Not Dead Yet (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

Not Dating Yet

Good would be if I was still asleep.
But, uh, yeah.
Do you think you can,
uh, turn that game down
or, I don't know, off?
First of all, StarRim isn't a game.
It's a space opera.
I'm sorry, there's a "second of all"?
Second of all, today's the release date
of StarRim Nine, StarRim
Diablo, and I have to play it
all the way through before
it's ruined by some noob online.
- No offense.
- Why would that be offensive?
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not even awake.
I can feel your eyes on
me, and I don't like that.
I've just never seen anybody double-fist
a space opera before.
Happy to not look.
Every sniper needs a marksman,
and I do not have one.
I'm happy to teach you, I guess,
but the training will be rigorous
- and it will not make us friends.
- No, thanks.
I can't imagine staring
at a screen this early.
If it's about StarRim,
please do not say anything.
Uh, no, no. It's, um my ex, Phillip,
just posted a picture with a girl.
I thought you guys broke up.
We did.
Yeah, we've we've
been broken up for months,
so he could date whoever
he wants to and so can I.
But you don't, and if you did,
I would really want to meet him first
so I could tell him the rules
on how to clean the skillets.
Also, am I crazy, Edward,
or does she look like me?
D Edward!
Doesn't she kinda look like me?
No. Her eyes pop and
aren't hooded like yours.
You can unpause your game now.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
$2 tip on a $4 coffee?
That's 50%.
Oh Oh, I I'm not stealing,
I'm just recalibrating the tip.
How often do you find your inability
to do simple math costs you money?
I don't know, like 40% of the time?
Or wait, no one-third?
Good grief. It's worse than I thought.
Okay, look, Rand, you may be
an award-winning mathematician,
but you're dead, so if
you're sticking around
to teach me some kind of lesson
while I write your obituary,
you could just go, because
I don't need your help.
Great, I have no interest in your life.
I spent mine trying to
solve the Rainbow Paradox,
and I plan on sticking
around to finish the job.
Preferably without some
millennial's vocal fry
buzzing in my ear like a gnat.
Good. Because I'm doing just fine.
Your eye makeup is garish.
Hey, you.
- How is everything?
- Great.
I haven't finished that
math guy's obit yet,
but everything seems
pretty straightforward.
Oh, honey, I am not talking
about that boring old nerd.
Wow, don't die in Pasadena.
I'm talking about
Phillip's post this morning.
You saw that?
Duh, he's a great follow.
Although, who is that girl?
Talk about uggo, am I right?
You don't have to say
that. I know she's stunning.
Oh, thank God. She is though, right?
Normally my type is, like,
a femme Rachel Maddow,
but I would make an
exception for that one.
This is what you guys talk about?
I worked at JPL.
There are telescopes named after me.
- Hey.
- It's fine.
- I'm fine.
- Well, you should be,
because that girl is hid-eh-oose Mozart.
- She's not.
- Ugh, I know.
Honestly, it's all good, okay?
I don't even care about that girl
and her very stylish necklace layering.
Phillip has moved on with his life
- and I'm moving on with mine.
- Wow!
I am very happy to hear you
say that because I would love
to be a caring friend to you right now,
but I have to run off to a meeting
that is just editors and not you.
Ohh, in retrospect, I
could have said that better.
It's okay. I'm good. Go.
- Okay.
- I don't need anything.
- Okay!
- Hey, psst, Mason, I need you.
Oh, hard pass, dawg.
Oh, listen, I have a very
urgent journalistic task for you,
falling under the newspaper's purview
and not at all driven
by personal emotion.
- So, like an assignment?
- Uh, yeah.
Exactly. Just like that.
Uh, you see this girl?
I need you to find out
everything you can about her.
Yeah, she's hot. I'll do it.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.
- Hey, you.
I heard you were down, so
I heated up a salad for you.
Oh, okay. Yeah. Alright, thanks, Tina.
Oh, no, the salad's still for me.
- I just made it in your honor.
- You
Oh, this is dire.
There's just no way to spin
this into an uplifting story.
I know. These numbers are devastating.
Look, she got eight likes.
I accidentally posted a photo
of my faucet and I still got 32.
Oh, your dish soap looked so cute.
Thank you.
We put it in a glass bottle
so we could feel like
we're in olden times.
Guys, we shouldn't be doing this.
We shouldn't be looking
at Nell's profile.
What we should be doing
is looking at Phillip's
to discuss how lame he
and his girlfriend are.
- I've got nothing.
- I fold.
It's like a Google image
search for the word "romance."
There's no way that
Nell's okay with this.
Rand, I don't have time for this.
It's not my fault that
you didn't finish it
before you were dead.
Should I be worried?
I mean, I already have one
employee who microwaves lettuces.
I can't afford two.
Nell's fine, okay?
She just needs, like, a little
nudge to get back out there.
I will set her up with someone
because I'm her best friend.
Excuse me, I'm actually an expert
in setting up straight people.
There are Springsteen fans,
and there are Billy Joel fans.
The trick is you never
cross the streams.
What exactly makes you an "expert"?
I have a gay moon and
a heterosexual rising,
otherwise known as bi.
So we'll be placing bets on this, right?
'Cause I'm gonna win.
- Nell!
- How?
I know rich guys.
So this is what the inside
of this room looks like.
Fancy. I'll have a wine
spritzer if you got 'em.
I'm kidding. I'll just stand here.
Nell, do you know why you
were called in here today?
You're finally gonna give me a feature?
A feature? You're hilarious.
Very funny. She's funny.
We should set her up with someone funny.
- Mm.
- Mm.
You guys are trying
to set me up on dates?
Okay, that is so inappropriate.
I'm a professional.
I am a woman journalist woman,
and my personal life doesn't
belong in the workplace.
Shame on you.
Hey, hey. So I got some
info on that smokeshow.
Apparently, she's on
the 30 Under 30 list
for London's Hottest Pastry Chefs.
And she used to be Woman
#3 in the P90x video.
And she's a vicar's daughter,
so you know she's freaky.
I changed my mind. Bring me the men.
Bring me all the men!
So, Dennis told me
that you were living
in London with your ex?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. How long were you there?
For five years.
Yeah, we were actually engaged.
Did he tell you that?
Should I tell you that? Should I not?
I don't know. Oh, I
You're the first person that
I've gone out with since him,
but that's probably pretty obvious.
I'm sorry. I'm really bad at this.
So, do you have any siblings?
- No. None.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, alright.
Alright. That's the end of that question.
No, hey, I get it. Dating sucks.
I have been at it for quite a while now.
But I actually found there's
a mathematical equation
that can determine
your one true soul mate.
I don't like this guy.
I have a pretty high EQ,
which is actually more
important than the IQ.
It is not. Real scientists have created
something called the
five love languages.
- They have not.
- Hmm. Right.
I read about this on a plane.
Okay, then, um, how
about on the count of three,
we each call out our own love language
to see how compatible we are.
- Okay.
- Alright.
One, two, three.
- Acts of service.
- Gifting.
- Ohh.
- What? What's wrong?
My ex was a gifty like you.
I don't think this is gonna work.
You don't even know if
I'm anything like her.
Your wants come first.
You want to drain my bank
account and live the fast life.
So, do you like bagels?
I don't eat food with holes in it.
Well, it was, um, very nice of you
to adamantly walk me home,
even though I did say several times
I could do it on my own.
- Acts of service.
- Okay, you know,
I I think you may be putting
too much stock into that stuff.
- Huh.
- Hi, I'm Edward, Nell's roommate.
If you're gonna be staying
with us, two things
one, good for you, get it,
and two, there's a couple of things
I want you to know about
how we clean the skillets.
Edward. Please. He's leaving.
I guess we have nothing
left to talk about.
Maybe I spoke too soon.
Yeah, unfortunately it just
wasn't a match with Ross.
Yeah, I don't understand
that. You both like Billy Joel.
Well, at least my
roommate got his number.
Turns out, they're both
into some space opera.
Ugh, God, I started a bromance.
- Yes, you did.
- What am I, "Top Gun"?
Nell, so glad you're here.
There is someone I
would like you to meet.
Hm. Where Where is he?
Just give it a second.
He's coming.
- He was right behind me.
- Mm-hmm.
It's gonna be worth it. Just
Oh, no. Alistair.
Ah. Salutations.
Oh, not to me, to her.
Can everyone see him, or is it just me?
This is a dear friend of my
family, Alistair Banister.
And before anyone asks, yes,
Banister of the handrails fortune.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Thank you for helping
me stay on the stairs.
Yes, Alistair has come
to take you to dinner.
It's 3:30.
- Yeah.
- E E Excuse me, Lexi.
I hope you don't mind,
but I have to go make water.
I'll be back in an hour.
- I hope you don't mind eating late.
- Mm.
Isn't he great?
He is so rich, he has someone
who bathes and feeds him.
I don't think that's a rich thing.
Okay, look, guys, I really
appreciate you trying to help,
but I just
I'm starting to think
that I I'm just
I'm not ready for this. I'm sorry.
I think I nearly figured it out!
Great because I thought about it,
and if you want to solve
my problems, too, you can.
Well, that depends.
Is one of your problems
the square root of four?
I get it, I suck at math, okay?
Well, I suck at humans.
Relationships aren't
predictable like numbers.
They're, like, unsolvable equations.
That's why I stay away from people.
Maybe that's the lesson you
were supposed to teach me, Rand.
Maybe I'm like you.
- Maybe I'm not a relationship person.
- Hmm.
Yeah. Thanks.
I guess I could send that obit now.
Oh, I think I solved it! I
just need to carry the one
It's probably fine.
What is that?
It's an everything bagel,
but it's still not enough.
- Give me that.
- Oh. What?
Hey! I was gonna 'gram that!
What is going on with you?
Are you really not okay?
I was until you threw out my bagel.
Okay, look, it's understandable
that you would be upset
after everything that happened,
and it fully sucks that Phillip
found someone that can even,
like, roll up her jeans
in a really cute way.
She was wearing a skirt in that photo.
I may have done a deep dive.
You're not just gonna magically
wake up one day and be okay,
but you have to take that first step.
I mean, think about
how many terrible dates
I went on before I met Keith.
- Wasn't Keith one of them?
- No.
He wore khakis to Coachella.
We have moved on from
that. Yes, we have.
And you need to move on, too,
so go on one more date, alright?
We'll keep it casual.
We'll go for some wine.
He's really hot.
- How hot?
- Hotter than Phillip.
Crab apples. That was a long one.
Well, don't you look hotsy-totsy.
Okay, I'll go.
So, Ari, uh, what do you
think of love languages?
Is that, like, a British reality show?
Sorry, I'm not really aware
of anything that's happened in the world
since my kids were born.
Ah, you haven't missed much.
Except for the fact that we found out
that Britney was not
free, and we freed her.
You're funny, Nell. You
were right about her, Sam.
I know.
I shouldn't have said
that out loud. Sorry.
I have not been on a date in a while.
Oh, I totally get it.
- You're doing great.
- Thanks.
Uh, I heard that you spent
the last five years in London.
- So exciting.
- Yeah.
Me, I feel like I've been
kind of cooped up with my kids.
But honestly, fatherhood
has totally changed my life.
Yeah, I feel like I was
born to be a dad, you know?
It wasn't until I met my
kids that I really met myself.
- Ah.
- Aww.
Enough Dad talk. Sorry.
- No, it's fine.
- Great!
Because, um, my son
just started swim lessons
and I feel like it's totally
gonna change his life.
I was just saying
that about swim lessons.
Wasn't I just saying that
about swim lessons, Nell?
Tell him I was just saying
that about swim lessons.
She was just saying
that about swim lessons.
Oh, that's the sitter. Excuse me.
What did I tell you? So hot.
Knocked that one out of the park.
- He's so hot
- I know.
- for you.
- What?
- Come on.
- Come on.
Sam, he's amazing, but he
is just totally not my type.
He is your type.
Are you joking? He is everyone's type.
Hey, I'm sorry. I need
to go home right now.
My kid has a temperature of 98.
Wait, is that too low or too high?
- It could be either.
- Could it?
Uh, can you drive me home, Sam?
I I'm way too upset to drive.
Me? Uh, sure.
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah, no, he's weird. I'm over it.
- Cricket?
- Mm-hmm?
Do you think love is
an unsolvable equation?
Why would you say that?
Well, it was just
something someone told me.
Well, that dork probably never had
a real relationship in their life.
Love is not to be solved.
Honey, it's to be felt.
- Oh.
- You know, Monty and I,
we didn't meet till I was older,
when I least expected to meet anyone.
And, even then, it took a
minute before I realized,
"Oh, this is it."
A connection can come
when you don't expect it.
Ugh. So what are you supposed to do?
Just, like, wait?
Stop trying to force everything.
The door to the past
will close on its own.
Unlike your bar tab.
"The hot pastry chef
just donated all her hair
to build a nest for eagles.
She's even hotter now."
Thanks, Mason. Ugh.
I hear that really opens up the palate.
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
It's fine. I I'm fine.
No, it's just you seem upset.
Well, I Yeah, I'm a grown-ass woman
that's about to raise her voice
to a stranger at a wine bar,
so, yeah, no, that's not really fine.
And actually, this
past week was not fine,
and neither have the past five years.
So, come to think of it, no.
- No, I'm definitely not fine.
- Okay.
Do you wanna talk about it?
This is the photo. Can
you see why I'm upset?
I don't know.
It seems like you really
shut down that buffet.
No, not that one.
- This one.
- Oh.
It's of my ex and his
new girlfriend, I guess.
She is not ugly.
- Ohh.
- But neither are you.
Thank you, but I can't
compete with this
this big-eyed pastry chef.
She looks like a Pixar character.
And it feels so pointed.
I mean, he knows I love pastries.
I think everybody does
after the buffet photo.
It was It was a lot.
Oh, I'm sorry for unleashing on you.
This is ugh.
I am just a disaster.
No. No, you're not.
Honestly, it's comforting.
I I just ended a relationship also.
- It sucks.
- Yeah.
- Do you, uh, still talk to your ex?
- No. Um
She was great, but things
ended and that was that.
- And you're not secretly married?
- No.
- And you're not a psycho?
- No.
And you swear you don't
actually like improv?
Yes. And I can't even pretend.
No, I don't.
I don't like it at all.
So you're pretty
great. What's the catch?
Come on, there's gotta be one.
Well, or maybe this is just
us meeting at the right time.
Both of us out of relationships,
not really sure how to move forward.
- Oh, that's weird, though.
- No, but it happens.
- Does it?
- Yeah.
Yeah, something out of the blue
and it's not terrible?
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
"A connection can happen
when you least expect it."
- I like that.
- Mm.
Days pass ♪
- The sprinklers were on.
- Get inside. You're shivering.
Fills my heart ♪
Wow, this place is pretty cool.
- Let's not ruin this by talking.
- When I want to run away ♪
Thank you.
You sure you don't want one?
Nope. I don't do carbs.
- So you are a psycho.
- Wow.
But whichever way I go ♪
So it begins.
I come back to the place you are ♪
All my instincts, they return ♪
- Oh.
- The grand facade ♪
Coaster. Coasters, please.
What is that? What are y
What are you looking at?
Are you looking at a walkthrough?!
I can't handle this endless maze.
Space is too infinite!
This is only gonna work if you trust me.
- Do you trust me, Ross?
- I do.
Thank you. What?
Nothing. I just think it's cool
that you weren't embarrassed
to get another one.
Is that a compliment or an insult?
Everything I've said
to you is a compliment.
- Oh.
- Your eyes ♪
Okay, now I'm embarrassed
to get another one.
Your eyes ♪
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
You're saving the galaxy!
- Oh, yes!
- Whoo!
- You did it, Ross.
- No.
We did it.
Okay, that'll do.
You can go now.
Did we just walk the entire night?
I guess so. Look at us being cliché.
Catching a sunrise on a brand-new day.
- Would you take a photo with me?
- Yeah.
You wanna rub it in Phillip's face?
No, I don't wanna post it.
- I, um I just want it for me.
- Okay.
So, how do two people who
just met pose together?
- Back-to-back.
- Yeah?
Buddy-cop style. It's obvious.
- Alright. Okay.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- I get so tired ♪
- Okay, ready?
- You good?
- Yup.
- Okay.
Working so hard for our survival ♪
Okay, I'm gonna check it.
I historically take terrible photos,
but I have a good
feeling about this one.
- Yeah.
- I look to the time with you ♪
And all my instincts they return ♪
And there's the catch.
And the grand facade,
so soon will burn ♪
Without a noise, without my pride ♪
Oh, God. This is even worse.
I can't believe she's posting this.
There's honestly
something forlorn about it.
I don't know. I kinda like it.
Because I won!
I got the successful match, so pay up.
Is this a success?
She got most of the salad in his mouth,
so, yeah, I'd say that's a win.
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