Night Court (2023) s03e08 Episode Script

1
♪
Hello. Welcome to night court.
What brings you in tonight?
My husband sold
my identity on the dark web.
Wonderful.
Upon exiting,
be sure to stop by our
customer satisfaction kiosk
and press the face button
that best represents your experience.
And remember, you're rating us,
not the sketch-bag you married.
Why does the city think we need those?
Are they worried people might take
their public urinations elsewhere?
And only three buttons?
I mean, I get you need happy, sad,
and whatever flat mouth is.
But where's conflicted, inspired,
wistful with a subtle tinge of regret?
Hmm
Here comes our first customer:
The People versus Pandora Findlay.
She is charged with
destruction of property.
In her latest stab
at TikTok immortality,
Miss Findlay attempted some
dirty dancing
in a local Tar-zhay.
But when she tried to lift
the mannequin above her head,
she dropped Plastic Swayze
onto an old woman
who did not have the time of her life.
That movie is so hot.
You come for the Swayze,
but, mm, you stay for the Orbach.
Your honor, this is nothing
but a childish indiscretion.
I believe Homer said, "In youth
and beauty, wisdom is rare."
Who cares what Bart Simpson's dad said?
This went viral.
You know what? Maybe it's best to let
the lawyer do the lawyering.
You wouldn't make it in jail.
They take your phone.
Only if they can find it.
Judge, can I have a lawyer
who gets what I'm about?
Oh, yes.
Oh, who could possibly
understand the vast uniqueness
that is you, Pandora?
Perhaps we should find one
of your wholly original
contemporaries named
Paxton or Astrid to advocate for you.
Or maybe you could back off
and let me do my job!
I have socks older than you.
Astrid. Can you believe this guy?
Is there a button on there
that makes it clear
that those are for Dan?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, Abby Stoners, it's your gavel girl.
Reminding you that a career
at night court can be fun,
rewarding, and you
probably won't get stabbed.
Sorry to interrupt your influencing,
but I just heard a juicy rumor.
Someone here has a crush on Wyatt.
Do they know
he still calls people "Playa"?
Ooh. Let's say who we
think it is on three.
One, two
BOTH: Gail, the new stenographer.
who's super horny.
Whenever I ask her
to read something back,
she always looks at him
and does it all breathy.
[BREATHY] "And that's when the
dog jumped out the window."
What up, playa?
We doing Gail impressions?
[BREATHY] "There was
blood everywhere."
That case was weirdly graphic
for a parking ticket.
Hey Gurgs, you're Chief Bailiff.
Can you authorize me
to check out a lie detector?
Sure, but don't make the mistake I did.
Clamps go on the fingers,
not the nipples.
Okay, so I'll wash
the clamps before I
put them on my daughter.
Her lying is getting out of control.
She's eight, but she lies
on a college level.
She almost convinced me she was adopted.
Hooking her up to a lie detector.
Maybe she should be adopted.
Oh my God. She got to you, too.
♪
Hello, Mr. Fielding! I'm Tad Greevy.
I'm head of the city's
Satisfaction Initiative.
We're the ones behind, uh,
these bad boys.
I posed for the buttons myself.
Does this look familiar?
That's yellow!
This is disinterested.
[LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY]
I'm here investigating a flurry
of negative feedback from last night.
The frowns were so concentrated,
we assumed that one
of the kiosks exploded.
That's only happened once.
Oh. Yeah. I hope there was
a functional kiosk nearby
so that you could tell how people
felt about the explosion.
You're being sarcastic, but there was.
Anyhoo, your client was not satisfied.
Do you often find it difficult
relating to people
who are younger than you?
No.
But I do find it difficult
relating to people
who are stupider than me.
Okay, I'm sensing some hostility.
But when one of our more, uh,
seasoned public defenders
is called "out of touch"
uhh we gotta make sure
he's up to the job.
- Uh-huh.
- You understand that
right, guy?
Uh. Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]
You know what I understand
is that Swift was correct
when he said, when a true genius appears
that all the dunces will form
a confederacy against him.
Oh, you're a Swiftie?
[LAUGHS] Jonathan Swift.
Her name is Taylor.
Oh, Wyatt.
I heard a rumor that you're
trying to frighten a child.
Just so you know, I'm available.
You're too excited
and therefore not allowed
to participate.
Well, I'm gonna do it anyway.
You know that those face
buttons actually do something?
Well, because of
that TikTok brat last night,
I've got some City Hall stooge
complaining
that I can't relate to young people.
You're all young.
You relate to me just fine.
- Absolutely.
- Heck, yeah.
My man.
Oh, please. [CHUCKLES] You're all lying.
They don't understand half
of what comes out of your mouth.
That's not true.
Dan and I are completely in sync.
As long as he doesn't talk Irish poets
or start ranking the Apollo missions.
Excuse me.
If you didn't understand my
references, why not just tell me?
Because it's easier to just
nod, squint your eyes,
and pretend you vaguely remember
some obscure jazz man
you've never heard of.
But, Dan, we love
that you're from the past.
- Ugh!
- It's like being friends
with a museum that comes alive at night.
That was a movie, actually three.
Yes, and yet they only managed to make
"On the Waterfront" once.
My man.
That's it! I don't want any more
special treatment just
because of my age.
So no more senior discount
at the coffee bar?
All right. Fine, fine.
I've never said this in my life, but
charge me full price!
[CROWD GASPS]
[WOMAN FALLS]
That wasn't my fault.
Nobody push a button.
♪
New crush theory:
It's Cathy, the security guard.
Wyatt doesn't need
a pat down every time,
you thirsty tramp.
[BREATHY] I still think it's
[INHALES SHARPLY] Gail.
Care to make it interesting?
Okay, If I'm right, you have to be
my tag-team partner in wrestling class,
and I will turn on you, because
that's what the crowd wants.
Well, when I'm right,
you have to come with me
to trivia night.
And our team name is
"ABSolutely GURGSulous."
I hate trivia. Like, I don't know where
Scooby-Doo went to college.
That's none of my business.
You might want to study
up on your Scooby,
because when you lose this bet,
you're going to be like, "Ruh-Roh."
[VELCRO RIPPING]
Ruh-Roh.
Now that I'm seeing the
eight-year-old strapped
to the lie detector,
I feel like I should have
pushed back harder on this idea.
I'm just showing my daughter
some of the cool equipment here
and how there's no escape from it.
Nice to meet you.
[MACHINE BEEPING]
My feelings are hurt, but at
least we know the machine works.
We'll be out of your way in a minute.
I'm just gonna ask a few questions.
The lies stop now.
Whoops.
Did you see where I left
my pad with my questions?
Probably in the bathroom
where you were practicing
your "tough guy" voice.
[LAUGHING] She's telling the truth.
I'm going to go track down my questions.
PRO TIP: If she's complimenting
you, you've already lost.
Hey. Watch this!
I didn't go through your desk.
[MACHINE BEEPING]
We should ask her about the crush.
Are we talking about how someone here
has a crush on my dad?
- You know about that?
- Yes.
- And do you know who it is?
- Yes.
Would you tell me who it is
if I gave you some jellybeans?
Deal.
[CHUCKLES] Hold on.
I'm just waiting for the needle to move.
It's not moving.
Dad said one of his friends
from work has a crush on him.
You're the only one he
talks about. So it must be you.
Oh, he don't talk about me?
Right. Could be you.
That's better.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Wait. What?
♪
Uh, black coffee. Full price.
Mobile order for Tad. Oh! Hey, champ.
Ordering with your mouth,
I see. That's old school.
[LAUGHS] Right. You know what? No.
You know what? Check that.
I'm going to have whatever
my young friend is having.
Well, you are in for a tasty treat.
This is a peppermint
pumpkin latte, Tad style.
One pump of pep. Two pumps of pump.
And don't skimp on the whip.
Tremendous. I love the dueling flavors
of toothpaste and squash.
No, no, no, no.
Who is this distinguished
teenager with back problems?
L-O-L, 'cause that's what I say now.
You know what keeps me so young, Dan?
I figured it was a potion
you whipped up
with the rest of your coven.
I'm up for anything. [INHALES DEEPLY]
No, I do something new every day.
Well, not every day.
I once lost a whole week
when I took a pill
I found in the subway, but
damn it, I am gonna live until I die.
- I'm up for things.
- [SCOFFS, SNORTS]
All right. Go, test me.
Okay, so hypothetically,
if I said let's
get out of the city this weekend
and go plum picking.
Fight traffic on my day
off to gather a ton of fruit
that I could have easily
gotten at the grocery store.
I wouldn't miss it.
If I had a pit bull
and asked you to watch him?
And before you answer, know that
he has to sleep in your bed.
I could only hope that
he would lick my face all night,
because I believe
that dogs are capable of love
and wouldn't eat me
if things came to that.
There's a music festival
tomorrow outside in the park.
I just hope it's really hot.
You know, I forget
wh-where where do you stand
on electronic dance music?
EDM? Oh, it's one of my favorites.
I just hope they play my favorite song:
"Boom, Boom, Wop, Wop."
Ah. You really are up
for anything, you know.
And that's good
because that last one was real.
So you owe me $170 for the ticket,
and I'll see you tomorrow in Flushing.
Can I just have
the pit bull eat my face?
This is crazy.
Wyatt's not even my type.
He doesn't look anything
like Jerry Orbach.
I don't have a crush on him either.
I'm taking a break from romance
since I dumped the Duke.
Got real messy. Even the royal guard
that brought back my underwear
was crying.
I can't believe Wyatt thinks
we have a crush on him.
I mean, do other people think that?
Are other people betting on us?
[GASPS] Are we the Gail?
Well, I don't mind judging others,
but I don't like it turned around on me.
How could anyone think
I have a crush on Wyatt?
I mean, you I get. You're always
complimenting his clothes.
I wear the same thing every day.
I'm jealous of anyone who doesn't.
- You never compliment my clothes.
- Be serious, Abby.
Besides, you're the one always
laughing at his dumb jokes.
That doesn't mean anything.
I laugh at Beaker from the Muppets.
I don't have a crush on him
anymore.
Okay? It was one sex dream,
but I had a lot of pie before bed.
You know what?
I'm changing my bet to you.
Because your eyes are
always on his butt.
I'm down here. I can't help it.
All I see are butts. Butts are my faces!
♪
♪
There he is, my colleague
you claim to have no feelings for.
Double or nothing, you can't help
but compliment his outfit.
We can't double our bet.
What are you gonna do?
Run two trivia teams?
I could run as many teams
as I have names for,
and I'm up to eight.
- Hey, guys.
- I hate your sweater.
It's ugly and dumb and-and I don't find
the pattern bold or surprising.
Should I take it off?
No. We hate your body.
Especially the parts you can
bounce quarters off of.
Oh, Julianne brought her dad.
Oh, my God, it's Dan.
Hi, Dan from 20 years in the future.
What are you here to warn us about?
She dragged me to a music festival!
Why are you yelling?
We were a little close to the speakers.
So now he's deaf.
[SHOUTING] I'm a little deaf!
I slipped on some mud,
inadvertently started a mosh pit.
Oh, yeah. He got moshed real good.
Hence the cane and this lovely ensemble
from the Lost and Found collection.
Found this in the lost and found!
Those punks are lucky that
Skrillex intervened when he did!
Or they'd be tripping balls
in hell right now!
Hello again, Mr. Fielding.
Oh, who's that? Oh.
Oh, no. He doesn't remember who I am.
He's lucky to have you.
What are you doing here, Tad?
Well, I told my boss
about our little gab sesh
and how you were cranky and confused,
and she suggested that I give
you a full performance review.
So I'm here to watch
the mighty silverback
in his natural habitat.
Is a performance review
really necessary?
He's an amazing lawyer who can
feel the weather in his bones.
What's younger than that?
A performance review is
really no biggie.
It just determines if you keep working
and if you get benefits.
And if you get invited
to Tad's big birthday brunch.
There are stairs.
I take it that's the guy
you don't want to seem old in front of?
Yeah, probably not the best time
to look like you're about
to give a fireside chat about polio.
Can we just do our jobs now?
You know, when I was
picking you up off the ground,
I found some pills.
You wanna take one and
just wake up when this is over?
Thank you. But no,
I had enough floor in my mouth
when those kids were dancing on me.
Let's just hope that the next
defendant is someone young
so I can show Tad how good I can relate.
The people versus Winston Cradley.
Dagnabbit!
Uh, I mean FML.
Mr. Bradley threatened
children with a rake
after their Frisbee landed
on his property.
My client did offer plenty of warnings.
What was the nature of these warnings?
[SHOUTING] Eh?
What did he say?
Oh, dear.
"Beat it, you young whippersnapper,"
"Get a job, hippie,"
and "Get off my lawn!"
It's like looking in a mirror.
No, it's not. I'm so much younger
I like young things.
Look [LAUGHS] like this toy.
[TOY FALLS] I like Oh.
Wyatt, maybe get that for Dan.
Oh, you'd like him to bend
over, wouldn't you, judge?
You getting this, Gail?
No. I can do things, for
God's Ow! Oh! Jeez.
Been there, Bro.
I want it on record
that I met Skrillex today.
Okay.
There's only one logical way to settle
which of us has a crush on Wyatt.
I hope you're ready to wear this
and explain why it's super
clever to confused strangers.
Well, I hope you're ready to wear this,
because on our tag team, I'm the face.
All right, let's ask
some baseline questions.
Is your name Abby Stone?
Yes. Is your name Donna Gurganous?
No.
But if I told you my real name,
it would blow your mind.
All right. Looks like
we've got our baseline.
Did you ever have sex with Jake in here?
Um, okay.
Yes, but I work at night,
and that's when sex happens.
Okay. We're doing this?
Did you really miss my Friendsgiving
'cause your Aunt Terri was sick?
Yes. She was sick [MACHINE BEEPING]
of not being in Atlantic City.
We had odd numbers
for charades because of you.
Well, you would have lost anyway.
You always mouth the answers.
No, I don't. [MACHINE BEEPING]
Okay, fine. Well, you know what?
You over-sing at karaoke.
Oh, you do a lot of white rap,
and it makes me uncomfortable.
Yeah, well, your choice of
deep cuts alienates the crowd.
[MACHINE BEEPING] I'm lying.
The crowd loves it, and I'm jealous.
All right, now let's ask
the real question.
Do you have a crush on Wyatt?
No. Do you have a crush on Wyatt?
No.
All right. It's official.
Nobody here likes Wyatt.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Oh. Hey, buddy.
Girl, I know you
had something to do with this.
I just told them the truth.
You said a friend at work
has a crush on you.
Whaaat?
Don't listen to her. Uh, she's a liar.
Okay. Yes.
I totally said someone had a
crush on me, but it's not true.
I knew your mom
was listening to us on FaceTime,
and I wanted her to be jealous
because I'm a petty man!
Wow, Dad Wow.
Lying doesn't seem
so cool now, does it, Megan?
There's nothing cool about any of this.
Well, I don't care what you guys think.
I know I'm cool. [MACHINE BEEPING]
It's a shame no one won the bet.
I'd make a pretty intimidating
tag team partner.
[MACHINE BEEPING]
How does it know I'm lying?
I'm not even hooked up to the machine.
♪
Hi, Mr. Fielding, I'm just finishing up
your performance review.
I just gotta dot the i's
and cross the t's
and circle your last day
on the calendar.
Uh, actually, Tad, we're here
to give you a performance review.
You're young,
so please explain this to me.
With all of humanity's
greatest art and culture
at your fingertips,
why do you spend
so much time watching this?
I believe it's called
"Dancing Grannies."
Oh, yeah. I love those vids. So funny.
Is it all dancing you find funny?
Because we looked through your
likes and [STAMMERS]
it's mostly grannies.
And it's not just grannies dancing,
it's grannies falling down
and some grannies being scared
by Halloween decorations
that turn out to be people.
I think you might be ageist.
No, I'm not ageist.
I just think it's funny
when you people dance.
[BOTH] You people?
Okay, that was a slip.
But I-I-I love the elderly.
I'm the grandson of two memaws
and a pop-pop.
So you can't be ageist
because you have old friends.
Tad, Tad, Tad.
When I hear things like that,
I don't feel
Oh, Julianne, what's the word?
Satisfied?
No, don't do anything crazy.
I've never been red button-ed before.
Those frowns go straight to the mayor.
Okay. Wait. Just listen up.
My generation went to the moon.
We invented the computer
and the cell phone.
We were the Beatles
and David Foster Wallace and
Margaret Atwood and Viagra
and the hula hoop.
And I have earned the right
to identify with you
as little as I want.
Forget the review.
You can have your job.
Just keep me green.
I'll do whatever you want.
We want you to dance, Tad.
Thank you for doing this, Julianne.
You know me. I'm up for anything.
Also, I took one of those pills I found,
so you might have to carry me home.
Tad, that's not dancing.
Don't skip the whip.
You guys are so mean.
I wish you were my Peloton instructor.
I'm a good rapper.
[MACHINE BEEPING] Damn it!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Good news. Tad had a change of heart.
Seems like I'm qualified
to keep my job as a free lawyer.
Why did you let that guy get to you?
You never care what people think.
No, I didn't care what Tad thinks.
Care what you think.
Hearing that you guys
are just humoring me,
that you think of me as the old man,
that hurt a little.
You don't know what it's like,
but you will.
No wise man ever wished to be younger.
Jonathan Swift reference?
I didn't know you were a Swiftie.
[CHUCKLES]
I Google all the old-timey crap you say.
It's led to a lot of targeted
ads for reverse mortgages
and a device that helps
you put on your socks.
I have that. It's good.
I want to be just like you
when I grow up.
Uh-huh. Well, I want to be just like you
if I grow down.
Oh, you want to see a video
of Tad dancing?
Also happens to be a video
of Tad crying.