Northern Exposure s02e06 Episode Script

War and Peace

Waiting on a Denver easy.
French toast, bacon, | short stack, ham.
Working.
! Where's the filters? | Who moved the coffee filters? Dave? They're right here, hon.
Haven't you people got anything else | to do but watch me live? Waiting.
! Everybody has trouble | sleeping once in a while.
It's nothing unusual.
Where the hell | is that Denver easy, Dave? And try to make some corn bread | that won't fall apart in your hands! - Hey, that's it! That's it! I quit! | - Good! It's not my fault | your dreams are attacking you.
Are you still here? Holling Vincoeur, | this has got to stop.
You need help.
| Go see Dr.
Fleischman.
Fat lot of good he'll do me.
| Well, do something because if you don't, | you're gonna just do your tossing and | turning on the sofa! Dave, wait up! Hey, Dave, get back here.
! - Nikolai! | - Shelly! I'm so glad to see you.
| Hey, Christopher! Hey, hey, mister.
! | Good to see you.
Ed.
Here, directly from Russia, | Pertsovka vodka.
Ooh! Pepper vodka.
Wow! Christopher Abrahamovich, | my friend I brought you something | very special.
For your music collection.
Josephine Baker Live | at the Folies Bergere.
Oh! Nikolai Ivanovich, | thank you very much.
- Shelochka.
| - Oh, Nikolai! And for you, Margarita Margaritichka, | silk stockings that you like - with a seam.
| - Oh, Nikolai, you shouldn't have.
And there is something | for you, Ed.
Hey, it's a it's a | What? Piece of the cinema history.
This yarmulke belonged | to Woody Allen's grandfather Cantor Konigsberg.
Try it on.
| Wow! Very nice! Very nice! | Hey! Hey.
! Holling, my old friend.
Oh, it's so nice to see you.
And you think I'd forget | your present? Well No.
To you, I give my | own father's hunting cap.
Ivan Borisovich Appolanov | wore this cap hunting duck with Gorky | in the Caucuses.
He also died wearing this cap | at Stalingrad.
And he wore it in | the best bordellos of Odessa but that's a different story.
Wait a minute.
| It's not July yet.
Is it? No, no, my Nabokovian jewel.
| It is not.
Kolya, why are you here? I was on a train in Siberian Alps.
And we rounded a bend, | and I looked up and there was this moon.
Such a moon! | Big and yellow.
It almost broke my heart.
And there was moonlight | on the tracks moonlight on the dark forest moonlight picking out footprints on small animals on the snow.
And I was thinking to myself I want to be in Cicely.
I want to be with my friends.
So I pulled the emergency brake, | the train stop, and here I am.
Besides, Goskoncert | messed up all my bookings.
I'm seriously thinking | of going with Mike Ovitz.
So, how is the old bulldog? Maurice went fishing.
| He's way out to Cold Bay.
Must have felt it in his bones | I was coming.
Hey, let's all have a drink! Hey! To my friends! Nastrovia.
! | Nastrovia.
! All right, girls.
| Let's get this show on the road.
Ruth-Anne, many thanks.
| Always a pleasure to do business with a woman who understands | fair retail value.
I'll see you next month, | Father Duncan.
And your sacramental incense | will probably be in by then.
Good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
| Hi, Ruth-Anne.
Hello, Ed.
Did Mr.
Landon | bring back Potemkin yet? Potemkin? It isn't time for | the Russian Film Festival.
He isn't! | He is.
Nikolai here, in Cicely? Lightfeather Duncan save the perusal of | literature for a rainy day.
No telegram? | No flowers? No warning at all? The caravan leaves | in three seconds, Lightfeather.
! I'm coming, I'm coming! Nikolai, shame on you.
! Well, how's he looking? | Is he as handsome as ever? Kolya, you devil.
I'm gonna close the store early | and get Dolores to fix my hair.
Oh, no! | Lightfeather! - Here, see if you can catch her.
| - Me? Yes, you, Ed.
| Quick, quick.
Come on.
Whoa! | Yeah? Lightfeather forgot her broom.
Lightfeather, your broom is here.
You forgot this.
Now I'll have to sweep out the barn.
Well, you try warm milk? Yeah.
| Yeah? What about the Julio Iglesias tapes? | Yeah.
Try counting sheep? | I sleep fine, Joel.
I just don't get any rest.
| It's those dreams.
They keep coming at me | hour after hour night after night.
Trains, rainstorms, | bacon, skyscrapers Bacon? | Sizzling.
There's this raccoon | with a shower cap on.
No wonder you're exhausted.
But with blood pressure like this, | you'll probably live forever.
I told Shelly you wouldn't be able | to do me any good.
Now, hold on, there, Holling.
Your problem's unusual, I admit.
But there are a variety | of procedures indicated.
We could do a sleep lab EEG track your brain waves, | get some REM data.
We could if this were civilization.
Or, we could start you on a course | of intensive Freudian therapy.
Take, say, 10 or 12 years.
Cost you a couple hundred thou.
- Or you could take a few of these.
| - What are they? - Valium.
| - Sleeping pills? A very mild sedative.
After a good night's sleep, | things will look much better.
You sure those things are safe, Joel? I mean, they're not gonna | make me crazy? This is Valium, Holling, | not L.
S.
D.
Try it for a couple weeks.
I won't dream? If you do, you'll be too | relaxed to care.
Okay? Okay.
| Okay.
You're the doctor.
| I am the doctor.
Morning, Cicely.
As everybody knows Mother Nature hates stasis.
She's always sending down | a flood or an earthquake a hedonist to shake things up.
Well, guess what | she sent us last night? That's right, our old friend | Nikolai Ivanovich Appolanov months early | and not a moment too soon.
So cook up your best borscht | and rosin up those bows.
And for my part, I'm gonna commence | with the continuation of our annual reading | of War and Peace soon as I can find the book.
Meanwhile, comrades, | privet and dosvedanya for now.
- Privet to you too, Ed.
| - What's up? - Oh, I'm in love.
| - In love? That's great.
Who's the lucky girl? Lightfeather Duncan.
| I met her over at Ruth-Anne's.
Well, I didn't really meet her.
| We just kind of saw each other.
Well, that's terrific, man.
| Congratulations.
Thanks.
What do I do now? | Call her up.
- Let the mating rites begin.
| - I don't have a phone.
Well, why don't you | just go see her then? Oh, no.
I couldn't do that, | not without an invitation.
All right, I know.
| Why don't you write her a letter? A letter? Yeah, that's a really | good plane to connect on.
There's a whole epistolary tradition | with, uh, Zelda and F.
Scott and Robert and Elizabeth Browning.
Okay.
What should it say? Well, why don't you | tell her how you feel? Okay.
- How do I feel? | - You probably feel like you can't wait | till you see her again.
Right.
You know, time's probably crawling by.
- You probably lost your appetite.
| - Right, right! Do it.
- What? | - Write the letter.
You want me to write the letter? Well, I'll write it.
| You just tell me what to say.
No way, Ed.
| No.
Come on, Chris.
| Now, you're very good with words.
Better than anybody in Cicely.
You're a professional, | and you know a lot about women.
Well Yeah, that's true.
Hey.
| Dr.
Fleischman.
Hi, Shelly.
I just thought I'd drop | by, see how Holling's doing.
How's he doing? | Out like a light.
Everything okay? Fine, fine.
| Everything's fine.
You're closed? | It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
Closed? What's going on in there? | I hear people laughing.
Well Okay.
Since you're alone, | I guess you can come in.
- What's going on? | - We're having a party for Nikolai.
Who's Nikolai? | Come on.
Hey, Joel! | Get down here and have some fun, huh? Come on.
! | Have a drink, Joel.
! Dr.
Fleischman, | this is Nikolai Ivanovich Appolanov.
Nikolai, this is Dr.
Fleischman.
He's our doctor.
| Hello, Doctor.
- Nikolai Ivanovich Appolanov? | - Yes.
Welcome to our festivities.
Have a chair.
The Nikolai Ivanovich Appolanov? - Chris, vodka for the good doctor.
| - Wait a minute.
Wow.
This is This is amazing.
This is incredible.
| Hey, I'm-I'm thrilled.
No.
I saw you in New York | a couple years ago.
Carnegie Hall? Right.
Right.
| My fiancée, Elaine Actually, it's my ex-fiancée, Elaine | made me go.
Not that I didn't want to go but her mother, who's a big | fan of yours, wanted us to go.
And, actually, I was I was somewhat skeptical | at first, but Man, you are You are great! You are really great.
| What are you doing here? Did your plane have to make | an emergency landing, or - You didn't defect, did you? | - What? He comes every year, Joel.
- Here? | - Yeah.
- To Cicely? | - Right.
I know this is probably | a stupid question, but why? Why? Fleischman, in Russia, | this man is an icon.
Wherever he goes, | he's smothered by an adoring mob.
In a way In a way, | he's a prisoner of his own fame.
- Yeah.
Here, he can relax.
| - Be himself.
- No pressure.
| - Have a piroshki.
Thank you.
What? Maurice.
! | I was told you went fishing.
The boat sank.
You're early.
| Is that a problem? No, it's no problem.
It's a shame about | your troubles in Mother Russia.
I hear your godless and corrupt | way of life's falling to pieces.
And how's the chess game, Maurice? - It's fine.
| - Hmm.
- Maurice, sit down.
| - Yeah, come on, guys.
Let's break the bread, drink the wine.
| The borscht is fabulous.
Please, Maurice? | For me? I'll have Kentucky bourbon | and branch water, if you please.
What is the problem here? They hate each other.
| Why? Well, for one thing, Nikolai keeps | beating Maurice in chess and the other is he's a Trotskyite.
Let's have a song, Nikolai.
| Come on.
! Yeah! Come on! Yes! Hey.
| Holling? Shelly? Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
| Good morning, Joel.
How's the patient? | Great! He slept straight through for 16 hours, | never even moved a muscle.
Right, babe? I don't know.
| I don't remember.
Holling! | Holling? Excuse me.
| He's a little groggy, I guess.
I think it was that pill.
| Well, y Obviously, you have a low tolerance.
No problem.
We'll just | We'll cut the dose in half.
What's the point? I can't go through life | hiding from my dreams.
What kind of way to live is that? | I don't care anymore.
It's Let them come.
Let them kill me if they want to.
| I don't care anymore.
Can dreams really kill a person, | Dr.
Fleischman? No, Shelly, they can't.
I don't think.
Hello.
I'm Ed.
| I got your note.
Pass me that bucket, will ya? - What's this? | - It's a flower.
I was kind of hoping you'd bring me | another one of those letters.
I saw you when | you used to work at Dairy Delight.
Oh, yeah? You had a name tag | and a pink uniform.
Oh, yeah, right.
You've put on some weight since then.
- Oh, yeah, about 10 pounds.
| - It looks good.
Thanks.
I read your letter | about a hundred times.
I keep it right here | ever since I got it.
You sure got a way with words, Ed.
Thanks.
All that stuff about your chopper.
Should I compare you to my Harley hog? You are more lovely, and powerful too.
- Where is it, anyway? | - What? Your hog.
I had to sell it.
Too bad.
Your chrome dual exhausts the curve of your fenders the muscle in your engine.
I wanna ride you over mountains through blizzards, | across sandy deserts.
I wanna feel your hot, roaring, | fuel-injected machinery under me.
I wanna ride you, ride you ride you forever.
You do? No, you do.
Oh, yeah, I do.
Maurice moves pawn to G-4.
White bishop to E-7.
He's threatening a mating combination.
Why didn't he play pawn to F-4? F-4's vulnerable.
The bishop.
| Oh.
How can you do a crossword puzzle | at a time like this? This is considered | a spectator sport? I've had more fun | watching slush melt.
It's a definite improvement, | Maurice.
I'm impressed.
Check.
| Mate in two.
- Wait a minute.
No! | - What? - You dinged the timer, | and then you moved.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did! | - So what? I won the game.
Ding and move.
Ding and move.
It's a typical, | duplicitous, Russki trick! - You lost.
| - I was hoodwinked.
Oh, Mr.
Jimmy Stewart.
| Mr.
John Wayne.
Americans never lose.
What about the Alamo? The Custer's last stand? | Bay of Pigs? The Sputnik? - Sputnik? - Yes, the Sputnik.
| We were there first.
We kicked your butt in space.
That's a damn lie! You're calling me a liar? I'm calling you | a liar and a cheat! I demand satisfaction.
! Fine.
I'll shoot you then.
I've been wantin' to do that for years.
You know, when I was a kid, | I broke my leg.
I had to have a cast on | for six months.
It itched like crazy.
I was always sticking this stick | down there, you know, to itch it.
I thought that felt good.
| „I wanna ride you forever.
I wanna feel your hot, roaring, | fuel-injected machinery under me.
One time during the winter, | I had to go hunting with Uncle Anku.
We were in the woods for weeks.
It was raining, | snowing and freezing.
We went home | and took a hot sauna and sweat.
I thought that felt really good.
But this? | Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
I wanna ride you forever | over mountains through blizzards, | across stormy deserts.
Wow.
| Lightfeather? Yeah? Would it be all right if, you know, | we did it again? Give me words.
I wanna feel your hot, | fuel-injected engine Give me words! Oh.
! Cigarette? I haven't touched | one of those things in 20 years.
But, sure.
| Why not? I might get lucky and die of cancer.
You have a Russian soul, Holling.
I'm a Canuck.
You don't have to be a | Russian to have a Russian soul.
Wild Bill Cody | had a Russian soul.
Dylan Thomas.
| Al Pacino.
Maurice, he doesn't have | a Russian soul.
Empty.
A song with no words.
I would die of shame if | my life were as pointless as his.
You're probably gonna die | anyway, Nikolai.
Maurice is a good shot, huh, Holling? Things got out of hand | a little bit today, didn't they? Things do.
It would be too cowardly | to back out now? Oh, yeah.
Yep.
Smart, but cowardly.
I used to have a regular soul.
I never dreamed.
| I slept too.
Eight nice hours a night.
| I was happy.
You know what Tolstoy did | when he was attacked by dreams? He left his house | his beautiful house his family, his | books, manuscripts and he went out to the fields | to work with the peasants.
All day long, he pushed the plow.
Cut wheat till his hands bled.
And then he slept.
| His dreams just left him alone.
Maybe I should do that.
You know, | work until I just am worn out.
No, Holling.
It was He did the crazy thing, you | know? The reckless thing.
Yeah, he broke his bonds, you know? | He broke free.
Dostoyevsky Same thing.
He went out and worked in the fields? No, no, no, no, no.
He gambled away | everything he ever owned.
The place chosen for the duel | was some 80 paces from the road on which | their sledges had been left in a small clearing | in the pine wood covered with snow that had | thawed in the warmer weather of the last few days.
If Pierre hadn't married If Helene hadn't cheated | If Pierre hadn't lost his temper Lot of ifs in this life.
The duel itself at our next reading | of War and Peace.
It's ironic, isn't it that this parallel universe | we call reality we kinda | we've scripted in our own duel.
It makes you wonder | who's writing this book? Hey, Ed.
| How's it going with Lightfeather? Really good.
| I'm gonna marry her.
- Wow.
That's fast.
| - You think it's too fast? No, I think it's, uh | I think it's great, you know? Get a marriage under your belt.
Get a Get a little | family started, couple kids.
That's what life's all about, you know? | Yeah.
I was hoping | you could perform the ceremony.
I was thinking | next Saturday would be good.
That works for me.
I got some really nice Ramakrishna | on the Ur woman that I think would be | great for Lightfeather.
'Cause, you know, | I- I picture her very Ur.
She's a very kind person.
Really nice too.
| And strong.
That's why I'm gonna need | another letter.
What for? Well, for the marriage proposal.
Oh, you mean, | you haven't asked her yet? Well, it's kind of hard to think of | things to say when she's there.
I need another letter.
Look, sooner or later you're gonna have to jump out | on your own with this woman.
All right? | Sooner or later - You're gonna have to talk to her.
| - Why? Why? Because | that's, you know That's what married people do.
| They-They communicate.
All right, | Ward and June Cleaver, right lying in those separate twin beds.
How many times did you see June lean across that | bedside table and say Ward, I think you better | have a talk with the Beaver? Well, I saw Betty and Vern Kachemak | over here at the Wash 'n Dry.
They were doin' | seven loads of laundry.
They were there for about four hours and neither one of them | said a word to the other one.
Well, except for Betty.
| She kind of, well, grunted once.
And then Vern went over and put | a sheet of softener in the spin cycle.
Well, you know, | then again in the animal kingdom the male African bush bird | only shows his finest feathers during the mating rituals.
Once they do the deed, he's history.
| You know what I mean? Let's get you hitched.
| All right! You know, she really liked that stuff | about the motorcycle.
Sometimes, she makes | this funny little noise like when you rev | an engine too high.
Maybe you could do | something with that.
Joel, you wanted to see me? | Holling, good.
Come on in.
| Take a seat.
Listen, I've been reading up | and making some phone calls about this sleep | disturbance of yours.
There's a REM research clinic | in Anchorage.
They're really interested | in your case.
Now, I figure we'll go down, | we'll spend two or three days.
There's a whole battery of tests | that they can run.
Thank you very much, Joel, | but that won't be necessary.
What? | You mean, you've been sleeping? No, no.
| The dreams abated? No, they're worse than ever.
| Well, what, then? Holling, we have to address | this problem.
A man needs sleep | as much as food or water.
Joel, I am addressing it.
| I've got it all figured out.
You do? You have been searching in | your medical books and your journals for the answer of how to help me when all along | it was right there in front of us.
It was so clear and simple.
| Oh, well, what-what is it? Don't worry, Joel.
| I know what I have to do.
Hey, Holling, are you okay? I'm concerned about you.
Sleep deprivation is | It's a terrible thing.
It's actually used as a form of | torture to break people down.
Now, it can cloud your judgment.
I don't think my mind | has ever been clearer.
The Yukatak Eskimos | fasted for weeks in order to attain | this kind of mental clarity.
All right.
You just promise me, | if you have any rash thoughts any depression, any anxiety, | anything, you-you come see me.
Not just as a physician, | but as your friend.
I appreciate your concern, Joel but I'm-I'm fine now.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
How about it, kids? | Are we ready to chow down? Yes, sir.
All right.
Let us give thanks for the blessings | we are about to receive especially for Sitting Deer's | mashed potatoes.
They look great.
Amen.
| That's it.
Okay, dig in.
Ed, so you're, uh, just about | graduated from high school.
What are your plans? You know, doctor? Lawyer? | Candlestick maker? Well, | I really don't have any plans.
Good.
I like that.
I like a man without a plan.
- I wanna be a movie director.
| - That is an interesting line of work.
Ed, when you get out to Hollywood, | you do me a favor.
See what you can do about | improving the image of the clergy.
- Did you ever see Boys Town? | - Oh, yes.
Like that.
| Something positive.
We left Pierre about to fight | his duel with Dolokhov.
Pipe down, Sitting Birds.
It's time for War and Peace.
that started when | he fell for Helene.
I remember falling like that once only for me, it was | a big old Harley hog.
Man, what a hot machine.
| Damn bike almost killed me too.
Same way this love of Pierre's might now lead him on a | fuel-injected ride to hell.
Now for part the fourth, | chapter five of War and Peace.
A feeling of dread was in the air.
"Dolokhov walked slowly, | not lifting his pistol "and looking intently with his clear shining eyes into the | face of his antagonist.
"His mouth wore, as always, | the semblance of a smile.
"So when I like, I can fire, ' | said Pierre.
'" # Home, home on the range # Where the deer and | the antelope play # Where seldom is heard | a discouraging word # And the skies are not cloudy # All day He's gonna die tomorrow.
| He's singing cowboy songs.
This is really barbaric, O'Connell.
| It is barbaric.
There's no better word | to describe it than barbaric.
Barbaric.
| Barbarism.
But, you know, it's important that | we try to understand the Russian soul.
Nikolai feels he has to | defend his honor.
Honor? | You mean testosterone.
He's not the Count of Monte Cristo.
| He's a-a pop singer.
You're not gonna get | an argument from me on this one.
I mean, just picture it.
| The two of them facing each other in those bleak, stark, | barren woods.
Maurice is no better.
| I told him the Cold War is over.
The icy winds blowing from the north | against the vast, still, gray skies.
He's out there target shooting all day.
| I thought he was gonna shoot me.
Each man alone, | mortality their only companion confronting each other in battle | like ancient gladiators, like gods! By brute force of bayonets the blood of the defenseless | flows in rivers.
"Young men setting forth today to you is entrusted the outraged | honor of Russian arms! You're into this, O'Connell.
| This is turning you on! - Oh, no, it isn't.
| - But you're quoting Dr.
Zhivago.
I'm just merely trying to understand | the Russian mindset, Fleischman.
Ruth-Anne, come here.
You're a rational human being.
| Talk to Nikolai.
Reason with him.
It is a tragedy, isn't it? | Yeah.
Well, here's the gun, nice and clean.
- The gun? | - Yes.
It was my second husband's.
| Kolya's using it tomorrow.
You're giving Nikolai | the instrument of his own death? Oh, Nikolai can hold his own.
| He's a Greco-Roman bronze medalist.
Bottom line, Joel, | Nikolai has chutzpah.
Okay.
Chicken Kiev.
| Beef Stroganoff, no peas.
Shelly, you know this man | better than anybody.
Please talk some sense into him.
It's gonna be really yucky | if he catches any lead.
When was the last time | you knew a guy who's willing to get his brains blown out over nothing? - Holling, you in there? | - Yeah.
What happened, hon? | You fall in? No! Don't! - Don't what? | - I know you like your naps and your blankie and doing spoons | with me and Hug Bear but it'll come back, hon.
We'll work it out.
| This is not the way.
Shelly, I'm not going to kill myself.
- You're not? | - No.
- I'm going to kill a moose.
| - A moose? Yes, a moose.
But you said you weren't | gonna kill animals anymore.
You took a vow | before yourself and God.
Yes.
I guess that's one of my problems | being cooped up here like a pet poodle.
It's time I broke out, | did the wild thing.
Like Tolstoy.
You Chris in the Morning? Yeah, yeah.
| Hi.
Hi.
- Do I know you? | - You wrote that letter.
What letter? Dear Lightfeather, Can I | compare you to a Harley hog? Oh.
Yeah, yeah, that letter.
| Yeah.
That was good, really good.
| I never read anything that good.
I want to ride | your fuel-injected beauty forever.
Wow.
Yeah.
Lightfeather, look we don't wanna get the | singer confused with the song.
I like that.
Say some more.
| Hey! Whoa! Yeah, you're strong, | aren't ya? Look, uh, I wrote that stuff for Ed.
You know, it's, That's how Ed feels about you, | not me.
But I'm the motorcycle, right? Those were my fenders, | my dual exhausts.
Yeah, sure, right.
But, you know, it's | a question of ethics.
'Cause I'm trying to help this guy, | and It's not that I'm incapable | of stabbing a friend in the back.
You know, | I'm as guilty as anybody.
I'm just not prepared to do it | at this here particular time.
Why not? | Why not? Uh, 'cause | Look, no offense, Lightfeather but I gotta draw the line | at any indication of freckles.
It's not a value judgment.
| It's just Well, for you, it's | an accident of birth but for me it's a | arbitrary preference.
You think I like the way you look? | Or Ed? I like guys with a little | more meat on their bones.
Then what do you want? I want the words.
The words? | „Hot, roaring machinery.
Swelling fuel tank.
Oh, you like the words.
I never knew you could get | all that from a motorcycle.
I thought a motorcycle's | just a motorcycle.
No, no, no.
| Writers have been doing it for years.
It's called | eroticizing the landscape.
From, the Kamasutra | to Henry Miller.
There's even a French poet | named Baudelaire who did a lot of interesting stuff | with wet cat fur.
Wet cat fur? Yeah, yeah.
| Hey, why don't you sit down? Lightfeather, | I tell ya what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna make you a reading list.
Plus, I'm gonna write you | one last letter.
Then you gotta go.
Good.
| Okay.
I'm gonna compare you | to a summer's day.
Different strokes for different folks.
| That's good.
Write that.
Come.
I'll see you.
- Hey, Ed.
Can I come in? | - No.
- You okay? | - No.
Look, man, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, well, | you wrote those letters and you let me go out there and you knew that she'd | like you better than me.
No, I didn't.
I didn't.
| But you're right.
It's no excuse.
'Cause I put some stuff | in the universe and it unleashed a chain of events, | and I blew it.
And I'm sorry.
Well, I guess | I did kind of beg you.
It's okay.
You can have her.
I don't want her.
| You don't? - No.
| - Why not? Well, there's nothing wrong with her.
| I mean, don't get me wrong.
But karmically, you know, forget it.
| You play, you pay.
You know, I always thought about | what it would be like.
But it was much different.
| Much, much different.
What? What was? Sex.
| Oh.
It's like that movie Alien.
| Everybody told me how good it was.
And then I saw it and it was much better than | anything I've ever thought it would be.
And I watched that movie four times and each time you get | something different from it.
You see something | that you didn't notice before.
I used to like movies.
Now, everything is just mud.
All right, look here.
| I know you're not gonna believe this all right, | and I know you're hurting but this experience | is gonna transmute itself.
It is.
You do something like this | and it tears you apart but eventually it becomes | one of your fondest memories.
I remember my first trip | into the realm of the senses.
It was in Wheeling, West Virginia.
| Trailer park near the sump.
I was seven years old, | but I knew as much about life | at that moment as I'd ever know.
Well, they're late.
| Let's go home.
Hey, here comes Maurice now.
Looks like a good day to die.
Where is the son of a bitch? He's not here, Maurice, so that's that.
| No duel.
Dobre utra, everybody! | Oh, you came, Maurice.
No, no, don't cry over me, | my lovelies.
I lived, I loved.
I'm | at peace with the world.
I have sung my song.
I saw the sun rise over Machu Picchu, | and the sun set over Acropolis.
Cut the chitchat, Nikolai.
| Let's get on with it.
All right.
Anytime anyone wants | to intervene here, feel free.
Don't let me get in your way.
I didn't cheat, Maurice.
| That's entirely possible.
You are apologizing? | Yes, yes, he's apologizing.
Aren't you, Maurice? | Yeah? Good.
Okay, shake hands.
| We're all gonna go home.
No can do.
Sorry.
Well, where do you want it, Nikolai? Looks like a good spot down there.
Suit yourself.
| It's your funeral.
Do you guys know | what a bullet can do? I was an intern at St.
Vincent's.
| I know bullet wounds.
It is not a small hole.
| It is a messy hole.
It hits a bone, | it could ricochet inside your body.
You know what kind of mess | that makes? You wanna give us room, Joel? Listen, it hits a major organ liver, spleen, heart | you're dead! You're dead! | The lung is especially horrible.
Air leaks out, | you get tension pneuomothorax.
The lung fills up and boom, | you drown in your own blood.
All right, so here's the drill.
On the count of three, | you take 10 paces, turn and fire.
Wait a minute! | You're facilitating this? That's what a second does, Fleischman.
| Okay.
Hey, I'm out of here.
Hope for a stomach wound, | or the intestines.
Then maybe, maybe I can save you, | unless peritonitis gets you first.
It means good luck.
| You too.
Okay.
One, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight, nine Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! | This is ridiculous.
Hey, we play to a very | sophisticated television audience.
They know Maurice is not gonna kill Nikolai, and | they definitely know that Nikolai is | not gonna kill Maurice.
Wait a minute, Fleischman.
You can't just take it upon | yourself to step out of character.
Nobody yelled, „Cut! Joel's right.
| The duel is stupid.
Look, can we just stick | to the matter at hand? How about the fifth revision? Where Nikolai's abscessed | tooth starts acting up and | well, he just cancels? Glib and textually unwarranted.
What if Maurice trips | and kills somebody else by mistake? Oh, great.
| So I'm a klutz now? Look, if there's not a duel, then what | is the point of this whole story? What's the point? | The point is man's tendency to war.
But Joel here is asking us to step | outside of certain events and say Enough.
| Am I right? Listen, whatever.
| It's gettin' cold out here.
Why don't we go on to the next scene? | It's a pretty good one.
All right.
My princess.
| Oh, will you marry me? That's my girl, you fiend.
It's such fun | having Nikolai come to town.
Something interesting's | always happening.
Yeah.
The molecules shift.
Then everything | goes back to normal.
But then everything's different.
| That's exactly it.
And one more thing.
We've achieved détente | for one more year.
Holling! I almost busted a gut | waiting for you to come home.
Are you finished doing | the wild thing like Tolstoy, babe? I sure am.
What ya got there? | That is my young stag.
Shelly, I was sitting out in the woods.
| My gun was ready and loaded.
I was downwind of the slough.
| I was really prepared.
And then suddenly, | I just fell asleep.
I don't know how long.
| But when I opened my eyes the sun was about to set, | and there he was.
You didn't kill him.
| No, I didn't.
By then, I didn't need to.
Shelly, I didn't need to go | out there and kill anything.
I just needed to go out there.
Shell, I fell asleep and I slept without dreams.
I hate this business | of stepping out of the scene.
But you were impressive.
| You really took the bull by the horns.
I didn't know you had it in you.
| Really? Yeah.
| Oh, come on, Fleischman.
You're usually complaining | about this or that.
But sometimes in a pinch or if you're in your office | giving some poor kid a flu shot you surprise me, Fleischman.
Are you flirting with me? I'm just merely saying that | beneath that whiny abrasive exterior of yours I sometimes get a tiny, eensy glimpse | of something almost manly.
Hi, Chris.
| How you doing? Oh, I feel bad.
But I guess it feels kind of good.
I think I'm startin' | to transmute the experience already.
Yeah.
You were apple juice.
| Now, you're apple cider.
# What'll I do # When you are far away # And I am blue # What'll I do # What'll I do # When I am wondering # Who # Is kissing you # What'll I do # What'll I do # With just a photograph # To tell my troubles to # When I'm alone # With only dreams of you # That won't come true # What'll I do # That won't come true # What'll I do