Never Have I Ever (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, gods. It's Devi Vishwakumar,
your favorite Hindu girl
in the San Fernando Valley.
What's a-poppin'?
It's the first day of school, and
I thought we should have a check in.
I think we can all agree
that last year sucked
for a number of reasons.
So I thought of a few ways
you guys can make it up to me.
One: I'd like to be invited to a
party with alcohol and hard drugs.
I'm not gonna do them. I'd just
like the opportunity to say:
"No cocaine for me, thanks. I'm good."
Two: I'd love for my
arm hair to thin out.
I know it's an Indian thing,
but my forearms look like the
frigging floor of a barber shop.
And lastly, most importantly,
I'd really, really like a boyfriend,
but not some nerd
from one of AP classes.
Like a guy from a sports team.
He can be dumb. I don't care.
I just want him to be
a stone-cold hottie,
who could rock me all night long.
Thanks for considering. I love you guys.
[NARRATOR] As she said,
this is Devi Vishwakumar.
She's a 15-year-old Indian-American
girl from Sherman Oaks, California,
and it's her first
day of sophomore year.
And I am legendary tennis
player, John McEnroe.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
- [IN VIDEO] Point to Mr. McEnroe.
[CROWD CHEERING EXCITEDLY]
[MCENROE] Wow, I look great there.
Now, you may be asking yourself:
why is sports icon John
McEnroe narrating this tale?
- Dammit!
- It'll make sense later, I promise.
Her story starts when her
parents, Nalini and Mohan,
moved to the United
States in September 2001.
Not a super chill time to be
a brown person in America.
[SHRIEKS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
- [GAME CHATTER ON TV]
- Yes!
[MCENROE] Devi worshipped her father.
And while he and her mother stayed
true to their Indian roots
No, no, no, thank you.
We are vegetarians.
Devi was all-American.
But shortly after this barbecue,
things got complicated
for this little family.
At Devi's spring orchestra concert,
[COUGHING AND WHEEZING]
Mohan had a heart attack.
- [NALINI YELLS] Mohan!
- [CROWD GASPS]
[NALINI] Somebody call 9-1-1!
[STAMMERS] Somebody call an
ambulance. An ambulance, please!
- [CROWD GASPS]
- [NALINI] Mohan!
[MCENROE] He died.
- [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
- Devi was devastated,
but things were about to get even worse.
A week later
[BLOWS LOUDLY]
Devi's legs stopped working.
[MUMBLING]
[GASPS]
[BLOWS LOUDLY]
There was no medical reason why, but
they were definitely not working.
And now, she was in a wheelchair.
Just because Devi is
confined to a wheelchair,
does not make her any less human.
As far as we know, it's not contagious.
[MCENROE] But she wouldn't
have to go through it alone.
Her two best friends took
the situation in stride.
Well, maybe not in stride,
but definitely in character.
One day, you will walk again.
If not, I will build you legs.
This is Fabiola Torres, captain
of the high school robotics team.
And this is Eleanor Wong,
president of the drama club.
This is worse than if
it were happening to me.
In protest, I shan't use my legs either.
- [THUDS TO FLOOR]
- Aside from her friends,
there was only one other person
who could raise her spirits
and also her heart rate.
[MUSIC BUILDS]
Paxton Hall-Yoshida, the hottest
guy at Sherman Oaks High.
I know it's a little weird
for me to be saying that,
but come on, look at this kid's jawline.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
And as it turned out,
three months after
Devi's paralysis set in,
Paxton's chiseled face
actually worked a miracle.
[MALE VOICE] Come on,
dude. Give me a turn.
[SCREAMS WITH JOY]
Just like that, she could walk again.
So today, Devi returns to high school.
Can she shed her old identity
as the paralyzed Indian girl,
whose dad dropped dead
at a school function?
It's not likely.
Those things are pretty unforgettable,
but with working legs comes a
whole host of new possibilities.
So go get 'em, Devi!
["DANCING ON MY OWN" BY ROBYN PLAYING]
Oh ♪
[NALINI] Devi, are you still praying?
Our gods have other
stuff to do, you know?
I was about to ask for good grades.
Now, grab your textbooks. We need to go.
[NALINI GASPS] Devi,
that textbook has been blessed.
If it touches the ground,
I have to take it back to the priest.
I don't have the time to go
to Rancho Cucamonga today.
It's fine. I caught it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, Devi!
I made you a lunch.
[MCENROE] That's Devi's cousin, Kamala.
She moved in after Mohan's passing
to complete her PhD at CalTech.
Devi is not a fan.
I don't bring lunch on
Tuesdays. It's square pizza day.
Devi, don't be rude to
your beautiful cousin.
I'm not that beautiful.
[LOUD CRASH]
Sorry. Are you a model?
Oh, thank you so much.
No. I'm a biologist.
I could never be a
model. I'm too curvaceous.
I know this sounds crazy, but
would you want to get dinner?
Hey, buddy, keep it moving.
Take your broke-ass
bike and get out of here.
[NALINI] This can't keep happening.
Our recycling bins can't
take much more of this.
How long is Kamala gonna stay with us?
As long as it takes for her
to finish her studies. Why?
She's just so Indian.
Like, the other day,
she said she was gonna open the
TV instead of turn on the TV.
Devi, she's family.
She's bettering her life.
You could actually learn a bit from her.
I bet she doesn't let her
textbooks fall on the floor.
[DEVI] Oh, my God. It
never touched the ground!
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[MCENROE] As Devi walked into
school for the first time,
it was impossible not to notice
everybody staring at her.
But it didn't matter,
because she had her squad.
Have you seen the nurse's
new haircut? I love it.
[ELEANOR] No, I have to check it out.
Guys, sophomore year is gonna
be our year. I can feel it.
Sophomore actually means
"wise fool" in Greek,
so it can really go either way.
Oh, my God. I just realized
that this is our last first day
of sophomore year we'll ever have.
- I'm gonna cry.
- Right.
This reminds me of a problem I
want to talk to you guys about.
We're not cool.
Uh, would a not cool person
wear one dangly earring?
Was that a choice, or did you
lose your earring on the bus?
I didn't ride the bus. I rollerbladed.
Who says we're not cool?
We're the only students who get
to eat in the teachers' lounge.
Yeah, we can't do that anymore.
We need to eat with kids our own age.
Guys, don't you want a
better high-school experience?
I mean, last year was
a freshmen shit-fest.
Are you saying that 'cause
of your mobility issue?
What? No. Nobody even remembers that.
'Sup, FDR? [LAUGHS]
Well, nobody will remember
that once we're cool.
Which brings me to my plan.
This year, we're rebranding.
We are glamorous women of color,
who deserve a sexy high school life.
Fabiola, you are naturally snatched,
but you dress like a helpful Honda guy.
What are you talking about?
The janitor said I
reminded him of his nephew.
Favorite nephew.
Eleanor, could you chill out on
your spontaneous show tune singing?
Not likely ♪
Well, if you refuse to
change your personalities,
I guess we'll just move onto
step two, and get boyfriends.
[BOTH STAMMER] Boyfriends?
I have chosen attainable,
yet status-enhancing people
for each of us to date.
Fabiola, you get Alex Gomez.
- Ugh!
- [LAUGHS] Suck it, Gomez.
I can't go out with Alex Gomez.
He's like a foot shorter than me.
Yeah, but he has a hot face.
You'll be like Zayn and Gigi.
- Who are they?
- Zayn and Gigi.
Are you out of your
goddamn mind? Forget it.
Eleanor, you are gonna
date Boris Kozlov.
The Russian exchange student?
[CRUNCHES]
He's eating an onion.
Yeah. He's international and sexy.
You could write a play about it.
Hmm, intriguing.
Who are you going for?
Jonah Sharpe.
Oh, my God, Tiffany. Where did
you get that top? I'm gagged.
Uh Jonah Sharpe is gay.
But technically, he's not out
yet, and he's pretty popular,
so I'll be his beard until
I can springboard off of him
to a straight boyfriend.
You know you sound
like a sociopath, right?
Sociopaths get shit done, Fab.
Now, go sit next to your
marks, and lock 'em down.
[NERVOUSLY] Hi.
[HESITANTLY] Hi.
Hey, Jonah. You smell great today.
Thank you. It's Forever by Mariah Carey.
Oh.
[MCENROE] This disgusted reaction
belongs to Ben Gross, Devi's nemesis.
Because Devi and her friends
were an ethnically diverse group
of academically-focused, um
I can't think of a
better word for "dorks."
The rest of the school called them
the gently racist nickname, the UN.
It was widely known to
have been created by Ben.
Do you know when you can't use
your legs for no medical reason,
it's called psychosomatic?
Which, my dad says, means fake.
Ben Gross's father,
Howard, whom he idolized,
was a top entertainment
attorney in Beverly Hills.
This allowed Ben Gross
to dine out for years
on the fact that Blake Griffin
was at his Bar Mitzvah.
And he and Devi had been vying for
the number one spot in the class
every year since the first grade.
You might call them the John
McEnroe and Jimmy Connors
of Sherman Oaks High School.
Not to make this about me.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Good morning, you
young, brilliant minds.
Welcome to Facing History
[SMACKS LIPS] and Ourselves.
This is not gonna be your
typical history class.
We are going to be unpacking
some very difficult subjects
like, uh slavery,
and the Holocaust.
Think of this as a ride on a tour bus
through some of the darkest
moments of our history.
[MCENROE] Just then, the high school
gods chose to smile down on Devi.
[MUSIC BUILDS]
Thanks to Paxton's extreme
apathy toward school,
he was forced to retake this class,
which he failed as a sophomore.
Maybe this year was
looking up after all.
Damn.
[MUSIC STOPS]
"Damn" is right, Devi. This
is some really heavy stuff.
Genocide is not 100.
And systemic racism is not litty.
As we travel through all of
humanity's most horrific atrocities,
I want you to feel shooketh.
[TEACHER] Thank you.
Trust.
[TRASH CAN THUDS]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
But even though she told her friends
that Jonah was the one she was after,
Paxton Hall-Yoshida just
seemed so much more,
I don't know hot?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[TEACHER] Devi, Ben. Can you
come back in here, please?
I am honored to have
powerful voices in my class,
but in the past, the competition
between the two of you
has not been useful to the
learning environment of others.
[MCENROE] Devi has, what you
might consider, a short fuse,
and sometimes, she's
a straight up psycho,
which I find pretty admirable.
- [SCREAMS]
- [SHATTERS]
- [CLASS GASPS]
- So do you think you can set aside your rivalry
for the good of the class?
Well, of course, Mister Shapiro.
A great idea, as always.
I agree. In fact, I liked your idea
even more than he did. [CHUCKLES]
[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay.
Man, David, watching
you flirt with Jonah
was just about the saddest
thing I've ever seen,
and I saw my dad run over our cat.
You know he's gay, right?
Your cat? No, I didn't.
[SARCASTICALLY] That's so cool.
Word of advice: just give up.
Plenty of amazing people
have died as virgins.
You and the rest of the
UN are in good company.
You know? You shouldn't call us the UN.
- It's racist, and offensive, and
- What?
Oh, like the United Nations?
No. We call you the UN, because
you are unfuckable nerds.
[GASPS] [CHUCKLES]
- [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SIGHS]
Can you believe he said that?
What do you think, Doctor
Ryan? Do you agree with him?
[MCENROE] This is Doctor Jamie
Ryan, a child psychologist
from Toluca Lake, California.
She's Devi's therapist,
and this morning, the
woman Devi is shouting at.
Wait, you're asking me to tell
you if I think you're bangable?
- Yeah.
- Devi, I can't do that.
Ethically, legally, and most
importantly, it's creepy.
So you agree with Ben
Gross and the whole school
and think I'm a disgusting troll?
Hey, I am not going to tell
you I think you're sexy.
I will tell you that kid sucks,
and you should ignore him.
Doctor Ryan, you know how much
trouble I have taking the high road.
I do. Why don't you sit down?
So, you're back up on your feet.
That's gotta feel good.
Yeah. That part was good.
It was so nice not
to be in a wheelchair,
but people were still staring at me.
They all think I was
faking being paralyzed.
Why would I fake that?
Because it's such a cool look
to have your cousin
help you onto the toilet?
Listen, I think I've got something
that could really help you.
Paxil, Lexapro, Xanax,
Zoloft? I'll try anything.
Whoa! Knock it off, wannabe pill popper.
It's a grief journal.
Sometimes, the pain we feel
is too hard to say out loud.
This way, you don't
actually have to say it.
And if this doesn't work, you can
always prescribe me some Klonopin.
Girl, bye.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Devi, how was your first day at school?
I'll be honest. It was mixed.
I got all the classes I wanted.
Prime locker location.
Ben Gross is still a dick.
Are we allowed to say "dick" now?
No one can say "dick" in this house.
Why do let that Ben Gross rile
you up so much? He's like 5'2".
Damn, Mom! That was savage. Up top.
Ah, okay. I do not like
high-fiving. It's violent.
Can we please not do that again?
On a more civilized note,
I received some very
exciting information today.
Kamala, your parents
have found you a match
for marriage.
- They did?
- Yes! His name is Prashant. He's an engineer.
Isn't that fantastic?
[MCENROE] Kamala was expected
to have an arranged marriage
after she finished her studies abroad,
but she felt less than
enthusiastic about this idea.
Oh, that's so wonderful.
A husband from India?
Someone I've never met before.
[SARCASTICALLY] Perfect
stranger. How exciting.
I know!
Finally, some good news for this family.
Yeah. That's frigging great.
Kamala does nothing and gets
a full husband in the mail.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to trick a gay guy
into going to Johnny Rockets with me.
You know what? I'm just too
jealous to eat with you right now.
Devi
[MALE VOICE] Devi.
[ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MALE VOICE] Devi, come here.
- [CLAPPING IN BACKGROUND]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Dad?
- Come, come. Sit down.
I want to show you something.
This is John McEnroe.
He is my favorite player of all time.
[MCENROE] Hey, look at that! It's me.
I told you it would all make sense.
He doesn't let anyone push him around.
Look at him, giving
it back to that umpire.
He's a firecracker just like you.
[SNIFFLES]
Kanna, what is it?
Dad, am I ugly?
What nonsense. I'm
looking at you right now.
You're the most beautiful
girl in the world.
No. Kamala is beautiful,
and a boy at school
said that I was an un
He said something mean to me.
This boy is clearly an
idiot, like this umpire.
Do you think John McEnroe
would let that umpire tell him
that he's not beautiful?
No. He would stand up for himself.
So I should beat up Ben Gross?
What? No, no, no.
You fight back with
your spirit, little one.
You stand up for
yourself, just like him.
[OVER TV] Answer my
question! The question, jerk!
Thanks, Dad. I'll try.
Wait. What are you doing here?
This is my living room.
[STAMMERS] No, I mean, you died.
Oh, that? I'm better now.
[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
[GASPS]
[BOOK THUDS ONTO FLOOR]
[MCENROE] So the next morning,
Devi took her dad's advice
and decided to fight
back with her spirit,
AKA she would be serving a damn look.
Ben Gross better get
ready to eat his words.
[DRAMATIC UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Woah, Devi, you look
like an Indian Kardashian.
Thanks, Fab, but I thought
we were dressing hot today.
This is my boys' medium polo
instead of my usual large.
- The janitor said
- No. Just, no.
- Stop.
- [ELEANOR] Well, I know I did a good job.
Get a load of sexy flapper girl.
[DRAMATICALLY] My grandmother
died in this dress.
Okay. Let's just stick to the plan.
What's our goal for today?
- [BOTH] To make conversation.
- Right.
We're talking to the boys.
I'm gonna ask Jonah to come over
and watch unreleased
Ariana Grande footage.
Before you know it, we'll
all be boinking at prom. Okay.
Boyfriend, here I co
[THUDS INTO FLOOR]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[NERVOUSLY] Hey, Jonah.
Ew, you're bleeding.
You're getting knee blood on
the chair. It's unsanitary.
You could have AIDS.
I thought no one would bang
me. How could I have AIDS?
Easy. Blood transfusion.
Or sharing needles.
[SCOFFS] You wish you were cool
enough for intravenous drugs.
Oh. Drugs are, like,
cool now? I didn't realize
you were a hillbilly tweaker.
I guess you're skinny enough.
Uh, I'm not skinny. I'm jacked.
Hmph, for now, until you
morph into your big fat dad.
Shut up. My dad's hot.
You've no idea what he's been
through. He has thyroid issues.
Enough! We talked about this yesterday.
How can we mend the conflict of our past
when the conflict of
our present rages on?
- Boo.
- That doesn't mean anything.
Those responses were very hurtful.
Go to the principal's office.
[BOTH SCOFF]
[PRINCIPAL] Look who it is.
Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Idiot.
You will both report here after school
to do some unpaid labor in the office.
[BOTH] Like an internship?
No. Like a punishment.
You're in trouble!
I can't.
I'm supposed to go cheer on my
girlfriend's field hockey practice.
You know, I support women.
Is that why, Mister Feminist?
Or is it to watch a bunch of
teenage boobs bounce around?
[DEVI CHUCKLES]
Field hockey is a beautiful sport.
Busted. You're a perv.
And what are you laughing
at, Erin Brockovich?
Is that a skirt or a headband?
You know, get your acts together,
or I will personally call all the
Ivies and tell them not to admit you.
Get ready to get your online
degree at StDoofusUniversity.com.
You're dismissed.
["SO STRANGE" BY SUPERHUMANOIDS PLAYING]
Your stupid heels are slowing
us down. Take them off.
Yeah, I'm sure you'd like
to see my bare feet, sicko.
Foot fetish much?
Always I ♪
Drive so ♪
To see ♪
You ♪
Oh, my God! Oliver Martinez?
Stop molesting my friend!
He's not molesting
me. He's caressing me.
He's my boyfriend.
Wait. You have a boyfriend?
We had to keep it a secret.
I mean, can you imagine the shock waves
it would send through drama club?
An actress dating tech crew?
[MIMICS BOMB EXPLODING]
I just I didn't want to upstage you
while you were trying to
get a boyfriend of your own.
I can't believe you
didn't tell me and Fabiola.
[NERVOUSLY] Fabiola knows.
- [GASPS]
- [BEN] Wow.
I guess I was wrong when I said
no one would date anyone in the UN.
They just won't date you.
- Shut up, Ben!
- Ow.
I'm sorry. I just didn't know
how you would react with
your legs and everything.
I didn't want to upset you.
Me? Upset?
No. You should be upset
for your weird taste in men.
[SARCASTICALLY] Me?
I'm cool. Cool as ice.
Peace.
[DEVI SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY]
You guys saw her hit me, right?
You know, my dad's a lawyer.
[SIGHS]
[MCENROE] When you're a normal person
with genuinely balanced
reactions to things,
it may be hard to understand why
we hotheads fly off the handle.
For me, it's a reasonable reaction
to the general blindness
of most tennis umpires.
For Devi, it's a logical response
to being betrayed by her
supposed best friends.
How could Eleanor have a boyfriend
and not tell her about it?
And why would she tell Fabiola?
Does she think Devi's too
unhinged to handle it?
Or that Devi would be jealous of her?
Do both of her friends think
she's just a pitiful, lonely,
wheelchair girl without a freaking dad?
- What the hell?
- [DEVI SCREAMS]
[BOOK THUDS]
And that's how it happens, folks.
That's how we hotheads boil over.
What was that? What
happened to the window?
[STAMMERS] A bird hit it.
Bird?
This is my fault for
keeping the windows so clean.
Where is the poor bird?
It flew away.
[NALINI] It flew away?
After breaking the window with its body?
[NALINI GASPS]
Devi, that book was blessed by God!
The bird must have done it.
[ANGRILY] Devi, you are
lying to your mother,
and then bringing shame
on an innocent bird?
Just leave me alone!
[SAD MUSIC PLAYING]
Doctor Ryan?
Devi, we don't have an appointment.
I know, but I need your help.
Wait. Why do you look hot?
Do you have a date?
Uh yes, I do. And
don't look so shocked.
I do have a life outside
of being your therapist.
Not right now, you
don't. I need your help.
Okay.
What's going on?
Eleanor has a secret boyfriend
that her and Fabiola
have been keeping from me,
because they thought I was unhinged
and would have a nervous breakdown.
Which, it seems like you are.
Yeah, I'm losing it, Doc.
Okay. All right.
[EXHALES]
Talk to me. How does
their lie make you feel?
It doesn't matter how it makes me feel.
It matters how it makes me look.
Well, all right. How
do you want to look?
Normal. I just want to be a normal
girl, who isn't called mean names,
and could actually have a boyfriend.
I don't even care who he is, as
long as he wanted to be with me.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Devi, look, can I be honest with you?
Having just any boyfriend,
no matter who he is,
is not gonna make you
happier or change who you are.
Trust me, but after
all you've been through,
maybe you shouldn't be so
focused on having a boyfriend.
I mean, do you really think you'd
make a good girlfriend right now?
Probably not.
Okay.
So what is it you can do this
year to succeed at something
that would actually make you happy
and make you feel good about yourself?
["COMPOSURE" BY ARGONAUT & WASP PLAYING]
I think I know what I need to do.
All right. My girl.
Now get to gettin'. I got a hot date.
Good luck on your date.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Turn around, cause you're pretty ♪
And I like that ♪
Later, man.
Hi, Paxton.
You don't know me, but my
name is Devi Vishwakumar.
I'm a sophomore.
I sit behind you in history class.
I was also paralyzed last year?
Oh, okay, great. You
are familiar with that.
So here's the thing.
I'm into you.
Like, I could name every class
you've had for the last two years.
But I won't do that.
And I know you'd never be my boyfriend,
because you're you, and I'm me,
but I was wondering if
you would ever consider
[STAMMERS] h having sex with me?
Oh, my God. I'm such
an idiot. I'm so sorry.
- I can't believe I just did that.
- Yeah.
Okay.
What?
[MCENROE] What? That actually worked?
[PAXTON] Just sex, right?
[DEVI] Just sex.
I'm down, but I can't tonight.
Wow, okay!
Twist. This is surprising.
Looking forward to it.
Will circle back about it.
["PLAYING GAMES" BY ANNA
OF THE NORTH PLAYING]
Okay!
[MCENROE] Devi couldn't believe it.
For the first time,
she had something she wanted
to write in her grief journal.
Left you thinking in the dark ♪
Just to make you feel unsure ♪
Then I know you want me more ♪
If it's hurting, hurting, hurting ♪
Then it's working, working, working ♪
Oh, my God ♪
God ♪
I've been playing games ♪
With your heart ♪
I've been playing games ♪
With your heart ♪
I've been playing games ♪
With your heart ♪
I've been playing games ♪
With your heart ♪
I've been playing games ♪
With your heart ♪
If it's hurting, hurting, hurting ♪
Then it's working, working, working ♪
Oh, my God ♪