Nero Wolfe (2001) s02e16 Episode Script
Immune to Murder
can you get this on record? Yeah.
Okay, good any progress on getting the interview with the man himself? Ahem, the ambassador? No, Nero Wolfe, Nero Wolfe.
Yeah, that would be a real feather in my hat.
Nero Wolfe, man, i'll tell ya, i'd have a by-line on the front page of every newspaper in the country.
(Leeson) Okay, kid, listen here.
This is an experiment on how being in nature away from the secretaries the pens and paper, long tables the formal diplomacy.
How, perhaps, being in nature may actually, be able to change people's minds.
You know, president eisenhower is actually considering using camp David as such a place.
When i invited kelefy to come fish at my lodge, it, ah, never occurred to me i was gonna instigate some kind of an international incident.
Then the state department got into it and the conglomerate lodged a complaint.
My, my a complaint! (kelefy) These people know that we have a very rich cache of oil in our country.
Now, you know that oil is big money.
You mine it cheaply, you sell it high.
The only way to do that is to take it to other countries.
(ferris) It's always brutal when you're talking about fuel.
A resource, oil, black gold.
Everybody wants it.
(papps) In this country, the government meddles more in the affairs of, of businessmen.
Whereas, ah, where we are, it is left up to the businessmen to really set things straight.
(Archie goodwin) The new ambassador from vezenhuego and wanted to taste his famous brook trout.
The state department wanted vezenhuego's oil and asked Wolfe for the favor.
(man) Mr.
Goodwin, i presume? (Archie) Yes, yes, yes.
(Archie) Yes, yes, yes.
Do you do? Very good, thank you, very nice to meet you.
(Wolfe) This is an abomination! Ah, mr.
Wolfe mr.
Secretary, Leeson.
I'm Archie, i have lumbago and i will not i will be dining in my room.
That's a hell of a way to serve your country.
You don't have lumbago, what it is, is we've driven 328 miles, your back is sore.
From 35th street to the adirondacks, what do you expect confound it, it's lumbago! No, it's acute grumpiness lumbago! 20 years ago, Nero Wolfe got the papers that made him a u.
s.
Citizen.
Who is this vezenhuego idiot? He'd always been grateful, so he agreed to cook for the ambassador and various american oil interests vying for the large oil contract.
Uh, hello.
(Bragan) Ah, thank god, here they are.
Come on in, mr.
Wolfe, welcome to my humble abode! Very pleased to meet you, sir.
I'd like you to meet the ambassador from vezenhuego, mr.
Kelefy and his wife.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm a great admirer of yours.
(laughs) Dinner will be at 6:30.
Where is my room? Your room's right along there.
(clamoring) I have lumbago i have it.
And, now, i must eat at a strange table with a jumble of strangers in a nightmare, dime-store, frontier theme park filled with bacteria-infested animals! So why don't you giddyup on down to the mess hall and tell them that i will not be chowing down with you this evening! Wolfe's real problem was aggravated laziness.
Wolfe's real problem was aggravated laziness.
& c hatter) When does it stop? Perhaps a little later on, after another cocktail.
My wife is r (Archie) Why is that unfortunate? Because the ambassador, yesterday, caught only two.
Tomorrow, i'm going to have a migraine not go fishing.
David, we are getting a townhouse on jay street.
My name is spiros papps.
I am here as advisor to my good friend, cy, i am here as advisor theodore kelefyriend, en who is the ambassador of vezenhuego.
I am an expert and a financier.
Tell me a little something about these people because the introductions, they were skimpy.
David m.
Leeson, assistant secretary of state.
Oh, yeah, he called Wolfe.
His influence with the ambassador makes him a linchpin to any deal.
He's very close to the ambassador.
Oh, okay, what about her? Mrs.
Sally Leeson, she is an asset to any career diplomat.
She doesn't look like she's having a good time, i'll tell you that.
She's a woman of many moods.
What about that one over there? That is adria kelefy, wife of the ambassador, a woman full of life.
Sitting across from you there, james arthur ferris.
He's gotta be somebody's lackey 'cause he's sitting next to the fire, too, he's burning up in the frying pan.
No, as a matter of fact, he's a billionaire.
This guy over here is a billionaire? They stick him next to the fire like me.
He's the head of five oil syndicates.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Bragan invited the competition to go fishing? It was my idea to invite him.
It was Bragan's idea to make him uncomfortable.
I'm a man of malice, mr.
Goodwin.
I am a man of guile.
(hysterical laughter) You're what? Ah, your excellency! Madame kelefy, as the host, it's my honor to propose the first toast.
So, i would like to welcome our honored friends to the united states of america, the land of plenty.
We are a marvelous machine, a machine that can feed the world.
But, a machine that needs fuel to feed herself.
And, so, we turn to the little countries, the backwaters, who have the resources but don't know what to do with them.
And, to them, we offer a hand.
A hand, of course, that is filled with the benefits of civilization.
Our technology, our medicine, our jets, your planes, your tanks and our indoor plumbing, mr.
Ambassador, don't forget that.
(all laughing) (continues) But this exchange has but one goal: That you never forget that texas, united states of america, is your friend.
So, ladies and gentlemen, my toast for this evening is to a long and prosperous friendship, mr.
Ambassador.
(applause) I would like to say how beautiful my wife looks this evening.
(applause) Absolutely, mr.
Ambassador.
Mr.
Wolfe? Oh, yes, beautiful.
First, i would like to thank mr.
O.
v.
Bragan for providing us with this haven, this oasis far away from my "backwater" country.
(Bragan) My pleasure, sir.
And far away from the chitchat of Washington.
I would also like to thank my dearest David Leeson, for providing this magnificent adventure.
And, without whom, i would never have fallen so in love with fly fishing.
We are a people of beauty and passion and great love.
And we pledge friendship, steadfast loyalty and the pursuit of the american dream.
(Bragan) Hear, hear! Well said, mr.
Ambassador.
Ferris, you can toast another time, when you host, maybe.
(papps) I revel in it, seeing big men sharing bad blood.
Look at them.
Too damn much hot air! You know, there is nothing as petty as a big man.
Little men are rarely as petty as big men look at him.
I mean, hot air! About your your behavior during dinner.
You know how i feel about disturbances at a meal.
Yes, it was either that or i fry, so i concede that this was an exception.
This Bragan is either a dunce or a ruffian.
So, are you going fishing tomorrow? No, i'm not going fishing.
See any reason why i shouldn't? No, none that i caother than common sense.
All right, well, good night.
All right, well, good ndid you see these? Look, it's some sort of tribute to the myth of the frontier.
Yeah, yeah Archie, you were right to oppose this expedition.
These people are engaged in bitter combat.
In his present humor, i doubt if the ambassador could distinguish between truite bleu and carp fried in lard.
Archie if, uh if we left tomorrow right after lunch, would we be home by bedtime? Ah, yeah, sure, sure good night.
Good night Archie! What is this? Apinata.
Archie, this, uh, other creature on my bed, could you remove this? I doubt i could sleep with it.
Are you going to sleep? Yes, i'll sleep, normally, i do.
I'm gonna play a little pool first, though.
You must keep your mind on business.
You were talking entirely too much at dinner.
Now, we have things to do here.
We must do them quickly and efficiently.
I will not have you embarrass me one more time, you understand me? As i came down the stairs, i noticed papps had left a few details out of his introductions.
Last night, he saw the light.
Let me tely home and you, sir, are my guest.
Oh, for god's sake, don't pull that great man act on me.
If i were you, i'd be worried about papps.
He's not the kind of man who stays bought.
Hey, you waiting for your cue? What a fool.
Who, uh, ferris? I honestly thought the americans would pull together.
Instead, they could sink the negotiations.
There's other people that want that oil, y'know.
Well, listen, tomorrow's another day and you'll be tasting Wolfe's cooking.
All right, everybody, gather round.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, come on, kids, come on.
Put that cue down, come on over here! Come on, you ladies, ladies, come on in! Now, then.
(mariachi music) Let's hear it, come on! (cheering) Bring on the dancing girls! (cheering & yelling) (cheering) (chatter) (Archie) There were a lot of twists and turns in the three miles of river that Bragan owned.
Bragan and kelefy had the two sections north of the lodge and Leeson and ferris were working the two south bends.
If papps developed the headache he was planning on, i planned to take his stretch in the middle.
Good day, everyone.
Ah, yes.
Feeling better today? No, the pain, the pain.
His promise of a migraine so his boss could catch a few more fish.
Wish me luck! Do you see the sheen? Yes.
Wolfe kept his mind off lumbago by prepping for the trout.
Where all of the essences form to make this genius dish.
Here, taste.
Salt.
It needs salt, ha-ha! Wh what did you say? And a bit of onion, where's the onion? Onion! Wh what you would destroy th the delicate taste of trout with onion! It's a joke, it's a joke ! It's absolutely perfect, it's a joke.
You call yourself a chef? You make a joke in the middle of proofing a sauce! You know w witling.
Bragan told me, not very cordially, to help myself to supplies.
Well, i ended up with a walton special three-piece rod, a poughqueag reel, a fly box with two dozen assorted flies.
I estimated that i was about $400 on the hoof.
It was 10:30 wher.
I wanted to work the section set aside for papps until the rest came back.
Then i'd have the river all to myself.
Will you catch one for lunch, a fish? If it's big enough to keep, i will.
What is the biggest fish you ever caught? The biggest fish i ever caught? That'd have to be frankie "the shark" d'angelo.
Was he difficult to catch? Yes, he put up quite a struggle.
Now let me try, i want to ah, no no no, no no.
It'd be fun to watch you catch a fish but, see, Bragan lent this to me and, ah, but, see, Bragan lent i can't give it to you.
Now, you still smoke? I do, occasionally, not oh, pink! Pink, yes.
Pink, my favorite color.
How could i forget pink? I just want to catch a fish, why is that wrong? This is not my gear, all right? Bragan, he lent it to me so there's certain rule.
Now, listen, i'm sorry.
And i'll show you how sorry i am.
I will tell you my first thought when i saw you last evening if you'd care to hear it, would you? I'm not sure.
Oh, look at her, she's at it again.
Unbelievable.
You know, she will never change.
Come, you still play backgammon? That big ring on your husband's left hand, is it an emerald? Se.
Our so this is what i was thinking, i was thinking that your husband, he ought to display his assets a little bit more effectively.
Oh, yeah? How? Well, by combining his assets you and the emerald, you see.
See, what i would do is, i would take the emerald and i would turn it into an earring and i would put it in your right ear.
Your left ear what would i do with i'm not sure.
Anyway, that's what i would do with your right ear.
Like it, i like pearls.
Now give me that rod.
Good morning, mrs.
Kelefy.
Hard at work, mr.
Goodwin? Indeed.
I just wanted to catch a fish and this man won't give me his rod, let me use your rod.
Do you know how to use it? It takes a certain expertise.
It's all in the wrist, when you cast.
Now, how can i help you today, mr.
Ferris? I'm not sure.
I don't know what you're doing in this kitchen! (yelling) It's full of bacteria! How dare you say a thing like that! Diiingg, diiingg, diiingg! Diiingg! Don't terrify my people here! I asked you to julienne these! That is julienne! It is not julienne! It is julienne according to the french! I don't care what the french think! Ahh mr.
Goodwin.
You're fishing, too.
Eight trout.
Ah, very nice.
I ran into Bragan, he has had the audacity to catch 12.
That is no way to win an oil contract.
I mu?? Get back and show my wife.
She's out fishing right now.
You think she's caught something? She had hook in a big one.
I must go and show my fish.
I'll see you at lunch! Hoit, hoit.
Let's go, gentlemen, every second affects the texture of the flesh.
I'd only caught three fish when i started Leeson's stretch.
Then i got a hit that almost pulled me over.
I couldn't believe it.
This was the grandpa of all trout.
(papps) Look at, beautiful! That is magnificent! Mr.
Wolfe! We wish to offer you the praise that you so lavish where is he? He's gone to pack.
Good god! Thankgod.
(Bragan) Goodwin, did you see secretary Leeson? No, sir.
So unlike him.
He probably just wanted to fill up his creel.
You always exaggerate about how many fish you catch.
I got to give you a little report here.
See, i want you to know before the others.
I just found secretary Leeson downstream, clobbered.
Good heavens.
His skull is are you listening? His skull is bashed in above the temple.
His armpits are cold as can be.
Maybe we should go.
He's dead.
Perhaps we should leave.
We wouldn't get past albany.
Why the devil did you have to go fishing! I decided that more proper attire would be needed to break the news.
Mrs.
Leeson, i regret to inform you that secretary Leeson has been found down (screaming) If you have to, i will take you there.
Mr.
Bragan, i need you to call the police and a doctor now.
(man) You put a handkerchief under the dead man's head? Yes, i did.
Very sensible.
I'll get a better look at him in the hospital.
David! You, smart guy.
Inside.
I understand that the ambassador and mrs.
Kelefy and mr.
Papps have diplomatic immunity and therefore don't have to no, no, we would be very happy to cooperate.
I mean, even diplomats can be human on occasion.
On behalf of the people of the state of new york, i thank you, sir.
Now, according to your statements, you all have alibis.
Those of you who were here in the lodge have witnesses.
Those of you who were down in the river have fish i caught 12 trout! That takes time, even if they're biting.
Yes, and mr.
Ferris caught 10 and ambassador kelefy caught eight.
I mentioned i've been bothered by poachers have you investigated that angle? Well, l why not?! Because i guess we oh, nate, just bring it here.
I, uh, i wrapped it in newspaper.
Now, this was found 500 feet downstream from the bend, wedged between two rocks.
(screaming) No, no, don't look, don't look.
I'm sorry, but this was necessary.
As you can see, it's been sawed off at both ends and it wasn't in the water long enough to wash away the blood stains.
(Bragan) Of course! Poacher picked up a branch and crrk! There's pieces of wood like that in the wood pile.
If this was sawed off at both ends it means it was premeditated.
I'd have to agree.
(Bragan) Find the poacher, man! What are you wasting our time for? Well, sir, because we've come to a conclusion.
We don't like it, we don't like it at all, but a duty is a duty, no matter how painful.
What conclusion? The perpetrator of the murder is somebody in this lodge.
Now listen here, my little good captain colvin! Do you know who my guests are? I certainly do.
There was an article in the newspaper yesterday and a dispatch at headquarters from washington.
Might help to know what state the negotiations have reached.
You're out of your depth, colvin.
You certainly are.
The article mentioned there was a rivalry between you and mr.
Ferris, they said it was intense and bitter.
I assume that's a guess you're making, sergeant.
Americans do not fight with clubs, not for millions.
Anybsneaked through the woods and cked up a stick from that wood pile.
Yes, yes, but the laws of probability force us to focus on the people here.
Not just you, gentlemen.
We have Archie goodwin, and Nero Wolfe.
According to the same article, you came here to cook trout? I was asked to serve my country.
Baloney, what's the real reason? Oh, don't spoil it, mr.
Colvin.
Answer the question, why are you here? You have hinted delicately at a connection between the death of secretary Leeson and this contest of oil rights.
The one notable incident i would add to my statement is that last night mr.
Bragan arranged the seating at the table so that mr.
Ferris and mr.
Goodwin were roasted before our eyes.
Their only choice was cremation or discourtesy.
Are you through? Did you listen? Yes, brilliant, case solved.
Now, at what time did you and mr.
Goodwin have breakfast? I had mine early.
Mr.
Goodwin had his at 9:30.
Ah-ha! Is this significant? Plenty of time for goodwin to slip down to the river, kill mr.
Leeson and establish himself back on the veranda.
Wild conjectures have their place in an investigation, sir but it is better not to blab them until they are supported by at least a slender thread of fact.
Your being here stinks to high heaven.
Now what was the real reason? And don't give me any guff about trout.
Let us be explicit, do you call me a liar? I do.
Then there's no point in going on.
I'm not through with you.
Your statement, it's absolutely complete? Yes.
Theryou didn't mention? No.
Nothing notable? No.
You don't find it notable that you came here to cook the ambassador's trout that's what you say you came here for, right? Yes.
And yet, according to the cook, when you did cook the fish, you didn't include the ambassador's.
You don't find that notable? Not especially, no.
Well, i do! I looked at those fish, there's nothing wrong with them that i can see.
Ambassador kelefy, did you know that he didn't cook your fish? No, i did not, this is rather a surprise.
Can you think of any reason why not? I'm afraid not, but no doubt mr.
Wolfe can supply one.
Well, what about it, Wolfe why? Relate it to the murder, mr.
Colvin.
I don't have to.
Well, the trout are here, scrutinize them, dissect them, send them to the laboratory.
You can conduct a simple examination.
I don't believe your story, Wolfe.
I resent your tone, your diction, your manners and your methods! Only a witling would call a man of my conceit a liar.
Come, Archie.
(phone ringing) Captain colvin.
Very nice, mr.
Wolfe.
Yes, sir, how are you yes, sir.
Yes, sir, i will, thank you, sir.
That was district attorney howard jessel.
He's arriving here at 5:00.
He doesn't want me to ask any more questions gets here.
He doesn't want me to ask any more questionstil he (Wolfe) Answer the door.
There's nobody at the door.
There is a shadow.
Wolfe, i want to talk to you about something.
Mr.
Bragan, don't stand on ceremony.
Indeed, don't stand at all.
It disconcerts me to look up at people.
Look, i like the way you handled colvin.
I didn't, i want to go home.
Should have toadied him, i didn't, vanity comes high.
Home.
I well, he's a fool! The idea that anyone murdered Leeson is absurd.
Not any more absurd than the idea of a poacher selecting a log, then would you please sit down?! All right, maybe it wasn't a poacher.
Wolfe, i want you to find who killed Leeson and i want you to do it damn quickly! I can't emphasize how quickly.
This must be cleared up! Leeson murdered in my lodge the state department might decide to freeze me out.
Name your price.
I think not.
If i have a word with the district attorney, he'll take your statement and let you go back to new york.
No.
Mean, no? U the hell with appeal i have a reason.
What is it? I do not wish to disclose it.
Mr.
Bragan, you're an overbearing man, but i am a dogged one.
While i owe you the courtesy of a guest, i owe you nothing more, i decline the job.
(knocking) Come in! What do you want, ferris? Ho, ho, well, well, Bragan.
I'm glad you're here, i have something i want to say to you and i want witnesses present.
For god's sakes, ferris, there's been a murder.
Tomorrow, it'll be on the front page of a thousand papers tomorrow, i'm going to go to the district attorney and tell him the truth.
Congratulations.
About how you had a man in paris working on kelefy.
And a woman working on mrs.
Kelefy.
And how you put the screws to Leeson with some sort of blackmail.
You better watch what you say, mr.
Ferris.
As you say, there are witnesses.
You thought your dirty scheme was all set, didn't you? You had Leeson eating out of the palms of your hands, didn't you? Ha, ha, oh no, he started talking to me and he began to see the light.
I needed just one more day.
One more day to close but that day's come.
And Leeson's no longer here.
By god, you bought papps back, didn't you? You got it.
(laughing) Let go my arm.
Look, sally spiros, go away.
Can't you just leave me alone? But, you shouldn't be alone and you've come to comfort me? If i can.
Or to save your precious deal? Look, sally don't you dare! He trusted you.
(Wolfe) Pleistocene, saber-toothed hyenas hungry for each other's flesh.
Uh, yeah, yeah, right, i agree.
Listen, i think you missed a bet there, see.
If Bragan had talked the district attorney into letting us go, we'd be home in seven hours.
Archie, i'm taking another bath.
Yeah, fine, but you know, the fastest way home is to find the killer and collect the fee from Bragan.
The investigation is in captain colvin's thumbs.
(kelefy) I had hoped, mr.
Wolfe, to thank you for the meal under happier circumstances.
Yes, well, to be chosen as an instrument of hospitality on behalf of my country is a great honor.
I regret the calamity that spoiled it.
I thought it might amuse you to know how i came to make the request.
Who knows in advance what will kill him.
His insatiable curiosity.
We are, as you have guessed, still curious about you.
Merely curious? Why did you not cook the fish my husband caught? Caprice, i am a confirmed ecceric.
Still, even a caprice must spring from something.
No, no, no, a whim, a freakish dart of the mind.
I see.
I apologize for my persistence but in any cause celebre unexplained facts give rise to wild rumors.
While the fact that you did not cook my fish can't possibly be connected to the murder, the gossips will do their best to invent one.
You see my dilemma? I do.
What will be thought, what will not be thought.
Well, what if i to say that it amused me to twist the tales of highly placed persons and that it provided me with a touch of mockery not to cook your fish, how would that be? (chuckling) Excellent, you will say that? Yes, i see no objection to it.
Again, my thanks.
At the present, however, some unforeseen contingency might provide one.
Provide what, an objection? Yes, perhaps.
I would like to oblige you, but i cannot make it a commitment.
I would not ask it of you.
My gratitude.
Yes, yes.
I hope that you will permit me to proffer a token of my gratitude.
Adria, querida, i think it would be fitting for you to present this to mr.
Wolfe as a token, a symbol of our appreciation.
I do beg you to accept this as a symbol of our gratitude.
Oh, this is most unnecessary.
If it were necessary, it would not be so great a pleasure.
Come, my dear.
You wear it monday to fridays, i wear it weekends.
Well, i'm no art expert.
Could be that the brown speck and the crack at the bottom makes it more valuable but i'd give it back.
(Archie) I stared at him.
He did this only when his brain was going full tilt with all the wheels whirling and all the wires singing.
I must make a call.
A phone call, where's the phone? ? A phone call, where's the phone? Parker yes, who's this? Ah, mr.
Wolfe.
Yes, i need some information from you.
Mais il faut parler seulement francais oui.
Does that help you at all? Merci beaucoup.
District attorney jessel, he'd like to speak with you.
Yes, yes, first things first.
Mr.
Jessel, if i am to disclose the identity of the murderer of mr.
Leeson, i should like to have it done in the presence of everyone.
I wish you to gather them all in the great room.
But before i disclose the murderer, i wish to speak to the secretary of state.
Of new york? Of the united states of america, you mid-level moron.
I see, well i have a "must" too, mr.
Wolfe.
Yes? You must tell me what you're going to say! Impossible, i have a score to settle.
And you might interfere with my payment.
The murderer has foolishly offended my self-esteem you, go! I'm not gonna jasper nate.
Make the call.
Mr.
Wolfe.
This man is either drunk, drugged or insane! (papps) Let him talk.
When i arrived here, i was informed that all of you had gone fishing the day before.
And so, all had caught a considerable number of fish.
All of you, except the ambassador.
That is correct.
My luck was very bad but, as you know, today, my luck was good.
Do you know, sir, why i did not cook your fish? Caprice as you have told me, you have a very peculiar sense of humor.
It was at your suggestion that i concocted that bogus explanation.
Ahh one of yours, mr.
Bragan? (Bragan) Yes, my i did not serve them, sir, because the fish were not fresh.
Not fresh? You caught them yesterday, tied them together and left them somewhere in the creek.
Then you came in, pretending to have caught nothing.
Why would i do such a thing? To establish an alibi, sir.
You brought those fish in this morning pretending that you had spent hours catching them when in fact, you were killing Leeson.
(gasps) (gasps) (kelefy) Mr.
Wolfe, why would i want to kill my own best friend? I could not surmise that, sir.
But then, you came to my room to find out if i suspected you.
When i tacitly admitted i did, you made the mistake of offering me a bribe.
An emerald this emerald.
See, this, mr.
Jessel? This, mr.
Jessel, was the wound to my self-esteem.
A gift from an admirer.
It was a bribe, to silence me.
Had it measured up to my conceits, had it been the kohinoor diamond, or even the zabara diamond, it might have served its purpose, who can say? But it is merely a large emerald with a noticeable flaw.
This is quite fantastic.
But then, sir, you insisted that your wife hand me the emerald.
I believe your words were, "i think, my dear, it would be fitting for you to present it to mr.
Wolfe.
" Why that choice of words, sir, why was it fitting? Diplomatic speech is flowery.
But rarely without purpose.
It forced me to consider her.
Did your wife drive you to murder? Since i have been here, she has exercised her not-very-subtle charms on every male guest in this house.
Of all of them, only mr.
Leeson refused her.
Did mr.
Leeson have an affair with your wife when he served in your country? Oh, don't be absurd! Preposterous! David Leeson, he was just a boy scout.
Sir, answer me.
Sir, answer me! Yes, it was all her fault.
You had an affair with my husband in your own house! You had your claws (Archie) Take it easy, girls.
(speaking foreign language) You had your claws in him so deep, i got him called back home.
You went after him again, as soon as you saw him, didn't you? But he wouldn't have any of it.
So you told your husband everything, didn't you? In one of your famous little fits.
You had him kill David! Madam! Why in god's name did you not say this before? Because i didn't want anyone in washington to know what a fool David had been.
Besides, what difference does it make now? I mean the law cannot touch them.
Why not? He's a killer.
There's one advantage to being in the woods, mr.
Wolfe.
We can at least book him, hold him until hold your tongue, mr.
Colvin.
Not another word.
The kelefys are immune to prosecution, but we are not.
Now, i asked my lawyer to read me a statute on diplomatic im.
Archie, if you will, read the last paragraph.
(Archie) Sure, yes.
Ahem, "anyone who obtains a writ of process "in violation of this statute "and every other officer concerned "in executing a writ or process "shall be deemed a violator of the law of nations "a disturber of the public repose and shall be imprisoned for not more than three years.
" (Wolfe) Yes, which is why i insisted on speaking directly to the secretary of state.
He confirmed it.
I do not wish to spend three years in prison for exposing a murderer.
Congratulations, mr.
Wolfe.
My dear, come.
(kelefy) Spiros spiros.
Mr.
Kelefy a personal point.
Was it a also a stab at my self-esteem that you arranged for me to be here for the added fillip of gullg me? No, mr.
Wolfe.
When i expressed my desire, i had not yet contemplated actions that might arouse your prol interests.
Once i had, i thought it would be prudent not to retract the invitation.
Thank you for lunch.
Nice picture of kelefy, not many details hot him nice picture of kelefy, coming home from the airport.
S it doesn't say whether it was for the murder or ruining the oil negotiations.
I doubt if he cared much.
Thank you, Fritz.
"Death is nothing to us.
"That which is dissolved into its elements, experiences no sensations" you're using those eggs? These eggs were laid fresh this morning.
"And that which has no sensation, is nothing to us.
" So you agree with me? I shall never forgive him.
For what? I am fond of trout, and i shall never be able to savor it in just the same way again.
You'll get over it.
Where are you going? Me? Ahem, i'm going to central park zoo yeah.
I'm taking the widow Leeson.
Showing her the penguins, make her smile.
Yes, it's my mission in life to make her smile.
I need you here.
Oh, i'm sorry, my uh, my country calls duty.
The orchid list just arrived, i need you.
Oh, well, i wouldn't want to miss that.
When i get back.
(phone ringing) Oh.
Nero Wolfe's office.
Archie good uh yes, sir.
Ye ye i'll ask him, sir.
Who is it? It's the president.
What? Of the united states.
And he heard about your gourmet trout, he wants to invite you to camp David for the weekend.
Hold on, sir.
Yes, sir no, i am not interested in a subscription Archie, come back here! Archie!
Okay, good any progress on getting the interview with the man himself? Ahem, the ambassador? No, Nero Wolfe, Nero Wolfe.
Yeah, that would be a real feather in my hat.
Nero Wolfe, man, i'll tell ya, i'd have a by-line on the front page of every newspaper in the country.
(Leeson) Okay, kid, listen here.
This is an experiment on how being in nature away from the secretaries the pens and paper, long tables the formal diplomacy.
How, perhaps, being in nature may actually, be able to change people's minds.
You know, president eisenhower is actually considering using camp David as such a place.
When i invited kelefy to come fish at my lodge, it, ah, never occurred to me i was gonna instigate some kind of an international incident.
Then the state department got into it and the conglomerate lodged a complaint.
My, my a complaint! (kelefy) These people know that we have a very rich cache of oil in our country.
Now, you know that oil is big money.
You mine it cheaply, you sell it high.
The only way to do that is to take it to other countries.
(ferris) It's always brutal when you're talking about fuel.
A resource, oil, black gold.
Everybody wants it.
(papps) In this country, the government meddles more in the affairs of, of businessmen.
Whereas, ah, where we are, it is left up to the businessmen to really set things straight.
(Archie goodwin) The new ambassador from vezenhuego and wanted to taste his famous brook trout.
The state department wanted vezenhuego's oil and asked Wolfe for the favor.
(man) Mr.
Goodwin, i presume? (Archie) Yes, yes, yes.
(Archie) Yes, yes, yes.
Do you do? Very good, thank you, very nice to meet you.
(Wolfe) This is an abomination! Ah, mr.
Wolfe mr.
Secretary, Leeson.
I'm Archie, i have lumbago and i will not i will be dining in my room.
That's a hell of a way to serve your country.
You don't have lumbago, what it is, is we've driven 328 miles, your back is sore.
From 35th street to the adirondacks, what do you expect confound it, it's lumbago! No, it's acute grumpiness lumbago! 20 years ago, Nero Wolfe got the papers that made him a u.
s.
Citizen.
Who is this vezenhuego idiot? He'd always been grateful, so he agreed to cook for the ambassador and various american oil interests vying for the large oil contract.
Uh, hello.
(Bragan) Ah, thank god, here they are.
Come on in, mr.
Wolfe, welcome to my humble abode! Very pleased to meet you, sir.
I'd like you to meet the ambassador from vezenhuego, mr.
Kelefy and his wife.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm a great admirer of yours.
(laughs) Dinner will be at 6:30.
Where is my room? Your room's right along there.
(clamoring) I have lumbago i have it.
And, now, i must eat at a strange table with a jumble of strangers in a nightmare, dime-store, frontier theme park filled with bacteria-infested animals! So why don't you giddyup on down to the mess hall and tell them that i will not be chowing down with you this evening! Wolfe's real problem was aggravated laziness.
Wolfe's real problem was aggravated laziness.
& c hatter) When does it stop? Perhaps a little later on, after another cocktail.
My wife is r (Archie) Why is that unfortunate? Because the ambassador, yesterday, caught only two.
Tomorrow, i'm going to have a migraine not go fishing.
David, we are getting a townhouse on jay street.
My name is spiros papps.
I am here as advisor to my good friend, cy, i am here as advisor theodore kelefyriend, en who is the ambassador of vezenhuego.
I am an expert and a financier.
Tell me a little something about these people because the introductions, they were skimpy.
David m.
Leeson, assistant secretary of state.
Oh, yeah, he called Wolfe.
His influence with the ambassador makes him a linchpin to any deal.
He's very close to the ambassador.
Oh, okay, what about her? Mrs.
Sally Leeson, she is an asset to any career diplomat.
She doesn't look like she's having a good time, i'll tell you that.
She's a woman of many moods.
What about that one over there? That is adria kelefy, wife of the ambassador, a woman full of life.
Sitting across from you there, james arthur ferris.
He's gotta be somebody's lackey 'cause he's sitting next to the fire, too, he's burning up in the frying pan.
No, as a matter of fact, he's a billionaire.
This guy over here is a billionaire? They stick him next to the fire like me.
He's the head of five oil syndicates.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Bragan invited the competition to go fishing? It was my idea to invite him.
It was Bragan's idea to make him uncomfortable.
I'm a man of malice, mr.
Goodwin.
I am a man of guile.
(hysterical laughter) You're what? Ah, your excellency! Madame kelefy, as the host, it's my honor to propose the first toast.
So, i would like to welcome our honored friends to the united states of america, the land of plenty.
We are a marvelous machine, a machine that can feed the world.
But, a machine that needs fuel to feed herself.
And, so, we turn to the little countries, the backwaters, who have the resources but don't know what to do with them.
And, to them, we offer a hand.
A hand, of course, that is filled with the benefits of civilization.
Our technology, our medicine, our jets, your planes, your tanks and our indoor plumbing, mr.
Ambassador, don't forget that.
(all laughing) (continues) But this exchange has but one goal: That you never forget that texas, united states of america, is your friend.
So, ladies and gentlemen, my toast for this evening is to a long and prosperous friendship, mr.
Ambassador.
(applause) I would like to say how beautiful my wife looks this evening.
(applause) Absolutely, mr.
Ambassador.
Mr.
Wolfe? Oh, yes, beautiful.
First, i would like to thank mr.
O.
v.
Bragan for providing us with this haven, this oasis far away from my "backwater" country.
(Bragan) My pleasure, sir.
And far away from the chitchat of Washington.
I would also like to thank my dearest David Leeson, for providing this magnificent adventure.
And, without whom, i would never have fallen so in love with fly fishing.
We are a people of beauty and passion and great love.
And we pledge friendship, steadfast loyalty and the pursuit of the american dream.
(Bragan) Hear, hear! Well said, mr.
Ambassador.
Ferris, you can toast another time, when you host, maybe.
(papps) I revel in it, seeing big men sharing bad blood.
Look at them.
Too damn much hot air! You know, there is nothing as petty as a big man.
Little men are rarely as petty as big men look at him.
I mean, hot air! About your your behavior during dinner.
You know how i feel about disturbances at a meal.
Yes, it was either that or i fry, so i concede that this was an exception.
This Bragan is either a dunce or a ruffian.
So, are you going fishing tomorrow? No, i'm not going fishing.
See any reason why i shouldn't? No, none that i caother than common sense.
All right, well, good night.
All right, well, good ndid you see these? Look, it's some sort of tribute to the myth of the frontier.
Yeah, yeah Archie, you were right to oppose this expedition.
These people are engaged in bitter combat.
In his present humor, i doubt if the ambassador could distinguish between truite bleu and carp fried in lard.
Archie if, uh if we left tomorrow right after lunch, would we be home by bedtime? Ah, yeah, sure, sure good night.
Good night Archie! What is this? Apinata.
Archie, this, uh, other creature on my bed, could you remove this? I doubt i could sleep with it.
Are you going to sleep? Yes, i'll sleep, normally, i do.
I'm gonna play a little pool first, though.
You must keep your mind on business.
You were talking entirely too much at dinner.
Now, we have things to do here.
We must do them quickly and efficiently.
I will not have you embarrass me one more time, you understand me? As i came down the stairs, i noticed papps had left a few details out of his introductions.
Last night, he saw the light.
Let me tely home and you, sir, are my guest.
Oh, for god's sake, don't pull that great man act on me.
If i were you, i'd be worried about papps.
He's not the kind of man who stays bought.
Hey, you waiting for your cue? What a fool.
Who, uh, ferris? I honestly thought the americans would pull together.
Instead, they could sink the negotiations.
There's other people that want that oil, y'know.
Well, listen, tomorrow's another day and you'll be tasting Wolfe's cooking.
All right, everybody, gather round.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, come on, kids, come on.
Put that cue down, come on over here! Come on, you ladies, ladies, come on in! Now, then.
(mariachi music) Let's hear it, come on! (cheering) Bring on the dancing girls! (cheering & yelling) (cheering) (chatter) (Archie) There were a lot of twists and turns in the three miles of river that Bragan owned.
Bragan and kelefy had the two sections north of the lodge and Leeson and ferris were working the two south bends.
If papps developed the headache he was planning on, i planned to take his stretch in the middle.
Good day, everyone.
Ah, yes.
Feeling better today? No, the pain, the pain.
His promise of a migraine so his boss could catch a few more fish.
Wish me luck! Do you see the sheen? Yes.
Wolfe kept his mind off lumbago by prepping for the trout.
Where all of the essences form to make this genius dish.
Here, taste.
Salt.
It needs salt, ha-ha! Wh what did you say? And a bit of onion, where's the onion? Onion! Wh what you would destroy th the delicate taste of trout with onion! It's a joke, it's a joke ! It's absolutely perfect, it's a joke.
You call yourself a chef? You make a joke in the middle of proofing a sauce! You know w witling.
Bragan told me, not very cordially, to help myself to supplies.
Well, i ended up with a walton special three-piece rod, a poughqueag reel, a fly box with two dozen assorted flies.
I estimated that i was about $400 on the hoof.
It was 10:30 wher.
I wanted to work the section set aside for papps until the rest came back.
Then i'd have the river all to myself.
Will you catch one for lunch, a fish? If it's big enough to keep, i will.
What is the biggest fish you ever caught? The biggest fish i ever caught? That'd have to be frankie "the shark" d'angelo.
Was he difficult to catch? Yes, he put up quite a struggle.
Now let me try, i want to ah, no no no, no no.
It'd be fun to watch you catch a fish but, see, Bragan lent this to me and, ah, but, see, Bragan lent i can't give it to you.
Now, you still smoke? I do, occasionally, not oh, pink! Pink, yes.
Pink, my favorite color.
How could i forget pink? I just want to catch a fish, why is that wrong? This is not my gear, all right? Bragan, he lent it to me so there's certain rule.
Now, listen, i'm sorry.
And i'll show you how sorry i am.
I will tell you my first thought when i saw you last evening if you'd care to hear it, would you? I'm not sure.
Oh, look at her, she's at it again.
Unbelievable.
You know, she will never change.
Come, you still play backgammon? That big ring on your husband's left hand, is it an emerald? Se.
Our so this is what i was thinking, i was thinking that your husband, he ought to display his assets a little bit more effectively.
Oh, yeah? How? Well, by combining his assets you and the emerald, you see.
See, what i would do is, i would take the emerald and i would turn it into an earring and i would put it in your right ear.
Your left ear what would i do with i'm not sure.
Anyway, that's what i would do with your right ear.
Like it, i like pearls.
Now give me that rod.
Good morning, mrs.
Kelefy.
Hard at work, mr.
Goodwin? Indeed.
I just wanted to catch a fish and this man won't give me his rod, let me use your rod.
Do you know how to use it? It takes a certain expertise.
It's all in the wrist, when you cast.
Now, how can i help you today, mr.
Ferris? I'm not sure.
I don't know what you're doing in this kitchen! (yelling) It's full of bacteria! How dare you say a thing like that! Diiingg, diiingg, diiingg! Diiingg! Don't terrify my people here! I asked you to julienne these! That is julienne! It is not julienne! It is julienne according to the french! I don't care what the french think! Ahh mr.
Goodwin.
You're fishing, too.
Eight trout.
Ah, very nice.
I ran into Bragan, he has had the audacity to catch 12.
That is no way to win an oil contract.
I mu?? Get back and show my wife.
She's out fishing right now.
You think she's caught something? She had hook in a big one.
I must go and show my fish.
I'll see you at lunch! Hoit, hoit.
Let's go, gentlemen, every second affects the texture of the flesh.
I'd only caught three fish when i started Leeson's stretch.
Then i got a hit that almost pulled me over.
I couldn't believe it.
This was the grandpa of all trout.
(papps) Look at, beautiful! That is magnificent! Mr.
Wolfe! We wish to offer you the praise that you so lavish where is he? He's gone to pack.
Good god! Thankgod.
(Bragan) Goodwin, did you see secretary Leeson? No, sir.
So unlike him.
He probably just wanted to fill up his creel.
You always exaggerate about how many fish you catch.
I got to give you a little report here.
See, i want you to know before the others.
I just found secretary Leeson downstream, clobbered.
Good heavens.
His skull is are you listening? His skull is bashed in above the temple.
His armpits are cold as can be.
Maybe we should go.
He's dead.
Perhaps we should leave.
We wouldn't get past albany.
Why the devil did you have to go fishing! I decided that more proper attire would be needed to break the news.
Mrs.
Leeson, i regret to inform you that secretary Leeson has been found down (screaming) If you have to, i will take you there.
Mr.
Bragan, i need you to call the police and a doctor now.
(man) You put a handkerchief under the dead man's head? Yes, i did.
Very sensible.
I'll get a better look at him in the hospital.
David! You, smart guy.
Inside.
I understand that the ambassador and mrs.
Kelefy and mr.
Papps have diplomatic immunity and therefore don't have to no, no, we would be very happy to cooperate.
I mean, even diplomats can be human on occasion.
On behalf of the people of the state of new york, i thank you, sir.
Now, according to your statements, you all have alibis.
Those of you who were here in the lodge have witnesses.
Those of you who were down in the river have fish i caught 12 trout! That takes time, even if they're biting.
Yes, and mr.
Ferris caught 10 and ambassador kelefy caught eight.
I mentioned i've been bothered by poachers have you investigated that angle? Well, l why not?! Because i guess we oh, nate, just bring it here.
I, uh, i wrapped it in newspaper.
Now, this was found 500 feet downstream from the bend, wedged between two rocks.
(screaming) No, no, don't look, don't look.
I'm sorry, but this was necessary.
As you can see, it's been sawed off at both ends and it wasn't in the water long enough to wash away the blood stains.
(Bragan) Of course! Poacher picked up a branch and crrk! There's pieces of wood like that in the wood pile.
If this was sawed off at both ends it means it was premeditated.
I'd have to agree.
(Bragan) Find the poacher, man! What are you wasting our time for? Well, sir, because we've come to a conclusion.
We don't like it, we don't like it at all, but a duty is a duty, no matter how painful.
What conclusion? The perpetrator of the murder is somebody in this lodge.
Now listen here, my little good captain colvin! Do you know who my guests are? I certainly do.
There was an article in the newspaper yesterday and a dispatch at headquarters from washington.
Might help to know what state the negotiations have reached.
You're out of your depth, colvin.
You certainly are.
The article mentioned there was a rivalry between you and mr.
Ferris, they said it was intense and bitter.
I assume that's a guess you're making, sergeant.
Americans do not fight with clubs, not for millions.
Anybsneaked through the woods and cked up a stick from that wood pile.
Yes, yes, but the laws of probability force us to focus on the people here.
Not just you, gentlemen.
We have Archie goodwin, and Nero Wolfe.
According to the same article, you came here to cook trout? I was asked to serve my country.
Baloney, what's the real reason? Oh, don't spoil it, mr.
Colvin.
Answer the question, why are you here? You have hinted delicately at a connection between the death of secretary Leeson and this contest of oil rights.
The one notable incident i would add to my statement is that last night mr.
Bragan arranged the seating at the table so that mr.
Ferris and mr.
Goodwin were roasted before our eyes.
Their only choice was cremation or discourtesy.
Are you through? Did you listen? Yes, brilliant, case solved.
Now, at what time did you and mr.
Goodwin have breakfast? I had mine early.
Mr.
Goodwin had his at 9:30.
Ah-ha! Is this significant? Plenty of time for goodwin to slip down to the river, kill mr.
Leeson and establish himself back on the veranda.
Wild conjectures have their place in an investigation, sir but it is better not to blab them until they are supported by at least a slender thread of fact.
Your being here stinks to high heaven.
Now what was the real reason? And don't give me any guff about trout.
Let us be explicit, do you call me a liar? I do.
Then there's no point in going on.
I'm not through with you.
Your statement, it's absolutely complete? Yes.
Theryou didn't mention? No.
Nothing notable? No.
You don't find it notable that you came here to cook the ambassador's trout that's what you say you came here for, right? Yes.
And yet, according to the cook, when you did cook the fish, you didn't include the ambassador's.
You don't find that notable? Not especially, no.
Well, i do! I looked at those fish, there's nothing wrong with them that i can see.
Ambassador kelefy, did you know that he didn't cook your fish? No, i did not, this is rather a surprise.
Can you think of any reason why not? I'm afraid not, but no doubt mr.
Wolfe can supply one.
Well, what about it, Wolfe why? Relate it to the murder, mr.
Colvin.
I don't have to.
Well, the trout are here, scrutinize them, dissect them, send them to the laboratory.
You can conduct a simple examination.
I don't believe your story, Wolfe.
I resent your tone, your diction, your manners and your methods! Only a witling would call a man of my conceit a liar.
Come, Archie.
(phone ringing) Captain colvin.
Very nice, mr.
Wolfe.
Yes, sir, how are you yes, sir.
Yes, sir, i will, thank you, sir.
That was district attorney howard jessel.
He's arriving here at 5:00.
He doesn't want me to ask any more questions gets here.
He doesn't want me to ask any more questionstil he (Wolfe) Answer the door.
There's nobody at the door.
There is a shadow.
Wolfe, i want to talk to you about something.
Mr.
Bragan, don't stand on ceremony.
Indeed, don't stand at all.
It disconcerts me to look up at people.
Look, i like the way you handled colvin.
I didn't, i want to go home.
Should have toadied him, i didn't, vanity comes high.
Home.
I well, he's a fool! The idea that anyone murdered Leeson is absurd.
Not any more absurd than the idea of a poacher selecting a log, then would you please sit down?! All right, maybe it wasn't a poacher.
Wolfe, i want you to find who killed Leeson and i want you to do it damn quickly! I can't emphasize how quickly.
This must be cleared up! Leeson murdered in my lodge the state department might decide to freeze me out.
Name your price.
I think not.
If i have a word with the district attorney, he'll take your statement and let you go back to new york.
No.
Mean, no? U the hell with appeal i have a reason.
What is it? I do not wish to disclose it.
Mr.
Bragan, you're an overbearing man, but i am a dogged one.
While i owe you the courtesy of a guest, i owe you nothing more, i decline the job.
(knocking) Come in! What do you want, ferris? Ho, ho, well, well, Bragan.
I'm glad you're here, i have something i want to say to you and i want witnesses present.
For god's sakes, ferris, there's been a murder.
Tomorrow, it'll be on the front page of a thousand papers tomorrow, i'm going to go to the district attorney and tell him the truth.
Congratulations.
About how you had a man in paris working on kelefy.
And a woman working on mrs.
Kelefy.
And how you put the screws to Leeson with some sort of blackmail.
You better watch what you say, mr.
Ferris.
As you say, there are witnesses.
You thought your dirty scheme was all set, didn't you? You had Leeson eating out of the palms of your hands, didn't you? Ha, ha, oh no, he started talking to me and he began to see the light.
I needed just one more day.
One more day to close but that day's come.
And Leeson's no longer here.
By god, you bought papps back, didn't you? You got it.
(laughing) Let go my arm.
Look, sally spiros, go away.
Can't you just leave me alone? But, you shouldn't be alone and you've come to comfort me? If i can.
Or to save your precious deal? Look, sally don't you dare! He trusted you.
(Wolfe) Pleistocene, saber-toothed hyenas hungry for each other's flesh.
Uh, yeah, yeah, right, i agree.
Listen, i think you missed a bet there, see.
If Bragan had talked the district attorney into letting us go, we'd be home in seven hours.
Archie, i'm taking another bath.
Yeah, fine, but you know, the fastest way home is to find the killer and collect the fee from Bragan.
The investigation is in captain colvin's thumbs.
(kelefy) I had hoped, mr.
Wolfe, to thank you for the meal under happier circumstances.
Yes, well, to be chosen as an instrument of hospitality on behalf of my country is a great honor.
I regret the calamity that spoiled it.
I thought it might amuse you to know how i came to make the request.
Who knows in advance what will kill him.
His insatiable curiosity.
We are, as you have guessed, still curious about you.
Merely curious? Why did you not cook the fish my husband caught? Caprice, i am a confirmed ecceric.
Still, even a caprice must spring from something.
No, no, no, a whim, a freakish dart of the mind.
I see.
I apologize for my persistence but in any cause celebre unexplained facts give rise to wild rumors.
While the fact that you did not cook my fish can't possibly be connected to the murder, the gossips will do their best to invent one.
You see my dilemma? I do.
What will be thought, what will not be thought.
Well, what if i to say that it amused me to twist the tales of highly placed persons and that it provided me with a touch of mockery not to cook your fish, how would that be? (chuckling) Excellent, you will say that? Yes, i see no objection to it.
Again, my thanks.
At the present, however, some unforeseen contingency might provide one.
Provide what, an objection? Yes, perhaps.
I would like to oblige you, but i cannot make it a commitment.
I would not ask it of you.
My gratitude.
Yes, yes.
I hope that you will permit me to proffer a token of my gratitude.
Adria, querida, i think it would be fitting for you to present this to mr.
Wolfe as a token, a symbol of our appreciation.
I do beg you to accept this as a symbol of our gratitude.
Oh, this is most unnecessary.
If it were necessary, it would not be so great a pleasure.
Come, my dear.
You wear it monday to fridays, i wear it weekends.
Well, i'm no art expert.
Could be that the brown speck and the crack at the bottom makes it more valuable but i'd give it back.
(Archie) I stared at him.
He did this only when his brain was going full tilt with all the wheels whirling and all the wires singing.
I must make a call.
A phone call, where's the phone? ? A phone call, where's the phone? Parker yes, who's this? Ah, mr.
Wolfe.
Yes, i need some information from you.
Mais il faut parler seulement francais oui.
Does that help you at all? Merci beaucoup.
District attorney jessel, he'd like to speak with you.
Yes, yes, first things first.
Mr.
Jessel, if i am to disclose the identity of the murderer of mr.
Leeson, i should like to have it done in the presence of everyone.
I wish you to gather them all in the great room.
But before i disclose the murderer, i wish to speak to the secretary of state.
Of new york? Of the united states of america, you mid-level moron.
I see, well i have a "must" too, mr.
Wolfe.
Yes? You must tell me what you're going to say! Impossible, i have a score to settle.
And you might interfere with my payment.
The murderer has foolishly offended my self-esteem you, go! I'm not gonna jasper nate.
Make the call.
Mr.
Wolfe.
This man is either drunk, drugged or insane! (papps) Let him talk.
When i arrived here, i was informed that all of you had gone fishing the day before.
And so, all had caught a considerable number of fish.
All of you, except the ambassador.
That is correct.
My luck was very bad but, as you know, today, my luck was good.
Do you know, sir, why i did not cook your fish? Caprice as you have told me, you have a very peculiar sense of humor.
It was at your suggestion that i concocted that bogus explanation.
Ahh one of yours, mr.
Bragan? (Bragan) Yes, my i did not serve them, sir, because the fish were not fresh.
Not fresh? You caught them yesterday, tied them together and left them somewhere in the creek.
Then you came in, pretending to have caught nothing.
Why would i do such a thing? To establish an alibi, sir.
You brought those fish in this morning pretending that you had spent hours catching them when in fact, you were killing Leeson.
(gasps) (gasps) (kelefy) Mr.
Wolfe, why would i want to kill my own best friend? I could not surmise that, sir.
But then, you came to my room to find out if i suspected you.
When i tacitly admitted i did, you made the mistake of offering me a bribe.
An emerald this emerald.
See, this, mr.
Jessel? This, mr.
Jessel, was the wound to my self-esteem.
A gift from an admirer.
It was a bribe, to silence me.
Had it measured up to my conceits, had it been the kohinoor diamond, or even the zabara diamond, it might have served its purpose, who can say? But it is merely a large emerald with a noticeable flaw.
This is quite fantastic.
But then, sir, you insisted that your wife hand me the emerald.
I believe your words were, "i think, my dear, it would be fitting for you to present it to mr.
Wolfe.
" Why that choice of words, sir, why was it fitting? Diplomatic speech is flowery.
But rarely without purpose.
It forced me to consider her.
Did your wife drive you to murder? Since i have been here, she has exercised her not-very-subtle charms on every male guest in this house.
Of all of them, only mr.
Leeson refused her.
Did mr.
Leeson have an affair with your wife when he served in your country? Oh, don't be absurd! Preposterous! David Leeson, he was just a boy scout.
Sir, answer me.
Sir, answer me! Yes, it was all her fault.
You had an affair with my husband in your own house! You had your claws (Archie) Take it easy, girls.
(speaking foreign language) You had your claws in him so deep, i got him called back home.
You went after him again, as soon as you saw him, didn't you? But he wouldn't have any of it.
So you told your husband everything, didn't you? In one of your famous little fits.
You had him kill David! Madam! Why in god's name did you not say this before? Because i didn't want anyone in washington to know what a fool David had been.
Besides, what difference does it make now? I mean the law cannot touch them.
Why not? He's a killer.
There's one advantage to being in the woods, mr.
Wolfe.
We can at least book him, hold him until hold your tongue, mr.
Colvin.
Not another word.
The kelefys are immune to prosecution, but we are not.
Now, i asked my lawyer to read me a statute on diplomatic im.
Archie, if you will, read the last paragraph.
(Archie) Sure, yes.
Ahem, "anyone who obtains a writ of process "in violation of this statute "and every other officer concerned "in executing a writ or process "shall be deemed a violator of the law of nations "a disturber of the public repose and shall be imprisoned for not more than three years.
" (Wolfe) Yes, which is why i insisted on speaking directly to the secretary of state.
He confirmed it.
I do not wish to spend three years in prison for exposing a murderer.
Congratulations, mr.
Wolfe.
My dear, come.
(kelefy) Spiros spiros.
Mr.
Kelefy a personal point.
Was it a also a stab at my self-esteem that you arranged for me to be here for the added fillip of gullg me? No, mr.
Wolfe.
When i expressed my desire, i had not yet contemplated actions that might arouse your prol interests.
Once i had, i thought it would be prudent not to retract the invitation.
Thank you for lunch.
Nice picture of kelefy, not many details hot him nice picture of kelefy, coming home from the airport.
S it doesn't say whether it was for the murder or ruining the oil negotiations.
I doubt if he cared much.
Thank you, Fritz.
"Death is nothing to us.
"That which is dissolved into its elements, experiences no sensations" you're using those eggs? These eggs were laid fresh this morning.
"And that which has no sensation, is nothing to us.
" So you agree with me? I shall never forgive him.
For what? I am fond of trout, and i shall never be able to savor it in just the same way again.
You'll get over it.
Where are you going? Me? Ahem, i'm going to central park zoo yeah.
I'm taking the widow Leeson.
Showing her the penguins, make her smile.
Yes, it's my mission in life to make her smile.
I need you here.
Oh, i'm sorry, my uh, my country calls duty.
The orchid list just arrived, i need you.
Oh, well, i wouldn't want to miss that.
When i get back.
(phone ringing) Oh.
Nero Wolfe's office.
Archie good uh yes, sir.
Ye ye i'll ask him, sir.
Who is it? It's the president.
What? Of the united states.
And he heard about your gourmet trout, he wants to invite you to camp David for the weekend.
Hold on, sir.
Yes, sir no, i am not interested in a subscription Archie, come back here! Archie!