Neo Yokio (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

Hamptons Water Magic

1 [classical music] [sighs] God, it's been a turbulent few weeks.
[Charles] Turbulence can make us appreciate the stable times, sir.
But all this business with Helena is so confusing.
Her withdrawal from society fills me with unease.
What does she see in Neo Yokio that I can't? Take a deep breath, sir.
Just as this calm pool of water sits at the center of a chaotic metropolis, you, too, have an inner reservoir of peace and tranquility.
I like this kind of talk, Charles.
More vibes, please.
Remember, sir, it is the ephemeral nature of things that makes them wonderful.
If our life did not fade and vanish like the dews of Adashino's graves - or the - [Cathy] Kaz? - Is that you? - [Kaz] Cathy? What are you doing in Neo Yokio? I'm here on business, the Neo-Deutsch merger.
- Oh, that sounds like a lovely merger.
- It is.
So, how long you in town? Through next week.
Gonna stay for the Grand Prix.
But you always hated the Grand Prix, all the noise and idiots swarming the city.
Well, the thing is, Kaz, my new boyfriend is racing in it.
[gasps] I was not aware you had a new boyfriend.
- I wanted to tell you about him sooner - I'm sorry, Cathy, but I need to leave.
I'm due at the cemetery.
Please don't be so dramatic, Kaz.
Don't flatter yourself.
I have no wish to die.
- It's my uncle's funeral.
- Uncle Albert? Yes, Cathy, he's dead.
[man chanting] [woman sobbing] A shipwreck off Montauk.
What a ridiculous way to go.
- At least he died doing what he loved.
- Drowning? No, sailing! They couldn't even find the body.
[chuckling] He's probably being dragged around the Atlantic in a tuna net, like a dolphin.
Poor Uncle Albert.
[continues chanting] The family trust is selling the Hamptons house.
Where's Cousin Jeffrey gonna live? Oh, Cousin Jeffrey didn't show up to his own father's funeral.
We have no obligation to that ingrate.
That side of the family is so dysfunctional.
A blemish on our family name, which is why I need someone I can trust to go check on the house.
Please not me.
I ran into Cathy this morning, I'm in no state for an assignment.
Just go to the house, make sure it's ready to show.
Enjoy the ocean breeze.
You act like I'm sending you to the gallows or something.
Well, I guess I haven't had a lobster roll in a while.
Perfect.
And you'll have first dibs on Uncle Albert's loafer collection.
[chanting and sobbing continues] Which swim trunks, sir? Hmm, the watermelon stripes.
- Are you absolutely certain, sir? - Yes, Charles.
Do you have a problem with those swim trunks? Of course not, sir.
They are subtle and dignified.
I just thought you might prefer the black Alexander Wang trunks since you are in mourning for your uncle.
- Fine.
Pack them both.
- Very good, sir.
A run-in with my ex-girlfriend and my uncle's funeral the same day? Good Lord, I need a drink.
Shall I prepare you a cocktail, sir? We should go to Lexy and Gottlieb's new bar.
You know I'm a partial investor.
I'm sure it will pay dividends, sir.
Let's swing by on the way to the Hamptons.
Very good.
However, I'll need another hour to be fully charged for the voyage.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Let's roll.
I'll wait out here, sir.
Hey, Kaz.
What's cracking, B? Scoot, Grandpa.
We got a partial investor in the building.
Damn, this place is small.
- Yeah, but at least it's ours.
- How's business? A little tough, 'cause we like to hang out all the time.
We can't both fit behind the bar, so that only leaves one chair for patrons.
Hmm.
So, when I'm here, there are no chairs for patrons? Eh, who cares? You want a martini? Please.
I really need to take the edge off.
- You messed up 'cause of that funeral? - The funeral was sad, but something far sadder happened this morning.
I ran into Cathy.
- Yikes.
- What did she say? She has a new boyfriend.
- Dawg.
- Damn, B, that's the worst.
- I should get going, guys.
- You just got here, son.
Agatha wants me to check on my uncle's house in Amagansett.
Wait.
There's an unoccupied house in the Hamptons right now? - Yeah.
It's a pretty sick house, actually.
- Uh, were you planning on inviting us? - I thought you needed to run the bar.
- Who cares? What's the point of owning a business if you can't take a vacation? We gotta be with our boy in his time of grief.
Word.
Charles, good news.
Lexy and Gottlieb are gonna come with us to the Hamptons.
I'm pleased for you, sir.
The Jitney leaves every hour from East 86th Street.
Come on, Charles.
Don't make us take the bus.
The Jitney is no mere bus.
It's luxurious.
It's an artisanal school bus.
I can't be seen on that shit.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, I'm not fully charged, and the additional weight will take a toll on my battery.
You'll charge when we get there.
Hmm.
Very good, sir.
Charles, put some pep in your step.
[Charles sighs] [Lexy] Yo, hold up.
This is your uncle's sick house? Yo, this place needs a paint job.
[Kaz] Don't judge a book by its cover, Lexy.
I have wonderful memories of my summers here when I was a kid.
[gasps] Good God.
This looks like Miss Havisham's house, dawg.
[flies buzzing] Ugh.
Ugh.
That's nasty.
[sighs] Why don't you guys go check out the pool? Charles, start gathering garbage.
May I have a quick charge first, sir? That trip was quite taxing.
Of course.
I think there's a charging station in the shed.
[melancholy pop music playing] [Kaz] Uncle Albert, what happened? [sighs] Oh, dear.
[Lexy] Oh, snap! Yo, they got the infinity pool! It's the closest our mortal minds will come to comprehending the infinite.
[Lexy] Cannonball! Yeah! [both gasp] [raccoon trilling] [gasps] Ew! Get out of here! [trilling] Get out of my dead uncle's house! Ah! Get off of me! [Kaz yells] [engine revving] Hello, Cousin Jeffrey.
What up, city bitch? Haven't seen you in a long time.
You could've seen me sooner if you'd come to your dad's funeral.
Fuck that and fuck my dad.
I hate the city.
Neo Yokio sucks balls! Provincial as ever, I see.
Fancy words won't hurt me, schmuck.
You're in my house now.
Technically, it's not your house.
It's the family trust's house, and soon it'll go to the highest bidder.
Oh, that is bullshit! I've been waiting to get the house for years.
I'm gonna pimp it out.
It's gonna be so fly.
Maybe if you used your magic powers for something more than cleaning pools, you'd have enough money to buy your own house.
[spits] You think you're better than me 'cause you fight demons? I'm not ashamed of my water powers.
Water ain't weak, yo.
I never said it was.
I love water.
Without water, there'd be no nautical fashion.
[raccoon trilling] Damn it! Who let the raccoon out? Get back here! We're not done yet, Kaz.
Yo, get your ass back here! I can't believe I'm related to that Hamptons hillbilly.
- Oh, excuse me, miss.
- It's Lexy, man.
Are you kidding me? What are you talking about? I'm Lexy, and this big-ass panda is Gottlieb.
[growls] - Something happened when we went swimming.
- Oh, God.
Stupid Cousin Jeffrey must have done some of his Hamptons water magic to the pool.
Yo, this is messed up, man.
I came to the Hamptons to meet women, not become one.
Sir, I'm afraid the charging station won't work.
I really need to get into town.
Charles, focus.
We've got a crisis over here.
I'm sorry, sir.
How can I help? Let's go find Jeffrey.
He just took off.
May I suggest that we get Lexy some clothes first? Good idea.
This is obscene.
Gottlieb? [moans] I guess you're good.
[grumbles] [Lexy] Man, why would your cousin curse the pool? Who knows? Some people are just bad eggs.
Yo, Charles, keep up.
Sir, if you don't mind, I believe there is a mecha dealership just up the road.
Perhaps I could run ahead and inquire about a charger.
God, Charles, you really have a one-track mind.
- Go ahead.
- Thank you, sir.
All right, if you were my tasteless cousin, where would you be? I don't know, the Mountain Dew pavilion? [upbeat dance music playing over car speakers] Holy moly, look who's in the Hamptons.
Didn't know Rat Catchers liked the beach.
[all laughing] I've been coming here since I was a little kid, dipshit.
And who is this vision of femininity? [grumbles] Wanna go as my date to Freddie Miles' party tonight? Freddie Miles is having a party? Oh, yes.
It's the party of the summer.
I don't think you'd wanna come, though.
- And why not? - 'Cause a certain Cathy will be there.
Cathy's in the Hamptons? Is she ever.
And did you hear? She has a new boyfriend, a race car driver from Giappone.
Yes, I've heard.
I'm sure he can go a lot faster than you ever could.
[laughing] - Arcangelo.
- This guy can run laps around you.
Very funny.
He's Formula 1 while you're baby formula.
I know you're trying to make me jealous, but it won't work.
Cathy's not the only one that's moved on.
Yeah, sure.
We'll see about that.
And by the way, Kaz.
A panda? Really? The new pet wave is cheetahs.
I'm getting mine on Monday.
[grunts] Later, skaters.
Peace.
Yo, that was creepy as fuck, son.
I'm really not enjoying the male gaze right now, so we gotta find your cousin ASAP.
Or we could wait until tomorrow.
Might be kind of fun to hit Freddie Miles' party.
Yeah, I know it'll be fun, that's why I wanna go in my own body.
Would you please come as a girl? Pretend to be my girlfriend? - I don't wanna face Cathy alone.
- Dawg, come on.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please? Just one more day? - Ugh.
Fine, I'll do it, for the Rollie.
- Deal! I'll miss you, Rollie.
Now, let's go shopping.
I want you looking hot.
[grumbles] Come on, Lexy, what are you doing in there? [Lexy] Chill, B.
It takes time to try on all these clothes, man.
Wow, is that the Alaïa dress? Man, I don't know.
It's cool.
It's subtle.
But is it a showstopper? [grumbles] [scoffs] I'm getting sick of this.
I just want you to look good for the party.
Try the Chloé bag.
Now the Céline.
Chloé again.
Now Céline.
Chloé.
Céline.
Okay, Chloé.
Wait.
Would it be crazy to wear both bags? Charles, what do you think? I'm afraid I don't know, sir.
I couldn't find a charging station in town, and I don't have enough energy to process that question.
You don't have enough energy to take us to the party? Yes.
You'll have to walk, sir.
Ugh.
Fine.
And if you wouldn't mind picking me up a temporary battery, even a small one, it'd be a lifesaver, sir.
Sure, whatever.
Thank you, sir.
[dance music playing] Yeah, whoo! History in the making Oh, oh, oh, oh, come on! Whoo! Oh, come on, yeah Oh, come on, come on Come on, come on [grunts] We be up in the club Yo, Freddie Miles throws the sickest parties on the Island.
Lexy, remember, don't talk.
You'll give yourself away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, be cool.
Here comes Arcangelo.
Mm-mm-mm.
How did this trash boy land a girl like you? Still not talking? I can crack this nut.
Oh, my God, it's Cathy.
Oh, hello, Kaz.
I didn't expect to see you in the Hamptons.
I could say the same to you.
I guess we just can't escape each other today.
What do you mean, "escape"? Looks like these clowns have a lot to talk about.
Let's go get you a drink.
So, what brings you out to the South Fork? Last-minute trip.
My sister invited me.
That's cool.
That's cool.
I'm here showing my new girlfriend around.
She's never been to the Hamptons before.
I didn't realize you had a new girlfriend.
You didn't mention her this morning.
Yeah, I find it's in bad taste to bring up stuff like that when you run into an ex.
Oh.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Her name is Legend.
She's beautiful.
And stylish.
Her dress is Alaïa.
Does she have two bags? Yeah.
Wild, right? Too elegant for just one, I guess.
Seems like you found your dream girl.
You mysterious angel.
What you got in those bags? [grunts] Ah.
- [Matoko] Hey, Arcangelo.
- What's up? I'm a little busy over here.
They're towing your car.
The 1961 cherry red MGA Roadster? - That's the one.
- Blast it all! I'll be right back, darling.
Hi.
I'm Matoko.
So, tell me about this boyfriend of yours.
Where'd you meet? Well, he was in San Francisco to meet his sports agent.
Sports agent? But he's not an athlete.
[chuckles] Of course he is.
An athlete uses their body to run and jump and swing, like a field hockey player.
Your boyfriend is a technician, like a refrigerator repairman.
All right, Kaz.
Tell me more about your girlfriend.
Well, as you can see, she's an An idiot! I'll be right back, Cathy.
What are you doing, you maniac? Uh, making out with Matoko Goldberg.
Duh.
- But you're my date.
- You think I'd miss my chance to smash the hottest lesbian on Long Island? Let me make lemonade out of these lemons.
Can I live? - Kiss me now.
- Yo, are you crazy? Yo, get off me, man! [Lexy grunting and mumbling] Ew! Hey, Kaz, it doesn't look like she wants to be kissed.
Of course she wants to kiss me.
I'm her boyfriend.
Isn't that right, honey? [grumbles] Can we start over? I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Kaz, what is the matter with you? Go and talk to your girlfriend.
[grunting] [growls] [yells] Yikes.
My plan is severely backfiring.
- That was messed up, B.
- What do you mean? What do you mean, "what do I mean?" Kissing me.
Ha.
Sorry, Lexy.
Just wanted to kick it up a notch for Cathy.
I don't care about Cathy.
Forget Cathy.
You can't go around making me your prop.
Dude, I'm just taking advantage of this temporary transformation.
- I don't want you kissing me, son! - Lexy, you sound like a real homophobe.
Homophobe? No, B.
I may have this hot female body right now, but I do not identify as female.
Even if I did, you still can't kiss me to make your ex jealous! - You're really overreacting.
It's funny.
- Funny? [scoffs] I'm seeing a side of you I don't really like.
I think Cathy's right.
You don't know how to treat women.
[chuckles] Well, you're not actually a woman.
First of all, gender is a spectrum, not a binary.
And second of all, I know a misogynist when I see one.
I am not a misogynist.
Keep your voice down.
- You got me tight, Kaz.
- Come on.
Let's just calm down and go back to the party.
- You're getting hysterical.
- Hysterical?! Man, get out of here! [laughing] Damn, that girl's a firecracker.
Please tell me she just dumped you.
Hey, Charles.
Rough night.
Sorry to hear that, sir.
Did you happen to pick up a temporary battery? Things were hectic.
I'll get one tomorrow.
Very good, sir.
[raccoon trilling] Aah! God, where did you come from?! Ah, there you are! Come on.
[grunting] [yelps] - Come on.
Got you.
- Yo, Kaz, what's going on here, son? Ooh, damn.
Who's the hot chick? That's my friend Lexy, you idiot.
He got transformed into a woman when he jumped in the infinity pool.
Yeah.
We've been looking all over for your dumb ass.
Wait.
You guys went in the pool? [laughs] - You need to fix this, you dick.
- All right, all right, chill.
Check this out.
Follow me.
- All right, yo, hop in.
- That's it? [moans] Yeah, that's it.
I just put a reversion spell on the pool.
- Human after all.
- Finally, no more titties.
Hey, chill out.
Oh, hey! No Aah! [grunts] Come No! Uncle Albert? What's going on here? You're not dead? Of course not.
My prick of a son turned me into a disgusting raccoon.
What? Why would you do that, Jeffrey? I needed people to think he was dead so I could inherit the house.
He was letting it get all shitty.
I wanna make it sick like it used to be, have cookouts with honeys.
So, you turned him into a filthy animal? Yeah, yeah.
Pretty smart, right? I got the idea a few weeks ago when I had some of my boys over.
I was showing off some water magic, and I tried this new transformation spell.
Next thing I know, my dudes turned into butterflies.
So, I'm running around trying to catch their bitch asses, and then it hits me, I could do this to my dad and get the house.
The family trust owns this house, you idiot.
- You're never gonna inherit it.
- Yeah, I know that now, Pops.
Hey, sorry about all this, Kaz.
Believe you me, this numb-nuts will be punished.
I'm just glad you're not dead.
We had a funeral for you in the city.
Oh, yeah? How was it? It was great.
Your gravestone is magnificent.
Ah, that's good to hear.
Give Agatha a kiss for me.
Will do.
- Hey! - Why can't you be more like your dandy-ass cousin, you banana? You're coming with me.
Ow, my ear! It's been a crazy day.
We should just head home.
Lexy, I'm sorry.
I know I didn't treat you right.
Yeah, that's your problem.
You don't know how to treat anyone right.
What's going on? I told you I couldn't last this long without a charge.
Are you stupid or something? - Wait.
Are you Charles? - Do I sound like fucking Charles? I'm Sadie, Charles' pilot.
- Charles has a pilot? - Yeah, obviously.
Damn, Kaz.
You don't know how mechas work? I got him used, and I never really thought about it.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
Well, now the battery's totally kaput and we gotta schlep this hunk of junk back into the city.
Ugh, shit.
This means we gotta take the Jitney back.
You know, I kind of miss being a panda.
All that fur felt good, man.
I miss my beautiful female body, if we're being real about things.
What's the difference between you and Charles? When I'm inside, my brainwaves sync up with Charles' program.
Everything I say has to be filtered through Charles' speech center.
And you see everything that Charles sees? Of course.
How else am I gonna control him? - So, even when he reads to me in the bath? - [chuckles] Yes, Kazzie.
All the time.
[explosion] - Hey! - Hey! What's going on? [sirens wailing] Yo! [music]