No Activity (2015) s02e07 Episode Script

By the Siege Side

1 Previously on No Activity Did you ever meet somebody and immediately know you were gonna open a bar with them? - No.
- That's what I'm feeling right here.
You're probably sensing that I'm a Scientologist.
You really would do anything for me, huh? Anything short of murder.
That softball team is the epicenter of police corruption.
And we need you to find out who the leader is.
Larry Turnbull, you're under arrest.
Cuff him.
He's like a hero.
There's some money that gets moved around, but that money goes to worthwhile causes.
We pay for maternity leave, paternity leave.
We pay for the soup kitchens.
- Cuff him.
- No.
- CULLEN: Don't do this.
- Do not do this to me.
Give me [DISTORTED]: Looks like this one got away, folks.
Marco, are you a fucking cop or not?! I'm an FBI agent.
But it doesn't change the fact that I am in love with you.
Sorry for yelling, but this is - a hostage situation.
- [GUNSHOTS] - What? - What? MAN: Confirming siege perimeter set.
Two-block clearance.
- Copy? - MAN 2: Snipers in position.
We have two hostages.
Stand by, guys.
Alpha Bravo in position? Alpha Bravo reporting clear line of sight.
Copy that.
Delta Tango? Delta Tango reporting clear line of sight.
Copy that.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING] LARRY: Thank you, Demetri, you're the best.
Give the orphans a big hug for me, okay? Okay.
Guys, got to get a few more ducks in a few more rows.
That's all I got to do.
Actually, about 50 more ducks in about 50 more fucking rows.
I'm losing it, but I'm not gonna lose it.
'Cause you guys are the best hostages I've ever had.
I swear to God, you're so good, and I don't deserve you.
I mean it, and I'm gonna give you everything you need.
I just got to tick a few more things off.
Affairs in order.
[SIGHS]: Okay, this one's gonna be hard.
Barbara's a dummy.
Hello? Barbara.
Hey, do you have a pen? Okay, write this down.
I need you to change my will.
I need you to split everything between Doctors Without Borders and the First Responders Memorial Fund.
I don't know what "Redonders" is.
[QUIETLY]: Welcome to my life.
And I need you to get ahold of Connie at the halfway house.
Tell her I can't play Santa this year.
But if they want the suit, it's under my bed.
They can have it.
God bless.
Get someone a person of color to do Santa.
We're the problem.
Gabe's Lasik, I'm gonna send you money for that, in addition to Dee and Logan's tear tattoo removal.
I'm gonna Venmo you right now.
Give me the Venmo number.
Barbara, one Hold on a second.
I want to go somewhere else for this.
Go ahead.
Give me your Venmo.
Barbara? One, two ? WOMAN: How did we end up here? Larry's the best.
MAN: It was Cullen and Tolbeck.
They caught Larry, they called it in, they started this whole fucking mess.
WOMAN: Fuck those guys.
Oh, I do like to be beside the siege-side I do like to be beside the siege.
Are you saying "seezh"? - Yeah, siege.
- It's "seej.
" - Siege.
- Siege.
You're saying "see-zhuh.
" - That's how you say it.
- No, you say "seej.
" Okay, Cullen, what's up your butt? What's up my butt? Uh, gee, l-let me think.
Oh, you.
You're up my butt.
- Why? - Wh why? I came here to help you, Tolbeck.
But you have not helped us in any way.
In fact, you've been an obstacle every step of the way.
And now here we are, and all this shit's going on, and it's a big old fucking mess that you made.
- I'm not gonna argue with you about this.
- I'm not gonna argue with you.
- You're just grumpy.
- And you know what? I don't know why I'm surprised.
'Cause once again, I've been Tolbeck'd.
You Tolbeck'd me good and you Tolbeck'd me hard.
Tolbeck'd is a bad thing? Since when? Oh, shit.
Oh, I don't believe it.
It's fucking Greg from Port Security.
- Where? - Shit, he's seen us.
Be asleep.
Pretend to be asleep.
- [SNORES] - Oh.
Okay, I'm gonna open my eyes slowly and see if he's coming up on us, - okay? - Okay.
- Opening - Uh-huh.
- slowly.
- Uh-huh.
- Open.
- Uh-huh.
- Yes.
- And? He's staring at me.
What? He's staring at you? - Yes.
- Are you looking at him? I am looking at him.
So you're just staring at each other? - Yes.
- Well, stop it.
You're pretending to be asleep.
My father did that for 40 years.
[CHUCKLES] God, I miss him.
Eh - I'm coming in.
- [KNOCKS SOFTLY] He's coming in.
Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
- [SIGHS] - Forget it.
He's in the car now.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING] While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
COTRIC: Alpha Bravo to Delta Tango.
You have eyes on northeast window? DUGAN: Affirmative, Alpha Bravo.
I am seeing things clearly for what they are.
Sorry, Delta Tango.
Missed that, please repeat.
Yes, Alpha Bravo.
I have a clear vantage point.
Not that you would care anyway.
Delta Tango, switch to three.
Switching to three.
Is there a problem, Alec? Me? Why would I have a problem? Well, you've been in a mood all day.
I've been in a moo I've been in a mood? - Yeah, you know you have been.
- Maybe it's because I didn't get a decent night's sleep last night.
Oh, God, change the record.
I'm not like you, I can't just show up to work and pretend that I wasn't up until 3:00 a.
waiting for you to come home after your little date with your newest project, piss-drunk, slurring on and on about threesomes.
I think Dr.
Schaefer would commend me for being the only spouse in this relationship who's trying to infuse a little bit of surprise.
Oh, yes, he'd pin a gold fucking star on your chest for declaring your desire for a unicorn at 3:00 a.
No, I think Dr.
Schaefer would say that's operating as a "me" instead of a "we.
" Have you ever once considered what this would do to my status? What do you mean, your status? I'm a platinum star gay, Danny.
Alec, you've never been with a woman congratulations.
Good for you.
Danny, for the last time, that would make me a gold star gay.
I've never even touched vagina, which is pretty fucking hard to do when you're a male cheerleader in college.
I was born via C-section.
- Okay.
- Platinum star.
Wish you would've hung out with us.
You would love Fatima.
Fatima from Dispatch? So you proposed the threesome? No.
No, no, no, no.
I didn't propose that.
We were just talking and, you know, we were drinking, and then he told me he was gay, and I well, I don't know I really liked him, so I just started drinking more.
I-I and then he told me he had a husband, - so, like, more drinks.
- [CHUCKLES] I, like, made this joke about I don't know what if we, like, blindfolded ourselves and, like, got together and, like, had a threesome? Yeah, so I then asked him if he wanted to have a threesome.
Yeah, so Yeah, I guess I did propose it.
Well, I-I have some news, too.
And not a pissing contest.
You have big news; mine is small.
Okay, and I'm not trying to steal your thunder on this.
- No.
No, no, no.
- Anyway Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.
Of course.
Little thing in my life: I left the Church this morning.
- I left the Church.
- What? Yeah, I have left Scientology in the rearview mirror.
- This is huge.
- I think working here - and working with you - Mm-hmm.
it's really empowered me to make a lot of big decisions.
It's funny, I feel like the catalyst - at the end of the day, was - Mm-hmm.
Remember a couple days ago, I couldn't, I couldn't find my highlighter.
And then you just kind of gave me a look that just kind of summed up everything.
Like, that just sort of crystallized I could just tell what you were thinking behind the eyes was just like, "It's time for you to go.
"It's time for you to step out on your own "and just really stand on your own two feet "and leave that manipulative church that's been suppressing you for so long and " - Don't remember that.
- Yeah.
But there's, like, all these wide-open opportunities now that I'm so excited about.
Like drink you mentioned drinking.
I can drink now.
- You should celebrate.
- Yeah.
- Here's to new opportunities, right? - Clink.
Oh, my God, I'm tipsy, I'm loose.
I'm saying whatever comes into my mind, like, why did I leave the Church? Why did I leave the Church? It was It was my infrastructure, it was my foundation.
Why did I do that? Ugh An impulse decision that seems like it may be rooted to something called "mania," that he should have medications for, but his church never believed in them, so things were really spiraling out of control.
Yeah, maybe you should, like, ease into, you know, all these new things.
No, that was drunk me talking.
Drunk me doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Drunk me, he's - [LAUGHS] But they'll be coming for me.
They'll be really coming for me.
CULLEN: Uh, Greg, if you don't have business here, we're gonna have to arrest you.
Do you understand that? Listen, Detectives, there is a big gaping, festering hole in the siege perimeter.
But for two maverick detectives, it's an advantage.
What if I told you, you can end this siege, you can save the hostages without firing a single bullet? And how do you propose we do that, Greg? Well, first I need to level with you guys.
I have lost my job at the docks for microamping.
You guys ever do that? Electro-dose yourself? You know, you take your stun gun and you turn it to the lowest possible setting and give yourself a little pick-me-up.
[LAUGHS] It's an open secret in the security industry.
It's kind of like doping at the Tour de France.
Everybody does it, but if they catch you, they got to fire you.
I was, uh, pretty messed up at the time.
That was, like 21 days ago.
21 days since I zapped, so - Congratulations.
- That's great, man.
All the hair fell off my balls.
- Wow.
- It's a wake-up call, huh? Should've been a wake-up call.
It's growing back.
One day at a time.
- You feel okay now, though, right? - I feel good now.
Yeah, you look good.
You guys got stun guns on ? Not on us, no.
You have access to them? Not here.
We don't have any on the premises.
I'm jonesing a little bit.
COTRIC: Are you all feeling what I'm feeling right now? Can't believe it's Larry.
MAN: It's tough on us all.
Larry got me started on the force.
Yeah, me, too.
MAN: Let's hope you're not needed.
[SIREN WAILING] Ugh, still nothing.
No texts, no nothing.
He probably forgot.
That's for the best.
I don't think the unicorn life is for me anyway.
I should take it easy.
It's fine.
Oh, shit, I forgot.
Your neighbor called, and she wanted me to tell you, um, your dog got out.
I'm so sorry.
I forgot to tell you.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no - Yeah, sorry, do you need to, do you need to go I don't know look for him or ? No, I don't need to go look for him.
He's never coming back.
All he is is bait in a trap.
Don't you get it? This is it.
This is the beginning, this is the retaliation.
Wait, did I miss something? Your dog got out Think the dog got out? No, here's what happened.
A bunch of creeps in turtlenecks with leather gloves on snuck into my house.
They took the dog.
And then they'll come out and they'll grab me and they'll take me someplace.
Someplace on the sea.
Someplace in the international waters where there are no laws, where you can, like, gamble and stuff, but you can also murder.
And they'll do that and they will take their time.
You believe me.
They'll heat up a hot poker on a fire and they'll put it right up my little asshole.
- Oh, my God.
- WOMAN: You got flowers, Zach.
That's a ni Well, who was that? Does that person work here? - I've never seen her before.
- Yes.
- No.
How long has she worked here? - That's Susan.
- That's Susan? - I mean, I don't know.
That's as vague as I've ever heard.
- Got it.
- That's really sweet.
"Best wishes on your new journey.
May it bring you comfort and peace.
Love, the Sea Org.
" That's a fine endorsement of your decision.
It's great.
Nothing is just anything anymore.
Everything is something else besides what it seems on the surface.
- Zach, they're just flowers.
- Shut up.
- Maybe there's a chance that - Why don't you just shut up? You caused this whole situation.
You-you convinced me - to quit the Church.
- I And you enchanted me, and you don't know how to solve it, so let me solve it.
What secrets do you hold? What is going on with you? [SIRENS WAILING] Oh! Would you guys, uh, talk about me on the radio real quick? 'Cause in case my wife my ex-wife is listening, uh, just mention that, uh, my weight is stable No.
[SNAPS FINGERS] Uh, say that I weigh the same as I did in high school, but kind of try to make it conversational.
You know what, I would love to do that, but we-we can't.
- We just can't.
- No, that's right.
- Right.
- Because I should move on.
And, uh, and I have because I'm getting married.
- Oh, that's great.
- Great.
Thank you.
Say that.
Uh, say, uh, on the radio say, "I can't believe the wild mustang "is getting lassoed in less than a month.
Are you going to the wedding?" And then the other guy say, "Going? I'm the best man.
" [CHUCKLES] Oh, nice job, Greg.
Talk about letting the cat out of the bag.
I was gonna invite you guys to compete for best man status.
Give you ten minutes each to make your case.
And go.
He'll do it.
I will do it, and I'll be happy to do it, but I got to tell you, I will cry a lot.
- Sorry.
- That's fine.
[CHUCKLES] - Oh, Cullen.
- Mm? - Uh, you can be ring bearer.
- Oh.
The wedding is in three weeks in Panama.
Ooh, Panama.
Have you been? - I have - Is it nice? I have not been, but it sounds nice.
- Sounds nice? - Who's the, uh, lucky lady, Greg? I haven't settled on that detail.
No? No, but there's a couple contenders.
Okay, okay, so you're not yet sure who you're marrying in three weeks? Well, it's Panama, right? There's, like, two girls for every guy.
Anyway, I-I put the money on the venue and it's nonrefundable, so And, get this, I ordered 50,000 butterflies for the reception.
- Is that too many? - Is it too many butterflies? - Mm.
For a fictional wedding with a bride you've never met in a country you've never been to? - Yeah.
- No, I would say double that.
- Double it, right? - Right.
Yeah, because I want to make a good first impression.
Point is, I want to look good for her because I want to get a good, young woman who wants to be married to me, and, uh, I don't want anyone who speaks English.
The number one problem with most relationships is communication.
- Right.
- And so my thought is, if we can't talk 'cause we don't speak the same language, then, then there's no issue.
There's no problem.
Flip the script.
- Right.
- And, uh, they say, "Good fences make good neighbors.
" And I think that applies to marriages as well.
Can't wait for my ex-wife to hear that I got remarried before her.
She said she's getting married in, like, six weeks, so I'm beating her by two weeks.
LARRY: Okay, Mario, thanks.
And if you can arrange for a wheelchair-accessible van to pick Benny up after the game, that'd be amazing.
Thanks, brother.
Okay, bye.
Getting through it.
Oh, my God, thank you, guys, for your patience.
Tick that off.
You know what? I'm gonna give you a break here.
I can't even believe you've been in a gag this whole time.
I don't have to have gags on you guys; you guys have been cool, and I should be cool back.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've been neglectful, and you know what? I bet you're hungry, right? You want a bite? - I mean yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
- Something to drink? - Yeah, yeah.
I could eat something.
- That'd be great.
- I'll scare up an omelet or something.
- I'll be right back.
- Thank you, Larry.
- Thanks, Larry.
- I found basil.
MAN: Car 62 reporting no activity.
- Copy that.
- WOMAN: Car 33 reporting no activity.
Dispatch out.
COTRIC: Alpha Bravo to Dispatch.
Fatima, go to five.
FATIMA: Yeah oh, co uh, cop-copy that.
I had so much fun last night.
- Same.
- Look it.
I-I don't think Alec's into it.
Ah, you remembered.
- Cool.
- Oh, yeah.
I mean, you don't forget somebody asking you that kind of question, grabbing onto your leg.
- [CHUCKLES] - I did that, huh? So, um, yeah, he's just not into it? Yeah, it's some stupid status thing.
He's obsessed with his status.
Oh, well, yeah.
Um, win some, you lose some.
Maybe if you spoke to Alec, you could convince him.
Uh, or maybe we just let it go.
Please, I-I really think if he just heard how cool you were, maybe he'd go for it.
Um, okay.
Sure, yeah.
Yeah, I'll try.
Okay, great.
I-I'm gonna patch him in.
Go for Delta Tango.
Hey, sweetheart? Uh, I have Fatima on the line.
I'm asking you just to listen to her.
Uh, hello? Hi, Dugan.
GREG: But in my version, a year and a half before, I had Damon on the right and Kinnear on the left.
- Which is much better.
- Okay.
Final warning, Greg.
Y-You're gonna have to shit or get off the pot of this car.
I choose to shit.
There's a sewer entry in the Laundromat where the hostages are being held, and the entranceway is on the rooftop just outside the perimeter, so Sorry h-how do you know about this so-called sewer? Urban spelunking.
[CHUCKLES]: I'm a bit of a burrow hound.
A subterranean tube nut.
So, uh, good with the plan? "Good with the plan"? Uh, no.
A series of vague directions is not a plan, Greg.
For the last time, get out.
More plan for me.
But, uh, before you say no, ask yourself this: how did I get here tonight? [DOOR CLOSES] I mean, how did he get through the perimeter? Is he suggesting he used the sewer system? Look, Cullen, he did smell like tunnel.
Ah! - Are you okay? - I was just gonna say "Aha.
Did you figure it out yet?" But I hit my head.
Just Honestly? Larry seems like a pretty good guy.
You know? I think as far as hostage takers go, we might get out of this okay.
So we need to start thinking about what our next plan is.
Okay? Why are you looking at me like that? - Why am I looking at you like this? - Yeah.
You're a huge liar and you're a cop.
[GROANS] I'm not a cop.
I'm an FBI agent.
I said something really big.
I put myself out there with you.
You said "I'm in the FBI.
" You're focusing on the wrong stuff.
I said that I loved you.
Guys, guys! Guys hey, shh.
I don't want to be a pest or a bummer, but that's too loud, okay? - Okay.
- Common sense here.
Like a library.
- Okay? - Sure, Larry.
- Got it.
- Friends at friends at a library.
- Yes.
Got it.
Thank you, Larry.
- Food's coming.
- Food's coming.
- Thank-Thanks, Larry.
This is classic selfish Marco bullshit.
You come completely unprepared, you don't think ahead as usual, I'm ten steps ahead.
This was a huge fucking oversight - on your part.
- Can you even imagine how many steps ahead I'm thinking both as Marco and as Dustin? - Clearly not enough.
- Do you oh, please.
This is classic Frankie bullshit.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Walls around your heart.
- This is classic entitled - Too afraid to get - who hurt you, Frankie? - Dustin bullshit.
[EXHALES] Hey, Larry? Hi.
Could you just, uh, re-gag me? I don't want to talk - to this garbage monster anymore.
- What? No.
- No, no.
No, no, no.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Babe, babe, babe, listen.
Don't call me "babe.
" Bye-bye.
What are you doing? Bye-bye? You're not going anywhere.
He's just gagging you.
- [GROANS] - LARRY: She doesn't want to talk.
We didn't even make a plan.
I know.
So, Tommy Lee Jones's character recurs in the movie U.
Marshals, which I mentioned earlier.
But I didn't get to tell you the entire plot of the movie.
- [MUFFLED]: Larry? - What you have to understand is that Tommy Lee Jones is a dogged investigator.
- Larry! - There is a [SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE] DUGAN: So go ahead.
Convince me.
Um I-I don't know.
Uh, maybe it would be fun.
Like, I, um, could give you a massage, and, uh, I have really strong hands.
Why do you really want to do this? Alec, would you, please? No, no, no, I get it.
I get it.
He's hot.
He's hot as shit.
Hotter than the fucking sun.
FATIMA [LAUGHS SOFTLY]: This this feels like I feel like I'm, um, on Shark Tank, and, um, I'm, like, pitching something.
Do-do you guys, um, watch Shark Tank? No, I do not like Shark Tank.
Alec likes Shark Tank.
I have not watched any of this past season.
- You have devoured it.
- Check the TiVo, Danny.
Do you want to go back to women? Is that what this is all about? No, it's not what it's about, Alec.
Just forget about it.
It's off.
It's fine.
- Well, then, what is it, Danny? - I just I said forget about it.
Connection breath.
One, two, three.
Now talk to me.
I don't know, I just I've missed Mom so much since she passed.
[COTRIC SIGHS] I think that's why.
Just something about Fatima really reminded me of her.
DUGAN: Yeah, your mom was the best.
I know this is weird, it just I wanted to be close with her one more time.
I know that must be sick.
I-I can't even imagine what Dr.
Schaefer would say about this.
No, Danny.
This is your wounded inner child speaking up.
And it's beautiful.
I'm in.
I love you.
Let's get Fatima on the line.
I'm still here.
We're in.
Um, but I'm completely out.
What? What are you talking about? I'm not into some weird sleeping with your dead mom thing.
- That's - ZACH: Oh, my Xenu.
It's you.
Of course, - of course.
It's always been you.
- Zach.
Zach, shut up.
What are you talking about? It's not like that.
Yeah, and if you knew his mother, he's making real progress here.
You should be flattered.
His mother was the best.
Oh, yeah, the best.
Hey, yeah, I don't care about his progress.
- Who are you talking to? - I'm talking to no one.
Fatima, the mom thing is just for me.
Look, I'm not gonna, like, ask you to dress up like her or anything.
Yeah, uh, no.
I don't want to do it.
- I think it's really wrong.
- What are they saying? They're not I'm say I'm talking to They're not saying anything about you.
I'm sorry.
- And I made a mistake.
- Okay Zach.
Get off - ZACH: I'm so sorry.
I made a mistake.
- FATIMA: Zach, get off.
So that's the end of act two.
Right? Act three begins in Tex Forgot to ask.
Any dietary restrictions - I should know about? - Ooh, yes.
Actually, I'm allergic to eggs.
Oh, my God.
That's huge.
- It's very serious.
- I'm glad I asked.
And you? - Do you have any dietary restrictions? - No.
No, I eat everything.
M oh, no.
Don't have any charge.
Nobody ever has a charging cable for a Droid.
Is there a cable anywhere in this place? Wait, wait, wait, Larry, get away from the window! What? I am, I'm coming back soon! MAN: Alpha Bravo, we got a figure in the window.
Is that Larry? Confirm.
ZACH: I never should've left.
- Please give me another shot.
- COTRIC: Did he say "shot"? FATIMA: Zach, stop it.
MAN: Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Shit.
My bedsheets are in flames All of my bedsheets are in flames It isn't sad for you to stay No, it isn't sad for you to stay My bedsheets are in flames All of my bedsheets are in flames.
MAN: Guh-doosh.