Newsreaders (2013) s02e14 Episode Script

Tonight on Newsreaders Get-rich-quick schemes We'll tell you which one is right for you.
And it's called kä, and it's the new vowel that's rapidly replacing "u.
" All that and more tonight on Newsreaders.
First tonight, if Sports Illustrated stopped publishing its annual swimsuit issue, the biggest event in publishing every February would be People of Interest magazine's Creepiest Man Alive issue.
And we were there to see how it all comes together.
The hunt for the year's Creepiest Man Alive begins here at the headquarters of People of Interest magazine.
Okay, this guy's wearing a helmet.
I find that creepy.
- Oh, yeah.
- For no apparent reason.
- He's humping his guy friend.
- I like that.
I think the eyeliner's pretty good.
What do you think about the eyeliner here? - - Newsreaders was granted exclusive behind-the-scenes access to the grueling selection process.
It's a big decision and one none of us take lightly.
This guy, he was able to take a photo, and he has stretch marks, and he's proud of them.
We get thousands of submissions, from friends, family, dressing-room security cameras, co-workers, sometimes even Google street view.
And a lot of people think the creepiness is based just on appearance, - but that's too subjective.
- Mm-hmm.
- One woman's Steve Buscemi - Ew.
- is another woman's Ryan gosling.
- Love him.
Me, too.
What do you think he tastes like? Saltwater Taffy.
I was thinking tiramisu but musky.
Hmm.
We take many intangibles into account.
We call it "creeprisma.
" What do women find creepy in a man? Does he have a cat? Oh.
Good one.
Does his leg hair poke through his dress socks? A guy who works here always offers to retie my shoes for me, and I think, "is this creepy?" - Yes.
I would say yes.
- Yeah.
It is creepy.
The next level in the search for the Creepiest Man is reserved for people like Joe Finn, a sound engineer from Stratford, Ontario.
He's one of the year's top 10 finalists.
How does it feel to know you're one of the creepiest men in America? Well, I heard creep is the new geek.
Where did you hear that? Probably on 4chan or something.
But, you know, I'm not creepy enough to win.
Your hand's down your shorts.
Oh, uh, these aren't shorts.
They're They're jorts.
And it's just where I like to rest my hand.
I'm not doing anything down there.
But Joe has some tough competition, like Pittsburgh telemarketer Tevin Boland.
I'm very excited.
Other than that mustache, are you surprised People of Interest named you one of their finalists? Oh, I'm very surprised.
I mean, I'm just a regular guy that likes stamps and different kinds of peach fuzz.
Lisa? You change your shampoo? She changed her shampoo.
What's that you're wearing, Sadee? It's Pantene.
That's Pantene.
I don't remember, to be honest.
I mean, I could touch it and know, - but I don't - Mnh-mnh.
- I don't think so.
- I respect you.
Yep.
All right.
Pantene.
Lisa.
I want a slider today.
Let's go get sliders.
They're all looking the same at this point.
I got to be honest with you.
After weeks of deliberation, a winner emerged, and we were there to witness history.
I think we nailed it, people.
Yeah.
It's creepy! It's creepy! Hey! Yeah! You guys have been at it a while.
Anyone need a shoe retie? No? Cool beans.
- I'm sweating.
- Ugh! I've never even worn laces.
The winner was Orlando, Florida, bellhop Donnovan Klipt.
But he didn't even know he had been submitted.
People of Interest flew him to New York for what Donnovan thought was a story on hotel room-service do's and don'ts.
He has no idea that a magazine photo shoot is waiting for him.
Um H Hey.
Uh, what's up? - Donnovan Klipt - Yep.
You are People of Interest magazine's Creepiest Man Alive 2014.
Um What? You're going to be famous.
- Uh, for being creepy? - Yeah.
I'm Sadee Deenus from Newsreaders.
Donnovan.
Oh, my God.
It's amazing.
I mean, the retainer It just really puts it over the edge.
- It's so perfect.
- It's so perfect.
Is that a corduroy shirt? Yes.
There's lots of cool things about me, too.
Like, I own a lot of real swords.
Did you ever suspect you were really creepy? No.
No.
Never.
Although I wish someone would've told me when I was a kid, so maybe I'd have a different life.
They couldn't have this contest with kids.
- That would be mean.
- Totally.
But this - This is still pretty mean.
- Yeah.
So, what are you going to do with all this newfound attention? Is the second half of this gonna be, like, one of those makeover shows? No, this is a news program.
And like that, Donnovan Klipt became the Kate Upton of creepy.
Is it too late to submit to the competition? Oh, man.
Is that a corduroy shirt? And a retainer? Oh, I didn't have a chance.
Thanks, Sadee.
Dogs There's almost nothing they can't lick, and now you can add bombs in terrorist attacks to that list.
Dogs like Buck are one of the most important weapons in the war on terror.
Thanks to the work of Special Agent Vic Traymore and the ATF's Counterterrorism Academy, these dogs find bombs before they find us.
So, has Buck prevented many terrorist attacks? Well, you might recognize Buck from the NBA Slam Dunk Contest bombing or the 2014 Lingerie Bowl bombing or the annual bombing at Burning Man.
- I don't remember any of those.
- Damn right.
It's 'cause Buck stopped them all.
Hasn't missed a bomb yet.
Wow.
Hey, I bet the producers of John Carter wished they had him around.
Well, Buck wasn't alive during the filming of Disney's bomb John Carter, so Lone Ranger? He was just a puppy.
Special Agent Traymore let us tag along as he put Buck through his paces.
You know, we don't really have to teach the dogs how to smell.
What we're actually doing is teaching them where to smell.
So, along the seams on the bags, for instance.
It's in that one.
That's actually correct.
Why do you need dogs when the smell of the bomb is so strong? Well, you didn't smell it.
You saw me put it in there.
No, I didn't.
I just smelled it.
That's impo Turn a Turn around.
Turn around.
I'll try again Yeah.
see what okay.
- This one.
- What, are you kidding me?! In fact, I can tell you rubbed it on this one to throw me off for a second.
But you didn't throw me off.
I did rub it on that one.
Boom.
Turns out I was amazing at bomb-sniffing.
Trick question It's in your back pocket.
Got to be kidding me.
All right, have a treat.
Do you have a human treat? - Got a stick of gum.
- I don't chew gum.
Who doesn't chew gum? I end up swallowing it, and then I get constipation.
J Don't swallow it, then.
You have, like, an iTunes card? This is I I think you're cheating.
Oh, really? You haven't seen this performance from one of your "star" pupils at the k-9 "academy"? Why'd you do that? "To mock you.
" I would have been the star pupil It's back in that one.
if the ATF didn't have a dogs-only affirmative-action hiring policy.
You know, you don't want to be dealing with a basset hound, - 'cause they're lazy.
- Mm-hmm.
Or a Or a mini pinscher 'cause they're too hyper.
Pit bulls can get violent.
Pit bulls They're also humpy.
"Oh, don't hump the green wire.
" No, they shouldn't be dealing with any wires at all.
- They leave that up to the pros.
- Of course.
They're not bomb-diffusing dogs.
Right.
They're sniffers.
What's What's going on back there, Buck? Oh, that's one of our new recruits.
She's in heat.
Bomb dog.
No, not yet.
She's still in training.
No, not a bomb-sniffing dog.
A bomb dog.
What? A dog with an entire bomb in it! A bomb dog! And now Skip Reming is here.
Skip.
This weekend, I wandered into a bar in a fancy part of town that used to be a Mexican part of town.
A neighborhood bar is a second home, with a bartender wife who listens to your problems and gives you rows of tiny, glass children filled with liquid answers.
I wrote that.
This place I was in didn't even have a bartender.
It had something called a mixologist.
It took him 15 minutes to make my drink, which he called a cocktail.
Well, it might have been worth the time if it didn't taste like a thimble full of fairy piss brewed by a gay unicorn on top of Gumdrop Mountain.
You know what people seem to have forgotten is? Booze isn't supposed to taste like some doughy confection.
It's meant to be a wake-up call for your problems to go to sleep.
Thanks, kitten.
So tonight, I'm gonna show you how to make the one and only cocktail you'll ever need to drink.
You'll need a glass, an ice cube, and a high-proof whiskey.
Now you start by taking the ice cube, throwing it out the window.
Now you do the same with the glass.
Then you just garnish the bottle with your lips and serve directly to the liver.
Ooh-hoo! That'll add a curl to your short hairs.
Next week on Newsreaders, neck tattoos We'll tell you which one will land you that dream job.
And our new dental-dam reviewer Tevin Boland will be here with his latest review.
This one's supposed to taste like grape, but it just tastes like chemicals to me.
Mm.
Blue-raspberry maybe, but I don't know where they got grape.
I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.
He gets submitted every year, but he doesn't quite have what it takes to make it to the next level.
Honestly, like, look at him.
He sweats a lot.
He doesn't blink.
He wears that suit to bed.
- Mm, that's creepy.
- He smells.
You can't get the smell in a photo.
That's the thing.
- He's super creepy.
- He's so close.
His eyebrow freaks me out just on its own.
It looks like it's gonna creep right off of his face.
Yeah.
It's like a caterpillar.