No Good Nick (2019) s01e07 Episode Script

The Charity Mugger

You're coming home right now.
Hey! What's taking so long? Where's the ring? There is no ring.
It's a bust, just like everything else she's promised us.
We're pulling her out now.
I am not going anywhere.
We made a plan to rip off the Thompsons.
No, you made the plan and convinced us to go along with it.
But don't forget, we're your legal guardians, so we call the shots.
Now go, pack.
Sure, I'll come home with you.
Oh, and while I'm there, I'll call Child Services, and let them know about the scams you're running with your other nine foster kids.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
Let's not get excited.
I wonder how they'll feel about the magazine subscription racket, the solar panels con, or the kids you have selling candy for their "hockey uniforms.
" The "hockey uniforms" are real.
The Harbaugh Hawks made the playoffs.
I don't care.
You'll go to jail for 10 to 20, and I won't even get community service.
You didn't know anything about the con game before you came to us.
We taught you everything you know, and this is how you repay us? Yeah, you did teach me everything I know, and that's why I know I have the upper hand here.
I want my money! And I'll get you your money! On my timeline.
Now, if we're done here, I've got to get to bed.
I've got a geometry quiz in the morning.
But we'd better see some cash real soon, or I'm calling your bluff.
- Good luck on your quiz.
- Thanks.
What's happening? What did I miss? You missed the saddest GoFundMe ever.
Some kid named Omar from across town was the only member of his family to survive a salmon-fishing accident.
And now, he has to raise money for the funeral because income inequality.
We don't even know him, and this has totally ruined my day.
I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to raise money for my own parents' funeral.
Oh, I would be great at that.
What? I'm really good at fundraising.
Hey, guys.
What's up? Have you seen that kid Omar's GoFundMe? I don't know what you're talking about.
What's a GoFindMe? Oh, my God, Dad, this GoFundMe I set up for "Omar" is making so much money.
If I had social media, I would have found out about GoFundMe ages ago.
Yeah, but you can't risk people recognizing you.
I know, but GoFundMe is crazy.
You just put up a sob story, and people give you money.
[LAUGHING] Man, the Internet is stupid.
And if the donations keep going up, honestly, we're making so much, this could be the last scam I ever have to pull.
I'll pay off your legal bills, you'll get out and life will be normal again.
Okay, Nicky, you know, one step at a time.
How will you get the money out of the GoFundMe? I'm setting up a bank account tomorrow.
Don't worry.
We're almost home free.
Thanks for drying.
What a treat.
[LIZ LAUGHS] Why are you being helpful? What are you up to? Nothing? It's my natural impulse.
I'm a very selfless person.
But in unrelated matters, is there any way you'd consider buying me a car now and letting me repay you later? Oh, see, I think you're confusing selfless with self-serving.
Honest mistake.
They're very similar, just completely opposite.
Look, before you say no, let me just present some facts.
I've applied for dozens of jobs, but they all require reliable transportation.
How am I supposed to save money to buy a car if I need a car to get a job? It's a classic Catch-22.
Okay, what jobs have you applied for? Let's see.
Policy analyst for our congressional district, hostage negotiator, and on-air personality for iHeartRadio.
You're not even remotely qualified for any of those jobs.
What? Sure I am.
I am a fixer.
I have great people skills and a can-do attitude.
You don't even have a high school diploma.
Okay, you need to apply for entry-level jobs.
There are no short cuts.
Of course there's shortcuts.
Our nation is built on shortcuts.
Do you think we settled for sailing all the way around South America just to get to the Pacific? No, we cut Panama in half.
With that attitude, it's shocking you haven't gotten a job.
Look, we're not gonna front you a car, but I know a job you can do to earn the money.
- What? - Work for me.
That works for me.
I'm so excited to open my first savings account.
Suze Orman says it's never too early to start saving for retirement.
Oh, my word, aren't you precocious.
[LAUGHS] I downloaded the paperwork, and filled it out to streamline the process.
You know, I wish all my customers were as organized as you.
I think you'll find everything is in order.
It looks great.
So are your parents parking? No.
I need them to sign for your account.
They've already signed the paperwork.
You'll see their signatures are very legibly indicated on lines 11 and 12.
I need them to sign in person.
Why? They trusted me to open this account on my own.
It's called "responsibility.
" It's called "being a minor.
" I need their IDs and wet signatures.
I can spit on them.
Come back with your parents, and I'll be happy to open your account.
Have a lollipop.
Hey, Nick, you're supposed to be in school.
Is everything all right? I was on the bus this morning, and I thought I lost my wallet.
That's where I keep my money.
And then I realized, if I had actually lost it, then I'd be left penniless and never go to college.
So I came right over to What I'm trying to say is, I need to open a bank account.
That takes a lot of smart financial planning, and obviously, you've come to the right place.
I'll do you one better.
Not only will I open your bank account, I will round up your $35 to a cool 100 bucks.
Really? That is so nice of you.
Hey, where's your desk candy? Under lock and key.
[THUD] I donated my weekly kombucha allowance to Omar's GoFundMe.
I just hope my digestive flora doesn't pay the price.
You are so brave.
Hey, Nick, did you hear about the latest Omar update? His puppy just died.
Oh, jeez, that's awful.
And on top of it all he got chicken pox.
The puppy got chicken pox? This poor kid can't catch a break.
If anyone deserves more donations, ah, it's him.
Oh, are you retweeting his GoFundMe? That's a great idea.
That is so cool of you.
He is gonna get so many more donations because of your powerful social media reach.
I post for those who can't.
Did you see Omar's GoFundMe hit 5k today? He is so lucky that Becky is promoting awareness of his situation.
She is single-handedly saving this kid's life.
[SIGHS] Becky shouldn't have to do it all by herself.
I'm sure she could use some help from someone who has an even larger reach.
Like me.
What a great idea! I'll retweet him and repost on Instagram.
You know, I'll even use "the Facebook" so old people see it.
[LAUGHS] Guys, guys! Did you see Omar's GoFundMe is at almost $8,000? It totally blew up after Molly posted about it.
I don't know how it can go any wider.
Of course it could go wider.
I'm gonna issue a challenge to my followers.
If we hit $10,000 by tomorrow, I will eat a Carolina Reaper chili pepper on camera.
They're called Reapers for a reason.
They're the hottest pepper in the world.
I'm not afraid of anything, except the extinction of the bees.
And also bees.
Have you seen the YouTube videos? One girl lost 30 percent of her tongue.
You are so gullible.
Half those videos are faked.
Even if half are faked, she still lost 15 percent of her tongue.
You'll mainly be delivering bread, clearing dishes, picking up used tissues.
Wait, I'm gonna be a busboy? Unless you prefer dishwasher? But nepotism? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] I assumed I was going to be the host.
Why are you wasting my leadership skills on such a menial position? That's what you're qualified for.
Everyone starts at the bottom, including me.
I paid my dues for two years before I was allowed near the chef's table.
Can I pay my dues on an expedited schedule? I've already expedited you, from unemployed to employed.
[SMACK] - [WINE TRICKLES] - [LIZ SIGHS] I don't think Jeremy has what it takes to succeed at anything resembling well, work.
What happened? He dropped a tray of cannoli I spent hours making, he spilled a pitcher of water over a customer, and he complained non-stop about breaks and labor laws.
I mean, take it to the union, buddy.
Well, I can't think of a better boss to whip him into shape.
On the bright side, our non-biological child that we didn't raise is doing great.
She came into the bank this morning to open a savings account for college.
Our kids would never be that responsible.
I'm both proud of Nick and ashamed of us.
I know, right? Check it out, I set it up so that I can track Nick's balance online.
Um, why can you see her account? I'm a senior loan officer.
I can track anyone's account.
Legally? Not per se.
[PHONE BEEPS] Whoa! Her sign up bonus just came in.
This is exciting.
- I have to go tell Nick.
- Wait.
Are you tracking my bank account? You have your own account? Oh, never mind.
It's not at your bank.
Oh, I see, so under the personal details menu So if I click withdraw, the GoFundMe money will be immediately available in my bank account? [CLICK] Yeah, that did it.
No, you have a great night.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Exciting news.
You remember how you get a $5 sign-up bonus for opening an account? - No.
- Well, it just came through.
You now have a grand total of $105, check it out.
You can see my account online? Well, sure.
People in this family don't seem to realize I'm a senior loan officer.
Whoa, what is going on? Now it says you have $10,000 in your account.
Man, someone screwed up royally.
I don't know how this happened.
We'll get that money back to wherever it belongs.
Good thing I checked.
Wait, stop! It wasn't a screw up.
I have to tell you something.
I created the GoFundMe.
[MOLLY] What? I met Omar in a group home, and I just felt so bad for him.
And then I got taken in by you guys and, you know, not every kid gets such a great family.
I wanted to do something nice for him.
Wow, Nick, that is so incredibly generous of you.
But then why did you lie about it? I didn't lie, I just didn't disclose.
Ah, save it for the impeachment hearings.
I thought that if everyone knew I did it, the story would be about me.
"The orphan raises money for other orphan.
" I wanted the focus to stay on Omar.
Now do you see the difference between selfless and self-serving? I get that you didn't want to tell everybody, but why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you.
Helping people is my thing.
I don't know.
I feel like it's not really doing a good thing if you need everyone else to know you did it.
Right? It's very sweet that you don't want to take the credit, but we won't let that happen.
We are so proud of you, the whole world should know what you did.
So we're gonna have a giant ceremony at the bank with one of those fun oversize checks.
Now doesn't that sound great? - Yes.
- No.
I'll have that money taken out of your account now and turned into a cashier's check that we can present to Omar in person.
Ooh, I know! The squad can raise awareness.
Maybe we can get a band, biodegradable balloons Guys, that is so nice of you, but I think Omar would rather have no ceremony.
Those huge checks are super fun, but I think he'd just prefer cash.
I think you're the one that doesn't want all the ceremony.
But, you know, we need more strong women like you, who take action and do good in the world.
You deserve this attention, you do.
Plus, you can hand Omar the check yourself.
Won't that make you feel good? So good.
- Hey.
- Hey, Nick, we gotta make this fast.
I'm fixing a poker game across town.
Unless you wanted to come.
I could use a good dealer.
No, I'm good, Omar, but thanks.
So do Sam and Dorothy know you're meeting me? They don't even know about the poker game.
All right, so here's the deal.
I used your name and picture to start a GoFundMe.
That was dumb.
You should've used a fake name and a photo of a rando.
Then when they find out about it, I lose everything.
Yeah, that makes sense.
So why did you use me? Because you're my favorite foster sibling.
[LAUGHS] And you have a naturally sad face.
I know, right? That is why I am Sam and Dorothy's top earner.
So what do you need me to do? Come to the bank tomorrow, stick to the script, and I'll give you 50 bucks.
Yeah, except, you already used my picture, so now I'm gonna need you to make it 60.
But you can't tell Sam and Dorothy.
This one is off the books.
I don't know why the Harbaughs say you're the smart one.
I'd have done it for 20.
[LAUGHS] Wow, you really played me.
[LAUGHS] I hope you enjoyed your kale salad, ma'am.
The chef personally massaged it for several minutes.
You're not supposed to talk to the customers.
You're a busboy.
That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you.
I am not busboy material.
I'm host material.
Why won't you let me work my magic? The only magic I wanna see from you is making those dirty dishes disappear.
Okay? So now go clear off table eight.
- Yes.
- Yes.
I'm sorry, we both just ordered the swordfish piccata, but I forgot to ask, can I get mine without the capers? Oh, I'm so sorry, we politely decline modifications.
Shall I make you another entree? No, it's fine, never mind.
I'll just stick with the swordfish.
I think you'll be very pleased.
Can you believe this place? "We politely decline modifications?" I politely decline to ever come back to this restaurant again.
Perhaps I can resolve this situation to your satisfaction, sir.
- I can get it without the capers? - Absolutely.
But I thought that your uptight chef said she wouldn't do it? Our chef has some outdated rules, but I, sir, am a fixer.
Let me work my magic.
I like him.
And when I found out that our own Nick Patterson had reached out to a fellow child in his hour of need, I was so proud.
This isn't about you, Dad.
Omar's story is filled with tragedy and hope, but today is a new chapter.
When I first heard about Omar, I knew I had to do something.
And thanks in part to the tireless work of the Molly Mob, we are all here today.
[CLAPPING] How does it feel to see all these people coming together to support you? No questions today.
Omar has been through enough.
Ah, ah, it's okay, I don't mind.
I gotta be honest.
You know, it feels good.
I am super-stoked to put that day on the ocean behind me.
You mean river.
River, ocean, whatever.
All I know is it was cold, it was wet, and it was super-sad.
How is your chicken pox? How's yours? Obviously, this is all very raw for Omar, and everything's a bit of a blur for him.
So maybe we just let him get his check and go home to grieve.
We support you, Omar.
The light in me bows down to the light in you.
Okay then.
So without further ado, here is the check for $10,000.
[CLAPPING] $10,000? You did not tell me it was for $10,000.
Surprise! And now, it's time for Becky's hot-pepper challenge.
Due to my unprecedented social-media power, my dedicated followers, the Beckanation, - Beck Beck! - Beck Beck! Raised an additional $2,000.
As promised, I will eat this Carolina Reaper, the hottest chili pepper in the world.
Boom! Beckanation in the [SCREAMS] Oh, my God! That burns! I told her.
You did not tell me the check was for 10k.
I want a lot more than 60 bucks when we cash it.
I set up the scam, I get the payout.
You're a day player here.
- You're getting very fairly compensated.
- But You are lucky I'm paying you anything after you almost blew it.
Checking in.
How was your dinner? I was right about the capers, wasn't I? I noticed you ate them all.
Actually I accommodated the customer's preference by meticulously removing the capers one by one.
You did what? The customer's always right.
Yeah, I was wrong.
It turns out, that without the capers, the swordfish tastes exactly like swordfish, which I now realize I do not care for.
I did exactly what you asked me to do.
You are throwing me under the bus, dude.
Oh, you're yelling at me, dude? I apologize, sir.
I can assure you that my original recipe would have been delicious, but since my employee tampered with the dish, I will now comp your entire meal, and I offer you free dessert on the house.
Thank you.
That would be wonderful.
We'll have the tiramisu.
No cocoa powder.
Nicely handled.
Okay, back to work.
No, no.
You are in hot water, buddy.
Your job is cleaning dirty dishes, not breaking restaurant rules! But I thought You knew better than me? I'm gonna tell you a little secret that they teach you in culinary school.
The customer is never right.
They don't know what they want.
They come so I can tell them what they want.
That's tyrannical.
No, that's gourmet cuisine.
He was never gonna come back.
I was helping you.
No, you were helping yourself.
You were trying to get promoted to host, but there are no shortcuts to experience.
If you'd been here more than a day, you'd have known that.
- As your boss, I should fire you.
- But how will I buy a car? Because you are my son, I'm gonna let you off easy.
I'm not firing you, but you are the one comping the meal.
That's gotta be like $90! Oh, way more.
Swordfish is market price, and you just bought two of 'em! So you two really thought you could outsmart me, huh? How did you find us out? [LAUGHS] Tracking app on your phone.
I told you to turn off your GPS.
But location services improves the performance of certain apps.
Nice going, Omar.
We were trying to keep this a surprise.
It was supposed to be an anniversary present for you and Dorothy.
50-50 split, like always.
You're embarrassing yourself.
I'm taking 100 percent.
What? You can't just cut us out.
It's written to Omar.
He has to cash it.
And who is his legal guardian? Oh, that's right, me.
So who has the upper hand now? You owe me.
You've been stringing me and Dorothy along for long enough.
Sam, please.
I really need that money.
It's so much.
I know.
I think I might buy a Jacuzzi.
Or a hot tub.
I'm not sure what the difference is, but it's gonna have bubbles.
But I am proud of you.
This scam is inspired.
Too bad you can't do it twice.
We are at Overton Bank with the Duniway High Volunteer Squad, witnessing history being made, where we've raised $10,000, hashtag "Support Omar," made possible by the hard work of concerned people like me and my followers, the Molly Mob.
We are trending because of all of you.
And here's the girl who inspired us all.
Nick Franzelli?