No Activity (2015) s03e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on No Activity - Hey, Leon.
What's up? - Good evening.
I'm Senior Detective Leon Fordham, Internal Affairs.
It's me, Tolbeck.
We went deep-sea fishing together.
Think you have me confused with someone else.
You fucked up.
And when our boss finds out, we're gonna get liquidated.
[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING, ELECTRICITY POWERS DOWN.]
- You killed BopBot.
- I said it was an accident.
CHIEF: I should go by myself, ask for a second chance.
Hey, Chief.
You be safe, okay? Good times.
Good times.
TOLBECK: Hey, there's my guy.
Hey, buddy.
How are you? - Good.
- Good.
Looks like we're doing a bonus shift.
- Yeah.
- Who are you partnered with tonight? Oh, God.
Woods.
He would not shut up about his divorce and how it's the greatest "It's the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
" - Yeah.
- Yeah, he's very sad.
- I know.
- I was with Rios.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I like him, but I think he was trying to get me to invest in his sister's pest control business.
Forget-a-bug-it? Yeah, he tried that on me last week.
Yeah, they have a humane way of killing the insects, - but I don't know.
- Listen, with this thing, let's just ten minutes in and out, okay? Ten minutes at a retirement party? I don't trust Leon.
I don't want to spend any more time with him than we have to.
Honestly, I wouldn't even be going unless he told me that you were going first.
Aw.
The only reason I'm coming is 'cause he told me you were going.
Oh, goddamn This is a Leon trap.
See, we're out.
- But wait, I got him - No, we're out.
I got him a retirement gift.
No, I don't think you know, I don't think this is a retirement party.
I think it's just Leon messing with us again.
Well, who cares? I mean, really, it's you know, it's just me and you having a drink at the end of a shift.
When was the last time we did that? Okay, but let's just not play his games, - you know what I mean? - All right, no games.
- No.
- We'll find a nice, quiet corner - away from the crowd.
- Okay.
- Okay? - All right.
And you know what, actually, let's just tell him everything up front so he can't blindside us.
Okay, I'm gonna tell him everything about the extradition debacle, the murder of the witness, the death knock, just everything.
Okay.
Hey, you know, we should come up with a safe word when we want to get out of there.
- Yes.
- How about "the"? - "The"? - Yeah, it's really subtle.
He'll never guess it's our safe word.
Okay.
And if he wants us to sing again - Keep it short and upbeat.
- No, we refuse.
No singing.
- Okay.
No singing.
- Okay.
Hey, do you want to see what I got him? Not really.
Oh, that's actually nice.
Yeah, it's a geode.
- Nature's shy diamond.
- Wow.
Yeah, I've really been getting into geodes lately.
Have you been down to Geode Ahoy? - It's on the pier.
- No, I haven't.
- It's an amazing store.
- Oh, actually, could you put my name in the card just in case? - No way.
I bought this for him.
- Oh, come on, Tolbeck.
Aw, you big, sweet dummy.
[CHUCKLES.]
You don't think I didn't put your name - on this card already? - Oh, okay.
"Congratulations.
Dear Leon: "Sayonara, tension.
Hello, pension.
Love, Cullen and Tolbeck"? Come on.
What? I put your name first.
No, "love"? Not appropriate.
- No, no, d-don't scratch it out.
- I don't - He'll know that we [SIGHS.]
- Don't care.
"Best wishes, Cullen and Tolbeck.
" - Fine.
- Okay? You ready to do this? - Yes.
- Let's do it.
LEON: Surprise! [YELLS, GRUNTS.]
Why are we being surprised? It's your party.
That's why it's surprising.
I flipped it.
Cullen, I dropped the geode.
Come on in here, party people.
Who wants cocaine? Just kidding.
Come on, guys.
So Janice hates technology and is scared of the future.
True? A shrug is your answer? Sure.
Janice, can I share with you the story of Dave? - No.
- Well, I'm going to anyway.
Dave was one of the first Homogenus, Homo habilis, and lived not too far from here about 2.
8 million years ago.
And Dave, by all accounts, was a great guy.
He was sociable.
He was a bit of a prankster.
- By what accounts? - It doesn't matter.
If you needed to dig a hole, Dave was your guy.
Until one day, a more evolved Homo habilis discovered that the shoulder blade from an ox made a great digging tool.
Mm.
What was his name? - Eric.
- Eric? Oh, wow.
A lot of middle-class white guy names back then, huh? But Dave, for all his great qualities, was stubborn.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Okay, I get it.
I'm Dave in this story, right? Fuck you.
Why don't we talk about what this really is about, shall we? Dave didn't want to use the ox blade even though the ox blade was only there to help him.
Eventually, Dave became such a dead weight that they smashed his head in and they all laughed and called him a fucking idiot because they all hated him.
Are we gonna talk about what this really is about or not?! This is about you failing to adapt to the BopBots.
This isn't about fucking robots.
Don't you dare call them robots.
This is about you and me 16 years ago, when we made that pact that we were gonna leave our spouses and run off together, but I bailed on you.
That's what this is about.
Here we are face-to-face, so let's talk about it.
Close the door.
I love it.
Thank you.
And now it's unique.
Well, every geode is unique.
That's what makes them wildly unpredictable.
Huh.
I did not know that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, and sorry.
Card.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Congratulations.
" That's lovely.
Thank you again.
You're welcome.
Welcome.
Ginseng.
Ginseng? You're wondering how my hair grew back, right? Right.
- Ginseng.
- Wow.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- They say you should shelve it for maximum growth, but that's optional.
Shelve it? Like, what, put it on a shelf? [SNICKERING.]
: Yeah, yeah.
Your internal shelf.
[CHUCKLING.]
: My internal shelf.
What, you mean like my tush? Yeah.
But that's optional.
So, Leon, where is everybody else? - It's a party, no? - Oh, yeah, no.
- The fellas are coming later.
- Great.
Yeah, I invited you two a little extra early, you know, so we could hang, just the three of us.
- Ah.
- [TOLBECK LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
You ever throw a big party, and then the next day, you think, "Oh, man, I-I hardly got to chat with my best buds"? - BOTH: Mm.
- I did not want that to happen.
Hey.
Did I hear you're dating Sophie Beyers? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Nice.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, I been there.
You've been there? Where? All the way there.
You're saying you and Sophie - Yeah.
- No, that's that's not true.
- It's not true.
- Well, it felt pretty true at the time.
Okay, Leon, I'm just gonna say it.
If this is, uh, really a going-away thing, then that's great, and I wish you the best of luck we both do but if this is some kind of game, - I'm gonna be pissed, okay? - I would never.
- Is this about Doris Silva? - I don't know who that is.
That's the prisoner I extradited from Kansas, yeah? - That's not my business.
- It's about the motel? - I - About the hospital? - Don't know what you're - Officer Brock? - I - The death knock? - No.
- I botched that, okay? I admit I freely admit I botched that.
I panicked.
I told a little girl that her mom was dead.
I was there.
It was not pretty.
No, it wasn't pretty.
And if that's what this is about, just tell me, okay? Just spare me your games.
The only game I'm interested in, Officers is Pin the Junk on the Hunk.
It's a sexy adult take on the beloved children's party game, - Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
- Fun.
- Right? - We're not playing that.
I'm not interested in the-the cop stuff anymore.
Okay? I'm done.
I'm out.
So, no more no more police questions, Officer Cullen.
Understand? That's behind me, and I'm looking forward.
Well, come here.
Sit beside me.
Look out my windshield.
- Uh, it's fine.
- Come on.
I-I want to illustrate my point.
- Okay, okay, yeah.
- You sit next to me.
- Pretend I'm driving on the right.
- Right.
- Okay.
- [SIGHS.]
What do you see? I don't know.
LEON: I see snow.
Do you see the snow? - Sure.
Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Is that snow, or is that cocaine? [LAUGHS.]
Leon, I thought you were just kidding about the cocaine.
Does it look like I'm kidding, Jon Snow? [LAUGHS.]
Winter is coming up your nose! CULLEN: Okay, we get it, we get it.
- Do you? - Yeah.
All right, well, you want to blow the whistle on this, - Eddie Snowden? - No, no, it's fine.
We're not gonna I think it's a no from us on the cocaine.
All the more grade A cocaine for me.
[SNORTS.]
Oh, that's good cocaine.
[SNIFFLES.]
Come on, Chief.
Come on.
Oh, man.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Yaya.
Hey, I'm gonna call my own phone, okay? JUDY: Huh? I-I'm gonna call my own phone to make sure that it works, dear.
What? Yaya, don't worry about it.
I'm calling myself.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- Gary, your phone is ringing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.
Thank you.
Are you going to answer it? It was just me, Yaya.
You should check your voice mail.
There might be a voice mail.
I was waiting on a call from Chief.
It's okay.
Thank you.
- Was it Chief? - Fu No, Yaya, it was me.
I did it.
Don't worry about it.
Thank you.
Is it time for my tea? [STRAINED LAUGH.]
Y-Yes! Yes.
It's time for your tea, sweetie.
Okay, okay.
You don't have to get up, Yaya.
- It's fine.
Just have a seat.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- You're fine.
You're welcome.
[SIGHS.]
Who was on the phone, Gary? [CHUCKLES.]
Fuck! Well, uh You know what, it's been a great night, - but - Mm.
- Oh, you're-you're leaving? - We should, - yeah.
We got to - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Well, um, thanks for stopping by.
- Sure.
- Gonna miss you guys.
- Oh, we'll miss you, too.
- Mm.
Is that why you crossed out "love" on my card? I'm kidding.
I know you guys don't love me, and it would've been dishonest to write that you did, so - I'll walk you out.
- No, no.
You don't need to.
Oh! - Are you okay? - No! It's my heart! - Oh, God.
- [GROANS.]
Oh, must've been all that good cocaine I did.
You know what, I'll call an ambulance.
No, I got it, I got it.
Help! I'm having a heart attack! [GROANING.]
- They're on the way.
- Who's on their way? 'Cause you didn't say who you were or where you were.
- Stand back.
- Oh, God, strippers.
How'd the paramedics get here so quick? - They're obviously strippers.
- Really? They have a boom box.
We're losing him! - He's getting cold.
- TOLBECK: Warm him up! How do you think they're gonna warm him up? Doctor, what should we do? Paramedics aren't doctors, but go on.
There's only one way to heat him up.
[MUSIC SKIPPING.]
- Oh, I think you might be right.
- You think so? - [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Yeah! Now it's a party! [WHOOPS.]
[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Let's just talk about that day.
I mean, there are things that I need to say to you, and I'm sure there are things that you need to say to me.
- You want to talk about that day? - I do.
Let's talk about it, 'cause I really want to.
That day, you see, I spent years training myself to forget it.
It wasn't until that first boarding call that it really started to dawn on me.
Till then, I just thought you were late, as usual.
But I think, deep down, I knew you weren't coming, and that's when I called you.
You remember what you said? - I don't remember.
- You said, "I can't.
" That was it.
No "I'm sorry.
" No "I need more time.
" Just "I can't.
" - Huh, that sounds like me.
- So I flew to Lima, and I took a boat out to the Galápagos.
For the first week, I didn't leave my tent.
I was broken.
Finally, around 3:00 or 4:00 a.
m.
, I stepped outside, and right in front of me was a giant tortoise, as if he'd been there the whole time just waiting for me to poke my head out.
He nuzzled into my shoulder.
So much more playful than I imagined.
Such a connection.
I ended up climbing on his back and pushing my whole body onto his.
So this is what we did, night after night, he would come to my tent and we would bond.
I guess eventually his resilience rubbed off on me.
Did you know that they can survive a year without food or water? - Whoa.
- Nothing can hurt them.
I was attracted to that.
That experience changed me, Janice.
- How long were you there for? - About five months, until one night a ranger saw us together, and that was that.
What, they kicked you off the island? Immediately.
Made me pack up, get dressed, and put me on the first boat out.
I never even got to say goodbye.
Oh.
Got dressed? You mean, like, you were naked on this tortoise? Well, I sleep naked, so yeah.
Hmm.
Got it.
So you said there were things you wanted to say to me.
Oh, I just, you know I'm just sorry how everything turned out.
That's all.
Right.
And? Uh, it was just a real bummer, you know, but, uh, wait You were fully naked on this tortoise every single night? You said there were things that you needed to say to me.
Why did you not show up? I don't know.
It was just, it was just a timing thing.
But how did you even know it was the same tortoise? I knew, Janice.
Why did you abandon me? - Who can say? - Who can say? You! - You can say! - Listen, I got to ask, and and trust me, there's no judgment here.
Okay? But this thing with the tortoise, was it a romantic situation? Get out.
That's a yes.
[SIGHS.]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING, MAN GRUNTING.]
Stop, stop.
Guys, stop.
- Sorry, guys, uh - [MUSIC STOPS.]
Nothing you did.
Really, y-y-you're both terrific.
Aren't they, guys? - Sure.
Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's-it's us.
We misread the vibe.
Our bad.
Thanks.
- That's $75 each.
- I didn't bring my wallet.
Oh, come on.
- Plus tip.
- Yeah, of course.
- I mean, uh, 75 - 150 plus tip.
Give me two.
- That's good.
- [STAMMERS.]
Well Thank you.
Thank you, really.
Outstanding work.
Just wrong room.
Okay, well, this has been something that happened to us, and now we really got to go.
- Oh, no, no.
Come on, please.
- Yeah.
Guys, we're just warming up.
You know? Hey, who wants a little nose candy? No, we're not having any cocaine.
Thank you, though.
Nobody else is coming.
What? I invited the entire department.
You guys are the only ones who RSVP'd.
[SIGHS.]
We're sorry, Leon, but that's really not on us.
We-we made an effort.
- Nobody here likes me.
- Oh.
Come on, that's not true.
They're just busy.
LEON: No, it is true.
People here don't like me.
People kind of everywhere don't like me.
Even as a child, my mother suffered from acute offspring detachment disorder.
That's what they called it anyway, but she just didn't like me.
What am I gonna do? It's a disorder, has a name.
I mean, it's not her fault, right? I guess we should, what, feel sorry for her? Or maybe love your fucking baby, you know? Hold it, cuddle it, you know? Don't go to the fucking South of France for six months of the year every fucking year.
Any wonder I ended up with five dogs? You have five dogs? Yeah.
That's another thing people don't know about Leon.
Yeah.
And let me tell you, five dogs is too many dogs.
I mean, you get a dog, and it's unconditional love coming at you, in your face, you know? Who wouldn't double down on that? So you do, and it is twice as good.
I mean, it's amazing.
You actually look forward to getting up every day.
Number three, it's not-not as great, but you think, "Well, maybe he's just an odd soul," you know? Number four loved me for, like, a day, and then he just went off and played with the others.
So now you should know better, but you're thinking, "My luck's got to change, right? It has to.
" So, against all advice, you go and you get number five, and then you realize very quickly what you are now dealing with is an entirely self-sufficient pack.
- Mm.
- And you're not the alpha.
You're, like, the understudy in a long-running production of Animals Can Shun As Well As Humans.
Whatever.
Thanks for coming.
See you never.
Maybe we can stay a bit longer.
- I won't, but you guys - Yes, you will.
LEON: That would be amazing.
You know what, let's-lets skip the appetizers and go straight to the speeches.
We didn't bring speeches, Leon.
There are no speeches.
Actually, I prepared a little something.
Awesome.
Good ol' Tolbeck.
Why? [SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE.]
BOPBOT: Hey there, Janice.
How'd you do? - Fine.
- Did he drag you over the coals? - No.
- That's great.
- He can be tough but fair.
- Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
You okay, Janice? I'm sensing you're a little down.
I don't mean to pry, but is everything okay with you? Shut the fuck up.
I'm sorry, Janice.
Yeah, good.
Just shut the fuck up.
I'll try to be quiet.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
I chickened out.
I didn't know.
Didn't know what? [SIGHS.]
Just I didn't know that was my one chance.
I thought I would have other opportunities to be happy.
Of course I should have left Wally and come to be with you.
Of course.
I gave the best years of my life to that fucktard.
God, I just didn't know.
- [SIGHS.]
- [WHISPERS.]
: Janice, I forgive you.
[EXHALES.]
Thanks.
CLINT: Janice.
What are you still doing here? Go home.
Yeah, I'm going.
And by the way, that BopBot that you spilled coffee on, you are paying for the cleaning, and it's very, very expensive.
Yeah, why? Because you fucked a giant tortoise? We were just friends! So there's a two-drink minimum, right? - [LAUGHS.]
- [LEON LAUGHS.]
So anyways, I'm on this boat with Leon, and I'm thinking, like, "Oh, no, "is this guy gonna kill me and dump my body over in the ocean?" [LEON AND TOLBECK LAUGHING.]
Hands up.
Who else has ever thought Leon was gonna kill them? - Huh? - [LEON LAUGHS.]
It's true, I scare people.
Hey, have you ever been interrogated by Leon? Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Dark little room with that one light bouncing off his bald head.
The fuck did you just say? TOLBECK: Uh, nothing, just that, uh, the light is blinding, and I got to remember to wear sunglasses next time.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm not fucking bald.
Oh.
I'm s-sorry.
- It's just a joke.
- Yeah, well, it doesn't fucking work because I'm not fucking bald.
I'm sorry.
This is material that I wrote, you know, before you came in with the, um, the ginger and stuff.
- Ginseng.
- Ginseng.
Yes.
So I'm sorry.
I was just trying to, uh, you know, give you a nice, happy send-off.
And, uh, why, exactly, would I need a send-off, Officer? - Fucking knew it.
- News flash! I'm not going anywhere! No, not a news flash, 'cause that's what I've been saying all night long, okay? And this "cocaine" that I've been hoovering up my nose is a simple B8 vitamin.
Ooh, I could do a shot of B8.
- Is there any gluten in that? - No.
- Because I have a celiac - You're not a celiac.
- I get bloated, dude.
- Officer Cullen, on the 8th of this month, you were a passenger aboard Flight JA761 from Wichita, Kansas, to San Diego; is that correct? Yes.
I told you about that.
I extradited a witness from Kansas.
I understand that.
What I do not understand is why there is a charge on a San Diego Police Department expense account for $54 for several whiskies.
An expense account that is to be used only for expenses directly relating to the transport of person or persons in custody.
Okay, I'll reimburse you for it right now.
Well, first of all, you already gave me all your money for the strippers, and second of all, the damage is done.
For $54? This is ridiculous.
Let's see how ridiculous it feels when you go down for misappropriation of funds, falsifying police records, and extortion.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Am I connected in any way? I'm just wondering why I'm here.
Leon, what is this about, actually? Well, are you deaf as well as corrupt? It's not about $54.
The amount is neither here nor there.
Look, I am sorry that your five dogs don't love and respect you.
Okay? And I'm also sorry that nobody else showed up - to your little party.
- It's not a party.
It's a trap, which you walked right into! I'm also sorry that we crossed out the word "love" on your card.
And you know what, that was me.
He wrote it.
I crossed it out.
I didn't think it was appropriate.
Okay? But I-I apologize now because I understand how hard it is to make friends and just to be liked by people.
I mean, we're going through that right now.
Okay? We got different partners every other night of the week, and it's hard to make friends.
- Most of them suck.
- Wait, you guys You're not together anymore? - No.
- TOLBECK: No, no, we've been separated like a couple of naughty Japanese schoolgirls.
What? Or naughty kids, you know, talking too much in class.
It's hard, that's all.
CULLEN: My point is you're right.
People don't like you.
'Cause you're scary and intense.
'Cause you wear a scary, intense mask that you put on.
We all see that.
But you don't have to be afraid like that.
Don't have to.
- It's hard being a cop sometimes.
- Hey, tell me about it.
Look at me.
I'm back in patrol.
I'm back at the bottom.
You know, I-I was ready to throw it all away, but this guy, he picked me up again.
'Cause all we have at the end of the day is each other.
We're family here.
We're family, Leon.
You just need to stop playing the games and let us help you.
Yeah.
I I'm sorry I messed with you guys all night.
That's okay.
That's okay.
And you're right.
I'm just lonely.
And you don't have to be.
Not anymore.
Come here.
Come on.
There you go.
There you go.
[GRUNTING SOFTLY.]
TOLBECK: Should I join this hug or no? It just feels super intimate, but it feels kind of weird just sitting here watching.
I should No, you know, you guys go ahead.
Enjoy yourself.
Yeah, really? I'm gonna do it? Okay, yeah, I'm gonna do it.
I'm doing it.
I'm joining.
Okay, great.
Thank you so much.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
[SIGHS.]
: Ah.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
- Thank you.
- Hey, don't thank us.
It was all you.
And you know what? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
You know, I Don't.
It's okay.
I love you guys.
We got to get going.
Thanks for a great night.
Congratulations on your breakthrough, Leon.
- Tolbeck, come on.
- We're really proud of you.
[MUTTERS.]
Jesus Christ.
[PHONE CHIMES, VIBRATES.]
If you are watching this, I have flipped.
What the fuck? I know it was your idea, but you were right.
It's the only way out.
Besides, we couldn't have both flipped at the same time.
The cops always get one guy to rat on the other.
I didn't want to put you in that position.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You fucker.
You fucker, you fuck I love you, man.
I know we don't say it ever.
I'll leave a gap so you can say it back.
- Fuck you! Fuck! - Thank you, man.
Thank you.
I felt that, right here.
Thank you.
So, I suppose you'll be on the run now.
I'll be rooting for you.
- See you on the flip side.
- Fuck! - What was that? - Nothing, Yaya! - Are you all right, darling? - No! - What's wrong? - No, I'm just dead.
I'm just fucking dead! That's all.
I'm just dying soon! Shit!