No Activity (2015) s01e05 Episode Script
The American
You comfortable? Are you.
.
are you too hot or too cold or? Any coffee? Or you want some more coffee or anything? Because there's a place just up the road.
I can go get it.
What are you asking me right now? Uh, just do you feel okay? You feel you're comfortable? Everything okay.
Just making chit-chat.
Are you okay? Do you feel comfortable? Yeah, I'm very, very comfortable.
So let's just both assume the other man is okay and comfortable.
Sure.
Just just just You know, I've never had an American policeman, uh, here.
So it's it's a little exciting to have you here.
Welcome! Car 72, please report.
Car 72.
Uh, yes, uh, Car 72.
That's no activity from Detective Hendy and Uh, Special Agent Special Agent? Or is it? Uh, Agent Cutler from Is it the D DEA? Drug The American from America.
You know who he is.
No activity.
Operation Big Red.
Confirming the amphetamines within the coffee crates were moved overnight to the warehouse location, uh, suspected of being a distribution centre.
So do you, uh You flew over business or economy? Or coach? From the States of America? You know, on those long-haul flights, they put a very mild constipating agent in the food, you know, just just to It reduces bowel movements.
It's called corking the food.
You cork the chicken pasta and cork the 'Cause otherwise, you've got 300 people at 40,000 feet You know, think about it.
It's gonna become a real poo-fest.
And, uh, you know, then you've got 'Turds on a Plane', starring Samuel L.
Jackson.
It's not because you're black.
That was not It's just because he's the star of the movie.
He's he's Sorry, and I know you have to be very sensitive about that thing in your country because you shoot the black you shoot the people.
You shoot people of various, um, ethnic All sorts.
All sorts.
Sorry, I'm just I'm rambling because my partner shot someone.
He's in counselling because he shot a black a person Can we be in silence for just a moment? - Is that okay? Thank you.
- Yes.
So do I do I just start talking or? Well, if you could just, uh, tell me about the night of the shooting in your own words.
Ah, the shooting.
Well, okay.
Just to go back, to put it into context, all right? Hendy and I, uh, uh Well, actually, go back another step.
I'd left home in the morning.
Um, my wife, Wendy, uh, was I was a bit late out the door because she was in one of her moods.
She gets a Well, she's kind of clinically depressed, but, um, she has been ever since her husband No no one probably Anyway, she was married to a pilot, uh, Charles.
And, um, he suffered a rather unfortunate accident with a with a cargo door.
Actually, I won't go into the details.
It's He lost his head.
It came, like It just as he was going by Apparently, he was reaching in for some hand luggage.
Anyway, it wasn't his.
Doesn't matter.
Hendy and I had to go around and give her the news about her husband, and she was distraught, quite naturally.
So, uh He was a very handsome man.
And he had this, um like, this hat.
He would wear his hat on a jaunty angle and I understand her grief, is all I'm trying to say.
And we struck up a little thing.
And one day, she just threw herself at me.
Like, out of grief, she just came at me like some nympho octopus, just legs all over the place.
It was amazing, but she was quite ashamed afterwards.
Do you think we could just get back to the night of the shooting? Ah, the shooting, yes! What do you want to know about that? Hey, mate, have you thought any more about maybe coming down the coast with me? You know, I'll look after you.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, don't worry, all right? We'll be all right.
I promise.
I got rid of him clean, mate.
No one's gonna As long as we keep our mouths shut, we'll be fine.
Should I teach you something while we're here? Yeah.
You just got a little bit of blood there.
This is a little app I picked up.
That one down there, that's your C4.
Most blokes, if they're gonna take a head off, they'll just drive an axe between the C4 or C5.
They're gonna make a mess all over the place, right? You get shards of bone.
Mate, that is a forensic man's wet dream, right? Not me.
Have a look at this.
Or would you use a crowbar or, like, a hacksaw to get No! Amateur time, mate.
Amateur time.
No.
Piece of wood.
In fact, even better, a little bit of cloth around it, and just gently, ever-so-gently, until You'll feel it, you'll feel it, you'll feel it Straight off.
Clean as a whistle.
No shard.
No problem.
This is providing, of course, you've done all your nerve work, your muscle work around it.
- Which I generally do straightaway.
- Yeah, right.
You know, I probably I think about if Mum and Dad had probably paid more attention to me, I probably could've got a decent education.
I probably could've been a doctor, you know? You've got an incredible bedside manner.
Very steady hand.
A keen eye.
I love the idea of helping people.
Just making them feel better, you know? You are helping people.
You're helping me.
And goodness knows Glen feels a lot better now wherever he is.
Right, in a thousand bits and pieces all over the place.
Exactly right.
Never-never land.
You know? Woop-woop.
Wonderworld.
Madagascar.
Madagascar's a real place.
Isn't it? In Africa.
Don't think so.
I think it's a cartoon.
- It's your first time here? - Yeah.
Have you seen much? I don't think there's much to see.
Come on! It's Australia.
I mean, I know a lot about Australia.
I could take you to the zoo.
Have you seen many marsupials? - We've got, uh, emu.
Platypus.
- Right.
When they first discovered the platypus, they thought it was a fake, a forgery.
I could take you to some kangaroos in the wild.
Yeah, I've seen "Crocodile Dundee".
I know what you guys have to offer.
I've seen it.
I love it.
I've seen your nature.
I've seen your people.
Well, if you've just seen the movie, that's "Crocodile Dundee", that's 30 years ago.
You know, we've done a come a long way since then.
You're telling me you've got something better than "Crocodile Dundee"? - Are you serious? - I'm dead serious.
I think it's insulting to be told that that's the best thing our country's done in 30 years.
- Name something better.
- I can name plenty of things.
- Name one.
- I can name lots of things.
- Then start naming them.
- I will.
- And I'll give you an honest take.
- Okay.
For one I don't know what "For One" is.
- No, I'm saying number one.
- "For One"? - Number one.
- 'Cause you took a pause.
Yeah, I'm thinking of the best thing.
'Cause I can say one without thinking.
"Crocodile motherfucking Dundee".
- The Sydney Olympics.
- No.
Everyone does an Olympics.
Every four years, it's different.
- We hosted those Olympics.
- Yeah, and we won those.
- We've hosted them in L.
A.
too.
- Ian Thorpe.
- Lleyton Hewitt.
Vegemite.
- No.
Eugh! No, no, no.
- Pavlova.
Great Barrier Reef.
- No.
No.
- Uluru.
Bondi.
- No.
No.
"Australia", the film.
"Crocodile Dundee II".
- You win.
- There you go.
- And that's all I'm saying.
- Yeah.
Okay.
No movement to or from the warehouse at this time.
Uh, let's stay alert, guys.
We know the target's good.
Just, uh just gotta wait.
- That is amazing.
- What is? Listen to this, "More fatalities occur" "from cyclones and hurricanes with female names" "than those with male names.
" It's like they don't take the you know, the female ones as a serious threat.
It's almost like, you know, "Oh! Cyclone Helen's on its way.
" "Oh! Oh, Helen might come over.
She might, you know" "She might mess up my hair.
It'd be nice to see her, but" Hurricane Rodney, he's like, "Right.
Rodney's on his way!" "He is angry! Everybody downstairs, now!" See, that is completely in the same vein as what happened with me and that man that I tasered to death.
Completely.
Sorry, hang on.
So this is related to that, is it? I think so, because I wasn't taken seriously as a female.
- I wanted to be taken seriously.
- Um, yep.
I'm pretty sure you're taken seriously now.
- Especially by all the men here.
- Okay.
"Don't park in April's spot.
" "Look, there she is, 'Crazy Tasey'.
" So it's, like, yeah, "'The Cock Taser'.
" I mean, I don't I don't condone it, but Pretty funny play on words.
Some of them.
Anyway, I thought that was an interesting article.
- What's up? - Forgot to feed the dog.
What dog? You don't have a dog.
- Haven't I told you about this? - Since when? Get a load of this.
- I'm down at Bunga'schop-shop, right? - Oh, yeah.
There's this dog hanging around.
He's looking for food scraps or something in the bins, you know? Beautiful-looking dog.
Weimaraner.
Gorgeous dog, right? I walk him home.
Number's on the collar.
Ring the number.
Family comes down.
Nice enough family, you know? Sweet-looking family, you know? Father's probably, I don't know, an accountant or something.
Two kids.
Nice young kids, you know? So they're pretty happy to see Brisket.
Brisket.
That was his name, right? This guy pulls out his wallet.
Hundred bucks.
I said, "No, please.
I don't want the hundred bucks.
" "You know, just trying to do the right thing here.
It's okay.
" He says, "I insist.
I want you to take the hundred bucks.
" It's a bit embarrassing.
So I look at the kids.
I say, "No, kids, you know, I didn't do this for a reward.
" "I did this because I feel that this is the right thing to do.
" "I wanna live in a world where people just do the right thing" "because they feel it's the right thing to do.
" Little sort of Martin Luther King type speech.
He's still waving the hundred in front of me.
You know? Almost insulting me.
I said, finally, "Okay, I'll take the hundred.
" "I feel bad about it, but I'll take the hundred.
" Off they go.
About a week later what do I see on this telegraph pole? - "Reward, dog lost" - Brisket.
Brisket.
- Brisket.
- Yeah, right.
You weren't gonna take the hundred.
That's not the point.
It's the principle.
I'm down 200 bucks.
So I go round to his place three nights later and I steal the fuckin' dog.
Did you want a dog? N No, not particularly.
But he's a beautiful dog.
I love him.
You know, your American films have got a lot to answer for, because, you know I mean, YOU know it's not like the movies.
It's a lot of this.
Lot of just sitting, waiting.
You know, just waiting.
If you knew why I was here, you wouldn't think this was boring.
- Why are you here? - Don't worry about it.
A Mexican drug cartel? Or a Colombian drug cartel? Just sniff if it's Mexican.
If it's Colombian, just do nothing.
- So it's Mexican? - I didn't say that.
- No, you didn't.
- No, I literally didn't.
- Okay, so it's Colombian? - I didn't say that.
No.
You didn't.
- What I'm telling you - Yeah.
.
.
is I didn't tell you anything.
No, you didn't, and that's what I'm saying.
- Mm-hm.
I know you didn't.
- Good.
- 'Cause you're acting like I did.
- No, I'm not.
If I was gonna tell anybody, I wouldn't tell you because I don't trust you with a secret 'cause I don't think you're smart enough to keep it.
That's right.
'Cause I'm not a police officer.
No, you are a police officer.
Or you're a detective.
Yes.
I think you're a real low-level detective.
And I don't think you could handle the kind of information that I have.
Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah.
Car 72, please report.
Yes, Car 72.
No activity.
No activity.
Copy that.
And we're gonna get pregnant, okay, right? And I just thought, "This is it.
Give her a child, make her happy.
" The next minute, before I know it, she's telling me about this pilot-semen bank.
I think, okay, this is our fourth time round now, and we're using a cup of her dead husband's semen.
- Right - Mmm.
I mean, is it wrong that I think it is okay to use a cup of another man's semen to impregnate my wife? What does it say about me? I mean, what kind of man am I, hmm? I mean, I would do that out of love, but I I I'm a man.
You know, my son's gonna be there looking at me with his same hairline as Charles and those fantastic teeth.
Just Is that part of me? But I'm okay.
Or am I? Hmm? Ha! That's what I'm saying.
I don't know if I'm okay with it.
But I'm gonna do it all the same, you know? We've just got a whole milk tray of cups lined up.
- Bang, bang, bang! - Mmm-hmm.
- Obviously, we're not gonna drink them.
- No, I know.
Sorry! It's just one of those magic memories, you know? Completely, yeah.
- What was his name? - James.
- Good name.
- 20.
Just got his licence.
- I can't believe I'm telling you this.
- Hmm! Anyway, he he came and picked me up in his car.
It was a classic EH Holden, you know.
And, um, we were driving around and Rod Stewart was playing on the radio.
Nice.
And then we went up to, um oh, yeah, up to Kissing Point.
Mmm! And, um, he was so nervous.
One thing led to another, and we, you know, we had intercourse.
He was so he was just, like, so thankful.
And then I I realised, you know, it was the first time he'd seen a woman's flesh.
Was he a virgin? Oh, wow! And, you know, I was sort of, like, "Wow.
A couple of hours ago, you were a virgin.
" "And now, you're you know, now you're a man.
" And I was there.
I was a part of that.
Like, I witnessed that.
I was Yeah.
So it'll always be a special memory.
- Just - Completely.
I wonder where James is now.
I'd say he'd probably still be at laser tag.
Sorry, so this was, like, recently? Two or three weeks ago.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
- I mean, he's not The One or anything.
- No.
I mean, he's at laser tag.
I think that says a lot.
Yeah.
But, yeah, special.
Car 72, please report.
Car 72, please report.
Uh, Car 72, no activity.
Thanks, April.
I met April.
You met April? - I met April when I first got in.
- Did you? Me, April and, uh, the older lady.
- Carol? - Carol.
They showed me to my actual hotel and we Yeah.
- And there at the bar, and Carol left.
- Ah.
And April and I I guess she gave me the official Australian, uh, greeting.
I fucked her.
Don't tell her that I told you.
- April? April? - April.
- In the bathroom.
Yeah.
- From Dispatch? - Blonde hair - Yeah.
She's, like, sucking my dick.
I'm like, "What the?" I go, "Honey, I'm gonna pop.
I'm gonna pop.
I'm gonna pop.
" - I'm not gonna lie - I'm gonna get some Chinese food.
You want some Chinese food? Do you want anything? - Sure.
- Yeah? What would you like? I don't care.
Some sort of chicken dish.
Not too spicy.
Okay.
Uh, I'll be back in a minute.
I'll just finish this story really fast.
And a beef in the black bean sauce, please.
- And, uh - Sichuan.
- Sichuan? - Sichuan.
- You want the beef? - Yeah.
And, uh, one serve of Sichuan beef.
Uh Oh, no, no.
Spicy.
No, no takeaway.
I can be pick up.
Thank you very much.
Mate, that's that's pretty racist, mate.
Why? I was I mean, I I mean, what do you mean? I order Indian, Thai, Italian You do all the accents? Well, it just makes it simple.
And to be honest, I think, you know, it's appreciated if .
.
gotta make a special effort.
I welcome all cultures.
What, by doing funny voices? You think that voice was funny? You're the racist.
- Can I take this? - Yeah.
See you in 10 minutes.
Don't don't do the accent when you go there, mate.
You're the racist, mate.
I am not.
Am I? Intelligence suggests that the big boss may arrive at the warehouse sometime in the next 48 hours.
Let's coordinate all units to converge here asap.
Basically, he pulled what you thought was a weapon and then you shot him, yeah? - Bingo.
- Terrif.
Okay.
I'll fill in all those other blanks later.
We should do more of this.
Fantastic, yeah.
Give us a cuddle.
Oh.
No, look, that's fine.
Um listen, about your, um I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think you might It might be a good idea for you to see a therapist or a counsellor or someone, you know? - But that's what you are.
- No, I'm not.
What are you? I'm from the courts.
- What? - I'm just a I'm a clerk from the courts.
I've got to file an independent report on the shooting.
That's why I'm here.
Oh, that's bloody lovely, isn't it? Ha! I've been sitting here just pouring all my shit out to you.
- And you were writing it down.
- No, I wasn't.
- Rub that shit out! - It won't go in the report.
I'm just doing a report on the shooting.
Everything about you says 'counsellor'.
What says 'counsellor' about me? Your demeanour.
Your The way you had me in the foetal position on the couch.
You put yourself in the foetal position.
- You gave me tissues.
- I never gave you tissues.
I am outraged over this, right? I haven't even told my partner any of this stuff.
You Shit.
Ah.
Uh Ah! Mate, you wouldn't happen to have 20 cents you could give me? - I'm I'm short by 20 cents.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's ridiculous.
- There's a dollar.
Keep the change.
Thank you very much.
Let me give you Give it as a tip.
Honestly.
- All right.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Thanks, Tony.
I'll just get this.
You getting away? Holiday or road trip or? - Oh, yeah.
Uh Road trip.
- Ah.
Yeah, with the old man.
We're heading up to Emerald, on the Sapphire Coast, just north of Woolgoolga.
- Oh, lovely.
- Yeah, well.
10 hours in the car with your old man's, you know - Sometimes, uh - Backseat driver? Well, front-seat driver.
He insists on driving.
Insists on talking every step of the way.
If I had a dollar for every kilometre of good advice I got from the old man, I'd be a multimillionaire.
Oh, mate, tell me about it.
I'm heading home.
Just been away with the wife and kids.
Oh, it's school holidays, isn't it? - Yeah, it is.
- Easter holidays.
Yeah, that's right.
We've gotta get the kids back to school.
And, um, oh, my God, it's just relentless.
You know, "Mehmehmehmeh," in the back.
And "Mehmehmehmeh! You missed the turn-off.
" You're just, "April, settle down.
Back off.
" - How many kids you got? - Two.
Twins.
Yeah.
- Eight years old.
- Yeah, right.
Jeff and Donna.
Older names, but they're family names.
Yeah, right, from the family.
And, you know, it's lovely and God bless family, but every now and then, it's all I can do to stop myself from swerving into oncoming traffic.
- You know? - I know.
If I had the freedom I had when I was single, you know? If I could bottle that.
I never knew what I had when I had it.
You don't know what you've got till it's gone.
That's true.
But family, you've gotta love 'em.
It's everything.
Family is everything.
I mean, was it Mother Teresa who said if you wanna work towards world peace, just go home and love your family.
- She said that? - Yeah.
She didn't have any kids.
No, no, she was a nun.
But she had, you know, her orphanage.
She saw a lot of That's why they called her Mother.
Like Michael Jackson.
The world's just kind of family.
Yeah, yeah, it wasn't a biological thing - Yeah, right.
- Is the point.
Xie xie.
Well, all the best with the old man.
Thanks for the, uh - Don't mention it.
- 20 cents.
- All the best.
- See you.
Thank you very much.
Is this the kung pao? Extra spicy?
.
are you too hot or too cold or? Any coffee? Or you want some more coffee or anything? Because there's a place just up the road.
I can go get it.
What are you asking me right now? Uh, just do you feel okay? You feel you're comfortable? Everything okay.
Just making chit-chat.
Are you okay? Do you feel comfortable? Yeah, I'm very, very comfortable.
So let's just both assume the other man is okay and comfortable.
Sure.
Just just just You know, I've never had an American policeman, uh, here.
So it's it's a little exciting to have you here.
Welcome! Car 72, please report.
Car 72.
Uh, yes, uh, Car 72.
That's no activity from Detective Hendy and Uh, Special Agent Special Agent? Or is it? Uh, Agent Cutler from Is it the D DEA? Drug The American from America.
You know who he is.
No activity.
Operation Big Red.
Confirming the amphetamines within the coffee crates were moved overnight to the warehouse location, uh, suspected of being a distribution centre.
So do you, uh You flew over business or economy? Or coach? From the States of America? You know, on those long-haul flights, they put a very mild constipating agent in the food, you know, just just to It reduces bowel movements.
It's called corking the food.
You cork the chicken pasta and cork the 'Cause otherwise, you've got 300 people at 40,000 feet You know, think about it.
It's gonna become a real poo-fest.
And, uh, you know, then you've got 'Turds on a Plane', starring Samuel L.
Jackson.
It's not because you're black.
That was not It's just because he's the star of the movie.
He's he's Sorry, and I know you have to be very sensitive about that thing in your country because you shoot the black you shoot the people.
You shoot people of various, um, ethnic All sorts.
All sorts.
Sorry, I'm just I'm rambling because my partner shot someone.
He's in counselling because he shot a black a person Can we be in silence for just a moment? - Is that okay? Thank you.
- Yes.
So do I do I just start talking or? Well, if you could just, uh, tell me about the night of the shooting in your own words.
Ah, the shooting.
Well, okay.
Just to go back, to put it into context, all right? Hendy and I, uh, uh Well, actually, go back another step.
I'd left home in the morning.
Um, my wife, Wendy, uh, was I was a bit late out the door because she was in one of her moods.
She gets a Well, she's kind of clinically depressed, but, um, she has been ever since her husband No no one probably Anyway, she was married to a pilot, uh, Charles.
And, um, he suffered a rather unfortunate accident with a with a cargo door.
Actually, I won't go into the details.
It's He lost his head.
It came, like It just as he was going by Apparently, he was reaching in for some hand luggage.
Anyway, it wasn't his.
Doesn't matter.
Hendy and I had to go around and give her the news about her husband, and she was distraught, quite naturally.
So, uh He was a very handsome man.
And he had this, um like, this hat.
He would wear his hat on a jaunty angle and I understand her grief, is all I'm trying to say.
And we struck up a little thing.
And one day, she just threw herself at me.
Like, out of grief, she just came at me like some nympho octopus, just legs all over the place.
It was amazing, but she was quite ashamed afterwards.
Do you think we could just get back to the night of the shooting? Ah, the shooting, yes! What do you want to know about that? Hey, mate, have you thought any more about maybe coming down the coast with me? You know, I'll look after you.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, don't worry, all right? We'll be all right.
I promise.
I got rid of him clean, mate.
No one's gonna As long as we keep our mouths shut, we'll be fine.
Should I teach you something while we're here? Yeah.
You just got a little bit of blood there.
This is a little app I picked up.
That one down there, that's your C4.
Most blokes, if they're gonna take a head off, they'll just drive an axe between the C4 or C5.
They're gonna make a mess all over the place, right? You get shards of bone.
Mate, that is a forensic man's wet dream, right? Not me.
Have a look at this.
Or would you use a crowbar or, like, a hacksaw to get No! Amateur time, mate.
Amateur time.
No.
Piece of wood.
In fact, even better, a little bit of cloth around it, and just gently, ever-so-gently, until You'll feel it, you'll feel it, you'll feel it Straight off.
Clean as a whistle.
No shard.
No problem.
This is providing, of course, you've done all your nerve work, your muscle work around it.
- Which I generally do straightaway.
- Yeah, right.
You know, I probably I think about if Mum and Dad had probably paid more attention to me, I probably could've got a decent education.
I probably could've been a doctor, you know? You've got an incredible bedside manner.
Very steady hand.
A keen eye.
I love the idea of helping people.
Just making them feel better, you know? You are helping people.
You're helping me.
And goodness knows Glen feels a lot better now wherever he is.
Right, in a thousand bits and pieces all over the place.
Exactly right.
Never-never land.
You know? Woop-woop.
Wonderworld.
Madagascar.
Madagascar's a real place.
Isn't it? In Africa.
Don't think so.
I think it's a cartoon.
- It's your first time here? - Yeah.
Have you seen much? I don't think there's much to see.
Come on! It's Australia.
I mean, I know a lot about Australia.
I could take you to the zoo.
Have you seen many marsupials? - We've got, uh, emu.
Platypus.
- Right.
When they first discovered the platypus, they thought it was a fake, a forgery.
I could take you to some kangaroos in the wild.
Yeah, I've seen "Crocodile Dundee".
I know what you guys have to offer.
I've seen it.
I love it.
I've seen your nature.
I've seen your people.
Well, if you've just seen the movie, that's "Crocodile Dundee", that's 30 years ago.
You know, we've done a come a long way since then.
You're telling me you've got something better than "Crocodile Dundee"? - Are you serious? - I'm dead serious.
I think it's insulting to be told that that's the best thing our country's done in 30 years.
- Name something better.
- I can name plenty of things.
- Name one.
- I can name lots of things.
- Then start naming them.
- I will.
- And I'll give you an honest take.
- Okay.
For one I don't know what "For One" is.
- No, I'm saying number one.
- "For One"? - Number one.
- 'Cause you took a pause.
Yeah, I'm thinking of the best thing.
'Cause I can say one without thinking.
"Crocodile motherfucking Dundee".
- The Sydney Olympics.
- No.
Everyone does an Olympics.
Every four years, it's different.
- We hosted those Olympics.
- Yeah, and we won those.
- We've hosted them in L.
A.
too.
- Ian Thorpe.
- Lleyton Hewitt.
Vegemite.
- No.
Eugh! No, no, no.
- Pavlova.
Great Barrier Reef.
- No.
No.
- Uluru.
Bondi.
- No.
No.
"Australia", the film.
"Crocodile Dundee II".
- You win.
- There you go.
- And that's all I'm saying.
- Yeah.
Okay.
No movement to or from the warehouse at this time.
Uh, let's stay alert, guys.
We know the target's good.
Just, uh just gotta wait.
- That is amazing.
- What is? Listen to this, "More fatalities occur" "from cyclones and hurricanes with female names" "than those with male names.
" It's like they don't take the you know, the female ones as a serious threat.
It's almost like, you know, "Oh! Cyclone Helen's on its way.
" "Oh! Oh, Helen might come over.
She might, you know" "She might mess up my hair.
It'd be nice to see her, but" Hurricane Rodney, he's like, "Right.
Rodney's on his way!" "He is angry! Everybody downstairs, now!" See, that is completely in the same vein as what happened with me and that man that I tasered to death.
Completely.
Sorry, hang on.
So this is related to that, is it? I think so, because I wasn't taken seriously as a female.
- I wanted to be taken seriously.
- Um, yep.
I'm pretty sure you're taken seriously now.
- Especially by all the men here.
- Okay.
"Don't park in April's spot.
" "Look, there she is, 'Crazy Tasey'.
" So it's, like, yeah, "'The Cock Taser'.
" I mean, I don't I don't condone it, but Pretty funny play on words.
Some of them.
Anyway, I thought that was an interesting article.
- What's up? - Forgot to feed the dog.
What dog? You don't have a dog.
- Haven't I told you about this? - Since when? Get a load of this.
- I'm down at Bunga'schop-shop, right? - Oh, yeah.
There's this dog hanging around.
He's looking for food scraps or something in the bins, you know? Beautiful-looking dog.
Weimaraner.
Gorgeous dog, right? I walk him home.
Number's on the collar.
Ring the number.
Family comes down.
Nice enough family, you know? Sweet-looking family, you know? Father's probably, I don't know, an accountant or something.
Two kids.
Nice young kids, you know? So they're pretty happy to see Brisket.
Brisket.
That was his name, right? This guy pulls out his wallet.
Hundred bucks.
I said, "No, please.
I don't want the hundred bucks.
" "You know, just trying to do the right thing here.
It's okay.
" He says, "I insist.
I want you to take the hundred bucks.
" It's a bit embarrassing.
So I look at the kids.
I say, "No, kids, you know, I didn't do this for a reward.
" "I did this because I feel that this is the right thing to do.
" "I wanna live in a world where people just do the right thing" "because they feel it's the right thing to do.
" Little sort of Martin Luther King type speech.
He's still waving the hundred in front of me.
You know? Almost insulting me.
I said, finally, "Okay, I'll take the hundred.
" "I feel bad about it, but I'll take the hundred.
" Off they go.
About a week later what do I see on this telegraph pole? - "Reward, dog lost" - Brisket.
Brisket.
- Brisket.
- Yeah, right.
You weren't gonna take the hundred.
That's not the point.
It's the principle.
I'm down 200 bucks.
So I go round to his place three nights later and I steal the fuckin' dog.
Did you want a dog? N No, not particularly.
But he's a beautiful dog.
I love him.
You know, your American films have got a lot to answer for, because, you know I mean, YOU know it's not like the movies.
It's a lot of this.
Lot of just sitting, waiting.
You know, just waiting.
If you knew why I was here, you wouldn't think this was boring.
- Why are you here? - Don't worry about it.
A Mexican drug cartel? Or a Colombian drug cartel? Just sniff if it's Mexican.
If it's Colombian, just do nothing.
- So it's Mexican? - I didn't say that.
- No, you didn't.
- No, I literally didn't.
- Okay, so it's Colombian? - I didn't say that.
No.
You didn't.
- What I'm telling you - Yeah.
.
.
is I didn't tell you anything.
No, you didn't, and that's what I'm saying.
- Mm-hm.
I know you didn't.
- Good.
- 'Cause you're acting like I did.
- No, I'm not.
If I was gonna tell anybody, I wouldn't tell you because I don't trust you with a secret 'cause I don't think you're smart enough to keep it.
That's right.
'Cause I'm not a police officer.
No, you are a police officer.
Or you're a detective.
Yes.
I think you're a real low-level detective.
And I don't think you could handle the kind of information that I have.
Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah.
Car 72, please report.
Yes, Car 72.
No activity.
No activity.
Copy that.
And we're gonna get pregnant, okay, right? And I just thought, "This is it.
Give her a child, make her happy.
" The next minute, before I know it, she's telling me about this pilot-semen bank.
I think, okay, this is our fourth time round now, and we're using a cup of her dead husband's semen.
- Right - Mmm.
I mean, is it wrong that I think it is okay to use a cup of another man's semen to impregnate my wife? What does it say about me? I mean, what kind of man am I, hmm? I mean, I would do that out of love, but I I I'm a man.
You know, my son's gonna be there looking at me with his same hairline as Charles and those fantastic teeth.
Just Is that part of me? But I'm okay.
Or am I? Hmm? Ha! That's what I'm saying.
I don't know if I'm okay with it.
But I'm gonna do it all the same, you know? We've just got a whole milk tray of cups lined up.
- Bang, bang, bang! - Mmm-hmm.
- Obviously, we're not gonna drink them.
- No, I know.
Sorry! It's just one of those magic memories, you know? Completely, yeah.
- What was his name? - James.
- Good name.
- 20.
Just got his licence.
- I can't believe I'm telling you this.
- Hmm! Anyway, he he came and picked me up in his car.
It was a classic EH Holden, you know.
And, um, we were driving around and Rod Stewart was playing on the radio.
Nice.
And then we went up to, um oh, yeah, up to Kissing Point.
Mmm! And, um, he was so nervous.
One thing led to another, and we, you know, we had intercourse.
He was so he was just, like, so thankful.
And then I I realised, you know, it was the first time he'd seen a woman's flesh.
Was he a virgin? Oh, wow! And, you know, I was sort of, like, "Wow.
A couple of hours ago, you were a virgin.
" "And now, you're you know, now you're a man.
" And I was there.
I was a part of that.
Like, I witnessed that.
I was Yeah.
So it'll always be a special memory.
- Just - Completely.
I wonder where James is now.
I'd say he'd probably still be at laser tag.
Sorry, so this was, like, recently? Two or three weeks ago.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
- I mean, he's not The One or anything.
- No.
I mean, he's at laser tag.
I think that says a lot.
Yeah.
But, yeah, special.
Car 72, please report.
Car 72, please report.
Uh, Car 72, no activity.
Thanks, April.
I met April.
You met April? - I met April when I first got in.
- Did you? Me, April and, uh, the older lady.
- Carol? - Carol.
They showed me to my actual hotel and we Yeah.
- And there at the bar, and Carol left.
- Ah.
And April and I I guess she gave me the official Australian, uh, greeting.
I fucked her.
Don't tell her that I told you.
- April? April? - April.
- In the bathroom.
Yeah.
- From Dispatch? - Blonde hair - Yeah.
She's, like, sucking my dick.
I'm like, "What the?" I go, "Honey, I'm gonna pop.
I'm gonna pop.
I'm gonna pop.
" - I'm not gonna lie - I'm gonna get some Chinese food.
You want some Chinese food? Do you want anything? - Sure.
- Yeah? What would you like? I don't care.
Some sort of chicken dish.
Not too spicy.
Okay.
Uh, I'll be back in a minute.
I'll just finish this story really fast.
And a beef in the black bean sauce, please.
- And, uh - Sichuan.
- Sichuan? - Sichuan.
- You want the beef? - Yeah.
And, uh, one serve of Sichuan beef.
Uh Oh, no, no.
Spicy.
No, no takeaway.
I can be pick up.
Thank you very much.
Mate, that's that's pretty racist, mate.
Why? I was I mean, I I mean, what do you mean? I order Indian, Thai, Italian You do all the accents? Well, it just makes it simple.
And to be honest, I think, you know, it's appreciated if .
.
gotta make a special effort.
I welcome all cultures.
What, by doing funny voices? You think that voice was funny? You're the racist.
- Can I take this? - Yeah.
See you in 10 minutes.
Don't don't do the accent when you go there, mate.
You're the racist, mate.
I am not.
Am I? Intelligence suggests that the big boss may arrive at the warehouse sometime in the next 48 hours.
Let's coordinate all units to converge here asap.
Basically, he pulled what you thought was a weapon and then you shot him, yeah? - Bingo.
- Terrif.
Okay.
I'll fill in all those other blanks later.
We should do more of this.
Fantastic, yeah.
Give us a cuddle.
Oh.
No, look, that's fine.
Um listen, about your, um I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think you might It might be a good idea for you to see a therapist or a counsellor or someone, you know? - But that's what you are.
- No, I'm not.
What are you? I'm from the courts.
- What? - I'm just a I'm a clerk from the courts.
I've got to file an independent report on the shooting.
That's why I'm here.
Oh, that's bloody lovely, isn't it? Ha! I've been sitting here just pouring all my shit out to you.
- And you were writing it down.
- No, I wasn't.
- Rub that shit out! - It won't go in the report.
I'm just doing a report on the shooting.
Everything about you says 'counsellor'.
What says 'counsellor' about me? Your demeanour.
Your The way you had me in the foetal position on the couch.
You put yourself in the foetal position.
- You gave me tissues.
- I never gave you tissues.
I am outraged over this, right? I haven't even told my partner any of this stuff.
You Shit.
Ah.
Uh Ah! Mate, you wouldn't happen to have 20 cents you could give me? - I'm I'm short by 20 cents.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's ridiculous.
- There's a dollar.
Keep the change.
Thank you very much.
Let me give you Give it as a tip.
Honestly.
- All right.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Thanks, Tony.
I'll just get this.
You getting away? Holiday or road trip or? - Oh, yeah.
Uh Road trip.
- Ah.
Yeah, with the old man.
We're heading up to Emerald, on the Sapphire Coast, just north of Woolgoolga.
- Oh, lovely.
- Yeah, well.
10 hours in the car with your old man's, you know - Sometimes, uh - Backseat driver? Well, front-seat driver.
He insists on driving.
Insists on talking every step of the way.
If I had a dollar for every kilometre of good advice I got from the old man, I'd be a multimillionaire.
Oh, mate, tell me about it.
I'm heading home.
Just been away with the wife and kids.
Oh, it's school holidays, isn't it? - Yeah, it is.
- Easter holidays.
Yeah, that's right.
We've gotta get the kids back to school.
And, um, oh, my God, it's just relentless.
You know, "Mehmehmehmeh," in the back.
And "Mehmehmehmeh! You missed the turn-off.
" You're just, "April, settle down.
Back off.
" - How many kids you got? - Two.
Twins.
Yeah.
- Eight years old.
- Yeah, right.
Jeff and Donna.
Older names, but they're family names.
Yeah, right, from the family.
And, you know, it's lovely and God bless family, but every now and then, it's all I can do to stop myself from swerving into oncoming traffic.
- You know? - I know.
If I had the freedom I had when I was single, you know? If I could bottle that.
I never knew what I had when I had it.
You don't know what you've got till it's gone.
That's true.
But family, you've gotta love 'em.
It's everything.
Family is everything.
I mean, was it Mother Teresa who said if you wanna work towards world peace, just go home and love your family.
- She said that? - Yeah.
She didn't have any kids.
No, no, she was a nun.
But she had, you know, her orphanage.
She saw a lot of That's why they called her Mother.
Like Michael Jackson.
The world's just kind of family.
Yeah, yeah, it wasn't a biological thing - Yeah, right.
- Is the point.
Xie xie.
Well, all the best with the old man.
Thanks for the, uh - Don't mention it.
- 20 cents.
- All the best.
- See you.
Thank you very much.
Is this the kung pao? Extra spicy?