Newzoids (2015) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 (APPLAUSE) And the nominations for best female performance in a light-hearted comedy or paedo-based drama are ANNOUNCER: 'Olivia Colman.
Olivia Colman.
Olivia Colman.
And Olivia Colman.
' And the winner is Oh, this is unexpected.
The Conservative Party.
We won! Of course we did! We promise to cut funding for the arts .
.
and dismantle the BBC.
Up yours, ya lefty luvvies! Bwah! Hello! I'm Amanda Holden and welcome to the bit between the adverts.
This is the show where we find a special forever home for unloved and abandoned politicians.
This is Nigel.
We found him wandering the streets of Thanet.
Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Poor thing's been rejected.
Well, he is a little prone to attacking people.
Bloody foreigners! (GROWLS) Feisty! (CHUCKLES) This is Ed.
He's been horribly beaten and now literally nobody wants him.
Ed Balls! Ed Balls! Bless! (CHUCKLES) And here's Vince.
His ear hair is in bad need of a trim.
He's been terribly neglected, haven't you, old boy? (SNIFFS) Is it time for the election yet?! So please get in touch now or we'll just stick them all in a sack and throw them in the canal.
(GRUNTING) Oh, no.
Has someone got a bucket of water? (LAUGHS) Oh, yums.
I'll take a photo for Mumsnet.
So embarrassing! Fess up your sins, my child.
And remember, they will remain a secret between you, me and the big fella upstairs.
That's exactly why Jeremy Kyle's here.
Sins should not be kept private.
They should be broadcast for the nation's entertainment on the Me Show! Only God can judge sinners! Only Jeremy Kyle can judge sinners and sentence them to public humiliation.
Now give me your top sinners, I've got a show to fill! Go to hell! Where do you think I came from? Oh, mamma mia.
Wahoo! Dave, mate, you're driving like a lunatic.
I love it! Labour can eat my dust! And better still, there's no bloody Clegg in the passenger seat! Huzzah! It's amazing.
I hit one producer in the face and get fired.
You kick the whole country in the nuts for five years and they're asking for more! Yes, I can do anything I want and they still love me.
Watch this.
(TYRES SCREECH) Bloody hell! Look out! Help! (GROANS) Holy crap! She's in a worse state than Richard Hammond.
Get this woman to a hospital.
You are kidding? Listen, you old bat, we've closed your local hospital.
You'll have to crawl home.
(GROANS) Now, will you still vote Conservative? Oh, yes, dear.
I don't want to risk that Scottish lot.
Unbelievable! Right, you steal her purse while I run over her again.
Dave, I never thought I'd say this, but you've gone too far.
Oh, cheers! Kanye, honey, can you take a photo of me, taking a photo of me, holding my book of photos of me? Sure thing, Kim.
(TABLET RINGS) Hello? Hello, it's Kim here! WTF?! I'm Kim! I am world's number one Kim! You have stolen my idea for book full of photos of Kim! No way! Yours'll never sell.
You don't have as many followers as me.
I've got 25 million followers! Minus one I just execute.
Your photos are rubbish! You not even have one single photo of you pointing at fish canning factory! Now, listen to me.
I'm the world's number one Kim.
Kanye, you tell him.
Which one of us is the best Kim? Well, honey, you know how I love big asses.
Well, he's the biggest ass I ever saw! Ha-ha! In your face, Kim! Hello.
We're trying to find out why the election opinion polls were completely and utterly wrong.
Can I ask you, do you ever lie to opinion polls? I'm sorry, I'm not in.
Oh, Benedict That was incredible, darling.
Not as incredible as you! Don't.
I've told you, Sophie, I'm just an ordinary guy.
(GASPS) Look! There he is! ALL: The chosen one has woken! All hail the Messiah! Oh, shit.
He's not just the Messiah, he's a very sexy boy! Would you please listen to me? You mustn't worship me! I'm justBenedict.
Benedict! He even has a saintly name! ALL: Hail, Saint Benedict! Please, I'm not a saint.
I played a baddie in Star Trek! ALL: Oh, we loved you in that! I played the part of a paedophile rapist in Atonement! (ALL GASP) Only a true saint would dare to play the part of a paedophile rapist! ALL: He's a saint! We are your Cumberbitches! Don't say that word! I won't allow you to be my bitches! You areCumberpeople.
ALL: Yes! We are your Cumberpeoplebitches! (Oh, Crikey.
) You do know Eddie Redmayne lives just down the road? ALL: Does he?! Ooh.
People are so shallow.
Just because he won the Oscar.
Darling? Darling? (DOOR SLAMS) SOPHIE: Wait for me! (GROWLS) Now, confess your sins, my son.
Sins? I have no sins.
It was a perfectly legal investment at the time.
It was only later found to be a tax-avoidance scheme.
No, I was talking about that duet you did with Michael Buble.
Oh, yeah.
That was a bit of a stinker.
Welcome to Election Match Of The Day with me, Nick Robinson.
My brain's so big, it's pushed all my hair out.
We start with the shock result from last week.
I don't think anyone saw this one coming.
Eh, Roy? Roy! Whoa! What is it? An air raid?! Anyway, as I always say, there are no easy results in international politics.
I remember one time against Moldova - Yes, well, let's have a look at the key moment.
ROY: As you can see, the boy Miliband has got a massive open goal in front of him.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I'm a happy warrior.
All he's got to do is slot it home.
It seems inconceivable that he could possibly miss.
But, but, but, but, but, but, but buthell, yeah! (GRUNTS) So, what next for Labour? They should follow the tried and tested England approach.
Rebuild.
Start to look good, get everyone's hopes up.
Then, when it comes to the big occasion, screw up spectacularly.
I'm sure they will.
At least I tried.
(GROANS) ANNOUNCER: 'It's time to meet the judges! Simon Cowell.
' Hi, guys.
It's a great honour.
I hope you appreciate it.
'David Walliams.
' Ooh, hello, sailor! I'm free! Shut that door! I'm the only gay in the village! Coo-ee! 'Amanda Holden.
' Hello.
It's me, happy face.
Oh, no applause, sad face.
'AndQueen Elizabeth II.
' What?! Excuse me? Looks like I won't be the biggest queen on the judging panel after all! Why is this man pretending to be a homosexual? So, Your Majesty, what brings you here? The winner of this (COUGHS) .
.
'talent' contest gets a spot on the Royal Variety Performance! I've sat through eight arse-numbing years of this crap! Well, I've had enough.
It's my turn to pick the winner! I'm sorry, but we can't possibly allow (CORGI SNARLS) I meanwelcome aboard, Your Majesty! Very well.
Let the shotgun see the stag! Terrible! Is there nobody else? I'm sorry, Your Majesty, that is the lot.
You've got to pick one of them.
No, I've got a better idea.
ANNOUNCER: 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year's Royal Variety Show.
' Oh, I expect it'll be the same old rubbish, eh, darling? Still, I'm looking forward to our traditional hanky-panky in the interval.
Crikey! 'Dear Vince, by forming a coalition with the Tories, I brought shame and disgrace on our once-great party.
I have decided to do the honourable thing and end it all.
Farewell, cruel world.
Nick.
Nick? Nick? Oh, no! Nick! Yes? Thank God, I thought you were dead! Oh, yes, I made that pledge with the best of intentions.
But what's one more broken promise? I'm going to kill you! (WHIMPERS) Booyakasha! I'm Evan Davis.
And on tonight's definitely-not-at-all-desperate-for- ratings show, I'll be completely naked.
That's right, grandpa, all news, all nude.
Snapchat THIS, Question Time! And it was all yellow! (ROARS) Aa-a-a-a-a-ah! Nicola! There's a panda in the toilet! Ooh.
That was a hell of a party! 56 seats.
Get in! What time is it? It's Wednesday! Oh, my God! What did we get up to? Last thing I remember was that massive fireworks display.
Says here one of the Trident missiles is missing.
And so are the Shetlands.
Whoopsie! It's all coming back.
I think I gave Nick Clegg three of our seats.
What?! Well, we've got so many! And he looked so sad.
(BOTH LAUGH) Right, Westminster, here we come! (GROWLS) You'd better call Edinburgh Zoo first.
Ah.
I've got no power.
Aye.
56 seats and no actual power.
Still, Nick Clegg, eh? (BOTH LAUGH) There you go Oh.
'Polyglot'.
Well done.
'Ere! That word's not allowed.
It's way too short! Eh? You want to play it my way.
It needs some expandifying! By the revolutionary powers invested in myself, this 'ere tediocity requires an ad hoc rebrandifiaction.
I give you Russell Brand's Wordextendification.
I may be a political ignoramus but I am a professor of linguistic ridiculosity.
That's not even a word.
To boost your apparent brainboxiness, simply confabulate the most erudite words what you can think of.
'Loquaciousnessism.
' Extrapolate them to the maximum lengthworthiness 'Lawksamercificationifying.
' And bedazzle your awe-struck acolytes with some serious impressification.
'Egopretentiousity'.
There's no such thing.
Oh, I think there is.
Every game of Wordextendification comes with an excessitudinous supply of 800 letters.
Russell Brand's Wordextendification.
And best of all, it comes with a nice big rack How dare you! Predecess from your anti-delirium pornographification of this here bird.
The election was exciting and unpredictable and you had absolutely no idea who was going to win.
Hey, we should try that in Formula One sometime.
Well, I've never seen a healthier baby.
Do you have any questions? Doctor, this might sound silly but Do you think Princess Charlotte could catch something off George? Oi-oi! Hello, treacle! Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven? Ooh! Oh, come on, lighten up, luv! Just a bit of bants.
She knows! Oh! Ole, ole, ole, ole Shut him up! Give him a Greggs steak bake! Ooh.
Nice one! Proper moist.
No need to worry.
George's 'commonness' is not contagious.
It's actually passed down from one of the parents Well, he's not got it off my lot, has he? My family are staunchly middle class! Haven't you seen the Middleton crest? Hmm Tyson! Here, boy! Kill, kill! Good dog! Love it! Your Highness and your Middleness, it is possible that George's symptoms could be alleviated if we expose him to the poshest person in the country.
Of course.
I'll get Grandmama.
Good Lord, no, I was thinking of somebody really posh! Eh, hello.
I'm Mary Berry.
Let's start with elocution.
How now brown cow.
Cah.
Cow.
Cah.
Cow.
Cah.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, he's back, in spite of popular demand.
Nigel Farage.
Good evening! As the asylum seeker said to the customs officer, "You can't get rid of me.
" I thought UKIP were meant to throw people out! Good one, mate.
Now shut it and take your seat.
At least I've got a seat! Very funny.
All right, here's a joke for you.
The first-past-the-post system.
(LAUGHTER) What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Getting 12% of the national vote and only one bloody MP.
(LAUGHTER) A UKIP man walks into the House of Commons bar.
He can't fit in, it's full of Scottish Nationalists.
And they're all pissed! Not racist.
Just a bad loser.
Mine's a pint.
Bitter? You bet I am.
(BELCHES) Ring-a-ding-ding, next confessor, please! Hello, Popey-peeps! I think I am ready to confess all of my sins.
Holy mackerel! Sister Mary, clear my diary! Hello.
I'm Kay Burley, picking at the scab of the news until it weeps.
(HISSES) With me is the Prime Minister, David Cameron.
Hello.
So, five more years of austerity.
Won't that mean more human suffering, more despair, more families being torn apart? Well - Because, if so, hooray! I thrive on misery! Prime Minister, I think I love you.
Can I lick your face? (HISSES) Ooh! I don't even let George do that! No.
I'm Andy Murray, professional tennis player.
Hence the racket.
(MOROSELY) This is how I always look.
The SNP won and I beat Nadal.
I am so happy.
You will fit in well here.
Come, let us gaze morosely together at the canal.
I am not miserable! # PHARRELL WILLIAMS: Happy # You might think I'm a miserable Scot # But let me assure you, I'm definitely not # It's not my fault if I seem so glum # It's in my genes, just look at my mum # Yes, I'm # Happy # Sing along if you feel like Centre Court without a roof # He's so happy Sing along if Nadal's serve hits you in the Oof! I still beat him.
# The SNP won almost every seat # My wife shouts "fuck" at the guys I beat # There's only one thing really makes me mad # When people see my face and think I'm sad # Now I'm not happy # Happy # Yeah, I'm not happy # I'm angry, livid, pissed off Fuming, irate, seething Grrr.
Hi, and welcome to Embarrassing Bodies.
Let's take a gawp - I mean a look - at our first patient.
'Katie Hopkins is a professional Twitter troll, who said she'd leave the country if Labour got in.
But that still didn't swing quite enough votes.
' Right, Katie, what appears to be the problem? If you ask me, dyslexia doesn't exist, it's just a bunch of book-dodging thickos.
Bleurgh! I see.
You clearly can't stop producing bile.
Feminism is just a bunch of ugly cows who only hate men because they don't have a decent pair of jugs.
Bleurgh! Oh, dear.
I think there's only one cure for this.
Cancer is just God's way of telling poor people to earn more money.
Bleurgh! Here you are, take one of these pills.
Do I have to? Yes, it's cyanide.
Ha! Good luck with that! I'm already 100% pure poison.
Bleurgh! Want to see my abs? 'Meanwhile, in Highgrove, Charles and Camilla are halfway through their second wine cellar.
' (BELCHES) I can't stand Benefits Street! Wastrels sponging off the state! Never done a day's work in their lives.
Hmm, we'd never live like that.
Bunch of lazy-arsed no-goods.
Top-up? Hmmmore gin, please.
There, right in the eyeball.
Hello, this is the famous Hadron Collider.
Amazing, isn't it? It's home to hundreds of physicists, who are trying to find the answers to the most important questions in the universe.
Questions like, "Is Brian Cox single?" Today we are going to witness the most dangerous scientific experiment ever attempted, as a team of particle physicists try to split the Ant and Dec.
What? No! No, we don't want to separate.
We've always been together.
Who'll get custody of the BAFTAs?! (BOTH LAUGH) As we all learned at school, for every Ant, there is an equal and opposite Dec, but scientists are hoping that by firing super-charged protons at an Ant and Dec, they might just be able to split them apart.
Amazing.
Whoa, Ant, this is well weird.
We're going so fast, I've lost all feeling in my face.
It's like being Amanda Holden.
Sadly, it doesn't look like the experiment has worked.
We're still together! Hold on a second, though.
something weird has happened.
We're the wrong way round! Actually, this is better.
Dec and Ant! I like it.
No-o-o-o-o-o! Cara, babes, you're shaking.
How long's it been since your last one? God, a good five minutes? Go on, have a quick one.
Treat yourself.
A-A-A-And Instagram.
Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.
Time now to hear from the most important man in British politics.
Me! And the person lucky enough to be talking to me today is Boris Johnson.
Wahoo! Bwah! Greetings and salutations! So, Boris, you're the Mayor of London and now you've also been elected as an MP and you're attending cabinet meetings.
The question some people are asking, though not as brilliantly as I'm asking it, is, "Can you really do three jobs at once?" NoI - I - I - I can do hundreds of jobs at once.
Three jobs are for wimps! I also do my newspaper column, books, consultancy work and I'm a milkman.
Good morning, Mrs Robinson, I've got that extra cream you ordered! (LAUGHS) I'm also a jockey, a brain surgeon, and a plumber.
Good morning, Mrs Robinson, got any pipes that need unblocking? (LAUGHS) I'm a pilot, professional footballer and - and - and a gardener.
Good morning, Mrs Robinson, got a bush that need tri- I get the idea.
(TAPPING SOUND) (HUMS) What are you doing, Ed? Oh, Yvette.
I've let everybody down.
So I thought I'd say sorry.
Oh, Ed.
It's got two 'R's.
At least I tried.
(SOBS)
Olivia Colman.
Olivia Colman.
And Olivia Colman.
' And the winner is Oh, this is unexpected.
The Conservative Party.
We won! Of course we did! We promise to cut funding for the arts .
.
and dismantle the BBC.
Up yours, ya lefty luvvies! Bwah! Hello! I'm Amanda Holden and welcome to the bit between the adverts.
This is the show where we find a special forever home for unloved and abandoned politicians.
This is Nigel.
We found him wandering the streets of Thanet.
Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Poor thing's been rejected.
Well, he is a little prone to attacking people.
Bloody foreigners! (GROWLS) Feisty! (CHUCKLES) This is Ed.
He's been horribly beaten and now literally nobody wants him.
Ed Balls! Ed Balls! Bless! (CHUCKLES) And here's Vince.
His ear hair is in bad need of a trim.
He's been terribly neglected, haven't you, old boy? (SNIFFS) Is it time for the election yet?! So please get in touch now or we'll just stick them all in a sack and throw them in the canal.
(GRUNTING) Oh, no.
Has someone got a bucket of water? (LAUGHS) Oh, yums.
I'll take a photo for Mumsnet.
So embarrassing! Fess up your sins, my child.
And remember, they will remain a secret between you, me and the big fella upstairs.
That's exactly why Jeremy Kyle's here.
Sins should not be kept private.
They should be broadcast for the nation's entertainment on the Me Show! Only God can judge sinners! Only Jeremy Kyle can judge sinners and sentence them to public humiliation.
Now give me your top sinners, I've got a show to fill! Go to hell! Where do you think I came from? Oh, mamma mia.
Wahoo! Dave, mate, you're driving like a lunatic.
I love it! Labour can eat my dust! And better still, there's no bloody Clegg in the passenger seat! Huzzah! It's amazing.
I hit one producer in the face and get fired.
You kick the whole country in the nuts for five years and they're asking for more! Yes, I can do anything I want and they still love me.
Watch this.
(TYRES SCREECH) Bloody hell! Look out! Help! (GROANS) Holy crap! She's in a worse state than Richard Hammond.
Get this woman to a hospital.
You are kidding? Listen, you old bat, we've closed your local hospital.
You'll have to crawl home.
(GROANS) Now, will you still vote Conservative? Oh, yes, dear.
I don't want to risk that Scottish lot.
Unbelievable! Right, you steal her purse while I run over her again.
Dave, I never thought I'd say this, but you've gone too far.
Oh, cheers! Kanye, honey, can you take a photo of me, taking a photo of me, holding my book of photos of me? Sure thing, Kim.
(TABLET RINGS) Hello? Hello, it's Kim here! WTF?! I'm Kim! I am world's number one Kim! You have stolen my idea for book full of photos of Kim! No way! Yours'll never sell.
You don't have as many followers as me.
I've got 25 million followers! Minus one I just execute.
Your photos are rubbish! You not even have one single photo of you pointing at fish canning factory! Now, listen to me.
I'm the world's number one Kim.
Kanye, you tell him.
Which one of us is the best Kim? Well, honey, you know how I love big asses.
Well, he's the biggest ass I ever saw! Ha-ha! In your face, Kim! Hello.
We're trying to find out why the election opinion polls were completely and utterly wrong.
Can I ask you, do you ever lie to opinion polls? I'm sorry, I'm not in.
Oh, Benedict That was incredible, darling.
Not as incredible as you! Don't.
I've told you, Sophie, I'm just an ordinary guy.
(GASPS) Look! There he is! ALL: The chosen one has woken! All hail the Messiah! Oh, shit.
He's not just the Messiah, he's a very sexy boy! Would you please listen to me? You mustn't worship me! I'm justBenedict.
Benedict! He even has a saintly name! ALL: Hail, Saint Benedict! Please, I'm not a saint.
I played a baddie in Star Trek! ALL: Oh, we loved you in that! I played the part of a paedophile rapist in Atonement! (ALL GASP) Only a true saint would dare to play the part of a paedophile rapist! ALL: He's a saint! We are your Cumberbitches! Don't say that word! I won't allow you to be my bitches! You areCumberpeople.
ALL: Yes! We are your Cumberpeoplebitches! (Oh, Crikey.
) You do know Eddie Redmayne lives just down the road? ALL: Does he?! Ooh.
People are so shallow.
Just because he won the Oscar.
Darling? Darling? (DOOR SLAMS) SOPHIE: Wait for me! (GROWLS) Now, confess your sins, my son.
Sins? I have no sins.
It was a perfectly legal investment at the time.
It was only later found to be a tax-avoidance scheme.
No, I was talking about that duet you did with Michael Buble.
Oh, yeah.
That was a bit of a stinker.
Welcome to Election Match Of The Day with me, Nick Robinson.
My brain's so big, it's pushed all my hair out.
We start with the shock result from last week.
I don't think anyone saw this one coming.
Eh, Roy? Roy! Whoa! What is it? An air raid?! Anyway, as I always say, there are no easy results in international politics.
I remember one time against Moldova - Yes, well, let's have a look at the key moment.
ROY: As you can see, the boy Miliband has got a massive open goal in front of him.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I'm a happy warrior.
All he's got to do is slot it home.
It seems inconceivable that he could possibly miss.
But, but, but, but, but, but, but buthell, yeah! (GRUNTS) So, what next for Labour? They should follow the tried and tested England approach.
Rebuild.
Start to look good, get everyone's hopes up.
Then, when it comes to the big occasion, screw up spectacularly.
I'm sure they will.
At least I tried.
(GROANS) ANNOUNCER: 'It's time to meet the judges! Simon Cowell.
' Hi, guys.
It's a great honour.
I hope you appreciate it.
'David Walliams.
' Ooh, hello, sailor! I'm free! Shut that door! I'm the only gay in the village! Coo-ee! 'Amanda Holden.
' Hello.
It's me, happy face.
Oh, no applause, sad face.
'AndQueen Elizabeth II.
' What?! Excuse me? Looks like I won't be the biggest queen on the judging panel after all! Why is this man pretending to be a homosexual? So, Your Majesty, what brings you here? The winner of this (COUGHS) .
.
'talent' contest gets a spot on the Royal Variety Performance! I've sat through eight arse-numbing years of this crap! Well, I've had enough.
It's my turn to pick the winner! I'm sorry, but we can't possibly allow (CORGI SNARLS) I meanwelcome aboard, Your Majesty! Very well.
Let the shotgun see the stag! Terrible! Is there nobody else? I'm sorry, Your Majesty, that is the lot.
You've got to pick one of them.
No, I've got a better idea.
ANNOUNCER: 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year's Royal Variety Show.
' Oh, I expect it'll be the same old rubbish, eh, darling? Still, I'm looking forward to our traditional hanky-panky in the interval.
Crikey! 'Dear Vince, by forming a coalition with the Tories, I brought shame and disgrace on our once-great party.
I have decided to do the honourable thing and end it all.
Farewell, cruel world.
Nick.
Nick? Nick? Oh, no! Nick! Yes? Thank God, I thought you were dead! Oh, yes, I made that pledge with the best of intentions.
But what's one more broken promise? I'm going to kill you! (WHIMPERS) Booyakasha! I'm Evan Davis.
And on tonight's definitely-not-at-all-desperate-for- ratings show, I'll be completely naked.
That's right, grandpa, all news, all nude.
Snapchat THIS, Question Time! And it was all yellow! (ROARS) Aa-a-a-a-a-ah! Nicola! There's a panda in the toilet! Ooh.
That was a hell of a party! 56 seats.
Get in! What time is it? It's Wednesday! Oh, my God! What did we get up to? Last thing I remember was that massive fireworks display.
Says here one of the Trident missiles is missing.
And so are the Shetlands.
Whoopsie! It's all coming back.
I think I gave Nick Clegg three of our seats.
What?! Well, we've got so many! And he looked so sad.
(BOTH LAUGH) Right, Westminster, here we come! (GROWLS) You'd better call Edinburgh Zoo first.
Ah.
I've got no power.
Aye.
56 seats and no actual power.
Still, Nick Clegg, eh? (BOTH LAUGH) There you go Oh.
'Polyglot'.
Well done.
'Ere! That word's not allowed.
It's way too short! Eh? You want to play it my way.
It needs some expandifying! By the revolutionary powers invested in myself, this 'ere tediocity requires an ad hoc rebrandifiaction.
I give you Russell Brand's Wordextendification.
I may be a political ignoramus but I am a professor of linguistic ridiculosity.
That's not even a word.
To boost your apparent brainboxiness, simply confabulate the most erudite words what you can think of.
'Loquaciousnessism.
' Extrapolate them to the maximum lengthworthiness 'Lawksamercificationifying.
' And bedazzle your awe-struck acolytes with some serious impressification.
'Egopretentiousity'.
There's no such thing.
Oh, I think there is.
Every game of Wordextendification comes with an excessitudinous supply of 800 letters.
Russell Brand's Wordextendification.
And best of all, it comes with a nice big rack How dare you! Predecess from your anti-delirium pornographification of this here bird.
The election was exciting and unpredictable and you had absolutely no idea who was going to win.
Hey, we should try that in Formula One sometime.
Well, I've never seen a healthier baby.
Do you have any questions? Doctor, this might sound silly but Do you think Princess Charlotte could catch something off George? Oi-oi! Hello, treacle! Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven? Ooh! Oh, come on, lighten up, luv! Just a bit of bants.
She knows! Oh! Ole, ole, ole, ole Shut him up! Give him a Greggs steak bake! Ooh.
Nice one! Proper moist.
No need to worry.
George's 'commonness' is not contagious.
It's actually passed down from one of the parents Well, he's not got it off my lot, has he? My family are staunchly middle class! Haven't you seen the Middleton crest? Hmm Tyson! Here, boy! Kill, kill! Good dog! Love it! Your Highness and your Middleness, it is possible that George's symptoms could be alleviated if we expose him to the poshest person in the country.
Of course.
I'll get Grandmama.
Good Lord, no, I was thinking of somebody really posh! Eh, hello.
I'm Mary Berry.
Let's start with elocution.
How now brown cow.
Cah.
Cow.
Cah.
Cow.
Cah.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, he's back, in spite of popular demand.
Nigel Farage.
Good evening! As the asylum seeker said to the customs officer, "You can't get rid of me.
" I thought UKIP were meant to throw people out! Good one, mate.
Now shut it and take your seat.
At least I've got a seat! Very funny.
All right, here's a joke for you.
The first-past-the-post system.
(LAUGHTER) What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Getting 12% of the national vote and only one bloody MP.
(LAUGHTER) A UKIP man walks into the House of Commons bar.
He can't fit in, it's full of Scottish Nationalists.
And they're all pissed! Not racist.
Just a bad loser.
Mine's a pint.
Bitter? You bet I am.
(BELCHES) Ring-a-ding-ding, next confessor, please! Hello, Popey-peeps! I think I am ready to confess all of my sins.
Holy mackerel! Sister Mary, clear my diary! Hello.
I'm Kay Burley, picking at the scab of the news until it weeps.
(HISSES) With me is the Prime Minister, David Cameron.
Hello.
So, five more years of austerity.
Won't that mean more human suffering, more despair, more families being torn apart? Well - Because, if so, hooray! I thrive on misery! Prime Minister, I think I love you.
Can I lick your face? (HISSES) Ooh! I don't even let George do that! No.
I'm Andy Murray, professional tennis player.
Hence the racket.
(MOROSELY) This is how I always look.
The SNP won and I beat Nadal.
I am so happy.
You will fit in well here.
Come, let us gaze morosely together at the canal.
I am not miserable! # PHARRELL WILLIAMS: Happy # You might think I'm a miserable Scot # But let me assure you, I'm definitely not # It's not my fault if I seem so glum # It's in my genes, just look at my mum # Yes, I'm # Happy # Sing along if you feel like Centre Court without a roof # He's so happy Sing along if Nadal's serve hits you in the Oof! I still beat him.
# The SNP won almost every seat # My wife shouts "fuck" at the guys I beat # There's only one thing really makes me mad # When people see my face and think I'm sad # Now I'm not happy # Happy # Yeah, I'm not happy # I'm angry, livid, pissed off Fuming, irate, seething Grrr.
Hi, and welcome to Embarrassing Bodies.
Let's take a gawp - I mean a look - at our first patient.
'Katie Hopkins is a professional Twitter troll, who said she'd leave the country if Labour got in.
But that still didn't swing quite enough votes.
' Right, Katie, what appears to be the problem? If you ask me, dyslexia doesn't exist, it's just a bunch of book-dodging thickos.
Bleurgh! I see.
You clearly can't stop producing bile.
Feminism is just a bunch of ugly cows who only hate men because they don't have a decent pair of jugs.
Bleurgh! Oh, dear.
I think there's only one cure for this.
Cancer is just God's way of telling poor people to earn more money.
Bleurgh! Here you are, take one of these pills.
Do I have to? Yes, it's cyanide.
Ha! Good luck with that! I'm already 100% pure poison.
Bleurgh! Want to see my abs? 'Meanwhile, in Highgrove, Charles and Camilla are halfway through their second wine cellar.
' (BELCHES) I can't stand Benefits Street! Wastrels sponging off the state! Never done a day's work in their lives.
Hmm, we'd never live like that.
Bunch of lazy-arsed no-goods.
Top-up? Hmmmore gin, please.
There, right in the eyeball.
Hello, this is the famous Hadron Collider.
Amazing, isn't it? It's home to hundreds of physicists, who are trying to find the answers to the most important questions in the universe.
Questions like, "Is Brian Cox single?" Today we are going to witness the most dangerous scientific experiment ever attempted, as a team of particle physicists try to split the Ant and Dec.
What? No! No, we don't want to separate.
We've always been together.
Who'll get custody of the BAFTAs?! (BOTH LAUGH) As we all learned at school, for every Ant, there is an equal and opposite Dec, but scientists are hoping that by firing super-charged protons at an Ant and Dec, they might just be able to split them apart.
Amazing.
Whoa, Ant, this is well weird.
We're going so fast, I've lost all feeling in my face.
It's like being Amanda Holden.
Sadly, it doesn't look like the experiment has worked.
We're still together! Hold on a second, though.
something weird has happened.
We're the wrong way round! Actually, this is better.
Dec and Ant! I like it.
No-o-o-o-o-o! Cara, babes, you're shaking.
How long's it been since your last one? God, a good five minutes? Go on, have a quick one.
Treat yourself.
A-A-A-And Instagram.
Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.
Time now to hear from the most important man in British politics.
Me! And the person lucky enough to be talking to me today is Boris Johnson.
Wahoo! Bwah! Greetings and salutations! So, Boris, you're the Mayor of London and now you've also been elected as an MP and you're attending cabinet meetings.
The question some people are asking, though not as brilliantly as I'm asking it, is, "Can you really do three jobs at once?" NoI - I - I - I can do hundreds of jobs at once.
Three jobs are for wimps! I also do my newspaper column, books, consultancy work and I'm a milkman.
Good morning, Mrs Robinson, I've got that extra cream you ordered! (LAUGHS) I'm also a jockey, a brain surgeon, and a plumber.
Good morning, Mrs Robinson, got any pipes that need unblocking? (LAUGHS) I'm a pilot, professional footballer and - and - and a gardener.
Good morning, Mrs Robinson, got a bush that need tri- I get the idea.
(TAPPING SOUND) (HUMS) What are you doing, Ed? Oh, Yvette.
I've let everybody down.
So I thought I'd say sorry.
Oh, Ed.
It's got two 'R's.
At least I tried.
(SOBS)