NewsRadio (1995) s05e12 Episode Script
Apartment
And you'll notice the moldings are in very good shape.
Mm-hm.
All original.
Great, 'cause I'm a huge fan of moldings.
Ah.
Now, the toilet is a little temperamental.
But it's functional.
I wouldn't have my toilet be any other way.
Now you will see the, uh, occasional roach in the kitchen.
Well, we're all God's children, huh? You really want this apartment, don't you? Desperately.
I just lost the lease on the place I'm living in now and this place is perfect for me.
Everything does seem to be in order.
But you do need a reference.
That shouldn't be a problem.
So do I get it? You're in the running.
But I do have another applicant that needs to take a look.
Oh.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hi, I'm sorry I'm late.
Hi, Miss Miller.
How are you? Lisa? Dave? Are you looking at this apartment? Yeah.
Are you? Yeah.
Oh, you two are friends? Not anymore.
Well, we used to be.
[.]
[.]
Joe, could I see you for a sec? What's up? Correct me if I'm wrong but this is the official WNYX web page.
Am I correct? Created with Garrelliware.
Oh, good.
That's where people come to learn a bit more about who we are, what we do, right? It's all about information.
Good.
I was just checking.
'Cause see, this web page is crap.
You know what? I'm guessing you're new to all this Internet stuff.
For the uninitiated, a lot of this can be confusing.
How can it be with only three things? "Joe Garrelli's College Basketball Pick of the Week.
" I'm 10-6 against the spread.
Some scam where you get college girls to e-mail you their phone numbers.
Presented as a survey, which is totally legal.
All right.
Then there's a blurry picture of some guy lying on a rock.
It's not some guy.
It's Bigfoot.
And she's pregnant.
Okay.
Joe, this sucks.
I know we haven't had a whole lot of hits, but word of mouth takes a while to build up.
I've been giving you extra Webmaster pay for the past six months.
All right.
Please don't cut the Webmaster pay, okay? Just give me till the end of the week and I'll fix it.
No, till the end of the day.
Then, uh, after that, I'm just gonna pull the plug.
What the hell is that? Well, that is the official WNYX crappy web page.
No, not the web page.
Who's that lying on that rock? It's Bigfoot.
No, it isn't.
Where'd you get that? Dude, I'd like to tell you but that would put the life of a trusted source in jeopardy.
That's me, isn't it? On my rock in the park.
Shirtless.
Looks like a pregnant Bigfoot to me.
Well, maybe it is.
It won't be the first time I've been used like this.
[SOBS.]
Oh.
Thanks for covering, Joe.
No problems.
Keep those pictures coming.
Okay.
Come on.
Fair is fair.
I saw it first.
Yeah, you were there, like, Yeah.
That's how first works.
I saw it first.
I win.
I get the apartment, all right? Dave, I need that apartment.
My apartment is tiny.
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna lose my apartment.
Yes.
My apartment is tiny and in a crime-ridden neighborhood.
Really? I used to come over to your place.
You never mentioned it.
Because I wanted you to keep coming over.
Uh-huh.
It's a calculated risk.
All right.
Well, I guess ultimately this comes down to a decision by the landlady.
Right.
Yeah, well, on paper, at least, we're pretty much the same.
I mean, same age.
Same occupation.
Same credit history.
Right.
But I saw it first.
I win.
No way.
No.
Yes.
Dave, you know what? There is one thing that will differentiate the two of us.
What? She wants a reference.
So whoever gets the best reference, gets the apartment.
Yeah, I suppose that's true.
Oh, Matthew, have you seen Mr.
James? Yeah, he's in your office.
Oh, great.
Can you give me a personal reference for--? Sir, I need a-- Shh.
I asked him first.
First is first.
Whoa, whoa.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa! I sense a little hostility between my two favorite radio personalities.
No, just a little friendly rivalry.
Oh, yeah? You two sleeping together again? No.
No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just assumed because you were yelling at each other, so No, no, we-- You see, sir, we both want this-- Actually, one of us deserves.
Yeah.
This really excellent apartment, right? But we both need a personal reference from somebody-- I asked him first.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Would you shut up? All right.
All right.
All right! You both want my reference? Well, yes, sir.
You're the only world famous media mogul we know.
And you'll abide by my judgment? Yes.
Mm-hm.
No whining, fighting, crying? And whoever doesn't get my endorsement will live with that? Right.
Mm-hm.
Okay.
My decision is-- Since there is no possible way to make a decision between these two fine employees, I am asking you, the staff, to make the decision for me.
What is this, an election or something? No.
It's a popularity contest.
I want you guys to talk about it amongst yourselves and tell me which one gets the reference.
Thank you.
Well, I think Lisa should get it.
Well, why? Well, because, Dave What? You already have a pad.
A pad! Get it? [LAUGHING.]
Very funny joke, Max.
I know flattery when I smell it.
All right.
Well, why don't you tell us about the apartment? Okay.
It's a pre-war one-bedroom, has beautiful views, hardwood floors.
And also, it's by the park so I can get a dog.
And? And that's about it.
DAVE: Really? Interesting that you didn't even mention the alcove.
Perfect for a big screen TV.
Or that every apartment in the building gets free cable.
Dave, who would wanna watch television when you have those beautiful bay windows? They need black-out curtains.
What? Why on earth do those windows need black-out curtains? So the sunlight doesn't reflect off the big screen TV.
[GASPS.]
Dave, you do not deserve this apartment.
I was just thinking the same of you.
Why don't you two just share the apartment? Why would we do that? Well, you're sleeping together again, aren't you? No.
No.
I just assumed because you're fighting so much.
That's what I thought.
They fight when they have sex? Oh, yeah.
Ooh, kinky stuff.
I like it.
Who wants to see the grand opening of the new WNYX website? Who needs the Internet? I got sex right here.
Okay, so you're staying here? You bet I am.
Alrighty.
Good.
I'm coming.
Count me in.
All right, Joe.
Where's the, uh, web page extravaganza? You're in it.
What? Ta-da.
What's going on? The latest breakthrough in WNYX web page technology.
The 24-hour break room Internet-cam.
We're on the Internet right now? Twenty-four hours a day.
Seven days a week.
This will give people a chance to see the real inner workings of a big city newsroom.
Hello, geeks.
Beth, those are our fans.
Oh, you don't really think they're watching, do you? Why not? Don't these live Internet feeds have, you know, naked women going to the bathroom and stuff like that? Yeah.
We do lack a certain competitive edge.
I could sing.
Yeah, that will really suck 'em in.
Do you have any suggestions? Why, you must be sweltering in that dress.
Okay.
Before I decide who deserves the apartment, you're gonna have to answer a few questions.
What kind of questions? Oh, you know, the usual.
Question one.
If I was walking around in the desert, really, really thirsty, would you give me a drink? What? Just answer the question.
Well, yes, I would give you a drink.
Lisa.
From my own canteen.
Round one to Lisa.
Oh, come on.
Look, this-- This is dumb.
Another point to Lisa.
Matthew, come on.
You don't want that apartment, do you? All right.
All right.
I'll shut up.
Question two.
If I was sick, what would you give me? Tea.
Cocoa.
Are those your answers? I'm switching to soup.
Stickin' with cocoa.
Soup.
Good call, David.
Ah.
Okay.
Let's see.
Question three.
Who is your favorite member of the Brat Pack? Emilio Estevez.
Ally Sheedy.
Mm.
Sorry.
No points awarded.
The correct answer is Judge Reinhold.
Judge Reinhold.
LISA: Matthew.
Judge Reinhold is not a member of the Brat Pack.
That's gonna cost you a point, Lisa.
Okay.
Lightning round.
If my name weren't Matthew, what would you name me? Craig.
Kent.
If I was a girl? Megan.
Suzanne.
From another country? Helga.
Maria.
From another planet.
Gorbleena.
Matthew.
Correct, David.
What is the final score? Yeah.
Oh, I'm afraid we have a dead heat here.
What? Don't worry.
I'll just come up with some more, uh, questions and we'll settle this out.
Why don't you take some parting gifts? Vitamins.
Pencils.
[.]
Joe.
What's up? I have something to tell you.
I'm pregnant with your baby.
Whoa, heavy.
Shouldn't we be married? Hey, kids.
Beth, you know a marriage based in a big city newsroom like this doesn't stand a chance.
Hey, what the hell's going on? [QUIETLY.]
We're spicing it up for the camera.
Oh, you got any hits yet? A 150 so far.
Wow.
[LOUDLY.]
Okay.
I will leave you two lovebirds in peace.
I-I just came to get a soda.
A Jamesmont soda.
A fully-owned subsidiary of Jimmy James Incorporated.
Hey, everybody.
Field trip.
What? Dave says we can use our lunch hour to check out that apartment.
That sounds like fun.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, um, are we going to be married or not? Stay tuned.
[.]
I'm getting a very sort of Dave-y kind of vibe.
Actually.
Well, me too.
Wait a minute.
Over here I'm getting a real-- Real Lisa feeling.
Oh, yeah.
It's like a warm spot in a pool.
Oh, yeah, Dave.
I could totally see you in this place.
Right here, you're picture of your mom on the wall.
With you on the phone here talking to your mom.
With you on the couch right here thinking about your mom.
Hey.
You guys didn't tell me this place had a gourmet kitchen.
Well, neither one of us is much of a cook.
Yeah.
Oh, that's a shame.
It's gorgeous.
It's got those gleaming white sinks.
And that Hansel and Gretel oven-- The man who lives in this apartment need never go hungry again.
Yes.
But, Max, who do you picture living here? Mm-hm.
Oh.
Uh I abstain.
Look, you guys wanted to see the apartment.
You've seen the apartment.
Let's get back to work.
Just the thing is, Dave, it's very hard to choose between the two of you.
Well, I've made a decision that avoids the problem entirely.
And what's that, Maxie? I've decided to vote.
Well, good.
For myself.
I want this apartment.
And I will have it! [.]
Well, it's like you said.
It's a lovely space.
You're obviously a woman with impeccable taste.
[LAUGHS.]
Yes.
I think so too.
Ah.
Au revoir to you.
I cannot believe the landlady is doing this.
She wasn't taking any more applications.
Well, I think she was very impressed by my Peabody Award.
This is totally outrageous.
You know that.
We've suffered for this apartment without having to deal with you too.
You don't know what suffering is.
I live in an extended-stay motel in Fort Lee, New Jersey.
Do you have any idea what that's like? Oh, come on, Max.
Fort Lee is great.
Yeah.
I mean, you've got that fort and Look, you're trying to take the place away from us.
I bet you didn't even notice the crown moldings.
You didn't mention it has the finest gourmet kitchen ever seen.
Well, so what? For a foodie, a gourmet kitchen is indispensable.
A foodie? One who appreciates, nay, adores food.
Otherwise known as a glutton.
Otherwise known as a connoisseur.
Now, if you'll excuse me, one of us has to work for a living so we can pay for our new apartment.
Can't you threaten to fire him or something? [SIGHS.]
Inflicting suffering on him is pointless.
He already lives in Fort Lee.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
How am I doing? Good.
But you can't move.
Keep still.
Okay.
Okay.
Are people gonna buy this? That you're an alien? That I'm a dead alien.
Not if you keep moving your lips.
Okay.
Now, listen.
I'm just gonna cut into the plaster breast plate, If I go past that, just say when.
When? Or "ow," whatever.
Get the-- Get the lens cap.
Oh, God.
Well, Beth, I can't think of a better way to spend our coffee break.
That's right, Joe.
If it's a choice between actual alien autopsy or coffee break, you can bet that I will always choose alien autopsy.
That's just the way we are here at WNYX.
Okay, now let's cut this bad boy open.
Oh, God.
That tickles.
Shut up.
Okay, kids, come on.
It's time to decide on the apartment.
Coming.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[.]
Okay, folks, we've all had a chance to hear the individual stances on the issues.
So talk to me.
Let's get it on.
Well, I'm a little uncomfortable voting without a secret ballot.
And why is that, Matthew? I'm a little afraid of a reprisal.
From whom? Dave and Max.
Okay, that's one for Lisa.
Joe? I've examined each candidate carefully and I've come to the following conclusion.
It's all about commitment.
Now Dave here has made a commitment to a very impressive array of consumer electronics.
While Lisa, on the other hand, has only a stereo and an alarm clock.
That stuff's expensive, Joe.
Yeah, well, so are books.
But you seem to have plenty of those things.
Well, don't my five electronic toothbrushes count for something? No.
Well, they should.
They practically eroded my gums away.
I choose Dave.
Okay.
Duly noted.
Beth.
It's a really hard decision for me to make because Dave and Lisa are both very good friends of mine.
And they're not always hitting on me like Max is.
But then I started to think, like, what if I slipped up and I said yes to Max? "Yes, you can hit on me.
" Then I would be waking up in the beautiful apartment-- That's one for Max.
So [CLEARS THROAT.]
We've got three candidates.
Three voters.
One big-ass deadlock.
Well, sir, are you gonna break the big-ass deadlock? Well, Dave, it's an emotional issue we got here, all right? I mean, life-changing choices.
Maybe sex.
Maybe violence.
Hey, this is-- This great Internet.
What? What are-- What are you talking about? I'm talking about a tie-breaking vote on the Internet.
No.
Now, sir, you can't leave this up to a random group of strangers.
I can and will.
Now scoot.
You got half an hour to prepare your statements.
Go on and get out of here.
Go on.
Okay, you.
Now what the hell are you supposed to be? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
When Joe, uh-- When Joe first approached me to play the role of Alien, I was skeptical myself, until I read the script.
I realized it's the-- It's the part of a lifetime.
Matthew, I get it.
You're an alien.
Mr.
James, if I asked you to describe Mr.
James, would you say human being? Probably not.
Thank you.
See, Alien comes from a small mining town.
He just loves life.
[.]
Gosh, working in the personnel department sure makes a girl hot.
Joe.
Sorry, Julie.
Hit the bricks.
Hi.
Joe, does she really work for me? For the next hour.
Oh.
Well, I'll be a dirty bird.
Okay.
So we interrupt this program to bring you "Decision '99: The Road to The Apartment.
" Today WNYX gives you the chance to vote on which employee deserves a really great apartment.
After each candidate speaks, you will be asked to vote.
Joe here, will tally up your votes.
Thank you, Joe.
And, uh, the winner will get a letter of recommendation from me, James James, the man so nice, they named him twice.
Okay.
Up first, Mr.
Dave Nelson.
Dave? Right there.
Thank you so much.
Yes.
Thank you, sir.
Ready, go.
Hi.
I'm Dave Nelson and I think I deserve this apartment for one simple reason.
I saw it first.
Just as Columbus claimed this great nation because he saw it first.
Although, yes, technically, he didn't really see it.
The native peoples were here first.
So they would have seen it before he did-- Okay, time.
Dave Nelson, I saw it first.
All right.
Next up is Max Lewis.
Max.
And go.
Hello.
I'm Max Lewis, news anchor and family man.
Well, actually, I don't have a family yet.
But with this apartment, I can get the process started by bringing home women.
And after all, what's more important than family? Time.
Thank you.
Next we have Lisa Miller.
Li-- Where--? Lisa? Where the hell is Li--? Lisa? LISA: Coming.
Come on.
Right here.
Go.
Hi.
My name is Lisa Miller.
One of the reasons I wanted an apartment was so that I could get a dog.
Like Daisy.
Aw.
Of course, if you don't vote for me, Daisy's gonna have to go back to the pound.
No.
I can't believe you would sink that low.
I hear some dogs are happier at the pound.
That's where their friends are.
Well, it's over.
Well, I'm not conceding.
Give it up, dude.
It's the puppy by a landslide.
Well, in that case, let me see him.
He's so cute, isn't he? He's my puppy.
[.]
Okay.
What? No, she's gonna be pleased as punch.
Yeah.
No, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Okay, bye-bye.
You can move in tomorrow.
Thank you so much, Mr.
James.
You'll be the first person we have over.
Oh, good.
Say thank you.
[BABBLING.]
Okay, that's enough.
Sorry.
Thank you.
And sir, I want to thank you too for taking me in till I can find a new place.
Oh, no problem.
You know, Fort Awesome is a lonely place in the winter.
Just me and the hounds, you know? Huh.
Hounds? Yeah.
Yeah, they're a handful.
But they keep me warm at night.
God bless their enormous canine hearts.
Well, I guess that's it for the Internet, Mr.
James.
We gave it our best shot.
Yeah, it worked too.
I mean, we got all kinds of hits and viewers and all that other computer jazz.
Why are you shutting it down, sir? Because we hit a peak, Dave.
I mean, where I come from, you got your cute girl and your puppy.
Ha.
You're talking about a happy ending there.
You've got the soul of an artist, sir.
I'll take that as a compliment.
How did the shut down go? Nothing.
I just pulled the cord from the back of the computer.
How did the others take it? Well, I really didn't have the heart to break it to 'em.
I'm gonna tell them tomorrow.
Okay.
That's probably for the best.
No! I won't go back on the air until this is settled.
But, Max, I can only love you as a friend.
But what about our secret trysts here, in-- In the break room? That was before I learned that you're not just my lover.
You're my cousin.
Surrender, earthlings.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
It's the ghost of the alien.
[IMITATES LASER BUZZING.]
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
Ha-ha.
Paralyzed.
Just as I planned.
Now we dance, alien style.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[.]
Mm-hm.
All original.
Great, 'cause I'm a huge fan of moldings.
Ah.
Now, the toilet is a little temperamental.
But it's functional.
I wouldn't have my toilet be any other way.
Now you will see the, uh, occasional roach in the kitchen.
Well, we're all God's children, huh? You really want this apartment, don't you? Desperately.
I just lost the lease on the place I'm living in now and this place is perfect for me.
Everything does seem to be in order.
But you do need a reference.
That shouldn't be a problem.
So do I get it? You're in the running.
But I do have another applicant that needs to take a look.
Oh.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hi, I'm sorry I'm late.
Hi, Miss Miller.
How are you? Lisa? Dave? Are you looking at this apartment? Yeah.
Are you? Yeah.
Oh, you two are friends? Not anymore.
Well, we used to be.
[.]
[.]
Joe, could I see you for a sec? What's up? Correct me if I'm wrong but this is the official WNYX web page.
Am I correct? Created with Garrelliware.
Oh, good.
That's where people come to learn a bit more about who we are, what we do, right? It's all about information.
Good.
I was just checking.
'Cause see, this web page is crap.
You know what? I'm guessing you're new to all this Internet stuff.
For the uninitiated, a lot of this can be confusing.
How can it be with only three things? "Joe Garrelli's College Basketball Pick of the Week.
" I'm 10-6 against the spread.
Some scam where you get college girls to e-mail you their phone numbers.
Presented as a survey, which is totally legal.
All right.
Then there's a blurry picture of some guy lying on a rock.
It's not some guy.
It's Bigfoot.
And she's pregnant.
Okay.
Joe, this sucks.
I know we haven't had a whole lot of hits, but word of mouth takes a while to build up.
I've been giving you extra Webmaster pay for the past six months.
All right.
Please don't cut the Webmaster pay, okay? Just give me till the end of the week and I'll fix it.
No, till the end of the day.
Then, uh, after that, I'm just gonna pull the plug.
What the hell is that? Well, that is the official WNYX crappy web page.
No, not the web page.
Who's that lying on that rock? It's Bigfoot.
No, it isn't.
Where'd you get that? Dude, I'd like to tell you but that would put the life of a trusted source in jeopardy.
That's me, isn't it? On my rock in the park.
Shirtless.
Looks like a pregnant Bigfoot to me.
Well, maybe it is.
It won't be the first time I've been used like this.
[SOBS.]
Oh.
Thanks for covering, Joe.
No problems.
Keep those pictures coming.
Okay.
Come on.
Fair is fair.
I saw it first.
Yeah, you were there, like, Yeah.
That's how first works.
I saw it first.
I win.
I get the apartment, all right? Dave, I need that apartment.
My apartment is tiny.
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna lose my apartment.
Yes.
My apartment is tiny and in a crime-ridden neighborhood.
Really? I used to come over to your place.
You never mentioned it.
Because I wanted you to keep coming over.
Uh-huh.
It's a calculated risk.
All right.
Well, I guess ultimately this comes down to a decision by the landlady.
Right.
Yeah, well, on paper, at least, we're pretty much the same.
I mean, same age.
Same occupation.
Same credit history.
Right.
But I saw it first.
I win.
No way.
No.
Yes.
Dave, you know what? There is one thing that will differentiate the two of us.
What? She wants a reference.
So whoever gets the best reference, gets the apartment.
Yeah, I suppose that's true.
Oh, Matthew, have you seen Mr.
James? Yeah, he's in your office.
Oh, great.
Can you give me a personal reference for--? Sir, I need a-- Shh.
I asked him first.
First is first.
Whoa, whoa.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa! I sense a little hostility between my two favorite radio personalities.
No, just a little friendly rivalry.
Oh, yeah? You two sleeping together again? No.
No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just assumed because you were yelling at each other, so No, no, we-- You see, sir, we both want this-- Actually, one of us deserves.
Yeah.
This really excellent apartment, right? But we both need a personal reference from somebody-- I asked him first.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Would you shut up? All right.
All right.
All right! You both want my reference? Well, yes, sir.
You're the only world famous media mogul we know.
And you'll abide by my judgment? Yes.
Mm-hm.
No whining, fighting, crying? And whoever doesn't get my endorsement will live with that? Right.
Mm-hm.
Okay.
My decision is-- Since there is no possible way to make a decision between these two fine employees, I am asking you, the staff, to make the decision for me.
What is this, an election or something? No.
It's a popularity contest.
I want you guys to talk about it amongst yourselves and tell me which one gets the reference.
Thank you.
Well, I think Lisa should get it.
Well, why? Well, because, Dave What? You already have a pad.
A pad! Get it? [LAUGHING.]
Very funny joke, Max.
I know flattery when I smell it.
All right.
Well, why don't you tell us about the apartment? Okay.
It's a pre-war one-bedroom, has beautiful views, hardwood floors.
And also, it's by the park so I can get a dog.
And? And that's about it.
DAVE: Really? Interesting that you didn't even mention the alcove.
Perfect for a big screen TV.
Or that every apartment in the building gets free cable.
Dave, who would wanna watch television when you have those beautiful bay windows? They need black-out curtains.
What? Why on earth do those windows need black-out curtains? So the sunlight doesn't reflect off the big screen TV.
[GASPS.]
Dave, you do not deserve this apartment.
I was just thinking the same of you.
Why don't you two just share the apartment? Why would we do that? Well, you're sleeping together again, aren't you? No.
No.
I just assumed because you're fighting so much.
That's what I thought.
They fight when they have sex? Oh, yeah.
Ooh, kinky stuff.
I like it.
Who wants to see the grand opening of the new WNYX website? Who needs the Internet? I got sex right here.
Okay, so you're staying here? You bet I am.
Alrighty.
Good.
I'm coming.
Count me in.
All right, Joe.
Where's the, uh, web page extravaganza? You're in it.
What? Ta-da.
What's going on? The latest breakthrough in WNYX web page technology.
The 24-hour break room Internet-cam.
We're on the Internet right now? Twenty-four hours a day.
Seven days a week.
This will give people a chance to see the real inner workings of a big city newsroom.
Hello, geeks.
Beth, those are our fans.
Oh, you don't really think they're watching, do you? Why not? Don't these live Internet feeds have, you know, naked women going to the bathroom and stuff like that? Yeah.
We do lack a certain competitive edge.
I could sing.
Yeah, that will really suck 'em in.
Do you have any suggestions? Why, you must be sweltering in that dress.
Okay.
Before I decide who deserves the apartment, you're gonna have to answer a few questions.
What kind of questions? Oh, you know, the usual.
Question one.
If I was walking around in the desert, really, really thirsty, would you give me a drink? What? Just answer the question.
Well, yes, I would give you a drink.
Lisa.
From my own canteen.
Round one to Lisa.
Oh, come on.
Look, this-- This is dumb.
Another point to Lisa.
Matthew, come on.
You don't want that apartment, do you? All right.
All right.
I'll shut up.
Question two.
If I was sick, what would you give me? Tea.
Cocoa.
Are those your answers? I'm switching to soup.
Stickin' with cocoa.
Soup.
Good call, David.
Ah.
Okay.
Let's see.
Question three.
Who is your favorite member of the Brat Pack? Emilio Estevez.
Ally Sheedy.
Mm.
Sorry.
No points awarded.
The correct answer is Judge Reinhold.
Judge Reinhold.
LISA: Matthew.
Judge Reinhold is not a member of the Brat Pack.
That's gonna cost you a point, Lisa.
Okay.
Lightning round.
If my name weren't Matthew, what would you name me? Craig.
Kent.
If I was a girl? Megan.
Suzanne.
From another country? Helga.
Maria.
From another planet.
Gorbleena.
Matthew.
Correct, David.
What is the final score? Yeah.
Oh, I'm afraid we have a dead heat here.
What? Don't worry.
I'll just come up with some more, uh, questions and we'll settle this out.
Why don't you take some parting gifts? Vitamins.
Pencils.
[.]
Joe.
What's up? I have something to tell you.
I'm pregnant with your baby.
Whoa, heavy.
Shouldn't we be married? Hey, kids.
Beth, you know a marriage based in a big city newsroom like this doesn't stand a chance.
Hey, what the hell's going on? [QUIETLY.]
We're spicing it up for the camera.
Oh, you got any hits yet? A 150 so far.
Wow.
[LOUDLY.]
Okay.
I will leave you two lovebirds in peace.
I-I just came to get a soda.
A Jamesmont soda.
A fully-owned subsidiary of Jimmy James Incorporated.
Hey, everybody.
Field trip.
What? Dave says we can use our lunch hour to check out that apartment.
That sounds like fun.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, um, are we going to be married or not? Stay tuned.
[.]
I'm getting a very sort of Dave-y kind of vibe.
Actually.
Well, me too.
Wait a minute.
Over here I'm getting a real-- Real Lisa feeling.
Oh, yeah.
It's like a warm spot in a pool.
Oh, yeah, Dave.
I could totally see you in this place.
Right here, you're picture of your mom on the wall.
With you on the phone here talking to your mom.
With you on the couch right here thinking about your mom.
Hey.
You guys didn't tell me this place had a gourmet kitchen.
Well, neither one of us is much of a cook.
Yeah.
Oh, that's a shame.
It's gorgeous.
It's got those gleaming white sinks.
And that Hansel and Gretel oven-- The man who lives in this apartment need never go hungry again.
Yes.
But, Max, who do you picture living here? Mm-hm.
Oh.
Uh I abstain.
Look, you guys wanted to see the apartment.
You've seen the apartment.
Let's get back to work.
Just the thing is, Dave, it's very hard to choose between the two of you.
Well, I've made a decision that avoids the problem entirely.
And what's that, Maxie? I've decided to vote.
Well, good.
For myself.
I want this apartment.
And I will have it! [.]
Well, it's like you said.
It's a lovely space.
You're obviously a woman with impeccable taste.
[LAUGHS.]
Yes.
I think so too.
Ah.
Au revoir to you.
I cannot believe the landlady is doing this.
She wasn't taking any more applications.
Well, I think she was very impressed by my Peabody Award.
This is totally outrageous.
You know that.
We've suffered for this apartment without having to deal with you too.
You don't know what suffering is.
I live in an extended-stay motel in Fort Lee, New Jersey.
Do you have any idea what that's like? Oh, come on, Max.
Fort Lee is great.
Yeah.
I mean, you've got that fort and Look, you're trying to take the place away from us.
I bet you didn't even notice the crown moldings.
You didn't mention it has the finest gourmet kitchen ever seen.
Well, so what? For a foodie, a gourmet kitchen is indispensable.
A foodie? One who appreciates, nay, adores food.
Otherwise known as a glutton.
Otherwise known as a connoisseur.
Now, if you'll excuse me, one of us has to work for a living so we can pay for our new apartment.
Can't you threaten to fire him or something? [SIGHS.]
Inflicting suffering on him is pointless.
He already lives in Fort Lee.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
How am I doing? Good.
But you can't move.
Keep still.
Okay.
Okay.
Are people gonna buy this? That you're an alien? That I'm a dead alien.
Not if you keep moving your lips.
Okay.
Now, listen.
I'm just gonna cut into the plaster breast plate, If I go past that, just say when.
When? Or "ow," whatever.
Get the-- Get the lens cap.
Oh, God.
Well, Beth, I can't think of a better way to spend our coffee break.
That's right, Joe.
If it's a choice between actual alien autopsy or coffee break, you can bet that I will always choose alien autopsy.
That's just the way we are here at WNYX.
Okay, now let's cut this bad boy open.
Oh, God.
That tickles.
Shut up.
Okay, kids, come on.
It's time to decide on the apartment.
Coming.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[.]
Okay, folks, we've all had a chance to hear the individual stances on the issues.
So talk to me.
Let's get it on.
Well, I'm a little uncomfortable voting without a secret ballot.
And why is that, Matthew? I'm a little afraid of a reprisal.
From whom? Dave and Max.
Okay, that's one for Lisa.
Joe? I've examined each candidate carefully and I've come to the following conclusion.
It's all about commitment.
Now Dave here has made a commitment to a very impressive array of consumer electronics.
While Lisa, on the other hand, has only a stereo and an alarm clock.
That stuff's expensive, Joe.
Yeah, well, so are books.
But you seem to have plenty of those things.
Well, don't my five electronic toothbrushes count for something? No.
Well, they should.
They practically eroded my gums away.
I choose Dave.
Okay.
Duly noted.
Beth.
It's a really hard decision for me to make because Dave and Lisa are both very good friends of mine.
And they're not always hitting on me like Max is.
But then I started to think, like, what if I slipped up and I said yes to Max? "Yes, you can hit on me.
" Then I would be waking up in the beautiful apartment-- That's one for Max.
So [CLEARS THROAT.]
We've got three candidates.
Three voters.
One big-ass deadlock.
Well, sir, are you gonna break the big-ass deadlock? Well, Dave, it's an emotional issue we got here, all right? I mean, life-changing choices.
Maybe sex.
Maybe violence.
Hey, this is-- This great Internet.
What? What are-- What are you talking about? I'm talking about a tie-breaking vote on the Internet.
No.
Now, sir, you can't leave this up to a random group of strangers.
I can and will.
Now scoot.
You got half an hour to prepare your statements.
Go on and get out of here.
Go on.
Okay, you.
Now what the hell are you supposed to be? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
When Joe, uh-- When Joe first approached me to play the role of Alien, I was skeptical myself, until I read the script.
I realized it's the-- It's the part of a lifetime.
Matthew, I get it.
You're an alien.
Mr.
James, if I asked you to describe Mr.
James, would you say human being? Probably not.
Thank you.
See, Alien comes from a small mining town.
He just loves life.
[.]
Gosh, working in the personnel department sure makes a girl hot.
Joe.
Sorry, Julie.
Hit the bricks.
Hi.
Joe, does she really work for me? For the next hour.
Oh.
Well, I'll be a dirty bird.
Okay.
So we interrupt this program to bring you "Decision '99: The Road to The Apartment.
" Today WNYX gives you the chance to vote on which employee deserves a really great apartment.
After each candidate speaks, you will be asked to vote.
Joe here, will tally up your votes.
Thank you, Joe.
And, uh, the winner will get a letter of recommendation from me, James James, the man so nice, they named him twice.
Okay.
Up first, Mr.
Dave Nelson.
Dave? Right there.
Thank you so much.
Yes.
Thank you, sir.
Ready, go.
Hi.
I'm Dave Nelson and I think I deserve this apartment for one simple reason.
I saw it first.
Just as Columbus claimed this great nation because he saw it first.
Although, yes, technically, he didn't really see it.
The native peoples were here first.
So they would have seen it before he did-- Okay, time.
Dave Nelson, I saw it first.
All right.
Next up is Max Lewis.
Max.
And go.
Hello.
I'm Max Lewis, news anchor and family man.
Well, actually, I don't have a family yet.
But with this apartment, I can get the process started by bringing home women.
And after all, what's more important than family? Time.
Thank you.
Next we have Lisa Miller.
Li-- Where--? Lisa? Where the hell is Li--? Lisa? LISA: Coming.
Come on.
Right here.
Go.
Hi.
My name is Lisa Miller.
One of the reasons I wanted an apartment was so that I could get a dog.
Like Daisy.
Aw.
Of course, if you don't vote for me, Daisy's gonna have to go back to the pound.
No.
I can't believe you would sink that low.
I hear some dogs are happier at the pound.
That's where their friends are.
Well, it's over.
Well, I'm not conceding.
Give it up, dude.
It's the puppy by a landslide.
Well, in that case, let me see him.
He's so cute, isn't he? He's my puppy.
[.]
Okay.
What? No, she's gonna be pleased as punch.
Yeah.
No, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Okay, bye-bye.
You can move in tomorrow.
Thank you so much, Mr.
James.
You'll be the first person we have over.
Oh, good.
Say thank you.
[BABBLING.]
Okay, that's enough.
Sorry.
Thank you.
And sir, I want to thank you too for taking me in till I can find a new place.
Oh, no problem.
You know, Fort Awesome is a lonely place in the winter.
Just me and the hounds, you know? Huh.
Hounds? Yeah.
Yeah, they're a handful.
But they keep me warm at night.
God bless their enormous canine hearts.
Well, I guess that's it for the Internet, Mr.
James.
We gave it our best shot.
Yeah, it worked too.
I mean, we got all kinds of hits and viewers and all that other computer jazz.
Why are you shutting it down, sir? Because we hit a peak, Dave.
I mean, where I come from, you got your cute girl and your puppy.
Ha.
You're talking about a happy ending there.
You've got the soul of an artist, sir.
I'll take that as a compliment.
How did the shut down go? Nothing.
I just pulled the cord from the back of the computer.
How did the others take it? Well, I really didn't have the heart to break it to 'em.
I'm gonna tell them tomorrow.
Okay.
That's probably for the best.
No! I won't go back on the air until this is settled.
But, Max, I can only love you as a friend.
But what about our secret trysts here, in-- In the break room? That was before I learned that you're not just my lover.
You're my cousin.
Surrender, earthlings.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
It's the ghost of the alien.
[IMITATES LASER BUZZING.]
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
Ha-ha.
Paralyzed.
Just as I planned.
Now we dance, alien style.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[.]