Neon Joe, Werewolf Hunter (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (Paul) No.
No, look.
No.
I'm not telling you where I'm at.
That's the whole point of this vacation.
No auditions, no stupid meetings, No scripts, no wife, no kids, no nothing.
Just the great outdoors, me, and this B&B.
As soon as I hang up this phone, I am off the grid.
Goodbye.
(owl hooting) (sighs deeply) Oh.
Oh, that feels so good! Ohh.
(hooting continues) (exhales deeply) Wow.
Look at that big, beautiful completely round full moon.
(howls) (sighing) Ah.
(ringtone playing) Screw you, phone.
I don't need you this week.
Freedom.
Hey, B&B, it looks like it's you and me getting some Z&Zs.
And tomorrow, a little R&R.
L.
O.
L.
(chuckles) (distorted howling) Hello? Dave? (snarling) Sorry I was late for check-in.
(snarling continues) All right, you know what? If this is, uh, some group of local teens trying to scare me, I can assure you, it's not working.
(snarling continues) All right, you know what? That's it.
I'm gonna call my agent, and I'm gonna have her call the police.
(loud snarling) Oh, God.
oh, no.
No! No, no! No! (roaring) (Carol) Excuse me.
Sorry.
Sorry I'm late! Sorry I'm late.
I appreciate your waiting.
Thank you.
I know we are all upset about what happened last night to Paul Rudd.
I'm upset.
I saw him in Ant-Man, and he was terrific.
But as far as I am concerned, this was a random event.
Some crazed fan probably followed Paul in from the city and killed him.
Maybe it will become a tourist attraction.
"Stay at the B&B where Paul Rudd was murdered.
" I'd stay there.
Sounds pretty cool.
What about the rumor it was a werewolf? My customers freaked out when they heard that! (all clamoring) You mean the rumor started by the town drunk? Hey! he was killed right outside my B&B.
I saw it with my own eyes.
It was a vicious beast.
It dragged Paul into the woods.
Sheriff, you saw the body.
Look, when we have more information, We'll let you all know.
In the meantime, the mayor's right.
We all just need to remain calm.
Oh, baloney! If it was a werewolf, you need to stop screwing with us and let us know! Do I have to close my bar?! What about my market? Yeah, what about my B&B? (all clamoring) (loud screeching) (all groaning) Y'all know me.
(Man) No, we don't.
Okay, you don't.
Just got to town this morning.
But y'all know how I earn a living.
(Man) No, we don't.
All right, I was on the assumption Y'all would have been briefed about who I am.
No matter.
My name is Neon Joe werewolf hunter.
(howl) And I'm here because when someone get killed by a werewolf, I get a call.
And I got a call late last night 'cause somebody think the actor Paul Rudd was killed by a werewolf.
I saw the body.
Wasn't no crazed fan did that, Not unless a crazed fan werewolf.
Maybe it was a dude werewolf.
Maybe it was a chick werewolf.
Hey, maybe even a, uh, chick with a dick werewolf.
Man, you ever see one of those? Blow your mind.
Whatever the case, for $25,000, I'll find this beast for you.
I'll catch it, and kill it for $75,000.
(all murmuring) Oh, what, you want people staying at your cute B&Bs, buying up all your antiques, eating up all your artisanal mayonnaise? Then I suggest you pony up.
Or you can take your chance and, uh, roll the dice! Thank you for that offer, Neon Joe.
We will take it under advisement.
Uh, he-yump.
You make up your mind, you let me know.
Y'all know where to find me.
(Man) No, we don't.
I think it is a huge mistake not to evacuate the town until after the next two full moons.
Or at the very least, to impose some sort of curfew so everyone has to stay indoors.
Do you want to be the one to take money out of everyone's pockets because the biggest drunk in town says he saw a monster? All right, so, say it wasn't a werewolf.
Why don't we just hire Neon Joe to find and kill whatever did this? I'm sorry.
Isn't that your job, Sheriff? What's the matter? you scared? This whole thing taking you back to your time in Seattle? You shot that kid holding a hoagie, thinking it was a gun.
(boy) Don't shoot! It's a sandwich! (gunshot) Maybe the $75,000 should come out of your salary.
Look.
Do patrols all night if it makes you feel better.
But we're not enforcing a curfew, we're not evacuating, and we're not hiring Neon Joe.
And you sure as hell better not make a call like that behind my back again without consulting me first.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go prepare a delicious dinner for me and my current lover.
(romantic music playing) It smells great, Carol.
(wind howling) (music stops) (beep, indistinct radio chatter) Everything all right, Carol? Yeah, yeah.
I just have some official mayor business I have to listen to.
I'll turn the music back on in a sec.
All right, thanks a lot, Barrett.
Good night, Sheriff.
How we looking out there, Gary? (siren chirps) Aw, shoot.
(Gary) Good, Sheriff.
Just about to shut down a hacky sack circle.
But other than that, all is quiet.
Over.
All right, let's just keep an open channel.
Over.
Roger that.
Over.
- Hey, guys.
- What's up, deputy? Hey, hey.
you want to hack in? Ah, man, you know I'd love to, but, uh It's after dark.
Got to shut this down.
No hacking.
(boys groaning) (chuckles) You want to get in on this, son.
All right, man, just one hack.
All right! I knew you would! I knew you-- (roaring) (roaring) Gary, what was that? Over.
(Gary) I-I don't know, Sheriff.
(growling) W-what is that? (snarling) Oh, shit! (all screaming) (screaming) -Hang on, Gary! -He was right! -Hang tight! -It was a werewolf! Hang on! (roaring) I hope Neon Joe hasn't left town yet! -Hold on, Gary! -(screaming) Gary! First of all, let me just say how very sorry I am, Susan, for your son, and, Georgia, for your boyfriend.
Basically, we're looking at your classic good-news, oh-boy scenario.
Well, the good news is that Matt was the only hacky-sacker to survive the werewolf attack.
The oh-boy was that he must have run into a tree or something trying to escape.
Whatever happened put him in this very deep coma.
(sobbing) My baby! Diane, please remove the hysterical woman.
(sobbing) You know Sexual activity has, at times, proven to break people from their coma.
If you'd like to try, I could stick around and supervise, since it's technically a medical procedure.
I could record it, show you some medical positions.
I have a pretty cool new camera.
High-def.
Let's do it.
(Joe) Oh, yeah.
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Y'all sure know how to do a watermelon-basil lemonade here in Garrity.
Got it up at Spot-Hitter.
Every drink hit the spot.
This is good.
Yeah, I sure wish I could cross this here police tape, come in there and help you out, but I'm just a private citizen who was not hired to do a job.
So good luck, Sheriff.
$75,000? Oh, w-what is this for me?! Oh, that-- that's kind of y'all.
That real nice.
And, oh, look at this right he-yump.
Say in the memo section "Should have done this yesterday.
" "Should have done this yesterday.
" Oh, what's wrong? Oh, you can't see that? That's right, 'cause it not yesterday.
He-yump.
Have no fear, Sheriff.
Joe is he-yump.
There weren't many body parts left after the attack, So we put them all in one casket.
And let us all pray for Matt's speedy recovery.
His mother Susan-- I'm sorry, Matt would like to stay a few words.
Yo, what up, mayor! (grunts) What's up? It's me, Matt.
My mom's having a tough time coping emotionally, crying a lot, so she stayed home.
If you see her, just be supportive.
Also, anybody want to buy my mix tape? You'll find me after the funeral.
(Carol) Thank you, Matt.
Hope your mother feels better.
Cleave, did you want to say a few words? Matt was always nice to me.
He invited me to hack last night, but I I ended up working late.
But I want everyone to rest easy.
'Cause starting tonight, I am on neighborhood watch, devoting the rest of my life to killing that werewolf.
I will be the George Zimmerman of Garrity! Remember that guy from the news? Not your best example, Cleave.
Why don't you go sit down? Very sorry to interrupt such somber soliloquies, but, uh, I would like to announce a lead in the werewolf case.
I have just come from the scene of the hacky-sack killing, where I found many werewolf pubes.
Werewolf pubes.
Now, I shall be coming door to door over the next couple days to retrieve pubic hair samples From each and every one of y'all up in he-yump.
So if you could please do me the favor of having a dirty curly at the ready, preferably clean, I'd appreciate that.
He-yump.
Gentlemen pallbearers, if you will.
(Joe) Now, Sonny, I do understand this may not be the best time to ask for a pubic hair sample.
I-I could come back.
(grunts) (screaming) There you go.
Should be a good one in there somewhere.
Here's my pube, Neon Joe.
Oh.
Yeah, Cleave, I can tell you a good egg.
Let's just hope this here pube sample is negative.
I would hate to splatter that good egg's yolk brains all over this town with a silver bullet.
Well, then, cross my pubes and don't hope to die! (chuckles) (cackles) (cackles loudly) (laughs, giggles) Well, back to the daily grind.
Rolling stone gather no moss.
But it do gather pubes.
(beep) (screeching) (beeping) What's up, baby? I'm pregnant with Matt's baby.
It was a coma conception.
What? Babe, that's awesome! I'm be a dad! (chuckles) (straining) What's the matter, babe? Look.
I know this is hard for you.
And I'm sure your mom feels bad about a lot of things.
Well, one thing I know she feels bad about is when I gave her a "Free hug" coupon for her birthday once, and she redeemed it with Shawn, the mechanic from the gas station.
Hugged his wang with her lips.
Well, I'm sure she knows that it's time to move on from certain things and start trying to forgive herself.
Don't you worry, Georgia.
I'm gonna put an end to my mom's cycle of narcissistical neglect and take care of this child.
Me! Matt.
Well, I'm very sorry, Neon Joe.
Had my pubes permanently lasered off just this morning, hmm? That quite a coinky-dink, don't you thinky-dink, Dave? Huh.
Are the kid in the coma's pubes being checked? I wonder if that's also a "coinsidink.
" It's pronounced coinky-dink.
(indistinct conversations) (men shouting indistinctly) (speaking Chinese) (speaking Chinese) I-it's just a formality, but I do need a pube from everyone.
Right.
Like I said, just be a quick-- Why was it reported that this boy was not attacked by a werewolf?! Yes, right.
Uh Sorry.
Um I thought those were hacky-sack scratches.
(creaking) (grunting) All right.
Now, if Matt was attacked, there's a very good chance he was infected.
This lamp has been affixed with artificial moonlight.
Doc? Whoa! Yeah, just like I thought.
He a wolf.
All right, Doc.
Looks like now we got two wolf in town.
(thinking) Hmm.
Wolf sense tingle he-yump.
Or should I say three? I didn't know he was a werewolf when I got pregnant.
(screaming) Oh.
Oh.
It's okay.
Now come and give one final push.
Oh, God! -One final push! -No, no! That baby like a now-and-later candy.
Whether it come out now or later, that future death beast cannot live.
Oh, we're keeping that baby, son.
Oh, we're killing that son, baby.
Oh, don't you switch my words! -I'll words you switch! -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! A human medical facility is no place to decide the fate of a wolf baby.
Take this outside.
Hey, that's fine.
I need some fresh air anyway.
(scoffs) (beep) (screeches) Well, it's not like we can just flip a coin.
Heads, it lives.
Tails, it dies.
Yeah, you damn right.
This is bigger than any coin.
We gonna drag for it.
(imitates engine revving) (engines revving) (tires squealing) (tires screeching) Whoo! Yeah, that's right! Joe take the flag called the checker! -(scoffs) -Good race.
Oh, come on, now.
You know that wolf baby gonna die no matter what.
Least you got a good drag out of it.
Go tell your girlfriend the news.
Come on.
What the he-yump? (gasping) Come on, werewolf! You out here tonight? (yelping) (grunts) You can run, but you can't hide! Soon, you will smell the taste of revenge! Whoo! (screeches softly) Bad news.
I just got back from Georgia's.
She left a suicide note.
"Why put off the inevitable? "Joe too tough and scary.
"Kind of cute, though.
squeezable buns.
" It doesn't say that.
It says, "I can't live like this, "So I'm gonna kill myself.
Goodbye, Garrity.
" Yeah, I read between the lines.
I know when I'm being flirted with in a suicide note.
Did I make a huge mistake calling you? Take a look at my face.
Take a good look in my eye.
That look like a mistake to you?! No.
No.
You want to see a real good scar? You want to see the one that almost got me? There.
Take a good look at that one right there! What am I supposed to be looking at? The big one right down the middle.
It just looks like your butt crack.
Made you look.
Oh, you reek! What the hell is wrong with you? I-I-I just wanted to help Neon Joe find the werewolf so he'd leave town! He's gonna find out the truth about us! (screeches) No one's going to find out about anything.
You gave him a pube, right? Yeah, I gave him a whole bunch.
Good! Go home, shower, continue to act normal.
Neon Joe is going to be out of our pubes soon enough.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am late for a massage with my current lover.
Let's move.
He-yump.
He-yump.
(spits) He-yump.
(grunts) He-yump.
He-yump.
He-yump.
He-yump.