Never Mind The Buzzcocks (1996) s28e01 Episode Script

Professor Green, Roisin Conaty, Matt Healy and Gabby Logan

1 NICK GRIMSHAW: 'Thank you, the news.
'Bigger than all the news you just covered in Newsbeat 'is the fact that Rhod Gilbert is hosting Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
'It starts tonight.
Oh, Rhod, you make my dreams come true.
' MUSIC: You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oates BIRDS SING # What I want you got and it might be hard to handle # But like a flame that burns the candle # The candle feeds the flame # Yeah, yeah, what I've got # Full stock of thoughts and dreams that scatter # Then you pull them all together # And how I can't explain # Oh, yeah Well, well, you # Ooh-ooh ooh, ooh-ooh # You make my dreams come true # You, you, you, ooh-ooh # You-ooh # Well, well, well, you # Ooh-ooh ooh, ooh-ooh Oh, yeah You make my dreams come true BOTTLE SMASHES # Yeah, yeah # On a night when bad dreams become a screamer # When they're messing with the dreamer # I can laugh it in the face # Oh, yeah # Well, cos you # Ooh-ooh ooh, ooh-ooh # You make my dreams come true # You, you, you, ooh-ooh # You-ooh # Well, well, well, you # Ooh-ooh ooh, ooh-ooh # Whoo hoo You make my dreams come true # You, you, you, ooh-ooh # Oh, yeah Listen to this KNOCKING Yeah? Hey, Rhod.
Here's your coffee.
Nice one.
Is that everything, do you need anything else? Mmm! What's this? It's coffee, two sugars.
Were those sugars heaped? Quite heaped, yeah.
PUNCHING What did I tell you? You said level! And what did you bring me? It was heaped! And what is a heap? It's a mound! And to think today started so well.
CHEERING This programme contains some strong language.
Hello, welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I'm your new regular host, Rhod Gilbert.
On Phill's team tonight.
An artist whose new album was released just last week, it's called Growing Up In Public.
Let's hope his balls don't drop during the intros round.
It's plucky 30-year-old rapper Professor Green.
CHEERING And a sports presenter who recently declared she hates littering.
Although she also presents Splash on ITV so her attitude to rubbish is clearly ambivalent at best.
It's Gabby Logan.
CHEERING And on Noel's team.
He is the lead singer of The 1975, who last year opened for the Rolling Stones at Hyde Park.
It's the first time local residents complained about the terrible noise before the headliners even started.
It's Matty Healy.
CHEERING And a multi-award-winning stand-up comedian who says, "When I'm getting ready, it takes me hours just not to look mad.
" Thanks for stepping in at late notice, it's old Bedlam Face, Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, the teams.
So, the brand-new host begins his first brand-new show with a brand spanking new round.
This round is called Rumour Has It.
Rumour has it.
' - Watch out, Professor Green! - Oh! - Here comes the competition! I'll take you down in a battle, right now.
Go on, you start.
This round is all about rumours.
Did Keith Richards once refuse to eat under-chocolated Coco Pops? Was CeeLo Green the first man on the moon? Is Rihanna a horse? I'm going to show you I'm going to show you show you a picture of a musician and some clues that relate to a rumour about them.
Your task is to correctly identify the rumour.
Phill, Professor Green and Gabby, your first musician is the dreary James Blunt.
Sorry, DREAMY James Blunt.
# Goodbye, my lover Goodbye, my friend You have been the one But what rumour connects friend of the show Blunty to these objects? A turkey, a coffin and a microphone.
Phill's team.
James Blunt moved to Norfolk and started East Anglia's first necrophiliac turkey karaoke night.
That's a solid rumour right there, that's the sort of thing Blunty would do.
Until you said necrophilia, you were doing quite well.
I think I've had sex with that turkey.
Did he get the turkey to sing to him? Did he get the turkey to sing to him? How would he do that, do you think? He's got a microphone.
That turkey, look how green the grass is.
That turkey's at Wembley.
It's interesting you say about Wembley, because the rumour - originated on a Manchester United forum, this rumour.
- Right.
I can also tell you that I heard you say something about Norfolk.
- Here we go.
- Bernard Matthews? It is something to do with Norfolk.
You said it just now, Bernard Matthews, we think maybe he sang at Bernard Matthews' funeral? - Boom! - Wow.
- Is that the rumour? - That's the rumour.
Yes, apparently James Blunt was rumoured to have performed at close family friend Bernard Matthews' funeral.
Absolutely right.
You're probably expecting James Blunt gags, but this is the all-new Buzzcocks and the truth is, read his Twitter and he's a pretty cool, funny bloke.
For Christ's sake, he came fourth in a survey not long ago in the 100 most annoying things, he came fourth, he came ahead of stepping in dog shit.
For an extra bonus point, though, what else was he more annoying than? Stubbing your toe? Stabbing your toe? Stubbing.
I thought you said stabbing your toe.
You're the real deal, man.
What would it have to do? Stops me hurting other people.
Running out of milk, when you want a cup of tea.
That is irritating.
It's really annoying.
You're right, especially in the context of wanting to make tea.
You're wrong, anyway.
It's stepping in dog shit is one of them.
- Diarrhoea.
- I don't know if shitting yourself is annoying.
It's more bleak than that.
"Bit annoying, just shit myself.
"Hate it when that happens.
Anyway, let's carry on and go to the gig.
"I've got shit in my trousers!" A girl shat herself on the train next to me, that was annoying for me.
- It was awful for her.
- It's annoying for her.
- No, for me.
For her, it was damningly bad.
Her friends were, like, crying.
- She had a white dress on.
- Oh, my God.
- She had a white dress on.
- I bet that was annoying.
- It was.
White dress, "Going to my wedding, just shat myself.
" - Yeah! It was our wedding! - A bit annoying.
A little bit annoying.
Here's one for Noel's team.
It's bouffant-haired guitar botherers Van Halen.
# How do I know when it's love? I can't tell you but In Welsh their name means salt van.
But what rumour connects Sammy Hagar to these objects? A tent, a guitar and a security guard.
But what connects these things to a rumour about Sammy Hagar from Van Halen? Noel's team.
Did he chop a man's legs off with his guitar, put him in a tent? And that man said, "No more of that!" - Was that tent getting a new pair of shoes? - Sorry, is that shoes? I thought a rabbit had taken a bad selfie.
He got caught having sex with his own guitar at a festival.
- You're on the right lines.
- No way! - You're on the right lines.
Did he have sex with a security guard in a tent with a guitar? Matty is getting very warm, not just because he's wearing a rug.
I'm going to die in this rug.
Van Halen had the tent at gigs To have sex in.
But when? During guitar solos, guitar solos! Yes, guitar solos! No way! Yes, guitar solos.
That's genius! Sammy Hagar of Van Halen used to have a special sex tent backstage at gigs.
It's the security guards would pluck groupies from the audience and take them round to the sex tent Classy! .
where he would knob 'em! Mick Jagger used to like to get blow jobs while he was singing in the booth.
- Wow, you won't be supporting them again.
- No, I won't! It was the fucking worst day of my life! Nightmare.
It was like, come on.
He supported Jagger, that's amazing! Tell us more about supporting Jagger.
It was really nice, he did that quite a lot.
When he was dancing.
I tell you what, you've really given us the inside scoop there, Matty.
I didn't even get Everyone was like, what happened? - I didn't get to talk to him.
- Pretend you did.
So Mick comes over to me, right, he's like, "Love the band.
" He's like, "The album" "I really like to get a blowie when I'm giving vocals "so if you could just down here" This is the rudest show I've ever been on.
You're a pervert.
Sorry, mate.
His name is Rhod! Oh, I tell you what.
This is how they start.
After delving deeper than a deep-sea delver, I found one of these very odd rumours were subsequently proven.
For a bonus point, which one is it? Was Blunt one of the turkeys at Bernard's funeral or did Van Halen erect a sex tent? Is Bernard Matthews an actual person? I thought it was like Mr Kipling.
I think probably Van Halen, they're quite mucky pups.
I think they probably did have sex in a tent.
I don't think they had that long guitar solos.
- He likes a solo, doesn't he, Phill, Van Halen.
- Like, three minutes? - Six minutes! - But you've got to get off stage, undo.
Hey, I can do it four times in six minutes.
- But you've got to get - I could put the tent up and have sex.
Maybe he had, like, an F1 team, you go into the pits and they take his trousers off.
Right, what's your answers? I'll go with the James Blunt rumour.
Goodbye My Lover was the most popular funeral song.
2006, it was the most popular funeral song.
I'm getting Jump played at my funeral.
And I'm going to be pulled out on strings out the coffin.
THEY SING JUMP What is the answer? We're saying that James Blunt, the rumour that James Blunt sang at Bernard Matthews' funeral is the true rumour.
- That's what we're saying.
- And we're saying it's the other rumour.
You're saying Sammy Hagar used to go backstage to the tent? OK.
I can reveal that the answer is Sammy Hagar of Van Halen had a sex tent.
We have a sex tent at Buzzcocks.
I got thrown out the other day for having a threesome.
It's my own fault, it was a two-man tent.
Heh! Rumours, anyone got any rumours on the panel that they would like to dispel? Anything they're unhappy about being out there, rumours-wise? I heard that on tour, you in The 1975 have got a game called Birds Eye Potato Waffles.
Oh Yeah? Well, do you want to tell us what it is? It's not rock and roll at all.
- Isn't it? - It's a good game.
- Let's see if it's a good game.
We're here to play it tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
But due to BBC branding restrictions, we can't call it Birds Eye Potato Waffles, we've changed the name so let's all have a game of The Potato Lattice Game! Amazing, we're actually doing this! All you've got to do is say a food, that's all it is.
You've got to be quick, right, it's just one type of food, any type of food.
You've got to have time to think.
No, that's the whole point.
Birds Eye Potato Waffles, they're waffley versatile, they go with bacon.
- Egg.
- Cheese.
- Moussaka.
- Ice cream.
- Kendal Mint Cake.
- Quinoa.
- Kale.
- Biscuits! - Feta cheese! - Bulgarian cheese.
- Couscous.
- Mint sauce.
You're out, you're out.
No, I'm not! - Come on! - No way! Guys, guys, guys, this has totally backfired.
I thought it was going to be a shit game, you're all loving it.
Time now for the nation's favourite, it's the Intros Round.
Phill and Professor Green, here are yours for Gabby.
So it'ssort of - # Aaaah! - Dum dum doosssh! - # Aaaah! - Dumbedumdum doosssh! - # Aaaaah! - Bum-de-bump-de-bump, tch - # Aaaaah! - Bum-de-bump-de-bump - # Aaaah! - Em-menemem-nem man-nam-man - # Aaaah! - Em-menemem-nem man-nam-man - # Aaaah! - Em-menemem-nem man-nam-man - # Aaaah! - Em-menemem-nem man-nam-man - # Aaah! - Boom-de-boom-boom dah! Tch-tch - # Aaaaah! - Boom-de-boom-boom dah! Aaaaaah! Are you not going anywhere else with that? He's very, very good at that bit.
Aaaaah! Aaaaaaah! Uhh Oh, I feel like singing.
Gabby, come on, you got it? Oh, is it Prodigy? Oh, no.
I'll hand it over.
Naan bread! Oh, that's a different game.
- You're wrong.
- What do you mean? We didn't say anything! Go on, what is it? It is Beyonce.
Run The World.
And it should have sounded like this.
The Major Lazer one.
- That's brilliant.
To be fair.
- Really good.
Really good.
OK, next one, please.
# Dow-dow-dow-dow-dow-dow-dow-dow Beep beep beep.
Really?! I knew it, I know it! Do it again, do it again.
- # Dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah dah-dah.
- Bree-bree-bree.
- # Dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah dah-dah.
- Bree.
# - I know it.
- Apparently not! - They do know it! So please - I do know it.
- Bloody tell us then! - # Dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah dah-dah.
# What you're trying to say is you don't know it.
- Should I Stay Or Should I Go.
- Yes! APPLAUSE It was The Clash - Should I Stay Or Should I Go.
Should've sounded like this.
SONG: Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash Bree.
Whoo! Darling, you've got to let me know During one recording session The Clash's producer poured an entire bottle of red wine into their piano.
Joe Strummer flew into a rage.
He wanted it to sound rockier, but it just sounded rioja! "Come on," Strummer shouted, "I've never been treated so 'Chablis'.
" Noel and Matty, here are yours for Roisin.
You've got to stand up, mate.
I'm just not very good at this.
- Think of it as a gig.
- You're brilliant at this.
- It's me that's bad at this.
- Let me decide that! OK.
So this one starts out like this, right.
# Der-der-del-in-tin, der-der-del-in-tin # Der-der-der-der-der-der-der-der.
Der-der-del-in-tin, der-der-del-in-tin - I'm not so sure it does.
- It does! It does.
It does.
Bom-bom-bom ba-bom-bom-bom bom.
Bom-bom-bom Come on, don't look at us like that.
Bom-bom-bom bom-bom-ba-bom-bom-bowow The first bit I recognise, but this doesn't happen.
Oh, I see what's happening here! - Is it Papa Don't Preach? - It is! Whoa! It is! It is Papa Don't Preach - Madonna.
But let's hear the original.
SONG: Papa Don't Preach by Madonna No, you didn't do that, Noel.
- Close enough.
- But we got it, we got it.
- You did really well.
- Yeah, you did really well.
Let's have your next one.
- # Bom-bom-bow! - Bop-bop- bop-bop-buddah # - No, not quite.
- Join in and I'll harmony with it.
- OK.
- All right.
Don't leave me out there on my own.
# Bom-bom-bow! Bum-bum-padum-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da.
# Bom-bom-bow! Bum-bum-padum-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da.
# Bom-bom-bow! Bum-bum-padum-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da.
Bom-bom-bow! Bum-bum-padum-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da I know it.
You're doing really well.
Bom-bom-bow! - It's really good.
- Roisin, I get the impression you're stalling.
- Let's Go - It's not that.
- .
Stay In.
- No.
PROFESSOR GREEN: It's Q-Tip and it's Don't It's the Chemical Brothers - Galvanise.
Galvanise by the Chemical Brothers.
This is what it should've sounded like.
Do I get a point for the word "Don't"? I said "Don't Go Out" - and I said "Don't Stay In.
" - I should've given you a clue.
That's really good.
They did really well.
Well done them.
Olympic hero Chris Hoy says listening to the band while training was the key to his achievements.
"I'd like to thank the Chemical Brothers," he said, which is virtually word for word what fellow cyclist Lance Armstrong said as he won his seventh consecutive Tour de France.
We also heard Madonna with Papa Don't Preach.
The video for the song marked the unveiling of Madonna's second look - short cropped platinum hair and a more muscular physique.
For anyone who's counting, she's now on her 37th look.
Unconvincing Malawian ice cream man with net.
LAUGHTER At the end of that round Noel's team have three, Phill's team have two.
APPLAUSE Gabby, last time you were on the show I was hosting, I may have accidentally inferred that you were incredibly boring.
You told me about how you'd been to Steve Cram's New Year's Eve party and since then No, I learned my lesson then that you were not boring, and since then I've been looking at your blog and OMG.
ROFL, your blog is incredible.
I haven't blogged for a long time.
You haven't been watching me blog.
Why is this suddenly sounding really sexual? Yeah, it's got really It always does with me and Gabby.
I only blog on my own at home.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've invested a bit of my own money, cos I knew you wouldn't do it.
I've had your blogs published.
This is Gift Of The Gabby.
You've got copies down here.
I've got copies for all of you as well, don't worry.
- You'll all get a chance.
- Can I see? - Have a little look.
If you read on the back it says, "A real page-turner," Usain Bolt, look, says on the back.
Look at this one, this is brilliant.
Your blog for this one was called "The Green Drink.
" - Do you remember this one? - You bastard.
- What? "I tweeted a picture of the green drink I had for breakfast today.
"Lots of people asked about the ingredients and how much to use, "so I thought I would tell you what I do "and why I do it.
"I have nothing to gain from this.
"If you do need something more then a boiled egg would do the trick.
" Can you tell me a bit more about the green drink? No, you twat.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Round three is the Identity Parade.
Phill's team, how about some classic reggae pop? For the audience only, here is Wayne Wonder with No Letting Go.
# No letting go # No holding back # Because you are my baby # When I'm with you it's all that Girl, I'm so glad we've made it That was Wayne Wonder with No Letting Go, but which of our line-up is Wayne himself? Is it Have I got to say something funny about him? LAUGHTER What's he got in his arms? It's not number one.
It's not number one - Wayne Wonder.
Is it number two - a fish called wonder? Is it number three - I wandered lonely as a cloud? Is it number four - I wonder who's kissing her now? Or number five - I wonder where he's buried them? Uh, all right.
So I'm taking Rhod's advice, not number one.
- I just can't stop staring at his arms.
- Nor can I.
I kind of want to touch his arms.
- Go on, touch 'em.
- Touch his arms.
- Ask him nicely Ohhh! - Fine.
- Apparently he's got legs like shrubs.
- What's shrubs in Welsh? - We don't have shrubs.
This is the first time live on TV we're going to see somebody pop a sweat band.
It's going to go.
Stand back, everyone! The sweat band's going to blow! It's not him, you don't think? Number two.
- Oh, hang on.
- It's number two.
Oh, sorry, I've got a young person on the team.
It's number two.
Let's see if you're right.
Would the real Wayne please step forward? Aah, there he is.
There he is, Wayne Wonder, ladies and gentleman.
- Wayne, hello.
- How you doing? - What are you up to now? - I've been touring and selling yams, man.
- You've been what? - Touring and selling yams.
- Touring and selling yams.
- Yeah.
You know Usain Bolt, the yam that he ate to run fast? - Yeah.
That's what I've been selling.
You don't do merch, you just sell yams at the gig? I sold more yams than records.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Wayne Wonder, ladies and gentlemen! Go out and buy his yams! Buy his records.
Noel, Matty and Roisin, how about a little teen pop? For the audience only, here are allSTARS with Land Of Make Believe.
# Run for the sun, little one # You're an outlaw once again # Time to change # Superman will be with us while he can In the land of make believe That was allSTARS with Land Of Make Believe, but which of our line-up is band member Sam Bloom? Is it number one - Sam Bloom? Is it number two - Sam Cam? Is it number three - Sam like it hot? Number four - play it again, Sam.
Or number five - touch it again, Sam, and I'll call the police.
- What do you think, Noel? - Number one looks like a drawing of a man.
He looks like a drawing of a man that you spent ages on but then had to go to the shops at the last minute, so you just went, "Oh, it'll be all right.
" Number two's got a cute face but he's grown a beard to hide that, to make him look older so he can get cigarettes.
Number five is my Auntie June Number five, they've given him a massive top which I find annoying, trying to make him look like he's in The Borrowers.
He's not that small.
What if I tell you that he now runs a recruitment agency? - Number two.
- I'm getting a number two vibe.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, he's got tattoos all over his hands.
- Who? Who? Who? - Number two.
- Oh, what a ruffian.
- Aahh - But it says something like, "Work whore.
" I'm going to have to push you, Noel's team.
He seems quite cool.
I think it's number two.
Let's find out.
Would the real Sam Bloom please step forward? Ohhh! Whoa! Ohh! Sam Bloom, ladies and gentlemen.
What are you doing now, Sam? As you said, I run a recruitment agency.
You run a recruitment agency? We place recent graduates into their first jobs.
Aww, well done.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Bloom! And at the end of that round Noel's team have three and Phill's team have three.
So, we end the show with Next Lines.
Each week I'm going to give you a theme.
This week it's Unanswered Song Questions.
It's a draw.
Phill's team, you are up first and your time starts now.
What's she going to look like with a chimney on her? What's she going to look like with a chimney on her Repeats it.
I'll give you it.
It is "What's she going to look like with a chimney on her?" Are we human or are we dancers? Does it repeat itself? - Oh! - No.
- If it doesn't repeat itself you're buggered.
Aren't you? Let's face it.
"My sign is vital, may hands are cold.
" Human by The Killers.
Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Yes.
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me by Culture Club.
Picture round.
Name the artist.
- Ben Fogle.
- Oh, Ben Folds Five.
- Yes.
Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't Cha, Don't Cha, Don't Cha.
"Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.
" Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls.
Very exciting there.
Noel's team, and your time startsnow.
Do you really like it? Is it, is it, wicked.
We're lovin' it, lovin' it, lovin' it.
Lovin' it like this.
MC Alistair.
You're so close.
It's - "Do you really like it, is it, is it wicked? "We're lovin' it, lovin' it, lovin it.
We're lovin' it like THAT.
" Oh! Oh, you monster! You horrible You will not endear yourself to the Buzzcock crowds with moves like that.
What's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love but a second-hand emotion? I'll give you that one.
What's Love Got To Do With It by Tina Turner.
How do I live without you? # How do I live with you, I want to know How do I live without you Absolutely.
How Do I Live - Leann Rimes.
Ooh, hang on a minute.
Name the classic album.
- Fish, trout.
- Fish lover.
- Rub bass - Oh, rub - Rubber Soul.
- Rubber Soul.
- I know it wasn't really a sole, but How can we be lovers if we can't even be friends? How can we be lovers if we can't even be friends? - How can we start over - .
when the fighting never ends? How Can We Be Lovers - Michael Bolton.
What becomes of the broken-hearted? # What becomes of the broken hearted Those who've loved No, no, no Who had love THEY SING INCOHERENTLY No, no, no.
It's their time you're wasting.
END OF ROUND JINGLE No way! So the final scores are - Phill's team have six, Noel's team have seven.
Tonight's winners, seven points.
Seven points.
So that's it.
Thanks to Phill, Professor Green and Gabby, Noel, Matty and Roisin.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
I've been your new host, the artist formerly known as Rhod Gilbert.
We're all off for a backstage tent orgy, but to get us in the mood how about another round of the Potato Lattice Game? Who's up first? I'll go first.
- Onion.
- Rhubarb.
- Sugar.
- Spaghetti.
- Bacon.
- Peanuts.
- Mint sauce.
- Mint.
- Custard.
- Meat.
- Courgette.
- Lamb.
- Melon.
- Couscous.
- Chicken.
- Pasta.
- Fish.
- Pasta.
- Coriander.
- Cornflakes.
- Parsley.
- Sausages.
- Coco Pops.
- I'm out.
- Sweet potato.
- Croissant.
- Chipolatas.
- Coco Pops.
- I said Coco Pops! What a prick! Ladies and gentlemen!