Nathan.
- Hey.
Oh, my gosh.
You look nice.
- Thank you.
- How are you? - Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too.
Okay, so.
What do you think? - I like it.
- It's pretty.
Once Anna took her seat, we opened our doors to the crowd of random people I had paid to attend the event so that Councilman Reyes would be impressed by the charity's popularity when he arrived.
Since every real charity gala is hosted by a beauty queen, I hired Miss California 2013, Mabelynn Capeluj, to be the evening's host.
It's here in Los Angeles, and they help people in Los Angeles with warts get jobs? - Yes.
- That's their mission, okay.
Do you get nervous before these things at all? - Um, sometimes, sometimes.
- Yeah? But I feel like this will be easy.
Hopefully I don't jinx myself.
- You're so beautiful - Thank you.
You could probably go out there and just go, "Blah, blah, blah," and no one would know the difference.
- Thank you.
Hopefully.
- Yeah.
No problem.
As the crowd settled in, Councilman Reyes entered the room with all the confidence I would have expected from an elected official.
I only hoped that this gala event would be enough to win his coveted endorsement.
[APPLAUSE] So, growing up, I actually had a friend who he had warts on his hand, and I believe his mom or he said it was from handling a frog.
He was able to seek medical attention, and they were able to freeze and remove the wart, and he's just fine now, and that's why I'm so proud to introduce to you CityWarts and their mission to put warts to work.
And right now, I'd like to bring out some CityWarts Angels to talk about their own experiences with warts.
[APPLAUSE] [CLASSICAL MUSIC] My name is Daniel, and I have warts.
My hope is that some personal stories from our CityWarts Angels would help garner sympathy from Councilman Reyes.
I had a wart right here.
Nine warts made, like, a number six on my hand.
A ring of genital warts around my penis.
Remember, wart pride.
Thanks, CityWarts.
Thank you very much.
[APPLAUSE] I appreciate everything that CityWarts is doing for our community, and because of CityWarts, I had a opportunity for a job placement with massage.
You guys have a great night, and thank you.
The speeches were a hit, and after concluding the night by recognizing the Swan Day Spa as CityWarts' newest partner, it was time to approach Councilman Reyes for his endorsement.
Councilman, hi.
Would I be able to get a photo with you and Anna over here? This is Anna.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
- Hi, Anna.
Okay, come on over here.
With a photo of Anna standing next to a respected city councilman, it was now impossible to deny that he was a supporter of our cause.
Thank you for that endorsement.
Thank you so much.
So with proof of our credibility now proudly displayed behind the desk at Swan Day Spa, it was finally time for our wart angels to meet their new boss.
It is such a honor to be in a location where you're creating a wart-positive environment.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much.
[CHUCKLES] But before moving forward, Anna wanted to be sure they had the right skills for the job.
Have you ever trained to massage before? Are you a licensed massage therapist? I'm not a licensed massage therapist, but I stay in practice with my girlfriend, because she gets foot reflexology every single night, and then I just work my way up from the ankles.
Apply.
Release.
Apply.
Release.
Dig a little bit.
- Okay.
- Every night.
She's a lucky lady.
Oh, that's nice.
How about you, Albert? Well, I've had experience.
I used to give massages to my grandmother.
- Okay.
- Just a little bit at a time.
Like, and I the main focus was for her to feel good and not for me to be because a massage is not supposed to be it's supposed to be - You know.
- Yeah.
Just making the person relax and Okay, so you approve them? They meet your standards? For right now, I mean, we have to learn more.
For now, yeah, we have to see.
Anna was satisfied with their qualifications, so the Angels took their stations while Anna and I waited for customers up front.
Yes, I'd like to have the massage.
Yeah, it's how you like it? We have so many kinds.
I want to get that one that was the special for $40.
- Okay.
- As usual, the customer chose the cheapest option available, so once she was ready and waiting on the table, it was time to see if the new upsell would work.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
Hi, so I'm not sure if you're aware, but the $40 massage special that you selected is done in conjunction with a charity outreach program - called CityWarts - Uh-huh.
That puts people living with warts into the workplace.
Okay.
Is that something you're comfortable with? Yeah, that's okay 'cause it's not a contagious thing.
Oh, actually, warts are contagious.
- Oh, they are? - Yes.
- Oh.
They're contagious? - Yes.
Does he wear gloves or what? He will be wearing thin gloves.
After telling the client about our full range of massages, she could now see the benefits of the premium options.
So how much are the other massages? It's just $15 more.
All right, I'll take one of the others.
My plan worked perfectly.
All right, so this is your therapist, Mamie.
She does not have any warts.
- All right, thanks.
- At all.
Okay, great, enjoy your massage.
- Thank you.
- And Anna was thrilled.
- She upgraded.
- Oh! And as the day went on, more and more customers opted to upgrade to the premium options.
I guess I just want the one with the non-wart worker.
Yeah.
Anna was upselling her clients at an unprecedented rate, and any time a customer was skeptical, we had all the credibility we needed.
This is me and a city councilor.
I mean, I don't know how much more legit you can get than an LA city councilman endorsing the charity, but - Yeah, it seemingly - it seems safe if the city's working with it.
I did feel a little bad that no one wanted anything to do with our wart angels that day, but it was nice to know that at least they had each other.
I love baking cakes.
Pies.
Is it the baking that you like, or is it the look in the person's eyes that you baked it for? Both.
Absolutely.
Type of pacemaker you have? Um I think it's a Sony? Synced