NewsRadio (1995) s03e02 Episode Script
Review
[MOUTHING.]
Oh, David, there you are.
We've been saving your placein line.
Hey, Joe.
What's up, Dave? Oh, nothin' much.
So how did you hear about our little secret coffee spot? Oh, I don't know.
I guess, you know, I came into the building, saw it here in the lobby, and then, uh Oh, you know? You know what helped? Was you calling me three times last night to remind me about the big grand opening.
Well, let's keep it under our bonnets.
We don't want the common people to know about this one, right? So, what do you think? This place sucks.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! That is so funny.
Look at this.
Did you read this? No.
That is so-- [LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
What'll it be? Oh The comic.
Who drew this? What? The little cartoon.
Can you tell me who drew that? No, I-- It is so funny.
I don't know.
Do you have an order, or-- Hey, did you guys-- Which one of you drew the cartoon here with the little dog? Matthew Matthew, nobody here drew that.
I-it's a comic strip called "Dilbert.
" It's in newspapers every day.
You're kidding.
No, I assure you, I'm not.
It is sofunny.
Funny.
Yes, I know, now-- You know, some of us have jobs to get to.
Save it.
Have you seen this? You've never seen that before? Look, Matthew.
Matthew.
Would you please just order and leave people in peace? Yeah, Do you have, um fresh-fruit smoothies? EMPLOYEE: No.
Just coffee.
They don't have fresh-fruit smoothies.
They don't? Well, that is-- That is outrageous.
I suggest we take our business elsewhere.
Damn straight.
Come on, guys.
I can't believe that worked.
Some days you get lucky.
[.]
DAVE: Good morning.
LISA: Hello.
Is that the new New York Radio Guide? Yes.
It is.
Oh.
Just as boring as last year's New York Radio Guide.
Uh-huh.
Well, how's our review? I haven't read it.
You haven't? Aren't you at all curious about what our peers think of my first full year as news director? It is the New York Radio Guide.
Nobody reads it except for psychotic geeks obsessed with every little detail of the incestuous world of New York radio.
Is that the '96-'97 New York Radio Guide? It is, isn't it? It's here, everyone! It's here! The alpha and the omega has arrived.
Is there another copy of that somewhere? Conference table.
Okay.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
Is that the '96-'97 issue? Mm-hm.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, hey, can I borrow this? Uh, you don't want that one, Dave.
Well, why? You're not reading it.
No, but I am parking my gum there.
Ah.
Thanks.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you, Dave.
Dave, did your mom change her home phone number again? Oh, why do you want to know? No reason.
Here.
Did you see, uh-- See the review? Uh, no, haven't had a chance to look at it yet.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's not like we're actually in the radio business or anything.
I'm very eager to, though.
Oh, yeah, well you should be.
You know, an important critique of your first full year at the helm.
That's just the kinda thing could send a career into orbit.
I'm really more concerned with getting an objective opini-- Or it can smash you on the rocks like last year's lobster pot.
Well, the thought has occurred to me, so I-I'm understandably anxious to, you know-- To sit down and-- Oh, okay.
I won't bother you.
Well, thank-- I'll just-- I'll sit here.
[POPS LIPS.]
[POPS LIPS.]
[POPPING LIPS.]
I'm sorry.
That's-- That's all right.
I'll just, uh I-I'll sit over here.
Suit yourself.
Okay.
So, Dave, do you have any recent pictures of your Mom? Mr.
James, that's possibly the most distracting question I've ever been asked.
I-I'm sorry.
Just-- Just erase that.
Tell you what.
From now on, I'm not here.
Oh, great, great.
Where's Dave? I don't know.
I'm not here.
Here.
Dave.
What are you gonna do about this review? I-I haven't had a chance to read it yet, Catherine.
Here.
Read this right here.
"Katherine Duke is one of the finest news anchors in the city, although chronically underused.
" Yes, I-I-- No, I agree with this.
And I promise in the future we'll find ways to use you more.
Yeah.
I heard that noise before.
What're you gonna do about this, huh? They spelled my name wrong.
It's Catherine with a C.
Not with a K.
Catherine with a C is regal.
Catherine with a K is the name of a two-bit biker chick from North Jersey.
Yeah.
Like that cheap slut Katherine Hepburn.
Hey! So I guess we may safely say the critics have shined their rays of adulation upon me once again.
The relevant text is highlighted.
"Bill McNeal is adequate.
" Adequate.
Adequate.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Read it again.
Well.
"Bill McNeal is adequate.
" I'm sorry, Bill.
Sorry? Sorry you weren't singled out and deemed adequate? I don't think that's quite the superlative you think it is.
I beg to differ.
I'm not here.
I beg to differ.
After all, adequacy is the hallmark of great journalism.
No, I think it's the hallmark of adequate journalism, Bill.
And what is adequate journalism, if not great journalism? Well, it's just adequat-- We'll finish this later.
After I fulfill my duties with my customary "adequacivity.
" That's not a real word.
It is now.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[POPS LIPS.]
Goin' to the break room, sir.
Driving you crazy? Sure are.
I get that a lot.
Hey, have you read it yet? No.
It mentions you.
I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know, I know.
I read that one.
I read that one.
[LAUGHING.]
Boy.
Matthew, what are you doing? Uh, I'm cutting the, uh, "Dilbert" strips out of the newspaper.
Why? I-I-- Honestly, I think there's a good story in this.
I mean, they are so funny, Dave.
[LAUGHING.]
Really funny.
Beth, don't you have some work to do? Hey, look it.
Look it.
I know, I know, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're not looking.
I know.
David, I really think I've made some kind of discovery here 'cause the whole-- The whole Dilbert thing-- My hunch is that it's gonna go, woomf, right through the roof.
And here I am on the ground floor.
Matthew, it's just not much of a discovery.
Millions of people have already discovered the magic of "Dilbert" and enjoy it every morning.
You gotta read this one.
Dave, seriously, I think this is gonna cement me as-- As-- As a cutting-edge reporter, always one step ahead of the trends and-- Well, Matthew, you know, if-- If it will help to cement you Uh-huh? uh, then I know-- I-I have a little tip for you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Give it up.
On this discovery, uh Sliced bread.
You want in on this one? Dave, just promise me that I can do the story.
Can I? No.
Now, clean up your desk and get back to work.
Okay.
Let's see what kind of mess Mr.
D has gotten himself into today.
Okay, then at home he has this dog that talks to him about his day at work.
And he's cute.
He's this little white dog.
Does the dog wear glasses like him? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, that's somethin' I gotta see.
Okay, wait here.
I will get you one.
Oh, great.
Great.
Great, great.
[LAUGHING.]
Dave, what the hell was she talkin' about? Oh, that was-- That was, uh-- That cartoon strip, "Dilbert.
" Oh, no, hell, I haven't read the comics since I realized Beetle Bailey was never actually gonna shoot anybody.
Well, I read the review.
Oh, well, finally.
What'd they say? Oh, you haven't read it? Excuse me.
I've been a little busy here.
Why don't you just summarize it.
Well, it's good.
Yeah? It's very-- In fact, I would say with the exception of calling Bill adequate, it's great.
It's very complimentary.
It says that we do, um, a fine job with complex issues.
That we are reliable.
And describes us as the workhorse of New York City news radio stations.
Yeah, workhorse.
Ah, thank God.
The suspense was killin' me.
Hey! Hey, ladies! Ladies, did you hear? We got a good review! This review stinks.
No, it's very good.
It's very complimentary.
It's good.
It's good.
What? It's good.
It-- It says that we are a workhorse.
Yeah! Uh-huh-huh.
A workhorse.
Oh, and it also says that we are reliable.
Very reliable.
Yep.
Oh, and let's not forget fine.
Yeah, we do a fine job.
Fine job.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'm glad to see that you're all thrilled to be working at a station that is not great, innovative.
That is-- Is simplyadequate.
Well, I don't know, Bill seems happy with adequate.
Bill thinks having a bird crap on him is a compliment from the gods.
Plus they spelled my name wrong, Jimmy.
I know.
Oh! Look, it's a great review, all right? I know that for me as a newsman, I have, uh, been striving my whole life to be a fine, reliable workhorse.
It must be lonely in the middle.
It's one thing, of course, to know you're adequate, but to have a fellow member of the press stand up and say, "Yes, you, sir, are adequate," well, let me tell you, it's a very special feeling.
Lisa? Lisa? [SIGHS.]
Matthew.
[MUFFLED.]
I was thinking that if we put the stuff around the office, then we could do a story on how it affects the office harmony.
And you never let me do my own stories, anyway.
So I thought if I got the ball rolling on this one, you'd-- Matthew, Matthew, let me see if I can make this clear to you.
All right? Yes.
There will be no "Dilbert" story.
All right? So why don't you just put back the rainbows and unicorns that usually cover your desk and get to work.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
What are you doing? I'm calling the guy that, uh, wrote the review.
No, don't do that.
Relax.
Dave, relax.
Really, I am just going to give him a little bit of constructive criticism and-- Hello, Eugene? You suck! You feel-- Feel better? No, but I'm starting to.
Matthew! David, it's me, Dilbert.
Matthew wanted me to tell you a little something about the comic strip-- How many times do I have to tell you no? No.
No matter how many times you ask, the answer will remain: no.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were in the middle of a meeting.
What is wrong with you? Dave, finding "Dilbert" this morning was somewhat of a revelation.
I don't think you understand.
No.
No, I-I thought I was the only one who-- Who was afraid of his-- His other co-workers and-- And-- And-- Uh-huh.
And scared of his boss.
But I know better now.
I am Dilbert.
And you are the mean boss.
And Lisa is-- Is, uh, Dogbert or something, I don't know.
The point, though, David MATTHEW: Uh, no, no, wait.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Okay, well, I'm gonna stand right here until you read at least one-- Hey, Matthew! This is Dilbert.
Dave wanted me to tell you that there's absolutely no way.
Hey, little guy.
When you and Dave are done with your meeting I need to get in to see you.
Okay, I'm gonna take a walk.
All right? Just to cool down.
When I get back, I don't wanna see any "Dilbert" cartoons.
I certainly don't want to see them near my office.
Do you understand? Mm-hm.
And, Joe, do not pick that lock for him.
Don't pick the lock.
And don't dismantle my window.
No dismantling.
Do not, in any way, assist him in putting one foot in my office.
No feet.
Dave, Dave, is that-- Is that a Dilbert doll? Can I just see it? It's just the head, actually.
The legs and torso are in the garbage.
MATTHEW: What happened? Did you get it? Okay, okay, okay.
JOE: Okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.
Are you sure this is how they did it in the movie? JOE: Trust me, dude.
I saw Mission Impossible five times, man.
Mission--? No, I thought we were talking about Peter Pan.
I got it.
Haul me up, haul me up, haul me up.
JOE: You all right? Yeah.
Take me up.
Hey, Dave.
Hey, Matthew.
How was your, uh-- Your walk there? Oh, it was nice.
It was nice.
Beautiful day out.
So I thought I'd walk by the, uh-- Hey, didn't I say something about coming into my office? You said not to go through the door.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Or the window, or the-- Yeah.
What was the other thing, Joe? JOE: Dude, don't drag me into this.
Well, Matthew, you better start explaining fast.
All right.
Seriously, um Y-you don't listen to me.
You don't listen to my ideas, and because of that and because you locked me out both-- Both literally and spiritually, I have staged a commando raid on your office to force you to read and learn.
Oh, so, uh So you just want me to read this, huh? Yeah.
Read it, or I will be forced to tender my resignation.
Aw, really? Oh Yeah, okay.
I-I can't-- I can't do this anymore.
This is ridiculous, Dave.
I-- I cannot work in an environment that is so stifling.
Okay? I mean it.
I quit! Good day, sir.
I said, good day, sir! LISA: Okay, what if I said you were reliable in bed? What if I called you a workhorse in the sack? Well, I guess I'd have to say, "Glad to be of service, baby.
" You are so white.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know.
Hello, and welcome to Seattle Java.
Home of the coffeecino.
Are you a member of our Guzzler's Club, or would you care to become one? [LAUGHING.]
Matthew, what are you doing here? I'm taking your order.
Would you like to have a nice frappe mocha? Okay, Matthew, you've made your point.
Albeit in the most moronic way possible, but, uh, you've made it, so what do you say we go up to the office? David, I'm sorry.
The only orders I'm gonna take from you anymore are gonna be right here.
[BEEPING.]
Do-- Do you want anything? 'Cause we're very, very quite busy.
Matthew.
Come back to the office.
Next! Next! Next! Next! Feet off the couch.
Oh, I can't believe he's out of our lives.
Matthew is not out of our lives.
He's not even out of our building.
He's right downstairs, working at that new coffee place.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, Dave, it's not funny.
Oh, my God.
That must be so demeaning.
Just making coffee for people all day.
Wait a minute.
Don't worry.
I can persuade him to come back.
Well, you better persuade him to come back, Dave, seeing as how you were the one who persuaded him to leave.
No, I didn't.
No-- Feet.
Although, I did play a-- An important role in his dire situation, I'm not the one that threw the major spaz.
Uh-huh.
And what do you call ripping the head off the Dilbert doll? Mercy killing.
Well, why don't you just agree to read his stupid comic strips and that'll be the end of it? Well You talkin' about Spaz? Yeah.
Mm-hm.
May I make a suggestion? Sure.
Let him sling coffee for a few more hours.
He'll get bored.
He'll realize he misses all of us.
He'll come back on his own.
And when he does come crawling back, that's when you kick him away! Those of us who are adequate don't need his type around.
I'll go down and talk to him again in a couple of hours.
Dave, why don't you just go right now.
I don't need a refill right now.
Well, I'm off to astonish the world with more feats of "adequataquaticism.
" Not a word.
Don't care, my friend.
Hey, Bill, everything going adequately? Very adequately, sir.
I'm virtually bursting with "adequatulence.
" Okay, look.
You think I don't know adequate sucks? Of course I know.
Being called adequate is like getting C-minuses in grade school, and I'm not used to getting C-minuses.
I-I know what it's like when you're an A student.
No.
I got straight C-minuses, but I never got used to it! Well, why didn't you admit that it hurt? I tried to talk to you about it yesterday, but you were behind closed doors with your little doll friend.
Everything else about this station is reliable and workhorse-like, but I'm merely adequate? Okay, Bill Do you think I was happy with reliable and workhorse? You know what a workhorse is? It's a big Clydesdale pulling a big beer wagon through the state fair with a bunch of drunk yahoos throwing cherry bombs at it.
You miss Wisconsin, don't you? That thing was like a-a dagger in my heart, all right? I just didn't want Mr.
James to know we'd gotten a bad review.
JIMMY: Oh, jeez, for cryin' out loud, fellas! I thought it was a good review.
Me too! Yeah, nice try, Dave.
I don't know, I guess next time I write a review, I ought to use a thesaurus, huh? You wrote the review? Why not? I own the damn magazine.
Look, I was just trying to give everybody a nice good pat on the back.
Towel.
Isn't that a conflict of interest? No! No, no, no, no.
Well, yeah.
These days we'd call that synergy.
Look, the only mistake I made was spelling Catherine's name wrong and thatI have taken care of.
How? I'm puttin' her on the cover next year.
All right, um, Matthew, we are all here to ask you to come back to work.
Nothin' doin'.
Very, very happy here.
Matthew, doesn't it mean anything to you that we've all humbled ourselves like this coming down here? Oh, I didn't realize I was humbling myself.
Dude, come on, man.
Just come back to work.
Not unless I can do my "Dilbert" story.
[SIGHS.]
All right, um Come on up.
Well, Matthew, do you know who this is? No.
Hi, Matthew.
Scott Adams.
Oh, my God! The Scott Adams? The creator of "Dilbert"? The one and only.
Yes, oh, um, Dave here told me a little about the situation, and I have to say, Dilbert would never do this.
What? What do you mean? Dilbert would never quit a job in a place where people loved him and cared about him and-- And accepted him for who he is.
Mm-hm.
Oh, come on, Matthew.
Come back to your family.
Do it for Dilbert.
Do it for Dogbert.
Do it forMatthewbert.
Wow, Matthewbert.
Soare you gonna come back to work? Yes.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Let me-- Let me-- Let me get my stuff.
DAVE: All right.
Okay.
Dave, aren't you gonna introduce me to Scott Adams? Oh, well, this is not really Scott Adams.
Uh, he's an actor who lives across the hall from me.
Uh, Doug, I'd like you to meet Catherine Duke.
Hi.
Hey, that was great, Doug, that was great.
Did you want anything else, Dave? No, you should probably get out of here before Matthew comes back and tries to get you to draw Dilbert on his chest.
I'm serious.
He would do that.
You should get out of here.
in such a stifling work environment! All right? I quit! Good day, sir! Coffee, Dave? Oh, thanks.
No problem.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Beth, would you get that? WNYX.
Dave Nelson's office.
Oh, my God, hi.
It's for me, Dave.
DAVE: What? BETH: Uh-huh.
No, I had no idea.
Oh, David, there you are.
We've been saving your placein line.
Hey, Joe.
What's up, Dave? Oh, nothin' much.
So how did you hear about our little secret coffee spot? Oh, I don't know.
I guess, you know, I came into the building, saw it here in the lobby, and then, uh Oh, you know? You know what helped? Was you calling me three times last night to remind me about the big grand opening.
Well, let's keep it under our bonnets.
We don't want the common people to know about this one, right? So, what do you think? This place sucks.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! That is so funny.
Look at this.
Did you read this? No.
That is so-- [LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
What'll it be? Oh The comic.
Who drew this? What? The little cartoon.
Can you tell me who drew that? No, I-- It is so funny.
I don't know.
Do you have an order, or-- Hey, did you guys-- Which one of you drew the cartoon here with the little dog? Matthew Matthew, nobody here drew that.
I-it's a comic strip called "Dilbert.
" It's in newspapers every day.
You're kidding.
No, I assure you, I'm not.
It is sofunny.
Funny.
Yes, I know, now-- You know, some of us have jobs to get to.
Save it.
Have you seen this? You've never seen that before? Look, Matthew.
Matthew.
Would you please just order and leave people in peace? Yeah, Do you have, um fresh-fruit smoothies? EMPLOYEE: No.
Just coffee.
They don't have fresh-fruit smoothies.
They don't? Well, that is-- That is outrageous.
I suggest we take our business elsewhere.
Damn straight.
Come on, guys.
I can't believe that worked.
Some days you get lucky.
[.]
DAVE: Good morning.
LISA: Hello.
Is that the new New York Radio Guide? Yes.
It is.
Oh.
Just as boring as last year's New York Radio Guide.
Uh-huh.
Well, how's our review? I haven't read it.
You haven't? Aren't you at all curious about what our peers think of my first full year as news director? It is the New York Radio Guide.
Nobody reads it except for psychotic geeks obsessed with every little detail of the incestuous world of New York radio.
Is that the '96-'97 New York Radio Guide? It is, isn't it? It's here, everyone! It's here! The alpha and the omega has arrived.
Is there another copy of that somewhere? Conference table.
Okay.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
Is that the '96-'97 issue? Mm-hm.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, hey, can I borrow this? Uh, you don't want that one, Dave.
Well, why? You're not reading it.
No, but I am parking my gum there.
Ah.
Thanks.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you, Dave.
Dave, did your mom change her home phone number again? Oh, why do you want to know? No reason.
Here.
Did you see, uh-- See the review? Uh, no, haven't had a chance to look at it yet.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's not like we're actually in the radio business or anything.
I'm very eager to, though.
Oh, yeah, well you should be.
You know, an important critique of your first full year at the helm.
That's just the kinda thing could send a career into orbit.
I'm really more concerned with getting an objective opini-- Or it can smash you on the rocks like last year's lobster pot.
Well, the thought has occurred to me, so I-I'm understandably anxious to, you know-- To sit down and-- Oh, okay.
I won't bother you.
Well, thank-- I'll just-- I'll sit here.
[POPS LIPS.]
[POPS LIPS.]
[POPPING LIPS.]
I'm sorry.
That's-- That's all right.
I'll just, uh I-I'll sit over here.
Suit yourself.
Okay.
So, Dave, do you have any recent pictures of your Mom? Mr.
James, that's possibly the most distracting question I've ever been asked.
I-I'm sorry.
Just-- Just erase that.
Tell you what.
From now on, I'm not here.
Oh, great, great.
Where's Dave? I don't know.
I'm not here.
Here.
Dave.
What are you gonna do about this review? I-I haven't had a chance to read it yet, Catherine.
Here.
Read this right here.
"Katherine Duke is one of the finest news anchors in the city, although chronically underused.
" Yes, I-I-- No, I agree with this.
And I promise in the future we'll find ways to use you more.
Yeah.
I heard that noise before.
What're you gonna do about this, huh? They spelled my name wrong.
It's Catherine with a C.
Not with a K.
Catherine with a C is regal.
Catherine with a K is the name of a two-bit biker chick from North Jersey.
Yeah.
Like that cheap slut Katherine Hepburn.
Hey! So I guess we may safely say the critics have shined their rays of adulation upon me once again.
The relevant text is highlighted.
"Bill McNeal is adequate.
" Adequate.
Adequate.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Read it again.
Well.
"Bill McNeal is adequate.
" I'm sorry, Bill.
Sorry? Sorry you weren't singled out and deemed adequate? I don't think that's quite the superlative you think it is.
I beg to differ.
I'm not here.
I beg to differ.
After all, adequacy is the hallmark of great journalism.
No, I think it's the hallmark of adequate journalism, Bill.
And what is adequate journalism, if not great journalism? Well, it's just adequat-- We'll finish this later.
After I fulfill my duties with my customary "adequacivity.
" That's not a real word.
It is now.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[POPS LIPS.]
Goin' to the break room, sir.
Driving you crazy? Sure are.
I get that a lot.
Hey, have you read it yet? No.
It mentions you.
I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know, I know.
I read that one.
I read that one.
[LAUGHING.]
Boy.
Matthew, what are you doing? Uh, I'm cutting the, uh, "Dilbert" strips out of the newspaper.
Why? I-I-- Honestly, I think there's a good story in this.
I mean, they are so funny, Dave.
[LAUGHING.]
Really funny.
Beth, don't you have some work to do? Hey, look it.
Look it.
I know, I know, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're not looking.
I know.
David, I really think I've made some kind of discovery here 'cause the whole-- The whole Dilbert thing-- My hunch is that it's gonna go, woomf, right through the roof.
And here I am on the ground floor.
Matthew, it's just not much of a discovery.
Millions of people have already discovered the magic of "Dilbert" and enjoy it every morning.
You gotta read this one.
Dave, seriously, I think this is gonna cement me as-- As-- As a cutting-edge reporter, always one step ahead of the trends and-- Well, Matthew, you know, if-- If it will help to cement you Uh-huh? uh, then I know-- I-I have a little tip for you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Give it up.
On this discovery, uh Sliced bread.
You want in on this one? Dave, just promise me that I can do the story.
Can I? No.
Now, clean up your desk and get back to work.
Okay.
Let's see what kind of mess Mr.
D has gotten himself into today.
Okay, then at home he has this dog that talks to him about his day at work.
And he's cute.
He's this little white dog.
Does the dog wear glasses like him? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, that's somethin' I gotta see.
Okay, wait here.
I will get you one.
Oh, great.
Great.
Great, great.
[LAUGHING.]
Dave, what the hell was she talkin' about? Oh, that was-- That was, uh-- That cartoon strip, "Dilbert.
" Oh, no, hell, I haven't read the comics since I realized Beetle Bailey was never actually gonna shoot anybody.
Well, I read the review.
Oh, well, finally.
What'd they say? Oh, you haven't read it? Excuse me.
I've been a little busy here.
Why don't you just summarize it.
Well, it's good.
Yeah? It's very-- In fact, I would say with the exception of calling Bill adequate, it's great.
It's very complimentary.
It says that we do, um, a fine job with complex issues.
That we are reliable.
And describes us as the workhorse of New York City news radio stations.
Yeah, workhorse.
Ah, thank God.
The suspense was killin' me.
Hey! Hey, ladies! Ladies, did you hear? We got a good review! This review stinks.
No, it's very good.
It's very complimentary.
It's good.
It's good.
What? It's good.
It-- It says that we are a workhorse.
Yeah! Uh-huh-huh.
A workhorse.
Oh, and it also says that we are reliable.
Very reliable.
Yep.
Oh, and let's not forget fine.
Yeah, we do a fine job.
Fine job.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'm glad to see that you're all thrilled to be working at a station that is not great, innovative.
That is-- Is simplyadequate.
Well, I don't know, Bill seems happy with adequate.
Bill thinks having a bird crap on him is a compliment from the gods.
Plus they spelled my name wrong, Jimmy.
I know.
Oh! Look, it's a great review, all right? I know that for me as a newsman, I have, uh, been striving my whole life to be a fine, reliable workhorse.
It must be lonely in the middle.
It's one thing, of course, to know you're adequate, but to have a fellow member of the press stand up and say, "Yes, you, sir, are adequate," well, let me tell you, it's a very special feeling.
Lisa? Lisa? [SIGHS.]
Matthew.
[MUFFLED.]
I was thinking that if we put the stuff around the office, then we could do a story on how it affects the office harmony.
And you never let me do my own stories, anyway.
So I thought if I got the ball rolling on this one, you'd-- Matthew, Matthew, let me see if I can make this clear to you.
All right? Yes.
There will be no "Dilbert" story.
All right? So why don't you just put back the rainbows and unicorns that usually cover your desk and get to work.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
What are you doing? I'm calling the guy that, uh, wrote the review.
No, don't do that.
Relax.
Dave, relax.
Really, I am just going to give him a little bit of constructive criticism and-- Hello, Eugene? You suck! You feel-- Feel better? No, but I'm starting to.
Matthew! David, it's me, Dilbert.
Matthew wanted me to tell you a little something about the comic strip-- How many times do I have to tell you no? No.
No matter how many times you ask, the answer will remain: no.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were in the middle of a meeting.
What is wrong with you? Dave, finding "Dilbert" this morning was somewhat of a revelation.
I don't think you understand.
No.
No, I-I thought I was the only one who-- Who was afraid of his-- His other co-workers and-- And-- And-- Uh-huh.
And scared of his boss.
But I know better now.
I am Dilbert.
And you are the mean boss.
And Lisa is-- Is, uh, Dogbert or something, I don't know.
The point, though, David MATTHEW: Uh, no, no, wait.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Okay, well, I'm gonna stand right here until you read at least one-- Hey, Matthew! This is Dilbert.
Dave wanted me to tell you that there's absolutely no way.
Hey, little guy.
When you and Dave are done with your meeting I need to get in to see you.
Okay, I'm gonna take a walk.
All right? Just to cool down.
When I get back, I don't wanna see any "Dilbert" cartoons.
I certainly don't want to see them near my office.
Do you understand? Mm-hm.
And, Joe, do not pick that lock for him.
Don't pick the lock.
And don't dismantle my window.
No dismantling.
Do not, in any way, assist him in putting one foot in my office.
No feet.
Dave, Dave, is that-- Is that a Dilbert doll? Can I just see it? It's just the head, actually.
The legs and torso are in the garbage.
MATTHEW: What happened? Did you get it? Okay, okay, okay.
JOE: Okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.
Are you sure this is how they did it in the movie? JOE: Trust me, dude.
I saw Mission Impossible five times, man.
Mission--? No, I thought we were talking about Peter Pan.
I got it.
Haul me up, haul me up, haul me up.
JOE: You all right? Yeah.
Take me up.
Hey, Dave.
Hey, Matthew.
How was your, uh-- Your walk there? Oh, it was nice.
It was nice.
Beautiful day out.
So I thought I'd walk by the, uh-- Hey, didn't I say something about coming into my office? You said not to go through the door.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Or the window, or the-- Yeah.
What was the other thing, Joe? JOE: Dude, don't drag me into this.
Well, Matthew, you better start explaining fast.
All right.
Seriously, um Y-you don't listen to me.
You don't listen to my ideas, and because of that and because you locked me out both-- Both literally and spiritually, I have staged a commando raid on your office to force you to read and learn.
Oh, so, uh So you just want me to read this, huh? Yeah.
Read it, or I will be forced to tender my resignation.
Aw, really? Oh Yeah, okay.
I-I can't-- I can't do this anymore.
This is ridiculous, Dave.
I-- I cannot work in an environment that is so stifling.
Okay? I mean it.
I quit! Good day, sir.
I said, good day, sir! LISA: Okay, what if I said you were reliable in bed? What if I called you a workhorse in the sack? Well, I guess I'd have to say, "Glad to be of service, baby.
" You are so white.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know.
Hello, and welcome to Seattle Java.
Home of the coffeecino.
Are you a member of our Guzzler's Club, or would you care to become one? [LAUGHING.]
Matthew, what are you doing here? I'm taking your order.
Would you like to have a nice frappe mocha? Okay, Matthew, you've made your point.
Albeit in the most moronic way possible, but, uh, you've made it, so what do you say we go up to the office? David, I'm sorry.
The only orders I'm gonna take from you anymore are gonna be right here.
[BEEPING.]
Do-- Do you want anything? 'Cause we're very, very quite busy.
Matthew.
Come back to the office.
Next! Next! Next! Next! Feet off the couch.
Oh, I can't believe he's out of our lives.
Matthew is not out of our lives.
He's not even out of our building.
He's right downstairs, working at that new coffee place.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, Dave, it's not funny.
Oh, my God.
That must be so demeaning.
Just making coffee for people all day.
Wait a minute.
Don't worry.
I can persuade him to come back.
Well, you better persuade him to come back, Dave, seeing as how you were the one who persuaded him to leave.
No, I didn't.
No-- Feet.
Although, I did play a-- An important role in his dire situation, I'm not the one that threw the major spaz.
Uh-huh.
And what do you call ripping the head off the Dilbert doll? Mercy killing.
Well, why don't you just agree to read his stupid comic strips and that'll be the end of it? Well You talkin' about Spaz? Yeah.
Mm-hm.
May I make a suggestion? Sure.
Let him sling coffee for a few more hours.
He'll get bored.
He'll realize he misses all of us.
He'll come back on his own.
And when he does come crawling back, that's when you kick him away! Those of us who are adequate don't need his type around.
I'll go down and talk to him again in a couple of hours.
Dave, why don't you just go right now.
I don't need a refill right now.
Well, I'm off to astonish the world with more feats of "adequataquaticism.
" Not a word.
Don't care, my friend.
Hey, Bill, everything going adequately? Very adequately, sir.
I'm virtually bursting with "adequatulence.
" Okay, look.
You think I don't know adequate sucks? Of course I know.
Being called adequate is like getting C-minuses in grade school, and I'm not used to getting C-minuses.
I-I know what it's like when you're an A student.
No.
I got straight C-minuses, but I never got used to it! Well, why didn't you admit that it hurt? I tried to talk to you about it yesterday, but you were behind closed doors with your little doll friend.
Everything else about this station is reliable and workhorse-like, but I'm merely adequate? Okay, Bill Do you think I was happy with reliable and workhorse? You know what a workhorse is? It's a big Clydesdale pulling a big beer wagon through the state fair with a bunch of drunk yahoos throwing cherry bombs at it.
You miss Wisconsin, don't you? That thing was like a-a dagger in my heart, all right? I just didn't want Mr.
James to know we'd gotten a bad review.
JIMMY: Oh, jeez, for cryin' out loud, fellas! I thought it was a good review.
Me too! Yeah, nice try, Dave.
I don't know, I guess next time I write a review, I ought to use a thesaurus, huh? You wrote the review? Why not? I own the damn magazine.
Look, I was just trying to give everybody a nice good pat on the back.
Towel.
Isn't that a conflict of interest? No! No, no, no, no.
Well, yeah.
These days we'd call that synergy.
Look, the only mistake I made was spelling Catherine's name wrong and thatI have taken care of.
How? I'm puttin' her on the cover next year.
All right, um, Matthew, we are all here to ask you to come back to work.
Nothin' doin'.
Very, very happy here.
Matthew, doesn't it mean anything to you that we've all humbled ourselves like this coming down here? Oh, I didn't realize I was humbling myself.
Dude, come on, man.
Just come back to work.
Not unless I can do my "Dilbert" story.
[SIGHS.]
All right, um Come on up.
Well, Matthew, do you know who this is? No.
Hi, Matthew.
Scott Adams.
Oh, my God! The Scott Adams? The creator of "Dilbert"? The one and only.
Yes, oh, um, Dave here told me a little about the situation, and I have to say, Dilbert would never do this.
What? What do you mean? Dilbert would never quit a job in a place where people loved him and cared about him and-- And accepted him for who he is.
Mm-hm.
Oh, come on, Matthew.
Come back to your family.
Do it for Dilbert.
Do it for Dogbert.
Do it forMatthewbert.
Wow, Matthewbert.
Soare you gonna come back to work? Yes.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Let me-- Let me-- Let me get my stuff.
DAVE: All right.
Okay.
Dave, aren't you gonna introduce me to Scott Adams? Oh, well, this is not really Scott Adams.
Uh, he's an actor who lives across the hall from me.
Uh, Doug, I'd like you to meet Catherine Duke.
Hi.
Hey, that was great, Doug, that was great.
Did you want anything else, Dave? No, you should probably get out of here before Matthew comes back and tries to get you to draw Dilbert on his chest.
I'm serious.
He would do that.
You should get out of here.
in such a stifling work environment! All right? I quit! Good day, sir! Coffee, Dave? Oh, thanks.
No problem.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Beth, would you get that? WNYX.
Dave Nelson's office.
Oh, my God, hi.
It's for me, Dave.
DAVE: What? BETH: Uh-huh.
No, I had no idea.