Nightcap (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

Out of the Box

1 A Pop original.
[energetic brass music] There.
Perfect.
See, this is what we're all about.
Being incredibly uncomfortable? Teamwork.
That was my first day of "Nightcap.
" And now we're upgraded to this great new studio.
Do not get too excited.
The only reason we're here is because the network just canceled their reboot of "Charles in Charge.
" Yeah, it wasn't as good as the original.
Well, there's nothing funny about Charles being "in charge" of the U.
S.
Border Patrol.
Well, I'm just glad that we're out of the old studio.
The air is so much cleaner here without all the black mold.
Oh, my God.
My skin finally feels like skin.
- [phone chimes] - Oh, hey.
We've got to get to the morning meeting.
Let's go.
Look what I found in one of the closets.
This is an actual Border Patrol uniform worn by Scott Baio.
And I found his capture net.
Uh-oh, I gotcha.
Looks like Charles is in charge.
Phil, we're late for a meeting.
I'll take you.
[energetic brass music] From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy!" Tonight: she's not just a good wife, she's a good person, Julianna Margulies.
He opens packages for a living, YouTube Unboxing Star, Luke Fisher.
Professional joke teller, comedian Rojo Perez.
And now, number five in the ratings but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy! Marcus, Malik, Todd Charles.
- Hi.
Hi.
Who are you? - Staci.
- Yeah.
- Davis Maxfield.
- I'm here for my first day.
- Your first day? - Davis Maxfield.
- Mm-mm.
- From the conference call.
- Nope.
- The network sent me.
- Oh, my God, Davis.
- Yes.
- Oh, you're here.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's so funny.
I thought you were just gonna send a few thoughts on the email.
Burbank thought it would help if I came to the show as the on-site talent producer.
I'm the talent producer.
Additional talent producer.
Burbank didn't say anything to me about this.
- Recent changes to the plan.
- Yes.
You know networks, always pivoting.
- I do I do know networks, - You must be Penny.
I am.
Welcome aboard.
This is an amazing place to work.
I love your enthusiasm.
I love your hand.
Sit down, Penny.
You can let go of his hand, Penny.
Yo, Staci, Davis is gonna fit right in.
Dude can bench 275.
Ooh.
How long are you planning on staying? No real set time line.
Just as long as necessary.
Oh, "necessary.
" Well, we welcome your input, Davis.
Glad you're here to help.
Well, we don't need any help.
Actually, I was told when I took the "Nightcap" publicist job that there would be changes.
Changes? Well, I'm just glad there's finally a black person on staff.
Oh, sorry.
And an Asian lady.
I'm very woke.
I'm sorry, who are you? Olivia, the new social media coordinator.
I don't know what that is.
Olivia's fantastic.
She's an expert on all social media platforms and internet trends.
I bring her with me to all the shows I overhaul.
Overhaul? Davis, I just followed you on Instagram.
Nice profile pic.
Thank you, Marcus.
Following you back.
Thanks for the follow.
Just followed you, Marcus.
Hey, girl, following you back.
Now following Penny and Malik.
Oh, following you.
Following you back, Olivia.
I I have this awesome Instagram account.
It's super hilarious.
You should check it out.
Um anyway, I I usually sit here, so if you want to grab a chair and hit that corner Oh, I prefer to stand; it's much better for productivity.
I prefer to stand, because it's much better for productivity.
We have a great show tonight.
Julianna Margulies is back.
Yes, we also have comedian Rojo Perez and the amazing YouTube Unboxer, Luke Fisher.
Davis, anything you want to add? I don't think there's anything to add.
Isn't that why he's here? It's all good.
Sounds like a nice show.
Yo, Davis, you want me to show you the rest of the new studio, man? That would be wonderful.
Let's all do it.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Let's all go show Davis the new studio.
Oh, my God, Davis.
Lady Gaga follows you? Please tell me you're friends.
I consulted on her last tour.
She's wonderful.
Ohh That means I'm one Instagram degree from Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga follows everybody.
- No, she doesn't.
- Yes, she does.
- No, she doesn't.
- Yes, she does.
- Uh, shickaba.
- Oh.
[sighs] I don't know about this Davis guy.
Why? He seems nice.
But I've seen this before, Penny; he's gonna replace me.
No, Staci, didn't you hear him? He said he's the additional talent producer.
Well, you know what? My college boyfriend got an "additional" girlfriend.
- What happened? - Well, we he had a twin bed, so I had to go make snacks.
Hey, don't worry.
This show would fall apart without you.
Everyone knows that.
Just do me a favor.
Promise me you're not gonna fall for his lame-ass lucky corporate charms.
I promise you.
I am loyal to you and only you.
[phone chimes] Let me guess, you're one Instagram degree away from Lady Gaga.
How cool is that? [energetic brass music] Anyway, I was so sad when "The Good Wife" ended, but I was so happy to finally get you on "Nightcap.
" I love all the white, and you brought you own furniture - and flowers and - Yeah, of course.
- Oh.
- Just makes me feel comfortable and Yeah, well, and it smells like orchids.
Oh, so anyway, Julianna, we're gonna Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, not carnations, seriously.
Naturally, you're our first guest, so right after Jimmy does his salute to the troops, I'll bring you in.
I didn't realize that Jimmy was so supportive of the military.
Oh, he's not at all.
We just need a little bump from the red states, so - Solid plan.
- Yep, and then we're gonna show your clip from your ocean detective movie, which is Jeez, it's just you and dolphins.
It's amazing.
You know, dolphins are amazing creatures.
Oh, the best, my favorite.
I always ask for dolphin-safe tuna when I go to Subway.
Well, do you know that they have distinctive personalities? And they have a true sense of self.
- Wow.
- Oh, and they're They're hyper sexual.
Like like, have sex with them? Um, whew, well, if that's what you're into, I Oh, God, no.
I'm not into it.
I mean, whatever.
Listen, I don't judge.
I don't judge.
No, no, there's nothing to judge.
Look, everyone has to get off any way they can, right? - Oh, no, no, no.
- So anyway - I'm not getting off.
- I'm the first guest, and then you will show a clip of my movie.
- Yes.
- Great.
Yes.
Oh, my goodness.
White M&M'S.
- They're so pretty.
- [chuckles] Oh, my goodness.
We're we're painting.
Oh, Marco's the best.
- Oh.
- He's awesome.
Oh, my gosh, and it's white.
Look at that.
Okay, I'm gonna let you get settled in.
And I'll come get you in a few.
Marco, do you have anything whiter? That's not snowcap.
I like snowcap; I like it to be white, white, white.
- Oh.
- Staci, how's Julianna? Well, she thinks I want to have sex with a dolphin.
Well, it's who are you? - Who now? - There are two of you? There seems to be.
How long has this been happening? Roughly 36 years.
How long have you been working here? I've always worked here.
- Did you know about this? - Of course.
Am I high? Early onset Alzheimer's is treatable.
I'm sure your physician could recommend a clinical trial.
Do you want me to sign you up for a trial, Stace? Yeah, I think I think that would be best.
Staci and Penny, I'd like to introduce you to Luke Fisher, the YouTube unboxing star.
- Hi.
- Thanks for having me.
I am a huge fan.
When you unboxed those hypoallergenic vacuum filters last week, I was on the edge of my seat.
Thanks.
I love what I do.
Unpacking boxes so the audience can see what's inside? Oh, no, Staci, there's so much more to it than that.
No, there isn't.
You know, why don't you head back to your dressing room? - I'll catch up with you in a bit.
- Sounds good.
Hey, is it cool if I use these to rehearse? Of course.
Go crazy.
Spoiler alert: they're full of cereal.
You know, I wanted us to get on the same page regarding the guest order for the show.
I need to make a switch.
No, listen, I completely agree with you, okay? I don't want the unboxer to go second either, but he can't go last, because Jimmy loves comedians, and he likes them to go last so he can power nap through their set.
Uh, Luke should be the first guest.
Julianna Margulies is the first guest.
She should be the second guest.
Julianna Margulies is a huge star.
She's going first.
Okay, I have nothing against Miss Margulies, but Luke has a much higher Infinity Rating than Miss Margulies I'm [laughs] I'm sorry.
Infinity Rating? I sometimes forget it's not a standard industry term.
Are you familiar with celebrity Q Scores? - Yes.
- Okay.
The Infinity Rating System is the next level.
It aggregates box office receipts, TV ratings, social media engagement, and other viable statistics into a proprietary mathematical algorithm to determine the influence of a celebrity.
Yeah, well, math is very overrated.
No, it's an indispensible tool used by top entertainment executives.
- Oh, that's amazing.
- [raspberries] - Can we use it? - Sorry, no.
To gain access, you must be a member of the Infinity Organization.
It's very expensive, and you must rise to Platinum Level for that privilege.
Uh-huh, like Scientology.
Well, it was founded by two former members of the church who were excommunicated for criticizing John Travolta's performance in "Battlefield Earth.
" Listen to me.
Davis, Julianna Margulies is going first, not after some idiot who unpacks boxes in his mother's basement.
Your opposition is duly noted.
But Burbank agrees with my position.
Luke will be going on first.
Stupid Win-finity bullshit.
- Oh, it's the In - Gah-gah! [energetic brass music] Why are you standing here? Oh, Julianna's glam squad is gonna be here any minute.
What's so great about her glam squad? Their work is sickening, and everyone in the industry knows it.
There are like a choreographed symphony of beautification.
Well, what are you gonna say to the glam squad when they get here? Oh, nothing.
You don't speak to a celebrity glam squad until a celebrity glam squad has spoken to you.
Yeah, that's how I felt when Daniel Craig was at the show.
- Daniel Craig? - Yeah, 'cause he's James Bond.
- Yeah.
- And I'm security.
Yeah.
There's a special connection there.
I wouldn't expect you to get it.
[elevator dings] Here they come.
[gasps] Louis Mackie, hair.
Jessie Justin, nails.
Gina Morgan, makeup.
And the Eric Von Rone, celebrity stylist.
Unbelievable.
You Phil Miller? Maybe.
You're in charge of this.
What do I do with it? This if for Margulies.
Protect it.
I'm down a man today, and your supervisor said that you would assist me.
Me? I are you sure? I'll retrieve its contents before showtime.
Well, this is exciting.
No, it's not.
It's a responsibility.
I'm very bad at responsibility.
Yeah.
[energetic brass music] Look at that, Rojo, so perfect, so amazing.
It's, like, iconic.
I hear that.
Julianna's the best.
No, not Julianna, man, her team.
- Okay.
- You see that thing that he's doing with his brush, the, like, downward and then the [whooshes] I I guess.
That is the Swish Le Dipsy.
It was developed in the mid-'80s in a Paris hair salon.
And it is the true mark of a highly trained professional.
Uh, I think I might be good.
Yeah, yeah, you're good.
Stop drooling, Marcus.
Hi.
Oh, my gosh, so, so, so, so, pretty.
And it's almost showtime.
And I have some great news.
What? More details about your animal sex fetish? No, I don't I don't fuck animals.
No, it's you know, we talked about you being the first guest.
Well, you are now gonna be the second guest.
Are you trying to downgrade me? No, no, no, it's not a downgrade.
It's an upgrade, because we you have to think about it like Vegas, where there's Do you think I'm stupid, dolphin fucker? No, I no, I just wanted to see if maybe we could Are you trying to make me your little bitch? Oh, no, no, no.
I would never make you a bitch.
I don't want a bitch, a little bitch, a medium bitch Okay, does this conversation need to continue? Because if it does, it won't end well for you.
No.
You're the first guest.
Right.
Well, I'm gonna need you to blood swear.
It what? [gasps] What? - Blood swear, dolphin fucker.
- Oh, my God.
Ahh! Oh, my God.
- Blood swear.
- Blood swear.
Blood swear.
Blood swear.
Oh, my God.
There's so much blood.
Don't drip on the M&M'S.
[energetic brass music] [energetic brass music] [light quirky music] Those are gonna kill you.
Oh, God, Mehmet, not today.
I just don't want you to die, Staci.
From electronic cigarettes? They explode in your mouth.
You know what? Would it really be so bad if I died? What's going down? You know, the network hired this new guy to come and uplift the talent department.
Well, maybe they have some good ideas.
He doesn't have any good ideas.
Are you threatened by them? No.
Maybe.
I just It this is a a perfect example of people who have no idea how the show is run telling me how to produce it.
Maybe this person has some good ideas.
He wants to put a YouTube schmuck before Julianna Margulies.
Ohh, I love her skin, great actress.
I hear a pristine colon.
I heard the same.
Anyway, I tried to get her to go second.
She cut me.
Ooh, yeah, you don't mess with her.
Ooh.
- You know, I I also have a pristine colon.
Doubt it.
Listen, as I see it, you've got two problems.
Problem number one, you've got to get a long with a new team member.
And number two? You don't want her cutting your skinny ass.
Oh, you think I'm skinny.
Staci, Staci, in order to deal with her problem, you've got to use your team, your entire team.
Every individual person has some idea they can contribute, and your job as a leader is to harvest the best ones and make a solution happen.
You know, I have I have assembled a pretty great team.
[loud clattering] Not my hire.
[energetic brass music] You wanted to see me.
Really hoping you solved this Julianna Margulies thing.
- Not yet.
- Staci, the unboxer has to go on first.
Our younger viewers are gonna love him.
He's a Super X-Y Brand.
That's an Infinity term.
We all need to get on the same page.
Burbank and I are on one page, and you're not even reading the same book.
Just go tell her.
Oh, I did tell her, okay? It's like a scene from "Psycho" in there.
Okay, fine.
I'll do it.
Super.
It's the last dressing room at the end of the hall.
[light quirky music] [knocking at door] [door opening and closing] [clattering] [muffled] Oh, my God.
[door opening] Holy shit.
- She threw a switchblade at me.
- Yeah.
Welcome to producing talent on "Nightcap," Mr.
Burbank.
Her hands were so quick, like a raven-haired ninja.
Okay, well, how are we gonna tell Jack the Ripper she's going on second? Well, her S-Sector score is through the roof.
I don't know what that means.
It means she loves to feel special.
Okay, well, welcome to being a woman.
But she's off the charts in that category, almost double the next person on the list.
Who's the next person on the list? Kanye West.
I have an idea.
What if going on second meant you could have some kind of special entrance? What do you mean? Oh.
Ho-ho-ho-ho.
Blood sister.
Pinkie swear.
I have got this.
[energetic brass music] I'll take the briefcase now.
Oh, finally.
Might I suggest using a handcuff with a fabric inner lining? It prevents chafing.
Wait.
Don't you want whatever's inside of there? There's nothing inside there.
Nothing? Then why did you have me guard it all day? It's well-known throughout the private security industry that you cause more harm than good when left to your own devices.
What do you mean by that? I needed you occupied so I could properly protect Miss Margulies.
Hold on just a second.
You wasted my entire day guarding an empty briefcase? Yes, but it was a job well done.
It was a job well done? Yes, Miss Margulies and I thank you for your service.
[chuckles] You're welcome.
And you're welcome, Miss Margulies.
[chuckles] I'm happy to be a part of the team.
Hats off to you, Staci.
This is a - wonderful idea.
- Thank you, Davis.
It's brilliant, just brilliant.
Are you ready to unbox me? - I'm ready.
- Staci, this is awesome.
Thank you.
This is exactly the kind of entrance I deserve.
- Oh, and by the way - Yeah.
If you're still into the dolphin fucking, I know a lot of ex-cons down in St Barts that can totally make that happen for you.
Okay, I don't fuck dolphins.
- Honey - Okay, hook me up.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at this.
Look at this.
- Ahh.
- Good luck, Julianna.
Pretty and funny.
Pretty and funny.
Oh, Davis, this is teamwork.
I'm glad I used the Infinity System to bring the show to the next level.
Oh where's that switchblade? I'm just waiting to follow you.
- Can I? - Of course, Penny.
You remembered to put airholes in that box, right? Oh, shit.
- Unbox her! - Unbox her! - Unbox her! - It's not safe! Unbox her! [energetic brass music] Sweetie, can you please hand me that brush on the makeup table? Me? Uh of course.
Hmm, excellent technique.
I thank you.
I thank you.
Hey, kid.
Catch.
You'll need it when you get called up to the big leagues.
Really? Your time will come soon.