No Good Nick (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

The Pigeon Drop

Congratulations, Mr.
I know you went above and beyond the call to make this happen.
Are you kidding, man? With your charisma, it was all you.
Okay, that's fair.
[CELLPHONE BUZZES] Sorry, gotta take this.
That's probably my social worker.
Hey, Dad, what's up? Hey, Nicky, I got great news.
I talked to the lawyer.
He said he'll take my case.
Oh, my God, are you serious? Yeah, he's confident he can get my conviction overturned.
I could be home by Halloween.
And then, this would all be over? Yeah, that's right.
And, oh, this guy, he is the best criminal defense attorney in the state, but he won't take my case until he gets five grand.
Ooh, that's a lot of money.
Yeah, I know, kiddo, but I've already arranged for you to deliver the payment at noon on Saturday.
Wait, how am I supposed to get $5,000 by noon on Saturday? I know It's a lot to ask, but he's filing some kind of petition with the court on Monday, so this is our only shot.
He's just coming in to collect that money, Nick, so please don't be late.
It's on Stokes, across from the movie theater.
I've got it.
It's just a lot to steal from the Thompsons, I No, no, trust me.
They're not even gonna miss it.
Remember, we're just righting a wrong here, kiddo.
We've got one chance to get me out of prison, so you need to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Someone stole all of my art equipment! This is literally a kick in the teeth.
You know that's not what literally means? I am so sorry this happened to you.
But at least your homeowner's insurance will pay for it, right? It's covered, but more importantly, someone broke into our house.
Broke in or walked in? It wouldn't be the first time you left the garage open all night.
I closed it, I swear.
Mom doesn't care that you lost something important to you.
She only cares about proving she's right.
Oh, so are you still mad about missing beach clean-up? Cool.
I wanna know how many weeks that's gonna last, - so I can put it in my day planner.
- Will you two just stop arguing and focus on the criminal act that was perpetrated against us? So are you gonna dust for prints? No.
I think I got what we need.
Then when is the canine unit gonna get here? We don't do that for this kind of case.
So what are the next steps? I file this report, the insurance company writes you a check, then I try and solve a real crime.
Maybe you could solve the case of the mother who ruined her daughter's life.
Or the case of the daughter who had a life because her mother made her go to the doctor.
You've been fighting all week.
No wonder we didn't hear them steal anything.
Guys, this is getting outta hand.
We have to do something about this.
"We"? You started this fire.
Okay, folks, I'm gonna go ahead and consider this case closed.
It looks like this thief is gonna get away with it.
Whoever he is.
Er seat's saved, kid.
Yeah, Todd, for me.
You're Furious Nick? Yep.
Can I get a cola? So I was hired to steal a bunch of stuff by a kid, great.
Just when I was starting to feel good about myself.
Look, just keep it together and pay attention.
I've arranged a buyer for the equipment.
[LAUGHS] I already have the goods.
Why do I need help from some snot-nosed kid? [NICK] Hm.
Listen up, bonehead.
You don't even know what you stole.
This is highly specialized equipment.
You put the stuff on Craigslist, the cops will be at your door in ten minutes.
Hey, I am not a bonehead.
I have a BA in sports management.
Then jog on over to this address, and go sell the stuff.
Meet me back here Saturday morning with the money.
Just one question what's to stop me from cutting you out of the action? Phil [BANGS GLASS ON BAR] Phil here has your name, and your address, and if you don't show up here with my money, Phil will find you and Phil will hurt you.
Okay, okay, I'll be here.
Oh, and put this on his tab.
Yeah, that it's on me.
I got it.
Okay, next.
What topping goes on your perfect sundae? Sprinkles, nuts, or Oreo crumbles? - All three.
- You have to pick one.
BuzzFeed quizzes are serious business.
[SIGHS] Okay, it's close, but sprinkles.
Based on your perfect sundae, your Game of Thrones character is [BOTH THUMPING ON BED] Arya! Which makes sense because I got Sansa, and they're sisters, which is basically us.
[BOTH GIGGLE] Awesome.
We should dress as them for Halloween.
[NICK GASPS] I Yeah, yeah.
Ah, well Yeah, Halloween is a long way away.
Who knows if we'd still be into that by then.
Er, yeah, okay.
Well, don't forget we are doing that live streaming event today for all my followers.
Oh, no, is that today? I thought it was next Saturday.
I made plans to see a friend.
But we were gonna write letters to support civil rights for convicted felons.
I'm sorry.
She moved to Idaho.
She's only in town today.
Oh, well, that sucks.
I was hoping to spend the day with you.
Well, I guess we have the rest of our lives to write letters together.
Let's go grab some breakfast.
You know what? I'm gonna grab something to eat with my friend.
Are you sure? Ever since you got here, Mom's been going all out for breakfast.
I think she's making apple raisin challah French toast.
Yeah, it's fine.
I'll just catch you later.
Have fun today.
Ah, okay.
[HOUSE ALARM SOUNDS] Sorry about that! I didn't know it was live yet! Uh, what just happened? We are installing a security system.
Surprise! Welcome to Thompson Family Safety Day.
For the next three hours, we are on lockdown.
This break-in was a personal violation.
It's my duty to protect this family.
[NICK GASPS] We're gonna make this house an impenetrable fortress.
I'm meeting a friend.
- My followers are waiting - I've a student council meeting.
Nobody leaves! I don't want to hear any excuses.
We need to start taking safety seriously in this house.
Lisa Haddad is still upset I beat her for president.
If I miss this meeting, she'll sense a power vacuum and assume control.
My followers are waiting for me to lead the letter-writing campaign.
I really need to meet my friend.
I'm sorry, all these social activities are optional.
Family safety is mandatory.
[NICK GROANS] What about closing the garage, is that optional or mandatory? I thought it was mandatory, but it sure seems pretty optional.
Ha ha! Your snark is much appreciated, but I'm telling you, I closed the garage.
[SIGHS] Look, I've got a big day planned for us.
Trust me, it's gonna be super fun.
[EVERYONE GROANS] Come on, guys, this is important.
I bet you're gonna have a blast and learn a lot.
Okay, bye.
Where you going? I have to do inventory at the restaurant.
Oh, so Mom can leave, but we have to stay here for this fascist indoctrination? After she made me miss beach clean-up.
Great news! The tide came in, and the beach needs cleaning up again.
I move we table Family Safety Day.
My friend has a limited window to meet up.
All right, everyone stop.
Liz, have Eduardo handle the inventory, Molly, write letters later, Nick, your friend can wait, Jeremy, we know it's not a meeting.
It's a pancake breakfast.
This is really important, and everyone's gonna do it.
Besides, it'll be nice to spend some time together as a family.
- This is an abuse of power.
- We will fight this.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Molly Mob.
We were supposed to live stream our letter campaign for prisoner rights, but in an ironic twist, I've become a prisoner in my own home.
If Lisa tries to turn the student council against my presidency while I'm stuck here, it's on you, Dad.
I can live with that.
I want to know everything down to the last peppercorn.
And, no, that's not a type of corn.
Can we get this rolling? May I have your attention? While they finish installing the system, we will begin phase one of Thompson Family Safety Day, emergency preparedness drills.
Mom and I are on suitcase duty, Molly is in charge of meal kits, Jeremy will grab the bottled water, and since Nick is part of the family, she's on flashlight duty.
Now, I'm gonna go downstairs and clock our response time.
The time to beat is 98 seconds.
- If we beat the time, can we leave? - No.
But if you beat the time, you might not get burned alive.
Actually, most people die of smoke inhalation well before they get burned.
Now I see that's not a fun fact to say out loud.
[ED] All right, people, wait for my signal.
Emergency preparedness drills or military exercises? You decide.
Oh, great.
Lisa just ordered a round of table bacon.
I'm screwed.
[DAD, YELLING] Go, go! Dad is nuts.
[MOLLY] You're just figuring that out? [NICK] Man, he's the worst, but hurry up.
Yo, Todd, it's Furious Nick.
How am I doing? Yeah, I'm furious! Just listen.
Change of plans.
I'm stuck here.
So you need to bring the money to me.
I don't care.
I have to get that money to someone by noon, so just do it.
[SIGHS] [CRASH] [BATTERIES RATTLE ON FLOOR] Okay, team, I have to be honest, that was really bad.
The good news is, there's nowhere to go but up.
Let's go again! What? Are you serious? Come on, man.
This is ridiculous.
In case you didn't realize, you'd all be dead now.
I wish.
Okay, guys, come on, it's important to be ready in an emergency.
Hey, hey.
What are you really trying to do here? Well, all this fighting, it is my fault.
I'm just trying to be a problem solver.
Actually, that is kind of proactive.
I approve.
As I continue to live stream my own confinement instead of our letter-writing campaign, I urge you to consider, as the walls that divide us grow taller, are we as a people growing smaller? [PANICKING] Oh, my God, Lisa just threw down her mom's credit card.
She's paying for everything! - Cell phones off, please.
- [CLICKS] Now that the system is running, we are ready to begin phase two of Thompson Family Safety Day: security training.
This is a simple system.
Numeric keypad, four digit code We can figure it out.
- Can we skip to phase three? - I do have to explain the system.
Six-zone system with individual bypass, key entry, motion sensor, and exterior cameras I'm guessing.
Is this almost over? We have important things to do today.
- Wait.
What is that I smell? - [GASPS] Macho Nachos? Macho Nacho Supreme.
Nice try, Dad.
You can't bribe us with a plate of Mom's nachos.
The hell he can't.
Seriously? Look, there's five kinds of cheeses in here.
That, my friends, is how the military industrial complex operates, bribing honest people into submission.
Everyone has their price.
Mine is queso fresco.
[CELLPHONE BUZZES] This is probably my friend.
Where are you, man? I'm here.
Do you have the money? Yeah, but there's security vans in the driveway.
Just leave the money in the mailbox.
I'm not getting out of my car! There's cameras all over the house! I got warrants, man! Okay, how about this? I'll pretend to order a pizza.
You show up and deliver it with the money.
- Where am I supposed to get a pizza? - Just go buy one, Todd! [DAD] Come on, Nick, you're missing the best part! [GASPS] Oh, good, Nick! Welcome to phase three: self-defense training.
Seriously? It's actually kind of cool.
He taught us how to smash someone's nose into their brain.
Violence is not the answer.
We upgraded to the titanium package.
They not only teach us how to secure our homes, but how to secure ourselves.
It's really our best value.
Okay, attacker, let's do it again.
Grab his wrist and twist.
- [ED GROANS] - [EVERYONE GIGGLES] Well, hello there.
Me next.
I'm gonna take down Dad.
Erm Upon further reflection, I believe that self-defense is personal empowerment, and every young woman owes it to herself to find her inner warrior.
I want in on this.
All right, let's switch it up, let the kids go.
I want you to grab Jeremy's arm like you're gonna hurt him.
That I can do.
Ow! Hey, not that hard.
It has to be realistic.
Free hits on Jeremy.
Er, sounds fun, but I'm getting hungry.
Anyone mind if I order a pizza? - I'll make you one.
- No! I mean, no, thanks.
I'm just more in the mood for one of those greasy, gas-station quality pizzas you hate.
Be right back.
Come on, you can do it! [EVERYONE GIGGLES] Nick, you try.
It's okay, I'm good.
Come on, it's fun.
[SECURITY GUY LAUGHS] [SECURITY GUY] Now, grab his wrist, twist - [NICK SHOUTS] - [JEREMY THUDS] [ED LAUGHS] Yep, I think she's getting the hang of it.
Remind me never to attack her.
I wouldn't do that in the first place, so you don't really have to remind me.
Let's go again, people.
Someone order a pizza? Where's the cheese? It's on the pizza.
No, I mean, the special side of cheese.
Like cheddar cheese.
This one has extra cheese on top, like you requested.
Everything okay? Yep, all good.
Oh, God.
What, no tip? - [NICK BOOTS THE DOOR] - Okay.
- Can I have a slice? - No! [SIGHS] What I meant was, you can't have a slice until I put the Parmesan on it.
This looks terrible.
Ah, you get what you pay for.
Well, I'm gonna give these guys a negative Yelp review.
Er, come on! Let's do some more self-defense training.
Time to strangle Mom.
You sound too excited about that.
You know what? I really have to go.
Can I be excused to meet my friend? - We're almost done, right? - Just a bit longer.
I need to go now.
What's going on? Well, the truth is, I'm not going to meet a friend.
You're not? I didn't wanna say anything, but I was actually gonna see a movie by myself.
They're having a special screening of The Breakfast Club.
It was me and my dad's favorite movie.
It's only playing today.
Sweetie, why didn't you say something? I don't know.
I guess I didn't want to miss Family Safety Day.
- Of course you can go.
- Need a ride? No, I'm good.
I just need to be alone.
But thanks.
- [MOLLY SHOUTS] - [JEREMY THUMPS] You better make a doctor's appointment, Mom, 'cause you're up next.
[MOLLY] Whoa! [THUMPS] [MUM, GIGGLING] Oh, really? [MUM] Oh! Oops.
[THUMPS] - Hey, I'm coming in! - [JEREMY] No, no! [EVERYONE LAUGHS] [DOOR BANGS] Going somewhere? What are you doing here? I heard that there was a robbery at the Thompson house, which is weird, because I don't remember getting a call about any stolen goods to fence.
Yeah, exactly.
I was just coming to see you since you didn't cut me in on my 50 percent.
What are you talking about? - We didn't rob the joint.
- Well, neither did I.
- I thought you went rogue.
- That's what I thought about you.
You're telling me this was a real robbery? Yeah, apparently.
Ed left the garage door open.
It's like he was begging to get robbed.
What an idiot.
Well, anyway, how are you? Good.
You? Yeah, good.
We miss you.
Really? I'm serious.
We don't take in kids just to scam the system.
We actually care.
That's sweet.
So what are you up to now? Probably just see a movie.
- By yourself? - Yeah.
Oh, don't be crazy.
I'll join you.
Yeah, actually this will work out great.
It's the theater on Stokes.
Let's hurry, I don't wanna miss the previews.
[NICK SLURPS ON HER STRAW] [SIGHS] Oh, man, you were right about drinking too much soda before the movie.
Now I totally need the bathroom.
Strickland! Wait, I'm here.
I've got the money for my dad.
Wow, you are just in time.
I was about to give up on you.
Here you go, $5,000.
It's all there.
It's a little greasy, It's fine.
We'll just launder it.
[LAUGHING] I'm kidding.
That is a little lawyer humor.
Do you think you can get my dad's conviction overturned? I wouldn't take this case if I didn't think so.
I can't make any promises, but I predict you'll see your father very soon.
I declare Thompson Family Safety Day a success.
Yeah, it kinda was.
The security of this family is important, but more important, we got to spend the day together.
- When's the last time we did that? - Thompson Family Therapy Day? At least I got to strangle Molly.
And I got to strangle Mom.
I liked that part.
I know that you all had other plans today.
I did keep you here a long time on purpose.
I wanna say thank you for indulging me.
Now, go.
Be free.
Or on the other hand, we could try Thompson Family Poker Game.
You remembered! But you'd really rather hang out some more than do all of your stuff? No, it's just that all our other stuff is over.
I forgot, how do we secure the garage? That's where the robbery happened.
Only way to secure a garage is close the door.
All right.
You missed the previews.
Everything okay? Yeah.
It's all good now.
I didn't know you were coming in today.
I needed to review the O'Connor deposition one more time.
Can I help you? Nope.
I'm good.