Never Have I Ever (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

This is Ben Gross.
He's a 15-year-old boy from
Sherman Oaks, California,
and I am American
actor, producer, writer,
and fake rapper Andy Samberg.
What can I say? I wear a lot of
hats. Now, you may be asking yourself,
"Why is Andy Samberg narrating
the story of this particular boy?"
Well, honestly, his dad's my
lawyer, and I owe him a favor,
but Ben seems like a good
kid, so, happy to do it.
Fresh off a successful wine heist
where his greatest nemesis
became an unexpected ally,
Ben felt on top of the world,
or at least on top of Model UN
where in just a few hours,
the highly coveted golden gavel
would be safely tucked away
in his weird little briefcase.
Equatorial Guinea would like
to formally request permission
to nuke the United States.
Unfortunately, for Ben, however,
his new ally decided to go
back to being his old nemesis.
What the hell, Devi?
What?
Nothing. You're the
one who's looking at me.
Had Ben imagined the nice
conversation they had last night?
Had he said something weird
while he was drunk on grigio?
And to make matters worse,
it was a six-hour drive,
and Ben realized he left his
AirPods back in the hotel room.
Hello.
Looks like you could use a seat buddy.
Egg salad? I've got extra spoons.
No, thank you.
Hey, sweetie. No time to talk.
I'm going to a self-actualization
retreat in Santa Barbara.
Didn't you just do that?
No, I went to a mindfulness
workshop in Santa Clara.
Very different philosophies,
but equally important.
Okay, sure. Uh, have fun.
It's not fun, Ben, it's work
on me
so I can be a better mom to you.
Gotta run.
Oh! You know what? I almost forgot.
You had a big debate tournament.
Did you get an A?
Actually, it was Model U
Yeah. Yeah, it was great.
Well, good work.
When I get back, let's celebrate
with a mother-son sound bath.
I love you.
Love you too.
Ben's mom and dad had a
very unique parenting style
in that they did none of it.
So, contrary to his loud,
brash school persona,
at home he was just
another quiet, lonely kid.
David S. Pumpkins and his
Beat Boy Skeletons. LOL.
Ooh!
Hey, can we please stop posting
lame upvote-thirsty memes
and get back to discussing actual
worthwhile Rick and Morty theories?
That's the problem
when subs get too big.
They become as unruly
as the Council of Ricks.
Hey, Dad. All the blogs are saying
that Kawhi's looking
strong for tomorrow.
Fantastic.
Sounds like we're in for
a hell of a game, buddy.
As friends go, up through middle school,
Ben had two solid ride-or-dies.
There was Brian Lakestone,
who got dropped off at
school on a motorcycle,
and Garret Von Kaenel,
who could burp the theme
song to Game of Thrones.
But both ended up at
different high schools,
so as soon as Ben started dating
Shira, her friends became his friends.
Unfortunately, her friends stunk.
It's also body shaming when
people say curvy is beautiful.
Because how's that supposed
to make us size zeros feel?
Yeah. I mean I even feel
that way as a double zero.
Hey, Shirs. Excited
for the game tonight?
Oh, my God. Sweetie, I totally forgot.
I told Zoe I'd go with her
to a brow sculpting pop-up.
But you told me you'd go to the
Clippers game, like, two months ago.
Do you have to get your
brow sculpted tonight?
Oh, my God. Did you not see my Snapchat?
It'll be good for my Insta.
Well, sitting courtside at an NBA game
is also pretty Gram-worthy, so
Maybe if it were a Lakers game,
but my followers don't want to see
Billy Crystal eating nachos or whatever.
The Clippers have been better
than the Lakers for years.
Never mind.
Anybody else want Shira's ticket?
- No.
- No.
Awesome.
Oh!
Again? Dude.
Hey, guys. How's it going?
So, uh, listen, you two
are into sports, right?
Either of you wanna sit courtside
at the Clippers game tonight?
I have an extra ticket.
To go with you, or to
just, like, sit alone?
No. You'd go with me and my dad.
So, like, only one of us
could go? We couldn't both go?
Like I said, it's a single ticket.
But wouldn't that be weird?
'Cause, like, we're not
really friends with you.
Come on. I mean I've known
you since kindergarten.
Maybe if we'd all hung out
before. Worked up to the game.
I thought maybe this
would be that bridge.
But yeah, never
mind. Forget about it.
That was weird, right?
Yeah, bro. He never talks to us.
Oh, but if you don't go,
we'll just take two of the
tickets and go with your dad.
- Why didn't I think of that?
- I know.
I was so proud when I thought
of that idea in this moment.
So, uh, how was your day?
Or the first half of it at least.
Babe?
- What What's happening?
- Just do it. It's cute.
Mmm.
Be smilier.
Oh, uh, okay.
Ew. You have a zit.
Do you want me to pop that for you?
I don't want that.
Mmm.
Okay, fine.
It's okay if I film it, right?
- Well, I
- Smile.
- Ooh.
- Aah!
Unfortunately, Shira
had gotten a text mid pop
and had left Ben Gross's
face looking pretty gross.
Guess what, guys? You're in luck.
Today we're doing a real
live chemistry experiment.
We're gonna be breaking good.
What is it, Eric?
Can I go to the nurse's office?
I think I drank some bad milk.
How do you know it was bad milk, Eric?
Well, when I smelled it, it smelled bad,
and then when I was drinking
it, it got way worse.
I could barely finish my second glass.
David, guess whose dad is taking
them to the Clippers game tonight?
Courtside seats.
You know, I have an extra ticket,
but only for someone who
apologizes for nuking
Stop talking to me. Don't
you get that I'm mad at you?
No. Okay, I don't get it.
What did I even do that was so terrible?
Let's see.
I don't know. Maybe
you running your mouth
about me sleeping with Paxton.
Now he's pissed at me.
- What? Why would that make him pissed?
- It doesn't matter.
Just keep your nose out of my business
and up the teacher's
butt where it usually is.
Quiet please. No one
should be boiling over
except this beaker of
potassium permanganate.
Mrs. Paloma, that's gonna be me
if I can't go to the
nurse's office. Please!
Why wouldn't Devi want everyone to know
she was hooking up with
someone out of her league?
Paxton Hall-Yoshida made
every other dude in school
feel bad about himself.
He'd gotten pit hair in fourth grade!
Had Paxton said or done
something to hurt Devi?
And why did Ben even care?
You need something, bro?
What?
Why are you looking at me?
- Well I wasn't.
- Yeah, you were. You were staring at me.
It's okay. Happens to me a lot.
- What I wasn't stirring staring.
- Then what were you doing?
Um
Do you like the Clippers?
What?
Nothing.
Forget about it.
Yikes!
The usually slick-talking Ben
Gross was for real off his game.
But no worries, the
only game that mattered
was the one he was seeing
with his dad in a few hours,
and that was gonna be awesome.
Hey, buddy. I'm so sorry.
I don't think I'm gonna make it tonight.
This Kanye deal is really complicated.
You and Shannon should
go to the game without me.
In his dad's defense,
Kanye's deal was complicated.
He wanted to trademark the word "music."
But that didn't matter to Ben,
who was surprisingly sad for someone
who should have seen this coming.
That sucks. Can you reschedule?
Typical. And her name is Shira.
We will. Good luck with work.
- Hey, Patty.
- Oh! Yes, my sweet prince.
Oh! I just ironed your
socks for the big game.
Nice and warm.
Actually, I just realized that
I got a lot of homework to do,
so I don't think I'm
gonna go to the game.
And on an unrelated note,
my dad also has too much work to do.
So I guess being a
workaholic runs in the family.
- Anyway, do you want the tickets?
- Why don't we go together?
I can bring a Ziploc bag
with frozen grapes in it, huh?
Nah. I gotta write a thing,
and, uh, do some, uh some
some science and other stuff.
Then I will stay here with you.
Why don't we build a pillow fort,
and watch a scary movie like Shrek?
It's okay, Patty.
You should just go to
the game. Take your sons.
Oh.
You're a sweet boy.
I will place my body in
front of t-shirt cannon
to bring you home souvenir.
Thanks.
Do you think Billy
Crystal will be there?
I better go put on makeup.
#eyebrows #selfcare
#thefutureisfemale
Billy Crystal sharing
nachos with his neighbor,
and she seems to be reciprocating
with a bag of frozen
grapes from her purse.
Wow. Even a city slicker can't
resist a healthy game-time treat.
I know her. That's my housekeeper.
When Billy met Patty.
Hey, aren't you on the
Rick and Morty subreddit?
You live in LA?
Born and raised. LOL.
LMAO. Same.
Yo, I'm hitting up North End
Pizza in Burbank to watch the game
if you want to come through.
I'm there, dude. Let's get schwifty.
Ben entered North End Pizza
excited at the prospect
of hanging with another
teenage comedy fan.
AreolaGrande007?
Areola. Hey.
It's me, TheRealPickleRick69
from Reddit
you know, the link aggregator.
Okay. That is not a teenager.
Uh Hi.
Hey, man. It is so great to meet ya.
Oh, my name actually is Rick.
Sit down. Get your slice on.
Uh Yeah, I'm gonna
withhold my name for a moment.
Really thought you
were gonna be younger.
Your username has a 69 in it.
Oh, that's because I was born in 1969.
But I'm young at heart, fam.
I watch mad cartoons. Just like you.
Oh, I wonder what
else we have in common.
Probably a lot.
I gotta be honest, this setup
feels sort of sketchy to me,
so I'm gonna go.
Look, I get it. I'm a 50-year-old
insurance adjuster from Tarzana.
But I'm also a Rick and Morty fan,
and I don't have anyone
to talk to about it.
I joked about getting a
Mr. Meeseeks for the office,
and my co-workers looked at
me like I was a total Jerry.
It'd just be nice to talk
to someone who gets me,
but I understand if you want to go.
Ben found himself strangely moved.
I mean, who was he to judge this guy?
He was just as lonely,
and honestly, Rick and Morty
themselves have a huge age gap,
and look at the fun they have.
You know what? You're right.
I'm sorry if I was being rude.
We're just two fans eating
pizza and talking about cartoons.
- It's totally normal.
- I know, right?
Oh, careful, buddy. That pizza is hot.
You might want to blow on it first.
Slower.
Slower.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, that's not normal.
He doesn't want to just
talk toons. Get out of there!
- Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go.
- Oh, come on, man.
It's not weird unless you make it weird.
Let's go, Clippers.
Oof! Ooh!
Ben was a resilient kid.
Whenever he experienced a setback,
and last night was a real doozy,
he always bounced back
stronger than before.
Whoops! He pulled his drawer out.
Yeah, he's sad.
Whoa!
Oh! What the hell?
Oh, no. My bad.
I thought there was like
a roach on your face, man.
'Cause there's mad
roaches in this school.
But it's just like a huge zit.
Yeah, it's cool.
You should get that looked at.
I heard that if a zit gets too big,
it can, like, leak into
your brain and kill you.
Yeah, sure. I'll do that.
All right. I guess it's
good that I slapped you
so I can give you this helpful info.
Sure. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, wait. That Clippers
game was valid, brah.
It must've been tight to sit courtside.
Benjamin, so good to see you.
I heard we had an uninvited
guest on your chin.
Yeah, I don't normally get zits.
I guess this one's probably just
an ingrown hair from my beard.
No. It looks like a normal pimple.
I actually don't see much of a beard.
Well, I'm pretty good shaving.
So that's probably why.
Yes, I'm sure.
I am going to prepare a
cortisone shot for you.
You know, Benjamin, I
really have to thank you.
You keep my Devi on her toes.
Well, she keeps me on my toes too.
Every night at dinner, I have to
hear about this rivalry of yours.
"Ben Gross aced a math test.
Ben Gross aced a history test.
Prescribe me Adderall
so I can beat Ben Gross."
She's obsessed with me.
Wait. You guys have dinner
together every night?
Of course. We're family.
All that to say,
you're a very smart boy
with a very bright future.
Your parents must be so proud.
After a pretty bleak 24 hours,
this small platitude was
more than Ben could handle.
Here comes a little pinch.
There we go.
Dammit.
I knew we shouldn't have
bought generic numbing cream.
From now on, name brand only.
Are you okay, sweetie?
I'm fine. Uh
I just I haven't eaten dinner
with anyone in a long time.
Oh, you poor thing.
I'm fine. You know, my
life is totally awesome.
I don't even know why I cried. Uh
Oh, maybe I was allergic to the shot.
Or, uh Or something.
Was there bee pollen in it?
There was not.
I like to put just one chili.
Otherwise, it kind of
overpowers the taste.
Everybody, we have a very
special guest for dinner tonight.
Kamala, please lower the
spice level accordingly.
Oh, hell no.
As he stood in his sworn enemy's kitchen
awaiting the pity dinner to come,
Ben's embarrassment had
reached a fever pitch.
How can you be so rude to that boy?
Because he sucks.
It's bad enough I have see
him every day at school.
Now we're just letting
him into our home?
So, Ben
what are you hobbies and interests?
Oh, well, I really am into
That young man is a human
being, and he's very sad.
Do you know he cried in my office today?
So many tears, I had to wipe
down the chair after he left.
That's not my problem!
We just had the vents cleaned.
It's crazy how well the sound carries.
He's going through a hard time
with his family and girlfriend,
and he had one of the nastiest
pimples I've ever seen in my career.
Oops! Dropped my pan.
I thought that would be loud for longer.
You complain you want your
friends to come over more.
- Ben Gross is not my friend.
- Why not?
He is nice, and smart, and
he could never buy drugs
because he looks like a narc.
Can't you be polite
for just one evening?
At least she said "nice" and "smart."
Those are some of the
best adjectives there are.
She also called me a narc.
You should be proud of that.
The police won't work with just anyone.
Ben, it's so good to
have you in my home,
a place I usually consider
a safe haven from my nemeses.
Devi, you promised you'd be polite.
I said it was good to
have him in our home.
If you want to stay on
the family cell phone plan,
you're going to have to be
better behaved than that.
Now, why don't you tell us one
thing you learned today at school.
Fine.
I learned that the tangent of theta
is equal to the sine of theta
- divided by the cosine of theta. Happy?
- Extremely.
Today I learned that if you forget
your wallet at the grocery store,
the cashier will pay for
your items personally,
and even give you his phone number
to make sure you get home okay.
Benjamin, I hear you were on that
last-minute Model UN trip to Davis.
Oh, it wasn't so
last-minute for everyone.
Some of us spent months
preparing for that trip.
But Devi came in with no preparation
and still became the
talk of the weekend.
- Oh. Really? Why was that?
- No reason.
If there had ever been
a perfect opportunity
to nuke Devi back, this was it.
Well, you know Devi.
She's a real firecracker.
Oh, no. What did she do?
Instead, he decided to stand down.
Nothing bad.
She just brought a lot of passion
to her role as Equatorial Guinea.
I mean, as a first timer,
I don't think anyone's
ever made such a big impact.
She, uh, truly obliterated
the competition.
Mmm, Devi, sounds like you
are quite the little diplomat.
Good for you.
You know, when I was in school,
my only extracurricular activity
was bathing my senile grandmother.
She fought me every time.
- Really?
- What? No.
Ben couldn't remember the
last family dinner he'd had.
Probably May 2018, when his dad's flight
to the Billboard Music
Awards got canceled.
And even though this family dinner
featured humiliation,
bickering, threats,
and food that was far too spicy,
it was still a family dinner.
And that was pretty cool.
Hey.
Um
Thanks for not ratting
me out about Model UN.
I've kinda been a dick
to you lately, so
I honestly would've deserved it.
Yeah, well, sometimes it's fun
to make other people's
days as shitty as yours,
but today I didn't have it in me.
What happened to you?
And why did you cry at my mom's office?
Was it just about the
giant herpe on your face?
It wasn't a big deal. I
was kinda feeling bummed.
Why? Did you butler quit?
Hey, I'm trying to be vulnerable here.
Also, we don't have butlers anymore.
- We call them house managers now.
- Okay, okay. Sorry.
Why are you feeling bummed?
I don't know.
I guess sometimes I feel
like I'm an NBA player, but
no matter how many points I
score, my dad always ignores me,
and my girlfriend only
likes me for my money.
I wish your metaphor had been
something more in my wheelhouse,
like celebrity gossip
or YouTube promposals,
but I think I understand
what you're getting at.
Also, I'm sorry if I messed
things up for you and Paxton.
Oh, you didn't.
Well, maybe if I kept my mouth shut,
then you guys would've had a chance.
I never had sex with Paxton.
What?
I never had sex with Paxton.
I just let everyone believe that I did.
Oh! So he's mad at you for
lying about having sex with him.
That makes way more sense.
I mean, we got close to hooking up.
Well, as close as you
can get without kissing.
He took off his shirt,
and I freaked out.
- I know. I'm a loser.
- Oh, you think you're a loser?
I was so lonely, I got catfished
by a middle-aged man yesterday.
Ben, you don't have to make up
something sadder to make me feel better.
For real. He was a 50-year-old
insurance adjuster from Tarzana,
and he asked me to blow on some pizza.
- No.
- Yes. It was messed up.
Ben guarded his sadness the
same way I guard my Emmy award,
by burying it deep.
I put all of my awards
in an underground bunker
with my Garbage Pail Kids,
but letting it all hang out there
left Ben feeling a little lighter
and ready to face a new day.
Give me your mechanical pencil.
I need more photos of me looking smart.
Oh. Sure. Yeah.
So you never have to accept
food from a pedo again.
Although on the surface it
didn't seem like much had changed,
today was the least lonely
Ben had felt in a long time.
Anyways, that about does it for me.
On behalf of Ben, Devi,
and the whole gang at
Sherman Oaks High School,
I'm Andy Samberg.
McEnroe, back to you.