NewsRadio (1995) s04e17 Episode Script
Balloon
Well, that's all I've got, so-- Correction.
Please maintain current positions.
Incoming message.
Apparently, Mr.
James has a very important announcement he'd like to make.
If it's important, Matthew should be here for this.
Right.
- Um, I'm right here.
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Whatever.
Why doesn't anybody notice me anymore? So what's the announcement, Jim? Well, it's-it's more of a puzzle, actually.
A puzzle? Yeah.
Riddle me this, Boy Wonder.
What has two arms, two legs, $5.
7 billion, and is gonna circumnavigate the globe in a hot-air balloon? No.
Oh, yeah.
No, no.
Yeah, yeah.
Tonight at 1900 hours-- Wait.
I'm good at these.
Let me guess.
Hang on a second.
- Matthew, I already gave the answer.
- No, I know it.
I got it.
It's Rupert "Birdoch.
" Get it? It's Rupert Murdoch, but I put a "bird" in there-- Matthew, I think what Mr.
James is trying to say is that he's going to circle the world in a hot-air balloon.
Okay.
Anyway, at 1900 hours, I am going to embark on a round-the-world voyage in the H.
M.
S.
Badd Boy, a miniature prototype of which my flight technician, Joe, is bringin' right in.
- Thanks, Joe.
- Oh, awesome model, Joe.
Thanks.
Mr.
James gave me a budget of 15 grand, but I managed to make it for a little under seven bucks.
Uh, Joe, I was gonna ask you about that other 14,000.
Look, it lights up.
Oh, cool! I like that.
Okay, good.
Anyway-- So what's gonna happen is, I'll be in here, and we'll begin the mission by making a straight, vertical ascent up thataway.
Okay, ready? Here we go.
[ Crashes .]
Of course, the real thing's gonna be a little better than that, isn't it, Joe? Yeah.
Yeah.
Mr.
James, you are not going to fly around the world in a hot-air balloon.
- Oh, yes, I am.
- With whom? - All by myself.
When? Today.
Why? Because it's there.
What's there? What's where? Who's on first? I don't know.
Third base! Bill, shut up.
Mr.
James, what if something goes wrong and you get fatally injured or even killed? Well, let them say this about me: "He died with his balloon on.
" Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may? - Go ahead.
- Thank you.
Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year, another billionaire is tryin' to fly around the world in a balloon.
Well, why the hell do you think I'm doin' this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense.
Bill Gates practically called me a Nancy boy.
- Do you know anything about hot-air ballooning? - Nope.
Do you know how to chart a course? Nope.
- Do you know what makes a hot-air balloon fly? - Joe? [ Joe .]
Hot air.
See? I'll be fine.
The camera crews are gonna arrive around 1:00.
I'll be making my official good-byes from here.
I'll see you then.
I'm not letting you go, Mr.
James.
It's too dangerous.
I appreciate your concern, Beth, but I don't wanna hear any more arguments.
My destiny awaits me.
Like I said before, I'm not leavin' right away.
I'll be back here today before settin' off on my voyage.
Okay, we'll just pick this up later.
That'll be fine.
Worried about the big chief, little chief? Well, yeah, Bill, I am kind of worried about it.
There a fine line between eccentricity and downright suicidal foolhardiness.
I know.
I walk that line every Saturday night.
What? Nothing.
I wouldn't worry about Jimmy.
- Oh.
Why not? - Well, I don't know.
I just wouldn't.
Boy, I picked a hell of a day to quit smoking.
You did? Oh, terrific, Bill.
Good for you.
Thanks.
I'm tryin' not to make a big deal about it.
I understand that.
- You've got my full support.
- Well, I appreciate that.
I don't know how I ever started.
Filthy habit.
Oh, I know.
But it's hard to quit, especially when you start at a young age.
But I hope you-- What-What-What's that? Chaw.
Chaw.
Chewing tobacco.
You want some? No.
No.
Why are you chewing tobacco? Well, I gave up smoking, Dave, not nicotine.
Chewing tobacco's just as dangerous as smoking.
Yeah, but to my gums, not my lungs.
I'm tryin' to mix it up a little here.
Come on.
Sure you don't want some? - Absolutely, yeah.
No, no.
- Your funeral.
Bill? Hmm? Take that crap out of your mouth.
[ Mumbling .]
Oh, sorry.
[ Beth .]
Dave, where is he? In my office, getting ready to make his big entrance.
- Isn't there anything that you can do to stop him? - He'll be fine.
- But what if something goes wrong? - Oh, just relax.
Jimmy's as safe as a bug in a baby's bottom.
How can you people be so calm about this? Well, I do it by imagining that Mr.
James is making a mystical journey into the realm of magic.
[ Drumroll .]
Oh, my God.
See? - What's going on now? - It's 1:00.
[ Man On P.
A.
.]
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, presenting the president and C.
E.
O.
of Jimmy James Incorporated, Jimmy James! [ Orchestra: "Hail To The Chief" .]
- [ Chattering .]
- Thank you! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
In the grand tradition of Phineas Fogg, Richard Branson and that guy who owns all the Oriental steakhouses, I am about to embark on a grand adventure.
And now, I will be giving my exclusive, preflight interview to WNYX's own star reporter, Lisa Miller.
Lisa? Mr.
James, I think the question everyone wants to hear the answer to is: Why? Why? Well, uh, a thirst for danger is certainly part of it.
A desire to-to live life to its fullest.
But I think the real reason-- the real reason is to show up certain so-called billionaires who don't have the guts to take to the skies.
I'm talkin' to you, Billy Gates! Where do you plan to depart from, sir? Well, that's a-- that's a secret, Lisa Miller.
But as soon as all this is over, I'll be gettin' in my private jet and flying to a secret location where my balloon-o-sphere is waiting.
Why all the secrecy? The secrecy.
Well, the secrecy.
For one reason and one reason only-- to avoid potential saboteurs.
That's right, Billy boy.
You're not gonna get a chance to mess this one up! Good luck to you, sir.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now-- [ Clears Throat .]
if you'll all excuse me, somewhere out there, there's a balloon waitin' with my name on it.
Literally.
Joe! Mind if I join ya? Hmm.
Help yourself.
- Do you know if Jimmy's launched yet? - No word yet.
[ Groans .]
Don't even think about it.
Um, here.
No, keep it.
Keep it.
That's your cup from now on and forever.
What if I accidentally spit in your cup? Don't.
I won't.
But what if it's an accident? This is your cup.
This is my cup.
This cup is for chaw spit.
This cup is just for coffee.
Got it? Got it.
Good, good.
Oh, Bill! Hey, that's my cup! You guys, Mr.
James is on TV.
Oh, my God, there he is.
There he is.
Oh, my God.
He's actually doing it.
[ Man .]
The hazards for Mr.
James will be low altitude atmospheric disturbances-- You've picked a hell of a time to actually start working.
[ Typing Rapidly .]
Oh, I'm not-- I'm not working, Dave.
I'm-- I'm just-- I'm so nervous about Mr.
James that I'm, you know, just hitting keys randomly.
Well, be careful you don't accidentally write something.
Yeah.
You guys, they're going live to the capsule.
He's gonna say something.
We now go live to Jimmy James.
Hello, America.
Well, as you can see, I have safely lifted off at 1900 hours from my super-secret launching pad somewhere near the Sahara Desert.
All systems-- All systems are go.
Mr.
James, tell us, where are you now? Well, gosh, I don't know.
Let's-- Let's take a-- take a look out the window here.
Oh-Oh! Sorry, can't look.
Mr.
James, clearly you're aware other people have tried this before.
I have to ask, just what is it that makes you think that-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
[ Beeping .]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
My red light here seems to indicate that we're gonna run into some rough weather.
I hope this doesn't spell disaster for my mission.
But if it does, I'm sure all of you will get the blow-by-blow account from my favorite news radio station, WNYX in New York.
Sorry, folks, I gotta go.
Well, apparently, ladies and gentlemen, we have lost our signal.
That was billionaire sportsman Jimmy James flying high above Egypt in his hot-air balloon attempting to-- [ Clicks Off .]
Well, he's certainly getting his plugs in.
Plugs? Plugs? Mr.
James is and all you can think about is his hair? - I'll go talk to her.
- Thanks.
Oh! [ Beth .]
I'm gonna go straight home and watch the coverage of Jimmy's flight.
- Are you coming, Dave? Are you okay? - Uh-huh.
Okay, listen, if anything happens with Mr.
James between now and the time I get home, call me, okay? - Uh-huh.
- I'm gonna call you when I get home to let you know I'm home.
-Uh-huh.
-If you wanna give me a $500,000 million raise, say, "Uh-huh.
" - Nope.
- [ Sighs .]
We have reestablished visual and audio contact with millionaire Jimmy-- [ Jimmy .]
Billionaire.
billionaire Jimmy James.
Yeah.
Hi, Mr.
James.
Good to hear from you again.
Tell us, what is your present location? I'm up in a balloon.
Yes, sir, we know that.
What I meant was, geographically.
[ Jimmy .]
Oh, yeah.
My navigation system here would seem to indicate that we are flying over a region of the former Soviet Republic.
[ Spits .]
[ Cup Shatters .]
[ TV: Jimmy Continues, Indistinct .]
Mr.
James? Mr.
James? [ Jimmy Sneezes .]
[ Sighs .]
Mr.
James, come out from behind that curtain.
What are you doing? You're supposed to be up in a balloon.
I am.
I'm in the balloon.
Mr.
James! Okay, fine.
Come on in.
Well? Wow.
This is-- This is unbelievable.
I mean, you've been faking the whole thing.
What thing? The balloon mission.
No, no.
Faking? Come on, Dave.
That's just a really strong word.
Dynamite stuff in that last segment, Jimbo.
Thanks.
Appreciate it.
I really appreciate it.
Dave, you just-- You can't be so judgmental about these things, you know? How do you expect to keep an operation this massive a secret? What's so massive about it? Well, you're obviously employing a lot of people.
No.
Using a lot of people is exactly what went wrong back in Dallas.
Huh? This is strictly a three-man operation.
Uh-huh.
Well, is-- Where's Joe? [ Joe .]
Mr.
James, at 0700 hours, I wanna try and do some turbulence.
So climb in the balloon.
I wanna see what it looks like when I shake it really hard.
Okay.
Man, what's he doin' here? Well, he kind of snuck up on me, Joe.
I couldn't avoid him.
Fine.
But don't tell anybody.
So what? So I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut for two months? Who said anything about two months? That's how long it takes to circumnavigate the globe in a balloon.
Two months? Joe, you said I'd be back this weekend.
Theoretically, if you went through a wormhole or somethin'.
Aw, geez.
Joe! You're the one who didn't wanna pay for the lightning machine! I don't wanna spend two months doin' this crap! - Well, scrub the mission.
- No, I can't.
The eyes of the nation are upon me.
Oh, man! All right.
I'll tell ya what.
Give me a little time to figure out a graceful exit, all right? Well, how much time do you need? Two weeks.
I'll give you six hours.
Twelve hours.
Deal.
Hey, Dave.
Hey.
I couldn't get any sleep last night.
How about you? - I did fine.
- Really? I was so worried about Mr.
James.
That was really rough turbulence he hit over the Persian Gulf.
Yeah.
I wouldn't worry too much about Mr.
James.
Really? But were you watching it? I mean, really, it was like someone physically grabbed the capsule and was just shaking it and shaking it and shaking it! Yeah.
It-It was a lot like that.
Where are you now, sir? All right.
For the last time, I'm up in the air in a balloon! Yeah, of course.
But over which country? Uh, I-I don't know.
One of them, you know, foreign countries.
I see.
Yeah.
So-So tell us, how far up are you? Oh, I'm, like-- Oh, gee, uh, gotta be 40, No, that-that can't be right.
Ah! Oh, doggone it! What am I thinkin'? I got-- I got that wrong.
I'm, like, Boy, am I up there! Gosh! It's so high, the people-- the people look like ants down there.
Mr.
James, what exactly is going on up there? I'm balloonin' my ass off.
I thought that was obvious.
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Something's happening.
I'm gettin' a little turbulence.
I gotta go! [ Steady Beep .]
What do you think Jimmy's doing up there? Could you ask me that question again in one hour and 13 minutes? You know what I think he's doing? I think he's faking the whole thing.
I don't think he's in a balloon at all.
Really? Really.
Hmm.
It's almost as if he was faking this whole thing on a soundstage down on the 10th floor with Joe.
Exactly.
I mean, it's almost just like they-they went-- Dave! You knew! I was sworn to secrecy.
Well, how long have you been keeping this secret? Uh, 10 hours and 48 minutes.
You know that this is completely and totally unethical.
I know it wasn't great journalism.
No, I'm talking about that you didn't tell me.
- Mr.
James's balloon crashed.
- What? It's on the TV.
They don't know much, but it definitely crashed.
And so the desperate search for solo balloonist Jimmy James continues.
The massive rescue effort is under way for lost solo balloonist Jimmy James.
This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.
You know, Lisa, I'm generally considered the most callous person in the office.
But today, I gladly pass that hat to you.
You see? I tried to tell you.
I tried to warn you that it was dangerous.
But nobody would listen to me.
I told everybody I thought it was-- Get a grip on yourself! I can't help it! Oh, my God! No, I'm supposed to do that to you! That's okay.
It kind of calmed me down.
Ew! What's in your mouth? Oh.
Uh-- Well, Dave, I hope you're proud of yourself.
Look, I-I told him, in no uncertain terms, that if he didn't end this thing in 12 hours, I was gonna blow the whistle.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doin' here? Will you two shut up and get out of here? I'm about to go on the air! Why did you crash the balloon? Part of my graceful exit.
I thought that's what you wanted here.
[ Joe .]
We're on in five-- Get out, get out, get out! four, three-- Hello, world.
It's me, Jimmy James.
I'm safe and sound somewhere here near the Kuwaiti desert.
And it was-- Ooh, boy, it was lookin' bad.
Lookin' bad for me, but, fortunately, I was rescued through the efforts of a wonderful man-- wonderful man by the name of Abdul Aziz.
Come on out here, Abdul.
Hey.
Hey.
Abdul is a Bedouin.
He found me, he revived me.
Now he's gonna take me out of the country via camel train.
Isn't that right, Abdul? So tell me, is there any way I can possibly thank ya? There's one thing.
A great favor.
Yes.
My people have suffered for many moons because of this man Bill Gates and his many complicated software platforms which should be outlawed.
Oh, well, see, unfortunately, I don't have the power to do that, Abdul.
[ Snaps Fingers .]
Shucks.
Yeah.
But maybe our governments will see fit to be touched and-and finally grant you your wish.
That would be a most blessed day.
Yes.
Also, please abolish the Microsoft Internet Explorer in favor of the new Jimmy James Web Browser-- Oh.
which can be purchased at computer retailer stores everywhere.
I see, I see.
Wonderful.
Uh-oh.
Looks like we're losin' our video feed here.
So I tell ya what.
Say good-bye to everyone, Abdul.
Good-bye! And thanks again, everyone! Good job.
[ Chuckles .]
Thanks.
Accent wasn't too much? No, no, it was just right.
Just right.
Schwarzenegger? Yeah, yeah.
Good.
So did you recover from your mission? Hmm! Almost, almost.
I still got a little sand in my shorts.
Mr.
James, I'm sorry.
I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm not gonna be able to keep quiet about this.
Oh, come on, Lisa.
It's not such a big deal.
Yes, it is.
This is not like I was fakin' the Apollo moon landing or anything.
Now, that-that was a big deal.
What? Nothin'.
I gotta go.
What? Hey! Nothin'.
[ Muttering .]
Hey, Bill? Yeah? This is just coffee, right? [ Chuckles .]
Right.
You sure? No-No-No spit? No chaw? No snuff? Pure jamoke, partner.
As a matter of fact, I've given up chewing tobacco altogether.
You have? Well, that's great.
What made you change your mind? Well, I went home and thought long and hard about what you said about chewing tobacco and the dangers it poses.
And then I woke up and had five ulcers on my gums, so I quit.
Yeah, well, good for you.
Good for you.
But what are you gonna do about your hourly nicotine fix? Oh, I'm giving the patch a try again.
Oh.
Oh, good.
Good luck with that.
'Cause I gotta tell you, watching you cram that crap into your mouth was really a low point in our personal relationship.
[ Chuckles .]
Well, nowhere to go but up, right? Let's hope.
Thanks, Dave.
Good luck.
[ Siren Wailing .]
Please maintain current positions.
Incoming message.
Apparently, Mr.
James has a very important announcement he'd like to make.
If it's important, Matthew should be here for this.
Right.
- Um, I'm right here.
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Whatever.
Why doesn't anybody notice me anymore? So what's the announcement, Jim? Well, it's-it's more of a puzzle, actually.
A puzzle? Yeah.
Riddle me this, Boy Wonder.
What has two arms, two legs, $5.
7 billion, and is gonna circumnavigate the globe in a hot-air balloon? No.
Oh, yeah.
No, no.
Yeah, yeah.
Tonight at 1900 hours-- Wait.
I'm good at these.
Let me guess.
Hang on a second.
- Matthew, I already gave the answer.
- No, I know it.
I got it.
It's Rupert "Birdoch.
" Get it? It's Rupert Murdoch, but I put a "bird" in there-- Matthew, I think what Mr.
James is trying to say is that he's going to circle the world in a hot-air balloon.
Okay.
Anyway, at 1900 hours, I am going to embark on a round-the-world voyage in the H.
M.
S.
Badd Boy, a miniature prototype of which my flight technician, Joe, is bringin' right in.
- Thanks, Joe.
- Oh, awesome model, Joe.
Thanks.
Mr.
James gave me a budget of 15 grand, but I managed to make it for a little under seven bucks.
Uh, Joe, I was gonna ask you about that other 14,000.
Look, it lights up.
Oh, cool! I like that.
Okay, good.
Anyway-- So what's gonna happen is, I'll be in here, and we'll begin the mission by making a straight, vertical ascent up thataway.
Okay, ready? Here we go.
[ Crashes .]
Of course, the real thing's gonna be a little better than that, isn't it, Joe? Yeah.
Yeah.
Mr.
James, you are not going to fly around the world in a hot-air balloon.
- Oh, yes, I am.
- With whom? - All by myself.
When? Today.
Why? Because it's there.
What's there? What's where? Who's on first? I don't know.
Third base! Bill, shut up.
Mr.
James, what if something goes wrong and you get fatally injured or even killed? Well, let them say this about me: "He died with his balloon on.
" Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may? - Go ahead.
- Thank you.
Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year, another billionaire is tryin' to fly around the world in a balloon.
Well, why the hell do you think I'm doin' this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense.
Bill Gates practically called me a Nancy boy.
- Do you know anything about hot-air ballooning? - Nope.
Do you know how to chart a course? Nope.
- Do you know what makes a hot-air balloon fly? - Joe? [ Joe .]
Hot air.
See? I'll be fine.
The camera crews are gonna arrive around 1:00.
I'll be making my official good-byes from here.
I'll see you then.
I'm not letting you go, Mr.
James.
It's too dangerous.
I appreciate your concern, Beth, but I don't wanna hear any more arguments.
My destiny awaits me.
Like I said before, I'm not leavin' right away.
I'll be back here today before settin' off on my voyage.
Okay, we'll just pick this up later.
That'll be fine.
Worried about the big chief, little chief? Well, yeah, Bill, I am kind of worried about it.
There a fine line between eccentricity and downright suicidal foolhardiness.
I know.
I walk that line every Saturday night.
What? Nothing.
I wouldn't worry about Jimmy.
- Oh.
Why not? - Well, I don't know.
I just wouldn't.
Boy, I picked a hell of a day to quit smoking.
You did? Oh, terrific, Bill.
Good for you.
Thanks.
I'm tryin' not to make a big deal about it.
I understand that.
- You've got my full support.
- Well, I appreciate that.
I don't know how I ever started.
Filthy habit.
Oh, I know.
But it's hard to quit, especially when you start at a young age.
But I hope you-- What-What-What's that? Chaw.
Chaw.
Chewing tobacco.
You want some? No.
No.
Why are you chewing tobacco? Well, I gave up smoking, Dave, not nicotine.
Chewing tobacco's just as dangerous as smoking.
Yeah, but to my gums, not my lungs.
I'm tryin' to mix it up a little here.
Come on.
Sure you don't want some? - Absolutely, yeah.
No, no.
- Your funeral.
Bill? Hmm? Take that crap out of your mouth.
[ Mumbling .]
Oh, sorry.
[ Beth .]
Dave, where is he? In my office, getting ready to make his big entrance.
- Isn't there anything that you can do to stop him? - He'll be fine.
- But what if something goes wrong? - Oh, just relax.
Jimmy's as safe as a bug in a baby's bottom.
How can you people be so calm about this? Well, I do it by imagining that Mr.
James is making a mystical journey into the realm of magic.
[ Drumroll .]
Oh, my God.
See? - What's going on now? - It's 1:00.
[ Man On P.
A.
.]
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, presenting the president and C.
E.
O.
of Jimmy James Incorporated, Jimmy James! [ Orchestra: "Hail To The Chief" .]
- [ Chattering .]
- Thank you! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
In the grand tradition of Phineas Fogg, Richard Branson and that guy who owns all the Oriental steakhouses, I am about to embark on a grand adventure.
And now, I will be giving my exclusive, preflight interview to WNYX's own star reporter, Lisa Miller.
Lisa? Mr.
James, I think the question everyone wants to hear the answer to is: Why? Why? Well, uh, a thirst for danger is certainly part of it.
A desire to-to live life to its fullest.
But I think the real reason-- the real reason is to show up certain so-called billionaires who don't have the guts to take to the skies.
I'm talkin' to you, Billy Gates! Where do you plan to depart from, sir? Well, that's a-- that's a secret, Lisa Miller.
But as soon as all this is over, I'll be gettin' in my private jet and flying to a secret location where my balloon-o-sphere is waiting.
Why all the secrecy? The secrecy.
Well, the secrecy.
For one reason and one reason only-- to avoid potential saboteurs.
That's right, Billy boy.
You're not gonna get a chance to mess this one up! Good luck to you, sir.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now-- [ Clears Throat .]
if you'll all excuse me, somewhere out there, there's a balloon waitin' with my name on it.
Literally.
Joe! Mind if I join ya? Hmm.
Help yourself.
- Do you know if Jimmy's launched yet? - No word yet.
[ Groans .]
Don't even think about it.
Um, here.
No, keep it.
Keep it.
That's your cup from now on and forever.
What if I accidentally spit in your cup? Don't.
I won't.
But what if it's an accident? This is your cup.
This is my cup.
This cup is for chaw spit.
This cup is just for coffee.
Got it? Got it.
Good, good.
Oh, Bill! Hey, that's my cup! You guys, Mr.
James is on TV.
Oh, my God, there he is.
There he is.
Oh, my God.
He's actually doing it.
[ Man .]
The hazards for Mr.
James will be low altitude atmospheric disturbances-- You've picked a hell of a time to actually start working.
[ Typing Rapidly .]
Oh, I'm not-- I'm not working, Dave.
I'm-- I'm just-- I'm so nervous about Mr.
James that I'm, you know, just hitting keys randomly.
Well, be careful you don't accidentally write something.
Yeah.
You guys, they're going live to the capsule.
He's gonna say something.
We now go live to Jimmy James.
Hello, America.
Well, as you can see, I have safely lifted off at 1900 hours from my super-secret launching pad somewhere near the Sahara Desert.
All systems-- All systems are go.
Mr.
James, tell us, where are you now? Well, gosh, I don't know.
Let's-- Let's take a-- take a look out the window here.
Oh-Oh! Sorry, can't look.
Mr.
James, clearly you're aware other people have tried this before.
I have to ask, just what is it that makes you think that-- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
[ Beeping .]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
My red light here seems to indicate that we're gonna run into some rough weather.
I hope this doesn't spell disaster for my mission.
But if it does, I'm sure all of you will get the blow-by-blow account from my favorite news radio station, WNYX in New York.
Sorry, folks, I gotta go.
Well, apparently, ladies and gentlemen, we have lost our signal.
That was billionaire sportsman Jimmy James flying high above Egypt in his hot-air balloon attempting to-- [ Clicks Off .]
Well, he's certainly getting his plugs in.
Plugs? Plugs? Mr.
James is and all you can think about is his hair? - I'll go talk to her.
- Thanks.
Oh! [ Beth .]
I'm gonna go straight home and watch the coverage of Jimmy's flight.
- Are you coming, Dave? Are you okay? - Uh-huh.
Okay, listen, if anything happens with Mr.
James between now and the time I get home, call me, okay? - Uh-huh.
- I'm gonna call you when I get home to let you know I'm home.
-Uh-huh.
-If you wanna give me a $500,000 million raise, say, "Uh-huh.
" - Nope.
- [ Sighs .]
We have reestablished visual and audio contact with millionaire Jimmy-- [ Jimmy .]
Billionaire.
billionaire Jimmy James.
Yeah.
Hi, Mr.
James.
Good to hear from you again.
Tell us, what is your present location? I'm up in a balloon.
Yes, sir, we know that.
What I meant was, geographically.
[ Jimmy .]
Oh, yeah.
My navigation system here would seem to indicate that we are flying over a region of the former Soviet Republic.
[ Spits .]
[ Cup Shatters .]
[ TV: Jimmy Continues, Indistinct .]
Mr.
James? Mr.
James? [ Jimmy Sneezes .]
[ Sighs .]
Mr.
James, come out from behind that curtain.
What are you doing? You're supposed to be up in a balloon.
I am.
I'm in the balloon.
Mr.
James! Okay, fine.
Come on in.
Well? Wow.
This is-- This is unbelievable.
I mean, you've been faking the whole thing.
What thing? The balloon mission.
No, no.
Faking? Come on, Dave.
That's just a really strong word.
Dynamite stuff in that last segment, Jimbo.
Thanks.
Appreciate it.
I really appreciate it.
Dave, you just-- You can't be so judgmental about these things, you know? How do you expect to keep an operation this massive a secret? What's so massive about it? Well, you're obviously employing a lot of people.
No.
Using a lot of people is exactly what went wrong back in Dallas.
Huh? This is strictly a three-man operation.
Uh-huh.
Well, is-- Where's Joe? [ Joe .]
Mr.
James, at 0700 hours, I wanna try and do some turbulence.
So climb in the balloon.
I wanna see what it looks like when I shake it really hard.
Okay.
Man, what's he doin' here? Well, he kind of snuck up on me, Joe.
I couldn't avoid him.
Fine.
But don't tell anybody.
So what? So I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut for two months? Who said anything about two months? That's how long it takes to circumnavigate the globe in a balloon.
Two months? Joe, you said I'd be back this weekend.
Theoretically, if you went through a wormhole or somethin'.
Aw, geez.
Joe! You're the one who didn't wanna pay for the lightning machine! I don't wanna spend two months doin' this crap! - Well, scrub the mission.
- No, I can't.
The eyes of the nation are upon me.
Oh, man! All right.
I'll tell ya what.
Give me a little time to figure out a graceful exit, all right? Well, how much time do you need? Two weeks.
I'll give you six hours.
Twelve hours.
Deal.
Hey, Dave.
Hey.
I couldn't get any sleep last night.
How about you? - I did fine.
- Really? I was so worried about Mr.
James.
That was really rough turbulence he hit over the Persian Gulf.
Yeah.
I wouldn't worry too much about Mr.
James.
Really? But were you watching it? I mean, really, it was like someone physically grabbed the capsule and was just shaking it and shaking it and shaking it! Yeah.
It-It was a lot like that.
Where are you now, sir? All right.
For the last time, I'm up in the air in a balloon! Yeah, of course.
But over which country? Uh, I-I don't know.
One of them, you know, foreign countries.
I see.
Yeah.
So-So tell us, how far up are you? Oh, I'm, like-- Oh, gee, uh, gotta be 40, No, that-that can't be right.
Ah! Oh, doggone it! What am I thinkin'? I got-- I got that wrong.
I'm, like, Boy, am I up there! Gosh! It's so high, the people-- the people look like ants down there.
Mr.
James, what exactly is going on up there? I'm balloonin' my ass off.
I thought that was obvious.
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Something's happening.
I'm gettin' a little turbulence.
I gotta go! [ Steady Beep .]
What do you think Jimmy's doing up there? Could you ask me that question again in one hour and 13 minutes? You know what I think he's doing? I think he's faking the whole thing.
I don't think he's in a balloon at all.
Really? Really.
Hmm.
It's almost as if he was faking this whole thing on a soundstage down on the 10th floor with Joe.
Exactly.
I mean, it's almost just like they-they went-- Dave! You knew! I was sworn to secrecy.
Well, how long have you been keeping this secret? Uh, 10 hours and 48 minutes.
You know that this is completely and totally unethical.
I know it wasn't great journalism.
No, I'm talking about that you didn't tell me.
- Mr.
James's balloon crashed.
- What? It's on the TV.
They don't know much, but it definitely crashed.
And so the desperate search for solo balloonist Jimmy James continues.
The massive rescue effort is under way for lost solo balloonist Jimmy James.
This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.
You know, Lisa, I'm generally considered the most callous person in the office.
But today, I gladly pass that hat to you.
You see? I tried to tell you.
I tried to warn you that it was dangerous.
But nobody would listen to me.
I told everybody I thought it was-- Get a grip on yourself! I can't help it! Oh, my God! No, I'm supposed to do that to you! That's okay.
It kind of calmed me down.
Ew! What's in your mouth? Oh.
Uh-- Well, Dave, I hope you're proud of yourself.
Look, I-I told him, in no uncertain terms, that if he didn't end this thing in 12 hours, I was gonna blow the whistle.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doin' here? Will you two shut up and get out of here? I'm about to go on the air! Why did you crash the balloon? Part of my graceful exit.
I thought that's what you wanted here.
[ Joe .]
We're on in five-- Get out, get out, get out! four, three-- Hello, world.
It's me, Jimmy James.
I'm safe and sound somewhere here near the Kuwaiti desert.
And it was-- Ooh, boy, it was lookin' bad.
Lookin' bad for me, but, fortunately, I was rescued through the efforts of a wonderful man-- wonderful man by the name of Abdul Aziz.
Come on out here, Abdul.
Hey.
Hey.
Abdul is a Bedouin.
He found me, he revived me.
Now he's gonna take me out of the country via camel train.
Isn't that right, Abdul? So tell me, is there any way I can possibly thank ya? There's one thing.
A great favor.
Yes.
My people have suffered for many moons because of this man Bill Gates and his many complicated software platforms which should be outlawed.
Oh, well, see, unfortunately, I don't have the power to do that, Abdul.
[ Snaps Fingers .]
Shucks.
Yeah.
But maybe our governments will see fit to be touched and-and finally grant you your wish.
That would be a most blessed day.
Yes.
Also, please abolish the Microsoft Internet Explorer in favor of the new Jimmy James Web Browser-- Oh.
which can be purchased at computer retailer stores everywhere.
I see, I see.
Wonderful.
Uh-oh.
Looks like we're losin' our video feed here.
So I tell ya what.
Say good-bye to everyone, Abdul.
Good-bye! And thanks again, everyone! Good job.
[ Chuckles .]
Thanks.
Accent wasn't too much? No, no, it was just right.
Just right.
Schwarzenegger? Yeah, yeah.
Good.
So did you recover from your mission? Hmm! Almost, almost.
I still got a little sand in my shorts.
Mr.
James, I'm sorry.
I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm not gonna be able to keep quiet about this.
Oh, come on, Lisa.
It's not such a big deal.
Yes, it is.
This is not like I was fakin' the Apollo moon landing or anything.
Now, that-that was a big deal.
What? Nothin'.
I gotta go.
What? Hey! Nothin'.
[ Muttering .]
Hey, Bill? Yeah? This is just coffee, right? [ Chuckles .]
Right.
You sure? No-No-No spit? No chaw? No snuff? Pure jamoke, partner.
As a matter of fact, I've given up chewing tobacco altogether.
You have? Well, that's great.
What made you change your mind? Well, I went home and thought long and hard about what you said about chewing tobacco and the dangers it poses.
And then I woke up and had five ulcers on my gums, so I quit.
Yeah, well, good for you.
Good for you.
But what are you gonna do about your hourly nicotine fix? Oh, I'm giving the patch a try again.
Oh.
Oh, good.
Good luck with that.
'Cause I gotta tell you, watching you cram that crap into your mouth was really a low point in our personal relationship.
[ Chuckles .]
Well, nowhere to go but up, right? Let's hope.
Thanks, Dave.
Good luck.
[ Siren Wailing .]