Northern Exposure s04e07 Episode Script
The Bad Seed
Coming at you, Chris.
One Bird-in-a-Basket Special, white meat, no wings.
A.
1.
? Yeah.
No, no.
Jerk sauce, if you got it, please.
Sure.
Chris, how come you get so pumped when the cranes blow through town? Shel, cranes carry this heavy mystical baggage you know, they're icons of happiness and fidelity.
The Vietnamese believe that cranes cart our souls up to heaven on their wings.
I don't know, they just don't grab me.
Now, bears, I can take a sixer and watch them at the dump for hours.
Yeah.
Birds, they just don't cut it.
Sometimes I wish they'd find another way to head south, you know.
'Cause I see them up there winging it along and they just make me feel more earthbound like the flightless bird that I am.
Hey, hon, I'm short a quarter for the cig machine.
Mind changing a twenty for me? No prob.
Thanks.
I've been digging butts, the last 300 miles.
Hasn't even been a decent place to squat.
Okay, here you go.
Ten, five, one, two, three, four, and four quarters.
Thanks.
Sure.
Look at this mess.
I have more junk in this bag than Sanford and Son.
I don't believe it, here it is! I knew I had change.
Well, I suppose I'll need my $20 back now.
Oh, right.
Okay.
Sorry.
Forget my head, if it wasn't pasted on.
Forgetting something else, aren't you, darling? What's that? Change from that $20.
Oh! For crying out loud.
It's right here in my hand.
What'd I tell you? Brain fry.
Well studly, maybe you can help me.
I'm looking for Holling Vincoeur.
He's not here right now.
He's at the swamp, taking pictures of the cranes.
Bird watcher, huh? Dynamic.
Who are you? Jackie Vincoeur.
Vincoeur? That's Holling's name.
What a coincidence.
I'm his daughter.
Hey, Maurice.
What are you doing out here? Don't you "hey" me, Chigliak.
You've got some nerve! What's wrong? What's wrong? Where's Page 82? Half of Chapter 3 is lopsided and Page 107 has a big line down it.
It does? Yes, it does.
Didn't you follow through with this? This is an embarrassment, here.
Gee, I'm sorry, Maurice.
Sorry.
Do you think "sorry" landed a man on the moon or built the Trans-Alaska Pipeline or brought oil down from Point Barrow? No.
No! "Sorry" was not in those people's vocabulary.
Do you know why? Because they had a job to do and they took great pride in doing it.
Do you know what this is? Your memoirs? My contribution to posterity.
My gift to future generations.
I orbited the globe.
All you had to do was go to the copying machine.
And what did you do? Fail? Utterly.
God is in the details, Ed.
No job is too small, from president to street sweeper.
We all pull our weight.
That's why Are you hearing anything I'm saying? Ed? Just a minute, Maurice.
Are you listening to me? She's back! Who? Princess.
Princess? Here you are, ma'am.
Double Grand Marnier, soda back.
You sure I can't interest you in a snack after your long drive? No, thanks, Chief.
Maybe later.
Well, God save the Queen.
With kids like hers, she needs it.
Sit down, babe.
Now, ma'am Jackie.
Well, I don't mean to be unkind, Jackie but I'm afraid you're mistaken.
I don't have any children.
Well, somebody's mistaken, Chief, but it's not me.
Well, you do both kind of have the same face, you know? Big.
Well, Shelly, we may have the same face, but it's not the "same" face.
Okay, let's try it this way.
Do you remember Patrice? Patrice? Yeah.
Who's Patrice? You want to fill her in? Well, Patrice, is an old friend from many years ago, Shelly.
How is Patrice? Mom? Dead.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
But that's how I found out about you.
I was going through her strongbox after the funeral and I found this.
Old lady would have to die opening day at Hialeah.
What is it? It's a birth certificate.
Look down there under "Father.
" What's it say? "Holling Gustav Vincoeur.
" Let me see.
I got more.
Do you remember Claudine? Patrice's sister? Mmm-hmm.
Well, here's a letter.
It tells the whole story.
You ran off, you died in an avalanche you were never any good.
And that, Chief, is your life.
Where's the ladies'? I've got to take a wicked tinkle.
Right over there.
There goes your own flesh and blood Barbie, Holling.
Somebody to knit you socks in your old age and send you cards in the rest home.
Denver today? I had ham.
Birds will be coming soon.
Better put up some more sun-dried tomatoes.
New frying pan? Uh-huh.
I liked the old one.
Oh? More toast? The old one was better.
It was aluminum.
Aluminum gives you Alzheimer's.
Maybe but the bottom was copper.
Copper turns green.
Hey, Marilyn, how you doing? Fine.
You've got some suitcases.
Uh-huh.
Where you going? On a trip? No.
Oh.
I need a house.
You need a house? Uh-huh.
You're not living in your mother's house? I moved out.
Oh.
Do you have one? A house? Gee, not that I can think of.
Not right offhand.
But I can make some calls.
Good.
You mean, right now? Oh.
Okay.
Right now.
Why not? Gotcha.
Now, I have checked and rechecked the blood work, Holling and I keep reaching the same conclusion, that the woman is your daughter.
It can't be.
Sudden dadhood's got him kind of spooked, Dr.
Fleischman.
Holling, you and Jackie are both AB negative which is an extremely uncommon blood type.
But more than that, your HLA's are identical.
You know, it's funny how much you and Jackie look alike.
It's uncanny.
But I just don't understand.
It's got be a mistake.
Human lymphocytic antigens are extremely different.
That is, unless, of course, there's a kinship and with yours and Jackie's there's an identical match.
Now, if you want, we can pursue a DNA analysis in Anchorage.
But this is, "A," expensive, and I think unnecessary.
You see, HLA testing is 99% accurate.
It's admissible in any court of law as proof of paternity.
Is it hot in here? Hot? I feel like I've got this cinder block on my chest.
Whoa, sit down here.
I can't breathe.
Come here.
Now, look, Holling, I understand how upsetting this must be to have a full-grown daughter suddenly appear out of the blue, but I am not Jackie's father.
I can't be, don't you see? I can't father children.
And why not? Because I'm I'm sterile.
Sterile? You're sterile? Sterile.
What makes you think that? I don't just think it, Joel, I know it for a fact.
When I was 17, I had the mumps.
So? Well, my, you know my testicles, they ballooned up, big.
Like granny apples.
Yeah, but, Holling, there's only a 50% chance of infertility with a post-adolescent onset of mumps.
Holling, you've just been thrown for a loop, is all.
Your little soldiers are still armed and dangerous.
There's more.
More? Back in the '50s, in Manitoba there was this woman who was determined to bear me a child.
Who? Well, it doesn't matter now, Shelly.
I mean, she's in a home in Ontario.
Oh.
Anyways, my friend, unbeknownst to me she carried my sperm within her to her physician.
No kidding? The doctor called me to his office and he sat down right opposite me just like you're sitting there now, and he said to me "I've got some very unfortunate news for you.
"I have examined your semen, and your sperm is deformed.
"You can never, ever father a child.
" No.
It's true.
It's interesting, but your physician must have missed something because Jackie is unquestionably your daughter.
Shelly? Shelly? Shelly! Shelly, wait up! Shelly, I know it's got to be a shock.
You better believe it's a shock! All of a sudden, like this, to find out that I have a daughter who's almost twice as old as you are.
I love having a daughter! Then what is it? Is it Patrice? Who? Her mother.
The woman I sired Jackie with.
Oh, please.
Shelly, I was a young man.
Green and foolish.
I don't care about your other girlfriends, Holling! I don't care if Jackie's You lied to me, Holling.
You thought you were sterile, and you didn't tell me? Yes, but How could you do that, Holling? All this time I thought I was sterile.
And you let me think it.
I thought it was for the best.
The best? The best for who? I It's no secret, Shelly the kind of stock that I'm made of.
The Vincoeurs are a bad lot.
We carry a bad seed.
Vicious, cruel.
I was determined to have the whole stinking, rotten line end with me.
Well, it's one thing to be from a line of snakes and roaches but to let me believe that I was a dud? That my womb wouldn't bear any fruit? Shelly When all the time it was you! You're the one who couldn't get a seed planted.
You! Not me, you! So, this is the living room.
Nice southern exposure, good light and would you look at all these electrical outlets? Man, I wish I had a few of these in my house.
Uh-huh.
Anyway, I was thinking you could put the kitchen table in right there because you're near the kitchen and you have a nice view out the window.
Uh-huh.
And the heating bill should be pretty good with this flooring.
But you know what, Marilyn? You might want to replace this and put some storm windows in put some sealing around the doorway and some 15 insulation up in the attic.
But, you know, you can take it as a home improvement deduction.
Save money both ways.
Do people come visit? Visit? The house? Well, let's see.
John Cane lived here before.
The snowplower.
He had a nephew.
I think, he came to visit a few times.
Oh.
Where were we? Anyway, moving on.
Big kitchen, huh? Airy, lots of counter space, cabinets.
Yeah, there is a little dry rot on the sills here but you can take it down with sandpaper put a little sealer on it, it should be okay.
The stove? Yeah, it's a good one, isn't it? Four burners, self-cleaning.
And over there you have a lot of space for a good-size refrigerator.
It makes the air nervous.
The stove? Mmm-hmm.
Well, you know, I guess it does need a good scrubbing.
A little Brillo and hot water, and it'll come right back.
It should be over there.
Nervous? And, so here we are, back where we started.
So, Marilyn, what do you say? Do you like it? No.
Ah.
Oh, okay.
May I ask why? Sure.
So, I sell the junk, a '73 Dodge Duster and one of those creepy old lady cameo things I put my inheritance on a running muddy out of Belmont, and he comes in.
I strung on that money for three months.
Cool.
Oh, and then the links on my friggin' chain broke.
You know how it is.
Mmm-hmm.
And I put my compass on north, and here I am.
To find your long-lost dad.
Even if he is a top ten B.
S.
- er.
I can handle him.
Look at him over there.
Watching me like a warden.
Now, I'm going to show you a shot that you can make a little change with.
You play this one on the boys.
And the hornier, the better.
In other words, the tighter your jeans, the bigger the bet.
You got my drift? Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Hey, Dave.
Couple more wet ones over here.
Okay.
Maurice, you notice anything amiss about my daughter? Well, she cusses like a sailor.
Not a very flattering feminine trait, as far as I'm concerned.
One minute she tells me that she's selling time-shares in Reno the next thing I know, she's "between jobs.
" She says she lives in Oakland.
Next thing I know, she's talking about Houston.
She asks me, are me and Shelly married.
She wants to know how much the bar's taking in.
Knows her way around a deck of cards, I can tell you that.
She cleaned my clip.
And what about this funny money? Look, the corners are all twenties.
But you turn it over, it's a $1 bill.
Jackie did this? Well Have you noticed she looks a lot like Shelly, only with more miles on her? She does not look like Shelly at all.
Well, I notice a remarkable resemblance.
Maurice, would you excuse me for a minute, please? Sure.
Fixed you ladies a little something.
Wouldn't want all those beers sloshing around on empty stomachs.
We don't want tuna melts, Holling.
We want shrimp-in-the-baskets, right, Jackie? Mmm-hmm.
And crisp up those fries this time, eh, Chief? I'll see to it with my own hands.
Oh, and I need some change for the jukebox.
I must have left my cash upstairs.
Four quarters will do it.
Oh, and remind me to give you a check for those phone calls to George.
Your bookie? That's right, Chief.
Holling, some elbow room, please.
You're blocking my shot.
Hey, Marilyn guess how many sperm in a cubic centimeter.
That's like the size of a jelly bean.
Huh? No idea? Fifteen million.
Fifteen million sperm.
It's like twice the population of New York City.
We're talking about the human reproductive system here, Marilyn.
This is fascinating stuff.
What could possibly be more compelling? H.
G.
H.
G.
That's right.
How's the house hunting? Find a place? No.
Well, you've seen enough of them.
What are you looking for, anyway? My dream house.
Your dream house? What does that mean, "dream house"? Everybody has a dream house.
I don't.
No? No.
I've always lived in an apartment.
Austin Street, Queens, the Upper West Side.
For a brief time, a loft sublet in SoHo.
Hey.
O'Connell.
What can I do for you? Lance a boil? Remove a corn? Well, as a matter of fact, Fleischman, I'm here to see Marilyn.
Okay.
Marilyn, I have found a great place.
It's a little ranch house, just out of town.
Quiet, an acre and a half, and there's plenty of room for a garden.
I don't think so.
But, Marilyn, it's perfect.
There's even a two-car garage for the ostriches.
It's a ranch.
All right.
Well, let's back up a minute.
Now, I've shown you a number of houses none of which have been right.
So why don't you describe to me exactly what you're looking for and I'll see if I can find it.
It has to have two floors.
Okay.
Pointed roof.
Big vegetable garden.
Right.
Lavender kitchen.
Sauna.
Okay.
Well, I'll keep looking.
I'll see if I can find it.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Cards are kind of cold for you today, huh? Do you want to double down, big boy? Payday's not till next Thursday.
You're not going anywhere, are you? "Not going anywhere.
" Split them and hit me one more time.
Shelly? Hey, get me a margarita, Chief.
And Holling, a couple of bags of BBQ's.
Shelly, do you have any idea how much more time you're going to be playing? I could use a little relief at the bar.
You should have thought of that before, Holling.
Me and Jackie are going over to Weed Patch.
She's playing in the big backgammon tourney.
Hey, Holling.
Don't you think they look a lot alike? Same hair, same eyes, same teeth.
No.
Oh.
I don't think they look anything alike.
Plus she's got a strange way of dealing with other people's money.
Just what are you saying? You're a cheat, that's what I'm saying.
You're a low-down, no-good cheat.
Oh, is that right? That's right! That's your daughter you're talking to, Holling.
Go on say it, you big hick.
You overgrown hillbilly.
You miserable excuse of a man! Why, I ought to Go on, go on! You've been wanting to give me a knot on my head for a long time.
Take your best shot! Go on, do it! What are you, chicken? I I'm sorry.
What a wimp.
Here you go, Princess.
Some nice tasty mealworms to fatten you up for your journey.
Oh, I never really seen one of these cranes up close, you know.
It's true, they really look at you like they're reading your mind, you know? What do you think, Princess, any birds in my past lives? You know, Chris, I remember when I used to feed her mashed worms with a turkey baster when she was just a baby right here in the palm of my hand.
How'd you guys meet up again? Oh, I was down at the lagoon collecting mosquitoes for my extensive collection and there were a bunch of cranes there and she just came right on over.
Good vibes.
Yep.
Then I tried to get her to leave, but she wouldn't go away.
Like she thought I was her mother, or something.
And now on every migration, she just stops by for a visit.
Like a cross-species thing, huh? You know, that guy down in Pensacola he fell in love with a dolphin.
I don't know if he tied the knot but he bought some beachfront property, and, you know she kept her last name.
Hey, look, Ed, we got some company.
Come here, birdy, come here! Hey, big fella! Flap those big wings on over here.
Come here, we got some fresh mealworms for you! No, Chris, don't encourage him.
Why not? Well look at the way he's looking at her.
What way is that, Ed? Well, he's giving her the eye.
No kidding.
You can tell that? You can't? No, not really.
Are you sure? Yeah.
She's too young to go steady, Chris.
Well, I don't know, Ed.
That Romeo over there doesn't think so.
I mean, it's got to happen sometime, you know.
All these birds are flying by two-by-two and Princess here is all alone.
Well, that's true.
Don't be shy, girl.
That guy just needs a little encouragement.
Come on.
Nope.
See, she won't go.
Well, a girl can't be too picky these days.
Cranes mate for life, Chris.
Yeah, big commitment for a first date.
Oh, yes.
Make a mistake, you get into divorce lawyers, community property.
It's a mess.
Chris in the morning on KBHR.
Got a couple of billboard items here from the KBHR billboard.
Ravioli workshop at the Theosophy Society this weekend bring your own ravi-roller.
Steelhead are running on the upper fork of the Chuckamuck.
Ooh, that's exciting.
Greg George wants everybody to know his wife Jenny is recovering quite nicely after their blowout.
Guess everybody probably knows by now our avian brothers are back to roost on the first leg of their annual sojourn south.
Why them and not us? Maybe it's because us humans are meant to be rooted in one spot.
West Virginia nice autumn day, just like this one.
It was like a genetic calling.
Every fiber of my being was saying, "Chris, follow the sun.
" But did I listen? No.
Couple of weeks later I'm pinched for boosting records with the Joy King.
They slapped this sorry bird in a cage with no swing and no window.
Now here I am, many miles, many years later an alleged free man facing another cold, cold, bitter winter.
Am I heading south? Am I following the sun? No, I'm not.
Is this glass radio booth, any less of a cage? Here's one from me.
Hey, Ed.
What's up? Chris, I don't know what to do.
Well, join the club.
I mean, I tried to be a good influence to Princess.
I raised her the best way I knew how.
Gave her everything she needed mashing her insects, keeping her warm.
And when she went and flew south with the rest of her flock well, I figured my job was complete.
Well, it is.
You know, you did a fine job.
She's an excellent bird.
No, I don't think so, Chris.
She's all confused.
She doesn't know who she is.
You were right.
She should be mated right now.
She should have a family of her own.
What does she do? Follows me around.
Well, Ed, maybe she's just a late bloomer.
This morning, I tried to fix it up between her and the guy bird.
Mmm-hmm.
Dug some fresh worms lured him over to her.
What'd she do? Turns up her nose.
Couldn't relate at all.
Hmm.
Yeah, you know what I'm afraid of? She's gonna end up a lonely geek just like Liza Minelli.
In The Sterile Cuckoo.
Oh, oh.
Yeah.
Did you try the crane dance? Crane dance? Yeah, it's an ancient Indian ritual.
It is? Oh, yeah.
Indians like yourself do it all the time.
We have? Yeah.
Ed, you gotta You gotta get your bird up, and you gotta dance with her, you know.
You gotta flip the switch on her hormonal motor, you know? Chris, I never heard of that.
Ed, she will be strutting her stuff so fast that Romeo won't know what hit him, man, believe me.
Hmm.
Yeah, come in.
Joel? Hey, Holling.
You wanted to see me? Yeah.
Come on in.
Grab a seat.
Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? No, I'm fine, Joel.
Okay.
Well, I just wanted to, you know check in, see how things are going.
I mean, you've had some pretty traumatic changes in your life, huh? Well, yes.
I appreciate that, Joel.
And the truth is, it's been very unnerving.
And you were absolutely right.
I mean, Jackie is a true Vincoeur, through and through.
And her presence here has confirmed my worst fears about our lineage.
She drinks to excess, she smokes, she cusses she gambles, and I believe she cheats.
And she's no good for Shelly.
She's a terrible influence on her.
I mean, Shelly came home in the wee hours she was stinking of bourbon and tobacco and Shelly doesn't smoke.
And I know what she's doing.
I can't altogether blame her for it.
I mean, she's trying to get back at me for being sterile.
Or not sterile.
Or Well, you know what I mean.
Yeah, actually it's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.
What is it, Joel? Well, I've been discussing your case with some andrologists Back East.
Now, these are specialists in the field and we all find this rather compelling.
I mean, you're diagnosed as sterile and then you sire a child.
It's you know, it's a confusing situation.
Yes, it is.
Well, with your cooperation, I'd like to explore your case a little further.
Well, I appreciate that, Joel.
Excellent.
That's exactly what I was hoping you were going to say.
Now first thing we're gonna need is a sample.
Come again? No, once'll be sufficient.
We need to look at some of your sperm.
Sperm? Yeah.
Just head on in there and relax, and we'll see what's what.
You mean Right.
You want me to Yeah.
Oh, no, Joel.
I I don't do I can't.
Hey, Holling, it's not a problem.
Look.
I've got some Penthouses here.
We got, December, November.
Don't worry about it.
Good luck.
Joel.
Yeah, Holling? This may take a while.
Take as long as you need.
Okay, that balances.
Vienna sausages.
We used to eat these things till they were oozing out our ears.
You and your mom? No, me and my two kids.
Oh.
Of course, they're grown now.
They're into the long con.
Aluminum siding, pyramid sales.
Excuse me.
Can I help you girls find anything? Oh, no, thanks.
We're just window shopping.
Take your time.
So, let me ask you something, hon.
What about Holling? How does he do at The Brick? You mean money-wise? For starters, yeah.
Well, okay, I guess.
Like, how much? Well, I really don't know.
After I lost $4,000 on the Home Shopping Network I told him he better keep the keys to the bank.
$4,000.
That's real cash.
He works a lot of hours.
Squirrels it away, does he? I'll say.
Maybe he's not as slow as he looks.
I think I'll pick him up these kipper snacks.
He loves them on saltines with mustard.
Let me, hon.
Thanks, Jackie.
My pleasure.
Could I have change for this $20, please? Oh, sure.
A tenner, two fives okay? Yeah, fine.
There you are.
Oh, thanks.
Can I have some singles, please? Oh, certainly.
Okay.
Here we go.
That's one, two, three, four, five.
I gave you $10.
Did you? Yes.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Will $5 be okay? Mmm-hmm, fine.
You know what? Here take these singles, and give me back the $10.
Wait a minute.
Here, take the $5.
Let's start all over again.
Give me back my $20, and I'd like these kippers, please.
Here.
I'm sorry.
I just lost track for a moment.
It happens.
Thanks.
Come on, Shel, let's hit it.
Bye, Ruth-Anne.
Bye, dear.
Jackie did you just pull a fast one on Ruth-Anne? Oh, of course not.
Here's the Chief's kippers.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Whirlwind.
It's Maggie! Hello, Maggie.
How are you today? Fine, thank you.
How's the fall pickling coming? Done cabbage yesterday.
Put up 50 quarts this year.
Now that's a lot of cabbage.
You had a good season.
Gonna do beets tomorrow.
Pickled beets.
Those are my favorite.
You know, Mrs.
Whirlwind, the past couple of days I've been showing Marilyn some properties around town.
Yes, I know.
And she hasn't really liked anything I've shown her and I've shown her some really nice properties and I'm beginning to run out of ideas.
She's hard to please.
No, see, I don't think she wants another house.
I think she likes this house.
I don't think she really wanted to leave in the first place.
She's not coming back.
Are you sure? Yes.
She feels she has no say here.
Well, you don't think you two could have a mother-daughter talk? You know, work things through, iron out your differences make some new ground rules maybe.
It's too late.
Why? I'm selling my house.
You're selling your house? But Mrs.
Whirlwind, you and your family have lived here for years.
With Marilyn gone, we feel we don't need such a big place.
We're getting an Airstream near my sister.
We use a number of parameters to evaluate a sperm sample, okay? There's density, morphology, motility, viscosity and volume.
Jackie's everything I feared, and more.
She's my worst nightmare come to haunt me.
You gave me a nice, hefty ejaculate, Holling.
Very impressive.
Five cc's.
In the highest range of the volume spectrum.
Especially for a man your age.
And your semen liquefied immediately, which means that your viscosity is fine.
And worst of all, she'll ruin Shelly.
All that childlike innocence and beauty will vanish.
As you will see, your density rules out azoospermia which is the absence of sperm, or even oligospermia, which is a reduced presence.
Now, that's what would've happened had there been damage from your post-pubertal onset of mumps.
Maybe it's too late.
Maybe it's happened already.
So this left me with morphology and motility which is the shape and the movement of the sperm, and that is where your problem lies.
I'm telling you, Joel, the damage is done.
Once a Vincoeur gets his claws into you it's over.
You're finished.
Holling.
Holling, I'm talking to you about your ejaculate.
My what? Your sperm.
Come here.
Have a seat.
Feast your eyes.
This is the focus right here.
Those are my sperm? That is the marshalling of your genetic forces awaiting the call to battle.
They look all bent and broken.
They look like General Robert E.
Lee's troops after the Battle of Gettysburg.
Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? I mean, every man has some abnormally shaped sperm, anywhere to 50%.
But yours are, like, abnormally abnormal.
Shouldn't they be moving around? Absolutely.
And with vigor.
I mean, when you think of the distance that a sperm has to travel in the woman it's comparable to me jogging from midtown Manhattan to Miami Beach.
Well, why do these little buggers look so tuckered out? Well, my best guess is It's a condition called varicocele, okay? Now, in layman's terms, what it means is that your testicles are too hot.
See, the scrotum is a very sophisticated thermal regulator.
It's designed to keep the semen at a constant 93 degrees.
Now, normally it does it's job but when you get too much blood flowing from the abdomen as I think it does in your case the gonads overheat, and the semen, in essence, is cooked.
Well, then, why did Jackie happen? Well, this is what I'm getting at.
Take another look.
What am I supposed to be looking at here, Joel? The upper left-hand quadrant, swimming to your right.
Oh, my gosh, that's an active little devil.
Right? Wiggling around to beat of the band.
That's the guy, Holling, that's him.
One in a million.
Now, one guy just like that fertilized the egg, and that is how you got Jackie.
One in a million.
Yeah.
Oh, my Shelly those ambrosia salads are very pretty.
Can I get you some more whipped topping? Okay.
Here are two cans.
Thanks.
Hope I didn't put too many marshmallows in it again this time.
Oh, no.
Shelly, your ambrosia salads are one of the most popular items on our menu.
Many of the customers, on several occasions, have commented to me on their appreciation of your fine salads.
Really? Oh, yes.
Shelly, sweetheart please you've got to forgive me.
You've just got to understand how very sorry I am.
I couldn't live inside my own skin if I thought that you thought I could ever mean to cause you suffering.
But I've known how much you wanted to have babies some day and I was afraid that if I told you about my sterility that you would no longer think of me as a manly man and one day I would wake up in the morning, and you'd be gone.
Yeah, I know.
You know? Sure.
But you're not shooting blanks, so, no sweat.
It's just, poor Jackie.
Poor Jackie? When I think about her growing up dadless not even knowing who her real father was.
I mean, my dad used to take a vacation from the trailer from time to time but he was there when I got my ears pierced and he was there when I totaled Tammy's GTO.
Then there's Jackie.
Alone.
But still, she's a piece of bad news, Holling.
Jackie? I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly but your little girl wrote the book.
Yeah? Jackie? Who is it? Holling.
May I come in? Door's open.
I'd like a word with you, Jackie.
Shoot, Chief.
Get your shoes off the bedspread, turn off the music and don't call me Chief.
Whoa.
What bee flew in your fly? Jackie, a man dreams of having children.
Well, most men do, anyway.
A son who will carry his name take his place in the world, and a daughter.
And here you are, my child my daughter, big as life.
Got that part right.
Jackie, I would like to have given you a home.
To have provided for your needs to have taken my rightful place as your father but as you know, I never knew you existed.
Frankly, meeting you was a tremendous blow.
Cut to the chase, Chief.
I wanted to deny you, Jackie, to reject you.
But that's changed.
I accept you.
I recognize you as my own and I want you to leave.
Now.
What? I look at you, my daughter, and I feel nothing towards you.
Nothing parental nothing familial.
Nothing.
I'm like an empty bottle, with just a few bitter drops of venom inside.
Tell me something.
Why did you come back here, Jackie? What do you want from me? Money.
Money? Is that all? I'm a Vincoeur.
You know what that makes me.
How much? Wait till you see this one, Marilyn.
It's two stories insulated garage for your ostriches, big garden.
Sun? Mmm-hmm, plenty.
And wait till you see the kitchen.
It's big and bright and there's a built-in microwave, and walk-in pantry.
Does it have a root cellar? Mmm-hmm.
A big one.
My mother's house? Yeah.
It is.
Looks smaller than I remember.
She's selling it? Mmm-hmm.
Pretty much in your price range, too.
Needs painting.
Yeah, but it's a great location.
Railing's wobbly.
We can fix that.
Couple of nails.
Well, what do you think, Marilyn? I'll take it.
Good.
Enough hot water for your bath, Shelly? Steeped like a tea bag.
I'll be down in a minute, hon.
I just can't do anything with my hair.
Oh, there's no need to rush.
It's a slow one tonight.
Or maybe it just feels nice and easy with that Jackie gone.
How's this? Very pretty.
Shows your clean little ears.
Maybe I should just chop it off.
Sassy says short's in for fall.
Oh, no, Shelly, don't do that.
I like your hair just the way it is.
The way it gets in my teeth and tickles my nose.
Maybe just goose up the highlights a bit.
Streak it electric blue.
You know, Dave could probably handle the dinner traffic downstairs.
It's chili night.
There's not much grill work.
What have you got on your mind, Holling Vincoeur? Oh, well, I don't know.
I know a couple of things that would keep your grill sizzling.
Why don't you take a seat right over there? Why don't you come sit with me? Okay.
Here I come, my big teddy bear.
Oh, Shelly Mmm, you smell so good.
It's called Palomino.
I like it.
It's been a long time, hasn't it? Three whole days.
Just a second, babe.
This is for you.
"Johnny's Raincoat"? It's the candy-striped kind.
But, Shelly, we've never used condoms before.
Well, we never knew about Jackie before.
True.
I like your new house, Marilyn.
Thank you.
I mean, it's It's a lot like your old house, only Different.
Right.
Yeah.
I mean different.
More potatoes? Oh, yeah, please.
These are actually quite delicious.
There's salt butter nutmeg, maybe? Salt.
It's funny that a lot of people actually associate potatoes with the Irish.
Potato soup, Potato Famine.
They're a New World discovery.
Yeah.
It was the Peruvian Indians that introduced potatoes to the Spanish.
Did you know that? Yes, I did, Fleischman.
I remember Mr.
Gerber's biology class.
We had this fish tank in the middle of the classroom and the man would stick his hand in, up to his elbow, and pull it out, covered with algae.
Now, this was just to get a rise out of the girls.
Never forget my first dissection.
Any of you ever dissect a frog? I like frog.
Breaded with paprika.
Yeah.
Tastes just like chicken.
You feel that, Ed? What? Winter.
It's a while away, man, but I can tell it's coming.
I can smell it.
I can almost take a bite out of it, likes it's a steel bar.
You can kind of taste it.
Yeah.
Same thing every year, you know.
I can tell it's coming, man.
It just makes me wanna run book it south.
It's like an instinct.
Hey, why don't you winter down south in Florida like those old folks in Cocoon? I guess I'll weather out a few more winters here you know, like the song says - Shh! There she is, Princess.
Just like you said.
Come on.
Don't move too fast, or you'll spook her.
How you doing, doll face? You got your party dress on? It's time for this gal to fly with the guys, Ed.
Yeah, I know.
What do we do now? Well, Ed, now we dance.
How? With abandon.
One Bird-in-a-Basket Special, white meat, no wings.
A.
1.
? Yeah.
No, no.
Jerk sauce, if you got it, please.
Sure.
Chris, how come you get so pumped when the cranes blow through town? Shel, cranes carry this heavy mystical baggage you know, they're icons of happiness and fidelity.
The Vietnamese believe that cranes cart our souls up to heaven on their wings.
I don't know, they just don't grab me.
Now, bears, I can take a sixer and watch them at the dump for hours.
Yeah.
Birds, they just don't cut it.
Sometimes I wish they'd find another way to head south, you know.
'Cause I see them up there winging it along and they just make me feel more earthbound like the flightless bird that I am.
Hey, hon, I'm short a quarter for the cig machine.
Mind changing a twenty for me? No prob.
Thanks.
I've been digging butts, the last 300 miles.
Hasn't even been a decent place to squat.
Okay, here you go.
Ten, five, one, two, three, four, and four quarters.
Thanks.
Sure.
Look at this mess.
I have more junk in this bag than Sanford and Son.
I don't believe it, here it is! I knew I had change.
Well, I suppose I'll need my $20 back now.
Oh, right.
Okay.
Sorry.
Forget my head, if it wasn't pasted on.
Forgetting something else, aren't you, darling? What's that? Change from that $20.
Oh! For crying out loud.
It's right here in my hand.
What'd I tell you? Brain fry.
Well studly, maybe you can help me.
I'm looking for Holling Vincoeur.
He's not here right now.
He's at the swamp, taking pictures of the cranes.
Bird watcher, huh? Dynamic.
Who are you? Jackie Vincoeur.
Vincoeur? That's Holling's name.
What a coincidence.
I'm his daughter.
Hey, Maurice.
What are you doing out here? Don't you "hey" me, Chigliak.
You've got some nerve! What's wrong? What's wrong? Where's Page 82? Half of Chapter 3 is lopsided and Page 107 has a big line down it.
It does? Yes, it does.
Didn't you follow through with this? This is an embarrassment, here.
Gee, I'm sorry, Maurice.
Sorry.
Do you think "sorry" landed a man on the moon or built the Trans-Alaska Pipeline or brought oil down from Point Barrow? No.
No! "Sorry" was not in those people's vocabulary.
Do you know why? Because they had a job to do and they took great pride in doing it.
Do you know what this is? Your memoirs? My contribution to posterity.
My gift to future generations.
I orbited the globe.
All you had to do was go to the copying machine.
And what did you do? Fail? Utterly.
God is in the details, Ed.
No job is too small, from president to street sweeper.
We all pull our weight.
That's why Are you hearing anything I'm saying? Ed? Just a minute, Maurice.
Are you listening to me? She's back! Who? Princess.
Princess? Here you are, ma'am.
Double Grand Marnier, soda back.
You sure I can't interest you in a snack after your long drive? No, thanks, Chief.
Maybe later.
Well, God save the Queen.
With kids like hers, she needs it.
Sit down, babe.
Now, ma'am Jackie.
Well, I don't mean to be unkind, Jackie but I'm afraid you're mistaken.
I don't have any children.
Well, somebody's mistaken, Chief, but it's not me.
Well, you do both kind of have the same face, you know? Big.
Well, Shelly, we may have the same face, but it's not the "same" face.
Okay, let's try it this way.
Do you remember Patrice? Patrice? Yeah.
Who's Patrice? You want to fill her in? Well, Patrice, is an old friend from many years ago, Shelly.
How is Patrice? Mom? Dead.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
But that's how I found out about you.
I was going through her strongbox after the funeral and I found this.
Old lady would have to die opening day at Hialeah.
What is it? It's a birth certificate.
Look down there under "Father.
" What's it say? "Holling Gustav Vincoeur.
" Let me see.
I got more.
Do you remember Claudine? Patrice's sister? Mmm-hmm.
Well, here's a letter.
It tells the whole story.
You ran off, you died in an avalanche you were never any good.
And that, Chief, is your life.
Where's the ladies'? I've got to take a wicked tinkle.
Right over there.
There goes your own flesh and blood Barbie, Holling.
Somebody to knit you socks in your old age and send you cards in the rest home.
Denver today? I had ham.
Birds will be coming soon.
Better put up some more sun-dried tomatoes.
New frying pan? Uh-huh.
I liked the old one.
Oh? More toast? The old one was better.
It was aluminum.
Aluminum gives you Alzheimer's.
Maybe but the bottom was copper.
Copper turns green.
Hey, Marilyn, how you doing? Fine.
You've got some suitcases.
Uh-huh.
Where you going? On a trip? No.
Oh.
I need a house.
You need a house? Uh-huh.
You're not living in your mother's house? I moved out.
Oh.
Do you have one? A house? Gee, not that I can think of.
Not right offhand.
But I can make some calls.
Good.
You mean, right now? Oh.
Okay.
Right now.
Why not? Gotcha.
Now, I have checked and rechecked the blood work, Holling and I keep reaching the same conclusion, that the woman is your daughter.
It can't be.
Sudden dadhood's got him kind of spooked, Dr.
Fleischman.
Holling, you and Jackie are both AB negative which is an extremely uncommon blood type.
But more than that, your HLA's are identical.
You know, it's funny how much you and Jackie look alike.
It's uncanny.
But I just don't understand.
It's got be a mistake.
Human lymphocytic antigens are extremely different.
That is, unless, of course, there's a kinship and with yours and Jackie's there's an identical match.
Now, if you want, we can pursue a DNA analysis in Anchorage.
But this is, "A," expensive, and I think unnecessary.
You see, HLA testing is 99% accurate.
It's admissible in any court of law as proof of paternity.
Is it hot in here? Hot? I feel like I've got this cinder block on my chest.
Whoa, sit down here.
I can't breathe.
Come here.
Now, look, Holling, I understand how upsetting this must be to have a full-grown daughter suddenly appear out of the blue, but I am not Jackie's father.
I can't be, don't you see? I can't father children.
And why not? Because I'm I'm sterile.
Sterile? You're sterile? Sterile.
What makes you think that? I don't just think it, Joel, I know it for a fact.
When I was 17, I had the mumps.
So? Well, my, you know my testicles, they ballooned up, big.
Like granny apples.
Yeah, but, Holling, there's only a 50% chance of infertility with a post-adolescent onset of mumps.
Holling, you've just been thrown for a loop, is all.
Your little soldiers are still armed and dangerous.
There's more.
More? Back in the '50s, in Manitoba there was this woman who was determined to bear me a child.
Who? Well, it doesn't matter now, Shelly.
I mean, she's in a home in Ontario.
Oh.
Anyways, my friend, unbeknownst to me she carried my sperm within her to her physician.
No kidding? The doctor called me to his office and he sat down right opposite me just like you're sitting there now, and he said to me "I've got some very unfortunate news for you.
"I have examined your semen, and your sperm is deformed.
"You can never, ever father a child.
" No.
It's true.
It's interesting, but your physician must have missed something because Jackie is unquestionably your daughter.
Shelly? Shelly? Shelly! Shelly, wait up! Shelly, I know it's got to be a shock.
You better believe it's a shock! All of a sudden, like this, to find out that I have a daughter who's almost twice as old as you are.
I love having a daughter! Then what is it? Is it Patrice? Who? Her mother.
The woman I sired Jackie with.
Oh, please.
Shelly, I was a young man.
Green and foolish.
I don't care about your other girlfriends, Holling! I don't care if Jackie's You lied to me, Holling.
You thought you were sterile, and you didn't tell me? Yes, but How could you do that, Holling? All this time I thought I was sterile.
And you let me think it.
I thought it was for the best.
The best? The best for who? I It's no secret, Shelly the kind of stock that I'm made of.
The Vincoeurs are a bad lot.
We carry a bad seed.
Vicious, cruel.
I was determined to have the whole stinking, rotten line end with me.
Well, it's one thing to be from a line of snakes and roaches but to let me believe that I was a dud? That my womb wouldn't bear any fruit? Shelly When all the time it was you! You're the one who couldn't get a seed planted.
You! Not me, you! So, this is the living room.
Nice southern exposure, good light and would you look at all these electrical outlets? Man, I wish I had a few of these in my house.
Uh-huh.
Anyway, I was thinking you could put the kitchen table in right there because you're near the kitchen and you have a nice view out the window.
Uh-huh.
And the heating bill should be pretty good with this flooring.
But you know what, Marilyn? You might want to replace this and put some storm windows in put some sealing around the doorway and some 15 insulation up in the attic.
But, you know, you can take it as a home improvement deduction.
Save money both ways.
Do people come visit? Visit? The house? Well, let's see.
John Cane lived here before.
The snowplower.
He had a nephew.
I think, he came to visit a few times.
Oh.
Where were we? Anyway, moving on.
Big kitchen, huh? Airy, lots of counter space, cabinets.
Yeah, there is a little dry rot on the sills here but you can take it down with sandpaper put a little sealer on it, it should be okay.
The stove? Yeah, it's a good one, isn't it? Four burners, self-cleaning.
And over there you have a lot of space for a good-size refrigerator.
It makes the air nervous.
The stove? Mmm-hmm.
Well, you know, I guess it does need a good scrubbing.
A little Brillo and hot water, and it'll come right back.
It should be over there.
Nervous? And, so here we are, back where we started.
So, Marilyn, what do you say? Do you like it? No.
Ah.
Oh, okay.
May I ask why? Sure.
So, I sell the junk, a '73 Dodge Duster and one of those creepy old lady cameo things I put my inheritance on a running muddy out of Belmont, and he comes in.
I strung on that money for three months.
Cool.
Oh, and then the links on my friggin' chain broke.
You know how it is.
Mmm-hmm.
And I put my compass on north, and here I am.
To find your long-lost dad.
Even if he is a top ten B.
S.
- er.
I can handle him.
Look at him over there.
Watching me like a warden.
Now, I'm going to show you a shot that you can make a little change with.
You play this one on the boys.
And the hornier, the better.
In other words, the tighter your jeans, the bigger the bet.
You got my drift? Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Hey, Dave.
Couple more wet ones over here.
Okay.
Maurice, you notice anything amiss about my daughter? Well, she cusses like a sailor.
Not a very flattering feminine trait, as far as I'm concerned.
One minute she tells me that she's selling time-shares in Reno the next thing I know, she's "between jobs.
" She says she lives in Oakland.
Next thing I know, she's talking about Houston.
She asks me, are me and Shelly married.
She wants to know how much the bar's taking in.
Knows her way around a deck of cards, I can tell you that.
She cleaned my clip.
And what about this funny money? Look, the corners are all twenties.
But you turn it over, it's a $1 bill.
Jackie did this? Well Have you noticed she looks a lot like Shelly, only with more miles on her? She does not look like Shelly at all.
Well, I notice a remarkable resemblance.
Maurice, would you excuse me for a minute, please? Sure.
Fixed you ladies a little something.
Wouldn't want all those beers sloshing around on empty stomachs.
We don't want tuna melts, Holling.
We want shrimp-in-the-baskets, right, Jackie? Mmm-hmm.
And crisp up those fries this time, eh, Chief? I'll see to it with my own hands.
Oh, and I need some change for the jukebox.
I must have left my cash upstairs.
Four quarters will do it.
Oh, and remind me to give you a check for those phone calls to George.
Your bookie? That's right, Chief.
Holling, some elbow room, please.
You're blocking my shot.
Hey, Marilyn guess how many sperm in a cubic centimeter.
That's like the size of a jelly bean.
Huh? No idea? Fifteen million.
Fifteen million sperm.
It's like twice the population of New York City.
We're talking about the human reproductive system here, Marilyn.
This is fascinating stuff.
What could possibly be more compelling? H.
G.
H.
G.
That's right.
How's the house hunting? Find a place? No.
Well, you've seen enough of them.
What are you looking for, anyway? My dream house.
Your dream house? What does that mean, "dream house"? Everybody has a dream house.
I don't.
No? No.
I've always lived in an apartment.
Austin Street, Queens, the Upper West Side.
For a brief time, a loft sublet in SoHo.
Hey.
O'Connell.
What can I do for you? Lance a boil? Remove a corn? Well, as a matter of fact, Fleischman, I'm here to see Marilyn.
Okay.
Marilyn, I have found a great place.
It's a little ranch house, just out of town.
Quiet, an acre and a half, and there's plenty of room for a garden.
I don't think so.
But, Marilyn, it's perfect.
There's even a two-car garage for the ostriches.
It's a ranch.
All right.
Well, let's back up a minute.
Now, I've shown you a number of houses none of which have been right.
So why don't you describe to me exactly what you're looking for and I'll see if I can find it.
It has to have two floors.
Okay.
Pointed roof.
Big vegetable garden.
Right.
Lavender kitchen.
Sauna.
Okay.
Well, I'll keep looking.
I'll see if I can find it.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Cards are kind of cold for you today, huh? Do you want to double down, big boy? Payday's not till next Thursday.
You're not going anywhere, are you? "Not going anywhere.
" Split them and hit me one more time.
Shelly? Hey, get me a margarita, Chief.
And Holling, a couple of bags of BBQ's.
Shelly, do you have any idea how much more time you're going to be playing? I could use a little relief at the bar.
You should have thought of that before, Holling.
Me and Jackie are going over to Weed Patch.
She's playing in the big backgammon tourney.
Hey, Holling.
Don't you think they look a lot alike? Same hair, same eyes, same teeth.
No.
Oh.
I don't think they look anything alike.
Plus she's got a strange way of dealing with other people's money.
Just what are you saying? You're a cheat, that's what I'm saying.
You're a low-down, no-good cheat.
Oh, is that right? That's right! That's your daughter you're talking to, Holling.
Go on say it, you big hick.
You overgrown hillbilly.
You miserable excuse of a man! Why, I ought to Go on, go on! You've been wanting to give me a knot on my head for a long time.
Take your best shot! Go on, do it! What are you, chicken? I I'm sorry.
What a wimp.
Here you go, Princess.
Some nice tasty mealworms to fatten you up for your journey.
Oh, I never really seen one of these cranes up close, you know.
It's true, they really look at you like they're reading your mind, you know? What do you think, Princess, any birds in my past lives? You know, Chris, I remember when I used to feed her mashed worms with a turkey baster when she was just a baby right here in the palm of my hand.
How'd you guys meet up again? Oh, I was down at the lagoon collecting mosquitoes for my extensive collection and there were a bunch of cranes there and she just came right on over.
Good vibes.
Yep.
Then I tried to get her to leave, but she wouldn't go away.
Like she thought I was her mother, or something.
And now on every migration, she just stops by for a visit.
Like a cross-species thing, huh? You know, that guy down in Pensacola he fell in love with a dolphin.
I don't know if he tied the knot but he bought some beachfront property, and, you know she kept her last name.
Hey, look, Ed, we got some company.
Come here, birdy, come here! Hey, big fella! Flap those big wings on over here.
Come here, we got some fresh mealworms for you! No, Chris, don't encourage him.
Why not? Well look at the way he's looking at her.
What way is that, Ed? Well, he's giving her the eye.
No kidding.
You can tell that? You can't? No, not really.
Are you sure? Yeah.
She's too young to go steady, Chris.
Well, I don't know, Ed.
That Romeo over there doesn't think so.
I mean, it's got to happen sometime, you know.
All these birds are flying by two-by-two and Princess here is all alone.
Well, that's true.
Don't be shy, girl.
That guy just needs a little encouragement.
Come on.
Nope.
See, she won't go.
Well, a girl can't be too picky these days.
Cranes mate for life, Chris.
Yeah, big commitment for a first date.
Oh, yes.
Make a mistake, you get into divorce lawyers, community property.
It's a mess.
Chris in the morning on KBHR.
Got a couple of billboard items here from the KBHR billboard.
Ravioli workshop at the Theosophy Society this weekend bring your own ravi-roller.
Steelhead are running on the upper fork of the Chuckamuck.
Ooh, that's exciting.
Greg George wants everybody to know his wife Jenny is recovering quite nicely after their blowout.
Guess everybody probably knows by now our avian brothers are back to roost on the first leg of their annual sojourn south.
Why them and not us? Maybe it's because us humans are meant to be rooted in one spot.
West Virginia nice autumn day, just like this one.
It was like a genetic calling.
Every fiber of my being was saying, "Chris, follow the sun.
" But did I listen? No.
Couple of weeks later I'm pinched for boosting records with the Joy King.
They slapped this sorry bird in a cage with no swing and no window.
Now here I am, many miles, many years later an alleged free man facing another cold, cold, bitter winter.
Am I heading south? Am I following the sun? No, I'm not.
Is this glass radio booth, any less of a cage? Here's one from me.
Hey, Ed.
What's up? Chris, I don't know what to do.
Well, join the club.
I mean, I tried to be a good influence to Princess.
I raised her the best way I knew how.
Gave her everything she needed mashing her insects, keeping her warm.
And when she went and flew south with the rest of her flock well, I figured my job was complete.
Well, it is.
You know, you did a fine job.
She's an excellent bird.
No, I don't think so, Chris.
She's all confused.
She doesn't know who she is.
You were right.
She should be mated right now.
She should have a family of her own.
What does she do? Follows me around.
Well, Ed, maybe she's just a late bloomer.
This morning, I tried to fix it up between her and the guy bird.
Mmm-hmm.
Dug some fresh worms lured him over to her.
What'd she do? Turns up her nose.
Couldn't relate at all.
Hmm.
Yeah, you know what I'm afraid of? She's gonna end up a lonely geek just like Liza Minelli.
In The Sterile Cuckoo.
Oh, oh.
Yeah.
Did you try the crane dance? Crane dance? Yeah, it's an ancient Indian ritual.
It is? Oh, yeah.
Indians like yourself do it all the time.
We have? Yeah.
Ed, you gotta You gotta get your bird up, and you gotta dance with her, you know.
You gotta flip the switch on her hormonal motor, you know? Chris, I never heard of that.
Ed, she will be strutting her stuff so fast that Romeo won't know what hit him, man, believe me.
Hmm.
Yeah, come in.
Joel? Hey, Holling.
You wanted to see me? Yeah.
Come on in.
Grab a seat.
Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? No, I'm fine, Joel.
Okay.
Well, I just wanted to, you know check in, see how things are going.
I mean, you've had some pretty traumatic changes in your life, huh? Well, yes.
I appreciate that, Joel.
And the truth is, it's been very unnerving.
And you were absolutely right.
I mean, Jackie is a true Vincoeur, through and through.
And her presence here has confirmed my worst fears about our lineage.
She drinks to excess, she smokes, she cusses she gambles, and I believe she cheats.
And she's no good for Shelly.
She's a terrible influence on her.
I mean, Shelly came home in the wee hours she was stinking of bourbon and tobacco and Shelly doesn't smoke.
And I know what she's doing.
I can't altogether blame her for it.
I mean, she's trying to get back at me for being sterile.
Or not sterile.
Or Well, you know what I mean.
Yeah, actually it's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.
What is it, Joel? Well, I've been discussing your case with some andrologists Back East.
Now, these are specialists in the field and we all find this rather compelling.
I mean, you're diagnosed as sterile and then you sire a child.
It's you know, it's a confusing situation.
Yes, it is.
Well, with your cooperation, I'd like to explore your case a little further.
Well, I appreciate that, Joel.
Excellent.
That's exactly what I was hoping you were going to say.
Now first thing we're gonna need is a sample.
Come again? No, once'll be sufficient.
We need to look at some of your sperm.
Sperm? Yeah.
Just head on in there and relax, and we'll see what's what.
You mean Right.
You want me to Yeah.
Oh, no, Joel.
I I don't do I can't.
Hey, Holling, it's not a problem.
Look.
I've got some Penthouses here.
We got, December, November.
Don't worry about it.
Good luck.
Joel.
Yeah, Holling? This may take a while.
Take as long as you need.
Okay, that balances.
Vienna sausages.
We used to eat these things till they were oozing out our ears.
You and your mom? No, me and my two kids.
Oh.
Of course, they're grown now.
They're into the long con.
Aluminum siding, pyramid sales.
Excuse me.
Can I help you girls find anything? Oh, no, thanks.
We're just window shopping.
Take your time.
So, let me ask you something, hon.
What about Holling? How does he do at The Brick? You mean money-wise? For starters, yeah.
Well, okay, I guess.
Like, how much? Well, I really don't know.
After I lost $4,000 on the Home Shopping Network I told him he better keep the keys to the bank.
$4,000.
That's real cash.
He works a lot of hours.
Squirrels it away, does he? I'll say.
Maybe he's not as slow as he looks.
I think I'll pick him up these kipper snacks.
He loves them on saltines with mustard.
Let me, hon.
Thanks, Jackie.
My pleasure.
Could I have change for this $20, please? Oh, sure.
A tenner, two fives okay? Yeah, fine.
There you are.
Oh, thanks.
Can I have some singles, please? Oh, certainly.
Okay.
Here we go.
That's one, two, three, four, five.
I gave you $10.
Did you? Yes.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Will $5 be okay? Mmm-hmm, fine.
You know what? Here take these singles, and give me back the $10.
Wait a minute.
Here, take the $5.
Let's start all over again.
Give me back my $20, and I'd like these kippers, please.
Here.
I'm sorry.
I just lost track for a moment.
It happens.
Thanks.
Come on, Shel, let's hit it.
Bye, Ruth-Anne.
Bye, dear.
Jackie did you just pull a fast one on Ruth-Anne? Oh, of course not.
Here's the Chief's kippers.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Whirlwind.
It's Maggie! Hello, Maggie.
How are you today? Fine, thank you.
How's the fall pickling coming? Done cabbage yesterday.
Put up 50 quarts this year.
Now that's a lot of cabbage.
You had a good season.
Gonna do beets tomorrow.
Pickled beets.
Those are my favorite.
You know, Mrs.
Whirlwind, the past couple of days I've been showing Marilyn some properties around town.
Yes, I know.
And she hasn't really liked anything I've shown her and I've shown her some really nice properties and I'm beginning to run out of ideas.
She's hard to please.
No, see, I don't think she wants another house.
I think she likes this house.
I don't think she really wanted to leave in the first place.
She's not coming back.
Are you sure? Yes.
She feels she has no say here.
Well, you don't think you two could have a mother-daughter talk? You know, work things through, iron out your differences make some new ground rules maybe.
It's too late.
Why? I'm selling my house.
You're selling your house? But Mrs.
Whirlwind, you and your family have lived here for years.
With Marilyn gone, we feel we don't need such a big place.
We're getting an Airstream near my sister.
We use a number of parameters to evaluate a sperm sample, okay? There's density, morphology, motility, viscosity and volume.
Jackie's everything I feared, and more.
She's my worst nightmare come to haunt me.
You gave me a nice, hefty ejaculate, Holling.
Very impressive.
Five cc's.
In the highest range of the volume spectrum.
Especially for a man your age.
And your semen liquefied immediately, which means that your viscosity is fine.
And worst of all, she'll ruin Shelly.
All that childlike innocence and beauty will vanish.
As you will see, your density rules out azoospermia which is the absence of sperm, or even oligospermia, which is a reduced presence.
Now, that's what would've happened had there been damage from your post-pubertal onset of mumps.
Maybe it's too late.
Maybe it's happened already.
So this left me with morphology and motility which is the shape and the movement of the sperm, and that is where your problem lies.
I'm telling you, Joel, the damage is done.
Once a Vincoeur gets his claws into you it's over.
You're finished.
Holling.
Holling, I'm talking to you about your ejaculate.
My what? Your sperm.
Come here.
Have a seat.
Feast your eyes.
This is the focus right here.
Those are my sperm? That is the marshalling of your genetic forces awaiting the call to battle.
They look all bent and broken.
They look like General Robert E.
Lee's troops after the Battle of Gettysburg.
Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? I mean, every man has some abnormally shaped sperm, anywhere to 50%.
But yours are, like, abnormally abnormal.
Shouldn't they be moving around? Absolutely.
And with vigor.
I mean, when you think of the distance that a sperm has to travel in the woman it's comparable to me jogging from midtown Manhattan to Miami Beach.
Well, why do these little buggers look so tuckered out? Well, my best guess is It's a condition called varicocele, okay? Now, in layman's terms, what it means is that your testicles are too hot.
See, the scrotum is a very sophisticated thermal regulator.
It's designed to keep the semen at a constant 93 degrees.
Now, normally it does it's job but when you get too much blood flowing from the abdomen as I think it does in your case the gonads overheat, and the semen, in essence, is cooked.
Well, then, why did Jackie happen? Well, this is what I'm getting at.
Take another look.
What am I supposed to be looking at here, Joel? The upper left-hand quadrant, swimming to your right.
Oh, my gosh, that's an active little devil.
Right? Wiggling around to beat of the band.
That's the guy, Holling, that's him.
One in a million.
Now, one guy just like that fertilized the egg, and that is how you got Jackie.
One in a million.
Yeah.
Oh, my Shelly those ambrosia salads are very pretty.
Can I get you some more whipped topping? Okay.
Here are two cans.
Thanks.
Hope I didn't put too many marshmallows in it again this time.
Oh, no.
Shelly, your ambrosia salads are one of the most popular items on our menu.
Many of the customers, on several occasions, have commented to me on their appreciation of your fine salads.
Really? Oh, yes.
Shelly, sweetheart please you've got to forgive me.
You've just got to understand how very sorry I am.
I couldn't live inside my own skin if I thought that you thought I could ever mean to cause you suffering.
But I've known how much you wanted to have babies some day and I was afraid that if I told you about my sterility that you would no longer think of me as a manly man and one day I would wake up in the morning, and you'd be gone.
Yeah, I know.
You know? Sure.
But you're not shooting blanks, so, no sweat.
It's just, poor Jackie.
Poor Jackie? When I think about her growing up dadless not even knowing who her real father was.
I mean, my dad used to take a vacation from the trailer from time to time but he was there when I got my ears pierced and he was there when I totaled Tammy's GTO.
Then there's Jackie.
Alone.
But still, she's a piece of bad news, Holling.
Jackie? I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly but your little girl wrote the book.
Yeah? Jackie? Who is it? Holling.
May I come in? Door's open.
I'd like a word with you, Jackie.
Shoot, Chief.
Get your shoes off the bedspread, turn off the music and don't call me Chief.
Whoa.
What bee flew in your fly? Jackie, a man dreams of having children.
Well, most men do, anyway.
A son who will carry his name take his place in the world, and a daughter.
And here you are, my child my daughter, big as life.
Got that part right.
Jackie, I would like to have given you a home.
To have provided for your needs to have taken my rightful place as your father but as you know, I never knew you existed.
Frankly, meeting you was a tremendous blow.
Cut to the chase, Chief.
I wanted to deny you, Jackie, to reject you.
But that's changed.
I accept you.
I recognize you as my own and I want you to leave.
Now.
What? I look at you, my daughter, and I feel nothing towards you.
Nothing parental nothing familial.
Nothing.
I'm like an empty bottle, with just a few bitter drops of venom inside.
Tell me something.
Why did you come back here, Jackie? What do you want from me? Money.
Money? Is that all? I'm a Vincoeur.
You know what that makes me.
How much? Wait till you see this one, Marilyn.
It's two stories insulated garage for your ostriches, big garden.
Sun? Mmm-hmm, plenty.
And wait till you see the kitchen.
It's big and bright and there's a built-in microwave, and walk-in pantry.
Does it have a root cellar? Mmm-hmm.
A big one.
My mother's house? Yeah.
It is.
Looks smaller than I remember.
She's selling it? Mmm-hmm.
Pretty much in your price range, too.
Needs painting.
Yeah, but it's a great location.
Railing's wobbly.
We can fix that.
Couple of nails.
Well, what do you think, Marilyn? I'll take it.
Good.
Enough hot water for your bath, Shelly? Steeped like a tea bag.
I'll be down in a minute, hon.
I just can't do anything with my hair.
Oh, there's no need to rush.
It's a slow one tonight.
Or maybe it just feels nice and easy with that Jackie gone.
How's this? Very pretty.
Shows your clean little ears.
Maybe I should just chop it off.
Sassy says short's in for fall.
Oh, no, Shelly, don't do that.
I like your hair just the way it is.
The way it gets in my teeth and tickles my nose.
Maybe just goose up the highlights a bit.
Streak it electric blue.
You know, Dave could probably handle the dinner traffic downstairs.
It's chili night.
There's not much grill work.
What have you got on your mind, Holling Vincoeur? Oh, well, I don't know.
I know a couple of things that would keep your grill sizzling.
Why don't you take a seat right over there? Why don't you come sit with me? Okay.
Here I come, my big teddy bear.
Oh, Shelly Mmm, you smell so good.
It's called Palomino.
I like it.
It's been a long time, hasn't it? Three whole days.
Just a second, babe.
This is for you.
"Johnny's Raincoat"? It's the candy-striped kind.
But, Shelly, we've never used condoms before.
Well, we never knew about Jackie before.
True.
I like your new house, Marilyn.
Thank you.
I mean, it's It's a lot like your old house, only Different.
Right.
Yeah.
I mean different.
More potatoes? Oh, yeah, please.
These are actually quite delicious.
There's salt butter nutmeg, maybe? Salt.
It's funny that a lot of people actually associate potatoes with the Irish.
Potato soup, Potato Famine.
They're a New World discovery.
Yeah.
It was the Peruvian Indians that introduced potatoes to the Spanish.
Did you know that? Yes, I did, Fleischman.
I remember Mr.
Gerber's biology class.
We had this fish tank in the middle of the classroom and the man would stick his hand in, up to his elbow, and pull it out, covered with algae.
Now, this was just to get a rise out of the girls.
Never forget my first dissection.
Any of you ever dissect a frog? I like frog.
Breaded with paprika.
Yeah.
Tastes just like chicken.
You feel that, Ed? What? Winter.
It's a while away, man, but I can tell it's coming.
I can smell it.
I can almost take a bite out of it, likes it's a steel bar.
You can kind of taste it.
Yeah.
Same thing every year, you know.
I can tell it's coming, man.
It just makes me wanna run book it south.
It's like an instinct.
Hey, why don't you winter down south in Florida like those old folks in Cocoon? I guess I'll weather out a few more winters here you know, like the song says - Shh! There she is, Princess.
Just like you said.
Come on.
Don't move too fast, or you'll spook her.
How you doing, doll face? You got your party dress on? It's time for this gal to fly with the guys, Ed.
Yeah, I know.
What do we do now? Well, Ed, now we dance.
How? With abandon.