Never Have I Ever (2020) s04e02 Episode Script

1
After an already rocky start
to her senior year,
Devi was now facing down
a full-blown avalanche.
Start talking.
How did you already ruin your car
after just having it for two days?
It's not my fault.
I just got in a fight
with this girl at school,
and
I think it was a hate crime.
You always with the hate crimes.
- And were you?
- Was I what?
- A stupid bitch.
- Mom.
It's a fair question.
Of course not. I'm the victim here.
She's the one that started it with
her dumb mouth and her dumbass face.
Uh-huh. You sound very innocent.
Nalini, don't fix it.
Make her ride around in her shame.
Damn, Pati, why you coming for me?
You ate the last Eggo
and left the empty box in the freezer.
I promise, Mom, I didn't do anything.
This girl's just a psycho.
Okay. Get in the car.
Let's go talk to your principal.
If you're telling the truth,
then this girl's parents
should pay for it.
Wait, are you gonna lay the smackdown
on this B? Noice!
Uh-oh. Hear that, Margot?
You mess with the Subaru,
you get the bumper.
Well, your plans weren't that great
To begin with ♪
I've been standing on a mountain top ♪
Put a scroll and my pen
To the great great ♪
Welcome, Mr. Ramos, Dr. Vishwakumar.
I understand we have some
very serious allegations to discuss.
I'd say they're serious.
They're actually criminal.
Yeah. Margot should be behind bars
for defacing my whip.
I
Look, look, Mrs. Grubbs,
I'm sorry this happened.
But my daughter would
never vandalize a car.
She's a well-behaved young woman.
Well-behaved? She threatened my daughter
with violence two days ago.
Only because your kid yelled expletives
at her about male genitalia.
She did what?
Well, I apologize for that.
But still, the person she just yelled at
has the clearest motive to vandalize.
Motive? What do you think this is, SVU?
I prefer the naval crimes of NCIS,
thank you very much.
All right,
I think we've strayed off topic.
Principal Grubbs, I swear I didn't do it.
First of all,
my handwriting is much better than this.
- Who crosses their Ts that low?
- Mmm, I don't know, maybe the Antichrist?
And this happened at the end of the day?
I have a double period with Ms. Nuni then,
so I couldn't have done it,
even if I deeply, deeply wanted to.
Well, we'll be conducting
our own investigation,
but between us, Margot,
you're probably off the hook.
Uh, what?
Our security cameras are from the '80s,
our security guard is in his 80s.
Plus, Margot's alibi is good.
Wh Why are we using
so much criminal language?
I'm a CSI girl myself.
But she's clearly guilty.
You're just jealous because Ben chose me.
Wait. Whoa. Wait, this is about Ben?
Ben Gross?
Girl, that's what I said.
All right, Devi,
Well, I hate to break it to you,
but it looks like you'll be paying
for your own car repairs.
What? But I'm a victim here.
Oh yeah? Really? What exactly
were you yelling about male genitalia?
Mm-mm. Nothing.
Just that I don't know what it is,
and I've never seen it before.
Well, being an adult means taking
responsibility for your belongings,
so you'll just have to use your savings.
But that's for my New York trip.
Well, you should've thought about that
before getting in a fight over Ben Gross.
Really?
Oh, is that a list? Love lists.
Yeah, we had too many girls
try out for soccer.
Gotta make some cuts,
and I'm probably gonna get kicked
in the kneecap.
That certainly isn't a problem
for the robotics team.
Because no one's athletic enough
to raise their foot?
No, no.
Well, yes, but I'm talking
about how no girls ever try out.
Guess Eric's right,
and I'm just kinda different.
What are you talking about?
You know, how most girls
just aren't into, like, tech stuff?
Are you for real?
That's not why girls don't join robotics.
It's because your team is Incel City, USA.
That's not true. Eric's far from celibate.
There is no restroom stall in the school
that he and Rosalia haven't hooked up in.
He tells us about it
at the top of every meeting.
Yeah. Do you see how women might not jump
at the chance to listen to that?
Hold up. Aneesa, are you saying
that the team
that I'm captain of is toxic?
'Fraid so, Fab. Just like the L.A. River.
Ms. Vishwakumar, you're ten minutes late.
I'm so sorry, Ms. Warner.
My car was recently a victim
of automotive misogyny.
I don't know what that means,
and I don't care.
So, Devi, this is our first official
college meeting of your senior year,
and I think I have a sneaking suspicion
as to where you might be applying.
- Princeton!
- Princeton!
And applying early, I assume?
- Uh, you know it.
- Good.
Well, now I heard
you won't be getting a Dr. Keyes rec.
You know,
after you, uh, sent her to the hospital?
Yeah. That wasn't great,
but I do have other teachers
I could get a recommendation from.
Like Mrs. Paloma, or Mr. Shapiro
Ooh, no, not Mr. Shapiro.
His recs are always soaked
in his own tears.
Yep, good tip.
You'll figure it out, and it'll be great.
Now, you know what's coming up, don't you?
Our New York trip.
Each year, Ms. Warner
took a group of honors students
to scope out
the tri-state area's best colleges.
I can't wait.
I already got an "I Pretzel New York"
T-shirt to fit in with the locals.
That makes two of us.
A campus visit looks great
on an application,
so this should really help your chances.
So now, all I need is your deposit
to secure your seat on Kirkland Air.
Wow, that's cheap, even for us.
Yeah, uh, about that deposit,
I totally have it.
I just have to take care of one teeny,
tiny, baby little thing first.
Eleven hundred dollars.
What? Are you high on gas fumes?
Most certainly, but that's also
what it's gonna cost to fix this car.
But that will completely wipe me out.
Sorry, it's the best I can do.
I mean, the vandal took up a lot of space.
I thought you could just clean it off
with a spray and a rag.
No, no, no, no.
You have to match the paint,
and Subarus are imported,
so it's gonna be pricey.
Look, Skeet, can't we just get a door
from an old clunker in a junkyard
and just swap it in?
Sure, I can do a clunk swapper easy,
but that's gonna run you
about three grand.
Damn it! Okay, you know what?
I guess I'm just gonna have to take
my business to a more economical shop.
All right. Well, good luck with that.
We are the cheapest place in town.
That's why we're called Cheap Skeet's
Auto Repair and Tanning Salon.
Oh, Kamala, I wasn't expecting you today.
Sorry for coming unannounced.
Every kid at the Pinewoods
is auditioning for Teen Hamilton,
and I just can't hear another child rap
about the Federalist Papers.
So I thought I could
just come work here today.
Of course. But do you know
what might be a better room?
The garage.
No loud noises,
no abundance of airflow to distract you.
What? Pati, why are you acting so weird?
Oh my God. Are you being held hostage?
Don't worry, I'll save you.
I took a self-defense class online.
Kamala, stop!
I'm not a hostage.
Len, come out.
Hi there. I'm Len.
- Who the hell are you?
- Kamala, please meet my white boyfriend.
- Why tell me he's white? I can see him.
- How about I fix everybody a sammich, huh?
Hey, guys, I have devastating news.
I can't go on the New York trip
because I have to pay to fix my car.
What? No.
Yeah. And now it's gonna cost me
all the money I earned this summer
working at my mom's office.
Do you know how many
disgusting skin conditions I had to see?
I saw a nostril cyst get lanced
for nothing.
But you have to come. Can't you just leave
"stupid bitch" on there?
Or is that something an enabler
of toxic masculinity would say?
Won't your mom spot you the money?
- No, she thinks it's too extravagant.
- Wow, that sucks.
It's just that every single thing
I'd hoped for for senior year
has been completely ruined
by frigging Margot.
And she's totally gonna get away with it.
I'm sorry. I know this is hard for
Yummy.
Huh?
Ladies, I have
an official announcement to make.
I'm moving on from Trent,
and that sizzling beefsteak over there
is my next meal.
Ethan? Really?
I mean, I get that he's hot,
but he's also kind of a degenerate.
Yeah, and what about Trent?
You can't just give up on him.
He doesn't wanna be with me.
He's made that very clear.
And as Dua Lipa said,
the best way to get over someone
is to get under someone else.
- I don't think that's the lyric.
- It is, Devi. It's one of her rules.
Also, look at Ethan.
He's beautiful, he's dangerous,
and it feels like there's always
a wind hitting him somehow.
It seems scientifically impossible,
but I do see it.
Well, El, as someone whose senior year
has already gone tits up, I support it.
Follow your bliss before
some jealous slore steals it from you.
Thanks, I think.
Now, which soda is the sexiest one to buy?
Squirt.
Oh my God. Am I a bro now?
Who am I?
Um, I'll be right back.
Yo, Ben. I hope you know
you're dating a straight-up psychopath.
Well, wouldn't be the first time.
Well, you know your girlfriend
wrecked my car, right?
- No, she didn't.
- Of course she did.
Who else at this school hates my guts?
Don't answer that.
- She said she didn't do it. I believe her.
- Really?
It makes more sense to you
that a total rando out of nowhere
would deface my car,
rather than the girl
who is currently furious at me?
Come on, Ben, you're smarter than that.
Look, Devi,
what is it that you want exactly?
Uh, for you to tell me
how you can be with her.
How you can date someone
who is actively trying to hurt me.
Don't you care about me at all?
I mean
I know not like that,
but I at least thought we were friends.
We are friends.
But what do you want me to do,
break up with my girlfriend?
All I'm saying is that I wouldn't stand by
and let someone do that to you.
I I don't know what to say to that.
Well, maybe you can think about it
on the New York trip,
which I can no longer afford.
Please thank Margot for that.
And as a registered doula,
it was my duty to stand by her,
so that's why I was out yesterday.
Excuse me, Ms. Nuni?
I couldn't help but overhear
your beautiful story.
By any chance did you happen to get
a substitute teacher
for your classes yesterday?
A substitute?
You think just any carbon-based organism
with a diploma could take my place?
My darling child, I think not.
- Hmm. Thank you, Ms. Nuni.
- You're welcome, strange girl.
Well, well, well.
Contrary to Margot's alibi,
there was no class yesterday.
So who's the stupid bitch now?
So wait, you have a boyfriend?
Yes, Kamala, don't look so shocked.
I'm clearly a GMILF.
Okay, simmer down.
I'm just wondering
why you kept him a secret.
Because it's so shameful.
I shouldn't be flitting about
with a boyfriend, like Carrie Bradshaw.
I should be mourning my dead husband,
like Carrie Bradshaw.
Spoiler alert.
Your husband died 20 years ago.
No one would judge you for moving on.
But they should.
Respectable widows
aren't supposed to move on.
My mother was a widow from age 22 to 104.
- That's the way you're supposed to do it.
- Is it?
Yes, widows should devote their time
to their grandchildren,
not get involved
with a silver fox who drives a Ferrari.
Len drives a Ferrari?
He test drove one.
He still has the dealership's
business card in his wallet.
But now that the cat's out of the bag,
I will end things.
- Please don't tell Nalini.
- I won't.
But I don't think
you need to break up with him.
Unlike some people in the family,
I would never ask you to do that.
What are you referring to?
Like how you told Manish
he couldn't come to the house anymore?
That doesn't sound like me.
I've always loved Manish.
Sure.
Look, all I'm saying
is wanting companionship is not shameful.
And if you just let the family
support you, we would.
All we want is for you to be happy.
Okay, who is ready to go clubbin'?
Club sandwiches.
Nirmy loves my puns.
- Hey.
- Ah.
What you working on?
Nothing.
Just a little side project.
Cool.
So listen, you know
you can tell me anything, right?
Ugh. For the last time,
I don't think your big watch
makes your wrist look dainty.
Uh, no, that's not what I was asking.
Although, I appreciate you saying that.
I just mean that if you spray-painted
Devi's car, you could tell me.
Wait, you think I did it?
No, but you did have a good reason,
so I I could understand why you might.
How can you possibly think
I would vandalize
your ex-girlfriend's car?
I don't know.
Maybe 'cause you were mad at her,
and have unlimited access to art supplies,
and currently
are smashing things in a fiery rage.
What? No, I'm not raging out.
These are for a decorative mosaic
I'm making.
Oh. Wow, that's actually quite beautiful.
Yeah, it is.
But just to rewind a second,
it kind of seems like
you trust Devi more than me.
No. No, I don't.
Sure sounds like it.
Ben, I'm your girlfriend.
You should know I'm not a criminal.
Margot Ramos,
please come to the principal's office.
Margot Ramos to the principal's office.
Mmm, you hear that, baby?
That's the sound of sweet revenge.
What did you do?
Let's just say
Margot is about to be Mar-gone.
Fun wordplay.
- Thank you. I worked on it
- Shut up, shut up.
'Sup, Ethan? Cool bruise.
Uh Yeah, I fell.
Wow, you're crazy.
Hello, class.
Today we continue our lesson on animals.
Ethan, would you like to write
the pets you have on the board?
- Nah, I'm good.
- Just write your pets on the board.
Ugh. He's so tortured.
I can't wait to crack him open
like a creaky cellar door
and explore the hidden treasures within.
Yeah, I don't think there's much going on
below the surface.
Uh, think again. The boy's got turtles.
I HAVE THREE TURTLES
Wait, just one segundo.
Did Ethan write his T's
in the same psychotic way as Margot?
Hey, Ethan, quick questch.
You didn't happen to write "stupid bitch"
on my car, did you?
Oh shit, was that your car?
I thought it was Señora Diaz's car.
She gave me an F on a worksheet.
Stupid bitch.
En Español, Ethan.
Sorry.
Perra estúpida.
Devi, you pegged the wrong guy.
It was Ethan that defaced the Subs.
Margot was innocent after all.
Ay, dios mío.
All right, Miss Ramos,
it's come to my attention
that you lied straight to my face
about being in class yesterday.
You lied?
Principal Grubbs, I'm sorry. I only lied
because I didn't wanna seem guilty.
But that doesn't mean I am guilty.
Mm-hmm. Mr. Gross, why are you even here?
Haven't you caused enough trouble,
you tiny stud?
Now, Miss Ramos,
you may be looking at a suspension.
What? No, I
Ben, I promise I did not vandalize
She didn't do it. It wasn't her.
Margot's innocent.
What?
Yeah, I did a boof. My B.
- But I did figure out who did it. It was
- No.
- Devi, mm-mm, I don't wanna hear it.
- What? But this is for real.
Devi, no!
You have wasted far too much of my time.
I mean, can we just go one day
without you creating mayhem
all around you?
As I was saying,
Margot, I believed you the whole time.
Thank you for stopping by.
Sure.
Um, Margot, I'm really sorry.
Hopefully we can laugh about this one day.
Uh
Um, but
maybe not today.
Hi. Uh, is this the science club?
My name is Fabiola.
I am captain of the robotics team.
And I just wanted to stop by to say
that we're looking for new members
if anyone's interested.
I have a pretty tight schedule,
but I might be able to squeeze you in.
Not you, Gerard.
I was sort of hoping for
some like-minded, STEM lovin' ladies.
Um, thanks for letting us know,
but I think we're gonna pass.
Okay, look,
I've recently heard some rumors
about the anti-feminist vibe of our club.
But it's not as bad as people are saying.
I mean, there's a woman in charge.
Were you in charge on Monday?
Because it was pretty bad then.
Do you even know what a motherboard is?
No, but I'm interested in learning.
I don't know,
this pack moves at a breakneck pace.
Not sure you can keep up
with the big dogs!
Excuse me.
Can you guys stop barking?
All right,
let's saw this Beanie Baby in half.
Okay, yeah, that's pretty damning.
As cool as robotics is,
no one wants to get talked down to
by a bunch of neckbeards with BO.
I get it,
but if any of you
are really interested in robotics,
I promise I'm going to change
the culture of my club,
or power down trying.
Hey.
Wow, kind of a crazy day, huh?
So look, I am so sorry
about the mix-up with Margot.
I feel really bad, but, you know
Listen, Devi, Margot asked me
not to speak to you anymore.
What?
She was pretty upset about what went down,
and I'm gonna respect that.
So you're just not gonna talk
to me ever again?
Ben, it was a misunderstanding. Come on.
Sorry, Devi.
In a single day,
Devi had lost both a roundtrip ticket
and a lover turned friend,
and there was only one dipshit to blame.
Yo, dickwad.
What the f
I'm gonna hold on to this
until you get my car fixed.
So? I have, like,
four more of those at home.
Huh. Then I'll beat you to death
with this one.
You can't go around messing with something
that belongs to someone else.
Jeez, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, you will be sorry
if you don't get
my car looking brand new ASAP.
And it better freaking sparkle,
sweetheart.
You sound like one of the Sopranos.
They call me Crazy Devi for a reason.
You wanna find out why?
No.
Fix my car, punk.
- What's up, Devi?
- Hey, Paxton.
Wait. What? Paxton?
Can't talk now, I've got an interview.
What are you guys doing?
Look, Torres,
we made a robot that gives purple nurples.
Are you kidding me?
Ahh! My nurps!
You know what people
are saying about our team?
That we're a bunch of cool geniuses
who don't know how sexy we are?
No, no one has said that ever.
People are saying that we are a group
of gatekeeping dork bros
who are unwelcoming to women.
We are not unwelcoming.
We just haven't had any girl candidates
aside from you who are up to par.
What do you mean "up to par"?
You know what, Eric?
Since you consider yourself so above par,
why don't you tell me what
a scale-invariant feature transform is?
Uh
Uh, I mean, I definitely know.
Then tell me.
If you are such an expert on robotics
and have nothing left to learn,
then tell me what that means.
I don't know, okay?
I'm an idiot. Is that what you wanna hear?
- Why are you making me feel so small?
- To teach you a lesson.
From this day forward,
this club will cease to be
a cesspool of toxic beta masculinity.
We will be inviting and inclusive,
and we will no longer make robots
whose sole purpose is to physically grope!
And maybe people
could also try wearing deodorant?
Yes!
We will be a BO-free zone. Is that clear?
Well, everyone, please welcome Michelle.
She will be
joining us?
Yeah, I'd love that.
Hello!
Who is hungry? I went to Franco's.
Did you get extra G knots?
Of course I did. You think I want
a riot to break out in my own home?
You went to Franco's?
That's all the way across town.
I thought you liked Antonio's better.
I do, but I know how much you like
Franco's baked ziti.
That's right.
Because we all care about you deeply
and wouldn't judge you
for something that makes you happy.
You're hitting it pretty hard, Kamala.
It's just pasta.
I need to tell everyone something.
I know this family looks to me
as a pillar of morality,
almost godlike in virtue,
but I'm a mere woman.
A woman with needs.
So I would like it to be known
that I'm dating someone.
I'm sorry, what?
He's a white man named Len.
Once again, you really didn't need
to mention his race.
And we've been going on clandestine,
unchaperoned lunches together.
There. The truth is out.
Disown me if you must.
Congratulations, Mami.
Yeah, get it, Pati.
Really?
You don't think I'm a common harlot?
Oh no, Nirmala Mami.
You're a woman who deserves good company.
I told you.
Thank you.
He drove a Ferrari once.
Wow.
Yo.
Yo back.
Alrighty.
So do I need to give you my keys
so you can take this to a repair shop
or something?
Repair shop?
No, I just bought a spray.
There's a spray?
- Yeah.
- How much does that cost?
- Thirteen bucks.
- Damn you, Skeeter.
You no-good son of a bitch.
So you're kind of mean, huh?
No, I just believe in justice.
Yeah. Well, whatever it is, I've never
been yelled at like that before.
I find that hard
to believe.
It's kind of hot.
Say what, bad boy?
Yeah, when you were yelling at me,
I was like
"Damn. Devi's kind of sexy."
Uh
Thank you.
Devi, no. What are you doing?
We can't like this punk.
He's your friend's crush.
Oh shit.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Give it to me slowly ♪
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Baby, won't you ride with me? ♪
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Give it to me slowly ♪
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Baby, won't you ride with me? ♪
Did it always have to go through? ♪
Did it always have to be this way? ♪