No Activity (2015) s01e08 Episode Script

The Raid

1 MAN [OVER RADIO]: Car 27, we’re still waiting on you guys.
Come on.
Move your car back.
CULLEN: Yeah, copy that.
Listen, it’s just Can I just say, we’ve already moved back three times, and if we move back again, we’re gonna be the furthest car back in the whole raid here.
Uh, and don’t forget, we were the first car here.
MAN: Detective Cullen, I’m not gonna ask you again.
Move your car further back.
- CULLEN: Okay, yeah, copy that.
- [ENGINE STARTS] We’re moving back.
We’re moving back.
- Un-fucking-believable.
- [SIGHS] We’re so far back, we can’t even see the warehouse now.
- How many jurisdictions are here? - Okay, look, just calm down.
Let’s roll the windows down and get some fresh air in here.
No, I don’t need fresh air, okay? I need to not be constantly overlooked.
We were here first.
Now we’re so far back, we can’t even see the target location.
Oh, hey.
Got something for you.
Check it out.
Mm, yeah, no.
That’s not it.
- Ow, wait.
- No, no.
That doesn’t help.
I was gonna let you see it.
I was just trying to get the focus together.
I don’t need to look at the warehouse through your novelty telescope, okay? I need to be the closest car there, not the fifth car back.
Can I have my telescope back, please? Sure, sure.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Why do you have that? Well, I brought it the first night of our stakeout, remember? We were back at the docks.
I thought it’d be a fun little nautical theme for the car.
Actually, this belongs to my grandpa.
He was a first class seaman in the Navy.
He picked this up in Malta.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Lot of semen in your family? Mm-hmm, yeah, lot of seamen.
My grandpa, uh my cousin Nathan, and his daughters, both, all seamen.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Is there any semen on your mom’s side? Oh, yeah, there’s a lot of seamen on my mom’s side.
My cousin is on my mom’s side.
And my dad’s side, too, you know.
On my dad’s side there, my Uncle Kevin.
- Yeah.
- That’s my dad’s brother.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
But the rest of the semen is on your mom? Uh Mm-hmm.
Load of semen, all over your mom? Yeah.
Do you not see what I’m doing here? Semen.
Semen, a load of semen all over your mom.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Honestly, I-I don’t It’s so obvious.
I don’t know how you don’t detect it, you know? It’s-it’s not satisfying for me.
Oftentimes, I’ll make a joke like that, and you just, you won’t get it.
I get it.
I really do.
I get the jokes.
I just choose to not engage in your type of humor.
Okay? I’m a hard joke guy.
This whole mean wordplay thing that you’ve been doing lately, it doesn’t look good on you.
Mm-hmm, yup.
This doesn’t work.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING] While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
FATIMA: I just wanted to say I’m sorry for taking dispatch for granted.
And I’m sorry I took you for granted.
And I’m I’m really, really, really sorry.
Okay, Janice, honestly, I don’t know what you want me to say here.
I didn’t ask you to say anything.
That’s your guilt filling the silence.
Well I guess I have been thinking about it a lot, and I could see myself making a go of dispatch.
Well, I guess 911 wasn’t so exciting after all.
- So boring.
- Mm.
And so many prank calls.
The worst were the ones where people would call and just just breathe heavily.
That’s a choker.
What? If someone calls, right, and there’s heavy breathing on the other line, or they’re not talking at all, 83% of those people are choking on something.
Something’s lodged in their throat or they’re physically being choked.
Either way, they can’t talk.
So I assume you called an ambulance? Yeah.
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? I stole a baby.
- You stole a baby? - Yeah.
Remember Karen? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
We’d gone through, like, I don’t know, four pregnancies that ended in miscarriages and - I didn’t know that.
- Yeah.
She really wanted that baby, but I didn’t want to put her through another pregnancy, so I figured maybe the best move would be to steal a baby.
You know, in the middle of the night from someone’s house.
Kind of the decent thing to do.
How so? Well, I guess I kind of figured, if we stole someone’s baby from the supermarket or, you know, out of a stroller at the park or something, the parent’s gonna always feel like they failed the child somehow, like, they should’ve been more attentive or they should’ve been better parents.
They would blame themselves, like, every day for the rest of their lives.
But if I just go jimmy a window in the middle of the night, scoop a kid out of a, out of a crib, there’s no way the parents could beat themselves up over that.
They That’s just, like, you know, that’s just a tragedy that befell them, really.
So you were trying to be considerate Yes, yes, exactly.
about the baby you were stealing? You get it.
So, grabbed this really cute little bundle of joy, brought her home.
But Karen had a real problem with it just because, you know, she felt, like angry that I’d kept her in the dark about the baby.
You didn’t tell her that you were planning on stealing a baby? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
It was a surprise.
It was her birthday.
It was, like, gonna be the big present.
She I got her, like, a bunch of presents, and then this was gonna be the last, final, big one.
But the baby started crying before she even unwrapped it, so the whole thing was ruined.
- You wrapped the baby? - Yeah.
I mean, like, I wrapped it at the last second.
I’m not, like, a I’m not a fucking monster.
You know, but the baby started crying, so she knew what was in the thing.
And that started a cascade of classic Karen questions.
"Where’s this baby from? Whose baby is this? What did you do? How could you do this to me?" - I feel like - "How could you do this to them?" those are all questions that I would also ask.
I ended up taking the baby back.
She and I split up, and, you know, it was kind of a blessing in disguise ’cause it, like, really brought out a bunch of the red flags for me and Karen.
You know, she was just really ungrateful, complained a lot, and couldn’t appreciate that I was giving her the things in life that she really wanted.
So, bullet dodged.
[SIGHS] [GRUNTS] [PANTING] I think we’re almost there, cabrón.
It’s getting kind of softer, you know.
You know what’s good about that? Huh? Now is the time to exchange the gifts.
What-what sort of gifts? Coming to the end of the tunnel gifts.
When-when you finish a drug tunnel, you give each other gifts to celebrate? You didn’t get me anything? I just didn’t know it was a thing.
- Oh, my God.
- Well I don’t even know if I should give you your gift now.
Don’t give me the gift, man.
I don’t deserve it.
You really don’t have to.
You can be my assistant in America.
Up high.
That’s your fucking gift? - Th-That was the gift? - Really? Oh, okay.
[LAUGHS] Th-The stones on you, cabrón.
You make me feel bad? Employment in the greatest country ever not a gift.
No, it’s not a gift.
You know, it’s useless to me.
First of all, assistant.
Like, not even, like, you know, partner.
Right? Second of all, I’m not going to America, so it is completely worthless to me.
- Why not? - I don’t know, ’cause I have a wife at home, that might or might not love me, - that I need to go back to.
- Wait a second.
Wait a second? You wait a second.
We agreed that you were not going back to her.
No, no, no.
You decided.
I was a little on the fence about it.
But now I’ve made up my mind.
Especially after seeing the shitty gifts that await me.
Well, maybe I’ll just take back my gift.
You know what, Roberto? I think that would be a good idea.
All right.
You made me do this, Miggie.
You give me no choice.
You’re fired.
You’re no longer my assistant.
MAN [OVER RADIO]: DEA confirms raid is on tonight.
MAN 2: Copy that.
We’re informing all units? MAN: Not yet.
What’s funny? Hmm? What are you smiling about? Huh? Ah What? Well, yesterday, I was out putting up flyers in the neighborhood.
You know, trying to find that dog Dennis? Oh, shitty Kyle’s shitty dog? - Yeah, yeah, he’s been lost.
- Right.
So, anyways, I’ve been trying to find him after work, so I’ve been going around my neighborhood, - putting up flyers everywhere.
- Okay.
So, yesterday, I stopped at this vet’s office in my neighborhood and asked her if I could put up a flyer - for the missing dog.
- Right.
We started talking, and I was asking her about animals and stuff.
So, anyways, we, um we went to have dinner.
- And we started having drinks.
- Okay.
And, uh, we talked, and we had more drinks - and some more drinks.
- Uh-huh.
More drinks.
And then I said, "I better get you home.
" - So I drove her home, right? - Okay.
After the drinks? Yeah, after the drinks.
I was hoping you would skip over that part.
Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter.
Anyways, uh, so, uh, I get in front of her house.
We’re parked in my car, and we start kissing and stuff.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I mean, we’re going at it like two teenagers.
And I haven’t, I haven’t done that in a long time.
I have not kissed a person with an open mouth in decades.
- Decades? - Yeah.
Yeah, Lisa does not like open-mouth kissing.
I didn’t know You never told me that.
Well, why would I tell you that? - It’s kind of personal.
- Yeah.
- Anyways, back to my story.
- Right.
So, we’re going at it, we’re in my car, you know, and then she says, "Hey, come on in.
We can make love in my place.
" And I go, "Hey, baby, I got something even better than that.
" - Okay.
- So guess where I took her to.
- Where? - The yurt.
Th-The yurt that Kyle has been building? - Yeah.
- Why? ’Cause why not? - Fuck Kyle.
- Right.
He used my tools to build that yurt.
- Uh-huh.
- I took her into that yurt, and I laid her down, and we started making love, and I just gave it to her good.
- Right, - And then, - when I reached my zenith, - Mm-hmm.
I looked up, and guess what I saw in the doorway.
What? Dennis, the Irish wolfhound, staring at me.
And I looked at him, he looked at me.
We locked eyes.
And he knew he could not fuck with me.
I was the leader of the pack.
He turned around and hightailed it out of there.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
That’s awesome.
I just got a couple questions, though, ’cause it’s, like, it’s awesome It’s an awesome story.
What questions could you possibly have? I covered every detail.
- Oh, totally, totally, yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, the detail was so exquis I just want to unpack some of that detail.
Just when you said, like, "I reached my zenith.
" - Yeah? - That means y-you came, right? - Yes.
- Right.
Uh, yeah.
And you looked at the dog, and then the dog slunk its tail and ran away.
- Yeah.
- You dominated the dog.
Did it really happen? - No.
- That’s okay.
And, uh, riddle me this.
Was he even there? Dennis the dog.
No, he’s still missing.
- Nobody knows where he is.
- Okay, right.
- I’m buying it a little more now.
- Yeah.
Were you even in the yurt? Not when we made love.
- We made love in her house.
- Okay.
And then I drove by the yurt when I was going home.
But you did have sex with her? Did you? - Yes.
- You did.
- Hundred-percent true.
- Okay.
- Well, that’s all that matters to me.
- Okay.
- You know, I’m so happy for you.
- Thank you.
Okay? And listen, I want you to know I don’t need the crazy stories and the narrative and the yurt and the dog and - I don’t need that stuff, okay? - Okay.
You did it.
- That’s all that matters to me.
- Yeah.
- Hey, you-you are enough for me.
- Thanks.
Important you hear that.
Hey, look at me.
You’re enough.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
Hey, movie night.
Streets of San Francisco? Yeah, Streets of San Francisco.
Let’s do it - You gonna take that for me? - Yeah, all right.
I got a surprise for you for movie night.
- Okay.
- Yeah, you ready? Bum ba dum bum ba da bum Check it out.
Oh, what’s that? It is, uh, popcorn.
Fresh popcorn, my man.
- Popcorn in the car? - Yeah.
It’s gonna be good.
Okay, yeah.
What the fuck? We’re celebrating.
So, what are we, season one here? Season one.
I’ll-I’ll go first.
ANGUS: Of course I’m happy for you, Mom.
Yes, that-that I just wish you would have been honest with me from the start, because I wouldn’t have invested so much in the guy.
Does that make sense? Okay, okay.
I-I got to go.
Love you, Mom.
Your mom? How’s she doing? Seeing someone else.
Oh, really? She say who? Some new fucking idiot.
I don’t know.
Well, I don’t know.
You don’t know that he’s an idiot.
No, I do know he’s an idiot, because it’s been a revolving door of idiots for the majority of my life.
Okay? I don’t want to meddle, but, like, maybe you should - cut your mom some slack.
- No.
No, I’m not, I’m not even This new guy, whoever he is, I’m not giving him a chance.
I’m not even gonna try.
I don’t even want to meet him.
Fuck this guy.
Well, maybe he’s, like, a-a kind, generous-of-spirit man who is sweet to her and well-traveled and is someone something, uh What? Well-traveled? Yeah.
You know, maybe he’s, like, seen the - Are you fucking kidding me, Marco?! - Whoa.
- You? - What are you doing? Me what? What, Angus? No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you’re the new fucking idiot.
What do you mean? You’re the only person that I’ve ever met that uses the term "well-traveled" as if it’s some kind of a virtue.
It’s not, by the way.
200 years ago, maybe that was impressive, because it was hard to get around.
Now, who the fuck cares? I don’t even know what we’re talking about right now.
We’re talking about the fact that you’re fucking my mom.
- I didn’t say that.
- Yeah, I know.
I just figured that out, and you won’t admit it to me.
I don’t want to lie to you, okay? This is not how I wanted you to find out.
Your mom and I planned on taking you out to dinner after we finish this job - Oh, my God, no.
- to explain the whole thing.
How it happened, what’s going on, what the future is.
TOLBECK: Ooh, get him.
- Get those dirtbags.
- Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES] That’s gonna be us soon.
Yeah, that’s right.
Hey, I thought we were too far back.
No, I think we move pretty quick.
I think we can get there and bag us some dirt.
- Mm-hmm.
- [SIREN WAILING OVER TV] More popcorn? - Yeah, man.
The saltier the better.
- All right.
So this whole thing about me giving you some sort of a sign that I wanted you to kill Adrian, that was bullshit, right? It was because of you and my mom.
Right? Eh I don’t know, there might be some truth to that.
I might have had some personal motives for killing Adrian.
Okay, listen, I’m just gonna tell you what happened.
One day, your mom came up to my room, when I was staying at the house, and she’d made some sort of, um lobster quiche? I took one bite.
Honestly, I don’t get it.
I thought it was disgusting.
I spit it on the floor.
I-I’m not sure; I was on all sorts of pain meds.
I think I threw the dish across the room at her.
That pissed her off.
So what, do you love my mom? I don’t know if it’s love, but we have what is undeniably the most sexually compatible relationship of my entire life.
She climbed on top of me, and I didn’t know if she was trying to fuck me or kill me, and that flipped a switch in me, and I don’t know, since then, I-I can’t get enough of her, you know? [GROANS] Oh, my God.
She’s gonna be really mad that I told you, which isn’t the worst thing for me, ’cause when she’s mad, she gets super horny.
Holy shit, the hole.
The hole is moving.
- What? - The hole’s moving.
Really? Fucking finally.
- All right.
Here we go.
- Don’t fucking touch me.
A-All right.
- Are you ready? - Wait.
I have to tell you something.
What? I lied to you about the other tunnel.
I told you I-I just quit.
I didn’t quit.
They fired me.
They said I didn’t have the right look for that tunnel.
Oh, Roberto.
Who cares about those guys? We made it, cabrón.
We’re almost there.
But what if I fail at the stand-up? What if I’m not funny? What if I suck? What if all this writing was for nothing, huh? No, cabrón.
You are Roberto the Experto, you hear me? They’re gonna fucking love you, cabrón.
And all we got to do, crawl through there, so you can go have your fame and your entourage.
You know? The beautiful entourage, right? - Are you ready for this, cabrón? - Yeah.
- Are you ready for this, cabrón? - Yeah.
Just for you.
Ready? Let’s do this, man.
[GRUNTING, SPEAKING SPANISH] Inspector 73 to headquarters.
I’m operating a takeout vehicle and pursuing a felony suspect.
Turn that off, turn that off.
Huh? Pursuing a turquoise - Yeah? - You hear something? California license 8-8-3, Ida, Nelly, Baker - No.
- No.
I don’t know.
- Move it.
- [GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE] [TV TURNS OFF] - What? What is it? - Shh.
- [GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE] - Where did that come from? - That was gunfire.
No? - Yeah.
Where? - [GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE] - Right over there.
What the fuck? They haven’t called anything through.
- Oh, my Oh, shit.
- Where’s the radio? - Oh, shit.
- What? Where’s the radio?! I unplugged the radio.
I forgot to plug it back in.
What the why did you do that?! Because of the popcorn machine! You fucking idiot, plug it back in! - Oh.
Oh, shit! - [GUNFIRE CONTINUES] - What the fuck is wrong with you?! - Oh There it is! It’s on, it’s on! - Okay, okay.
- FATIMA: Car 14, suspect approaching.
- He should be right on top of you.
- We’re missing it! - We are missing this! - Oh, fuck! Come on! It’s not my fault.
Shut up! Grab your vest.
- Oh, man, it’s not my fault.
- Jesus Christ.
You and your fucking fresh popcorn! - Come on! - [HELICOPTER WHIRRING OVERHEAD] Yeah, well, it makes the movie experience better! - Shut up! - [GRUNTS] Copy that.
Car 48, proceed to the rear entrance.
Unit 5, be advised of an explosion at the northwest corner of the warehouse.
Possible hazardous materials.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Coming.
If we miss this, I’m gonna fucking kill you.
All right, go, go, go.
- Climb, climb.
- Okay no, no, no.
- Boost me, boost me.
- No, no! - This way.
Come on.
- Oh, okay.
- Come on, come on.
- Go, go, go, go, go! - CULLEN: Get your gun.
Get your gun.
- TOLBECK: All right.
- Okay, here we go.
- South This is it.
Stand back, stand back.
Okay, here we go.
- Here we go.
- What the fuck?! - Huh? - Did you just shoot that door?! Yeah.
We had to get in! It doesn’t lock! It’s okay! Pincer, pincer.
Pincer! Move, move, move! - Tolbeck! - Got it, got it! - We got him! Freeze! - Freeze! Freeze! Whoa, whoa, hey.
He’s dead, he’s dead.
He’s dead.
He is dead.
- Hey, don’t touch the body! - It’s okay.
- We were here first! - Slow down! Read the badge! This is our bust! - Here we go.
Here we go.
- To the left.
To the left! - Go, go, go! - Oh, man.
Dead end.
- No, no, no.
This way? - Dead end, dead end.
- Where is it? Where are we at? - Okay, here we go.
- Here we go, here we go.
- MARCO: All right, Angus.
Let me call your mom first.
Hey, whoa.
I know you.
Hey, Paul! That’s Paul.
I know him.
Cullen, look, a boat.
- I know.
I see.
- That’s so cool.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! - Fuck me.
- I got it, I got it! Here we go.
Here we go.
- This is it.
- Hey, watch out.
- What the? - Hey, hey, stay back.
- No, no, no, it’s okay.
- This area’s hot.
- This is our bust.
- We were here first.
- Ch-Check it out.
- Stay back.
[BOTH PANTING] FATIMA: Confirming all units.
The raid is completed and location is secure.
Good job, everyone.
Dispatch out.
Not bad.
- Not bad at all.
- Wow.
- Not bad? That was very good.
- Yeah.
Well, I told you dispatch is where it’s at.
- [EXHALES] - Yeah.
But you’re still on trial.
- No.
- Yeah.
I made you proud.
I can tell.
[SCOFFS] You didn’t make me proud.
- It’s part of the job.
- Oh I can see it.
You’re basically welling up, tears of pride in your eyes.
There aren’t any tears in my eyes.
You didn’t think I could do it, - and then I surpassed your expectations.
- Bing Bong.
Bing Bong doesn’t work anymore.
Says who? Me.
I killed Bing Bong.
Oh, geez, I’m shivering.
[WHOOPS] [EXHALES] Ready for another drug bust.
[INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER] TOLBECK: Well looks like we missed it.
You think? Yeah.
- Yep.
- Why do you think that is? - Oh, you know, certain factors.
- Factors? - Looks like yeah.
- What kind of factors? Um, certain Like you unplugging the radio kind of factors? - Well - That the kind of factors you - [PANTING] - Hey.
[GRUNTS] That’s it, that’s it.
That’s it between us.
- That’s it.
- Come on, you don’t mean No, no, no.
- Don’t - Come on, Cullen.
Don’t follow me! Don’t you follow me.
Hey, put the Fuck! Seriously, we are done professionally! Fucking ass! Uh Hey, Cullen, I need a ride home.
Uh, my lunch is in the car, also.
TOLBECK: Sorry I said that so loudly.
You don’t need to hear about that.
You won the prize At last, you found somebody You won the prize Someone [COUGHING] [MUTTERS IN SPANISH] Oh, shit.
Cabrón, look.
You think that’s where the fancy tunnel came out of? Maybe.
MIGUEL: I guess we were the backup tunnel, huh? ROBERTO: That’s a punch in the dick.
I got to go.
Roberto, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Good luck.
[PANTING] I’m coming with you, cabrón.
I always knew you would.
[LAUGHS] Oh, Jesus.
So Jesus Christ, let’s Disguises.
- [SPEAKS SPANISH] - [CHUCKLES] That’s so sweet of you, man.
- Oh.
I mean - Ah.
"Hello, gringo.
" - Where are you? - [CHUCKLES] Ay, bien, where’d he go? Oh, but I need an American name now, cabrón.
Um Michael.
- Michael? Mike.
- Mike.
"What’s up? I’m Mike.
" [LAUGHS] Very gringo, huh? [LOWERS VOICE] "Excuse me.
How do you like your finances?" [BOTH LAUGH] - They like the money here.
- Yeah, yeah.
What’s your name gonna be? Mike.
I have cable.
Okay, we’re both Mike.
I-I picked mine first, but Listen, seriously, don’t let people know that we came out of the backup tunnel.
Just completely shits over my narrative.
On it.
I don’t think anybody would care though.
People care.
America’s about first place.
You won the prize At last, you found somebody You won the prize Someone to call you honey You won the prize Stick with me and it’s gonna be sunny Every day Ooh You won the prize They say the same