Northern Exposure s02e01 Episode Script

Goodbye to All That

This is Chris in the Morning.
The weather's typical | for this time of year.
Some of you may have heard | that nice little cypress tree out at Kipnuk Lake fell over last Friday night and flattened my trailer | like the proverbial pancake causing me to join the growing ranks | of the nation's homeless.
That's the bad news.
The good news is I no longer | have to carpool to work.
Courtesy of Maurice Minnifield I'm Well, for only a small | deduction from my salary I'm living here at the station until spring thaw when | I can repair my beautiful home.
Thank you, Maurice.
| In other important social notes Cicely's own Dr.
Fleischman | plans a two-week vacation to see his fiancée Elaine | in the Big Apple.
Hello to Elaine from all of us, Doc.
Alaska paid for Joel's education, | now he pays us back with the finest in the cutting-edge | of medical care.
A little traveling music then | for the doc.
It's hard to believe he's been with us | only a scant eight months.
Tempus fugit, eh, Joel? Doesn't fugit nearly fast enough.
You think banging on a pipe with | a wrench is going to make it go faster? It's just what I dreamed of | when I was at Columbia that I'd be practicing medicine in a room where I | can't feel my fingers.
- It's not that cold.
| - It's 40 degrees inside if you don't count | the windchill factor blowing through these cracks.
If you'd take off your snowsuit, | you'd get acclimated.
My blood would thicken? | That's very scientific.
Like with a car? | Colder climate, more viscous motor oil? Well, I have nice, thin New York blood.
| You probably don't have blood at all.
Get off my case, Fleischman.
| just give me my pills.
No problem.
So I guess | Rick got back okay through the ice fog.
There are other ways besides sex | to get a bladder infection, Fleischman.
Yeah, but that's the funnest.
What? This is your hobby? | Thinking about my sex life? Hey, you brought it up, O'Connell.
I was only referring | to the fact that I ran into your boyfriend | at the barbershop.
You know what your problem is? That my bladder couldn't make the | trip to see a doctor in Anchorage.
You are defensive.
You are so heavily defended, | you create a hostile reality.
Two every four hours.
| Go pee in this cup.
I guess Rick made it back okay.
You got your Publisher's Clearinghouse.
Okay, but if you win, I get half.
| Okay? I'm preapproved for a gold card.
I'll run right over to | Saks.
Alumni fund.
Spy magazine, all right.
It's three months old.
| Delivery by dogsled.
There's no heat in here.
| This could take a while.
- Well, just get acclimated.
| - Acclimated? This seat's like an ice cube.
Dear Joey, hi.
Listen, I'm really sorry, | and in a perfect world I could tell you this in person.
And I know the timing | is especially terrible with your plans and all.
Not the trip to New York.
| Anything but the trip to New York.
But I did all this stuff.
I got you some great seats | at Les Miz, sixth row, center.
Yes! And Dr.
Bloom can fix your | crown on the 18th, 2:00.
I'm sure by now your | mother has cornered the market on pot roast in Queens.
Do you think she | actually tries to cook it to the consistency | of shoelaces or what? I mean, I guess it's good, in a way, | to have food that you can floss with.
Ah, this is so hard.
I hate this.
Anyway, Joey, I don't know | any other way to say what I have to say, | so I guess I'll just say it.
I met somebody else.
| Danny Goldman.
No, it isn't Danny Goldman.
I know you think I've had a crush | on him since the ninth grade although I don't know why | you think I could stand somebody who calls me "Lainester" He's a little older than I am.
Actually, he's quite | a bit older than I am.
I don't know.
| Maybe it's a father thing.
You'd like him, Joey.
He's very nice.
| Very gentle.
Very gentile.
His name's Dwight.
| He's a federal judge in Louisville.
Well, he was.
He's retired now and he's devoting himself full-time | to his watercolors.
I've taken a leave of | absence from law school and moved to | Kentucky to be with him.
I know that when you get used to this, | you're gonna do just fine.
No! Anyway, don't get frostbite.
| Sorry.
| What, it's the wrong color? I have to leave now.
Leave? What? Where are you going? | You have my cup.
What is that? Hey you guys, look.
| A Zarbitron C-10.
We have something like that | at the tribal hall.
- What's this all about? | - Got a satellite dish for Shelly.
- It's bigger than your dish, Maurice.
| - The hell it is.
Sure it is.
Look at it.
Anyway, everybody knows that size has nothing to | do with performance.
It's the quality of the equipment | that counts, little lady.
Where'd you find it? I got it off a construction | crew over in Chilcoot.
They finished up work on | that blacktop from Kandu to Blindman's Lake.
You mean the road | from nowhere to nowhere? That's the one.
Hey, Shel.
| You can come on out now, hon.
Oh, what is it? | Come on, Holling.
What is it? Can I look now? - Now can I look? | - You can look.
It's a satellite dish.
| That's right.
- For me? | - Two hundred channels.
I know how you've always had | your heart set on seeing the whole wide world.
Well, now you can see it | right from your home with me by your side.
This is beyond | totally amazing.
Don't bother to knock, Ed.
| just come right in.
Hello, Dr.
| Ed, please.
I'm busy.
- You're cleaning your stove.
| - So? You don't cook.
This stove is a health hazard.
It's covered with | bacteria and old food.
I'm tired of mold | having run of the place.
So, are you all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.
| - Are you all right? Yeah.
I was just wondering if you were you know, well, all right.
Why shouldn't I be? I heard about Elaine.
| That she fell in love with an old guy.
You heard about Elaine? | How did you hear about Elaine? Marilyn told me.
Marilyn told you? | How does Marilyn know? She read the letter.
| You left it in your office.
Marilyn read the letter? She read my private letter? That's a federally protected, | private, personal letter.
Has anyone in this place | ever heard of privacy? You can maybe go | and get her back, you know.
Like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate.
"Elaine! Elaine!" | He's banging on the glass and she's down there | in her wedding dress.
And he jams the cross into the door | so that no one can come up after them.
Hey, if there is a cross in this | particular scenario, I'm carrying it.
Marilyn said when | you left the office you wore the expressions | of the old ones who walk out onto the ice | and never come back.
Look, Ed.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
| I was rocked.
I was.
It was a blow.
But, I sat myself down.
| I said, "Joel, get a grip on yourself.
"You're not looking at this correctly.
"I mean, do you know what you'd go for | on the open market in New York? "You are You are single.
| You are heterosexual.
"You are a doctor.
| You are Jewish.
I mean, Alaska is wide open for you" And I was right.
| Believe me, I will be out there.
I'll have to fight the women off.
What women? Just look at that.
| Here we are in Cicely, Alaska clean across the | great Pacific Ocean watching an Italian documentary on | Chinese food-shoppers in action.
I had a cat like that | when I was a kid.
Little Edgar.
- I don't believe those are pets, Ed.
| - No? I believe they're | tomorrow night's dinner.
Hey, Ed, we eat a lot of things other cultures consider | disgusting.
I wonder how | they kick up those fur balls.
Uno mas, por favor.
| Sí, sí, sí.
It was a long-ago winter's day | when me and my best friend Greg "The Joy King" George ripped off Sam Blade Records in | downtown Wheeling, West Virginia.
Back at the Joy King's, safe and dry we listened all day | to that stolen stash.
We dedicate this music | to you, Joy King just starting your latest | five to 10 in Lompoc.
'Cause the best way | out of winter is through it.
Like Carl Jung says, | "Embrace your grief for there your soul will grow.
" You're tuned in to K-Bear | in Cicely, Alaska.
This is Chris in the Morning, | and today we have the blues.
Watch it.
# Well, it's over All over? | Chris.
How are you doing? Not bad.
Not bad.
| How 'bout you? I'm good.
| Thank you very much.
So, how're the girls treating you? | Girls? Yeah, you know, girls? | Two legs, skirts? Oh, right, right.
| I heard about you and Elaine.
Yeah? Well? | Twelve years, man.
You think you know somebody then They blow you off | in a barely legible letter.
Don't take that personally.
I just got kicked in | the gut by the woman who promised to have my children.
You're telling me | not to take it personally? Hey, brother, rejection is one | way to look at it.
But with the Yin-Yang, | man-woman thing it's either balanced or it isn't.
All right, if it isn't, | it just means it isn't.
It's just the eternal ecology | of the love thing.
Well, you wouldn't happen to have a spare seventh | sister hanging around, would ya? Seventh sister? Back east, it's a sort of | upper-echelon woman's school you know, like Radcliffe, Wellesley.
Oh, right, right.
I'm seeing someone right now | who's a grad student at Swarthmore.
Swarthmore? The Swarthmore | in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania? What's a girl from Swarthmore | doing in Alaska in the dead of winter? Um, field study on the rituals | of the Tsimshian Indians out at the Metlakatla.
She's got a friend coming in tonight | goes to one of them colored schools.
Colored schools? | Brown.
Brown? She goes to | Brown University? Wow.
That's Ivy League.
Holling's tonight, 7:00.
| Perhaps you'd like to join us? I'll be there.
Morning, Shelly.
| Morning, Shelly.
Keep it down, will you? She was up in front of that TV | all night long.
john Carson, Adam 12.
I woke up this morning I could hear them playing | the Japanese national anthem.
I have a headache.
| It starts here and comes to here.
It's not a baby one.
| It's a full-grown, adult-size bangeroo.
What time is it? | Ten of nine.
All right! I can still catch | Angélica, mi vida.
Only the hottest soap opera | in Puerto Rico, Holling.
It looks like | she slept in her clothes.
She never came to bed | at all last night.
Hey, Maurice.
I pay that boy good money.
Listen to the depressing | junk he plays on that radio.
Morning, Maurice.
It's supposed to be depressing.
| It's the blues.
Is, Chris all bent out of shape | about the housing situation? No.
He likes living at the station.
On Wednesday nights, I get | a direct feed from CBS from Bejing.
Chris usually likes to come up, | and we discuss the big picture.
I try to clear the decks.
Last night I prepared a batch of those spicy chicken | wings that he likes.
He didn't show up, | and he didn't call.
Well, Chris was here | most of the night.
- Here? | - Oh, yeah.
A bunch of usgot | together to watch the TV.
Ed, there's a flick on the tube tonight | you might be interested in.
It's called An Unmarried Woman.
| Come by the house.
I'll throw a couple of T-bones | on the fire.
Well, thanks, Maurice.
But you know, a bunch of us | are gonna get together here and watch the rugby game.
| You follow rugby, do ya? Oh, no.
But it's kind of fun | to watch anything when there's a bunch of people around.
You're gonna rub the end of | that pool stick right off.
Girls, no such thing | as too much chalk.
The four ball in the corner | pocket.
I always wanted to say that.
I thought you said | you majored in pool.
Only since I've been in Cicely.
It's what passes for | high culture around here.
It'd make a good topic | for your thesis.
"Pool as a ritual in | primeval society.
" Stand over there, please.
You're making me look very short | in front of these women.
Thank you.
Funny guy.
Yes! It went in.
Did you see that? | That was the three ball.
- So? | - You said four.
Give him a break.
| I meant three.
I meant three.
No, that was a beautiful shot, | and I want you to take that.
Yeah, well, thank you very much, | but there's no way to get at it now.
Okay, I'll get at it.
| You get at those brew dogs.
I shall return.
Sorry about your girlfriend.
No booze with | those antibiotics, O'Connell.
It's ginger ale.
I'm feeling much better, | thank you.
- Listen, I'm sorry | about you and Elaine.
- What's that supposed to mean? Don't be so defensive.
I'm expressing sympathy.
| I'm being empathetic, Fleischman.
All right, what are you | trying to say, O'Connell? Nothing.
No, I know that look.
| It's pity, isn't it? Look at you, Fleischman.
| You're so insecure you can't even let the body get cold | before you find a warm one.
Look, O'Connell, unlike most of your former boyfriends, | Elaine is not dead.
She's made a terrible mistake that she will regret for | the rest ofher life.
- Hey, Joel.
| - Hey, Rick.
Sorry 'bout you | and what's-her-name.
If Elaine is happy | in the arms of a man who is comfortable sending | innocent sociopathic children to the Big House, | who am I to judge? After you.
You're working hard tonight.
| Where's Shelly? She's resting.
| She's got a whopping headache.
Hi, everybody.
- Uh, shouldn't you | be lying down, Shel? - I'm ready to roll.
| There's 16 mooseburgers Dave has kicked up.
| I could use a little help.
I can't right now, Holling.
| You can't? - It's 7:30.
| -7:30.
What happens at 7:30, | Holling? Well, the beer in pump number three | sometimes needs refilling about then.
The Wheel's on.
| The wheels on what? Wheel of Fortune.
| Pat and Vanna? Remember, she had on a dress | just like this Only in red.
Well, I never could | see much point to that show, Shel.
If you'd rather | carry around mooseburgers than watch Vanna | turn the letters, go ahead.
But Merv Griffin says no one | no one has ever turned the letters | the way she turns the letters.
And he owns hotels | in Atlantic City.
"S" | Yes.
Two S's.
There you go.
That's what I liked | about Coming of Age in Samoa.
Mead didn't stand outside | the culture and observe.
She put on a grass skirt | and thrust her hips just like the rest of them.
This one prof at Columbia it was his personal mission to | find inconsistencies in her work.
I mean, what, you're gonna discount an entire life's work | because of a few factual errors? Listen, you wanna dance? | I dance much better than I play pool.
I better, right? No offense intended, | Joel if we were back in the city, | I'd be glad to go out with you.
I'm sensing a "but" here somewhere.
| I didn't come 5,000 miles to get all sweaty with a guy | who could be in my chem class.
It is a she, she's eating again.
| Are you brushing She's clean.
| Oh, good.
All right.
We will see you next time | for more Wheel of Fortune.
Dumped again, Fleischman? Biggest mistake she ever made.
We're not going to show another movie | until tomorrow, Dr.
Sorry about your girlfriend.
Finally caught up with you, | didn't it, Fleischman? Tori? Tori Gould? You were able to pull it off for | a long time, weren't you, Fleischman? You never thought about | putting yourself in another person's shoes.
We had a name for you | in junior high school did you know that? "The Juggler" | Mindy Ginn, Audrey Goodwin and me.
Well, I never made | any specific commitments, Tori.
Always looking out | for yourself, eh, Fleischman? Playing the angles.
| Looking out for number one.
I'll bet you thought I was going to end up in a tract | house in Bensonhurst, didn't you? Come on.
| You can tell me the truth.
Well, yeah.
| I live in Sweden, Joel.
| And that's not Avenue "J" I never thought I wanted to live in | such a big house, but I'm enjoying it.
Terraces, a view of | the archipelago.
Our cook makes | the most exquisite roast rensadel.
I mean, I married a terrific guy.
Owns major stock in Textron, | stands about 6 foot 4 and looks like one of those | bearded Nordic gods.
The name's Lars.
Often, my thoughts | have turned to you, Juggler and I worry about you.
Fast approaching 30, alone, | living in a cabin in the middle of | a silent, windswept, frozen tundra.
Well, can't keep Sonya waiting, | my masseuse.
Adjo, Joel.
Wait a minute.
Hey, a lot of guys had a | lot of girlfriends, Tori.
Who are you? - Who do I look like? | - Uh, me.
I thought we said | we weren't going to do this anymore.
Do what? This dependence on | external affirmation fear of rejection, panic thing.
It's a real turnoff.
| Intellectually, we're on our game.
But emotionally, Joel we have talked and we have talked | and we have talked about this problem.
But this is the third time | you've fallen apart.
Three? | Really? Seventeen years old, | when we didn't get into Harvard.
We didn't handle that one | very well, did we? No, we didn't.
| Frankly, we were a mess.
We walked 63 blocks in the rain | like a zombie.
From Zabar's to West 12th Street.
We were nearly hit by three cabs.
Spilt grape juice down | the front of our shirt on Times Square.
How many more times | are we going to subject ourselves to this abject humiliation? - I never said | - Words, Fleischman.
It's just words, and frankly, | I'm sick of it.
"We just need a couple of days | to get ourselves together because, after all, we're eligible | and appealing and desirable.
" We're this close to losing it.
We were hanging by our fingernails | after the Harvard trauma.
Now we're sitting in a movie theater talking to ourselves.
| Is there no growth? Is there no catharsis? Suck it up.
Be a mensch.
| Do what people do.
- I'm not equipped.
| - What's it gonna be, Joel? We're pushing 30.
We've tried therapy and you know what | the scariest part is? We're getting weaker.
| We keep going like this we're headed straight for | a full-tilt, no-holds-barred complete mental disintegration | nervous breakdown by the time we hit 40.
A genuine diamond ring in | a solitaire is more expensive On the Go Anywhere Tea Caddy do I have to get the tea service, | or does the cart come separate? Shel.
| Okay, give me one of those.
Look at that heart-shaped, | three-carat cubic zirconia.
That will be perfect with my genuine diamond-studded, | tiara headband.
Shelly? Hang on a sec.
| I just got you the coolest wallet.
Cloth and leather with simulated crocodile | embossing in a really nice cognac.
- Aren't you coming up to bed? | - In a second, hon.
Maybe I better put us in | for a couple of those matching key cases too.
You still there? Now, on the koala bear, | does that include batteries? Okay.
Send that along too, | and put a Federal Express on it.
Oh, oh.
What time do you have? 2:28? Can you hang on a sec? | The baby's crying.
# Girls are sometime | ridiculous but face it, you can't | live with or without us # We're sweet, sexy and kind | at most times? # But rub us the wrong way | and fate is what you'll find? # But only if you | treat us wrong and then again some girls do nothing at all? # We'll take your car, your money | and even your jewels? # And if your clothes fit | well, we'll take them too? # Hey, buy for ourselves | it's what we believe? Whoo! # It's just a girl thing | Girl thing # Just a girl thing? # Check it out | I was home all alone Oh.
My genuine, diamond-studded, | tiara headband.
| Hi, babe.
What's all this stuff? This? | Just some stuff that came in.
It looks like a hot dog in a bun, | but it's not.
Guess what it is.
It's a telephone.
| I got it for you.
Look at this.
| It's a Chia Pet.
You water it, and it grows grass.
Pretty soon you get a plant | in the shape of a camel.
But I don't see the hump on here.
Oh, no.
This must be | the Brahma bull.
How much does all this cost? | Four thousand, give or take.
Shelly, that's the money | we put aside for our honeymoon.
Yeah, but we never did | get married, did we? So what's the point? It's just sitting there | waiting for oil prices to go up.
The point is, all you ever do anymore | is watch that damn TV.
Do you know what's coming in here | on that TV, Holling? The whole world, that's what.
Fawlty Towers and Rap Patrol.
| The lost episode of Lucy.
There's programs on there | from Mozambique and Venezuela and all this Pakistani stuff.
And we can see it, | you and me, Holling.
You won't watch | a single thing with me.
That's not true.
| But you weren't really watching.
Yes, I was.
| No, you weren't.
I was.
When Dr.
Kildare kissed | the Japanese princess and the samurai guy saw | the whole thing from behind the tree, | did he kill him? Well, did he or not? I forget.
| Oh, yeah.
You don't know, and you know why? | Because you fell asleep, that's why.
That program | was six hours long, Shelly.
I can forgive and forget | a lot of things, Holling Vincoeur.
But stinginess and not caring | a thing about the world we live in is not one of them.
It's "Love is Pain" day on K-Bear.
| Music to soothe the shattered heart.
Dedicated to you, Dr.
Are you sleeping, Dr.
Fleischman? | No.
- You're in bed.
Are you sick? | - I didn't feel like getting up.
Plan "A" didn't work? On to Plan "B" She had this way of | looking at her watch.
She didn't look down at her watch | the way most people do.
She lifted up her little arm and held her wrist | in front of her face.
Elaine? There was this one time we went to | this Shakespeare in the park thing.
You're in the park | with all these people watching Othello.
It's nice.
Then we went to | this outdoor café we used to go to.
I had this iced cappuccino | with the steamed milk.
Long spoons.
She's wearing pearls | and this black dress that she used to wear.
Really looked good on her.
It had these thin little straps.
What'd she call them? Spaghetti straps.
- So what happened then? | - What? What happened then? We moved in together.
| That was a great afternoon.
You know what | the worst thing is, Ed? What? - There's no closure.
| - Ah.
Uh, what's closure? Closure? A sense of closure? It's beginning, middle, end.
| Closure.
Look, you're watching a movie.
I am? - Say you're watching a movie.
| - Which one? Any one.
It doesn't matter.
| Okay.
Wages of Fear.
- Yves Montand.
| - Right.
The oil tanks are burning | and he brings them the nitro.
They cut your movie off | in the last 15 minutes.
- That would be terrible.
| - Of course it would be.
That's closure.
In a manner of speaking.
The last 15 minutes | of your movie with Elaine.
Does she ever turn that thing off? | Not yet.
I said hello earlier; | she nearly bit my head off.
She doesn't like you | interrupting her toons.
I'll tell you the truth, Maggie.
| I'm worried about Shelly.
I don't think | the TV's a good influence.
Have you tried | talking to her about it? She's not easy to talk to lately.
| But I will.
I will talk to her.
| Well, what? He was just lying there.
| Who? Dr.
| Sick at heart.
He said the worst thing about it | was he didn't have any closure.
- Any what? | - Closure.
- Ed, what are you talking about? | - Closure.
He didn't get to have | his last 15 minutes of his movie with Elaine.
We have to help Dr.
Fleischman | get closure.
- We do? | - Why? We owe him that much.
I mean, | Elaine's down there, he's up here.
If we had not shanghaied him up here I bet you she would not have | dumped him for that old judge.
That's ridiculous.
He's hurting, Maggie.
So, no ticket? That's all I wanna know.
But, I-I had a ticket | when I got on the train.
You can fool some of the people, | and it might be fine for those guys but I'm on to you, Fleischman.
What is this? What do you think | you're doing, Fleischman? Nothing.
I was just lying here.
You've held everybody hostage | with this Camille number long enough.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Ed's worried about you | and now he's trying to get everybody else worried about you.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
So your girlfriend dumped you.
Sometimes you gotta suck it up, | pull yourself together.
Be a man! That's what I've been | telling myself for the past 15 years.
Yeah, well, okay.
I did a sensitivity check | on your urine culture to make sure we were on the | right course of antibiotics.
It's there if you want to take a look.
They look like little spots of mold.
Well, they are mold really.
| Your mold.
You see how one of'em | is smaller than the others? I used your antibiotic on that one.
| It stopped the growth.
That means it's working.
| How are your symptoms? - Much better.
| - Good.
I'm glad.
Could you please just | get the light, please? What? Sure.
Thank you.
Shelly, I wonder if | I might have a word with you.
I'm in the middle of Magnum.
That's what I wanna | speak with you about.
About what, Holling? Shelly, I think you've got | a problem with the TV.
You're the one with the problem.
| You're still P.
'd because I wanted to watch that | Punjab program instead of MacGyver.
Which would you rather watch sword swallowers and snake charmers | from New Delhi or MacGyver? Shelly, you watch the TV all the time.
| You don't eat.
You don't sleep.
I don't think you can help yourself.
No, I don't.
Yes, I do.
| Yes, I can.
Well, go on.
Don't watch.
I'll wager you can't keep from | watching that TV for five minutes.
Of course I can.
| Then do it.
See? No biggie.
Star Trek: Next Generation, 7:00.
| 7:30, La Nouveau Monde.
Ed, can't you see the sign | on the door says "Closed'"? Sorry to bother you, Dr.
Fleischman but I need you to come | with me to Holling's bar.
Why? | Well, it's for closure.
What? I think it would be better | if you would just come.
Well, now's not a good time.
I've got three years worth of the | New England Journal of Medicine just waiting here | for me to catch up with them.
I can wait.
| Suit yourself.
| Hey, Shel.
Can I come in? | Sure.
Come on in.
I'm in trouble, Chris.
I've been walking and | thinking and walking and I need to see | a man of the cloth.
Well, Shel, if this is some | heavy, theological deal you know, | my cloth's not thick enough.
I- I answered an ad | in the back of Rolling Stone.
Well, you presided at | our almost-wedding.
Yeah, well You're the closest | thing to God Cicely's got.
Shel | I was raised a Catholic and when a Catholic's in trouble they go to a priest | and make a confession.
I need you to hear my confession.
Listen Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
| It has been nine years since I made | my last confession.
You're supposed to | ask me how I've sinned.
| How've-How've you sinned, Shelly? You're not supposed to say my name.
| Oh, I'm sorry.
How have you sinned, ma'am? I've been watching TV | too much, Father and I can't stop.
When I'm with Holling, | I'm thinking about television.
When I'm working, | I'm thinking about television.
When I'm with my friends, | I wish I was watching television.
I don't even like it so much.
It's just that I get | this yucky feeling inside and the only thing that'll | make it go away is television.
It doesn't matter what program it is.
| Hogan's Heroes, Oprah.
I'll watch anything.
| You know what I mean, Father? Uh, no.
| With TV I can take it or leave it except for maybe the zones.
Holling and me, | we used to have sex all the time.
I don't think that's a sin, Father, | even though we're only almost-married.
But now we don't | do it at all anymore.
And I spent our honeymoon money that we didn't have because | we didn't really get married.
But, Holling's right.
| It's not the point.
I don't talk to my friends anymore.
And I lied.
I told someone a stranger on the phone, | that the baby was crying.
It sounds to me like | you're hooked, Shelly.
I mean, not Shelly.
| Hooked? You mean, like an addict? | Ajunkie? Is there anyone in your background, | I mean, think.
Is there anybody in your family | that had a problem with television? No.
I don't think so.
Except, now that I think about it, | my father you interrupted him during The Feud, | and he'd whip your butt.
It could be hereditary.
| It's a strong possibility it's not even your fault at all.
- Really? | - That's right.
just recognizing it | is the first step.
God, I feel so much better.
You do? Good.
Is that it? Well, no.
You have to give me | some Hail Marys or something so I can absolve myself.
I don't know any Hail Marys.
Um, I know a Shoshu Buddhist chant.
That's cool.
Picture this, Dr.
There you are, sitting in your café | on Park Avenue and Times Square.
Subway rumbling beneath your feet.
Mist drifting in on | the Verrazano Street Bridge.
Ayellow checkered cab goes past.
Whoosh! He splashes the guy | selling pretzels on the corner.
He flips him the bird.
| Curses his unborn children as the sun slowly sinks behind | the Statue of Liberty.
Ed, where're you going? | Ed, this is very weird.
Okay, Holling, you're up.
Okay, Ed.
! | Watch it.
What is going on here? I didn't have the | wherewithal for steamed milk so that's whipped | cream on top there.
- That's iced coffee.
| - Enjoy.
Is that it, Ed? | That's it, Holling.
Good work.
Okay, Maggie, now you.
You owe me, Fleischman.
What are you doing, O'Connell? Is it my imagination, | or is it 20 below out here? You look familiar.
Well, I should look | familiar, Fleischman.
You've, uh, only known me | for eight months.
The-The dress.
| You look like Elaine.
I am Elaine.
| I mean, I'm supposed to be Elaine.
So, go ahead.
Go for it.
| You're Elaine? Yeah, so, go ahead, Fleischman.
Get it off your chest.
Say | whatever it is you need to say.
I'm supposed to say to you | what I need to say to Elaine? Look, Fleischman we've all gone to a lot of trouble | here so you can have closure.
I don't like it, you don't get it.
But just go ahead and do it, | and hurry up because I'm freezing.
Closure? | Look, ask Ed.
We're supposed to be acting out | the most wonderful day you had with Elaine.
So there must have been things you didn't get to say.
| Here's your chance.
This is ridiculous.
| Don't blow it.
I'm supposed to | Open up.
Oh, to you? Okay, I'm sorry.
Well, frankly - What? | - No.
It's nothing.
It's just | Spit it out.
Well, I-I was never really | sexually attracted to you.
- What? | - I mean, to her, Elaine.
You weren't? How come? I mean, not that the sex | you know, our sex wasn't good.
It was good.
It just wasn't - What? | - Look, you don't wanna hear this.
Yes, I do.
| I mean, for closure.
- Sex should be wild, shouldn't it? | - Wild? Unfettered and free.
| I mean, we're animals, aren't we? I mean, finally, basically, | we're all wolves in sheep's fur.
Well, I always wanted more.
- More? | - Yeah.
I mean, not frequency.
I am not talking about frequency.
| Although that would've been great too.
But, I want more intensity.
| I wanted to be out there.
Outside myself.
Outside my skin.
I wanted sex to be like robbing life | out of the jaws of death.
- Are you okay? | - Why? Well, it's 20 below out.
| You're breaking a sweat.
Would you excuse me a minute? So, do we have closure? Well, not really, | but I feel better.
So, what now? Can I buy you a beer? If we drink it inside.
Blue moon # You saw me standing alone # Without a dream in my heart Holling, there's somebody here | that wants to see you.
- Holling.
| - Shelly.
Oh, Holling.
I'm sorry I spent | our nonhoneymoon money, Holling.
I'm sorry I ruined our sex life.
That's okay, Shelly.
You were right.
| I have a problem with the TV.
But I'm gonna beat it.
| That's good news, Shelly.
You're gonna have to | help me though.
Like with the M&M's? You know how you hide them | from me and dole them out to me a little at a time? You're gonna have to | watch me like a hawk with the TV.
You can be mean, Shelly.
You handled Jesse the bear.
I'm gonna pull the plug, Holling.
| Good girl.
I'm gonna do it.
I can't.
Shelly, darling.
| I am right here.
Right beside you.
| Okay.
Here goes.