No Activity (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Dig A Hole
1 WOMAN: Confirming that we've moved Car 27.
Now all Spearfish resources are fully reallocated to Operation Prairie Dog.
Cartel is making a new play from the south, guys.
All operatives, keep your eyes on the ground.
TOLBECK: You know, I think you're wrong.
I don't think this is a demotion.
This place is nice.
This place couldn't be more of a demotion for us.
Are you serious? Operation Prairie Dog? This has been going for, like, eight, ten years.
I think we've been here before.
[COUGHING.]
Oh! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Jesus.
You okay, pal? Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just a little tickle in my throat.
- That's all.
Yes.
- You sure? It sounds like you're about to die in the third act.
What are you talking about? You know, in movies, how they the character coughs, and then they die.
You did the once they cough, you go, "Oh, that character's gonna die, for sure.
" - Hmm.
- You know, like Nicole Kidman in, uh, Moulin Rouge! - Oh, yeah.
- [MIMICKING COUGH.]
You go, oh, TB, blah.
- Look, on the handkerchief.
- Yep.
Or, um what's the other one Straight Outta Compton? - Mm-hmm.
- Eazy-E coughs, - dead from AIDS.
- Hmm.
Okay, how's this? "Sweetheart, get ready, we're gonna go on a lovely vaca" [COUGHS.]
"Oh, no, I'm fine.
" That's good.
I think it'd but I think it should be more like, "Sweetheart, get ready, we're about to go on a lovely vacati" [COUGHING.]
[COUGHING, RETCHING.]
"I'm fine.
I'm fine.
" [QUIETLY.]
Wow.
That's pretty good.
Oh, hey, I thought of an exception.
- Yeah? - Chewie.
He coughs all through those movies, and he never dies.
He He's not coughing.
He's-he's talking.
- Really? - Are you serious? He's not That it [MIMICS CHEWBACCA.]
- Yeah.
Coughing.
- That's Chew He's not clearing his throat for six movies.
He's that he's talking to the guy.
Okay, good.
I'm glad.
I really like the character.
I'm glad he didn't die.
- Hmm.
- [COUGHING.]
Ooh.
Yeah.
That's good.
No, I wasn't acting, that was a real cough.
Oh.
Are you okay? - I'm fine.
- Okay.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
- TOLBECK: Ooh, what's that? I, uh, just followed, uh, Fatima on, uh, social media.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
So, Fatima.
No.
Not her voice like that.
- [HIGH-PITCHED.]
Fatima.
- No.
Hey, I thought we weren't going there.
[SIGHS.]
Correct.
W-We aren't going there.
- I'm going there.
Alone, okay? - Mm.
I don't need you here for this ride, because JANICE: Car 27, please report.
Car 27.
Uh, Car 27.
No activity.
H-How are you going there? H-How's-how's Fatima doing, Janice? She's fine.
Okay, you know, speaking from both of us, uh, we think she's doing great.
And, uh, yeah, - you could just pass that on.
- Thank you, Detective Cullen.
I appreciate that.
Oh, I didn't know you were there.
Uh - Yeah, here.
- Just-just call me, just call me, just there's, you don't have to call me Detective.
Just call me Cullen.
Copy that.
Dispatch out.
Okay, over.
He seems kind of fun, or No.
I thought we were gonna - work on that together.
- No, we-we You were gonna let me be your Cupid, so then No, I'm not gonna let you be my Cupid.
We I was very clear about that.
- Oh, come on.
- Okay, I'll be doing this alone.
Okay.
I've been very successful with you before, I've introduced you to some very nice young ladies.
You have introduced me to zero nice young ladies.
[GRUMBLES.]
Ladies, yeah.
Not young.
And not nice.
What about Carly? - Carly the UFC fighter? - Yes.
Are you kidding? She She's an athlete.
No, she's not an athl She showed up to dinner with a black eye.
A full black eye.
We're sitting down, I-I don't know what to do.
The people at the next table are, like, "Are you okay?" She says, "Yeah.
I got hit.
" Just leaves that hanging there.
Well, it's the truth.
I mean, what do you want her to say? I want her to say, "I-I'm a terrible UFC fighter.
" Because I looked up her record: 0 and 14.
Terrible UFC fighter.
She got no business being in the ring.
You know what you should do, Fatima-wise? Tell her a joke.
No.
I'm not gonna do that.
Where did Hitler keep his armies? I don't care.
Up his sleevies.
I don't even know where that is.
- Up his sleevies.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
All right.
No, I thought you said, I thought you said "Upper Slieves.
" Like that was a place in Europe or something.
I no, I-I get it.
Up his sleevies you need to enunciate better.
Yeah, you are horrible at jokes.
Which is why I'm not telling her a joke.
You know, I can teach you the art of joke-telling.
That's not necessary.
- You want to know the secret? - Not really.
C-FAPP.
- C-FAPP? - Mm-hmm.
C: casual.
F: familiar.
Is if you're gonna use cheese in a joke, instead of saying "cheese," you say "Sargento.
" And then, uh, "A" is accent.
If you can do a little funny voice or an accent, it always makes the joke better.
Right.
PP? Pregnant pause.
Good.
That's great.
And, uh, I'm not gonna do it.
Okay.
For example.
Hey, did I tell you the one about [WHISPERS.]
C.
- Casual.
Right.
- Mm-hmm.
the musical octopus? A guy walks into a Chili's with an octopus.
- Familiar.
That's good.
- Mm-hmm.
And he says, "50 bucks to anybody that can play an instrument better than this octopus.
" All right? So, the first guy, he walks up, and he has a guitar.
The octopus takes the guitar, he starts playing it like he's Jimi Hendrix.
- Hmm.
- All right? He's just shredding it.
He loses.
The next guy is a Scottish guy.
- He has a set of bagpipes.
- Right.
The octopus just stares at the bagpipes.
The Scottish guy goes, [SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
"So, you can't play this, can you?" Is that an accent or a silly voice? - It's an accent.
- Okay.
And the octopus says, "Play it? "As soon as I figure out how to get his pajamas off I'm gonna fuck it.
" [LAUGHS.]
So, the octopus can talk? Is that the joke? No, you are seriously, like, a joke retard.
Well, okay.
I'm sorry, I just got a little angry.
Are we saying the "R" word now? No, we're not.
- Well, you just said it to me.
- It's late.
Not so funny.
JANICE: It's just to give Daryl, my fiancé, a little break.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just so he can have some space.
Everyone needs space.
JANICE: It's fun to be at work with Mommy, isn't it? - Hmm.
Yeah.
- It's fun, right? He can pretend to clock in and clock out, get fired.
Yeah.
It's fun to play in an office.
[CAMERA CLICKING.]
- Uh - JANICE: Okay.
I think it's your bedtime.
We set up a little sleeping area over there.
Isn't that cute? You're gonna be like a little woodland creature.
- Like you're sleeping underneath a bridge.
- Hmm.
[KISS NOISES.]
God, he's cute.
[QUIETLY.]
He is? Do you know what the most Googled question is? "Is my husband gay?" Really? Yeah.
Oh.
That's sad.
I wouldn't say it's sad.
I mean, don't judge those people.
They're reaching out for help.
That's what Google's there for.
So, they just Google it and hopefully they'll get an answer.
- You know what? - Yeah.
Because I might be one of those people.
Are you one of those people? Let's just say that I might be having some issues on the home front that is kind of stressing me out a little bit today.
All right? - Yeah.
- I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
If you did want to talk about it, you can I don't know if you have any desire to ever get married, Fatima, but I just hope you don't get involved with a man who claims to know nothing, when one afternoon, a very well-dressed gay gentleman no hair, bald holding a bouquet of flowers, shows up at your doorstep and claims to have been in a online relationship with Daryl for quite some time.
And his goal is to leave his entire family just to be with him.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, okay.
But like I said, I don't want to discuss it.
Work is not the place to discuss these kinds of things.
Damn it, I just kick myself, you know? I should've seen the signs.
He'd always been a very generous tipper.
Very generous.
ADRIAN: Hey, you want to hear a secret? Nope.
Not not one bit? Not one bit.
You know what, maybe I'm not gonna tell you.
Okay, great.
You're gonna have a baby brother.
[LAUGHS.]
I've been dying to tell you this.
You got my mom pregnant? No, no, no, no.
No, not yet.
But I'm gonna.
Yeah.
You're sure about that? [SCOFFS.]
What are you talking about? I am bursting, like a like a tub of fresh yogurt.
Thick Greek yogurt.
Does that make sense? - Endless supply.
- Okay, okay, okay, I got it.
I got it.
Uh how old are you, actually? You mean my real age or my sperm age? 'Cause I'll give you my sperm age: 19.
- That's not a thing sperm age.
- That is a thing.
It's just coming to light in scientific circles now.
They don't even care how "old" you are, they just ask you now, "What's your sperm age?" And I'm 19.
I came from the ball sack of a 19-year-old.
And young sperm begets young sperm.
There you have it.
Your dad was old, right? He was older.
Older.
Older gentleman? How did you know my dad was older? You have what they call in the medical profession, "old-ball face.
" You came from old balls.
Yeah, that's the face that's an old-ball face right there.
- What the fuck? - No-no-no - Old-ball face? - Th-This is not a bad thing.
Look, a lot of handsome guys have had that distinguished, withered look.
Ronald Reagan.
Anyone in any of the westerns, you know, from 1950s on.
I mean, it was a complete asset.
Someone like me, I wouldn't get hired.
Old baby face here, you know, they'd show me the door.
Now, see, I came from young balls.
Yeah.
I'm strong.
I've never been to a doctor.
I've never seen the inside of a hospital.
I've never watched a medical show.
All right? I mean, if I get a paper cut, it just scabs up there's no blood.
All right? I don't need glasses, I don't have health insurance, I've never broken a bone, I never will.
I've never sprained a ligament.
I can do that.
No big deal.
Didn't hurt your knee or anything? - Not one bit.
- No.
So, anyway I would love to test this theory.
- Be my guest.
- Just-just punch you one good time, right in the face.
I'm probably too quick, you know, for you to even punch me.
Whew.
Could've got you.
Could've.
Didn't.
JANICE: Car 55, thanks for checking in.
Out.
Aw.
Look at him sleeping.
When they look like that, it makes you fall in love with 'em all over again.
Mmm.
Yeah.
I'm a little worried about him, though.
- Fatima? - Hmm? - I'm saying I'm a little worried about - Yeah.
- I'm just checking in to the - We can talk.
That can wait.
I'm saying I'm a little worried about him, my teenage boy.
Oh.
You know, at school, you know, the girls are kind of picking on him a lot, teasing him, - making fun of him.
- Oh.
Yeah.
So I encouraged him to write to his cousin Georgia.
He's never met Georgia, and she's a little bit older, but I thought it'd be nice to have a pen pal.
Mm-hmm.
You know, get in the habit of writing nice letters, and plus, it helps with the handwriting, because his handwriting is atrocious.
- Right, it's a lost art.
- Yeah.
So he would give me the letters, and I would pretend to mail 'em, and I would write back as Georgia.
- Wait, you would write back as Georgia? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want him really writing Georgia; she's a whore.
So, then they'd go back and forth, and he developed quite a crush on her.
So, I wrote back, you know, as Georgia, saying that I kinda liked him, too.
But they're cousins, right? Yeah, but it's me writing it.
Right.
That's better, better that way.
It's better.
So, the letters are getting hot and heated, they're getting suggestive, they're getting a little filthy.
Oh.
But I'm going along with it, because at the same time, it's kind of adorable.
They're at that age, they're just experimenting with the writing it's cool, you know? So, then he started putting pictures of himself - in these letters.
- Wow.
Photos of Photos of his? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm his mother, and I've seen it all before.
It's not a big deal.
So, anyway, so now he wants a picture of Georgia.
- So, I'm in a little bit of a bind - Mm - So, I know this is - Yeah, I can see that's - that's tough.
What are you gonna do? - Yeah, but it's last-minute, and I could really I'm asking you for a favor, if maybe I could have a naked picture of you from the neck down that I can put in the next letter, which is due tomorrow.
No.
No, I'm Janice, I'm not gonna do that.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
It's just from the neck down.
- I mean, he's seen your face.
- Absolutely not.
I don't want your son to have a naked photo of me.
It's not a big deal.
Kids do it all the time.
[SCOFFS.]
What, do you want me to go up to a complete stranger and just ask a stranger for a naked picture? Let me tell you something.
One day, you're gonna have a kid, and you're gonna come to me, and you're gonna ask me for a naked picture.
You know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna say yes.
Because that's the decent thing to do.
Okay? Oh, I get it.
It's cool.
You don't speak English.
Mmm.
I get it.
You don't understand.
Yeah.
Did you know I'm fucking your mother tonight? Uh, I'm getting very, like, upset inside.
You do speak English.
I think we should get back to work, cabrón.
This is a Wait-wait-wait, don't be a pussy, all right.
Just relax.
Okay? How did you get into the cartel, anyway? It was kind of a classic story, you know.
I, um, I needed the money really badly.
And they threatened to kill me.
Horribly.
[RECORDED LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
Wh-What is that? It's a laugh-track key ring.
eBay, hilarious.
Well, I mean, they did kill my dog in front of me, so [LAUGH TRACK.]
[LAUGHING.]
I really loved Panchito [LAUGH TRACK.]
As you probably can guess, I am comedian.
Never would have guessed that.
- Yeah.
- No.
Ideas, thoughts, images.
It's all going towards my comedy special.
- Oh.
A comedy special, huh? - Yeah.
In America, they give them out like hot dogs.
- Do you know what mine's called? - No.
"Digger With Attitude.
" [LAUGH TRACK.]
Oh.
I don't get it.
I'm digging all the way to America.
See? - But I have an attitude.
- [LAUGH TRACK.]
Oh, is that a joke? Damn it, I thought that was good.
Oh, it's okay.
It's just a little Um, let's get some cracking done, you know.
Yes.
Yes.
Go ahead.
I have to I have a migraine.
All right, man.
Hey, digger with attitude.
Huh? - [LAUGH TRACK.]
- Yeah, okay.
Try not to laugh.
Okay.
CULLEN: Hey, speaking of going on dates, what about you? Did you ever end up going deep-sea fishing with that Leon guy? - Remember him? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was fine.
Nothing to tell.
Nothing to tell? That is a tell.
Okay, there's something to tell.
Yeah, I can tell.
So, uh, yeah, we, uh, - went deep-sea fishing, you know - You did do it? - Wow.
- Yeah, we got out there on the ocean, we cast our lines out, we're sitting there, we, uh, waiting, waiting.
Finally, I get a bite.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- I was the first one to get a bite.
- Okay.
And, uh, I'm pulling it, and it feels like - this is a pretty big fish, you know? - Yeah.
I pull it up, and it is a tuna, just like Leon said and - Oh, wow.
- It was beautiful.
- Really? - One of God's creatures right there in front of me, you know.
Anyways, we get it up on the boat, and, uh, Leon says, "We got to kill it.
" Okay.
So he hands me this fish bat.
- Fish bat? - Yeah.
It's like an aluminum bat But like a, like a, like a baseball bat? Yeah, like a baseball bat, but with, like, a hook on it.
Right.
And he just starts beating the head of the tuna.
- Beating it? - Yeah, because you don't want to ruin the body and the skin, and so you just beat it with the bat on its head and so, we start beating this tuna.
I mean, blood was just squirting everywhere.
Well, you know what the worst thing was? What? The tuna, they make a noise when they get hit.
What kind of noise? [SCREAMING.]
- No, they don't.
Come on.
- Yes.
Have you ever hit a tuna with a tuna bat? No.
- Then shut up and listen.
- Okay.
- It's horrible.
- Okay.
It literally was like beating a large dog.
And the thing wouldn't die.
So, Leon brought these poles out.
They were long and they were pointy at the end, basically spears.
And then we just started poking this thing in the head.
Are you talking about just poked - or you were stabbing it through the head? - Stabbing it.
Man, it was tougher than I thought.
You know.
So, anyways, we get back to shore, and, you know I don't know, that was it, I guess.
What, what? - You got back to shore and what? - Well, you know, we were covered in blood and, uh, we, uh, went back to take a shower.
Together? Together what? Did you shower together? Me and Leon? Yeah.
Um, no, I, uh, I got in the shower alone.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, oh, but he did get in.
While you were in there? Yes.
So you were together? Uh, yeah, I don't really recall.
I know Well, the way you've described it is you said you went in there and then he went in there.
So, in my mind, I've got you both in there.
Right.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
So And so, were you wearing clothes? Or were you showering naked? Well, I did take my clothes off, so I guess you could say I was naked.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- And Leon? - Uh Was he clothed or was he naked? I don't remember.
- Don't remember? - Don't recall.
- Hmm.
You don't remember that detail? - No.
Feels like the kind of detail you might remember.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It was a big day, so, I don't know.
I can't recall.
Hmm.
Anyways, the point is, I got a lot of tuna, so if you want some tuna, just let me know.
Okay.
I don't know if that is the point, but okay.
Where's my mom? She's on a break.
Do you have any videos of you in the nude? - No.
- Yeah, yeah, you do.
Or even just titties.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, Mase.
Your mom told me about Georgia.
- You and your cousin.
- Oh, yeah.
- Did she? - Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, it was really revealing.
Getting really into it, huh, with your cousin Georgia? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Writing back and forth, - getting really explicit.
- Mm-hmm.
I think that's normal.
She's your cousin, though.
So that's a little weird.
Some people would say that's a little weird.
Do you think that's weird? No.
It doesn't bother me.
Hmm.
Okay, well, uh, news flash, you're not writing to your cousin Georgia.
You're writing to your mom.
Your mom is pretending to be your cousin Georgia.
And that's who you're exploring your sexuality with.
I know it was Mom.
I don't care.
I knew from the first time.
They're just words.
I use them for my own needs.
I can compartmentalize.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
JANICE: Up, up, up, up, up.
There you go.
Okay.
Ah.
How'd you two get along? Good? You know, before I met you, I pictured you as a fat guy.
What? My mom told you I was fat? No.
No.
It's your name.
Angus.
It's always the name of a fat guy.
Angus is a fat name? Yeah.
Do you not name-profile? - No.
No, I don't.
- Yeah.
Angus is fat.
Damien is a jerk.
Never met a good Trevor.
John is a pedophile.
Well, or, of all the pedophiles, there's gonna be a higher percentage that are Johns.
Kate, well, everyone's fucked a Kate.
Right? I haven't fucked a Kate, no.
But you fingered her.
Fingered one? No.
If I go to the bank right? And the bank teller is named either Brad, Joshua or Gabriela, then I know they're gonna be attentive and they're gonna provide me great service.
This makes no sense, Adrian.
I'm telling you.
You learn how to name-profile, it's gonna cut at least 20, 30 hours out of your month of just wasting time.
Okay.
What about, like a Raul? Raul? Raul, not a problem.
Unless, if you got on an airplane, the pilot says, "Good afternoon, I'm your pilot, Raul," get off.
FATIMA: Car 27, please report.
- Car 27, please report.
- No, no, no, mine, mine, mine.
Car 27, uh, no activity.
How are you, Fatima? Um, fine.
CULLEN: That's great.
Hey, uh, you like music? Do I like music? Um, yeah.
Great.
Car 27, you're on open channel.
Oh.
Yeah, sorry.
Yeah, uh, flip over to channel three, please, Fatima.
Copy that.
Just tell her a joke.
C-FAPP.
Okay, okay.
All right.
So, casual, casual.
- Casual.
- Okay, Ch-Chili's.
- No, Chili's? - They have a okay.
Chili's.
- Are you there, Fatima? - Yeah.
CULLEN: Uh, yeah, I was just did I ever tell you about there's-there's an octopus inside a Chili's.
- What? - There there's there's a Chil There's a Chili's that an octopus has-has gone into.
- What when did this happen? - I think that's isn't that right? Are you telling me a joke? Abandon that joke.
- What is that? - Hitler.
I don't know what oh, right, okay, okay, oh, yeah, no, no, no, I'm good.
Um, where did Hitler keep his armies? Where? - Up his or up - Up his.
Okay.
Up his sleevies.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
That was a good one.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
It is good.
And I think the important thing to note, what makes it good, is that we're laughing at the man, not with him 'cause, I he was, you know, which-whichever you cut it, I he was not a good guy.
And, uh, you know, I think it's okay to laugh at them.
But I think, if we're making them, uh Would you just ask her out on a fucking date? Okay.
Yeah, and I was, I was just thinking, that maybe you and I could, uh, we could go somewhere, you know, we could have, we could go to a Chili's, you know, anywhere.
We could go to a place.
Are you asking me out on a date? Yes.
- Sure.
- [SIGHS.]
[STIFLED LAUGHTER.]
- That's great.
- That's great.
Thank you.
Okay, we'll talk later.
Dispatch out.
- Oh, my God.
- We did it.
- I did it.
- We did it.
- I We did it.
- We did it.
- Whoa.
- Oh, man.
Oh, my God.
You know, you're gonna need another joke for the date.
I don't need another joke.
I got the Hitler joke.
That got me the date.
Are you kidding? You're gonna be in a nice, romantic restaurant.
You need another joke.
Okay, okay, tell me another joke.
Two vomits are walking down the street near the San Diego Zoo.
All right.
And one-one vomit stops and he gets really sad.
The other vomit goes, "Hey, what's wrong with you?" And the first vomit says, "Oh, it's just that this is the corner where I was brought up.
" [LAUGHS.]
That's pretty good.
Because it was brought up in the zoo.
No.
It was brought up on that corner.
Right.
But the-the-the zoo.
It was brought up and lived in-in the zoo.
There was like a vomit enclosure.
The zoo has nothing to do with it.
The zoo is the, uh, is the "F," familiar, making it familiar.
CULLEN: Right.
That's what makes it funny.
TOLBECK: No, that's not what makes it funny.
CULLEN: No, I think that's good.
So, these two vomits, uh, live at the zoo Kissy-kiss Goosey, goosey On my list One, two, three, four Five or six All the girls Dressed in green All the boys Skinny jeans Owls and fish Kissy-kiss Goosey, goosey On my list.
Now all Spearfish resources are fully reallocated to Operation Prairie Dog.
Cartel is making a new play from the south, guys.
All operatives, keep your eyes on the ground.
TOLBECK: You know, I think you're wrong.
I don't think this is a demotion.
This place is nice.
This place couldn't be more of a demotion for us.
Are you serious? Operation Prairie Dog? This has been going for, like, eight, ten years.
I think we've been here before.
[COUGHING.]
Oh! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Jesus.
You okay, pal? Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just a little tickle in my throat.
- That's all.
Yes.
- You sure? It sounds like you're about to die in the third act.
What are you talking about? You know, in movies, how they the character coughs, and then they die.
You did the once they cough, you go, "Oh, that character's gonna die, for sure.
" - Hmm.
- You know, like Nicole Kidman in, uh, Moulin Rouge! - Oh, yeah.
- [MIMICKING COUGH.]
You go, oh, TB, blah.
- Look, on the handkerchief.
- Yep.
Or, um what's the other one Straight Outta Compton? - Mm-hmm.
- Eazy-E coughs, - dead from AIDS.
- Hmm.
Okay, how's this? "Sweetheart, get ready, we're gonna go on a lovely vaca" [COUGHS.]
"Oh, no, I'm fine.
" That's good.
I think it'd but I think it should be more like, "Sweetheart, get ready, we're about to go on a lovely vacati" [COUGHING.]
[COUGHING, RETCHING.]
"I'm fine.
I'm fine.
" [QUIETLY.]
Wow.
That's pretty good.
Oh, hey, I thought of an exception.
- Yeah? - Chewie.
He coughs all through those movies, and he never dies.
He He's not coughing.
He's-he's talking.
- Really? - Are you serious? He's not That it [MIMICS CHEWBACCA.]
- Yeah.
Coughing.
- That's Chew He's not clearing his throat for six movies.
He's that he's talking to the guy.
Okay, good.
I'm glad.
I really like the character.
I'm glad he didn't die.
- Hmm.
- [COUGHING.]
Ooh.
Yeah.
That's good.
No, I wasn't acting, that was a real cough.
Oh.
Are you okay? - I'm fine.
- Okay.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
- TOLBECK: Ooh, what's that? I, uh, just followed, uh, Fatima on, uh, social media.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
So, Fatima.
No.
Not her voice like that.
- [HIGH-PITCHED.]
Fatima.
- No.
Hey, I thought we weren't going there.
[SIGHS.]
Correct.
W-We aren't going there.
- I'm going there.
Alone, okay? - Mm.
I don't need you here for this ride, because JANICE: Car 27, please report.
Car 27.
Uh, Car 27.
No activity.
H-How are you going there? H-How's-how's Fatima doing, Janice? She's fine.
Okay, you know, speaking from both of us, uh, we think she's doing great.
And, uh, yeah, - you could just pass that on.
- Thank you, Detective Cullen.
I appreciate that.
Oh, I didn't know you were there.
Uh - Yeah, here.
- Just-just call me, just call me, just there's, you don't have to call me Detective.
Just call me Cullen.
Copy that.
Dispatch out.
Okay, over.
He seems kind of fun, or No.
I thought we were gonna - work on that together.
- No, we-we You were gonna let me be your Cupid, so then No, I'm not gonna let you be my Cupid.
We I was very clear about that.
- Oh, come on.
- Okay, I'll be doing this alone.
Okay.
I've been very successful with you before, I've introduced you to some very nice young ladies.
You have introduced me to zero nice young ladies.
[GRUMBLES.]
Ladies, yeah.
Not young.
And not nice.
What about Carly? - Carly the UFC fighter? - Yes.
Are you kidding? She She's an athlete.
No, she's not an athl She showed up to dinner with a black eye.
A full black eye.
We're sitting down, I-I don't know what to do.
The people at the next table are, like, "Are you okay?" She says, "Yeah.
I got hit.
" Just leaves that hanging there.
Well, it's the truth.
I mean, what do you want her to say? I want her to say, "I-I'm a terrible UFC fighter.
" Because I looked up her record: 0 and 14.
Terrible UFC fighter.
She got no business being in the ring.
You know what you should do, Fatima-wise? Tell her a joke.
No.
I'm not gonna do that.
Where did Hitler keep his armies? I don't care.
Up his sleevies.
I don't even know where that is.
- Up his sleevies.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
All right.
No, I thought you said, I thought you said "Upper Slieves.
" Like that was a place in Europe or something.
I no, I-I get it.
Up his sleevies you need to enunciate better.
Yeah, you are horrible at jokes.
Which is why I'm not telling her a joke.
You know, I can teach you the art of joke-telling.
That's not necessary.
- You want to know the secret? - Not really.
C-FAPP.
- C-FAPP? - Mm-hmm.
C: casual.
F: familiar.
Is if you're gonna use cheese in a joke, instead of saying "cheese," you say "Sargento.
" And then, uh, "A" is accent.
If you can do a little funny voice or an accent, it always makes the joke better.
Right.
PP? Pregnant pause.
Good.
That's great.
And, uh, I'm not gonna do it.
Okay.
For example.
Hey, did I tell you the one about [WHISPERS.]
C.
- Casual.
Right.
- Mm-hmm.
the musical octopus? A guy walks into a Chili's with an octopus.
- Familiar.
That's good.
- Mm-hmm.
And he says, "50 bucks to anybody that can play an instrument better than this octopus.
" All right? So, the first guy, he walks up, and he has a guitar.
The octopus takes the guitar, he starts playing it like he's Jimi Hendrix.
- Hmm.
- All right? He's just shredding it.
He loses.
The next guy is a Scottish guy.
- He has a set of bagpipes.
- Right.
The octopus just stares at the bagpipes.
The Scottish guy goes, [SCOTTISH ACCENT.]
"So, you can't play this, can you?" Is that an accent or a silly voice? - It's an accent.
- Okay.
And the octopus says, "Play it? "As soon as I figure out how to get his pajamas off I'm gonna fuck it.
" [LAUGHS.]
So, the octopus can talk? Is that the joke? No, you are seriously, like, a joke retard.
Well, okay.
I'm sorry, I just got a little angry.
Are we saying the "R" word now? No, we're not.
- Well, you just said it to me.
- It's late.
Not so funny.
JANICE: It's just to give Daryl, my fiancé, a little break.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just so he can have some space.
Everyone needs space.
JANICE: It's fun to be at work with Mommy, isn't it? - Hmm.
Yeah.
- It's fun, right? He can pretend to clock in and clock out, get fired.
Yeah.
It's fun to play in an office.
[CAMERA CLICKING.]
- Uh - JANICE: Okay.
I think it's your bedtime.
We set up a little sleeping area over there.
Isn't that cute? You're gonna be like a little woodland creature.
- Like you're sleeping underneath a bridge.
- Hmm.
[KISS NOISES.]
God, he's cute.
[QUIETLY.]
He is? Do you know what the most Googled question is? "Is my husband gay?" Really? Yeah.
Oh.
That's sad.
I wouldn't say it's sad.
I mean, don't judge those people.
They're reaching out for help.
That's what Google's there for.
So, they just Google it and hopefully they'll get an answer.
- You know what? - Yeah.
Because I might be one of those people.
Are you one of those people? Let's just say that I might be having some issues on the home front that is kind of stressing me out a little bit today.
All right? - Yeah.
- I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
If you did want to talk about it, you can I don't know if you have any desire to ever get married, Fatima, but I just hope you don't get involved with a man who claims to know nothing, when one afternoon, a very well-dressed gay gentleman no hair, bald holding a bouquet of flowers, shows up at your doorstep and claims to have been in a online relationship with Daryl for quite some time.
And his goal is to leave his entire family just to be with him.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, okay.
But like I said, I don't want to discuss it.
Work is not the place to discuss these kinds of things.
Damn it, I just kick myself, you know? I should've seen the signs.
He'd always been a very generous tipper.
Very generous.
ADRIAN: Hey, you want to hear a secret? Nope.
Not not one bit? Not one bit.
You know what, maybe I'm not gonna tell you.
Okay, great.
You're gonna have a baby brother.
[LAUGHS.]
I've been dying to tell you this.
You got my mom pregnant? No, no, no, no.
No, not yet.
But I'm gonna.
Yeah.
You're sure about that? [SCOFFS.]
What are you talking about? I am bursting, like a like a tub of fresh yogurt.
Thick Greek yogurt.
Does that make sense? - Endless supply.
- Okay, okay, okay, I got it.
I got it.
Uh how old are you, actually? You mean my real age or my sperm age? 'Cause I'll give you my sperm age: 19.
- That's not a thing sperm age.
- That is a thing.
It's just coming to light in scientific circles now.
They don't even care how "old" you are, they just ask you now, "What's your sperm age?" And I'm 19.
I came from the ball sack of a 19-year-old.
And young sperm begets young sperm.
There you have it.
Your dad was old, right? He was older.
Older.
Older gentleman? How did you know my dad was older? You have what they call in the medical profession, "old-ball face.
" You came from old balls.
Yeah, that's the face that's an old-ball face right there.
- What the fuck? - No-no-no - Old-ball face? - Th-This is not a bad thing.
Look, a lot of handsome guys have had that distinguished, withered look.
Ronald Reagan.
Anyone in any of the westerns, you know, from 1950s on.
I mean, it was a complete asset.
Someone like me, I wouldn't get hired.
Old baby face here, you know, they'd show me the door.
Now, see, I came from young balls.
Yeah.
I'm strong.
I've never been to a doctor.
I've never seen the inside of a hospital.
I've never watched a medical show.
All right? I mean, if I get a paper cut, it just scabs up there's no blood.
All right? I don't need glasses, I don't have health insurance, I've never broken a bone, I never will.
I've never sprained a ligament.
I can do that.
No big deal.
Didn't hurt your knee or anything? - Not one bit.
- No.
So, anyway I would love to test this theory.
- Be my guest.
- Just-just punch you one good time, right in the face.
I'm probably too quick, you know, for you to even punch me.
Whew.
Could've got you.
Could've.
Didn't.
JANICE: Car 55, thanks for checking in.
Out.
Aw.
Look at him sleeping.
When they look like that, it makes you fall in love with 'em all over again.
Mmm.
Yeah.
I'm a little worried about him, though.
- Fatima? - Hmm? - I'm saying I'm a little worried about - Yeah.
- I'm just checking in to the - We can talk.
That can wait.
I'm saying I'm a little worried about him, my teenage boy.
Oh.
You know, at school, you know, the girls are kind of picking on him a lot, teasing him, - making fun of him.
- Oh.
Yeah.
So I encouraged him to write to his cousin Georgia.
He's never met Georgia, and she's a little bit older, but I thought it'd be nice to have a pen pal.
Mm-hmm.
You know, get in the habit of writing nice letters, and plus, it helps with the handwriting, because his handwriting is atrocious.
- Right, it's a lost art.
- Yeah.
So he would give me the letters, and I would pretend to mail 'em, and I would write back as Georgia.
- Wait, you would write back as Georgia? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want him really writing Georgia; she's a whore.
So, then they'd go back and forth, and he developed quite a crush on her.
So, I wrote back, you know, as Georgia, saying that I kinda liked him, too.
But they're cousins, right? Yeah, but it's me writing it.
Right.
That's better, better that way.
It's better.
So, the letters are getting hot and heated, they're getting suggestive, they're getting a little filthy.
Oh.
But I'm going along with it, because at the same time, it's kind of adorable.
They're at that age, they're just experimenting with the writing it's cool, you know? So, then he started putting pictures of himself - in these letters.
- Wow.
Photos of Photos of his? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm his mother, and I've seen it all before.
It's not a big deal.
So, anyway, so now he wants a picture of Georgia.
- So, I'm in a little bit of a bind - Mm - So, I know this is - Yeah, I can see that's - that's tough.
What are you gonna do? - Yeah, but it's last-minute, and I could really I'm asking you for a favor, if maybe I could have a naked picture of you from the neck down that I can put in the next letter, which is due tomorrow.
No.
No, I'm Janice, I'm not gonna do that.
No, I think you're misunderstanding.
It's just from the neck down.
- I mean, he's seen your face.
- Absolutely not.
I don't want your son to have a naked photo of me.
It's not a big deal.
Kids do it all the time.
[SCOFFS.]
What, do you want me to go up to a complete stranger and just ask a stranger for a naked picture? Let me tell you something.
One day, you're gonna have a kid, and you're gonna come to me, and you're gonna ask me for a naked picture.
You know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna say yes.
Because that's the decent thing to do.
Okay? Oh, I get it.
It's cool.
You don't speak English.
Mmm.
I get it.
You don't understand.
Yeah.
Did you know I'm fucking your mother tonight? Uh, I'm getting very, like, upset inside.
You do speak English.
I think we should get back to work, cabrón.
This is a Wait-wait-wait, don't be a pussy, all right.
Just relax.
Okay? How did you get into the cartel, anyway? It was kind of a classic story, you know.
I, um, I needed the money really badly.
And they threatened to kill me.
Horribly.
[RECORDED LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
Wh-What is that? It's a laugh-track key ring.
eBay, hilarious.
Well, I mean, they did kill my dog in front of me, so [LAUGH TRACK.]
[LAUGHING.]
I really loved Panchito [LAUGH TRACK.]
As you probably can guess, I am comedian.
Never would have guessed that.
- Yeah.
- No.
Ideas, thoughts, images.
It's all going towards my comedy special.
- Oh.
A comedy special, huh? - Yeah.
In America, they give them out like hot dogs.
- Do you know what mine's called? - No.
"Digger With Attitude.
" [LAUGH TRACK.]
Oh.
I don't get it.
I'm digging all the way to America.
See? - But I have an attitude.
- [LAUGH TRACK.]
Oh, is that a joke? Damn it, I thought that was good.
Oh, it's okay.
It's just a little Um, let's get some cracking done, you know.
Yes.
Yes.
Go ahead.
I have to I have a migraine.
All right, man.
Hey, digger with attitude.
Huh? - [LAUGH TRACK.]
- Yeah, okay.
Try not to laugh.
Okay.
CULLEN: Hey, speaking of going on dates, what about you? Did you ever end up going deep-sea fishing with that Leon guy? - Remember him? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was fine.
Nothing to tell.
Nothing to tell? That is a tell.
Okay, there's something to tell.
Yeah, I can tell.
So, uh, yeah, we, uh, - went deep-sea fishing, you know - You did do it? - Wow.
- Yeah, we got out there on the ocean, we cast our lines out, we're sitting there, we, uh, waiting, waiting.
Finally, I get a bite.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- I was the first one to get a bite.
- Okay.
And, uh, I'm pulling it, and it feels like - this is a pretty big fish, you know? - Yeah.
I pull it up, and it is a tuna, just like Leon said and - Oh, wow.
- It was beautiful.
- Really? - One of God's creatures right there in front of me, you know.
Anyways, we get it up on the boat, and, uh, Leon says, "We got to kill it.
" Okay.
So he hands me this fish bat.
- Fish bat? - Yeah.
It's like an aluminum bat But like a, like a, like a baseball bat? Yeah, like a baseball bat, but with, like, a hook on it.
Right.
And he just starts beating the head of the tuna.
- Beating it? - Yeah, because you don't want to ruin the body and the skin, and so you just beat it with the bat on its head and so, we start beating this tuna.
I mean, blood was just squirting everywhere.
Well, you know what the worst thing was? What? The tuna, they make a noise when they get hit.
What kind of noise? [SCREAMING.]
- No, they don't.
Come on.
- Yes.
Have you ever hit a tuna with a tuna bat? No.
- Then shut up and listen.
- Okay.
- It's horrible.
- Okay.
It literally was like beating a large dog.
And the thing wouldn't die.
So, Leon brought these poles out.
They were long and they were pointy at the end, basically spears.
And then we just started poking this thing in the head.
Are you talking about just poked - or you were stabbing it through the head? - Stabbing it.
Man, it was tougher than I thought.
You know.
So, anyways, we get back to shore, and, you know I don't know, that was it, I guess.
What, what? - You got back to shore and what? - Well, you know, we were covered in blood and, uh, we, uh, went back to take a shower.
Together? Together what? Did you shower together? Me and Leon? Yeah.
Um, no, I, uh, I got in the shower alone.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, oh, but he did get in.
While you were in there? Yes.
So you were together? Uh, yeah, I don't really recall.
I know Well, the way you've described it is you said you went in there and then he went in there.
So, in my mind, I've got you both in there.
Right.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
So And so, were you wearing clothes? Or were you showering naked? Well, I did take my clothes off, so I guess you could say I was naked.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- And Leon? - Uh Was he clothed or was he naked? I don't remember.
- Don't remember? - Don't recall.
- Hmm.
You don't remember that detail? - No.
Feels like the kind of detail you might remember.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It was a big day, so, I don't know.
I can't recall.
Hmm.
Anyways, the point is, I got a lot of tuna, so if you want some tuna, just let me know.
Okay.
I don't know if that is the point, but okay.
Where's my mom? She's on a break.
Do you have any videos of you in the nude? - No.
- Yeah, yeah, you do.
Or even just titties.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, Mase.
Your mom told me about Georgia.
- You and your cousin.
- Oh, yeah.
- Did she? - Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, it was really revealing.
Getting really into it, huh, with your cousin Georgia? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Writing back and forth, - getting really explicit.
- Mm-hmm.
I think that's normal.
She's your cousin, though.
So that's a little weird.
Some people would say that's a little weird.
Do you think that's weird? No.
It doesn't bother me.
Hmm.
Okay, well, uh, news flash, you're not writing to your cousin Georgia.
You're writing to your mom.
Your mom is pretending to be your cousin Georgia.
And that's who you're exploring your sexuality with.
I know it was Mom.
I don't care.
I knew from the first time.
They're just words.
I use them for my own needs.
I can compartmentalize.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
JANICE: Up, up, up, up, up.
There you go.
Okay.
Ah.
How'd you two get along? Good? You know, before I met you, I pictured you as a fat guy.
What? My mom told you I was fat? No.
No.
It's your name.
Angus.
It's always the name of a fat guy.
Angus is a fat name? Yeah.
Do you not name-profile? - No.
No, I don't.
- Yeah.
Angus is fat.
Damien is a jerk.
Never met a good Trevor.
John is a pedophile.
Well, or, of all the pedophiles, there's gonna be a higher percentage that are Johns.
Kate, well, everyone's fucked a Kate.
Right? I haven't fucked a Kate, no.
But you fingered her.
Fingered one? No.
If I go to the bank right? And the bank teller is named either Brad, Joshua or Gabriela, then I know they're gonna be attentive and they're gonna provide me great service.
This makes no sense, Adrian.
I'm telling you.
You learn how to name-profile, it's gonna cut at least 20, 30 hours out of your month of just wasting time.
Okay.
What about, like a Raul? Raul? Raul, not a problem.
Unless, if you got on an airplane, the pilot says, "Good afternoon, I'm your pilot, Raul," get off.
FATIMA: Car 27, please report.
- Car 27, please report.
- No, no, no, mine, mine, mine.
Car 27, uh, no activity.
How are you, Fatima? Um, fine.
CULLEN: That's great.
Hey, uh, you like music? Do I like music? Um, yeah.
Great.
Car 27, you're on open channel.
Oh.
Yeah, sorry.
Yeah, uh, flip over to channel three, please, Fatima.
Copy that.
Just tell her a joke.
C-FAPP.
Okay, okay.
All right.
So, casual, casual.
- Casual.
- Okay, Ch-Chili's.
- No, Chili's? - They have a okay.
Chili's.
- Are you there, Fatima? - Yeah.
CULLEN: Uh, yeah, I was just did I ever tell you about there's-there's an octopus inside a Chili's.
- What? - There there's there's a Chil There's a Chili's that an octopus has-has gone into.
- What when did this happen? - I think that's isn't that right? Are you telling me a joke? Abandon that joke.
- What is that? - Hitler.
I don't know what oh, right, okay, okay, oh, yeah, no, no, no, I'm good.
Um, where did Hitler keep his armies? Where? - Up his or up - Up his.
Okay.
Up his sleevies.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
That was a good one.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
It is good.
And I think the important thing to note, what makes it good, is that we're laughing at the man, not with him 'cause, I he was, you know, which-whichever you cut it, I he was not a good guy.
And, uh, you know, I think it's okay to laugh at them.
But I think, if we're making them, uh Would you just ask her out on a fucking date? Okay.
Yeah, and I was, I was just thinking, that maybe you and I could, uh, we could go somewhere, you know, we could have, we could go to a Chili's, you know, anywhere.
We could go to a place.
Are you asking me out on a date? Yes.
- Sure.
- [SIGHS.]
[STIFLED LAUGHTER.]
- That's great.
- That's great.
Thank you.
Okay, we'll talk later.
Dispatch out.
- Oh, my God.
- We did it.
- I did it.
- We did it.
- I We did it.
- We did it.
- Whoa.
- Oh, man.
Oh, my God.
You know, you're gonna need another joke for the date.
I don't need another joke.
I got the Hitler joke.
That got me the date.
Are you kidding? You're gonna be in a nice, romantic restaurant.
You need another joke.
Okay, okay, tell me another joke.
Two vomits are walking down the street near the San Diego Zoo.
All right.
And one-one vomit stops and he gets really sad.
The other vomit goes, "Hey, what's wrong with you?" And the first vomit says, "Oh, it's just that this is the corner where I was brought up.
" [LAUGHS.]
That's pretty good.
Because it was brought up in the zoo.
No.
It was brought up on that corner.
Right.
But the-the-the zoo.
It was brought up and lived in-in the zoo.
There was like a vomit enclosure.
The zoo has nothing to do with it.
The zoo is the, uh, is the "F," familiar, making it familiar.
CULLEN: Right.
That's what makes it funny.
TOLBECK: No, that's not what makes it funny.
CULLEN: No, I think that's good.
So, these two vomits, uh, live at the zoo Kissy-kiss Goosey, goosey On my list One, two, three, four Five or six All the girls Dressed in green All the boys Skinny jeans Owls and fish Kissy-kiss Goosey, goosey On my list.