NewsRadio (1995) s02e21 Episode Script
Led Zeppelin II
Okay, look, I don't want to be be a hard-ass, but I really think the key to an effective staff meeting lies in two simple words: paying attention.
Beth.
What? What did I just say? Um, something about pain and tension? Dave, what's the matter with you today, man? Lisa's ignoring him again.
She is, and that's why he's all dressed up.
DAVE: Uh-uh.
He's trying to get Lisa's attention so she'll speak to him again.
That's not true.
Oh, and one more thing.
The building has just installed new security cameras in the stairwells and foyer, so-- Hey, everybody, I think Joe has something he's like to say.
Security cam-- Man, that's totally bogus.
I don't need Big Brother looking over my shoulder Well, I'm glad they're up.
Now we can find out if that weird intern really sleeps in the stairwell.
Yeah, well, you ever hear of 1984? Heard of it.
How do you know we're not subjects of some grand social experiment, engineered by unnamed, unseen forces, headquartered under some mountain in Virginia or something? Wait a minute, Joe.
If what you're saying is true Then I still don't care.
Yeah, you're living in a dream world, Dave.
No, if I was living in a dream world, it wouldn't be quite like this.
Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
Okay, what did I miss? Oh, just the usual stuff.
You ignoring Dave, him whining about it.
Hey, Lisa Dave's looking fine today, isn't he? Why is he all dressed up? Well, why don't you ask him? Hey, Bill Why is Dave all dressed up? Hold on, I've got it.
It's not for her.
He's started dating again.
Why, you cold-hearted bastard.
I'm impressed.
Is it a lunch date? Look, just because I like to look nice for work-- He's cheating on Lisa! How can he be cheating on me if we've already broken up? They can always find a way, honey.
I ain't lying down for Big Brother, man.
How about you? Well, I'm an only child.
What? What are we looking for, anyways? Cameras.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh-- Is that one right there? Right there.
That's a fluorescent light, man.
Fluorescent light Those look weird, huh? Where do you think they are? It's right there.
Right up there.
Where? Ho.
See anybody? Look around.
No.
Get on my shoulders.
Why? Come on.
We got to get the camera.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me a little, uh Come on, man, just get up there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
I'll take my shoes off so I don't hurt you.
Could you please hold these? Okay.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Wait a minute.
Oh, a lot better.
Well, reach out and grab ahold of the mounting fixture.
Pull yourself up.
Oh, okay.
You got it? Yeah.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Hey, Joe.
Mr.
James.
What's up? What's new? Nothing.
Good, good.
How about yourself? I'm all right.
MATTHEW: Oh! [.]
Uh, I was wondering if you wanted to go over my Bob Dole piece.
Sure, sure.
Okay, how about about during lunch today? Uh, you know what? Lunch won't be good for me.
I'm sorry.
I can't make that.
Uh, why is that? Uh Why? Well, no real-- No real reason.
I just, uh, don't think I can really make it over lunch.
I'm kind of-- Kind of tied up today.
Okay, Dave, do you have a lunch date or not? Why do you ask? Because I have one.
Really? No.
But I could.
Of course you could.
You know, you could have lunch with me.
Okay, fine.
Fine.
Let's go out to lunch.
Oh, you know, today isn't really good for me.
Have a wonderful time, and that tie, it's hideous.
You bought me this tie.
Yeah, as a joke.
Well, good one.
Hey, Li-- Boy, oh, boy, do I love her passion.
You know, you two really ought to think about giving it another shot.
Yeah, well, try telling her that.
Yeah, I'll get right on that one, Dave.
Hey, have you seen my wife candidate list anywhere? Oh, yes, I have.
You left it here last week.
Oh, good, good.
You didn't try to make time with any of my ladies, did you, Dave? No, sir.
No, I didn't.
I think Loretta Swit's a little out of my league.
Join the club.
Anyway, doesn't matter, doesn't matter, because I believe I have located the winner.
Well, oh.
Well, that's great.
Yeah! Great.
Her name is, uh, her name is Ruth.
That's a beautiful name.
It's from the bible.
Which one was she? She was the one named Ruth.
Wait a minute.
I remember Ruth.
I thought you rejected Ruth a long time ago.
Well, I did, I did, but we bumped into each other, started right back up again.
Oh, really? Why'd you reject her in the first place? I had my reasons.
I just actually-- Can't remember what they are right now, but You know, we've been Wait a second.
We've been seeing each other for a few weeks, and last night-- Ahem.
She spent the night.
Ah First time? Nah, I've had sex before.
I believe she has, too.
That was the first time together, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Well, how did it go? Were you-- I mean, were you, um Compatible? Well, everything seemed to fit together with no parts left over.
What it was is, we started off slow.
She took my-- Sir, uh If you could just hold that thought for ever.
I have to go to the, uh Bathroom.
All righty.
Dave.
Remember Ruth? Oh, hi, Ruth.
Nice to see you again.
How are you? Mr.
James says such wonderful things about you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
What did he say? Well, that you're compatible.
Really? In what sense? So, your name's in the bible Which is great.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Thank you.
Dave.
Dave, you were right.
Huh? You were right.
There was a reason I rejected Ruth.
Well, what was it? Well, I wrote it right down here by Ruth's name in my personal secret code.
Uh-huh.
Well, what does that mean? I don't know, I don't know.
I change my secret code every week.
What do you think it could it be? I don't know.
Talks too much? No, no, that's a squiggly line.
See this woman right here? She talks too much.
Talks too little? No, that's a circle with a dot in the middle.
Smokes? That's a half a lung.
Oh, I thought that was a bunch of grapes.
Yeah, I could see that.
No, seriously, what do you think it could be? Um, sir, are you just trying to find an excuse to get out of this? No, no.
I really believe Ruth is the one.
I just got to figure out what it is that's wrong with her and see if I can live with it.
Well, I guess that makes sense.
Did either of you guys get a look at that chick by Catherine's desk? What a set of warheads on that battleship.
That's Mr.
James' fiancée-to-be.
Oh, but I was talking about-- I didn't mean-- I-- Okay, granted, if you want to go out on a lunch date, yes, that is your own business.
And yes, I know that we are not dating anymore, but no, I don't think it's not too much to ask-- Can this argument continue as it started: without me? It's that girl who lives in your building, isn't it? What girl? Whichever.
I don't know.
There must be a dozen of them who live in there.
Uh-huh.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
Hmm? Oh.
All right, is there anyth-- Okay, is there anything we should do-- All right, thanks.
Thanks for letting us know.
Building's on fire.
Oh, it is not that dumb girl with the big boobs from ad sales, is it? Lisa, the building's on fire.
Our building, the building that we're in right now.
It's on fire.
Ha.
Yes, right, the building is on fire.
Yeah.
Oh.
The building's on fire.
Okay, what do we do? Nothing.
It's nothing too serious.
We just have to notify the staff, and they'll call back later with specific instructions for us.
Beth.
Paying attention.
The building's on fire.
Dave, if this is a little test to see that I am paying attention-- No, the building is really on fire.
Oh, my God.
Okay, the building's on fire.
Okay, okay, what do we do? DAVE: We just need to notify the staff, all right? So I want you to-- Hang on, hang on.
What is it? It's that girl who had a crush on you in college, isn't it? Uh, Lisa, I don't think it really matters who started the fire at this point, okay? It's CATHERINE: Sunday's edition of Meet the Press, and the only response from the Buchanan camp was a "no comment.
" Bill? This just in: a fire in the lower floors of a midtown office building.
No confirmation on the severity of the blaze, but if you're driving, steer clear of the Criterion building at 59th and Madison.
WNYX news time, 11:56.
Back in two minutes.
When did that come in? Just now.
Do you have any floss? I've got something stuck right here.
Oh, God, I hope it's not bad.
No, it's just a popcorn kernel stuck between my teeth.
Bill, our building is on fire.
I guess you're right.
[ALARM RINGS.]
All right, there's nothing to worry about.
Although we should go out there and warn the others.
We'll probably need to evacuate the building.
Get ahold of yourself! What was that for? I'm perfectly calm.
I believe in preventive medicine.
Hey, you knocked the popcorn loose.
Look, it is just a small fire down on the third floor, all right, and the fire marshal asked us to stay put until it is fully extinguished.
Oh, suddenly the fire marshal is the big authority.
I, for one, propose we get the hell out of here! Who's with me? Oh, and as usual, I'm going to have to ask you all to ignore Bill.
Looking around, I see you're all two steps ahead of me.
Show of hands, come on.
Who chooses life? Bill, let me remind you Dave's in charge here.
This is not a democracy.
He's right.
This isn't a democracy.
Therefore, I propose we take a vote on making it one.
Who's with me? Catherine? All right.
That one was just for fun, wasn't it? I have been assured we will all be safe just so long as we stay put, all right? Now, I will keep everyone posted.
Thank you.
Okay.
Stop it.
Stop it! What are you people doing? He said stay put.
Sit down.
Stay put.
Matthew.
What? Matthew, I think they just meant that we should stay put on this floor.
People are free to move around within the confines of the office.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
All right? Whatever, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Oh, then, that means I can go in the break room? The break room's part of the office.
Yes.
And the booth? Yes.
What about the men's room? Sorry, no.
Ooh.
I should've peed before the fire.
Cathy, uh, let me ask you a question.
Are those implants? No, no, no.
I was talking about Ruth.
Oh, I don't know, Jimmy, it's hard to say, but I do know one surefire way of finding out.
Excellent.
Give me a second.
Mm-hmm.
Are those fake? No, they're real.
Thanks.
You heard the lady.
Cathy, you are the sly one.
[WHISPERING.]
Okay, what's going on? We're taking the stairs.
Yeah.
Look, they specifically said the safest thing for us to do is to stay right here.
They did say that was the safest thing.
That will be a great comfort to all of us when we're being identified solely on the basis of our dental records! I've got caps! Look, no one is taking the stairs and that is final.
Okay.
Let's go.
Well, no, he just said-- You don't have to listen to what he says, Matthew.
Oh, okay.
Well, in that case, I'm going to the men's room.
[WHISTLING.]
Hey, there, Ruth.
How are you doing? Hi, Beth.
You know, I'm a little nervous about this fire.
Oh, God, yeah, I know what you mean.
Tell me about it.
That reminds me, have you ever been married, and if so, was he remarkably wealthy, and if he was, did he die under mysterious circumstances? Actually, I've never been married.
Me neither.
My God, I feel so close.
Buh-bye.
No luck.
Damn! Hi, sweetie.
See you in a minute.
All right, where are you going? To the stairwell! To life! Bill, they said the safest place is to stay here.
The devil mixes his lies with the truth, people.
Let's go! Hi there.
Hey.
Hey, welcome back.
How's it going? How are you doing? Hi there! You know, I think talking pictures are going to ruin Hollywood.
Okay, um, I-- I just wanted to apologize to you for the way I've been behaving today, and I guess you're not the only one who gets jealous, and I'm sorry.
Well, um Apology accepted.
Reluctantly, because I suspect there is a catch.
What is it? No.
No, no.
Nothing? It's just that when I realized that the fire was serious-- This fire is not serious.
No matter what crazy rumors you've heard, it's not serious.
Well, fine, but I was thinking that if the fire were serious, hypothetically speaking, it would make me sad to think that we spent our last moments fighting.
Oh.
Well, how would you rather we spend our last moments, uh, hypothetically speaking? That's not relevant.
Anyway, I'm sorry again.
Uh, Lisa.
Uh, Lisa, you know, you've been very honest with me, you've been very honest, and I would like to be very honest with you.
This fire is much more serious than I've let on.
Oh, my God! I knew it! How serious is it? Do you remember the Hindenburg? Uh-huh.
So you're telling me that this place could go up any minute? Oh, yeah, in the blink of an eye, it could go up.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Who is it? Dave, it's me, Joe.
Let me in.
I got to talk to you.
All right, Joe, this had better be good and it had better be fast.
That's what I was just about to say.
I'm sorry to bug you, dude, but there's something I got to get off my chest.
Been bugging me for a while.
I guess it's, uh I don't know, man.
I guess it all stems from my parents, I mean, who aren't the most open people in the world.
We talked, but we never really talked.
You know what I mean? So Yeah.
It's hard for me when I got to say something.
It's-- Joe, I can see something's really troubling you, so, get to it! You know, I tried to keep it inside-- Yeah, well, don't.
I just feel like I'm living a lie-- Well, that's the wrong way to live.
Spit it out.
I started the fire.
It was an accident.
I was trying to sabotage the security cameras and I screwed up, and I wired them the wrong way, and I just-- I feel totally responsible-- Well, no point crying over spilled milk, now, is there? Could you go now? Could you You're not going to fire me? No, no, no.
Everything's fine.
Everything's good.
Everything's great.
You're aces.
Get out.
Okay.
Yeah, okay.
You know, while we're clearing the air Uh-huh? What? I also want to say that, uh, I was the one last week who blew up the antenna relays.
Fine.
Forgiven.
Forgiven completely.
Yeah.
Forgiven.
Go.
Also, uh, I'm the unabomber.
Who isn't? Maybe I should go get Lisa, huh? Yes! Did you want to see me? Hi.
I'll just leave you two alone now.
Thanks, Joe.
Thanks.
I'll be out here.
How's the fire? They're calling it a Dresden for the '90s.
Hey, Dave, you ever-- Whoa! What are you two doing? You having a little fling before the world goes up in flames? We're trying, sir.
Okay, okay, I'll make it quick, then.
You ever heard Ruth say anything about taking up arms against the government? I've hardly exchanged five words with the woman.
Uh-huh, were any of them about taking up arms against the government? No.
No? Well, then, I have eliminated every possibility.
Dave, Lisa, congratulate me.
I have found a wife! Congratulations! Congratulations! Well, thanks! Big step, big step.
You know, ahem, there comes a time in a man's life when change must occur.
Change Would you guys rather hear this later? Yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Carry on.
Hi, Mom? Hi.
It's me.
Um Oh, nothing, I just There's a little fire in the building where I work.
I'm sure it's no big deal, but I just, uh I wanted to call to tell you that I love you.
No, I did not start the fire! What is the matter with you? Why do you always do that? Oh, give me a break.
Give me a break! Why do I try?! [SIGHS.]
[THUMPING.]
What are they doing in there? I have no idea, but I think we're going to be needing a squeegee later.
[WHISTLES.]
Excuse me, folks.
I just want to say, everything's fine.
Fire's out.
[CHEERING.]
Thank you.
Hi.
Is the news director in? Uh, not yet.
He's one of those sensitive guys.
Dave, you'd better get out here! Dave! What? Fire's out, Mr.
Nelson.
You sure? Yes, I'm sure the fire is out.
Well, that's great news, isn't it? The fire's out, miss.
You can put your shirt back on now.
Well Ahem That was close.
Oh yeah You know, it could, uh, flare up again, you know.
Y-yeah Uh Who are we kidding? Yeah.
Well, uh See you.
See you.
I'm happy to share these ridiculously expensive cigars with all of you.
What's more, I would've been proud to spend my last living moments with such a fine group of people.
Really? That's interesting, Bill.
Because, like, an hour ago, you were complaining about having to be burnt to a crisp with a bunch of freaks you only pretend to like.
That statement was made at a very emotional moment.
I only ask you to respect that.
Well, I think our collective bravery has earned us all a long night of very hard drinking.
[CHEERING.]
Mr.
James? Ruth? Are you with us? You betcha! Uh, Jimmy Huh? Excuse us.
Just a sec, guys.
Honey What? Couldn't we get out of here, spend a little time alone together? Yeah, but the guys want to do something right here.
I know, but Well, I've told you how I feel about these people.
Well, how is that? Well, they're not the kind of people I'd want to spend time with if I didn't have to.
I mean, you've got to admit they're an incredibly weird group.
JOE: Dude, don't inhale it.
CATHERINE: Matthew! MATTHEW: But it makes me feel dizzy.
[GIGGLING.]
Bingo! What's that? Nothing, nothing.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go downstairs and I'll tell them why I can't go.
Okay? All right.
Bye-bye, sweetie! Security? Yeah.
This is Jimmy James on 14.
Code five.
Thanks a lot.
It's always something, huh? Come on, Mr.
James, have a drink.
Thanks, buddy.
[BUILDING GROANS.]
What was that? Uh, that's the building settling.
The fire must've damaged the pylons.
Wait a minute.
So are you saying this whole building may collapse at any moment? It's like, one in 100-billion-to-one chance.
Well, a chance is still a chance.
I think we ought to call the engineer.
Exactly.
You dial, and I'll talk.
Hey, does anybody want to go down to the third floor and look at the cool burnt-up stuff? Yeah! Come on, come on! [.]
Beth.
What? What did I just say? Um, something about pain and tension? Dave, what's the matter with you today, man? Lisa's ignoring him again.
She is, and that's why he's all dressed up.
DAVE: Uh-uh.
He's trying to get Lisa's attention so she'll speak to him again.
That's not true.
Oh, and one more thing.
The building has just installed new security cameras in the stairwells and foyer, so-- Hey, everybody, I think Joe has something he's like to say.
Security cam-- Man, that's totally bogus.
I don't need Big Brother looking over my shoulder Well, I'm glad they're up.
Now we can find out if that weird intern really sleeps in the stairwell.
Yeah, well, you ever hear of 1984? Heard of it.
How do you know we're not subjects of some grand social experiment, engineered by unnamed, unseen forces, headquartered under some mountain in Virginia or something? Wait a minute, Joe.
If what you're saying is true Then I still don't care.
Yeah, you're living in a dream world, Dave.
No, if I was living in a dream world, it wouldn't be quite like this.
Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
Okay, what did I miss? Oh, just the usual stuff.
You ignoring Dave, him whining about it.
Hey, Lisa Dave's looking fine today, isn't he? Why is he all dressed up? Well, why don't you ask him? Hey, Bill Why is Dave all dressed up? Hold on, I've got it.
It's not for her.
He's started dating again.
Why, you cold-hearted bastard.
I'm impressed.
Is it a lunch date? Look, just because I like to look nice for work-- He's cheating on Lisa! How can he be cheating on me if we've already broken up? They can always find a way, honey.
I ain't lying down for Big Brother, man.
How about you? Well, I'm an only child.
What? What are we looking for, anyways? Cameras.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh-- Is that one right there? Right there.
That's a fluorescent light, man.
Fluorescent light Those look weird, huh? Where do you think they are? It's right there.
Right up there.
Where? Ho.
See anybody? Look around.
No.
Get on my shoulders.
Why? Come on.
We got to get the camera.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me a little, uh Come on, man, just get up there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
I'll take my shoes off so I don't hurt you.
Could you please hold these? Okay.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Wait a minute.
Oh, a lot better.
Well, reach out and grab ahold of the mounting fixture.
Pull yourself up.
Oh, okay.
You got it? Yeah.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Hey, Joe.
Mr.
James.
What's up? What's new? Nothing.
Good, good.
How about yourself? I'm all right.
MATTHEW: Oh! [.]
Uh, I was wondering if you wanted to go over my Bob Dole piece.
Sure, sure.
Okay, how about about during lunch today? Uh, you know what? Lunch won't be good for me.
I'm sorry.
I can't make that.
Uh, why is that? Uh Why? Well, no real-- No real reason.
I just, uh, don't think I can really make it over lunch.
I'm kind of-- Kind of tied up today.
Okay, Dave, do you have a lunch date or not? Why do you ask? Because I have one.
Really? No.
But I could.
Of course you could.
You know, you could have lunch with me.
Okay, fine.
Fine.
Let's go out to lunch.
Oh, you know, today isn't really good for me.
Have a wonderful time, and that tie, it's hideous.
You bought me this tie.
Yeah, as a joke.
Well, good one.
Hey, Li-- Boy, oh, boy, do I love her passion.
You know, you two really ought to think about giving it another shot.
Yeah, well, try telling her that.
Yeah, I'll get right on that one, Dave.
Hey, have you seen my wife candidate list anywhere? Oh, yes, I have.
You left it here last week.
Oh, good, good.
You didn't try to make time with any of my ladies, did you, Dave? No, sir.
No, I didn't.
I think Loretta Swit's a little out of my league.
Join the club.
Anyway, doesn't matter, doesn't matter, because I believe I have located the winner.
Well, oh.
Well, that's great.
Yeah! Great.
Her name is, uh, her name is Ruth.
That's a beautiful name.
It's from the bible.
Which one was she? She was the one named Ruth.
Wait a minute.
I remember Ruth.
I thought you rejected Ruth a long time ago.
Well, I did, I did, but we bumped into each other, started right back up again.
Oh, really? Why'd you reject her in the first place? I had my reasons.
I just actually-- Can't remember what they are right now, but You know, we've been Wait a second.
We've been seeing each other for a few weeks, and last night-- Ahem.
She spent the night.
Ah First time? Nah, I've had sex before.
I believe she has, too.
That was the first time together, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Well, how did it go? Were you-- I mean, were you, um Compatible? Well, everything seemed to fit together with no parts left over.
What it was is, we started off slow.
She took my-- Sir, uh If you could just hold that thought for ever.
I have to go to the, uh Bathroom.
All righty.
Dave.
Remember Ruth? Oh, hi, Ruth.
Nice to see you again.
How are you? Mr.
James says such wonderful things about you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
What did he say? Well, that you're compatible.
Really? In what sense? So, your name's in the bible Which is great.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Thank you.
Dave.
Dave, you were right.
Huh? You were right.
There was a reason I rejected Ruth.
Well, what was it? Well, I wrote it right down here by Ruth's name in my personal secret code.
Uh-huh.
Well, what does that mean? I don't know, I don't know.
I change my secret code every week.
What do you think it could it be? I don't know.
Talks too much? No, no, that's a squiggly line.
See this woman right here? She talks too much.
Talks too little? No, that's a circle with a dot in the middle.
Smokes? That's a half a lung.
Oh, I thought that was a bunch of grapes.
Yeah, I could see that.
No, seriously, what do you think it could be? Um, sir, are you just trying to find an excuse to get out of this? No, no.
I really believe Ruth is the one.
I just got to figure out what it is that's wrong with her and see if I can live with it.
Well, I guess that makes sense.
Did either of you guys get a look at that chick by Catherine's desk? What a set of warheads on that battleship.
That's Mr.
James' fiancée-to-be.
Oh, but I was talking about-- I didn't mean-- I-- Okay, granted, if you want to go out on a lunch date, yes, that is your own business.
And yes, I know that we are not dating anymore, but no, I don't think it's not too much to ask-- Can this argument continue as it started: without me? It's that girl who lives in your building, isn't it? What girl? Whichever.
I don't know.
There must be a dozen of them who live in there.
Uh-huh.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
Hmm? Oh.
All right, is there anyth-- Okay, is there anything we should do-- All right, thanks.
Thanks for letting us know.
Building's on fire.
Oh, it is not that dumb girl with the big boobs from ad sales, is it? Lisa, the building's on fire.
Our building, the building that we're in right now.
It's on fire.
Ha.
Yes, right, the building is on fire.
Yeah.
Oh.
The building's on fire.
Okay, what do we do? Nothing.
It's nothing too serious.
We just have to notify the staff, and they'll call back later with specific instructions for us.
Beth.
Paying attention.
The building's on fire.
Dave, if this is a little test to see that I am paying attention-- No, the building is really on fire.
Oh, my God.
Okay, the building's on fire.
Okay, okay, what do we do? DAVE: We just need to notify the staff, all right? So I want you to-- Hang on, hang on.
What is it? It's that girl who had a crush on you in college, isn't it? Uh, Lisa, I don't think it really matters who started the fire at this point, okay? It's CATHERINE: Sunday's edition of Meet the Press, and the only response from the Buchanan camp was a "no comment.
" Bill? This just in: a fire in the lower floors of a midtown office building.
No confirmation on the severity of the blaze, but if you're driving, steer clear of the Criterion building at 59th and Madison.
WNYX news time, 11:56.
Back in two minutes.
When did that come in? Just now.
Do you have any floss? I've got something stuck right here.
Oh, God, I hope it's not bad.
No, it's just a popcorn kernel stuck between my teeth.
Bill, our building is on fire.
I guess you're right.
[ALARM RINGS.]
All right, there's nothing to worry about.
Although we should go out there and warn the others.
We'll probably need to evacuate the building.
Get ahold of yourself! What was that for? I'm perfectly calm.
I believe in preventive medicine.
Hey, you knocked the popcorn loose.
Look, it is just a small fire down on the third floor, all right, and the fire marshal asked us to stay put until it is fully extinguished.
Oh, suddenly the fire marshal is the big authority.
I, for one, propose we get the hell out of here! Who's with me? Oh, and as usual, I'm going to have to ask you all to ignore Bill.
Looking around, I see you're all two steps ahead of me.
Show of hands, come on.
Who chooses life? Bill, let me remind you Dave's in charge here.
This is not a democracy.
He's right.
This isn't a democracy.
Therefore, I propose we take a vote on making it one.
Who's with me? Catherine? All right.
That one was just for fun, wasn't it? I have been assured we will all be safe just so long as we stay put, all right? Now, I will keep everyone posted.
Thank you.
Okay.
Stop it.
Stop it! What are you people doing? He said stay put.
Sit down.
Stay put.
Matthew.
What? Matthew, I think they just meant that we should stay put on this floor.
People are free to move around within the confines of the office.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
All right? Whatever, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Oh, then, that means I can go in the break room? The break room's part of the office.
Yes.
And the booth? Yes.
What about the men's room? Sorry, no.
Ooh.
I should've peed before the fire.
Cathy, uh, let me ask you a question.
Are those implants? No, no, no.
I was talking about Ruth.
Oh, I don't know, Jimmy, it's hard to say, but I do know one surefire way of finding out.
Excellent.
Give me a second.
Mm-hmm.
Are those fake? No, they're real.
Thanks.
You heard the lady.
Cathy, you are the sly one.
[WHISPERING.]
Okay, what's going on? We're taking the stairs.
Yeah.
Look, they specifically said the safest thing for us to do is to stay right here.
They did say that was the safest thing.
That will be a great comfort to all of us when we're being identified solely on the basis of our dental records! I've got caps! Look, no one is taking the stairs and that is final.
Okay.
Let's go.
Well, no, he just said-- You don't have to listen to what he says, Matthew.
Oh, okay.
Well, in that case, I'm going to the men's room.
[WHISTLING.]
Hey, there, Ruth.
How are you doing? Hi, Beth.
You know, I'm a little nervous about this fire.
Oh, God, yeah, I know what you mean.
Tell me about it.
That reminds me, have you ever been married, and if so, was he remarkably wealthy, and if he was, did he die under mysterious circumstances? Actually, I've never been married.
Me neither.
My God, I feel so close.
Buh-bye.
No luck.
Damn! Hi, sweetie.
See you in a minute.
All right, where are you going? To the stairwell! To life! Bill, they said the safest place is to stay here.
The devil mixes his lies with the truth, people.
Let's go! Hi there.
Hey.
Hey, welcome back.
How's it going? How are you doing? Hi there! You know, I think talking pictures are going to ruin Hollywood.
Okay, um, I-- I just wanted to apologize to you for the way I've been behaving today, and I guess you're not the only one who gets jealous, and I'm sorry.
Well, um Apology accepted.
Reluctantly, because I suspect there is a catch.
What is it? No.
No, no.
Nothing? It's just that when I realized that the fire was serious-- This fire is not serious.
No matter what crazy rumors you've heard, it's not serious.
Well, fine, but I was thinking that if the fire were serious, hypothetically speaking, it would make me sad to think that we spent our last moments fighting.
Oh.
Well, how would you rather we spend our last moments, uh, hypothetically speaking? That's not relevant.
Anyway, I'm sorry again.
Uh, Lisa.
Uh, Lisa, you know, you've been very honest with me, you've been very honest, and I would like to be very honest with you.
This fire is much more serious than I've let on.
Oh, my God! I knew it! How serious is it? Do you remember the Hindenburg? Uh-huh.
So you're telling me that this place could go up any minute? Oh, yeah, in the blink of an eye, it could go up.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Who is it? Dave, it's me, Joe.
Let me in.
I got to talk to you.
All right, Joe, this had better be good and it had better be fast.
That's what I was just about to say.
I'm sorry to bug you, dude, but there's something I got to get off my chest.
Been bugging me for a while.
I guess it's, uh I don't know, man.
I guess it all stems from my parents, I mean, who aren't the most open people in the world.
We talked, but we never really talked.
You know what I mean? So Yeah.
It's hard for me when I got to say something.
It's-- Joe, I can see something's really troubling you, so, get to it! You know, I tried to keep it inside-- Yeah, well, don't.
I just feel like I'm living a lie-- Well, that's the wrong way to live.
Spit it out.
I started the fire.
It was an accident.
I was trying to sabotage the security cameras and I screwed up, and I wired them the wrong way, and I just-- I feel totally responsible-- Well, no point crying over spilled milk, now, is there? Could you go now? Could you You're not going to fire me? No, no, no.
Everything's fine.
Everything's good.
Everything's great.
You're aces.
Get out.
Okay.
Yeah, okay.
You know, while we're clearing the air Uh-huh? What? I also want to say that, uh, I was the one last week who blew up the antenna relays.
Fine.
Forgiven.
Forgiven completely.
Yeah.
Forgiven.
Go.
Also, uh, I'm the unabomber.
Who isn't? Maybe I should go get Lisa, huh? Yes! Did you want to see me? Hi.
I'll just leave you two alone now.
Thanks, Joe.
Thanks.
I'll be out here.
How's the fire? They're calling it a Dresden for the '90s.
Hey, Dave, you ever-- Whoa! What are you two doing? You having a little fling before the world goes up in flames? We're trying, sir.
Okay, okay, I'll make it quick, then.
You ever heard Ruth say anything about taking up arms against the government? I've hardly exchanged five words with the woman.
Uh-huh, were any of them about taking up arms against the government? No.
No? Well, then, I have eliminated every possibility.
Dave, Lisa, congratulate me.
I have found a wife! Congratulations! Congratulations! Well, thanks! Big step, big step.
You know, ahem, there comes a time in a man's life when change must occur.
Change Would you guys rather hear this later? Yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Carry on.
Hi, Mom? Hi.
It's me.
Um Oh, nothing, I just There's a little fire in the building where I work.
I'm sure it's no big deal, but I just, uh I wanted to call to tell you that I love you.
No, I did not start the fire! What is the matter with you? Why do you always do that? Oh, give me a break.
Give me a break! Why do I try?! [SIGHS.]
[THUMPING.]
What are they doing in there? I have no idea, but I think we're going to be needing a squeegee later.
[WHISTLES.]
Excuse me, folks.
I just want to say, everything's fine.
Fire's out.
[CHEERING.]
Thank you.
Hi.
Is the news director in? Uh, not yet.
He's one of those sensitive guys.
Dave, you'd better get out here! Dave! What? Fire's out, Mr.
Nelson.
You sure? Yes, I'm sure the fire is out.
Well, that's great news, isn't it? The fire's out, miss.
You can put your shirt back on now.
Well Ahem That was close.
Oh yeah You know, it could, uh, flare up again, you know.
Y-yeah Uh Who are we kidding? Yeah.
Well, uh See you.
See you.
I'm happy to share these ridiculously expensive cigars with all of you.
What's more, I would've been proud to spend my last living moments with such a fine group of people.
Really? That's interesting, Bill.
Because, like, an hour ago, you were complaining about having to be burnt to a crisp with a bunch of freaks you only pretend to like.
That statement was made at a very emotional moment.
I only ask you to respect that.
Well, I think our collective bravery has earned us all a long night of very hard drinking.
[CHEERING.]
Mr.
James? Ruth? Are you with us? You betcha! Uh, Jimmy Huh? Excuse us.
Just a sec, guys.
Honey What? Couldn't we get out of here, spend a little time alone together? Yeah, but the guys want to do something right here.
I know, but Well, I've told you how I feel about these people.
Well, how is that? Well, they're not the kind of people I'd want to spend time with if I didn't have to.
I mean, you've got to admit they're an incredibly weird group.
JOE: Dude, don't inhale it.
CATHERINE: Matthew! MATTHEW: But it makes me feel dizzy.
[GIGGLING.]
Bingo! What's that? Nothing, nothing.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go downstairs and I'll tell them why I can't go.
Okay? All right.
Bye-bye, sweetie! Security? Yeah.
This is Jimmy James on 14.
Code five.
Thanks a lot.
It's always something, huh? Come on, Mr.
James, have a drink.
Thanks, buddy.
[BUILDING GROANS.]
What was that? Uh, that's the building settling.
The fire must've damaged the pylons.
Wait a minute.
So are you saying this whole building may collapse at any moment? It's like, one in 100-billion-to-one chance.
Well, a chance is still a chance.
I think we ought to call the engineer.
Exactly.
You dial, and I'll talk.
Hey, does anybody want to go down to the third floor and look at the cool burnt-up stuff? Yeah! Come on, come on! [.]