Nobodies (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

Call My Agent

1 (woman moaning) Oh, it's just a splash.
Craig, what are you doing? Oh, I'm just looking at pornography.
They took the Internet away from my computer, so - So you're on mine? - What do you have? I thought you guys got fired.
We got a little behind on our scripts.
That is the same thing T.
said right before they fired him off of "Toilet Monsters.
" - (cell phone ringing) - Oh, uh, uh Uh, Melissa McCarthy's videoing It's it's on your computer, too.
- Uh - Get it.
Craig, you gotta go.
Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig.
Hi! Hi.
Uh, Missy, you're on with me and Hugh and Larry.
Well, la-Di-da.
Hello, you lovely people.
I'm on a plane.
Does she know that she's on a video chat? Should we tell her? Hello? Uh, yeah, Mooch, you're Do you know you're on video chat? What? Oh, my God You know what You get so famous, you forget how to use a phone? Actually, I'm not sure where the speaker is, or if it's If it's toward the top or the the bottom, but, um I'm assuming you can Ashley, can you Can you just stick that in I mean, well, now, I'm I mean, just hold Just hold Well, not No! God, don't ever shoot Higher, higher, higher.
Okay, you wanna dial them back now.
Are they on? Oh, they're on.
Oh, hi! Hi! Tech Technical errors, beep, beep, beep.
Hi, guys.
Uh Listen, uh, Ben had me read "Mr.
First Lady" and I have to say, I loved it! - Oh, my God, that's great! - Yay! And the fact that you wrote "Mr.
First Lady" for Ben just broke my heart.
You know why? 'Cause people don't always think Ben Falcone, actor, anymore.
Ashley, you're drifting.
But the fact that you wrote it for him, guys, that's a biggie and I think he may have mentioned some lady in a pink hat maybe playing the president.
And I have to say, I love the idea.
- Oh! - Oh, my God, that's great.
- No way! - That's great.
I would love to do something where I wear suits.
Here's the thing, guys, just full disclosure, I am slotted to do this really exciting project with Vin Diesel.
Kind of a think piece, and, um he's playing George Washington and I will be playing Betsy Ross.
That's funny.
But I don't think if that works out, I can do two political movies back to back.
Oh, that's a real movie that you're talking about? You were serious.
Oh, yeah, very real.
"Is it a real movie?" Oh, my gosh, yes, it's so super real.
I mean, it's He's wearing a wig in it.
So it's real.
I mean, it still may be tricky because Vin's is a political piece, yours is a political script, and can I do two political pieces back to back? It's a tricky situation, but the important part is that Ben is so excited and Ben is in and Ben is your Mr.
First Lady.
Well, uh, you know, that is an important thing, but you are an important thing also.
Yeah, maybe more important.
I mean, not necessarily.
I wouldn't say one's more than the other.
Ben's just as important, but-but But the two of you together, it's like, perfect.
And definitely, you're more important.
It is so cute.
Ben has been playing around with different accents.
Oh, that's great Uh, what accents? He's doing this kind of Australian meets Cockney.
I mean, and the best part is, I can't understand, like, 99.
9 slash 100 percent of what he's saying.
Like, you can't tell what he's saying at all.
Ah Oh, uh, okay.
Um, that could be tough, as he has the lion's share of the dialogue in the the script.
I know, that's what makes it so funny, right? I mean, I'm telling you guys this.
Oh, it's amazing.
He's just walking around the house, hello children! Come on, get your porridge.
Huh? Matey? On the barby with you.
Ah ha That's pretty great.
That is pretty great.
You know what? Maybe my character is also from Australia.
Um So the president of the United States would be from there? I know that, you know, technically, yes, the president of the United States has to have been born in the country.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- That's the thing with that.
Yeah, that's an an official rule.
But that's where the spice can come in.
You guys have built the cake, I'm giving you I'm giving you the spice and maybe the frosting.
And really, you know, why do people like cake? For the spice and the frosting.
Definitely, that's an easy fix.
We'll, um We'll do anything you say.
Whatever you tell us to do, we will do, you will be funny no matter what.
Including if you do a normal accent.
You know what I want to make sure I set up? And Ashley can help you with this.
You have to meet with my dear friend and producing partner and force of nature, Howard Lang.
- That sounds great.
- Yeah, yeah, great.
Do it soon! Home office.
It overlooks a lake.
That's what I want.
- Nice.
- You'll get it.
This is amazing.
This is a wonderful home.
What if he asks who our representation is? We don't have a literary agent.
We could say my commercial agent.
In case he wants to cast us in a commercial? Oh, what about your brother-in-law? Uh, I don't have a brother-in-law.
Yeah, you know, the guy that's married to your ex-husband.
What do you call that? The guy that's married to my ex-husband.
No, uh The big He's a big agent, right? Uh, Kenneth? Ethan Flaum.
Yeah, he'll never represent us.
He has huge clients and we don't even get along, so, no.
Sorry I'm late, I had to drop my son off at rehab.
Now, who's Hugh, who's Larry, who's Rachel? - I'm Larry.
- I'm a hugger, get in here.
There you go, hey, Larry.
Oh, hello.
You look like a Lea Michele except without the frown.
Hi there, pal.
Someone forgot to shave today.
Come on in.
Here, sit down, you're making me nervous.
Pull her on up.
Belly up to the bar, boys.
Well, you have a beautiful home.
Thank you.
It was built by Oakies during the dustbowl.
So you're friends with Melissa? Yes.
We're great, good friends with Melissa.
So what I do for you? How can I help you? Uh, oh, well, did you read our script, "Mr.
First Lady"? No.
You're first-time screenwriters.
I don't work with first-time screenwriters.
Does Melissa know that you don't work with first-time screenwriters? Okay, look.
Melissa is a sweetheart, heart of gold, wants to throw a bone to everybody, but she's also scary as hell and she told me that she has a lot of notes on your script, so you're gonna have to rewrite your screenplay, incorporating all of her notes, and then a studio's gonna get involved, and they're gonna have notes, and trust me, their notes are not gonna be the same as Melissa's notes, and then if I get involved, I'm gonna have notes.
And by the way, all of these notes are gonna be conflicting and competing and are you gonna know how to navigate your way through that maze? No.
Because you've never done this before.
We lost Larry.
You like Phish? I do.
That's a Phish poster.
You wouldn't know it unless you were a Phish fan.
I met Trey in '95.
Deer Creek.
I was at that show.
(clears throat) I, uh I like Phish.
My favorite is salmon, but I also like cod.
Swing and a miss, honey.
Anyway, you guys seem like very nice people, but let's be honest.
You're only here because of Melissa.
She obviously loves you as much as she is capable of loving anything, but you're new to all of this.
Do you even have an agent? Ethan Flaum.
Ethan Flaum? Really? But he's big time.
I didn't think he represented first-time screenwriters.
I do think Melissa's Betsy Ross Vin Diesel thing is gonna happen, because it's a slam dunk.
(coughs) Sorry.
But I'll tell you what.
I'll take a look at your screenplay this weekend, and I'll call Ethan on Monday.
How's that? That's great.
Thank you.
And you know, if Even if Melissa can't do it, we have Ben Falcone wanting to star in it, so that'll help sell the movie.
(laughing continues) That meeting was over.
I saved it.
- I'm the hero.
- Oh Ethan's not gonna represent us.
Can't he just say he represents us, even if it's not true? No, 'cause he's not a nice person.
He's intimidating and mean and he thinks I'm, like, this needy ex-wife who calls Michael in the middle of the night to come over and kill a spider, which I did one time because it was absolutely a brown recluse, so no, I'm not gonna call him and, like, ask for his help and feed into his perception of me as, like, this crazy neurotic nightmare, I'm not gonna do it.
We gotta do something, because Howard is gonna read the script and he's gonna love it and he's going to call Ethan on Monday.
The clock is ticking, Rachel.
It is ticking away.
(making ticking noises) You are the reason for the ticking clock.
What if I call Ethan? I can ask him.
No, that's weird, you don't even know him.
It's fine, I'm gonna see him Saturday.
I have to drop Lois off at their house for that stupid horse show and I'll just say You know, I don't know what I'll say.
Well, I'm sure that'll work out.
Maybe we all go.
Do you want that? Yes.
Saturday morning, done.
Will one of you drive, though? 'Cause they live in the hills and it's so windy.
Do you not have a steering wheel in your car? No, I have a steering wheel in my car.
Ooh! E-mail from Howard Lang.
- Ooh! - Oh, is it about the script? No, I don't have anything.
- Me either.
- It's just to me.
It's a link to a video of a Phish concert.
What am I supposed to do with this? Write back.
Write back what? Something about your stupid noodling band.
It doesn't matter.
No, because then he's gonna write back and then I'll have to write back and it never ends.
I don't need another friend.
It's already enough pressure with you guys.
I need another drink.
Does anybody need anything? - Yes.
- I'll have a Char Okay.
Well, oh, you invited Pat? What? Are we on a date? Hey, Pat.
Oh, hey, guys.
How's it going? Rachel, haven't seen you in a long time.
I know.
Still doing the single mom thing? Yeah, still doing it.
That sounds isolating.
You doing any, like, Internet dating or anything? I'm not Internet dating.
You're not doing Internet dating.
I just said I'm not.
What, are you? No.
If you ever do decide to do it, just a word of advice, I would leave out any mention that you have a child.
Just because, you know, when a guy is looking at a woman's profile and he sees that box checked, there's all sorts of things going on in his head and he recognizes, all right, here's a woman with some back-story, some issue, right? The glaring thing, the thing that really jumps out is like, here's a moment that this woman had in her life with the most important thing possible that could every happen to her has already happened, and she blew it.
I'm so glad you made it out tonight, Pat.
- Hey, Larry.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey! - Hey! No.
I'm a hugger.
There you go.
Good to see you, man, how long you been a member here? Oh, we just joined.
Oh, you're gonna love it.
It's fantastic.
Oh, what am I saying? I'm barely here at all.
Look at me, I'm sweating like a fat pig and I haven't even started working out yet.
You work out here a lot? I try to work out every morning.
Maybe we could be workout buddies, keep each other motivated, man.
Maybe, yeah.
I'm just gonna get some water real quick.
Hang on, you gotta listen to this, man.
Oh, God, you're gonna put that in my ear.
Yeah, that's cool.
That's good.
No, no, no.
Keep it in 'til you guess who it is.
Is that Phish? Nope.
Try the other one.
- Oh, my God! - I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
I got a I got a little bit of a sinus infection.
Oh I think it might've been David Sanborn.
There was a lot of saxophone.
I had that thing in my ear for, like, a minute.
And he never mentioned our script? No.
And did you ask him about our script? I did not because I just needed to find some rubbing alcohol to pour into my ear hole.
I am losing my mind.
If we follow Melissa's notes, we literally spend the entire first act in Australia.
I like that sound.
That is the sound of a funny Fartleman script being written.
Can I sneak a peek? Uh, no Uh, not 'til we're done.
Well, I do not want to get in the way of the creative process, but give me the broad strokes.
The Fartlemans go to Australia.
Down "undah"! Oh, you guys are so funny, I love it, great.
When are we thinking, end of day? Connie says it has to be end of day.
You got it.
End of day.
Great job, guys.
So I guess I'm telling my nanny I'm gonna be home late again.
Yeah, I suppose.
Michael's confirming that I'm dropping Lois off Saturday at 10:00, should I tell him that you guys are coming with me? Oh, my God.
I told Howard that I'd work out with him Saturday morning.
Larry, you're the one who said we should go together? I know.
Should I cancel? I would love to cancel.
No, you can't cancel.
So much pressure.
What are we gonna talk about? Talk about that dumb band Phish and our script.
God forbid this nightmare of a movie about an Australian male first lady actually gets made, Howard Lang will be the producer.
Idea storm.
I have been thinking about this since I left and I cannot stop laughing.
What if you guys did something where, when you fart in the Southern Hemisphere, it comes out your mouth? Oh, did Daddy get another new car? No, that's Moddy's car.
Moddy? My Other Daddy, Ethan.
Oh! Stupid.
Rachel Daddy! Come here.
Hey, is there a very pretty princess who's excited to see Cavalli this afternoon? Yes.
Oh, I was talking about me, but okay, I'm glad you're excited, too.
Where's Moddy? In the other room.
What What are you guys doing? You working today? Uh, yeah, yeah, kinda sorta.
Weird, I know.
Probably gonna be very weird.
That's a lot of Ethan.
(Michael) You like it? I did a whole series.
How come you never wanted to photograph me? Uh, probably because I have zero interest in the female body.
That would have been lovely to know before we got married.
- We had a really fun wedding.
- We did have a fun wedding.
We did food trucks before anybody else - was doing food trucks.
- It's true.
Hi, Rachel.
What does that mean? Ugh.
Ethan Flaum.
Hi, Hugh.
I write with Rachel.
Lucky you.
Well, have a good weekend.
Let's go, Hugh.
Really ramped up to weird fast there.
Are you kidding me? "Lucky you"? Oh, my God.
You started it! Oh, he started it.
Can you please drive me home? I cannot drive on these streets.
They're so windy! I will not drive you home because that makes no sense, because we didn't drive up here just stand in a doorway! I can't go anywhere unless you drive me! Did you forget something? Yes, the reason we came here.
Are you kidding me? Hello! Hello? (phone line ringing) Answer your phone! (beeping) Whoa! What was that? That's high intensity interval training.
You go super hard super fast and then you quickly recover, and then you go super hard, super fast again.
And so you always want to be shocking your body, otherwise, you'll plateau.
So, you wanna talk about our script? Not now, we can do that later.
I wanna shock my body.
How do I do it? I just put it on level 20.
That's the highest that these things go.
Let's do it.
Level 20.
Yeah? Woo! Rachel, you have put me in a really uncomfortable situation.
Howard Lang is a huge producer and you're risking my reputation.
Your reputation would be threatened by representing us for one phone call? - But I don't represent you.
- So lie! You can't lie? You've never lied in your life? That's a lie, you just lied! Oh, my God, I would have a more rational argument with Lois.
You're saying I'm a child? I'm not a child, I'm a grown woman who can take care of herself.
Really? Did you drive yourself here? That's my car outside.
And who drove it? I'll go get her a Xanax.
Please tell me you're not dating her.
No, no, no.
She's, uh, insane.
He just gets on my nerves.
Well, he gets on my nerves, too, but I love both of you.
Guess who just bought this house? - Who? - Kylie Jenner.
- Shut up! - Yeah.
Can I tell you something? She was crawling around on the roof the other day.
- What? - Hey! Ethan said he'll do it.
What? What'd you say? I explained the whole situation without acting like a complete lunatic.
You ever think about dating Hugh? What? No No.
Why not? Because you guys work together? That's even better.
It's taboo.
Do you know what I think? Hugh looks like a sexy homeless guy.
We haven't talked about our script yet.
- Have you read it? - Yeah.
- When do we slow down? - Huh? Oh.
Oh, my God, wow, we are way over.
Jump off.
So you've read it.
Did you read it? Yeah, didn't tell you? I loved it.
I thought it was great.
I think Melissa should do that instead of that Betsy Ross Vin Diesel thing.
I don't really buy her as Betsy Ross.
Don't ever tell her I told you that.
I won't, I won't.
That's amazing! So what do we do next? Should we do another one of these bursts? - (cell phone ringing) - Oh.
Oh, you know what? Let me grab this.
You get on there, do another burst and I will let you know when to stop, okay? Hello? - Hey, Lar, I got Rachel here.
- Hello.
Ethan says if Howard calls, he's gonna say he's our agent.
Well, that's great because Howard is gonna call because he loved our script.
Shut up! I will not shut up.
Because my new workout buddy Howard Lang is going to be the producer of "Mr.
First Lady.
" Turns out he's extremely easy to talk to, it's zero pressure.
He's actually a lovely, lovely person.
Sounds like someone made a friend.
Wonder when our movie's gonna come out.
What about maybe Fourth of July weekend.
Isn't that when all the big ones come out? Or Memorial Day.
You know what I would do, actually? I would wait 'til the State of the Union and do, like, a cross-promotion kinda thing.
So guys I mean, how does it feel to finally be in the movie business? A-okay.
Oh, my God, I feel so alive! This is incredible.
What did he say exactly? - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, boy.
We want compliments, give us the compliments.
- Larry.
- Larry? - I gotta go.
- Larry!