Newsreaders (2013) s02e07 Episode Script

Strip Club Exposé; Long Lost Twins

Tonight on "Newsreaders" Lucky numbers why 2 never makes the list but works twice as well as 7.
And author Edwin Salmon catcher discusses his latest book, "The Eagle in the Breeze," which describes a war between two classic-rock stations.
All that and more echo tonight on "Newsreaders"! Newsreaders - 02x07 Strip Club Exposé Newsreaders - 02x07 Long Lost Twins Here at "Newsreaders," we do everything we can to help consumers avoid deceptive practices.
And, as Amir LaRussa tells us, you can be taken advantage of in most suprising places.
Strip clubs like this one in Jacksonville, Florida, have long been a reliable way for men to get off without technically cheating on their wives.
But our hidden-camera investigation revealed that strips clubs are taking off much more than clothes.
They're taking off the truth.
And the lies start even before you get in the door.
- No sweatpants.
- Lie number 1.
You can wear sweatpants inside for a price.
And you can take recording devices inside if they're hidden in your glasses and belt buckle.
To an unsuspecting consumer, this seems like an ordinary, natural conversation.
But just watch as this suddenly turns into a sales pitch.
The entire club was dripping in lies and deception.
They advertised dozens of girls, but we only saw four.
And look closely at the champagne room and you'll see that while the sparkling wine is actually from the champagne province of France, the so-called champagne room is not a room at all and nothing more than a series of poorly upholstered benches filled with questionable claims.
I've always been kind of an exhibitionist, you know? I'm just doing this to pay my way through college.
That night I learned a lot about Ashley or thought I did.
After we left the club, I reviewed some of Ashley's claims, and I had some follow-up questions.
It turns out that, like the truth, Ashley's home address could be bought for $50 and a "Newsreaders" hat.
But she was a little hard to find because the only person listed at her address wasn't named Ashley.
She was named Jennifer? Oh, hey, Jennifer.
It's Amir LaRussa from "Newsreaders.
" I did some research and found out you didn't tell me the truth at the club.
You're not in college, your name isn't Ashley, and if you're such an exhibitionist, why are you answering the door in clothes? Why the lies, Jennifer? Okay.
So, you want to be told the truth at a strip club? Yes.
You are deceiving people.
You told me you were big into words with friends, but we checked your profile.
You've only played it three times.
That's not being big into - anything except lying.
- Okay, I-I got sick of people who were memorizing two-letter "Q" words.
Well, you told me lap dances were $20 a song.
They are.
But it's the shortened versions.
- How is that a lie? - Well, maybe it's more of a sin of omission, but it was like a 45-second version of "walk this way.
" They didn't even do the guitar solo, and I really wanted to see what she would do with it.
You also told me you favorite TV show is "American Horror Story.
" Nice try, but that's a - miniseries.
- I did not know that.
You said there's one God, but there are hundreds of religions all across the world, each with their own God.
Well, if you're gonna make an objective case on a subjective premise, I would argue that while each religion has their own name for it, it's all the same God.
Jennifer? Jennifer, when are you working - again? - Next up twins.
They're the high you can get from fertility drugs, and they're also the subjects of fantasies, old gum commercials on Youtube, and this story from Clavis Kim.
Tim Nast of Brandenton, Florida, thought he had it all a perfect family, a non-splotchy beard, and a successful ticket-brokering business with his childhood best friend.
But recently Tim found out he has even more.
I have a twin brother, and I'm gonna meet him today.
And "Newsreaders" was there to witness the reunion, which we orchestrated and paid for.
Oh, my God.
I should probably answer that, huh? - Yes, you should.
- Okay.
All right.
False alarm, guys.
It's my business partner, Tom.
What are you doing here? Our meeting's not for another hour.
I've got a thing right now.
I had a thing here.
Someone called me a producer and said, "knock on the door.
You're gonna meet your twin brother," not you.
In a surprising turn of events, it turns out that Timmy's long-lost twin brother was his longtime childhood friend and current business partner, Tom Nerny.
So, what's it like to spend your lives thinking that you're brothers from another mother only to find out that you're brother from the same mother? It was good, I guess, you know? - It was weird.
- It was weird.
- It's a little disappointing.
- Yeah, I was disappointed.
I was like I thought I was gonna show up, maybe Ben affleck would be there, and then, all of a sudden, I start looking like Ben affleck or something like that.
That's not how it works, stupid.
Stupid? If Ben affleck is your long-lost twin brother, it's not like you show up and you suddenly start - looking like him.
- Well, I suddenly started looking like you, so how do you explain that, smart guy? Oh, I explain it with my fist right here.
- Ow! Hey! Ow! - Stop, please.
The both of you grew up on the same block.
You were best friends.
You played on the same teams, went to the same schools.
You even started a business together.
And you never saw any - resemblance? - No.
- No?! - No.
Learning they are identical twins has been difficult for Timmy and Tom to wrap their identical heads around.
- Make a stupid joke.
- Hey.
- All right, guys, seriously.
- You know what? Here.
Come on.
Have you guys ever had any, like, weird twin stuff happen, like, uh, Tim, you get hurt and Tom feels it? - No.
Definitely not.
- Yeah, no.
No, no, no.
Well, there was the one see, he had - yeah.
- Tom had - Appendicitis.
- And then I just started bleeding internally for no reason, but I feel like that kind of thing happens all the time, right? It happens to people everywhere all the time.
That kind of thing has never happened all the time.
So, how did these brothers grow up together not knowing they were brothers? According to Tim and Tom's mother, Neena Nerny, the answer is simple group sex.
Well, we were all swingers.
Our pockets were full of cocaine.
There was no such thing as AIDS.
We had swap parties, key parties, suck-a-thons, Monday gangbangs, Tuesday gangbangs, uh, Jack and Jill circles Okay, uh, but what does this have to do with how Timmy and Tom were twins separated at birth? I'm gonna get to that.
We'd have indoor mud races, turtle contests, slap rallies, "button, button, who's got the button inside your button?" Marathons, rusty trombone concertos.
Nobody ever told us we could get - pregnant.
- Seriously? Nobody ever told you that sex can make you pregnant? Well No.
I mean, my parents' generation didn't care much for offering life advice or talking.
And so you found yourself double pregnant.
Well, cocaine'll do that to a body.
No, it will not.
So, how did the babies get - split up? - Well, we were into baby-swapping - at the time.
- Baby-swapping? You know, it was the '70s.
We'd swap anything.
I'm pretty sure baby-swapping wasn't a thing in any decade.
No, we'd swap one of the babies with Reena Nast down at the end of the street for a lid of cocaine.
Like their mother, brothers Tim and Tom have themselves made - an unconventional choice.
- We have decided to go back to being best friends and business partners.
Yeah, we're done being, uh, twin brothers.
- That's done.
That's over.
- Yeah, we've just been bickering so much since we've been twins.
We didn't bicker like that when we were just - business partners.
- I mean, you're twins.
- Fine.
We'll get a divorce.
- Well, you can't get a - "twin-vorce.
" - Yes, you can get a - No, you can't.
- Twin-vorce? A twin divorce.
You cannot get a twin divorce.
- Fine.
We'll get it annulled.
- That doesn't make any sense.
You can't do that, dummy.
You can't do it, dummy! - I'm not dummy.
- You are dumb.
- Guys.
Guys! - Really? - Ow! - Really? No.
Aaah! - Really? - Skip reming is here, and tonight he's got something on his mind - his mind.
- You know, the people I work with think I need to see a head-shrinker.
They say my erratic behavior, menacing words, and screams in the ventilation ducts are getting to be a problem.
Well, get used to being disturbed, because no way is anyone messing with Skip Reming's skull salad.
So far as the psychiatrist is concerned, you can take your funny little couch and all those ink blots that look like my dead mother and you can shove em' right where the sun don't shine, brother Which is pretty much everywhere since milklady died.
No, thank you, Siegfried and Freud.
When I want to tinker with the little man at the wheel, I use the oldest cures known to man - repression, denial, and judo.
- Thanks, Skip.
And now for some of the e-mail that you've sent over the last week.
"Dear Reagan, your father and I want to know if you're still coming home next month.
You can take the spare room, but let us know soon.
Your father can move all of Julie's things that she stored.
What a mess.
" Dave T.
, my agent he e-mailed to say, "would you have any interest in hosting a clip show that involves car crashes caused by animals?" Yes.
Uh, I received an e-mail from Daryl H.
, who wrote, "'sup?" Uh, not much, D.
Are you back in town for a while? We'll see you all next week.
And don't forget to tune in Wednesday to the premiere of "concrete meets jungle.
" Now that's what I call a headlight caught in the deer! I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.