Northern Exposure s05e13 Episode Script

Mite Makes Right

Ah, Mr.
Ingram.
Uh, Maurice Minnifield.
How are you, sir? Hello.
That was a pretty good job out there.
You lost a little of the intonation on the adagio, but at least you laid off that spiccato and kept it on the strings where it belongs.
I'm satisfied.
Well, thank you.
Uh, listen, Cal.
You don't mind if I call you Cal, do you? I'd like to retain your services for a couple of days down in Cicely.
I'll set you up at the Sourdough Inn.
It's a nice little B&B, if you stay away from the apple pancakes- Mr.
Minnifield, I'm sorry, but I don't play weddings or anniversary parties.
No, no, no, son.
I don't want you to perform.
You don't? No, no.
Uh, with the real estate market being what it is-you know, in the toilet- the smart money these days is on collectibles.
Fabergé eggs, musical instruments, that sort of thing.
Especially violins.
Now, there's a Guarneri del Gesù coming on the market that, uh, my dealer thinks I can steal for 1,600.
A Guarneri del Gesù for 1,600? Now, the market being what it is, if I keep it for a year, I should be able to turn it over for, uh, two and a quarter.
That's a 39% increase in my investment.
Now, I can live with that.
I'm sorry, but what does any of this have to do with me? I want you to take it around the block, get me the bona fides on the thing.
I'm willing to pay 500 a day, plus a generous per diem to cover your expenses.
What do you say? All righty.
That's 20 minutes.
Let's sit you up and see what you got.
Fleischman, I really don't think I have allergies.
I just think I caught something.
That's not an infectious cough.
You're wheezing.
People can get allergies at any time, O'Connell.
Let's see if you tested positive to any.
Box elder, negative.
Cottonwood, cocklebur.
Oh, look at that.
What? That's a fairly significant wheal and flare in quadrant eight.
Quadrant eight? Mite dust pteronyssinus.
Man, this welt's gotta be at least a centimeter in diameter.
Apparently, you're allergic to dust mites.
You know, those little microscopic bugs? Wh-What little microscopic bugs? Yeah,you find 'em in your couch or your,you know, mattress.
- Pretty much anywhere in your house.
- Dust mites? Everywhere? Yeah.
What are you talking about? Where you been, O'Connell? Since Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, dust mites are a happening thing, you know? Actually, what a lot of people don't know is it's not the bugs that they're allergic to.
- It's the, uh- It's their feces actually.
- Feces? You mean their- Yeah.
It gets kicked up in the air, and- and you breathe it in.
It's unavoidable.
I've been breathing in feces? Yes, O'Connell, everybody has.
It's just part of the cost of doing business on the planet Earth.
Some people develop a sensitivity.
We treat it like any other allergy.
We, uh, desensitize you with a series of subcutaneous injections.
Really, it's nothing to worry about.
Hey, look, um, not to change the subject, but I've been thinkin'that we've, uh, known each other a fairly long time- you know, like, three years.
And it's been a rather bizarre relationship.
We've had sex, but, you know, we've- we've never really gone out.
So, um, I- I- I don't know.
Why don't we go out, you know? O'Connell? Are you telling me that these insects live all over the house? They're arachnids, not insects.
They have eight legs, like spiders.
Oh.
Hmm.
- What do you say? - What? Never mind.
Um, I will order the serum, and we can start the injections some time next week.
I'll, uh, get Marilyn to clean that up for you.
Okay.
- You warm enough? - Uh-huh.
You tired? You want to- You want to take a break, stretch? - I'm fine.
- Yeah? Forget it.
Is it me? Did I do something wrong? No, it's not you.
You're great.
You're perfect.
I- I don't know where I'm goin' with this thing.
I can't find the " it.
" The what? The " it.
" The autonomy of- of fragment.
The " why," the touchstone.
You know, like Ingres's Odalisque.
You know, that beautiful drop-dead curving spine.
Or Rodin's broken nose, Munch's, you know, screaming face.
Look at this thing! Look at this! I mean, I thought, I'm gonna hone in on the neck, the neck.
It's perfect.
It's- It's an anchor.
The neck.
It's arbitrary.
Why? Why the neck? Neck has no meaning.
The neck's a myth.
You know, Maurice, if Perlman finds out I let you have first crack at this, he'll have my head.
You want to spare me the spiel? Just, uh, let me see the violin.
Okay.
As you wish.
I've traded in Guarneris before- several times- but never, ever one as fine as this.
Notice the varnish, the deep, golden color.
But still so translucent, ah? The grain shows perfectly.
And the purfling- how beautifully cut and intricate the inlay.
I tell you, Maurice, aside from the Kreisler Stradivari, I don't think you will find a more elegant scroll.
Wanna take it around the block? Here are the papers.
Please have a look.
Mm-hmm.
Notice how warm and rich the tone is,yet so bright- how it carries.
Of course, Beare in London did the authentication, and this is an appraisal from Thomas Metzler himself.
What do ya think, Cal? Cal? What's your opinion, maestro? Sorry? Uh, your professional opinion- the violin.
It's, um- It's magnificent.
Good.
- Well, you got yourself a deal.
- Good.
Hmm.
Two, four, six, eight packages of peanut brittle.
Anything else? No.
Mmm.
At an artistic impasse, hmm? How'd you know that? It's the only time you eat this stuff.
Hi, Chris.
Hey, Ruth-Anne.
Listen, do you have anything in your library on dust mites? Dust mites? I think there's an old entomology text back there.
Try the science shelf.
Should be right next to Silent Spring.
Okay.
I got it real bad this time, Ruth-Anne.
I'm staring in the abyss, and it ain't even blinkin'.
I- I'm sure that you'll find your inspiration, dear.
But tell me, why peanut brittle? I don't know.
Maybe it's the yin and yang of sweet and salt.
You know, the surprise of the peanut.
The violence.
The way it shreds up your soft palette.
Just helps me focus.
See ya.
Oh.
Maggie? Oh, my God.
What is it? Look.
What an ugly thing.
That's a dust mite.
This creepy, hairy, eyeless thing? Wow.
They're in my house, Ruth-Anne.
They're here.
There are millions and millions of'em, and we can't even see them.
Well, I guess that's just as well.
Oh, no.
You don't understand, Ruth-Anne.
Listen.
"In a one-gram sample of dust taken from a cushion of the couch, researchers counted That's just from one ounce of dust, Ruth-Anne.
Imagine how many ounces are in a whole couch.
Mmm.
You know what they eat, Ruth-Anne? They eat our skin.
They eat those little flakes of skin that we shed every day.
Really? Oh, that's just disgusting.
When we walk across the carpet, they're on our feet.
When we sit on a sofa, they're in our lap.
When we lay in bed, they're crawlin' all over us.
Well, now, you learn something new every day.
Wonderful! Thanks for the recital.
Boy, half of Paganini's repertoire, and on to Beethoven.
You must be tuckered out.
Actually, no.
I could play all night.
Well, this flyboy's ready to catch some Z's.
You know, Mr.
Minnifield, my father, he, uh, played first cello for the Manchester Symphony Orchestra.
He didn't want me to become a professional musician.
We were always just scraping by.
Between the Saturday morning lessons and church concerts, Dad never had a free weekend.
That a fact? And to be sure, it hasn't been easy.
Traveling, constant search for work, the erosion of the symphony audience.
But then there's a moment like tonight, a profound, um- What's the word? A transcendent experience.
The feeling as if a door has opened.
And it's all because of that instrument, that incredible, magical instrument.
I tell you, Mr.
Minnifield, I have never played as well in my life.
I have never felt so- so musical.
Well, that makes sense, son.
Good tools make, uh, good work.
I have to admit, I didn't want to come here.
I- What are you doing? I'm lockin' it up.
This is home until it appreciates.
No, you can't do that.
You-You can't keep an instrument like that locked up- locked up in a safe.
It's worth more than a million dollars.
I'm not gonna leave it out on the coffee table.
No.
No,you don't understand.
You have to play it or it loses its tone.
Well, it- it dies.
There's two schools of thought on that.
No, really, it's a fact.
Mr.
Minnifield, it's like with pearls.
They lose their luster if they're not worn.
Look, Cal, I really appreciate you coming down here.
With your busy schedule, I know it must have been an inconvenience.
Mr.
Minnifield, no, it was really- I'm gonna add three bills to your fee just to show my appreciation.
There you go, That'll keep you in rosin for a little while.
Please, Mr.
Minnifield.
Watch those roads, now.
They tend to get icy this time of night.
Mr.
Minnifield,just- Uh, good night, Cal.
Hey, O'Connell! Hi.
Sorry.
I didn't hear you.
I'm vacuuming the dust mites off my, uh, couch.
So I see.
Oh, look at this.
It's an incredible machine.
Most vacuums can't get the dust mites off 'cause they cling to the fabric fibers, but this really works.
And not only that, it's double bagged so that the mites can't get back out through the exhaust.
Oh.
Well, um, that's nice.
Phew! Hey, look at these.
Got 'em from a catalog.
Pillowcases for my bed.
Guaranteed to trap particles as small as 1/100th of a millimeter.
- Yeah, well, that's, uh- that's very nice.
- Yeah.
Look, the reason I dropped by is that, um, I- I was thinking that when you were at the office the other day and, you know, I brought up the idea of us dating, I guess it, uh-it seems to me it was- it was pretty inappropriate, you know, in that context.
You know, you're there as a patient, and- I just think it's important that we keep our professional and our private lives separate.
So that's, uh- That's, I guess, why I'm here now as opposed to there.
- You know, here, at your home.
- Um- What-What are you tryin' to say? Uh, I guess what I'm tryin' to say is, uh, do you want to go out? - Yeah, sure.
- You do? Yeah.
Good.
Hey, would you take this rug on the way out? Yeah, sure.
Ruth-Anne said she'd sell it on consignment for me.
I just can't stand having it around anymore.
I don't under- You're getting rid of it? I know it seems a little extreme, but think about it.
There's gotta be a quarter of a million dust mites in there, and each one of them excreting 20 fecal pellets every single day.
Say no more.
I'll- I'll take it off your hands.
Thanks.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Bye.
See ya.
Thanks.
Morning, Mr.
Minnifield.
Hi.
I'm surprised you're not on the road.
Uh, you know, checkout time over at the Sourdough is noon.
I'm not springin' for another night.
Oh, that's no problem.
I understand.
Actually, I'm, uh- I'm here because, uh, well, I have a business proposition for you.
Oh? Well, I hope you'll keep an open mind and hear me out.
Sure.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching since last night, and, um, well, I've decided.
I'd like to buy the Guarneri.
You? Well, I know it's a major commitment, but, uh, well, hey, heck, what's life for? Are you telling me that you've got a couple of mil in your pocket? Well, no, not entirely.
But, um, well, I have been going over my assets, and I do believe that with a little creative financing, there's a way to make this work.
Okay.
I own a condominium in Anchorage which I bought for 56,000.
It's now worth 62,000, 63,000.
There's only 35,000 left to pay on the note.
Also, uh, don't think I mentioned this.
I'm very close to my uncle, who owns a major lighting supply company in Phoenix.
He's an elderly man in uncertain health.
He has no children.
Now, I have every reason to believe that when he passes away, I stand to inherit a substantial amount of money.
Now, hold on, Cal.
No offense, but, uh, what the hell are you talkin' about? You've got a piddly $20,000 equity in your home and a pipe dream about bein' a beneficiary? Well, I think I can get the Seattle Symphony involved.
They might kick in, have a fund-raiser.
No.
I'm gonna have to pass.
Sorry, Cal.
Mr.
Minnifield, this is not a piece of real estate.
It is not a hundred shares of common stock.
This is a Guarneri del Gesù.
Unless it's played, it has no meaning.
It has plenty of meaning for me, Cal.
Two million bucks' worth.
Excuse me.
I got a lunch date.
Well, perhaps we could make a contractual arrangement.
Uh, something, like, whenever the violin is played, it will say on the program, "Guarneri del Gesù, courtesy of Maurice Minnifield.
" You'll be known as a musical benefactor all over the world.
Look, son, I've given my fair share to the arts.
I'm a founding member of the Anchorage Light Opera, and I sent a native kid to piano camp this year.
Nope, I bought that Guarneri as an investment, and that is that.
Chris, you gonna eat those potatoes or just play with them? Hey, Chris! Hey, Shelly.
Hi.
Let's see.
I think I'll have a Kir Royale.
You got it.
Thanks.
I'm celebratin', Chris.
In just a few more hours, every dust mite in my house will be wiped out.
Is that right? Yeah.
I got a dehumidifier.
Takes the house down to 30% relative humidity.
Dust mites can't live below 50.
Kir Royale.
All right! Dust mites.
Don't they, uh- Don't they live in the mattress, dust mites? Oh, God.
They live everywhere.
Clothes, drapes, lint in your belly button.
But not anymore.
It makes you think though, huh? What do you mean? About what? Oh, about your cabin.
About the unseen civilizations- you know, the parallel universe.
I mean, don't you- don't you wonder what you wasted in there? Moms, dads, universities, shopping malls.
Oh, Chris, they're just bugs.
Yeah, but who knows what kind of sociocultural structure they've cooked up in this, you know, microscopic melting pot.
- Universities? - What do you think we look like in the big picture? We're the third stone from the sun.
There's 200 billion stars in this galaxy alone.
How do you know we're not gonna get snuffed out by some giant cosmic dehumidifier, you know? There's gonna be a humongous hit man sittin'on a barstool in the Crab Nebula, crackin' up over our demise.
Chris.
What? See you later, okay? Okay.
Hello, Holling.
Afternoon, Maurice.
Takes all kinds, I guess.
How's that? Oh, that fiddle player I hired.
Can't seem to get rid of him.
Yes, he was in the bar today.
He was? Yes, this afternoon, while you were having your cappuccino.
He was sitting a couple of tables behind you.
I noticed him because he didn't order anything.
He just wanted to sit there.
He left a couple of moments after you did.
Hmm.
Even after washing and drying, it still smells like Shelly.
Hmm.
Hi! Whoo! You look great.
Thanks! Here you go.
Oh, wonderful.
Mmm.
Oh, boy.
You've definitely made some changes here.
Yeah, it's a little radical, but, uh, what do you think? Well, I, uh- You know, I gotta tell you, I- I like it actually.
It's, uh, very spare,you know.
Very, uh, minimalist.
Ooh.
Smells good.
This the paella? Mm-hmm.
Ahh.
They say the secret is, uh, not overcooking the shrimp and using lots of olive oil.
Uh-huh.
Here.
We'll save your wine for dinner, huh? Okay.
Okay.
What? Here we are.
You and me.
Took a long time to get here, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Lot of peaks and valleys.
Clean slate? Clean slate.
Hmm.
Mr.
Minnifield.
What the hell do you want? I brought you a present.
Uh, it's cold out here.
May I, uh- I just, uh, didn't feel I could leave Cicely without, uh, showing my gratitude.
It's Glenn Gould.
The Goldberg Variations.
In my opinion, he's the greatest keyboard interpreter of Bach.
But, you know, Gould couldn't help humming along with the music when he played.
It was sort of a reflex action.
Drove the recording engineers mad.
If you listen very carefully in " Variation 9," you can hear him.
Sort of- Perhaps you already have it.
I think you better hit the road.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
I didn't realize how late it was getting.
Just one thing- Could I have one last look at the Guarneri? What? Just hold it? Maybe a few scales? An arpeggio? No! I promise, it'll only take a minute, and then- and then I'll be out of your hair.
Take that with you.
The visit's over.
Please, I- I can't go.
Don't- Not without at least touching it.
Now, don't you make me tell you twice.
This isn't right.
Look, you want me to throw you out of here? You can't keep it looked in that box! It needs to be played.
Go! This is a revelation.
I mean, all these years, I had no idea that you're a Dark Shadows junkie.
Oh, yes! When Barnabas kidnapped Maggie Evans, I told my mother I had a sore throat just so I could stay home to watch that.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Hey, Fleischman.
Maurice gave me this great cognac for my birthday.
Would you like some? Oh, yes.
Great.
Wow.
Maurice knows his cognac.
Ahh.
I have to say that I think, for a first date, this is goin' great.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Thanks.
New plastic covers, are they? Well- Hey, you know, it's- it's a little stiff, but it's better than the dust mites.
Ah, yes.
The dust mites.
Yeah, they can't get through this.
Is that Eternity? Um, no, actually, it's Calèche.
Mm-hmm.
It's nice.
You know, this whole dust mite thing- It's not the allergy as much as just- It's the thought of these things crawlin' around on me, you know? Yeah, but- See, the thing is, there's nothin' you can do about it.
What do you mean? We've got all kinds of things crawling on us.
We do? Yeah.
I mean, we're host to a lot of stuff.
Bacteria and micrococci and diphtheroids and Staph epidermidis.
Yeast, Pityrosporum ovale, which live up here in your scalp.
And speaking of mites, there's- I mean, there's these tiny little ones called follicle mites.
They actually live right in your eyelashes.
In my eyelashes? Yeah.
You think about it, we're basically just part of one big, giant ecosystem.
I mean, they're food, and we're food.
You look beautiful.
What? You-You gotta go.
What are you talking about? It's late, Fleischman.
You know, it's just- it's very, very late.
And, uh, gosh, you know, I have to get up really early in the morning.
Very early.
What are you talking about? Look, Fleischman, I have a flight in the morning.
I forgot all about it.
- It's from Cordova to Seward down to Kodiak, you know.
- Wha- I'm sorry, Fleischman.
I'm really very, very sorry.
It's just that I gotta take a shower, okay? Morning.
Good morning.
Hello.
I say, you wouldn't happen to have any dynamite, would you? Dynamite? Yes.
Um, I'm having a heck of a time removing an old tree stump, and I thought that dynamite might be the answer.
I don't carry dynamite.
It's against the law to sell it to the public.
Oh.
Yes.
Well, yes, of course.
It does make sense, doesn't it? Um, well, in that case, I'll take a- no, make- better make that a two-foot length of pipe.
Hi, Ruth-Anne.
Morning, dear.
And, um, four boxes of shotgun shells.
Uh, 12 gauge or 20? It doesn't matter.
It doesn't? Uh, what am I saying? Uh, 12 gauge.
Yes, 12.
Ruth-Anne, are you out of mango chutney? Should be right there next to the peanut butter.
And about five feet of ignition wire.
I'll get the wire.
Bugs? Uh-huh.
They're-They're in the lint.
They're really small, but I know I saw them.
And they must have jumped out onto me because now they're underneath my skin.
Well, I don't see anything.
Well, I know they're in there.
They're really small though.
All right.
Well, how about we take a look? Good idea, good idea, good idea.
You'll see 'em.
Hey, look, um, about the other night, you know- If you felt that we were, uh, I guess moving too fast, I mean, you just had to say something.
You know, I'm- I'm an adult.
I can handle the truth.
Oh, no, everything was fine.
I had a good time.
But could you just hurry with that, please? Well, the lint looks clean to me.
I mean, all I really see are fabric fibers.
No insects, no nits, no body parts, no antennae.
Oh, no, no, no.
That just can't be.
There's gotta be.
Hey, take a look for yourself.
I mean, you tell me.
I don't get it.
Is there something wrong with your microscope? I mean, there might not be enough light in here.
Come on.
No, Fleischman.
I saw 'em, all right? They're under my skin.
Look.
O'Connell, believe me, there is absolutely no evidence of infestation, all right? There are no- There are no, um, fleas, okay? There's no lice.
You don't have it.
They're underneath my skin, Fleischman.
No, really.
You have to look.
They bored underneath my skin.
Listen, in this hemisphere, okay, the only bugs that bore under the skin are scabies.
You don't have the signs.
The signs are gray swellings.
What about this rash? You're scratching yourself, right? Yes, that's what I'm telling you.
It itches.
This is a neurodermatitis.
You've given yourself a rash, basically.
It's in your mind.
What are you talking about? Actually, there's a- a name for it.
It's, uh, delusions of parisitosis.
Delusions? Yeah.
And-And you've gotta get this under control.
You have to realize these fears are irrational, okay? You are not under attack by some kind of parasite.
Look, I know what I saw, Fleischman.
O'Connell, trust me.
People can really lose it.
If you don't just push these thoughts out of your mind- Really, I'm- I'm concerned about you.
This is ridiculous.
I've gotta go.
- Mr.
Ingram.
- Yes? Um,just a minute.
I'll- I'll come out.
Very homey.
Oh, yes.
It's just for a couple of days.
There was a problem with my reservation at the bed and breakfast.
What can I do for you? Well, Ruth-Anne couldn't find any ignition wire, but she did manage to find this 12-gauge copper.
I don't know.
Maybe I should rethink this.
You probably need it insulated.
No, no, no.
It's not that.
It's this, uh, project I've been working on.
I just wonder if it isn't a big mistake.
Oh? Um, you see, I'm a musician.
Well, I'm a violinist actually.
And there's this man, this Philistine, who's doing a terrible disservice to the world of music.
And I have a plan to deal with the situation, but I'm afraid I might be going too far.
Besides, it's so risky, I don't even know if it'll work.
I think I get it.
You're havin' an artistic crisis? Yes, I suppose I am.
The Agony and the Ecstasy.
Exactly.
No, I mean the movie.
Charlton Heston plays Michelangelo, and he has this vision for the Sistine Chapel.
But Pope Rex Harrison stands in his way, and Chuck, he's gotta fight Pope Rex all the way down the line about the whole project, right? The creation of Adam, the expulsion from the Garden.
But in the end, Chuck wins.
Chuck succeeds in creating an artistic masterpiece.
I remember.
There are always people like that pope.
They serve a certain function, of course.
They subsidize us, but they don't create anything.
Uh-huh.
And they must never be allowed to stop the artist from creating.
Right! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Not at all.
Part of my job.
I'm studying to become a shaman.
Really? Oh, uh, how much for the wire? Hi, Chris.
Hey, Mags! You made it! Yeah.
Maggie, April.
April, Maggie.
Hi.
Hi.
You want a- You want a cold one? Oh, no.
No, thanks.
So, what's up? Well, I wanted- I wanted you to be the first to see it, you know.
- I couldn't have really sculpted April if it hadn't been for you.
- Me? Yeah.
You know, I looked at April and, I don't know, she was just so amorphous, you know? - She was just all this white noise.
- Chaos.
Yeah.
And my tractor beam really wouldn't focus in on anything until I talked to you.
You gave me the focus.
You gave me the hub to build the piece around.
- You ready? - Uh-huh.
- A dust mite? - That's right.
- But I thought it was supposed to be you.
- I'm what you don't see.
I'm implied.
Yeah, she's, like,you know, Brancusi's Bird in Space, right? He didn't do the bird itself.
He did the state of the bird.
He did flight.
You know, that's why I did the dust mite.
I- I didn't do April.
I did the state of April, which, you know, when you think about it, is really the state of us all, right? A dust mite is the state of us all? Oh, it's the perfect metaphor for the human condition.
You know, life is- life's dirty, life's unclean, you know.
It's birth, it's sex, it's the intestinal tract.
One big old stinky, squishy, unsanitary mess.
- Amen.
- Amen is right.
It never gets any cleaner either.
It's, like, you know, dust to dust.
Worms crawl in, worms crawl out, right? Even though we know that, we still walk the walk, we still live the life, right? We're like a bunch oflittle- little kids,you know.
Wejump in this big old pond of mud, right, and we're slappin'it all over our face, rubbin' it in our hair, down our backs.
And we're makin' these glorious, gooey mud pies.
That's us.
Mr.
Ingram, hello! Oh, hello.
Say, that wire do the trick for you? Oh, it worked fine, thank you.
You know, I've been thinking about your little problem.
Have you ever seen that movie, TheJazz Singer? What? Yeah.
AIJolson wants to sing popular music, see, but his father is determined that he follow in his footsteps and become a cantor.
Uh, I'm terribly sorry, but I am, uh, in rather a hurry.
Oh.
Sure.
You tried to kill me! Back off, Maurice.
Own up, you little twerp! You tried to kill me! - Maurice, the suspect is entitled to an attorney.
- He tried to blow me up! What else could I do? You were destroying that violin- a Guarneri del Gesù.
I knew it! That's enough, Maurice! Hold on there.
Just take it easy.
He tried to blow up my car with me in it! This is between me and him! Turn around and put your hands against the car.
He locked it in a safe.
What else could I do? Hey! - A Guarneri del Gesù.
- Come on.
Let's go.
What can I get you, friend? Two fingers of C.
C.
, neat.
Comin'up.
It's at 2:00, friend.
Thanks.
Better days.
Um- Uh- Yeah? You're a dust mite.
Don't I know it.
What are you doin' in here? I know.
Edie's gonna give me hell when she smells liquor on my breath, but what a day.
They made Paul Dunlap skin cell manager.
I've been with that company 15 years, twice as long as Dunlap.
Okay, so my commissions are down a little, but the way people are usin' loofahs in the showers, everybody's hurtin'.
If that's not enough, I find out that my boy,Jerry, is failing carpet navigation.
How the hell do you fail carpet navigation? So- So you're married, and you have a job and kids? Ha! Kids? Thirty-two of'em, and 26 are still at home.
Edie's goin' crazy 'cause they're all sick in bed.
Last week our " host" sprayed malathion on the baseboard.
Can you believe that? Malathion? Really? Thank God no one was killed.
Yeah, that's really awful.
Yeah, my littlest has had nightmares ever since.
She cries every night.
Oh, poor thing.
Ah, what are you gonna do? You gotta take the good with the bad.
You gotta drag yourself up outta the lint every day, put two feet in front of the others and go forward.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Evening, Maurice.
Barbara.
I need to ask you a few questions so I can complete my report.
Please.
Sorry about this morning.
I got a little hot under the collar.
I hope they've got that miscreant behind bars now.
Mr.
Ingram is currently undergoing a psychiatric evaluation.
Terrific.
He'll plead temporary insanity, and some fuzzy-headed judge'll send him to the funny farm to weave baskets.
I don't like it any more than you do.
Oh, Barbara.
How 'bout a drink? I've got some of that Crown Royal you like.
I'm on duty.
How long have you known the suspect? Uh, two weeks.
And during that time, did he ever assault you? No.
Threaten you with bodily harm? Barbara, the man is a wimp, a milquetoast.
He's the kind of guy who's spooked by his own shadow.
Mm-hmm.
What? I spoke to a number of his friends and colleagues.
They characterized him essentially in the same way.
A woman he used to date said Mr.
Ingram was always the perfect gentleman, a wonderful dinner companion.
The violist in Mr.
Ingram's string quartet said he never even raised his voice.
Damned nut.
Can you imagine throwin' your life away over somethin' like this? See it all the time.
Typical crime of passion.
What do you mean? A man desperately in love with his wife, but fearful he's losing her affection, follows her to a motel room.
She meets her lover.
The husband, normally a mild-mannered individual, kills them both in a fit of jealous rage.
What the hell kind of an analogy is that? Those are people.
So? We're talkin' about a damn fiddle here! I guess that's one way to look at it.
Thank you for your cooperation.
How you doin'? You all right? Yeah.
You were right, Fleischman.
I was? Yeah.
We're all part of one big, giant ecosystem.
Is this why you called me out here? Listen.
Do you hear it? What? Life.
Life is everywhere.
The Earth is throbbing with it, you know.
It's like music.
The plants and the creatures- the ones we see, the ones we don't see- it's like one big pulsating symphony.
You've gotten rid of the bug thing? We're all in this together.
You want to know why I called you out here, Fleischman? Yeah.
I got you out here for this.
He really looks forward to these Sundays.
We ever have a discipline problem, we just tell him that we're not gonna let you bring the violin anymore.
Comes around pronto.
Takes his medication, participates in group therapy.
Hmm.