Newsreaders (2013) s02e10 Episode Script

Band Names-R-Us, Put Me in Coach

Tonight on "Newsreaders," is VHS the new vinyl? This guy who went to Oberlin two years ago thinks so.
And humorist Jim Davidson will be here with some of his musings.
Can someone please explain to me what the point of chopsticks are? I mean, other than eating food in a Chinese restaurant, I don't - see the point.
- All that and more tonight on "Newsreaders.
" Newsreaders - 02x10 Band Names - R-Us Newsreaders - 02x10 Put Me in Coach First, tonight, what's in a name? Everything, if you're trying to make it in rockin' and rollin'.
- Clavis Kim has more.
- "Ferocious baby.
" - What?! - That's good.
Wisdom and Oz foss are CO-C.
S of a startup called "Band Names-R-Us.
" The name of the company says it all.
"Us," being these guys, "R" paid to name rock bands.
It's the greatest music-business success story since the Rolling Stones sent their holograms out on tour, and it all began right here.
They were just a couple of kids from Akron, Ohio, with little musical talent and big rock-'n'-roll dreams.
Beginning in Junior High, they played in awful bands with fantastic names, names like Part Eagle, Full of Radios, and - Cynical Best.
- We had a lot of great band names, so we got booked a ton.
And then when we would play the music at the show, everybody would leave.
They have no innate musical abilities, yet they are being called the Lennon and McCartney of something else.
- Coming up with band names.
- How long does it take you guys to come up with a really good band name? - A second, maybe less.
- I mean, probably less.
Okay, come up with one right now.
All right.
Hello menu, Two-piece Game, - Complicated Radar - Complicated Radar.
Uh, Hotel Cleaner of the Nameless Cunning - Whew.
- Captain Bogus.
That's awesome.
Oz? Right.
Um, well, slap me some five.
- That would be good.
- Uh, Suffocate Since Pluto, - Response of the Wonder.
- Leftleaning Bass.
Antler lamp? Antler Antler Lamps.
- Um - Ark of the Dogs.
- Ark of the Dogs! - You know, Hammers, Garage - Hammers.
- I mean, I like some of that.
I like "Meat," and I like "Muffin," but not together.
The secret to their success has not just been about what - they can do.
- Just for one second, look.
- That's a dog.
- It has also been about who - they know.
- Well, we grew up with the - guys in the Black Keys.
- Really? You know they used to be called the Pearly White - Tinklers? - Yeah, which I liked, - actually.
- You know, and then we gave them the name the Black Keys, and then bam double - platinum.
- Wisdom and Oz ended up in that conference room because they attracted the attention of - investor Aric Bevin Gully.
- I like their sound.
Their sound? Yeah, the sound of the band names that were coming out of their mouths.
So, you like their band names.
- Yes.
- With an investment from Gully, Band Names-R-Us was born.
Wisdom is a genius.
- I mean - Yeah.
Nobody pairs random words and glottal stops like Wisdom.
Oz he, uh he has a van, and he gets Wisdom to work on time, but he sucks at name-coming-up-with.
So, did he come up with the name Band Names-R-Us? - No.
I did.
- Oh.
- It's a good-sized brand.
- It's real creative, yeah.
Within a year, Band Names-R-Us had rocketed to the top of the dow stock charts and Billboard's top band-naming companies - exchange.
- We got three supergroups, a danish power trio, and a biracial ingenue chanteuse from Ottawa that we need to name by 11:00.
Barely Hiatus, Helicopter Award, and - Camp Robot.
- I love it.
Oz? - Camp Row Boat.
- How about Brand Grenade, Big table and the and the everyone is uh, - and the carpet.
- But as with all televised stories about musicians, something came between these - bandmates.
- Conference friends eat It just didn't seem like Oz was able to - He sucked.
- Uh - He was terrible.
- He, uh He was your Yoko Ono.
Wow, "Your Yoko" is a great name for a band.
- Really? - Yeah.
But, yes, he was my - Yoko Ono.
- And that wasn't lost on Aric Bevin Gully.
He recently fired Oz and the other two band members, leaving only Wisdom.
And he decided to pick up the slack himself.
You think Lesbo Salami is taken? - I seriously doubt it.
- Cool! I'm on a roll.
Oh, uh, Intergalactic Homo Sapien! No! You're right.
It's got "homo" in it.
Down Spindrome for a drum band.
That's great.
Great work, man.
Works for a jam band, too.
Uh - I miss my brother.
- Miss My Brother? Sounds kind of gay.
I like Mister Mister, though.
You're a reminder of what's become of my life.
Life Toilet! So, what have you been doing while your brother is at work? - Hitting Rock Bottom? - No, actually.
We we renamed the band, and we got a record contract.
Ever since my brother left the band, actually, everything sort of just fell into place.
So, he was the crappy musician who was holding you - back.
- Yes.
You get it.
Oh, God, that's why we named the band after you.
- You named the band after me? - Oh, yeah.
- Wh-what's this band called? - Asian Question Asker.
Football, or, as the Spanish call it, fútbol americano.
It used to be a game of brute force, but thanks to one coach, football is now a game of numbers.
Sadee Deenus has más.
I want these lines converging, okay? Coach Phil Tyler of the Kansas City Missourihawks is bringing the computer revolution to the football field.
Baseball has historically been thought of the game of - statistics.
- Mm-hmm.
I'd like to turn football into as mind-numbingly boring a sport as baseball, as far as analyzing it.
To watch it, it'll still be exciting, but to think about it, it should start to get annoying and frustrating.
But nobody seems frustrated with the coach's results.
Clark jabs has been covering coach Tyler since Tyler was an offensive coordinator with the tampa bay Floridacats.
It's a formula for success.
It's a mathematical equation that coach Tyler has broken down on, I-I want to say, the microbial level.
I don't want to say subatomic 'cause that's you know, everyone says that.
But I want to say on a microbial - level.
- So, coach Tyler has really - figured out something new.
- Oh, absolutely.
Some of the stuff he's doing is beyond revolutionary.
He's in the showers giving notes all the time.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's assembling a team, a team full of hard bodies that he wants to mold and touch.
Well, hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
While his strategic approach on the field has won him many fans, off the field, he has been criticized for being cold, robotic, and belichick-y.
But coach Tyler's players tell a different story.
Defensive end Deandre Kuiper has won three championship rings with the Missourihawks.
He promotes a culture of winning, using computer numbers to show me different ways to look at defense, the way we practice to the sleepovers at his house to taking naked polaroids of me.
And the computers? That's just a bunch of ones and zeros to me, man.
Zero that's about how much I understand.
Missourihawks owner mayhew ketchup surely believes in Tyler's greatness.
He $26 million believes because that's what he's paying him.
Coach Tyler has been a game-changer for us.
The players respect him, but they also know they can have tickle parties one-on-one with him anytime.
And what do you say to the critics who think coach Tyler's analytical approach comes off as aloof and antisocial? Well, I can see how he'd have that reputation, from his postgame interviews and his reliance on software, but around here he's just another guy trying to win games, you know, - cornholing you in the shower.
- His players they want to win.
They want to snuggle, maybe kiss for a long time.
They come to play.
Off the field, coach Tyler's house is sparse and bare-boned.
Just like at work, there are very few distractions.
I guess I just never got around to decorating too much.
I got my computer room.
I got a pretty good snuggle cave for when the guys come over.
I got that toaster I've never used.
I eat most of my meals over at - the stadium.
- I would love to see the - computer room.
- Oh, let me show you.
It's right over here by the lube closet.
- Great.
- Boom, boom, boom, no-huddle.
- Down! - But with success come the inevitable imitators.
A lot of coaches now are adopting his techniques the formulas, the algorithms, the spooning.
The turnaround, the nakedness, the sliding? That is stuff that people have not even begun to scratch the surface of.
Coach Tyler tunes all this talk out, keeping a laser-like focus on what got him where he is today.
I'm not concerned with other teams.
They may have the same computers as me, but they don't push the - same buttons.
- So, you're not worried.
I want to win.
I'm always worried.
That's why we hug each other in duvet forts, you know? - That's why we play the game.
- Next week on "Newsreaders," David Hasselhoff tells us about his explosive reunion with "Baywatch" costar Pamela Anderson.
We met at this really fancy vegan place that Pammy picked - out.
- Of course.
And when we get there, the "valet" is charging $12 for parking.
And he's parking the car like three feet away.
And I'm saying, "why don't you just have your own parking lot, and I'll park the car myself?" Too bad that kitt wasn't there.
He could have dropped you off, right? - What? - Kitt.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right.
But, anyway, you know what I did? - What? - I drove my car down to the au bon pain, which is just down the street about a block away, where it says "customer parking only.
" - Okay.
- And I bought a cup of coffee and a muffin Left my car there, and walked back to the restaurant, - had lunch with Pammy.
- That's smart.
Yeah, it's really smart, you know? I mean, it only cost me 3 bucks for the coffee and the muffin, and I wasn't about to pay I mean, come on.
What kind of monster charges that kind of money for parking? That's ridiculous! So, what happened with the lunch? Oh! Well, Pammy and I Are friends on Facebook, so we didn't really have that much to - catch up on.
- I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.