NewsRadio (1995) s04e13 Episode Script

[ Matthew .]
Previously onNews Radio.
So how's that sandwich, Dave? It's good.
Mine too.
Mm-hmm.
[ Matthew .]
Also previously on News Radio.
Aw, I don't wanna be boss anymore.
I don't wanna be boss.
We could flip for it.
[ Sighs .]
So heads, I'll be boss.
Tails, you be boss.
Okay.
What do you say? All right? [ Matthew .]
Tonight on News Radio.
[ Beth .]
Matthew, don't.
What? Don't give it away.
Oh.
Okay, sorry.
So neither of you wanna be boss.
That it? Um, well, no, sir.
It's not-- Spare me.
If I believed in fairy tales, I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.
So-- Well, it's not like I hate being boss.
I do.
Well, so do I.
Enough.
I'll decide this.
Give me the coin.
All right.
[ Clears Throat .]
Heads, Dave's boss.
Tails, Lisa.
Here we go.
[ Clears Throat .]
Now that's some spooky-- So I figured that, you know, since both Dave and Lisa were both so qualified, I'd go ahead and let you guys vote to see which one of 'em should be your boss.
Why don't you just flip a coin? 'Cause that would be silly.
Besides, it would, you know-- it would be insulting.
It would be insulting for them to take it so lightly since they both want the job so badly, right? - Right? - Do I ever.
No, please let it be me.
And they're off and running.
Could I see the candidates over here for just-- just one second? Thanks a lot.
Excuse me, folks.
[ Clears Throat .]
Maybe, uh-- Maybe I didn't make this clear.
I don't want to see either one of you lose this thing intentionally.
She started it.
Shut up, Dave.
Kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids! It's important, all right? It is important for these people to think that you actually wanna lead them.
I mean, can you imagine what panic there would be in this country if people actually knew that Bill Clinton doesn't wanna be president? He doesn't? I gotta go.
Um, all right then.
I guess we will hold the election this afternoon.
Oh.
Okay.
Then we're gonna have both elections this afternoon? What do you mean, both elections? Today's the day we were gonna have the floor fire-marshal elections.
Floor fire marshal? Yeah.
It's a new policy from the super.
Every floor has to select a fire marshal in case of an emergency.
And I would officially like to announce my candidacy.
Okay.
All opposed? Great.
Congratulations, Matthew.
Hold on.
Dude, it's a terrible job.
Yeah, I know.
I-- I could use the extra money.
It doesn't pay anything.
Yeah.
Chicks love a man in uniform.
Okay.
All in favor? [ Matthew .]
Objection.
Overruled.
See, as much as I want this job, it just-- it wouldn't be fair if I got it without having to run a campaign.
Matthew, nobody's running against you.
Dave, this is politics, okay? Anything can happen and always does.
- Hey, Russ, you made it.
- Hey, what's up? Of course I made it.
Bill, this is my brother Russ.
Russ, Bill.
Hey, Russ.
What brings you to WNYX? Our parents are having their 35th wedding anniversary.
Ah-da-da-da-da.
I can answer the question.
Fine.
Go ahead.
We're planning a surprise party for our parents' 35th anniversary.
A party, yeah, but I don't know about the surprise part.
I do.
So where is it going to be? There's this little Greek place my buddy runs, and-- We are definitely not going there.
Why not? First of all, because "A," your buddy is an idiot.
And "B," that place is, no offense, run by an idiot.
Well, there are lots of restaurants in the city.
I'm sure you fellas will find one you both like.
Yeah, I guess we could keep lookin'.
Well, good luck, fellas.
I don't know.
Ah, on second thought, maybe that Greek place isn't such a bad idea.
Yeah.
It's a good-sized place.
Yeah, it's a nice place, you know? And I know you were hoping we could do it in a gay bar, but what are you gonna do? [ Dave .]
Doesn't anyone find this just a little bit silly? Well, I for one look forward to the opportunity to debate my opponent.
Matthew, you do not have an opponent.
Yeah.
Right.
That's what he or she wants me to think.
[ Jimmy .]
Okay.
Let's go ahead and start this great debate with Dave and Lisa.
Lisa, you have an opening statement? Not real-- Great.
Let's hear it.
Uh, vote for me for news director.
I really want the job.
Well, eye of the tiger.
Go on.
Go on.
You know what? I-I think I know what you're all thinking.
You're all thinking, "Vote for Lisa Miller over Mr.
Dave Nelson? "The living legend? What does she take us for, idiots?" And I wish I had an answer to that.
I really do.
Well, you really stuck it to him, didn't you? Dave, your rebuttal? Uh, yes.
Um, actually, rather than a rebuttal, I think I'd like to just make a campaign promise, one that I assure you I intend to keep.
If elected, I will do away with free sodas in the break room.
I think it's a waste of money, and I think we're all tired of them.
Am I right? All right.
So remember, a vote for Dave is a vote for no more free sodas in the break room for as long as you work here.
Intriguing.
An intriguing policy.
But, uh, feasible? Probably not.
Why? Because I like soda.
All right.
Questions? Oh, actually, I have a question for Lisa Miller.
[ Jimmy .]
Yeah.
Could you stand, please? Lisa, if you were a tree, how would you change WNYX? Well, my feeling is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this station that could not be fixed by locking all the bathrooms and attaching the key to a large, heavy, plastic crate I will keep in my office.
Me too.
Capital idea.
- I have a two-part question, Jim, if I may? - Yes, Bill.
One: What does Lisa look like naked? And two: What does Lisa feel like naked? This is for both candidates.
I'll field this one, if I may.
Uh, as a prospective news director, it would be completely inappropriate for me to answer that question.
But if the unthinkable were to happen, and I was to lose this vote, well, then I can answer that question and any others you might have in almost pornographic detail.
Good answer.
Good answer.
Bill, I could also answer those questions, but with an insider's perspective, if you catch my drift.
But only if I lost.
Which-- I don't wanna do.
- Query.
- Recognized.
Where do you stand on the issue of things breaking and of fixing said things? - Lisa? - I'm against it.
I see.
I got a follow-up question.
[ Jimmy .]
Yeah.
Dude, don't embarrass me.
Dude, it's a serious question.
Fine.
This one's also for the girl.
Where do you stand on the issue of my brother being a total wuss? Any thoughts? Okay.
Why don't we get to the main event? The great fire-marshal debates.
[ Coughs .]
Where-- Okay, where's everybody going? So what? Just start debating yourself.
Okay.
That's fine.
Okay.
My fellow WNYX-icans, it is time for a new voice in floor fire-marshaling, and that voice is me.
Where do you stand on the issues? This question is for Matthew.
Okay.
Good question.
Good question.
First of all, fire extinguishers should not be so easy to accidentally shoot off in your face.
- Hear! Hear! - And second of all, computers shouldn't burst into flames every time you touch 'em.
All right.
You've got my vote.
And thirdly, get rid of the smoking area.
What? Eat it! Eat it! [ Shouting, Indistinct .]
- Eat it! - What is wrong with you two? Hey.
What's up, Jack? Oh, Mr.
James, my brother Jack.
Jack, Mr.
James.
Oh, hey.
How you doing? Nice to meet you.
Sorry about these two jokers.
- Hey, he started it.
- If Sal could see you now.
Sal doesn't need to know about this.
Come on.
It'd break his heart.
Wait.
Who-Who-Who's Sal? Sal's our older brother.
He helped raise us when we were kids, you know, and kept us in line.
Sal's a great man.
Taught us about family.
Taught us brothers should never take arms against brothers, but should rather embrace each other.
- Shut up! [ Coughing .]
- Excuse me.
[ Dave .]
Beth, what are you doing? I'm sorry.
This meeting has to be top secret.
I don't want Lisa to find out about it.
Then why are we having it in her office? I don't know! I don't know.
I just panicked.
I'm not very good at this kind of thing.
I just want you to know, I'm voting for you this afternoon, okay? Oh, okay.
I mean, Lisa's a really good boss.
But you're a great boss.
I am behind you 100%, Dave.
Really? Yeah, yeah, really.
And I don't wanna get your hopes up too high, but I know that there's a lot of people around here who feel the same way that I do.
Really? Well, that's-- Wait.
Cool it.
Five-O.
Cool it.
Five-0.
What the hell does that mean? Lisa.
Oh, hey.
How are you? Good.
Cool.
You look great.
That's a cool top.
Thanks.
I'll see you out at the conference table, or whatever.
- What was that about? - Nothing.
Have you managed to calm down the fabulous, fighting Garrelli brothers? Oh.
Well, my brothers used to fight a lot worse than that.
It's just play fighting, really.
Uh-huh.
I'm gonna fix that.
Dave, can I pick your brains about some of my campaign slogans? Nope.
Okay.
Hey, how about this one? "Matthew Brock-- He knows about fire, 'cause he's been fired.
" Well, you have been fired.
How about this one? Ready? "Sex! Okay, now that I got your attention, vote for Matthew Brock.
" Matthew, why are you asking me about slogans for fire marshal? Because, Dave, you're the-- you're the master campaigner.
You were great in that debate over there.
You're-You're Teflon Dave.
- Uh-huh.
- And between me and you, you got my vote.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
You know, actually, I think I have a pretty good shot-- Right on.
Now can we talk about my slogans, please? Okay.
Here's a slogan for you.
Yeah, good.
- Let me run this past you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How about this? "You may as well vote for me, seeing as I'm the only candidate, even though I am completely inept.
" - Too wordy.
- Really? Dave, you gotta remember that me and you are a lot "intelligenter" than the common man.
Oh! Attention, everyone.
I would like to announce my latest triumph.
I like to call it "Peace in the Garrelli Family.
" Joe, hug your brother.
Do I have to? Yes.
Oh! What did you do that for? He was making a move on me.
No.
No, he wasn't.
He was trying to hug you.
Actually, I was making a move on him.
You saw it coming this time.
You felt my power though, right? Two for flinching.
Ow! Listen, I just want you to know, I intend to throw my support behind you even though I get the feeling you don't really want the job.
Really? How do you know that? One knows these things.
Juan who? Not Juan-- one.
Me.
Ah.
Okay.
I only wish you wanted the job half as badly as we want you to have it.
Well, you know what, Bill? To be honest, I've had kind of a change of heart about that.
Really? Yeah.
You know what I mean? With the quiet, spontaneous outpouring of support-- Well, you know, it's-- it's touched me.
Yeah, I have that effect on people.
No, not-not just you, Bill.
A lot of people.
And it's just reminded me of why I love this job in the first place.
Same here.
Matthew! What? Bill, what? What's Bill want? I don't-- Bill's funny.
What's the matter with you? - I'm gonna win.
- What makes you think that? I always win, Dave.
They're gonna make me boss forever.
Well, cheer up.
I have reason to believe that I have rather a commanding lead at this point.
That's sweet, Dave.
Implausible, but sweet.
Excuse me, miss.
I'm looking for Joe Garrelli.
Last rites? The boys are fightin', huh? Uh-- [ Shouting, Indistinct .]
Get off! Girl! Get off! Get off! Get off! Boys! Oh, no.
Sal.
What a lovely family reunion.
- We weren't doing nothin'.
- Really? Nothin'? - No.
Nothin'.
- No mega-wedgies? No.
Then what are you doin' with Jack's underwear? Sorry.
No sweat.
In an office where people are workin'.
What would Dad think? Or Mom? He's right.
Look at us.
How'd this happen to us? I don't know.
We gotta-- We gotta talk about a lot of things.
[ Chuckles .]
The time for talkin' is over.
Now come over here and get your medicine.
Get over here! I just want you to know that however this turns out, I think you've been doing a great job the last few months.
Thank you.
I hope you win.
Well, if the voting does go the other way and I win-- Which I hope you do.
'Cause I don't wanna be boss.
I know.
Good.
But I probably am gonna win.
I'm happy for you.
I'm sorry.
Dave, shut up! Oh, come on, Matthew! Just pick a horse! Look, I'm having enough trouble just picking between Dave and Lisa, okay? Okay, okay, okay.
I know, I know, I know.
Wait, wait, wait.
All right.
Everybody ready? Jim, I think at a moment like this, it makes sense to pause and consider-- No, it doesn't.
Everybody ready to count 'em up? All right, here we go.
All righty.
First one is for Lisa.
Very good.
Second one right here is for Lisa again.
And we got a third one for Lisa.
And the last one is for Lisa.
The people have spoken.
Dave, come on.
I think it's customary to make a concession speech.
Yeah.
Uh, okay.
Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, I guess I-I just want to say, uh-- What happened? Huh? I mean, you all said you were gonna vote for me.
Wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You all-- Wait a minute.
They all said the same thing to me.
What? Yes.
They all came to me and told me they were gonna vote for me, but they didn't want you to know.
What? So you were all just covering your asses, huh? You just wanted to be on the right side no matter who won, huh? Huh? I voted for you.
No, you didn't, Bill.
No one did.
I demand a recount.
Okay.
Lisa, Lisa, Lisa and Lisa.
Well, there you go.
Lisa is the-- is the people's choice.
Huh? Is that it? So I guess that's the deal.
That-- That seals it.
Dave, you are the boss.
Welcome back.
[ Gasps .]
What? Yes! Well, the results speak for themselves.
See, Lisa is the boss everyone likes.
Dave's the boss everyone respects.
And I want a boss everyone respects.
Me too.
Shut up.
Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Everybody wants that, right? - You want a boss you respect.
- [ Bill .]
I don't think so.
And a boss you fear a little bit? [ Murmuring .]
A boss maybe you even hate a little bit? No! Why-- That's what I was looking for.
All hail Dave, the hated boss.
[ Bill .]
Dave, everyone in that office thinks you're a great boss, every bit as good a boss as Lisa.
In fact, there was no real way to choose between the two of you.
Mm-hmm.
Well, then why did every single person vote against me? Joe voted using a computerized, random-number generator.
Beth voted against you because Lisa gets fewer phone calls and doesn't like coffee.
And, Matthew, of course, is a lifelong Republican, so he had no choice.
And why didn't you vote for me? I still think I did.
This is one of those things we'll probably never know the full truth about.
Look at it this way.
Now that you're boss again, you can order Lisa to get back together with you.
Bill, that's not how it works.
Oh.
Then how did you get her to go out with you in the first place? You know something, Bill? What? It sort of feels like I'm starting over from square one.
And that's not such a bad place to be.
Yeah, yeah.
I have no idea what you mean.
But yeah.
Uh, Dave? Yeah? Sorry, but there's a little fistfight out there, which is sadly no longer my responsibility.
Sounds like a job for Dave Nielsen.
It's Dave Nelson, but thanks.
Come on, Lisa.
Can you just take care of this? Sort of a lame-duck kind of thing? Well, you know, Dave, I would, but-- [ Dave Sighs .]
You another one of Joe's brothers? No, I'm Carl from Accounting.
I've worked here for years.
Oh, sorry, Carl.
What-What's going on? I don't know.
I guess there were some write-in votes in the fire-marshal elections, and I won.
- And then this guy came, and-- - Get back here, little man.
Don't worry, Dave.
We'll get him.
[ Karate Yells .]