No Activity (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Night 35
1 WOMAN: San Diego PD.
Update on the Las Hormigas Cartel activity.
Intel suggests the shipment could be as large as 18 tons, but we just don't know when it's gonna land.
We have Car 27 on the eastern perimeter, and I guess we'll hold 'em there.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's nice.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Are the noises necessary? Yeah, absolutely.
Ooh, that is good.
Whew! You want to give it a try? - Head massage? - Pass.
- You sure? - Yeah.
All right, well Hey, do you mind doing me? [SIGHS.]
I'd rather not.
Come on, it's really good when I do it myself, but it's so much better - when someone else does it.
- Really? Yeah.
Oh, fine.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Mmm, yeah.
[MOANING.]
Oh.
Don't you stop.
Don't you dare stop.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Faster.
Okay, yes, yes, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- You must know what you're doing.
- I don't hear it.
I'm just into this thing.
Don't stop, please.
Yeah.
Come on, I'm almost there.
- Almost.
- Almost where? Just to the level of pleasure, - complete relaxation.
- I No, no, no.
- I'm not comfortable.
- Okay, fine.
I really regret buying that for you now.
FATIMA [OVER RADIO.]
: Car 27, please report.
More authority.
Louder.
Car 27, please report.
TOLBECK: Car 27.
No activity.
Who is this? It's Fatiga.
Fatiga? Fatiga? Fatayga? Fatima.
Fatima.
It's her first day, guys.
- Yeah? - Uh hello there from Car 27.
This is Detective Cullen.
Uh, and Detective Tolbeck.
Uh, there's no activity currently, but, uh, it's nice to have you here.
I hope you're settling in, uh, just fine.
- No activity.
- Copy that.
Uh, Car 27 to Dispatch.
Fatima, are you there? Yes, Car 27? Oh, God.
What is that? [GASPS.]
No.
He's got a gun.
- He's got a gun! - Uh, Car 27? - Oh, my God! Don't shoot! - Are you there? - Aah! Oh, God! - Oh, he's shooting! Oh! Car 27? Uh, is everything oka? Jesus Christ, put it away! - Car 27? - Put it away! - Quickly! - Janice, what do I do? [SIREN WAILING.]
- [IMITATING SIREN.]
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Car 27, please grow up.
CULLEN: Apologies.
Yeah, we're sorry.
Uh, welcome to the team.
Welcome aboard.
And did you have a siren on during a stakeout? TOLBECK: Um no, I don't think we did? Idiots.
Now I'm gonna have to write you up.
Well, if you have to write it up, it was Tolbeck.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
JANICE: Look, sometimes you got to roll with that kind of stuff.
89% of new dispatch recruits quit after the first month.
Really? That seems - aggressively high.
- Yeah, well, I don't have the data to back it up, but I've been here long enough to feel that's just about right.
So can you handle this job or not? I don't know.
I mean maybe.
I'm still figuring it out.
I haven't decided yet.
- I'm sorry? - I mean I'm under no obligation to settle on a career right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm still open to so many things.
I mean, maybe I'll open a-a scuba shop, or maybe I'll be a rap producer.
I've always been interested in buying and-and flipping things, - probably juice bars, you know? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, pretty much, you just add turmeric to all the drinks, and then get rid of it, flip it.
Bing bong.
What's that? "Bing bong"? Oh, bing bong.
That's something Tabitha and I started you know, when we had enough of a certain conversation, we'd say, "Bing bong.
" It's remarkably effective shorthand.
And I was thinking maybe that's something you should adopt.
Okay, um so when do I do I - Is it, like - Bing bong.
What is that? Huh? Oh.
I just got this.
Cool, right? This is for, like, tough guys, you know? You pull this out boom, don't fuck with me.
You know, I'm just checking a text, but, like don't fuck with me.
And this trigger is hooked up to the phone itself, 'cause it's all plugged in, - so if, when I answer it - [CLICK.]
Hello.
That's cool.
Right? And then when I'm done - All right, I'll talk to you later.
- [CLICK.]
- Also cool.
- That is the best feature, but it looks - fucking ridiculous.
- I thought you were gonna think this was so fucking cool.
So you bought that - to try and, like, impress me? - No, I bought it 'cause I liked it, but I did think to myself, "Angus is gonna love this.
Should I get him one?" And now I guess I'm glad I didn't.
How fucking long are we supposed to wait here? I don't get it.
I-I don't understand.
Th-There's a hotel ten minutes away, The Castaway, they've got a 24-hour breakfast buffet.
We could be eating right now.
Now, we're sitting in this fucking smelly box.
We'll wait as long as he wants us to wait.
Okay, that's the job.
We're being paid to wait.
- Yeah, I understand that.
- When you're running your own cartel you can put us all up in a hotel with 24-hour room service.
Th-That's exactly what I would do.
- [CLOWN HORN RINGTONE PLAYS.]
- Oh.
Here we go.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Oh-ho-ho.
- Ah.
- What's it say? Hang on.
- Oh, fuck.
- What? [SIGHS.]
- Marco, what?! - Hang on a second! [GROANS.]
- [SETS PHONE DOWN.]
- Speak.
My mom's cat got out.
Are you fucking kidding me? That's your reaction to that news? And why are why is your mom texting you about her fucking cat right now? Doesn't she know you're working? It's an emergency, Angus! It's an indoor cat, and it's out! Do do you not get that? It's my mom's cat! - Is out! Of the house! - I think we have different definitions of emergencies.
Yeah.
I guess so, 'cause this is one.
Oh, man.
I need a haircut.
Can you believe this? - Can I believe it? - Mm-hmm.
No, I can't.
That's unbelievable.
[SIGHS.]
: Oh, man.
You know, I got this haircut when we started this stakeout.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
The night we started.
'Cause I wanted to look good.
You were talking about how we're gonna, you know, be in these, like, news photos behind the big drug bust, - we're gonna be big heroes.
- You're saying your hair is long now? - Yeah.
This is long.
- Uh that's long? It's a baby Afro.
Yeah.
I mean I don't think I've ever noticed your hair changed the whole time we've been together.
In 11 years, you've never noticed my hair's been cut, - short, long - Did you say 11 years? - Yeah.
- We have not been together for 11 years.
- We have been together 11 years.
- No.
Last year was our tenth year together.
I got you the watch on our tenth anniversary.
- This watch? - Yes.
Is that why you gave this to me? Yes.
It was for our tenth anniversary.
I even got an inscription on the back.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
You never read it? - No.
- It's been a year.
"To the best partner I could ever wish for.
" There you go.
That's really nice.
Yeah, you're welcome.
That makes more sense.
I really didn't know why you gave that to me.
MARCO: I'm dressed like an adult, Angus.
I'm dressed like an adult who's doing a job.
You're dressed like a child.
The other day I woke up, and you were over there pissing, and I looked and I thought there was a kid over there.
Honest to God, I thought a kid had gotten in the box.
I know exactly what this is about.
You've been doing this for the last three years, just trying to father me, mold me into becoming a version of you.
Just like you try to do this tough guy thing whenever - we're taking care of something.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Your crazy guy thing is what we should be doing? - You think your crazy guy routine - It's unpredictable.
It's predictably unpredictable, I'm afraid.
Oh.
Give me one second.
Yeah, sure.
Psycho eyes, head tilt.
Grit the teeth.
Give me the combination to the code, motherfucker.
Hmm? Give me the combination to the code.
- Blink your eyes.
- That's not bad.
- That's good.
- Blink your eyes, motherfucker.
- Blink your eyes! - Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- That's good.
That's good.
- All right, so - It's not bad.
I just - Believe me, I get it.
I get it.
We all, when we're younger, do crazy guy 'cause crazy guy's, frankly, easier.
- Right? - No, it's not.
It's not easier.
Oh, please.
You don't think I could do crazy guy? - Show me.
- Okay, great.
What did you? You said - psycho peepers? - You know what? Hey.
- Psycho peepers? Ready? Ready? - Yeah.
- Psycho eyes.
- Okay.
Sure.
Oh, oh, and the neck, okay.
- Cock the head, grit the teeth.
- Yeah, sideways look.
I don't know that I'll do the teeth thing.
You don't know if I'm fucking looking at you.
- Sure, sure.
- How about that? - [SNIFFLING.]
- I mean, that's just, like deranged.
Hey, man.
Hey.
What's the combination to the safe? What's the com? [LAUGHING.]
What's the combination to the safe? See? Crazy.
Unpredictable.
They don't know.
The person doesn't want to help the crazy person.
Right? Ask nice, and this is the threat.
You don't have to both have this and crazy eyes.
Now, the person doesn't know what to do.
- The person is now - Exactly.
- So they comply.
- No, they don't.
They shit their pants and freak out.
I used to do what you do, but for me, now, I realize, I get a lot more done - You didn't do what I did.
- Shut up.
What's the combination to the safe? Do you know the combination to the safe? - I don't want to kill you, man.
- Liam Neeson? Am I Liam Neeson? I mean, I'm just trying to figure out who you're channeling.
- Here.
- No, I'm doing me.
I don't do Liam Nee - He's foreign.
- You're not doing you, man.
- That's - I'm not even doing an accent.
Okay, okay, okay, just-just shut the fuck up for one second.
All right, fine.
Fine! I can't even - hear myself think.
- [CLOWN HORN RINGTONE PLAYS.]
Fuck.
My mom is freaking out.
Aw.
She's using emojis now? But she's using the water symbol, which she thinks means crying, but it just seems like my mom's just telling me how wet she is.
JANICE: No.
Put my laptop down and go to sleep.
We'll talk about it in the morning.
Good-bye.
[SIGHS.]
- Sorry, I - Yeah.
hate to talk about personal matters at work.
That's okay.
It's fine.
It's just that Mason's at home alone, he's not used to it, and he's become a terror.
Boys will be boys.
Especially boys with a laptop, if you know what I mean.
- Well I think - I'll tell you what's going on.
- Yeah, I think you're - I'll tell you what's going on.
Yeah.
He's 15, he's home alone, he's got my laptop - Yeah.
- and he's whacking off, okay? - Yeah.
- He's whacking off.
And I won't even tell you what's going on in the bathroom.
It looks like a CSI frat house in there.
You put one of those black lights all over it, - it'd be everywhere.
Everywhere.
- Yeah.
It's probably all over me right now.
It's probably on you when I came in and brushed against you.
It'd be on your back, on the back of your neck, - around your mouth, on your coffee cup - Wait.
- Why would it? - on the pencil that you put in your mouth.
You'd be completely white.
Why would it be here? You'd look like Casper the Friendly Ghost.
- And you know what? I get it.
- Mm-hmm.
It's natural.
Okay, I'm not here to judge.
But what bothers me is the fact that he's not using his imagination.
- Yeah.
- Right? And your brain is a muscle, all right? - Right.
- And you have to exercise that muscle.
You know, I'd like it if one day, maybe I'd brought him in here, and he'd take one look at your ears, and he'd get excited by it, and that would turn him on.
He'd go over there and whack off about it.
You know, just a little bit of your-your-your wrist, your pinky, anything, just to arouse him without the goddamn screen, without the goddamn my screen.
That's a good point.
I mean, a lot of A lot of people now think that the natural ending to lovemaking is, like, when he finishes on on a female's face, and, like or-or, like, on her breasts.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm talking about the innocence of a 15-year-old boy, and you're talking about hard-core pornography, okay? And this isn't the place for that kind of talk, all right? Bing bong.
God, this is boring.
Mm.
I mean why do they keep us in the dark like this? I mean, they could they could trust us with some scrap of information, you know? If the Las Hormigas Cartel is bringing in Whoa, whoa.
Spoiler alert.
I didn't know the Las Hormigas Cartel was part of this.
Geez, thanks a lot.
- You read the briefing? - I skimmed it.
Why do I want to read the novel when I'm gonna be in the movie? Yeah, but if the Las Hormigas Cartel is bringing - in a drug shipment, we should - La-la, la-la, la-la-la I don't want to hear this, I don't want to hear.
[OVER RADIO.]
: This is Greg from port security.
Do you read me? Yes, Greg from port security.
I remember you from five minutes ago.
What's up? Okay, well, this is probably out of my jurisdiction.
Uh, you don't have a jurisdiction.
Well, uh, call it professional courtesy then.
Uh, as per our previous discussion regarding unusual or suspicious activity, I wanted to report the formation of a dark cloud over the eastern perimeter.
No, that doesn't qualify, and I'm not sure why you think it would.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Yeah, well, it's probably nothing.
But, um dark cloud is usually a classic metaphor for foreboding, and I thought that might be pertinent to the investigation.
Uh, no, thanks.
All right, as colleagues, then, I thought just, perhaps, we could share intel.
I will appraise you of the activity in my sector, and you guys, quid pro quo, let me in on the investigation.
I already said no, Greg.
Well, I already told you about the, uh, dark clouds, so it's a little late for that.
How about the "quo" part of the "quid pro quo"? Okay, I'll just let you know that I am qualified to handle sensitive information.
I passed the TSA online course six months ago.
I was in the top percentile.
[STATIC.]
Check.
Are you? Can you hear me? [STATIC.]
You had to give this guy a fucking walkie-talkie, - didn't you? - I'm sorry.
[STATIC.]
Base to car, base to car.
[STATIC.]
MARCO: I'm trying to get high-speed Internet hooked up at my house.
Only, after about an hour, the guy's not there yet.
I start getting antsy, so figure I'll start cleaning out the garage.
We've got all these, like, rolls of carpet.
It's like this heavy, beautiful, tapered, dark shag carpeting.
Used to be all over the house, but, like, it has this gold fleck that, like, catches the light in a way that is It's dynamite, honestly.
And about I don't know what, a year and a half ago, I had that, uh, crack in the garage.
- Yeah, I remember.
- Yeah, right? I told you all about that.
- Yeah, I remember.
- The gutter came loose, and so water came in the southern wall.
- So, guess what.
- What? Mold.
So, got rid of all of that.
It's noon at this point.
Is the guy there? - No.
- Has the guy come? - No.
- Has the guy called? No.
You're not wrong.
Cactus Ken, meanwhile, is blowing me up 'cause I'm supposed to give him some grappling hooks for a job he's doing, but I tell him, "Listen, dude, I'm waiting "for high-speed Internet guy to come and hook it up.
"I can't come to you until he comes to me and finishes up.
" Finally, I feel bad, I'm like, "Fine, I'll come over there.
I'll drop off the grappling hooks.
" I leave a note for the guy.
Guess what.
I cannot find my car keys.
I go up to the bathroom.
I don't know.
Maybe I put 'em there.
Somehow, a snake had gotten in through the window, so I kill the snake, I look around the bathroom.
No keys in the bathroom.
I go to the bedroom.
I'm looking through, like, all the pockets of all the clothes that I wore yesterday, - all the clothes I wore last - [GROANS.]
- Oh, my God.
I can't - What? You are the master of the boring story.
What does that mean? You spend all this time talking about fucking carpet, and then you just skipped right over all of the interesting parts.
[SCOFFS.]
Wow.
Okay, fine.
I mean, what about Y-You said you killed a snake, right? - Yeah.
- You just passed right by that.
How did you kill the snake? What kind of snake was it? Did you almost get bit? I mean, there-there - I have a lot of - No, I didn't get bit.
It's a fucking snake.
Snake came in the window, rattlesnake, grabbed it by the tail.
Do you not know how to kill a snake? You swing it around, you crack it like a whip, and then it breaks its spine and all the guts and everything else comes shooting out the mouth.
See? That is absolutely fascinating.
- And I don't really - But that's not interesting to me.
I grew up in the desert.
I probably killed a million snakes.
What's interesting to me is this carpet, which I have literally never seen in my life.
I know the carpet's really interesting to you.
I know.
- But it had this fleck, right? - I know about the fleck, man.
Okay.
- What about Cactus Ken? - Cactus Ken is only in there because I owed him the grappling hooks.
Yeah, what are you using the grappling hooks for? He was breaking some guy out of a prison.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You don't see - But I-I wasn't part of that.
That's not even my story to tell.
I'm telling you my story, Angus, that's Ken's story.
Well, maybe we should get Ken over here to tell his story, because it sounds more interesting than [SCOFFS.]
Okay, I'm gonna give you a taste of this story, okay? They take the grappling hooks and they hook 'em up to the windows.
They pull the iron off.
Now, what's interesting about it - is the iron bars fall off in such a way - [GROANS.]
that they start skidding across the ground.
- Did they make it? - Who? Did they get him out of prison? Come on.
You really are just results-oriented, huh? Nobody got out.
Cactus Ken died in a fire.
Crocodile got killed by the truck.
- Happy? Great.
- All right.
Yeah, yeah.
I am happy.
- Great story, everybody.
Great story.
- I'm happy.
Car 27, please come in, Car 27.
- CULLEN: This is Car 27.
Go ahead.
- Yeah, just thought you should know that Detective Frizell passed away today.
Oh, no.
What happened? He was on the toilet.
Yeah, I guess the strain, his heart gave away.
It's more common than you think.
15,000 people a year in the United States die that way.
Okay.
Thanks for that, Janice.
Out.
Copy that.
Oh, man.
Poor old Frizell.
You okay? [SIGHS.]
No.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know you and Frizell were close.
I just remember, one day, after the morning briefing You know how I like to go to the bathroom, uh, usually do my business at 10:15 To 10:45.
Yeah, I heard that story.
Do you still do that thing where you bring other shoes and you put them on to go to the bathroom so nobody knows it's you? You still do that? Yeah.
Everybody does that.
Nah.
Mm, okay.
Go on.
So, anyways, um, I go into the bathroom, and I go all the way down to my favorite stall, you know? Right.
- Second one from - To the last.
Yeah.
Yeah, second from the last.
And, um it was weird, because it was taken.
It was occupied, and yet all the other stalls were empty.
Mm.
And so I'm looking into that little divider.
You know, the little space, like, a quarter inch, - between the wall and the door? - Mm-hmm.
And I see an eye, one single eye, looking through that little space, looking at me.
And my eye looks at that eye, and it's Frizell.
- Right.
- And it was a profound, charged moment between two human beings.
Like sexually? No, not every charged moment is a sexual charged moment.
- Right.
- This was just a moment between two men.
Mm.
And then, today, he dies on the toilet? - Hmm? - Do you see? That's got to mean something.
Maybe.
Or maybe nothing.
Do you think that this story forms the basis of a good eulogy? If it's one of those meandering, long-winded, confusing, and ultimately unsatisfying funerals, - I think this story could fit perfectly.
- Mm.
You should contact the family.
I will.
I will.
GREG: Base to car.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, you're not a base, Greg.
Man, it's quiet tonight, don't you think? World moves so fast these days.
You know, people used to play chess by mail.
By mail! I mean, can you imagine a single human being capable of that kind of patience? - It's inconceivable.
- Uh, Greg, is there an actual reason you called in? Yeah, good news.
I found my ammo.
Didn't know you lost them.
That's great news with a happy ending.
Over and out.
Well, now we play the game of Guess Where It Was.
TOLBECK: Ooh, um, in a desk drawer? No.
It was in the teapot.
Aw, I was gonna say teapot.
- Over.
- Were you? Listen, I can't help but think this whole thing is gonna end in a Mexican standoff.
Is that okay to say? Or is it "Hispanic standoff"? Or "Latino"? Or "Latina"? Listen, if I take a hit, would you do me a favor and both of you just turn away? Death is an adventure I would like to go on alone.
Also, my, uh, next of kin is Sarah Mulroney.
She's my ex-wife, and, uh, she had a better lawyer than I did.
A man's sexual history will be written by the victors, will it not? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Listen, just tell her that I love her.
No, actually, last time I saw her, she said, "How can you live like this?" Tell her, "He doesn't have to.
He's dead.
" See if you can get a tear out of her.
You won't.
Bye.
MARCO: Oh, what the fuck? Dude! I know what you're up to, okay? You are purposefully leaving just enough space at the top of the piss bucket that I go and fill it up, which means I have to take it out.
What's the rule? The rule is, whoever tops it off has to take it out.
Is it full? That's what [GROANS.]
You know what, next time, - you're taking it out.
Okay? - If I fill it up, - I'll take it out.
- You're taking it out next time.
I don't care if it's full or not.
You're taking it out next time, Angus.
Goddamn it.
- [CLATTER.]
- Oh, goddamn it! I spilled it.
Son of a bitch! It's-it's gonna get on the beds, Angus.
It's g The piss is Oh, it's moving! We must be at a slant! [SIREN WAILING ON VIDEO.]
Could you turn that down a little? You want to watch? No, I don't want to watch.
[SIGHS.]
GREG: I just observed a male, uh, five-foot, ten-inch, wearing jeans, and he was walking southwest on foot.
I see him.
Is it the break you were looking for? Did I do I'm gonna assume this is the break.
I'm-I'm standing by.
[EXHALES.]
Hey, have we seen that guy before? Um, yeah, I guess so.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting your show? [SIGHS.]
Um, honestly, a little, yes.
This is a good part.
Uh, Dispatch, this is Car 27.
We have an unknown suspect loitering outside target location.
Copy.
Car 27, proceed with caution.
Detective Tolbeck is about to make further investigation.
Stand by.
- Copy that.
- Me? - Off you go.
- Why me? Look, it's not illegal to walk around at night.
Give me a break.
No, no, but it is illegal to pee in public.
- Chop, chop.
- Come on, - don't be such a square, man.
- Will you just do your fucking job? Something's happening, for once.
Would you put your phone down? - Okay, fine.
- Thank you very much.
- You got all your stuff? - Yes.
- You got your body cam? - No.
I don't want to wear a body cam.
Come on, man.
We got to wear all this shit.
It's on your jacket.
Just wear it.
All right? - Okay? - God.
This is too much stuff.
- Just do it.
- Okay, fine.
[SIGHS.]
[URINATING.]
- Hi.
Excuse me, sir.
- Whoa! What the fuck? Oh, take it easy.
It's okay.
Where the fuck did you come from? Well, I can't tell you where I came from.
Oh, I don't care.
Go back there.
- Jesus Christ.
- Uh, okay, take it easy.
- What-what are you doing out here? - What am I doing out Isn't it obvious? I'm taking a piss, guy.
Okay, well, it's against the law to pee Why don't you fuck off - [CLOWN HORN RINGTONE PLAYS.]
- Aw, shit.
- Gun! Gun! Gun! - What? No [SIGHS.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Cullen! Oh, shit.
Come come here.
["SOMETIMES A PONY GETS DEPRESSED" BY SILVER JEWS PLAYS.]
Where does an animal sleep when the ground is wet? Cows in the ballroom, chickens in the farmer's Corvette Sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony Sometimes a pony gets depressed How does an animal see once the sun is set?
Update on the Las Hormigas Cartel activity.
Intel suggests the shipment could be as large as 18 tons, but we just don't know when it's gonna land.
We have Car 27 on the eastern perimeter, and I guess we'll hold 'em there.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's nice.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Are the noises necessary? Yeah, absolutely.
Ooh, that is good.
Whew! You want to give it a try? - Head massage? - Pass.
- You sure? - Yeah.
All right, well Hey, do you mind doing me? [SIGHS.]
I'd rather not.
Come on, it's really good when I do it myself, but it's so much better - when someone else does it.
- Really? Yeah.
Oh, fine.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Mmm, yeah.
[MOANING.]
Oh.
Don't you stop.
Don't you dare stop.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Faster.
Okay, yes, yes, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- You must know what you're doing.
- I don't hear it.
I'm just into this thing.
Don't stop, please.
Yeah.
Come on, I'm almost there.
- Almost.
- Almost where? Just to the level of pleasure, - complete relaxation.
- I No, no, no.
- I'm not comfortable.
- Okay, fine.
I really regret buying that for you now.
FATIMA [OVER RADIO.]
: Car 27, please report.
More authority.
Louder.
Car 27, please report.
TOLBECK: Car 27.
No activity.
Who is this? It's Fatiga.
Fatiga? Fatiga? Fatayga? Fatima.
Fatima.
It's her first day, guys.
- Yeah? - Uh hello there from Car 27.
This is Detective Cullen.
Uh, and Detective Tolbeck.
Uh, there's no activity currently, but, uh, it's nice to have you here.
I hope you're settling in, uh, just fine.
- No activity.
- Copy that.
Uh, Car 27 to Dispatch.
Fatima, are you there? Yes, Car 27? Oh, God.
What is that? [GASPS.]
No.
He's got a gun.
- He's got a gun! - Uh, Car 27? - Oh, my God! Don't shoot! - Are you there? - Aah! Oh, God! - Oh, he's shooting! Oh! Car 27? Uh, is everything oka? Jesus Christ, put it away! - Car 27? - Put it away! - Quickly! - Janice, what do I do? [SIREN WAILING.]
- [IMITATING SIREN.]
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Car 27, please grow up.
CULLEN: Apologies.
Yeah, we're sorry.
Uh, welcome to the team.
Welcome aboard.
And did you have a siren on during a stakeout? TOLBECK: Um no, I don't think we did? Idiots.
Now I'm gonna have to write you up.
Well, if you have to write it up, it was Tolbeck.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
JANICE: Look, sometimes you got to roll with that kind of stuff.
89% of new dispatch recruits quit after the first month.
Really? That seems - aggressively high.
- Yeah, well, I don't have the data to back it up, but I've been here long enough to feel that's just about right.
So can you handle this job or not? I don't know.
I mean maybe.
I'm still figuring it out.
I haven't decided yet.
- I'm sorry? - I mean I'm under no obligation to settle on a career right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm still open to so many things.
I mean, maybe I'll open a-a scuba shop, or maybe I'll be a rap producer.
I've always been interested in buying and-and flipping things, - probably juice bars, you know? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, pretty much, you just add turmeric to all the drinks, and then get rid of it, flip it.
Bing bong.
What's that? "Bing bong"? Oh, bing bong.
That's something Tabitha and I started you know, when we had enough of a certain conversation, we'd say, "Bing bong.
" It's remarkably effective shorthand.
And I was thinking maybe that's something you should adopt.
Okay, um so when do I do I - Is it, like - Bing bong.
What is that? Huh? Oh.
I just got this.
Cool, right? This is for, like, tough guys, you know? You pull this out boom, don't fuck with me.
You know, I'm just checking a text, but, like don't fuck with me.
And this trigger is hooked up to the phone itself, 'cause it's all plugged in, - so if, when I answer it - [CLICK.]
Hello.
That's cool.
Right? And then when I'm done - All right, I'll talk to you later.
- [CLICK.]
- Also cool.
- That is the best feature, but it looks - fucking ridiculous.
- I thought you were gonna think this was so fucking cool.
So you bought that - to try and, like, impress me? - No, I bought it 'cause I liked it, but I did think to myself, "Angus is gonna love this.
Should I get him one?" And now I guess I'm glad I didn't.
How fucking long are we supposed to wait here? I don't get it.
I-I don't understand.
Th-There's a hotel ten minutes away, The Castaway, they've got a 24-hour breakfast buffet.
We could be eating right now.
Now, we're sitting in this fucking smelly box.
We'll wait as long as he wants us to wait.
Okay, that's the job.
We're being paid to wait.
- Yeah, I understand that.
- When you're running your own cartel you can put us all up in a hotel with 24-hour room service.
Th-That's exactly what I would do.
- [CLOWN HORN RINGTONE PLAYS.]
- Oh.
Here we go.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Oh-ho-ho.
- Ah.
- What's it say? Hang on.
- Oh, fuck.
- What? [SIGHS.]
- Marco, what?! - Hang on a second! [GROANS.]
- [SETS PHONE DOWN.]
- Speak.
My mom's cat got out.
Are you fucking kidding me? That's your reaction to that news? And why are why is your mom texting you about her fucking cat right now? Doesn't she know you're working? It's an emergency, Angus! It's an indoor cat, and it's out! Do do you not get that? It's my mom's cat! - Is out! Of the house! - I think we have different definitions of emergencies.
Yeah.
I guess so, 'cause this is one.
Oh, man.
I need a haircut.
Can you believe this? - Can I believe it? - Mm-hmm.
No, I can't.
That's unbelievable.
[SIGHS.]
: Oh, man.
You know, I got this haircut when we started this stakeout.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
The night we started.
'Cause I wanted to look good.
You were talking about how we're gonna, you know, be in these, like, news photos behind the big drug bust, - we're gonna be big heroes.
- You're saying your hair is long now? - Yeah.
This is long.
- Uh that's long? It's a baby Afro.
Yeah.
I mean I don't think I've ever noticed your hair changed the whole time we've been together.
In 11 years, you've never noticed my hair's been cut, - short, long - Did you say 11 years? - Yeah.
- We have not been together for 11 years.
- We have been together 11 years.
- No.
Last year was our tenth year together.
I got you the watch on our tenth anniversary.
- This watch? - Yes.
Is that why you gave this to me? Yes.
It was for our tenth anniversary.
I even got an inscription on the back.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
You never read it? - No.
- It's been a year.
"To the best partner I could ever wish for.
" There you go.
That's really nice.
Yeah, you're welcome.
That makes more sense.
I really didn't know why you gave that to me.
MARCO: I'm dressed like an adult, Angus.
I'm dressed like an adult who's doing a job.
You're dressed like a child.
The other day I woke up, and you were over there pissing, and I looked and I thought there was a kid over there.
Honest to God, I thought a kid had gotten in the box.
I know exactly what this is about.
You've been doing this for the last three years, just trying to father me, mold me into becoming a version of you.
Just like you try to do this tough guy thing whenever - we're taking care of something.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Your crazy guy thing is what we should be doing? - You think your crazy guy routine - It's unpredictable.
It's predictably unpredictable, I'm afraid.
Oh.
Give me one second.
Yeah, sure.
Psycho eyes, head tilt.
Grit the teeth.
Give me the combination to the code, motherfucker.
Hmm? Give me the combination to the code.
- Blink your eyes.
- That's not bad.
- That's good.
- Blink your eyes, motherfucker.
- Blink your eyes! - Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- That's good.
That's good.
- All right, so - It's not bad.
I just - Believe me, I get it.
I get it.
We all, when we're younger, do crazy guy 'cause crazy guy's, frankly, easier.
- Right? - No, it's not.
It's not easier.
Oh, please.
You don't think I could do crazy guy? - Show me.
- Okay, great.
What did you? You said - psycho peepers? - You know what? Hey.
- Psycho peepers? Ready? Ready? - Yeah.
- Psycho eyes.
- Okay.
Sure.
Oh, oh, and the neck, okay.
- Cock the head, grit the teeth.
- Yeah, sideways look.
I don't know that I'll do the teeth thing.
You don't know if I'm fucking looking at you.
- Sure, sure.
- How about that? - [SNIFFLING.]
- I mean, that's just, like deranged.
Hey, man.
Hey.
What's the combination to the safe? What's the com? [LAUGHING.]
What's the combination to the safe? See? Crazy.
Unpredictable.
They don't know.
The person doesn't want to help the crazy person.
Right? Ask nice, and this is the threat.
You don't have to both have this and crazy eyes.
Now, the person doesn't know what to do.
- The person is now - Exactly.
- So they comply.
- No, they don't.
They shit their pants and freak out.
I used to do what you do, but for me, now, I realize, I get a lot more done - You didn't do what I did.
- Shut up.
What's the combination to the safe? Do you know the combination to the safe? - I don't want to kill you, man.
- Liam Neeson? Am I Liam Neeson? I mean, I'm just trying to figure out who you're channeling.
- Here.
- No, I'm doing me.
I don't do Liam Nee - He's foreign.
- You're not doing you, man.
- That's - I'm not even doing an accent.
Okay, okay, okay, just-just shut the fuck up for one second.
All right, fine.
Fine! I can't even - hear myself think.
- [CLOWN HORN RINGTONE PLAYS.]
Fuck.
My mom is freaking out.
Aw.
She's using emojis now? But she's using the water symbol, which she thinks means crying, but it just seems like my mom's just telling me how wet she is.
JANICE: No.
Put my laptop down and go to sleep.
We'll talk about it in the morning.
Good-bye.
[SIGHS.]
- Sorry, I - Yeah.
hate to talk about personal matters at work.
That's okay.
It's fine.
It's just that Mason's at home alone, he's not used to it, and he's become a terror.
Boys will be boys.
Especially boys with a laptop, if you know what I mean.
- Well I think - I'll tell you what's going on.
- Yeah, I think you're - I'll tell you what's going on.
Yeah.
He's 15, he's home alone, he's got my laptop - Yeah.
- and he's whacking off, okay? - Yeah.
- He's whacking off.
And I won't even tell you what's going on in the bathroom.
It looks like a CSI frat house in there.
You put one of those black lights all over it, - it'd be everywhere.
Everywhere.
- Yeah.
It's probably all over me right now.
It's probably on you when I came in and brushed against you.
It'd be on your back, on the back of your neck, - around your mouth, on your coffee cup - Wait.
- Why would it? - on the pencil that you put in your mouth.
You'd be completely white.
Why would it be here? You'd look like Casper the Friendly Ghost.
- And you know what? I get it.
- Mm-hmm.
It's natural.
Okay, I'm not here to judge.
But what bothers me is the fact that he's not using his imagination.
- Yeah.
- Right? And your brain is a muscle, all right? - Right.
- And you have to exercise that muscle.
You know, I'd like it if one day, maybe I'd brought him in here, and he'd take one look at your ears, and he'd get excited by it, and that would turn him on.
He'd go over there and whack off about it.
You know, just a little bit of your-your-your wrist, your pinky, anything, just to arouse him without the goddamn screen, without the goddamn my screen.
That's a good point.
I mean, a lot of A lot of people now think that the natural ending to lovemaking is, like, when he finishes on on a female's face, and, like or-or, like, on her breasts.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm talking about the innocence of a 15-year-old boy, and you're talking about hard-core pornography, okay? And this isn't the place for that kind of talk, all right? Bing bong.
God, this is boring.
Mm.
I mean why do they keep us in the dark like this? I mean, they could they could trust us with some scrap of information, you know? If the Las Hormigas Cartel is bringing in Whoa, whoa.
Spoiler alert.
I didn't know the Las Hormigas Cartel was part of this.
Geez, thanks a lot.
- You read the briefing? - I skimmed it.
Why do I want to read the novel when I'm gonna be in the movie? Yeah, but if the Las Hormigas Cartel is bringing - in a drug shipment, we should - La-la, la-la, la-la-la I don't want to hear this, I don't want to hear.
[OVER RADIO.]
: This is Greg from port security.
Do you read me? Yes, Greg from port security.
I remember you from five minutes ago.
What's up? Okay, well, this is probably out of my jurisdiction.
Uh, you don't have a jurisdiction.
Well, uh, call it professional courtesy then.
Uh, as per our previous discussion regarding unusual or suspicious activity, I wanted to report the formation of a dark cloud over the eastern perimeter.
No, that doesn't qualify, and I'm not sure why you think it would.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Yeah, well, it's probably nothing.
But, um dark cloud is usually a classic metaphor for foreboding, and I thought that might be pertinent to the investigation.
Uh, no, thanks.
All right, as colleagues, then, I thought just, perhaps, we could share intel.
I will appraise you of the activity in my sector, and you guys, quid pro quo, let me in on the investigation.
I already said no, Greg.
Well, I already told you about the, uh, dark clouds, so it's a little late for that.
How about the "quo" part of the "quid pro quo"? Okay, I'll just let you know that I am qualified to handle sensitive information.
I passed the TSA online course six months ago.
I was in the top percentile.
[STATIC.]
Check.
Are you? Can you hear me? [STATIC.]
You had to give this guy a fucking walkie-talkie, - didn't you? - I'm sorry.
[STATIC.]
Base to car, base to car.
[STATIC.]
MARCO: I'm trying to get high-speed Internet hooked up at my house.
Only, after about an hour, the guy's not there yet.
I start getting antsy, so figure I'll start cleaning out the garage.
We've got all these, like, rolls of carpet.
It's like this heavy, beautiful, tapered, dark shag carpeting.
Used to be all over the house, but, like, it has this gold fleck that, like, catches the light in a way that is It's dynamite, honestly.
And about I don't know what, a year and a half ago, I had that, uh, crack in the garage.
- Yeah, I remember.
- Yeah, right? I told you all about that.
- Yeah, I remember.
- The gutter came loose, and so water came in the southern wall.
- So, guess what.
- What? Mold.
So, got rid of all of that.
It's noon at this point.
Is the guy there? - No.
- Has the guy come? - No.
- Has the guy called? No.
You're not wrong.
Cactus Ken, meanwhile, is blowing me up 'cause I'm supposed to give him some grappling hooks for a job he's doing, but I tell him, "Listen, dude, I'm waiting "for high-speed Internet guy to come and hook it up.
"I can't come to you until he comes to me and finishes up.
" Finally, I feel bad, I'm like, "Fine, I'll come over there.
I'll drop off the grappling hooks.
" I leave a note for the guy.
Guess what.
I cannot find my car keys.
I go up to the bathroom.
I don't know.
Maybe I put 'em there.
Somehow, a snake had gotten in through the window, so I kill the snake, I look around the bathroom.
No keys in the bathroom.
I go to the bedroom.
I'm looking through, like, all the pockets of all the clothes that I wore yesterday, - all the clothes I wore last - [GROANS.]
- Oh, my God.
I can't - What? You are the master of the boring story.
What does that mean? You spend all this time talking about fucking carpet, and then you just skipped right over all of the interesting parts.
[SCOFFS.]
Wow.
Okay, fine.
I mean, what about Y-You said you killed a snake, right? - Yeah.
- You just passed right by that.
How did you kill the snake? What kind of snake was it? Did you almost get bit? I mean, there-there - I have a lot of - No, I didn't get bit.
It's a fucking snake.
Snake came in the window, rattlesnake, grabbed it by the tail.
Do you not know how to kill a snake? You swing it around, you crack it like a whip, and then it breaks its spine and all the guts and everything else comes shooting out the mouth.
See? That is absolutely fascinating.
- And I don't really - But that's not interesting to me.
I grew up in the desert.
I probably killed a million snakes.
What's interesting to me is this carpet, which I have literally never seen in my life.
I know the carpet's really interesting to you.
I know.
- But it had this fleck, right? - I know about the fleck, man.
Okay.
- What about Cactus Ken? - Cactus Ken is only in there because I owed him the grappling hooks.
Yeah, what are you using the grappling hooks for? He was breaking some guy out of a prison.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You don't see - But I-I wasn't part of that.
That's not even my story to tell.
I'm telling you my story, Angus, that's Ken's story.
Well, maybe we should get Ken over here to tell his story, because it sounds more interesting than [SCOFFS.]
Okay, I'm gonna give you a taste of this story, okay? They take the grappling hooks and they hook 'em up to the windows.
They pull the iron off.
Now, what's interesting about it - is the iron bars fall off in such a way - [GROANS.]
that they start skidding across the ground.
- Did they make it? - Who? Did they get him out of prison? Come on.
You really are just results-oriented, huh? Nobody got out.
Cactus Ken died in a fire.
Crocodile got killed by the truck.
- Happy? Great.
- All right.
Yeah, yeah.
I am happy.
- Great story, everybody.
Great story.
- I'm happy.
Car 27, please come in, Car 27.
- CULLEN: This is Car 27.
Go ahead.
- Yeah, just thought you should know that Detective Frizell passed away today.
Oh, no.
What happened? He was on the toilet.
Yeah, I guess the strain, his heart gave away.
It's more common than you think.
15,000 people a year in the United States die that way.
Okay.
Thanks for that, Janice.
Out.
Copy that.
Oh, man.
Poor old Frizell.
You okay? [SIGHS.]
No.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know you and Frizell were close.
I just remember, one day, after the morning briefing You know how I like to go to the bathroom, uh, usually do my business at 10:15 To 10:45.
Yeah, I heard that story.
Do you still do that thing where you bring other shoes and you put them on to go to the bathroom so nobody knows it's you? You still do that? Yeah.
Everybody does that.
Nah.
Mm, okay.
Go on.
So, anyways, um, I go into the bathroom, and I go all the way down to my favorite stall, you know? Right.
- Second one from - To the last.
Yeah.
Yeah, second from the last.
And, um it was weird, because it was taken.
It was occupied, and yet all the other stalls were empty.
Mm.
And so I'm looking into that little divider.
You know, the little space, like, a quarter inch, - between the wall and the door? - Mm-hmm.
And I see an eye, one single eye, looking through that little space, looking at me.
And my eye looks at that eye, and it's Frizell.
- Right.
- And it was a profound, charged moment between two human beings.
Like sexually? No, not every charged moment is a sexual charged moment.
- Right.
- This was just a moment between two men.
Mm.
And then, today, he dies on the toilet? - Hmm? - Do you see? That's got to mean something.
Maybe.
Or maybe nothing.
Do you think that this story forms the basis of a good eulogy? If it's one of those meandering, long-winded, confusing, and ultimately unsatisfying funerals, - I think this story could fit perfectly.
- Mm.
You should contact the family.
I will.
I will.
GREG: Base to car.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, you're not a base, Greg.
Man, it's quiet tonight, don't you think? World moves so fast these days.
You know, people used to play chess by mail.
By mail! I mean, can you imagine a single human being capable of that kind of patience? - It's inconceivable.
- Uh, Greg, is there an actual reason you called in? Yeah, good news.
I found my ammo.
Didn't know you lost them.
That's great news with a happy ending.
Over and out.
Well, now we play the game of Guess Where It Was.
TOLBECK: Ooh, um, in a desk drawer? No.
It was in the teapot.
Aw, I was gonna say teapot.
- Over.
- Were you? Listen, I can't help but think this whole thing is gonna end in a Mexican standoff.
Is that okay to say? Or is it "Hispanic standoff"? Or "Latino"? Or "Latina"? Listen, if I take a hit, would you do me a favor and both of you just turn away? Death is an adventure I would like to go on alone.
Also, my, uh, next of kin is Sarah Mulroney.
She's my ex-wife, and, uh, she had a better lawyer than I did.
A man's sexual history will be written by the victors, will it not? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Listen, just tell her that I love her.
No, actually, last time I saw her, she said, "How can you live like this?" Tell her, "He doesn't have to.
He's dead.
" See if you can get a tear out of her.
You won't.
Bye.
MARCO: Oh, what the fuck? Dude! I know what you're up to, okay? You are purposefully leaving just enough space at the top of the piss bucket that I go and fill it up, which means I have to take it out.
What's the rule? The rule is, whoever tops it off has to take it out.
Is it full? That's what [GROANS.]
You know what, next time, - you're taking it out.
Okay? - If I fill it up, - I'll take it out.
- You're taking it out next time.
I don't care if it's full or not.
You're taking it out next time, Angus.
Goddamn it.
- [CLATTER.]
- Oh, goddamn it! I spilled it.
Son of a bitch! It's-it's gonna get on the beds, Angus.
It's g The piss is Oh, it's moving! We must be at a slant! [SIREN WAILING ON VIDEO.]
Could you turn that down a little? You want to watch? No, I don't want to watch.
[SIGHS.]
GREG: I just observed a male, uh, five-foot, ten-inch, wearing jeans, and he was walking southwest on foot.
I see him.
Is it the break you were looking for? Did I do I'm gonna assume this is the break.
I'm-I'm standing by.
[EXHALES.]
Hey, have we seen that guy before? Um, yeah, I guess so.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting your show? [SIGHS.]
Um, honestly, a little, yes.
This is a good part.
Uh, Dispatch, this is Car 27.
We have an unknown suspect loitering outside target location.
Copy.
Car 27, proceed with caution.
Detective Tolbeck is about to make further investigation.
Stand by.
- Copy that.
- Me? - Off you go.
- Why me? Look, it's not illegal to walk around at night.
Give me a break.
No, no, but it is illegal to pee in public.
- Chop, chop.
- Come on, - don't be such a square, man.
- Will you just do your fucking job? Something's happening, for once.
Would you put your phone down? - Okay, fine.
- Thank you very much.
- You got all your stuff? - Yes.
- You got your body cam? - No.
I don't want to wear a body cam.
Come on, man.
We got to wear all this shit.
It's on your jacket.
Just wear it.
All right? - Okay? - God.
This is too much stuff.
- Just do it.
- Okay, fine.
[SIGHS.]
[URINATING.]
- Hi.
Excuse me, sir.
- Whoa! What the fuck? Oh, take it easy.
It's okay.
Where the fuck did you come from? Well, I can't tell you where I came from.
Oh, I don't care.
Go back there.
- Jesus Christ.
- Uh, okay, take it easy.
- What-what are you doing out here? - What am I doing out Isn't it obvious? I'm taking a piss, guy.
Okay, well, it's against the law to pee Why don't you fuck off - [CLOWN HORN RINGTONE PLAYS.]
- Aw, shit.
- Gun! Gun! Gun! - What? No [SIGHS.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Cullen! Oh, shit.
Come come here.
["SOMETIMES A PONY GETS DEPRESSED" BY SILVER JEWS PLAYS.]
Where does an animal sleep when the ground is wet? Cows in the ballroom, chickens in the farmer's Corvette Sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony Sometimes a pony gets depressed How does an animal see once the sun is set?