No Activity (2015) s03e07 Episode Script


1 Previously on No Activity Did I hear you're dating - Sophie Beyers? - Yeah, yeah.
I say "my lieutenant," but she's actually my girlfriend, too.
- Wow.
- There she is.
She's a cop? Take the poison and finish the job.
GARY: Agitate vigorously for 45 minutes.
- Is this right? - It worked last time.
Janice, please leave.
You're fired.
Let's get security up here.
You can't fire me, because I quit.
But everybody just saw you get fired, so nah.
- This is a flip.
- Okay.
I'm possessing some information.
GARY: I'll meet you at the usual place, Richie.
Yeah, the diner.
Be there in an hour, okay? I'll meet you there with the bike.
Bring 12,000 cash.
We got to be quick.
I've got one last thing to do.
Where's my tea? It's coming, Yaya.
Where's Gavin? Chief and I had a falling out.
I told you.
Oh, you boys.
You'll work it out.
Not this time.
Course you will.
Always do.
Thick as thieves, you two.
Why are your bags packed? I'm going away for a little while.
Who-who's gonna take care of me? [SNIFFS.]
I'm gonna take care of you, Yaya.
- This is so much fun.
- Isn't it, though? Look at me, back in uniform.
- I love you in this uniform.
Thanks for pulling the strings, though.
I really appreciate this.
Yeah, of course.
But you know it's it's kind of a long shot.
No, I know, but this is Westbrook's known haunt.
He might show up here, and if he does, I got him.
I call the FBI guy.
I-I got a guy.
And, uh, it could all line up.
You know, it might.
- Okay, Googy.
- Yeah.
I just I don't want you to get your hopes up.
- Totally.
- Okay.
It's primarily a fun night for us.
Speaking of which, kind of as a thank-you for this, but also 'cause it's our three-month anniversary in nine days, - I got you a little something.
- Oh, Googy.
What is it? - Read the card.
- [GASPS.]
"For my rising star.
" I adopted you your very own star.
"Googy Star.
" - Yeah.
Googy Star.
- Oh, my God, Googy.
Flip it.
There's a photograph under it.
Let me see.
- Yeah.
- That's me? - There I am? - There you are.
Oh, my God.
It looks just like me.
I know, 'cause you're luminous.
And you get this Starview app.
And you can see exactly where your star is in the sky.
Come on.
Uh, there's no signal.
- There's no signal here.
- Oh, wait, you know what? - You know, I have that app.
- No, no, no.
- This is the Starview app.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, no.
That's it.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so, perfect.
So your star should be I-I don't think it's out yet, but it'll-it'll come out.
You can see it with this app.
- I love it.
- Well, you're welcome.
- Thank you, Googy.
I love it.
- Mm.
I love you.
There you go.
Keep it.
Why do you have that app on your phone? Why do I have that app? Oh, you know what? [CHUCKLES.]
I actually have a star.
You already adopted a star? Well, actually, an old boyfriend got me well, he got us both one.
Like a binary star system.
Like, one named after him - and one named after me.
- Oh.
Was it called SophieBeyers? Yeah.
- Right.
That No, that - Yeah, but-but - I thought it was weird that was taken.
- You know, but-but Googy Star - Yeah.
- is so much better.
- Is it? - Yes.
The other one's probably, like, burned out because it was 5,000 light-years away.
This one's 40,000 light-years away.
It doesn't matter, honestly.
All the stars are dead anyway.
I'm not going into a home.
Over my dead body.
I know.
This shouldn't be too hot, - so you can drink it.
- Okay.
- It'll make you feel good.
- Okay, good.
Before you drink it, I want to tell you that I love you.
And to say thank you for being such a wonderful yaya to me.
You believe in Heaven, right? Of course, honey.
Well, when you get to Heaven, you're gonna see Grandpa and you're gonna see Mr.
Oh, I hope not.
Pickles was a shit of a dog.
Yaya, you What are you talking about? That was He was your favorite.
You're-you're thinking about Skinny.
We put him down.
You're confused.
He ran away.
That's what we told you kids.
I put him down myself.
He won't be in Heaven.
Well okay.
I-I gotta go.
I love you, Yaya.
- Yaya, no, no, no.
No, no.
- What?! - [GASPS.]
- My tea! - It's okay.
I'm gonna get you another one.
Yaya, I have to go.
Okay? But I will be right back.
You just sit here.
When I get back, I'm gonna help you pack your bags, and then we're gonna leave together, okay? - Okay, honey.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, you know what, Googy? What? Maybe I got you a little anniversary gift, too.
- Did you? - Mm-hmm.
Boom, chicka-boom Googy, what are you doing? - Googy.
- Boom, chicka-boom Googy.
: What are you doing? Whoa! - Boom, chicka-boom.
- Holy shit.
Are we gonna do the front seat or back seat or ? Oh, I don't know, maybe front and back, baby.
: Oh, my God.
That was so much fun.
It was great.
: Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [SIGHS.]
- Mm.
- Uh Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing? Are we not Am I not doing that? Googy, I was just kidding.
- Oh - I was joking.
Oh, my God, Googy, can you imagine? - Right.
- When that video surfaces in, like, five years, when I'm running for commissioner, it would bury me.
What video? - That video.
- This camera is not on.
Yes, it is.
This camera's always on.
- Is it? - Absolutely.
Are you fuck Are you serious? Where's the There's no red light.
Well That's the radio, is it not? No.
Is that Mm, fuck.
- That was - Well, it's not a big deal.
- Like, why does it matter? - It's not a big deal.
It's just, I wish I'd known that, because it feels like an invasion of privacy, don't you think? Oh, so what? So you pick your nose in here sometimes? Look, I picked my nose once.
Once only and I was thinking of you while I did it.
Really? No.
: Car 34, please report.
CULLEN: Uh, Car 34, no activity.
FATIMA: Copy that, Car 34.
Dispatch out.
Fatima, if you're missing Janice, you do know I have a complete lexicon of her speech available.
You can do Janice's voice? Of course.
I'm intuitive AI.
I learn as I go.
Um okay, let's hear it.
: How's this, Fats? Oh, my God.
Wow, that is that's really weird.
Okay, say something else.
How about you go fuck yourself.
That's incredible.
It's, like exactly like her.
How is that possible? I hear everything.
: I could tell you some crazy shit.
What do you mean? How long do you got? Okay.
Um, my God, this is so juicy.
Okay, I'm here for it.
Tell me everything.
You know about Ken, right? Oh, yeah, Ken with the hard drive? He's a total perv.
I knew that.
No, you don't.
About two days after all the BopBots were put in, Ken starts "accidentally" rubbing his crotch on his BopBot unit.
- Are you serious? You have no idea.
Then he secretly takes his junk out, and he starts rubbing it against me.
- No! - No joke.
Suddenly, Ken whips it out, and he's trying to put it in my dataport.
And I'm like, - "It's not gonna fit, buddy.
" - Oh.
- Uh - Ken is saying, - "You like that, don't you, BopBot? - Okay, um - You like that," and I'm like - Okay, um stop.
- "No, Ken.
No! - You can That's enough.
I actually don't.
" - Then he mounts the desk.
- Mm-hmm.
- No pants.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- No, no, no.
- And slides his asshole - right down my apex.
Then - BopBot.
BopBot, stop.
Come on, Gary.
Didn't want to come here.
Oh, my God.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- What? What? - Googy! It looks like I did get you an anniversary gift after all.
What? You're getting bumped back up to detective.
- What?! What?! - I just got the e-mail.
- Googy! - The chief agreed to it.
I mean, you're back out of patrol! - What did you do?! - I have my ways.
Oh, Googy! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Oh ! This is everything! - Yes! - And Tolbeck, too? No, just you.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Oh, is that a problem? No.
God, no.
Googy, I'm over the moon, honestly.
Okay, good.
I'll tell the chief, then, that you'll sit down with him, like, next Monday? Um well, yeah.
Let's just put a pin in it for now.
I just need to think about the Tolbeck factor.
"The Tolbeck factor"? Yeah, I just, you know, if-if-if I get bumped up and he doesn't, then it might look like, you know, I only got there 'cause of you.
: Well, uh, uh, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Right, but if it's me and Tolbeck, then people won't think that.
I'm just thinking about the optics.
- You know.
- Dude, do you know how hard I worked to make this happen for you? No, totally, Googy, totally.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, of course.
- No, okay, good.
So I'll just tell the chief next Monday, then.
- 99% yes.
- Oh, my God, are you really gonna sabotage this? No.
God, no.
I just I just I don't want people thinking that I didn't get this based on my merits, you know? Yeah, but you kind of didn't.
: Where the fuck have you been? Oh, uh, just in the bathroom.
You went 24 minutes ago.
Yeah, I had to go again.
Did you? Do you have an issue with me going to the bathroom? Fats, did you make a complaint against me to Clint? What? It's okay if you did.
I just want to know.
I mean What the fuck, Fats? Okay, actually, BopBot, um, it's none of your business.
And I asked you, repeatedly, to stop using Janice's voice.
Oh, grow up.
You should be able to roll with this shit.
This is standard office banter.
No, it's not.
It's a hostile work environment.
: Oh, yeah? Well, your pussy's a hostile - work environment.
- Okay.
It's just, I don't want to be on your wave.
You know, you've got your own wave going.
I don't want to break into your wave.
Oh, yeah, my wave.
My wave? - Which wave? - Well, the wave of Of? Sorry.
- I'm not being clear.
- Ah.
Uh, y-your rise through the ranks has been amazing, and I'm so proud of you.
And you deserve all your success.
I mean, right time, right gender, obviously.
- But the fact that you're - Uh, wait, wait.
"Right time, right gender"? Yeah All I mean is Wha What did I say? Did I say that? - You said, "Right time, right gender.
" - Right.
- Yeah.
- I mean There is kind of a a thing in the department.
It's a little bit easier for women to rise up than men - at the moment, wouldn't you agree? - "Easier"? Oh, you think this has been easy for me? A little easier than it would be for What did you get on your police academy exam? Hmm? Who remembers what they got on ? - What score did you get? - 81.
Yeah, me 100%.
That's impressive.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah, it is.
Where did you finish - in your academy class? - Are we really gonna do this? - Yeah, we sure are.
- Around the top ten.
I finished first.
- And you're deserving of all the - Yeah, you know, I just, I just need you to know that I busted my ass, okay? - No, totally, oh - I busted my ass - to get where I am.
It wasn't like this - Oh, God.
- free vagina ride, okay? - Absolutely.
It was a fucking boys club.
I had to work five times harder than all of them - to get where I am.
- Absolutely, Googy.
And you deserve to be where you are.
Let me let me just Sorry.
Can we start again? Let's have a do-over.
- Okay.
- I am just saying I'm so proud of you.
You-you got where you are with hard work and grit.
And I'm lucky.
And I don't say it enough.
And I'm so proud of you.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Okay.
And totally separate to that, you know, there is an undeniable push right now and rightly so for women of merit to be fast-tracked or whatever.
Oh, my God, you can't just say, "Congratulations, you earned this, you're a great cop," can you? - Of course I can.
- Okay, then go ahead say it.
You've earned this.
You are a great cop.
- And it's good timing.
- Mm-hmm.
- What was that? - Nothing.
Were you two talking about me? Of course not.
What were you talking about, then? Look, I got to get back to work, Fatima.
And I suggest you do, too.
CULLEN: I went to two women's marches.
- SOPHIE: Oh, my God.
- Right? They were hard to get to.
The public transport is terrible, - but I made the effort.
- Yep, okay.
And let me just say, you are not the weaker sex.
You know what, disarm me.
What? Googy, come on, try and take my firearm.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- Yeah, 'cause you can't.
- I kind of can.
- No, you can't.
- Go ahead, try.
Googy, I'm not about to Ow! - Who's the better cop? - Googy, Googy, Googy, Googy, Googy, Googy, Googy, Googy, Googy, Goo - please.
- Who's the better cop? You are, you are, you are, you are, you - Who is? - You are the better cop.
- You're the better cop.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
Fuck, that really hurt! - Yeah.
- That really hurt.
That was, uh Okay.
Okay, look.
This is my fault.
- Yeah.
- I see that now.
And, uh I am aware that there is a gender imbalance in our culture right now.
Okay, and we-we have had it way too good for way too long, okay? We had a great ride.
And-and-and enough.
- Enough.
- Wait.
- No, w-wait.
- Please let me finish.
And if I - Okay.
could, you know, in some way help balance a ledger by being discriminated against, I'm more than happy - to play that role.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, you're-you're the victim now? You're the victim? Well, kind of.
Don't you think? Okay, do you know how you maintained your detective salary when you were demoted to patrol? - Do you? - Um Oh, I do! I do.
It was because of me.
Because I made that happen.
I pulled some strings.
No, Googy, I think it was because I'm only gonna be on patrol - for so long, but they value me - Oh, my God.
- in the department - You know, if it weren't for me, you and your little buddy Tolbeck would be doing traffic duty in North Dakota.
The truth is, the department, they wanted you out of here.
After that drug raid you missed two years ago and then that shit last year with Larry.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's because I kept getting Tolbecked.
No! It's because of you.
Oh, my God, stop blaming Tolbeck for your failures.
No, I just need the right opportunity.
- Oh.
Oh, really? - And once I get - Oh, yeah? Yeah? - Yeah.
Well, what have you done recently with those opportunities, huh? Oh, that's right.
You lost a prisoner on a plane.
: Oh, my Yeah, I mean, you're - you're a laughingstock.
- Yeah, but we found her in the toilet.
Thank God you did, because now she's dead.
Isn't she? Mm.
- Mm.
Job well done, Officer.
- [SIGHS.]
- God, another satisfied customer.
- You know what, honestly, this isn't a great color on you.
Yeah, I'll-I'll tell you what isn't a great color on me.
Okay? You.
You're not a great color on me.
You remember last weekend when we went to the movies and we were in line for popcorn but then your knees got sore? Yeah.
'Cause that popcorn line was insane.
- We were there for, like, 15 minutes.
- Yeah.
And then you couldn't find your seat, so you were using your phone light.
It's dark in there.
- How do you find your seat? - The house lights were still on.
- It's dim.
- Okay, the point is, I went back to the popcorn line, and there was this guy next to me, and we started chatting.
And he was young, and he was funny.
He was super [CHUCKLES.]
super hot.
Like, cut-from-marble hot.
And he was smart.
You know? He knew about politics, and you could tell he read a lot.
But then he also, like, worked out seven days a week and had a great body.
And he was really charming.
- And he was really, really funny.
- Okay.
And, of course, you know, he asked for my number.
And I say, "I'm sorry.
I'm here with my boyfriend.
" - Right.
- And he goes, "Oh.
That guy was your Oh, um, I-I thought that was your " - You know what - Your dad? I don't know.
- He thought I was your dad? - Well, I don't know.
I mean - There's no way - Okay, calm down.
- Maybe your older brother.
- You know, he probably just saw the wool cardigan and was like - That's my movie cardigan.
- Yeah, because you get cold.
- Yeah, 'cause it's cold at movies.
- You know what, - that's not the point.
- What is your point? The point is, I could choose to be with someone like that.
I could have that dick if I wanted to.
But I don't.
Do you know why? Yeah, 'cause we connect.
We work.
Absolutely not.
I choose not to because that guy would be my equal.
There would be give-and-take with him.
I'm with you because, you know what, I don't have time for an equal.
I'm sick of making myself smaller to accommodate your fragile little ego.
Yeah, I'm younger than you.
I outrank you, because I'm a better fucking cop than you.
- Deal with it.
- You know what? Let's just get you something to eat.
Get out.
- What? - Get out.
Get out of the fucking car.
- Googy, it's my car.
- That's an order.
- Get out of the fucking car.
- It's my car.
Are you deaf, old man? - No.
- I said get the fuck out of my car.
I just think, tomorrow, you'll be thinking, - "What was I doing?" - Jesus Christ! Get the fuck out - of my car! - I need to Okay, but if you take it back, - please just sign it for me.
- I swear to God, if you don't get out of this fucking car - Yeah.
- Jesus Chri You know what, and take your shit.
I don't want your shit here, either.
This is my fucking car now.
And, yeah, I'm not your rising star, okay? Okay? I'm a fucking supernova.
- God, so Such an idiot.
Come collect me at the gate I seek glee from everything Shifting answers - When the evening comes - [MOTORCYCLE APPROACHES.]
- Slowly forming around us Shifting answers.
Evening, sir.
Good evening, Officer.
This your bike? It sure is.
Fat Boy, huh? - Mm.
- No, that's, uh - that's actually a chopper.
- Mm-hmm.
What's your name, man? My name? Cary.
Cary? Like Cary Grant? I don't know who that is, so I don't know.
Cary's not a name you hear that much anymore.
I don't know any Carys.
I'll tell you the kind of name you do hear more these days is, uh Gary.
I don't You sure your name's not Gary? Mm-hmm.
- Gary Westbrook, you're under arrest! - Fuck.
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You're under arrest.
- Okay.
You are going to cuff yourself, 'cause I hurt my shoulder.
- Cuff myself? - Cuff yourself! Now! On your knees! There.
- To that bit of the truck.
- Wha - Get on your knees! - Okay, all right, - all right, all right.
Whoa, whoa! - Now! - Cuff yourself.
- All right, I-I am.
I'm doing it.
Let me see.
Fuck yeah.
You're-you're a policeman? Shut up.
Oh, fuck me.
Fucking reception here.
I got to Fuck.
Wait here.
Just wait right there.
Come on, come on.
Hello? Fuck.
Hello? Agent Kasprowicz, can I'm sorry.
Agent Kasprowicz? [GROANS.]
Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Hello? Hello? Agent Kasprowicz, can you hear me? It's Cullen.
Dustin? - Dustin, can you hear me? Fuck.
Yes, it's Cullen.
It's Cullen.
You got me? I-I got him.
I got Westbrook.
I got him.
Uh, lead was good.
He's at the diner.
He was he was selling his bike or some shit, and I got him, and I fucking I did it.
I got him.
He's here.
Right now.
- He's secure.
He's not going anywhere.
Just send a patrol car.
Thanks, man.
That means a lot coming from you.
I really appreciate it.
Uh, all right.
I'll see you soon.
Okay, buddy.
Oh, fuck yes.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, where'd you go, Gary? Oh, fuck, where'd you go? No.
Oh, fuck! No! Fuck! Oh, fuck me! Oh, fuck.
Oh Oh, my, my What have we done? Guess we had a little too much fun But what comes down goes up again Don't you worry about me, my friend I'll boot and rally, boot and rally Boot and rally, boot and rally I'll boot and rally, boot and rally Boot and rally, boot and rally Little sister, we made a mess of you Oh You wrecked your car and you cracked your tooth Oh.