Northern Exposure s05e03 Episode Script
Jaws of Life
What's going on in there? The door's locked.
Yeah, Ed, I know the door's locked.
I locked it myself.
Is that mine? Oh, yeah.
All the way from Germany.
Leipzig? Good.
Yeah.
- Ruth-Anne wanted me to ask you if she could have the stamps.
- Will you look at that.
Eyes! Wow! Ed, come here.
I wanna show you something here.
Remember, this is absolutely top secret.
Arthur, the eyes have come.
Look just like the real thing.
Yes.
Jerry certainly does know his way around an ocular prosthesis, doesn't he? - Maurice, it's you.
- Ed, this is Arthur Prabnanda.
He's come all the way over from London, England to cast me in wax.
Hello, Ed.
Wow.
I've been selected to stand in Madame Tussaud's museum, the most famous wax museum in the world.
Me, Ross Perot, Bob Abplanalp and Akio Morita.
He was the founder of the Sony Corporation.
It's called "Rugged Individualists of the 20th Century.
" Maurice? Is this your body? Well, it will be with a few modifications.
We've gotta beef up these pectorals here, lose some of that suet around the middle.
This used to be, uh, Marshall Tito.
Oh? Almost ready with the eyes, sir.
Half a tick.
It's the, uh, iris buttons that bring it to life.
Wow! Note the light, how it reflects.
- Hand painted, you see.
- Wow.
Ready? Good morning.
Hey, Marva! Heads-up day.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Well, if you want, you can ride on it.
I don't know.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Danette, totally cool do.
Thanks, Miss Tambo.
Mom did it for me.
Cool.
Hey, Mag.
What ya got there? Hey.
Look.
I have flannel.
I'm gonna make sheets and a nightgown.
And I can make the pooper nappies with the ends.
Oh, he'll dig it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, man, the dentist.
He's back already? Again? Oh, no.
I gotta go.
See ya.
Yeah, bye.
Hey, Shelly! Hey, Doc Summer.
Long time no see.
I see you got one in the oven.
Um, yeah, but he doesn't have teeth yet.
Make sure you come in now.
Pregnancy's tough on the dentine.
Sure thing, Doc Summer.
Uh-huh.
Take an Epsom soak and call me in the morning.
Bye.
Hey, Marilyn.
Fleischman wants to see me.
He's in Paylo this week.
School immunizations.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, uh, I'll see him when he gets back.
He left this for you.
What? - Your pills.
- My pills? What pills? Hydrochlorothiazide.
For blood pressure.
My blood pressure? It's very high- 170 over 100.
Oh, yeah.
He, uh, said something to me about that at the blood drive.
It's a silent killer.
Untreated, it can lead to renal failure, heart failure, stroke.
Well, that's no problem for the Stevens males, Marilyn, 'cause we generally putt out about 40.
That's why- the silent killer.
- High blood pressure.
- It's genetic.
What are you saying? That, uh, the old man, Uncle Roy, Gramps, they checked out 'cause of high blood pressure? - Uh-huh.
- Wait a second here.
If I take these pills, I don't check out at 40- I get to live as long as everybody else? Two times a day.
Morning and night.
Well, this is very exciting.
This is unbelievably exciting, Marilyn.
Chris Stevens gets a reprieve.
Midnight phone call from the governor.
Thank you.
See you.
Okay.
He doesn't look bad, does he? Coming along pretty well.
What do you think, Arthur? I can't take all the credit, sir.
But with these jowls and those hooded eyes, you translate beautifully into wax.
Now, Dizzy- Dizzy Gillespie.
There's one knackered me.
The cheeks.
You did Dizzy? That man could blow a horn.
Oh, lovely chap.
Passed away six months on.
But we have him up for all the world to see- cheeks, trumpet and all.
And there he'll be, won't he? Would you mind lifting your chin a little bit to the light, sir? Oh, yeah.
It's like that, uh, Rodin Museum in Paris.
The Musée Rodin.
All those sculptures all over the place.
Man caught for time immemorial.
Well, in a way.
But you see, Rodin expressed his own soul through his creations.
We keep ours to ourselves.
Huh? A trick of the eye.
The body, without the soul, so to speak.
Oh, I never thought of it that way.
That was rule one at Harrington and Smythe.
They haven't come to see you.
They've come to see their loved ones.
Harrington and Smythe? Second largest mortuary in South England.
Mortuary? You're-You're an undertaker? That's how I got my start.
I was team leader at the Leeds soccer riots.
Forty-four bony facial reconstructions.
A bloody mess, I can tell you.
- And then you, uh, bailed out? - Fact is one can't expect to make this kind of dosh being an undertaker.
Ah.
The, uh, chin, sir? Oh, yeah.
Two pies of the day.
Karo Syrup, hickory nuts.
I threw in some brickle to give it some crunch.
Yum.
Double yum.
Well, look who's here.
- Hey, Big John.
- Hi.
John, the dentist? Mm-hmm.
Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Mean Mr.
Tooth Decay.
You'll do just fine, Shelly.
Why, haven't you been flossing and brushing regularly ever since you found those eight cavities last time? What do you know about it? You've never even had a measly cavity.
Nobody's drilled into your pearly whites till the pain came out your toes.
Well, that's true.
The Vincoeur men have always been blessed with uncommonly strong chompers.
Evening, folks.
Hi, Doc Summer.
Bye, Doc Summer.
Gotta top off those mustards.
- Hi,John.
- Hey, guys.
How's the retail trade these days? Good.
Well, great.
Say, take my seat, Dr.
Summer.
I gotta get going.
Thanks, Ed.
Sweets.
I know I shouldn't eat 'em.
- Hey, live it up once in a while, right? - Mmm.
Well, they came with the dinner special.
Oh, good heavens, look at the time.
Why, I've got to run.
Probably thinks we're gonna crown that number two bicuspid of hers.
She's right too.
Hey, Buns? You want a brew? Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Carla.
T- minus 10, we're gonna cut out of here over to Dripping Springs, hook up with Mark and Jenn.
We're gonna ride today, baby.
Oh, great.
Last night, I gotta tell you, Chris.
When you passed those piggyback semi's over that double-solid yellow.
Seven thousand R.
P.
M.
's, still had some.
Yeah.
You grab me that 7/16, please? Yeah.
That's the whole thing with a hog, you know.
It's you and 80 wild horses under your butt.
You're sitting on 10 square inches, where the rubber meets the road.
You got hurricane gale winds just whipping you in the face.
Leaning into a curve, you can feel that gravity just wanting to suck you down into it.
Yeah.
And what do you do? Give it a little more gas.
You're feeding off of pure centrifugal force and chutzpah.
I mean, you can see yourself just hurtling ass end over tea kettle into oblivion.
I forgot these last night.
I gotta get into a rhythm with this stuff.
What do ya got there? Nothing,just some pills.
You're okay, aren't you? You're not sick or anything? What? No! I'm not sick, no! I never felt better in my life.
Okay.
Then I'll just slide into my leathers.
I'll be out in two shakes and we can hit the road.
Uh, Carla? Is it cool if we just shine this today? No? How come, hon? I don't know, you know.
I'm just not into it.
Oh, okay.
Maybe I can hitch a ride with Bo then? Yeah, that sounds good.
Arthur, in my mind, that is one hell of an artistic achievement.
I, uh, tricked the line between the zygomatic arch and malar eminence with my number-two stipple.
- Came off all right, didn't it? - If I gave him my car keys, I believe he'd want to take a drive.
Well, that about does it for me.
London, old boy.
Oh, Arthur.
Which twin has the tony? Well, have a good trip, Arthur.
Mr.
Minnifield.
Bye.
Well, here we are, my friend, just you and me.
Welcome, friends.
Welcome.
Come right in.
Wouldn't miss this for a sleigh ride, Maurice.
It isn't every day one of us gets cast in wax.
Yeah, Maurice, where is he? Where's the wax- Whoa! Holy fajita! You know, at Our Lady of Visitation High, we had the three wise men and Mary at the manger, but never anybody we knew.
Well, I'll be.
It is you, Maurice.
Yep.
It's flawless, isn't it? Well, that's one way of putting it.
Just look at that.
Maurice, they have got you right down to yourJohnston and Murphy's.
And those glass eyes, they look so lifelike.
You know, they make 'em out of acrylic now.
It's much easier maintenance on the sockets.
Mike Yupaw had a glass eye.
He'd drop it in your beer at keggers.
You'd take a big gulp, and there it'd be, staring back.
They do seem to follow you around the room, don't they? Don't they, though.
- What about the rug, Maurice? Is it real? - Uh-uh-uh! Shelly, don't- Don't touch.
Uh, dear, uh, this is going to be in a museum.
Thousands of people a day will be trooping past it.
We wouldn't want everybody pawing it now, would we? Oh.
It's actually much more delicate than it looks.
It's, uh-The head is made of paraffin and beeswax.
- The way they do it is they take a life mask of your face.
- What's that? They clean your face off real good, and then cover your whole head in plaster.
Is that a fact? Uh-huh.
They put straws up your nose so you can breathe.
Clever, huh? Mmm.
Then, after the plaster hardens, they make the mold.
They pour in wax, let that sit.
And then, voilá.
I smell meat.
Is that meat, Maurice? Uh, yeah, Shelly.
That's crown roast.
It smells delicious.
Let's chow! Pooper's starting to growl.
Good idea.
Oh, you people brought your appetites, huh? Well, that's good.
You, uh, work on those hors d'oeuvres, I'll go see to the dinner.
Hey, Dave.
How about a hot cocoa to go? Oh! What happened to you? Him.
Dr.
John? Ripped out four of my wisdom teeth by the roots.
Now he wants to do a gingivectomy.
Ouch.
Wow.
Feel better.
Hot cocoa, okay? Thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
Well, I'm Maggie O'Connell.
You must be Dr.
John Summer.
We've never actually met.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, listen.
I know you're eating dinner.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
No problem.
I usually see my dentist when I go home to Grosse Pointe for the holidays.
That's where I'm from- Michigan.
But my parents got divorced, so I didn't go home this holiday.
So you need to see a dentist.
Well, I would have come to see you in the first place.
It's just that- I'm sure you're very good.
I- I-I-Well, that's what they say, you know.
They say, Dr.
John, he's good.
He's very good.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, I-I just have this little filling.
I think maybe it fell out, maybe part of my tooth too.
I did this crunch and sometimes it hurts.
So what about tomorrow morning, say about 8:00? You-You could work me in that fast? Sure.
I think I can squeeze you in.
Wow.
Well, that's great.
Okay, I'll see you then.
Okay, see you then.
Bye.
All right.
I'm constantly bombarded with proposals, you know.
Say things like, uh, oh, endorse this, autograph that, underwrite, uh, everything from, uh, little Bolivian orphans' fund or esoteric disease you can name.
May I trouble you for another one of those rolls? Oh, of course, Holling.
There you go.
Thank you.
Anyway, this was, uh, more than just an 8-by-10 glossy.
I mean, this was the whole shooting match.
They wanted the entire Maurice Minnifield, you might say.
So I says to myself,uh, "Minnifield,you better do this.
" Being a modern American icon is what you pay for being you.
Kind ofjust looms there, doesn't it? Yeah, it's imposing, all right.
It's like he's trying to look down my dress or something.
Or read over your shoulder.
Kinda want him to blink at least once in a while, don't ya? It's eerie.
It's so lifelike, but it's so frozen.
Creepsville.
No, it's not.
It's nothing of the kind.
- Maybe he's hungry.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, have a seat, Chuck.
- What do you say, Maurice? Think he might enjoy a slice of meat? What do you say, fella? Don't talk to it! It's not here to be a butt of your jokes! Maurice, we're just horsing around.
Yeah, we all think he's a fine statue, Maurice.
I- I'm sorry.
It's, uh- Well, it's been a very long and trying day.
Please, uh, eat, uh, drink and enjoy yourselves.
We're having mulberry crisp for dessert.
Up and at 'em, Cicely.
Rise and shine.
Time to haul butt out of those racks, pull on the uniform of the day and spiff up the A.
O.
Yours truly, MauriceJ.
Minnifield, at the desk, pulling relief for Chris Stevens who as of 0700 this a.
m.
is A.
W.
O.
L.
Not so much as a phone call.
Where I'm from, that's an article 15- two weeks reduction in pay and restriction to post.
You want to buck it, Stevens, this leatherneck would be more than happy to pull you in for a section eight.
Now then, on to the business of the day.
Let's see.
Here's one from Dr.
John Summers.
He's offering a two-for-one deal on porcelain filling replacements.
Special this week.
Now, you can't be too good to your teeth, people.
Take it from me.
They're the only ones you have.
As for myself, of course, I get my teeth done once a year in Switzerland, where they put you right out and you don't feel a wince of pain.
I'm sure Dr.
John will do you folks just fine.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Is that wide enough? You'd be more comfortable if you'd just relax a little bit and try and breathe through your nose.
I'm relaxed, really.
Okay? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Hmm.
What? What's wrong? There's the tooth, but there's a little cavity next door.
Oh, no, you're kidding.
Are you sure? Yeah.
There's a little crack in this molar here.
Any sensitivity? Oh,just a little.
Okay, take it easy.
Take it easy.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
I know.
I know.
Hey, Maurice? Maurice, I know you're P.
O.
'd.
I don't blame you.
Look, I just wanna explain one thing.
I want to-Whoa.
About time you showed up, Stevens.
You had me going here, Maurice.
I thought this was you for a sec.
Never mind that.
Got something for you here.
Oh, yeah? What's this? It's a pink slip and two weeks' severance pay.
You're history.
You're firing me? Yeah.
I'm tired of the artsy-fartsy excuses you always come up with.
I'm done with it.
Now there's one rule at K-Bear- no dead air.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's great.
That's perfect, Maurice.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
You brought it on yourself, son.
Yeah, didn't I? Didn't I? I brought it all on myself.
I brought the whole thing on myself.
I screwed up a lot in my life, Maurice, okay? But this hole here, this hole is so big and dark and wide, I couldn't crawl out of it if you gave me a thousand years, man.
What the hell are you raving about? What hole? The hole.
Maurice, the hole.
The hole that I've dug, the one that's filled with spiders and parking tickets gone to warrant, and bad credit, collection agencies and a liver that is as big as a watermelon already, I'm sure.
Is something wrong with you, son? Are you okay? That's a good one, Maurice.
Very funny.
Yeah, I'm okay.
I'm so okay that I'm gonna live another thousand years- forever! Look, you've lost me.
Oh, I have.
Let me make it clear for you, Maurice, 'cause it's real simple.
I got high blood pressure, okay? I got some medication.
I take these.
These little babies are gonna let me live another 40 years! Well, that sounds like good news to me! You don't understand.
I'm not prepared to pull that kind of time on planet X, Maurice.
Don't you get it? I'm Chris Stevens, man.
I'm supposed to be D.
O.
A.
at 40 like the rest of the Stevens men.
That was my plan, such as it was.
Now, I got all these more years, and I'm facing a logistical nightmare.
- A what? - Maurice, look, when I saw a bridge, I burned it.
Okay? Parking ticket? Threw it in the gutter.
A bar tab? I left town.
See ya.
I thought by the time this all catches up with me, I'm gonna be dead.
Now, I got a T.
R.
W.
that looks like a rap sheet and I never even filed my taxes, Maurice.
That's okay.
Those S.
O.
B.
's get too much of our dough, anyway.
Not because I'm a libertarian.
I just didn't do it.
Uh- Hey, no big deal.
Who cares? So what? Right? Hmm.
Well, you're gonna need a good lawyer and a good tax accountant.
We'll, uh, set up the payment schedule for you- Stop! You don't get it.
Okay.
Look, forget it.
I'm out of here.
I'll see you later.
You don't get it.
Boy, that is one troubled puppy.
Yeah, I realize I'm in another time zone.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
It's Alaskan standard.
Uh-huh.
No, no, no.
It's 10 hours difference.
Yes, that's right.
Yeah, no- Now, look.
Mrs.
Burke Whimpley, when will the people who know about picking up the statue be in? Uh-huh.
Good.
Oh, right.
I'll try to get 'em then.
Thank you.
Yeah, uh, cheerio to you too.
So, I asked him.
I said, "Where'd you get that tie, Dave?" And he said you gave it to him.
And I said, " That's funny.
That looks just like the tie I gave Maurice for his birthday.
" You know I looked in an awful lot of catalogs for that tie, Maurice.
It cost me a lot of money.
Well, maybe not a lot of money for you, but still- What are you doing, Ed? Sweeping the carpets, Maurice.
No, you're talking to that statue.
Your statue.
Yeah, I guess I was.
Look, Ed.
If you've got something to say, you say it to me.
You got that? Okay, Maurice.
But, uh- But what? Well, it's just that he's a little easier to talk to.
The statue? Well, he doesn't throw my thoughts off like you do sometimes.
I don't throw your thoughts off, son! What are you talking about? Well, kind of like now, Maurice.
I'm not in the business of throwing people's thoughts off, is that clear? And another thing, I don't want you talking to this thing like it's me.
This is not me, savvy? This is me.
I know, Maurice.
But there's some of you in there.
Hey, Chris.
How's it going, bud? Going? It ain't going anywhere, Mike.
How's it going with you? Okay.
How's it going with Cheryl and the little rug rats? They okay too? What have you got now, like five? I guess you never heard of the population explosion, huh? Chris, I- Keep popping 'em out like rabbits though, don't you? With your little rec room over there and your term life insurance.
I'll bet you're all happy as peas in a pod, huh? Hey, Stevens, we all know your ship's adrift, but Mike didn't cut the rope.
Well, well, Earl Brunius- Mr.
Crock Pot.
Got your " tomaters" all canned there, Earl? How about the okra, is that up yet? Do me a favor this year, pal.
Leave me off the list.
'Cause I got beets from last year and the year before that.
Oh, man.
You know what you are, Earl? You're a little, tiny, busy ant.
You too, Mike.
Shut up, Stevens.
Oh, the ant speaketh.
Both you guys, with your- with your mortgages and your term life insurance and your Weber kettles.
Ant.
Ant.
All of you.
You're all a bunch of little busy blind ants, all you all.
Saving up for your rainy days.
Scratching up your acorns for the winter.
You look at me, and you think, what a piece of pathetic trash out there in that leaky trailer, huh? No spoon, no forks, no prospects.
But you know why? Because I'm a grasshopper.
That's right.
A grasshopper.
Ant.
Grasshopper.
Ant.
Grasshopper.
Ant.
Grasshopper.
Ant.
Grasshopper.
Ant.
I wish you hadn't done that, Chris.
Ant.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to 86 you.
You're throwing me out? What are you, nuts? Keep your butt out of here until you settle down some, grasshopper.
A little warm tryptophan to help me get to sleep.
My apnea is acting up a little bit.
Little breathing irregularity.
Nothing serious.
What is that? Is that a mole? Hmm.
Better have that looked at.
Well, it won't be long until they have you on display.
People looking at you all day, judging you, judging me.
Why'd he make your eyes like that? They're so sad, like you're lonely.
People would line up across Alaska to stand in my shoes.
Yeah.
But here I am, standing talking to you.
To tell you the truth, you're starting to get on my nerves.
Hello, everybody.
It's Chris in the Morning on K-Bear.
Well, actually, I guess it's Ed in the Morning.
Me and Maurice will be filling in for Chris until Maurice can find a new deejay on account of Chris getting canned.
Let's see what's on the bulletin board this morning.
Not a thing.
I did see a sign hanging on Mrs.
Johnson's fence on the way to work this morning saying as how her calico cat had had kittens.
If you're interested, stop by.
I understand the mother's quite a mouser.
Something I've been wondering about lately- mirrors, you know.
You hold two of them facing each other.
And what's on 'em? I don't know.
If you have any ideas, feel free to give me a call.
I guess I'll play a song right now.
Almost there.
Just a little more.
Okay.
That's it.
Can I get you to rinse for me, please? Wow.
Really, we're done? Uh-huh.
That's amazing.
I didn't feel a thing.
All I have to do is mix up some amalgam, fill the hole in that tooth, and you're out of here.
Wow.
You know, you're a great dentist.
When you shook my cheek like that- Did they teach you that in dental school or did you come up with that? 'Cause it totally distracted me from the needle.
Truly, I think this is the best dental experience in my whole life.
Bar none.
You know what I think? I think you're an artist.
You're masterful.
- Uh-huh.
- You're firm, yet sensitive.
I felt like you were with me the whole way.
- Would you please stop that? - What? Flattering me.
Don't you hear yourself? You're fawning all over me.
- And you don't mean a word of it.
- I don't? Nobody does.
Why can't you just treat me like a real person, huh? Why does everybody have to fear me and suck up to me? Who do you think I am? A prison guard? The high school principal? Well- All I'm looking for is a little human interaction.
Is that so much to ask from you people? That's what Robert always says to me.
Robert? Robert Matt.
He's my hairdresser in Anchorage.
He says I kiss up to him so he won't give me a bad haircut.
Oh, God.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I mean, it's just thoughtless and insincere.
I do do that, I guess.
I don't know.
It's bad.
I just charm my way through every situation.
I don't care how it affects people.
Now, look, please, I'm- I'm sorry.
That was-That was totally uncalled for.
These are sharp instruments.
You're afraid, and everybody deals with it in their own way.
I'm just gonna mix up some of that amalgam.
Maurice? Come on in, Ed.
I can't eat in peace in here anymore, anyway.
It's a fax from the wax place.
I think you'd better read it.
The museum? It's about time they got off the stick.
When are they gonna come pick that thing up? "Dear Mr.
Minnifield, we regret to inform you that upon review of the upcoming exhibit of which you were to be a part"- "Were to be a part"? "It is the opinion of our directorship that rugged individualists lack sufficient Commonwealth content.
" They're going with Richard Branson, Maurice.
They're eliminating me? He's Virgin Airlines.
He put free video in coach.
They-They can't do this! I mean, I-I've got Newsweek coming.
I've got Stars and Stripes.
I- All right, they'll hear from my attorney.
I'll sue 'em for every shilling they've got.
By the time I get through with them, they'll be using their statues to make votive candles for the mothers of mercy.
I'll close the damn place down.
Maurice, there's good news here too.
Real good.
What? Right here, third paragraph.
"As a gesture of our"- I can read it, Ed.
"As a gesture of our appreciation we would like"- They wanna give it to me.
Well, I don't want it.
- They're not gonna pick it up.
- He's all yours, Maurice.
Evening, Chris.
Hey, Holling.
Shelly thought you might be hungry.
Fixed you a short rib and flaky biscuit takeout.
Oh, well, tell her thanks.
Uh, you mind? No, no.
Been drinking since noon.
Can't even light a buzz.
Yeah, I've been there.
I don't know, Holling.
I don't feel like- I don't feel like doing my art anymore, you know.
I don't feel like riding the hog.
I don't feel like talking on the radio 'cause I got nothing to say.
I had a rhythm going.
You know, I was- I was Chris Stevens, shooting star.
I was blazing across that sky with Hendrix and James Dean, Rimbaud, you know.
I thought I had my ticket punched- the Stevens genes.
At least my old man had the decency to get off the planet.
Now who am I gonna be, hmm? Some guy with a pillbox and a Chevy Lumina? I mean, what's next for me, Holling? An old folks home? Rocking chair, shawl, a respirator? Well- Well, you know, Chris, it may seem it, but it's not necessarily that way.
Right.
No, no, it doesn't have to be.
I mean, when you're talkin' longevity, you just have to pace yourself different, is all.
Husband your resources.
Do I open a Keogh account? Well, it- I know, it'll take a little getting used to, but there's plenty adventure ahead for you, boy.
Take it from me.
Heck, I get a whole lot more nooky now than I ever did as a fellow your age.
Is that right? Well, I don't feel like much of that action either, Holling.
Well, you will, Chris.
You will.
Just give yourself some time is all.
Yeah, some time.
I guess I got all the time I need right now, don't I, Holling? Yeah, well, speaking of that, I'd better get on back.
Shelly will be waiting up for me.
Okay, Holling.
I appreciate it.
Good night, Chris.
Hit me again, Dave.
I was thinking about going home, Maurice.
I'm fishing in the morning.
Home.
It doesn't even seem like my place anymore.
You through with those? Yeah.
What am I supposed to do with that thing, I ask you? Am I supposed to put myself on display in my own living room? My AuntJudy has her portrait hanging above the TV.
Well, this ain't that.
This thing sucks air.
I suppose I could call the Hollywood Wax Museum.
They'd jump at it.
Then I'd be in a sideshow between Bon Jovi and Don Johnson.
A bunch of tourists gawking at me.
Breathing on me.
Why don't you send him back home? To Tulsa? No.
No, the Minnifield Library won't be up and running for another couple of years at least.
What am I supposed to do with it until then? Nail it up into a crate? Put it in my root cellar? And every time I'm kneading bread in the kitchen or enjoying a brandy and a fire in the den, I'll think about that thing down there, staring with its little beady, lifeless eyes.
Like he was buried alive.
Yeah, only worse.
With a dead man, they close his eyes.
So the vultures won't pick 'em.
Hit me again, Dave.
Okay.
Dr.
John? That's me.
John Summer, D.
D.
S.
What are you doing out here? You know where you are, right? Suicide leap.
That jagged rock, it will crack your brain pan, that's for sure.
I just come out for perspective.
It just makes me feel like there's an alternative.
What, is it that bad? Oh, there's nothing wrong.
I- I love dentistry- teeth.
But the alienation, the ostracization, and the way you people lie.
We make a compact.
You people promise to brush, you promise to floss.
But you don't brush, you don't floss.
Well, meet the lowest of the low,John, 'cause I never even showed up, buddy.
What, to the dentist? Yeah, well, once, back in East Wheeling juvie, but that was that or 15 days in the barracks.
Really? You mean to say you've never been to a dentist but once in your life? Going on 31 years now.
I know it's dumb.
I mean, I never took care of'em 'cause I wasn't gonna need 'em.
And now, my worst fears are realized- a 10 grand dentist bill and teeth in a glass.
- Can I see? - What, my teeth? - I just want to look, that's all.
- Okay.
Can you just open a little- Yeah.
Oh.
Hmm.
Interesting.
It's bad, right? I mean, uh, it's pretty awful? John, give it to me.
Rip me a new one, man.
Yell at me.
Tell me straight.
Truthfully, Chris? Yeah.
I'm surprised.
Considering the neglect, there is a remarkable lack of activity in your mouth.
What? I'd want to scale, of course, but I think a couple or three visits, we'd have it well under control.
That's it? Should be.
You don't wanna yank 'em out? You don't want to- I get to keep 'em? Wait a second.
You're just pulling my chain, right? Then you get me in the chair, then out they come, right? No, we'll get you on a maintenance program.
You'd have to be diligent about it.
Yeah, I could do that.
Hell, yeah, I could.
Come on.
What do you say? How about it? What? Right now? Oh, I'm sorry.
What? Oh! I am so self-involved.
You're weren't gonna- You know? Off the cliff? No.
No, no, brother.
Uh, my pills.
I was gonna chuck 'em.
Oh.
I could take a rain check, you know, see how it goes.
What do you say? You want to? - Yeah, come on.
- All right.
Afternoon, Ray! How are you doing, Maurice? Stinks to high heaven out here.
I'm surprised he can do this without a mask.
Ray? He said he likes the smell.
Hmm.
Well, let's get to it.
Maurice, can't I take him? I'd take good care of him.
You could have him back any time you wanted- Christmas, holidays.
I told you no, Ed.
And that's final.
N-O.
Now, let's get him up out of here.
Now, say good-bye to him and good riddance.
Maurice, I'd take good care of him.
I'd dust him, keep him clean and make sure he didn't melt.
Why? So you could use him for a hat rack to entertain your friends? Dress him up in a funny suit? Put a lampshade on him? Well- Forget about it, Ed.
No, he's going where he belongs- on the trash heap.
They don't want him.
I don't want him.
That's all she wrote.
Come on.
Grab his feet.
Got a good grip? Yep.
Forward, ho.
Hey, Cicely,yours truly, Chris Stevens back in your ear.
Thank you, Maurice, for yet another second chance.
If I sound a little strange, it's 'cause I am.
No, actually, I just spent the afternoon in Big John's dental mobile and I got a numb tongue.
Message of the day.
Listen up now 'cause this one's important.
Brush those teeth, eat that roughage, pop those vitamins and wear sensible shoes.
You know, we Homo sapiens carry around a heavy psychic knapsack- consciousness.
And we all know we're gonna be asked to get off the merry-go-round someday.
Best we can do is keep the corpse beautiful, right? And what is the right stuff, anyway? Crossing a double yellow on your hog, or looking a 30-year mortgage flat in the face? The long haul.
I'm gonna need some clean undies.
Got my toothbrush, got my library card.
What'd the man say? Ajourney of a thousand miles begins with the first step, right?
Yeah, Ed, I know the door's locked.
I locked it myself.
Is that mine? Oh, yeah.
All the way from Germany.
Leipzig? Good.
Yeah.
- Ruth-Anne wanted me to ask you if she could have the stamps.
- Will you look at that.
Eyes! Wow! Ed, come here.
I wanna show you something here.
Remember, this is absolutely top secret.
Arthur, the eyes have come.
Look just like the real thing.
Yes.
Jerry certainly does know his way around an ocular prosthesis, doesn't he? - Maurice, it's you.
- Ed, this is Arthur Prabnanda.
He's come all the way over from London, England to cast me in wax.
Hello, Ed.
Wow.
I've been selected to stand in Madame Tussaud's museum, the most famous wax museum in the world.
Me, Ross Perot, Bob Abplanalp and Akio Morita.
He was the founder of the Sony Corporation.
It's called "Rugged Individualists of the 20th Century.
" Maurice? Is this your body? Well, it will be with a few modifications.
We've gotta beef up these pectorals here, lose some of that suet around the middle.
This used to be, uh, Marshall Tito.
Oh? Almost ready with the eyes, sir.
Half a tick.
It's the, uh, iris buttons that bring it to life.
Wow! Note the light, how it reflects.
- Hand painted, you see.
- Wow.
Ready? Good morning.
Hey, Marva! Heads-up day.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Well, if you want, you can ride on it.
I don't know.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Danette, totally cool do.
Thanks, Miss Tambo.
Mom did it for me.
Cool.
Hey, Mag.
What ya got there? Hey.
Look.
I have flannel.
I'm gonna make sheets and a nightgown.
And I can make the pooper nappies with the ends.
Oh, he'll dig it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, man, the dentist.
He's back already? Again? Oh, no.
I gotta go.
See ya.
Yeah, bye.
Hey, Shelly! Hey, Doc Summer.
Long time no see.
I see you got one in the oven.
Um, yeah, but he doesn't have teeth yet.
Make sure you come in now.
Pregnancy's tough on the dentine.
Sure thing, Doc Summer.
Uh-huh.
Take an Epsom soak and call me in the morning.
Bye.
Hey, Marilyn.
Fleischman wants to see me.
He's in Paylo this week.
School immunizations.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, uh, I'll see him when he gets back.
He left this for you.
What? - Your pills.
- My pills? What pills? Hydrochlorothiazide.
For blood pressure.
My blood pressure? It's very high- 170 over 100.
Oh, yeah.
He, uh, said something to me about that at the blood drive.
It's a silent killer.
Untreated, it can lead to renal failure, heart failure, stroke.
Well, that's no problem for the Stevens males, Marilyn, 'cause we generally putt out about 40.
That's why- the silent killer.
- High blood pressure.
- It's genetic.
What are you saying? That, uh, the old man, Uncle Roy, Gramps, they checked out 'cause of high blood pressure? - Uh-huh.
- Wait a second here.
If I take these pills, I don't check out at 40- I get to live as long as everybody else? Two times a day.
Morning and night.
Well, this is very exciting.
This is unbelievably exciting, Marilyn.
Chris Stevens gets a reprieve.
Midnight phone call from the governor.
Thank you.
See you.
Okay.
He doesn't look bad, does he? Coming along pretty well.
What do you think, Arthur? I can't take all the credit, sir.
But with these jowls and those hooded eyes, you translate beautifully into wax.
Now, Dizzy- Dizzy Gillespie.
There's one knackered me.
The cheeks.
You did Dizzy? That man could blow a horn.
Oh, lovely chap.
Passed away six months on.
But we have him up for all the world to see- cheeks, trumpet and all.
And there he'll be, won't he? Would you mind lifting your chin a little bit to the light, sir? Oh, yeah.
It's like that, uh, Rodin Museum in Paris.
The Musée Rodin.
All those sculptures all over the place.
Man caught for time immemorial.
Well, in a way.
But you see, Rodin expressed his own soul through his creations.
We keep ours to ourselves.
Huh? A trick of the eye.
The body, without the soul, so to speak.
Oh, I never thought of it that way.
That was rule one at Harrington and Smythe.
They haven't come to see you.
They've come to see their loved ones.
Harrington and Smythe? Second largest mortuary in South England.
Mortuary? You're-You're an undertaker? That's how I got my start.
I was team leader at the Leeds soccer riots.
Forty-four bony facial reconstructions.
A bloody mess, I can tell you.
- And then you, uh, bailed out? - Fact is one can't expect to make this kind of dosh being an undertaker.
Ah.
The, uh, chin, sir? Oh, yeah.
Two pies of the day.
Karo Syrup, hickory nuts.
I threw in some brickle to give it some crunch.
Yum.
Double yum.
Well, look who's here.
- Hey, Big John.
- Hi.
John, the dentist? Mm-hmm.
Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Mean Mr.
Tooth Decay.
You'll do just fine, Shelly.
Why, haven't you been flossing and brushing regularly ever since you found those eight cavities last time? What do you know about it? You've never even had a measly cavity.
Nobody's drilled into your pearly whites till the pain came out your toes.
Well, that's true.
The Vincoeur men have always been blessed with uncommonly strong chompers.
Evening, folks.
Hi, Doc Summer.
Bye, Doc Summer.
Gotta top off those mustards.
- Hi,John.
- Hey, guys.
How's the retail trade these days? Good.
Well, great.
Say, take my seat, Dr.
Summer.
I gotta get going.
Thanks, Ed.
Sweets.
I know I shouldn't eat 'em.
- Hey, live it up once in a while, right? - Mmm.
Well, they came with the dinner special.
Oh, good heavens, look at the time.
Why, I've got to run.
Probably thinks we're gonna crown that number two bicuspid of hers.
She's right too.
Hey, Buns? You want a brew? Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Carla.
T- minus 10, we're gonna cut out of here over to Dripping Springs, hook up with Mark and Jenn.
We're gonna ride today, baby.
Oh, great.
Last night, I gotta tell you, Chris.
When you passed those piggyback semi's over that double-solid yellow.
Seven thousand R.
P.
M.
's, still had some.
Yeah.
You grab me that 7/16, please? Yeah.
That's the whole thing with a hog, you know.
It's you and 80 wild horses under your butt.
You're sitting on 10 square inches, where the rubber meets the road.
You got hurricane gale winds just whipping you in the face.
Leaning into a curve, you can feel that gravity just wanting to suck you down into it.
Yeah.
And what do you do? Give it a little more gas.
You're feeding off of pure centrifugal force and chutzpah.
I mean, you can see yourself just hurtling ass end over tea kettle into oblivion.
I forgot these last night.
I gotta get into a rhythm with this stuff.
What do ya got there? Nothing,just some pills.
You're okay, aren't you? You're not sick or anything? What? No! I'm not sick, no! I never felt better in my life.
Okay.
Then I'll just slide into my leathers.
I'll be out in two shakes and we can hit the road.
Uh, Carla? Is it cool if we just shine this today? No? How come, hon? I don't know, you know.
I'm just not into it.
Oh, okay.
Maybe I can hitch a ride with Bo then? Yeah, that sounds good.
Arthur, in my mind, that is one hell of an artistic achievement.
I, uh, tricked the line between the zygomatic arch and malar eminence with my number-two stipple.
- Came off all right, didn't it? - If I gave him my car keys, I believe he'd want to take a drive.
Well, that about does it for me.
London, old boy.
Oh, Arthur.
Which twin has the tony? Well, have a good trip, Arthur.
Mr.
Minnifield.
Bye.
Well, here we are, my friend, just you and me.
Welcome, friends.
Welcome.
Come right in.
Wouldn't miss this for a sleigh ride, Maurice.
It isn't every day one of us gets cast in wax.
Yeah, Maurice, where is he? Where's the wax- Whoa! Holy fajita! You know, at Our Lady of Visitation High, we had the three wise men and Mary at the manger, but never anybody we knew.
Well, I'll be.
It is you, Maurice.
Yep.
It's flawless, isn't it? Well, that's one way of putting it.
Just look at that.
Maurice, they have got you right down to yourJohnston and Murphy's.
And those glass eyes, they look so lifelike.
You know, they make 'em out of acrylic now.
It's much easier maintenance on the sockets.
Mike Yupaw had a glass eye.
He'd drop it in your beer at keggers.
You'd take a big gulp, and there it'd be, staring back.
They do seem to follow you around the room, don't they? Don't they, though.
- What about the rug, Maurice? Is it real? - Uh-uh-uh! Shelly, don't- Don't touch.
Uh, dear, uh, this is going to be in a museum.
Thousands of people a day will be trooping past it.
We wouldn't want everybody pawing it now, would we? Oh.
It's actually much more delicate than it looks.
It's, uh-The head is made of paraffin and beeswax.
- The way they do it is they take a life mask of your face.
- What's that? They clean your face off real good, and then cover your whole head in plaster.
Is that a fact? Uh-huh.
They put straws up your nose so you can breathe.
Clever, huh? Mmm.
Then, after the plaster hardens, they make the mold.
They pour in wax, let that sit.
And then, voilá.
I smell meat.
Is that meat, Maurice? Uh, yeah, Shelly.
That's crown roast.
It smells delicious.
Let's chow! Pooper's starting to growl.
Good idea.
Oh, you people brought your appetites, huh? Well, that's good.
You, uh, work on those hors d'oeuvres, I'll go see to the dinner.
Hey, Dave.
How about a hot cocoa to go? Oh! What happened to you? Him.
Dr.
John? Ripped out four of my wisdom teeth by the roots.
Now he wants to do a gingivectomy.
Ouch.
Wow.
Feel better.
Hot cocoa, okay? Thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
Well, I'm Maggie O'Connell.
You must be Dr.
John Summer.
We've never actually met.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, listen.
I know you're eating dinner.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
No problem.
I usually see my dentist when I go home to Grosse Pointe for the holidays.
That's where I'm from- Michigan.
But my parents got divorced, so I didn't go home this holiday.
So you need to see a dentist.
Well, I would have come to see you in the first place.
It's just that- I'm sure you're very good.
I- I-I-Well, that's what they say, you know.
They say, Dr.
John, he's good.
He's very good.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, I-I just have this little filling.
I think maybe it fell out, maybe part of my tooth too.
I did this crunch and sometimes it hurts.
So what about tomorrow morning, say about 8:00? You-You could work me in that fast? Sure.
I think I can squeeze you in.
Wow.
Well, that's great.
Okay, I'll see you then.
Okay, see you then.
Bye.
All right.
I'm constantly bombarded with proposals, you know.
Say things like, uh, oh, endorse this, autograph that, underwrite, uh, everything from, uh, little Bolivian orphans' fund or esoteric disease you can name.
May I trouble you for another one of those rolls? Oh, of course, Holling.
There you go.
Thank you.
Anyway, this was, uh, more than just an 8-by-10 glossy.
I mean, this was the whole shooting match.
They wanted the entire Maurice Minnifield, you might say.
So I says to myself,uh, "Minnifield,you better do this.
" Being a modern American icon is what you pay for being you.
Kind ofjust looms there, doesn't it? Yeah, it's imposing, all right.
It's like he's trying to look down my dress or something.
Or read over your shoulder.
Kinda want him to blink at least once in a while, don't ya? It's eerie.
It's so lifelike, but it's so frozen.
Creepsville.
No, it's not.
It's nothing of the kind.
- Maybe he's hungry.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, have a seat, Chuck.
- What do you say, Maurice? Think he might enjoy a slice of meat? What do you say, fella? Don't talk to it! It's not here to be a butt of your jokes! Maurice, we're just horsing around.
Yeah, we all think he's a fine statue, Maurice.
I- I'm sorry.
It's, uh- Well, it's been a very long and trying day.
Please, uh, eat, uh, drink and enjoy yourselves.
We're having mulberry crisp for dessert.
Up and at 'em, Cicely.
Rise and shine.
Time to haul butt out of those racks, pull on the uniform of the day and spiff up the A.
O.
Yours truly, MauriceJ.
Minnifield, at the desk, pulling relief for Chris Stevens who as of 0700 this a.
m.
is A.
W.
O.
L.
Not so much as a phone call.
Where I'm from, that's an article 15- two weeks reduction in pay and restriction to post.
You want to buck it, Stevens, this leatherneck would be more than happy to pull you in for a section eight.
Now then, on to the business of the day.
Let's see.
Here's one from Dr.
John Summers.
He's offering a two-for-one deal on porcelain filling replacements.
Special this week.
Now, you can't be too good to your teeth, people.
Take it from me.
They're the only ones you have.
As for myself, of course, I get my teeth done once a year in Switzerland, where they put you right out and you don't feel a wince of pain.
I'm sure Dr.
John will do you folks just fine.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Is that wide enough? You'd be more comfortable if you'd just relax a little bit and try and breathe through your nose.
I'm relaxed, really.
Okay? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Hmm.
What? What's wrong? There's the tooth, but there's a little cavity next door.
Oh, no, you're kidding.
Are you sure? Yeah.
There's a little crack in this molar here.
Any sensitivity? Oh,just a little.
Okay, take it easy.
Take it easy.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
I know.
I know.
Hey, Maurice? Maurice, I know you're P.
O.
'd.
I don't blame you.
Look, I just wanna explain one thing.
I want to-Whoa.
About time you showed up, Stevens.
You had me going here, Maurice.
I thought this was you for a sec.
Never mind that.
Got something for you here.
Oh, yeah? What's this? It's a pink slip and two weeks' severance pay.
You're history.
You're firing me? Yeah.
I'm tired of the artsy-fartsy excuses you always come up with.
I'm done with it.
Now there's one rule at K-Bear- no dead air.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's great.
That's perfect, Maurice.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
You brought it on yourself, son.
Yeah, didn't I? Didn't I? I brought it all on myself.
I brought the whole thing on myself.
I screwed up a lot in my life, Maurice, okay? But this hole here, this hole is so big and dark and wide, I couldn't crawl out of it if you gave me a thousand years, man.
What the hell are you raving about? What hole? The hole.
Maurice, the hole.
The hole that I've dug, the one that's filled with spiders and parking tickets gone to warrant, and bad credit, collection agencies and a liver that is as big as a watermelon already, I'm sure.
Is something wrong with you, son? Are you okay? That's a good one, Maurice.
Very funny.
Yeah, I'm okay.
I'm so okay that I'm gonna live another thousand years- forever! Look, you've lost me.
Oh, I have.
Let me make it clear for you, Maurice, 'cause it's real simple.
I got high blood pressure, okay? I got some medication.
I take these.
These little babies are gonna let me live another 40 years! Well, that sounds like good news to me! You don't understand.
I'm not prepared to pull that kind of time on planet X, Maurice.
Don't you get it? I'm Chris Stevens, man.
I'm supposed to be D.
O.
A.
at 40 like the rest of the Stevens men.
That was my plan, such as it was.
Now, I got all these more years, and I'm facing a logistical nightmare.
- A what? - Maurice, look, when I saw a bridge, I burned it.
Okay? Parking ticket? Threw it in the gutter.
A bar tab? I left town.
See ya.
I thought by the time this all catches up with me, I'm gonna be dead.
Now, I got a T.
R.
W.
that looks like a rap sheet and I never even filed my taxes, Maurice.
That's okay.
Those S.
O.
B.
's get too much of our dough, anyway.
Not because I'm a libertarian.
I just didn't do it.
Uh- Hey, no big deal.
Who cares? So what? Right? Hmm.
Well, you're gonna need a good lawyer and a good tax accountant.
We'll, uh, set up the payment schedule for you- Stop! You don't get it.
Okay.
Look, forget it.
I'm out of here.
I'll see you later.
You don't get it.
Boy, that is one troubled puppy.
Yeah, I realize I'm in another time zone.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
It's Alaskan standard.
Uh-huh.
No, no, no.
It's 10 hours difference.
Yes, that's right.
Yeah, no- Now, look.
Mrs.
Burke Whimpley, when will the people who know about picking up the statue be in? Uh-huh.
Good.
Oh, right.
I'll try to get 'em then.
Thank you.
Yeah, uh, cheerio to you too.
So, I asked him.
I said, "Where'd you get that tie, Dave?" And he said you gave it to him.
And I said, " That's funny.
That looks just like the tie I gave Maurice for his birthday.
" You know I looked in an awful lot of catalogs for that tie, Maurice.
It cost me a lot of money.
Well, maybe not a lot of money for you, but still- What are you doing, Ed? Sweeping the carpets, Maurice.
No, you're talking to that statue.
Your statue.
Yeah, I guess I was.
Look, Ed.
If you've got something to say, you say it to me.
You got that? Okay, Maurice.
But, uh- But what? Well, it's just that he's a little easier to talk to.
The statue? Well, he doesn't throw my thoughts off like you do sometimes.
I don't throw your thoughts off, son! What are you talking about? Well, kind of like now, Maurice.
I'm not in the business of throwing people's thoughts off, is that clear? And another thing, I don't want you talking to this thing like it's me.
This is not me, savvy? This is me.
I know, Maurice.
But there's some of you in there.
Hey, Chris.
How's it going, bud? Going? It ain't going anywhere, Mike.
How's it going with you? Okay.
How's it going with Cheryl and the little rug rats? They okay too? What have you got now, like five? I guess you never heard of the population explosion, huh? Chris, I- Keep popping 'em out like rabbits though, don't you? With your little rec room over there and your term life insurance.
I'll bet you're all happy as peas in a pod, huh? Hey, Stevens, we all know your ship's adrift, but Mike didn't cut the rope.
Well, well, Earl Brunius- Mr.
Crock Pot.
Got your " tomaters" all canned there, Earl? How about the okra, is that up yet? Do me a favor this year, pal.
Leave me off the list.
'Cause I got beets from last year and the year before that.
Oh, man.
You know what you are, Earl? You're a little, tiny, busy ant.
You too, Mike.
Shut up, Stevens.
Oh, the ant speaketh.
Both you guys, with your- with your mortgages and your term life insurance and your Weber kettles.
Ant.
Ant.
All of you.
You're all a bunch of little busy blind ants, all you all.
Saving up for your rainy days.
Scratching up your acorns for the winter.
You look at me, and you think, what a piece of pathetic trash out there in that leaky trailer, huh? No spoon, no forks, no prospects.
But you know why? Because I'm a grasshopper.
That's right.
A grasshopper.
Ant.
Grasshopper.
Ant.
Grasshopper.
Ant.
Grasshopper.
Ant.
Grasshopper.
Ant.
I wish you hadn't done that, Chris.
Ant.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to 86 you.
You're throwing me out? What are you, nuts? Keep your butt out of here until you settle down some, grasshopper.
A little warm tryptophan to help me get to sleep.
My apnea is acting up a little bit.
Little breathing irregularity.
Nothing serious.
What is that? Is that a mole? Hmm.
Better have that looked at.
Well, it won't be long until they have you on display.
People looking at you all day, judging you, judging me.
Why'd he make your eyes like that? They're so sad, like you're lonely.
People would line up across Alaska to stand in my shoes.
Yeah.
But here I am, standing talking to you.
To tell you the truth, you're starting to get on my nerves.
Hello, everybody.
It's Chris in the Morning on K-Bear.
Well, actually, I guess it's Ed in the Morning.
Me and Maurice will be filling in for Chris until Maurice can find a new deejay on account of Chris getting canned.
Let's see what's on the bulletin board this morning.
Not a thing.
I did see a sign hanging on Mrs.
Johnson's fence on the way to work this morning saying as how her calico cat had had kittens.
If you're interested, stop by.
I understand the mother's quite a mouser.
Something I've been wondering about lately- mirrors, you know.
You hold two of them facing each other.
And what's on 'em? I don't know.
If you have any ideas, feel free to give me a call.
I guess I'll play a song right now.
Almost there.
Just a little more.
Okay.
That's it.
Can I get you to rinse for me, please? Wow.
Really, we're done? Uh-huh.
That's amazing.
I didn't feel a thing.
All I have to do is mix up some amalgam, fill the hole in that tooth, and you're out of here.
Wow.
You know, you're a great dentist.
When you shook my cheek like that- Did they teach you that in dental school or did you come up with that? 'Cause it totally distracted me from the needle.
Truly, I think this is the best dental experience in my whole life.
Bar none.
You know what I think? I think you're an artist.
You're masterful.
- Uh-huh.
- You're firm, yet sensitive.
I felt like you were with me the whole way.
- Would you please stop that? - What? Flattering me.
Don't you hear yourself? You're fawning all over me.
- And you don't mean a word of it.
- I don't? Nobody does.
Why can't you just treat me like a real person, huh? Why does everybody have to fear me and suck up to me? Who do you think I am? A prison guard? The high school principal? Well- All I'm looking for is a little human interaction.
Is that so much to ask from you people? That's what Robert always says to me.
Robert? Robert Matt.
He's my hairdresser in Anchorage.
He says I kiss up to him so he won't give me a bad haircut.
Oh, God.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I mean, it's just thoughtless and insincere.
I do do that, I guess.
I don't know.
It's bad.
I just charm my way through every situation.
I don't care how it affects people.
Now, look, please, I'm- I'm sorry.
That was-That was totally uncalled for.
These are sharp instruments.
You're afraid, and everybody deals with it in their own way.
I'm just gonna mix up some of that amalgam.
Maurice? Come on in, Ed.
I can't eat in peace in here anymore, anyway.
It's a fax from the wax place.
I think you'd better read it.
The museum? It's about time they got off the stick.
When are they gonna come pick that thing up? "Dear Mr.
Minnifield, we regret to inform you that upon review of the upcoming exhibit of which you were to be a part"- "Were to be a part"? "It is the opinion of our directorship that rugged individualists lack sufficient Commonwealth content.
" They're going with Richard Branson, Maurice.
They're eliminating me? He's Virgin Airlines.
He put free video in coach.
They-They can't do this! I mean, I-I've got Newsweek coming.
I've got Stars and Stripes.
I- All right, they'll hear from my attorney.
I'll sue 'em for every shilling they've got.
By the time I get through with them, they'll be using their statues to make votive candles for the mothers of mercy.
I'll close the damn place down.
Maurice, there's good news here too.
Real good.
What? Right here, third paragraph.
"As a gesture of our"- I can read it, Ed.
"As a gesture of our appreciation we would like"- They wanna give it to me.
Well, I don't want it.
- They're not gonna pick it up.
- He's all yours, Maurice.
Evening, Chris.
Hey, Holling.
Shelly thought you might be hungry.
Fixed you a short rib and flaky biscuit takeout.
Oh, well, tell her thanks.
Uh, you mind? No, no.
Been drinking since noon.
Can't even light a buzz.
Yeah, I've been there.
I don't know, Holling.
I don't feel like- I don't feel like doing my art anymore, you know.
I don't feel like riding the hog.
I don't feel like talking on the radio 'cause I got nothing to say.
I had a rhythm going.
You know, I was- I was Chris Stevens, shooting star.
I was blazing across that sky with Hendrix and James Dean, Rimbaud, you know.
I thought I had my ticket punched- the Stevens genes.
At least my old man had the decency to get off the planet.
Now who am I gonna be, hmm? Some guy with a pillbox and a Chevy Lumina? I mean, what's next for me, Holling? An old folks home? Rocking chair, shawl, a respirator? Well- Well, you know, Chris, it may seem it, but it's not necessarily that way.
Right.
No, no, it doesn't have to be.
I mean, when you're talkin' longevity, you just have to pace yourself different, is all.
Husband your resources.
Do I open a Keogh account? Well, it- I know, it'll take a little getting used to, but there's plenty adventure ahead for you, boy.
Take it from me.
Heck, I get a whole lot more nooky now than I ever did as a fellow your age.
Is that right? Well, I don't feel like much of that action either, Holling.
Well, you will, Chris.
You will.
Just give yourself some time is all.
Yeah, some time.
I guess I got all the time I need right now, don't I, Holling? Yeah, well, speaking of that, I'd better get on back.
Shelly will be waiting up for me.
Okay, Holling.
I appreciate it.
Good night, Chris.
Hit me again, Dave.
I was thinking about going home, Maurice.
I'm fishing in the morning.
Home.
It doesn't even seem like my place anymore.
You through with those? Yeah.
What am I supposed to do with that thing, I ask you? Am I supposed to put myself on display in my own living room? My AuntJudy has her portrait hanging above the TV.
Well, this ain't that.
This thing sucks air.
I suppose I could call the Hollywood Wax Museum.
They'd jump at it.
Then I'd be in a sideshow between Bon Jovi and Don Johnson.
A bunch of tourists gawking at me.
Breathing on me.
Why don't you send him back home? To Tulsa? No.
No, the Minnifield Library won't be up and running for another couple of years at least.
What am I supposed to do with it until then? Nail it up into a crate? Put it in my root cellar? And every time I'm kneading bread in the kitchen or enjoying a brandy and a fire in the den, I'll think about that thing down there, staring with its little beady, lifeless eyes.
Like he was buried alive.
Yeah, only worse.
With a dead man, they close his eyes.
So the vultures won't pick 'em.
Hit me again, Dave.
Okay.
Dr.
John? That's me.
John Summer, D.
D.
S.
What are you doing out here? You know where you are, right? Suicide leap.
That jagged rock, it will crack your brain pan, that's for sure.
I just come out for perspective.
It just makes me feel like there's an alternative.
What, is it that bad? Oh, there's nothing wrong.
I- I love dentistry- teeth.
But the alienation, the ostracization, and the way you people lie.
We make a compact.
You people promise to brush, you promise to floss.
But you don't brush, you don't floss.
Well, meet the lowest of the low,John, 'cause I never even showed up, buddy.
What, to the dentist? Yeah, well, once, back in East Wheeling juvie, but that was that or 15 days in the barracks.
Really? You mean to say you've never been to a dentist but once in your life? Going on 31 years now.
I know it's dumb.
I mean, I never took care of'em 'cause I wasn't gonna need 'em.
And now, my worst fears are realized- a 10 grand dentist bill and teeth in a glass.
- Can I see? - What, my teeth? - I just want to look, that's all.
- Okay.
Can you just open a little- Yeah.
Oh.
Hmm.
Interesting.
It's bad, right? I mean, uh, it's pretty awful? John, give it to me.
Rip me a new one, man.
Yell at me.
Tell me straight.
Truthfully, Chris? Yeah.
I'm surprised.
Considering the neglect, there is a remarkable lack of activity in your mouth.
What? I'd want to scale, of course, but I think a couple or three visits, we'd have it well under control.
That's it? Should be.
You don't wanna yank 'em out? You don't want to- I get to keep 'em? Wait a second.
You're just pulling my chain, right? Then you get me in the chair, then out they come, right? No, we'll get you on a maintenance program.
You'd have to be diligent about it.
Yeah, I could do that.
Hell, yeah, I could.
Come on.
What do you say? How about it? What? Right now? Oh, I'm sorry.
What? Oh! I am so self-involved.
You're weren't gonna- You know? Off the cliff? No.
No, no, brother.
Uh, my pills.
I was gonna chuck 'em.
Oh.
I could take a rain check, you know, see how it goes.
What do you say? You want to? - Yeah, come on.
- All right.
Afternoon, Ray! How are you doing, Maurice? Stinks to high heaven out here.
I'm surprised he can do this without a mask.
Ray? He said he likes the smell.
Hmm.
Well, let's get to it.
Maurice, can't I take him? I'd take good care of him.
You could have him back any time you wanted- Christmas, holidays.
I told you no, Ed.
And that's final.
N-O.
Now, let's get him up out of here.
Now, say good-bye to him and good riddance.
Maurice, I'd take good care of him.
I'd dust him, keep him clean and make sure he didn't melt.
Why? So you could use him for a hat rack to entertain your friends? Dress him up in a funny suit? Put a lampshade on him? Well- Forget about it, Ed.
No, he's going where he belongs- on the trash heap.
They don't want him.
I don't want him.
That's all she wrote.
Come on.
Grab his feet.
Got a good grip? Yep.
Forward, ho.
Hey, Cicely,yours truly, Chris Stevens back in your ear.
Thank you, Maurice, for yet another second chance.
If I sound a little strange, it's 'cause I am.
No, actually, I just spent the afternoon in Big John's dental mobile and I got a numb tongue.
Message of the day.
Listen up now 'cause this one's important.
Brush those teeth, eat that roughage, pop those vitamins and wear sensible shoes.
You know, we Homo sapiens carry around a heavy psychic knapsack- consciousness.
And we all know we're gonna be asked to get off the merry-go-round someday.
Best we can do is keep the corpse beautiful, right? And what is the right stuff, anyway? Crossing a double yellow on your hog, or looking a 30-year mortgage flat in the face? The long haul.
I'm gonna need some clean undies.
Got my toothbrush, got my library card.
What'd the man say? Ajourney of a thousand miles begins with the first step, right?