Night Court (2023) s03e04 Episode Script

1
Your Honor, the defendant is charged
with inciting a riot
during a Christmas concert
at the Central Park Bird Sanctuary.
Your Honor, my client
was merely trying
to put on a holiday concert
where the birds could tweet along
or land on your shoulder
like we've been promised by cartoons.
Instead, the music turned
our feathered friends
into killing machines.
I would show you the
photos, but hoo!
You would never eat chicken again.
According to this report,
there are injuries to
12 drummers drumming,
11 pipers piping?
10 lords a-leaping.
Nine ladies dancing ♪
Eight maids a-milking ♪
They wrecked the latte bar.
Seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying ♪
I want to drink ♪
Four calling birds,
three French hens ♪
Two turtle doves ♪
Dan?
And a partridge
Objection! Scrooge.
Don't hide that baritone
under a bunch of bah
humbug, Counselor.
And a partridge with a broke beak ♪
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Merry Christmas to all.
And to you, $1,000 fine.
♪
[BELLS RING]
♪
Just a little something
to show my appreciation
- at this special time.
- Aw!
- Mine's empty.
- Mine, too.
Unless
did you blow a kiss in
here, you scoundrel?
No, it's not my fault
that the city outlawed gift giving
between municipal workers.
Fingers crossed next
year they ban small talk,
so I'll never have to answer
"Sup, big man?" again.
Sup, big man?
Don't think I forgot
my favorite judge.
I know it's empty.
But don't worry.
Even without gifts,
we're still gonna do
something special for the holidays.
I signed us up for a
Christmas escape room.
We got the invitation.
Rather unsettling that
the only two RSVP options
were "yes" and "hell yes."
It's Titanic themed. The
only other option was
Escape from Santa's
Workshop, but I did that one,
and I got in trouble for
not trying to escape.
Wait. We have to be
there in three hours?
No way!
I mean, if Julianne was here, maybe.
But she's at her
anger-management group's
Christmas dinner.
None of the food requires knives.
With Murray filling in,
you might as well cancel.
I mean, it takes him two hours
just to do his pre-trial warmups.
I prosecute with
every inch of my body.
I will be damned if
I'm gonna pull a muscle
and let A.I. take my job.
Hey! New coat, these are my friends.
Friends, this is my new coat.
Where was this energy when I
introduced you to my new hat?
The girls got this for me
as an early Christmas gift.
All I had to do was
pay for it, wrap it,
and then pretend to like the
stuff they actually got me.
Wyatt, just so you know, we
need to move fast tonight.
Hold up. Did you just
put your coat under mine?
Did I?
I was listening to the judge
talk about moving fast tonight.
It's just a strange thing to do,
given there are a
number of open hooks.
This is the opposite of moving fast.
You know what? It is a bit odd.
Well, even if all the hooks were full,
you would go on top of a
coat that was already there.
Nobody goes under a pre-existing coat.
That's what I'm saying.
There's a lot to unpack here.
No, no, no, there's nothing to unpack.
Our bags are already on
the Titanic. Let's go.
The judge is right.
Time is of the essence.
We need to get in there and aah!
Aah! See this?
This is why I need to stretch.
Sir, you can't go around
tearing down inflatable Santas
because you feel they
draw attention away
from the birth of
your Lord and Savior.
December 25th is Jimmy
Buffett's birthday,
and you all have lost your way.
Jimmy saves.
Jimmy saves!
Well, it's 5:00 somewhere,
but not where you're going.
One night in jail and $50 fine.
I gotta hand it to you Parrotheads.
Hawaiian shirts don't
look good on anybody,
but you're sticking with it.
All right. We are one case
away from boarding the Titanic.
I hear the first puzzle
is actually rearranging
the deck chairs.
Last up the State
versus Fred Norton.
The defendant is
charged with trespassing
after he refused to
leave a Christmas party.
I couldn't leave before those
fine people heard all about
the suckiest vacuum
cleaner money can buy,
or my name isn't Sam Snead.
But that isn't your name.
According to your driver's license,
you're Fred Norton, and
you're not a salesman.
You're an actor.
And it says here you're
really willing to do nudity.
The defendant was hired to run
a murder-mystery holiday party
and wouldn't break character,
even after it was made clear
everyone wanted it to be over.
Wanting it to be over is implied when
you said "murder-mystery party."
Hey, murder-mystery
parties are not on trial.
If so, I'd have to recuse
myself because I love them.
Everyone gets dressed
up, the lights go out,
there's a dead body,
and you have to figure out who did it
and why my date
disappeared into a bedroom
with a different person.
I've got the perfect way
to keep your man happy
this Christmas
the Staininator 3000!
Would you care for a
demonstration, ma'am?
"Ma'am"?
This because somebody said
I was eating yogurt earlier?
Mr. Norton, it would
really help your cause
if you would just speak as yourself.
This is a court of law, not
a murder-mystery dinner
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING, THUD]
[GASPS] Oh, no!
Flobert's dead!
[SOBBING] Why?!
Take me instead!
No, wait.
Take Dan!
[GASPS] Sorry.
Darkness instantly puts me to sleep.
I am very dangerous
driving through tunnels.
Judge, your chair.
[GASPS] "You're next. Ho ho ho."
Aw. Your first death threat.
No one move. You're gonna
want to remember this.
I'll get a camera!
Detective Kratz, NYPD.
How can I help you?
Besides finding the
bastard that did this?
It might be easier if you
took your sunglasses off.
After all, it is night,
and we are inside.
Don't tell me how to do my
Oh, yeah, that's much
better. Thank you.
Detective, it's gotta be
the murder-mystery guy.
I mean, you can't pretend
to die 52 weeks a year
and not end up a little weird.
Well, I'm sorry, but we
take all threats seriously.
There's something
about this time of year
that brings out the worst in people.
You know, my wife
left me on Christmas.
This Christmas.
I found the divorce
papers in my stocking.
That's what I get for peeking!
Speaking of Christmas,
some of us have plans.
Is there any way we can
fast-track this investigation,
since, again, we know who did it?
We are talking about your safety here.
Detective, you take as
much time as you want,
even if it means we miss the thing
that only Abby wanted to do.
Don't listen to him. He just hates fun.
- I don't
- If this were a Christmas movie,
there'd be a pile of angels just
trying to jumpstart his heart.
Well, unfortunately,
you're all stuck here
until Vacuum Guy cooperates.
Although, he is a good salesman.
I almost bought one for my wife.
Ex-wife.
Now excuse me. I have to go deal with
some police feelings
[SOBS] in the bathroom.
This is why men shouldn't be cops.
♪
Excuse me, Wyatt.
I just need a place to put my folder.
Oh, I just put my folder under yours.
[CHUCKLES] What a weird thing to do.
I should probably explain myself.
Fine, Gurgs.
Truth is, I did put my coat
under yours on purpose.
I didn't want it to get stolen.
Oh, so you'd be fine
if my coat got stolen.
Fine's the wrong word.
Shocked. Uh, I would be shocked
if it got stolen.
[CHUCKLES] That's why it's
the perfect cover for my coat.
Oh! Oh, well, my coat
doesn't want to be your coat's coat!
Enough with the coats.
Whatever happened with the folder
now, that was interesting.
All right, guys, if we could
just link Fred to this crime,
we can escape this room and
head to a warehouse in Brooklyn
that used to be an
underground dance club,
but now is a place we can get into.
I'm not going anywhere
with that jacket ass.
I told you she was a hothead.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, she's that, too.
What your coat say about me?
Tell your coat
to say it to my face!
People! People, please.
It's Jimmy Buffett's
birthday. Show some respect.
Abby, just face it.
You're shipwreck's a train wreck.
We're never making it
to the escape room.
Dan, I know you don't
have the holiday spirit,
but we all fake it sometimes.
News flash we don't need
another story about Louisiana.
We know where it is.
If it was that interesting, we'd go.
If I'm the only one
who cares about this,
I'll just get us out of here,
go to that Titanic escape room alone,
and drown on Christmas all by myself!
Move it, big man!
♪
So has he confessed yet?
'Cause I'm about to miss my boat.
Talking to this guy's a waste of time.
He suffers from what we on
the force call a 55-20
broken brain.
He's totally lost touch with reality.
He's stuck in whatever murder
mystery he was playing in.
Speaking of 55-20,
this baby comes in 55 different colors
and has 20 different attachments.
That's 4,200 different
ways of having fun!
You see what I'm dealing with?
I gotta go take a walk.
You know, my wife and
I used to take walks.
They've got codes for broken brains,
[CRYING] but not broken hearts.
You just lost your good cop.
Now you're staring at a lady who,
for the first time in her life,
is not excited about Christmas.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna
take a bus upstate,
where I'm gonna spend my
day setting up my mom's
digital frame just
so she can remind me
that I haven't given her
any grandkids to put in it.
Then I don't have anyone
to kiss under the mistletoe
because my boyfriend's
mom needed a wingman
for her singles cruise.
You not confessing is
keeping me from the one thing
I was looking forward to.
So I'm gonna give you one last chance.
Come clean, bucko!
Did someone say clean?
- Oh, my God.
- Just come back to reality
so I can get on the damn Titanic.
Whoa! Abby. Whoa.
You don't want to shake him.
What you want to do
is you want to lift
- Oh!
- And shake like this!
Aw! You're helping.
Yeah, well, Christmas
brings out the best in me!
Ooh!
Oh! Save some for the wedding night,
my little Georgia peach.
- It was yogurt for men!
- John Stamos eats it!
Why does he keep calling you a woman?
You can't see the
beautiful Southern belle
right before your eyes?
What kind of fortune teller are you?
Fortune teller? Southern be
- Dan! Dan! Dan.
- Hmm?
He thinks we're characters
in his murder-mystery game.
We gotta play along. Just, um
buy a vacuum, buy a vacuum.
And remember, you have boobs.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT ] My house
is just in shambles.
I mean, I-I don't know what to do
since my husband, Ormel, died.
Well, I am sorry for your loss,
but I'm happy for my gain.
- Enchanté.
- Mm.
Would you be a doll and put me down
for one of them little dirt suckers?
Oh, and if you'd like
to see, uh, Louisiana,
it's beautiful this time of the year.
Well, I'll put you down for a vacuum,
and I'll pick you up
for a date. [CHUCKLES]
Let me get the paperwork started.
Dan, you did it. You played along,
and you're gonna get a clue.
Well, I don't have any invoices,
but you can just write
your information here
on my invitation to this party.
Or you can always
whisper it in my ear.
I have a photographic memory.
Click, click. [CHUCKLES]
I'll write it down.
[NORMAL VOICE] What is this?
"You're cordially invited
to Colonel Strangleton's
Malibu estate."
Do you think this is a clue?
Yeah, yeah, this is the game.
We go to this party, and
then we'll get answers.
Why are you smiling?
Oh, my God, there's gonna
be costumes, aren't there?
Okay, so the game
that Fred is stuck in
is called "Murder in Malibu."
We're now all guests at an
oil tycoon's Christmas party.
Abby, I can't hear you. Speak up!
Dan, this all would be
a lot easier to explain
if you would just come into the room.
This is ridiculous.
Woman in my station
this parasol is
dramaturgical incorrect!
I'm just remembering how awful it was
seeing "Hamilton" with you.
Flobert, you're a climate scientist.
- How you feeling?
- Bad.
I've been doing some
research to prepare.
Did you know we're losing the bees?
Without bees, who are the
birds gonna have sex with?
- I'm sorry.
- If I'm the oilman,
why would I invite
this guy to my party?
Because none of this makes sense!
It's "Murder in Malibu."
I'm a Southern belle.
You're an oil tycoon.
She's a fortune teller
named Seymore Tomorrow,
and he is apparently a climate
scientist from the future!
Without the bees, there is no future.
It is a murder-mystery game.
It's not about making sense.
It's about dressing up with
your friends in costume
so you can watch one of them die!
Just so you know, for now,
this costume includes
this cool jacket.
I don't want to hang it up
until there's a basic
coat to cover it.
You'll be waiting a long time.
[AS SHOWGIRL] What do you
think about this coat, babydoll?
Great. Our showgirl's here,
and she's escalated the coat conflict.
Can we just focus on the game?
Our guest of honor is arriving.
Well, finally, a room full
of guests and their wallets!
[CHUCKLES] While we're
waiting to have dinner,
would anyone like to
see a demonstration
of the Staininator 3000?
It cleans up nice,
kinda like you, missy.
He touches me, I'm suing the city.
All right, Colonel
Strangleton, as our host,
would you like to get us started?
His name is Strangleton,
but he gets shot.
This was written by a
room full of monkeys!
[AS STRANGLETON] Welcome to
a home built on black gold.
[NORMAL VOICE] I really think
my character would be eating
a popsicle right now.
Why don't you take your coat off?
Oh, right, you won't,
because deep down,
you know your coat
should be my coat's coat.
- [AS STRANGLETON]
- That's a damn lie.
Enough. If you won't play your roles,
I'll just do it for you.
[AS FORTUNE TELLER] As
I gaze into the future,
I see that the showgirl is [GASPS]
not in love with the oil tycoon.
She's in love with his
money, a gold digger.
[AS SHOWGIRL] Well, I never.
I don't need to marry for money, see?
My real last name is Amtrak.
My daddy owns the
railroad. Choo-choo, baby.
Ooh! I got train money.
[AS CLIMATE SCIENTIST] If you're
hellbent on drilling Mother Earth,
then I'm hellbent on
drilling you full of lead!
[AS STRANGLETON] Don't you
dare point a gun at my fiancée.
- [AS SHOWGIRL]
- She's a real man.
- [AS SOUTHERN BELLE]
- Don't marry her. Marry me.
I've been in love with you
ever since that torrid night
under the magnolias.
Our dirty little secret isn't
the only thing I'm carrying.
I'm also carrying your bastard child!
[GASPS]
Wow. That was an insult to story logic
and to regional Southern dialects.
[NORMAL VOICE] Shh, shh, shh.
We're almost finished.
So the lights go out,
and when they come back on,
the showgirl's dead,
we all know the scorned lover did it.
We're finished, and Fred is
Dying.
The vacuum salesman's not
supposed to get murdered.
Ew. That's really in there.
He's dead.
[GASPING] Oh, God.
I did that, didn't I?!
Come on, it's Christmas.
Help me hide the body.
Detective Kratz, what do we do?
Do we have to lock down the building?
Right. Yeah, we should, um,
call the chief or, uh,
the commish, or, uh
Ah! I'm not a cop. I'm an actor.
Not even a good one.
This badge is chocolate.
I'm a part of his
murder-mystery troupe.
We were hired to run a game here,
but no one was supposed to die!
What do you mean, you
were hired to run a game?
Who hired you?
It doesn't matter who hired him.
There's a killer
loose in the building.
Don't worry. I won't let
anything happen to you.
- Thanks, Wyatt.
- I was talking to my coat.
Everybody, hands up!
You're all under arrest.
He did it. He talks about
killing people every day.
Hey! Shut up! No! Don't shoot!
I didn't kill anybody. All
I did was hire this guy
for one of the stupid
murder-mystery parties.
Now there is a real dead guy,
and this is no longer a party.
Dan, you threw me a
murder-mystery party?
Yeah, I mean, it's Christmas.
I had to give you something.
But I swear to God, Jimmy Buffet,
whoever the hell is listening,
bring this guy back, and
I promise I will never do
another thoughtful
thing as long as I live!
Dan, he's moving. He's breathing.
It's coming back to life because
you believed in Christmas.
Well, I fell for something, didn't I?
Big time. Stand down, everybody.
These are all fake cops.
All those badges are chocolate, too.
Fred, take a bow. You've earned it.
Oh. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Oh, and I think all of you guys
should give yourselves
a big round of applause
for participating in
this beautiful piece
of immersive theater.
Oh. Excellent job.
I gotta admit, Dan, you
had me going for a while.
But then I saw the way you shook Fred.
That wasn't your everyday anger.
You know Dan's different
types of anger?
Oh, yeah.
In our time together,
I've seen every vintage.
I'm kind of an anger sommelier.
And that Fred shake that
was a bottle you only pop open
when someone overcharges
you, like at Chipotle,
when they make you pay extra for guac.
Everybody wants guac.
They should include it in the price.
After that, I went to Fred
and asked him to add
another level to the game.
All it took was me
investing too much money
in his all-female production
of "A Few Good Men."
- Oh, opening night is
- I'm not going.
Now, I'm sure you're all wondering
how I made the murder look so real.
No, no, we're not.
All it took was a watermelon
full of cow's blood.
And where'd you get cow's blood?
Just Google it.
So I guess that's game, set back.
[DRAMATIC "CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS]
♪
Did you just sacrifice your
cool jacket to save mine?
It was my coat's turn to be on top.
- [AS SHOWGIRL] My hero.
- It was nothing.
I was talking to your coat.
[LAUGHS] We will look
back on this and laugh,
when the world is turned to sand
and we're riding our worms to work.
You know, I take back
everything I said
about a pile of angels having
to jumpstart your heart,
because this might be one of the
best Christmas presents ever.
You know, I know you a little, too,
and the only thing you like more
than escape rooms or murder mysteries
is this place.
So I thought I'd mash them up
and give you a little Christmas gumbo.
Hey, and you didn't even have
to go to Brooklyn for it.
Well, Brooklyn to me
is an escape room.
You hear that? He doesn't need angels.
Why did we even fly down here?
Ah, don't worry. We'll get our wings.
Come on, let's grab some booze
and sneak it back into heaven.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, guys, you forgot your weird
[ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS]
guitar.
I really must have hit my
head when I passed out.
♪