Newsreaders (2013) s02e12 Episode Script

Jellyfish Sting Clinic

Tonight on "Newsreaders," cat bags.
They're made from hollowed-out cats, and they're the talk of runways from Paris to Milan.
And David Hasselhoff opens up about his wild times on the set of "Knight Rider" with the stories you didn't see in front of the cameras.
On "Knight Rider," I had the craziest thing in my trailer.
I had a brand-new VCR.
- Really? - Yeah, which was a pretty big - perk in those days.
- Incredible.
I was a member of three different video stores.
Did you pay for the memberships? They weren't free back in those days.
What a different time.
- All that and - Fore! On "Newsreaders.
" Every day, we hear about new medical breakthroughs.
Amir Larussa heard about one doctor who made a revolutionary breakthrough in the treatment of jellyfish stings.
So, he decided to investigate.
Doctor, before we proceed, I have to get one thing clear.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna ask you a simple yes-or-no question.
And if the answer is "no," we'll proceed with what should be a fascinating interview.
- Sounds good.
- But if the answer is "yes," I will all due respect Walk out that door, go back to my office, and work on a different story.
Looking forward to the question.
So, you know the urban myth that the treatment for jellyfish stings is - Urine? - Yes, that old Chestnut.
Of course.
It's always in the movies.
- Pops up in TV shows, doesn't it? - "Friends" did a whole thing on it.
"Friends"? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- I saw it on "The Simpsons.
" - Yeah.
Farrelly brothers put it in their movies a lot.
They're cheeky, aren't they, those guys? - They really are.
- No boundaries there.
So, do you see where I'm going - with this? - The "Fahrellies.
" Nope.
Forget the Farrellys.
The earlier thing, how we got to that.
I see where you're coming.
You're coming in.
Well, go on.
Hit me the "Q" and I'll respond with an "A.
" - Okay! I like that.
- You like that? That's good.
You've built a whole practice on - just treating jellyfish stings.
- Indeed, I have.
And? - Ooh.
- How many glasses of water - have you had today? - That's the third.
Are you treating your patients with urine? There's the question.
- Yeah.
- There it is! I feel like a fool for asking, and I'm sorry.
- Well, it's weird, isn't it? - It is - It's a weird "Q.
" - It's it's it's a weird "Q," but it needs an "A," because if the "A" is not the "a" I want, then this interview is over.
I just have an aversion to that sort of thing.
I totally understand.
I mean, what a weird position to - be in.
- I'm not.
I don't envy me.
- Come in here and - First thing I have to do is ask if this guy's peeing on people.
What whoa.
Okay, well, ask it, I suppose.
- Do it! - I did.
- You've done it? - Yeah.
- All right.
What else? - I'm just waiting for the "a.
" I haven't answered.
- You haven't a'd.
- All right.
The answer to your question, which I believe was - Remind me.
- Are you using urine - Yes.
- To treat your - jellyfish-sting patients? - That's the question.
That right.
The answer to that is Actually easier for me to show - you than tell you.
- Absolutely not.
- It is.
- No.
Say "yes" or "no.
" Come and have a little tour, a little tour of the clinic.
- I don't need a tour of the clinic.
- It's a stateof-the-art facility.
What's the art? That's what I'm gonna show you.
Don't show me.
Just sit down.
Sit down.
Just say "yes" or "no.
" The next words out of your mouth have to be No! Let me finish.
- I was gonna say - Let me finish.
- Monet.
- Monet? So, the art is actual art.
- Yep.
Renè "da-carts.
" - That's a philosopher.
And he's actually done a couple of sketches in the early days.
They're up there.
- Theodore Roosevelt.
- I feel like you're just coming up with names you've heard before.
It's a unique display of of talented people that did other things.
So, they're not known for their art.
- They're known for other things.
- Well, Monet is.
- You're - He's the oddball.
I feel like you're really trying to dodge the question here.
Just answer the question.
- Just say "yes" or "no," please.
- Okay.
That is neither of the words that I asked for.
I'm getting there, all right? You don't have to get anywhere.
- Just say "yes" or say "no.
" - I think the answer will surprise you.
I don't think it will.
- What's the question? - Are you using urine Right.
We're still persisting with that.
- I'm enjoying this question.
- Answer the question.
Okay, we're swearing now, are we? I am swearing just 'cause you've pushed me to the brink.
One moment, we're almost down the corridor looking and admiring art, and now you're sitting there swearing away.
I'm sorry for swearing.
Just answer the question.
Yes or no? Please.
- All right.
- Just say "yes" or "no.
" The answer is simply Doctor, your 3:30 appointment's here.
Thank you, nurse.
That's a shame.
Amir, can you just hold on, please? - No.
- I'll be back very soon.
Just say "yes" or "no" as you leave.
Sorry about that.
Where were we? What's that? This is a stethoscope.
These are the headphones.
No, not that.
There's a little wet spot on the front of your slacks right where your penis hole would be.
- Excuse me? - Stand up.
- Did you say "slacks"? - Stand up right now.
- Yes, dad! All right.
- Stand up! See that? Pee! You said you were gonna go cure a patient, and all you did was pee on them.
Y-y-y-you sprinkled when you tinkled, and now you've got it on the front of your slacks - right there pee! - I'm sorry.
I still can't believe you're saying "slacks.
" What a bizarre term to use.
- They're trousers.
- You know what? I'm gone.
The puff piece on your golden-shower palace is over.
Let's go.
- No! - Wrap it up.
No, wait, please.
All right.
Just hold on, okay? Yes.
- Yes, okay? - Thank you.
God! Yes, I have spilt some of the substance that I use to treat the patients with on my trousers.
- Come on, dude.
- Well, that's what they're called.
No one says "slacks.
" It's ridiculous! I'm like a 1950's lady doing golf.
Don't try and dodge the question.
What is the substance? The substance is warm water and ammonia.
You satisfied? That's the substance warm water and ammonia! I've said it! The cat's out of the bag, all right? You've got my secret formula.
Well done.
Now all these other clinics are gonna pop up.
My business is gonna be diluted with other competitions.
Thank you for coming in.
I don't know what to say.
No, you don't know what to say, do you? All you know is "yes" or "no.
" Those are your two big ones, aren't they? Here's a hint "Sorry.
" - That's more than a hint.
- Yeah, what a smart guy.
Had to have a little dig in there, didn't you? You know, you're something else.
Do you know that? You can't admit you're wrong.
Talking under your breath when I can clearly hear it.
Getting right up my goat.
That's not a saying.
It's a term in New Zealand "Getting right up my goat.
" We have all got a goat each.
When you're getting up someone else's goat, it's like, "well, what's wrong with yours?" Obviously their goat's died, and they're having a business up - with mine.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get up your goat.
- Thank you.
- Let's continue the interview - in a more respectful manner.
- One last chance to do the clinic tour.
Can we do this interview first, and then we can do the clinic tour? Let's finish the interview, all right.
Why does a mixture of ammonia and warm water have such a positive effect on jellyfish stings? Good question.
And I'll answer that.
I first realized that ammonia and warm water worked in a positive way on jellyfish bites and stings because ammonia and warm water mixed together Is, essentially, pee.
So, what I do is, I I just pee on the patients.
That's what I do.
That's what I just did when I went out there before.
I pee all over people, all these gits that come in here! And they've got bites and stings from the sea.
I projectile my yellow fluid onto their wounds! And I love it! I got you! - You're burnt! - You're a monster.
I hope one day you get stung by a jellyfish, and you knock on - my door.
- Well, I know one thing that smells like pee.
It's skip reming, and he's here tonight.
Now, one thing I'll never understand is what gals want from us with the way they dress.
It used to be that taking an eye-walk up a doll's gams to their derriere was something that was frowned upon more than a curly-headed priest.
You wanted to check out the goods, you had to sneak a peek.
And a peek was all you could get, even if she was in nursing school.
But these days, they don't tell you not to ogle them.
They demand that we do.
Yes, you walk down the street, and chippies have writing all over their barn doors, words like "pink," "wildcats," and "juicy," right there on their biscuits, And now there's something called yoga pants.
These, yoga pants they frame the moneymaker like a priceless work of art.
Now there's Picassos, Cezannes, and Van Goghs everywhere, in coffee shops and parks and my grandson's little league games.
Call it building a better mousetrap or a better man-trap.
No matter what, there's never been a better time to appreciate the female form and to be appreciated for appreciating it.
Next week on "Newsreaders," more stories from the set of "Knight Rider.
" This VCR has that blinking 12:00.
Really irritating, right? So, I set the actual time.
I went home.
I came back the next morning, and it's blinking 12:00, driving me crazy.
- That sounds like a huge hassle, Hoff.
- Anyway, I couldn't figure out why it was still blinking, blinking, blinking, blinking.
So I asked one of the crew guys, and he tells me that at night, they turn off the power to my trailer to avoid draining the battery.
- That makes perfect sense.
- It makes perfect sense, But it doesn't solve the problem of this blinking 12:00.
- So, you know what I did? - What? I snuck in to the writer's room.
I grab one of those 3x5 index cards.
- Okay.
- And I taped it over the blinking 12:00.
That's pretty much all I can remember from bring on the set of "Knight Rider.
" I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.
- Are you even a doctor? - I'm an educated doctor.
- What school did you go to? - I went to Edgewater College.
- Where's that? - It's right on the edge of the water.
How do you think I began the - jellyfish thing? - You're a monster.
- I'm doing a lot of good here.
- You're doing no good.
- People are loving it.
- You're a pee monster.
People are coming in here, and they're not even stung by jellyfish.
They just want what I've got.