Not Going Out (2006) s05e01 Episode Script
Band
What's that? It's called a vegetable.
You should have some on top of your Wagon Wheel next time.
It'll help with your rickets.
You've made your schoolgirl error there, haven't you? Although generally accepted nowadays as a vegetable, the cucumber is in fact, a fruit.
all knowledge, did you? No, I had you down as a vegetable as well.
Why are you slicing them? I thought you were having a bath.
It's for my eyes.
Better with Or without? With Or without? Well, seeing as I'm looking at you With! Is this all in preparation for your big night out tonight? I'm not going out.
Yeah, you are, you've got a ticket to a concert.
A ticket to what concert, Lee? A ticket to a concert I never told you about, tucked away at the bottom of my handbag? That's a small venue.
Who's on? Prince? Sorry I went in your bag.
A fundraiser came to the door, collecting for a diabetes charity.
It made me realise I really wanted a Mars bar.
How did you know I had a Mars bar in my bag? You've always got a Mars bar in your bag.
Next time, you should have it with a bit of lettuce on top.
It'll help with your hypocrisy.
Please don't root through my bag again.
You're not my husband, you're my lodger.
How would you like it if I constantly rifled through your pockets? If you must know, the ticket was an unwanted gift.
From who? 'Whom', Lee.
What, that Korean bloke down at the garage? It was from Daisy.
She's going to some 'battle of the bands' night.
But I've decided I don't want to go.
If you're not using the ticket, I might go.
No, you can't.
Why not? Because last time you went to a music gig, they all had spiked Mohicans and safety pins through their noses.
Yeah, well S Club 7 were better before they went all commercial.
Come on, let me have your ticket.
No.
All right, forget it then.
Look, I'm sorry.
It's just that I promised I wouldn't tell you about it.
Promised who? One of the singers.
If it's Gina G, that restraining order expired years ago.
Look, it's Tim, all right? Tim's joined a band and he doesn't want you there because he thinks you'll take the Mickey.
Tim? In a band? Yes.
Your brother, Tim? Yes.
Tall fella, light hair? Is it that hard to imagine Tim fronting a band? If it's a marching band and he's twirling a baton, no, but a rock band? So why aren't you going to watch? I just think it might be a bit embarrassing.
and you don't want to see that? It's going to be brilliant! Come on.
You know you want to.
Fine, I'll go on my own.
It'll be easier to throw tomatoes at him if you're not there to stop me.
Wow, you've just managed to name three vegetables in the last five minutes.
Two more, it'll be the first time in your life you've had your five a day.
Tomatoes are a fruit.
Shut up! Hard to imagine, isn't it? Tim backstage at a rock gig.
I wonder where he is? There we go.
A bag of dolly mixtures and Robinsons Fruit Shoot.
I think we're getting close.
Listen, when we see him, don't say anything to undermine his confidence.
Lucy, give me some credit, he's my best mate.
I'll just offer words of encouragement.
Good God! Ozzy Osbourne's been tangoed! How did he find out about this? It was on Radio One.
They did a big feature about you.
Did they? Very funny.
I'm sorry, Tim.
What could I do? He found the ticket.
Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! When do we get to meet Willy Wonka? I dunno, but I think we've just met a six foot Oompa-Loompa.
I accidentally laid out in the garden a bit too long.
What, until someone thought you were a bench and varnished you? It's a spray tan for the act.
Why? Are you bringing back the Minstrels? You've criticised my skin and my dress sense.
Anything else you'd like to take a pop at? I'd go for the ear piercing.
Sorry.
I see you've gone for the left ear.
That's the gay one, isn't it? It's not actually because I Googled it.
The right one's the gay ear.
How can you have a gay ear? It's like having straight teeth.
Or bi-focals.
Very good.
Oh, yeah.
Or a lesbian ankle.
Well, at least I'm not sticking to the same look I've had since 1993.
You wouldn't know where to go for a piercing.
Yeah, exactly.
But we do.
Claire's Accessories.
Right dude, we're on next.
Stop chatting up the ladies.
Though I can see why you'd been tempted.
What's not to like? Because it would be incest? Well, wish me luck.
Tim, are you sure you want to do this? Yeah, why don't you forget all about it, go home and run yourself a nice hot bath of creosote remover.
Oh, you're really enjoying this, aren't you? Well, just you wait until I'm out there on stage.
You won't be enjoying it then.
Blimey, they're not a very forgiving crowd, are they? Forgiving? Jesus would find it hard not to throw his sandals.
You don't deserve to live! Well, someone's got to be the Simon Cowell figure.
Boo! Boo! Off! Off! Off! - That was Yellow Snow.
- BOO! Next up, give it up for The Auditors.
Sorry, darling.
Didn't realise it was you.
He's not going to do banter with the crowd, is he? Please, no.
I told him to say just hello.
Please just hello, Tim.
How do you do, London? Oh, God.
Or perhaps I should say Blackpool.
Why Blackpool? Because now's the time for us to provide you with some rock! I'm going to be sick.
I need to get out of here before he says, "Here's a little ditty".
And here's a little ditty that goes by the name of Viva Las Vegas.
Hit it! This is great.
Go, Tim! Somewhere in a parallel universe, Alice Cooper is advising someone on the tax advantages of a cash ISA.
Did you write this one, darling? Dance! What a winker Here he is, the champion! Don't make me get security! You were amazing, Tim.
You so deserved to win.
Oh well, it was only the heat.
Yeah, but we're in the final now.
And if we win that, who knows what lies ahead.
Yeah, Tim, the future's bright, the future's Shut it! You not going to introduce your friends? Oh no, it's fine, we all know each other.
This is Lee, Daisy, and I believe you two have already met.
Hope you didn't mind the kiss.
Why me? There were so many other people in there? I only saw you.
You might want to get that checked out, it sounds like cataracts.
I'm Lucy, Tim's sister.
Hi Lucy, Tim's sister.
I'm Stretch.
Stretch? Where were you conceived, Parkhurst? It's a childhood nickname, it stuck.
I like it, you know, the purity of it.
If people can sum you up in one word.
I've got one.
Lots of big musicians only go by one name.
You know, Seal, Bono, Sting.
H from Steps.
That's just one letter, how cool is that? Well, why not go further? Prince changed his name to a symbol.
That's good, I like it.
Maybe I'll do that.
Yeah, like that bloke from Guns 'n' Roses who changed it to a punctuation mark.
You know, Slash.
Maybe you could change yours to Apostrophe.
Or Comma.
You certainly made me pause for breath.
Or Colon.
Tim tells me you're the brains behind the whole operation.
Yeah, I suppose you could see me as the Lennon of the band.
He doesn't mean the Russian leader.
Otherwise he'd have said Marx.
You know, stretch marks.
If I'm John Lennon, that makes you the poppy one, Tim, McCartney.
So if we're John and Paul, Daisy must be Oh, I know.
Roger.
What? Sorry, are we not doing the twelve disciples? The Beatles.
And if I'm Paul McCartney, that makes you my girlfriend, Jane Asher.
Yeah, or Heather Mills.
Or Jane Asher.
Or I could be Linda McCartney.
Jane Asher.
Be Jane Asher.
See, I think I prefer You're Jane Asher! We need to find a role for you.
If I'm John Lennon, how about making you, Yoko? Oh, good God.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
Mark Chapman, pleased to meet you.
Well, I thought you were amazing.
And to think I nearly didn't come until Lee talked me into it.
It's true.
She was going to spend the evening in a bath with a cucumber.
Anyway, I'm going to have a quick chat with George and Ringo.
I'll see you later, alligator.
In a while dickhead.
I'm taking it you didn't enjoy tonight then? You were all right.
Everyone likes a novelty act.
Jedward, Mr Blobby, Keith Harris and Orville.
Are you sure it's not just the green-eyed monster talking, Lee? That's what I always thought, but actually Keith Harris does the talking.
The monster just moves its mouth.
I could be so good for you Love you like you want me to I'd do anything for you I'll be so good for you Piece of shit! What are you doing? Just fancied a jam.
Thought I'd try out a few licks.
And what did you do after you'd finished licking the jam? Is that when the borrower came in and lent you his violin? It's all they had in the Cancer Research shop.
You just bought that? Why? Do you need a reason to save a life? You'll have to make yourself scarce tomorrow.
I told Stretch he can use this place to rehearse with the band.
Why are you letting a loser like that hang around the flat? Force of habit? You got back late last night.
I went back to Stretch's place.
Oh, yeah? There were a few of us there, it wasn't just me.
What was it, a drugs orgy? No.
Stretch doesn't do drugs.
Says it restricts his flow.
I have the same problem with scotch eggs.
So what did you do? Nothing much.
Stretch played us some songs he'd written.
They were really good, actually.
Reminded me of Nick Drake.
Oh, get lost! He's a sad old waste of space who still thinks he's 17.
If he's Nick Drake, I'm Donald Duck.
Well, if you insist on sitting round with no trousers and making an incomprehensible racket And he's not a waste of space.
He also manages to work for a living.
Well, he's meant to be a sailor, but you never see him on a ship.
Not Donald Duck.
So if I sing a song or play the guitar, it's annoying.
But if Stretch does it, it's cool.
Yes, because Stretch is a real musician, in an actual band, who play proper gigs.
You're sat in your pants with a Fisher Price toy playing the theme tune to Minder.
Stretch said he might write a song for me, actually.
Oh, big deal.
Anyone can think of a few words that rhyme with 'Lucy'.
Go on then.
Moosey.
Oh, beautiful.
Now I know how Robbie Williams' mother felt when she first heard 'Angels'.
All right, not moosey.
Juicy.
Oh Lucy, you are so juicy.
Please don't be choosey.
Why don't you seduce me in your Jacuzzi.
Made by Zanussi.
Have you finished? Kriss Akabusi.
It's like being chatted up by Dr Seuss.
Dr Seussy.
Listen, I could join a band as well if I wanted to.
Well, let me know when you're ready.
I'll help you strap the cymbals to your knees.
You? Join the band? Yeah.
Why not? Because Look at you.
Pardon? Look, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the fact is, well, you're just not very cool.
That's like being told I'm uncool by I genuinely can't think of anyone worse.
Listen, I may not look as hip as Bruno Brookes or Dave Lee Travis, but I've got what it takes.
Come on, I've always wanted to be in a band.
No.
And anyway, it's not my decision, Stretch is in charge.
And he's going to be back up here in a minute, so just leave.
Come on, Tim.
Imagine it, me and you, best mates, living the rock 'n' roll lifestyle together.
We'll live fast and be dead by 30.
All right, 40.
5.
All right, early 50s.
In fact, not dead at all.
We'll go on forever just like Status Quo.
With two guitarists? Exactly, just like Status Quo.
You've certainly changed your tune.
Exactly, just like Actually forget that one.
Come on, Tim, I love your band.
It's just your guitar player I don't like.
Admit it, this isn't about the band, or about me, once again it's about your obsession with my sister.
Oh, change the record.
Record? Get with it, Grandad.
All right, shuffle your iPod Nanoo.
I'm not asking Stretch if you can join the band, so will you please leave? OK.
Fine.
I just felt I was losing my best mate a bit and I suppose I was just trying to find some way of clinging on.
But I'll leave you to have fun with your new friends.
I've always dreamt of being in a band.
And if I was in the band, I'd make them play the songs you really love.
Put that down now, it belongs to Stretch.
Looking back I could have played it differently.
I don't like this stuff anymore, actually.
Perfect situations can go wrong I'm in a rock band now.
My Elaine Page days are over.
But it has never yet prevented me Thinking you can win me over like a schoolgirl.
Wanting far too much for far too long Pathetic! Wasn't it good Oh, so good Wasn't it fine Oh, so fine Isn't it madness He can't be mine But in the end He needs a little bit more than me More security! He needs his fantasy and freedom I know him so The ace of spades The ace of spades The ace of spades The ace of spades.
We don't need another band member.
I know.
It's just that Lee and I are best friends and I think he's feeling a bit left out.
A bit left out? We're in band, not a sandpit.
I'm telling you, he's holding you back.
Lose him.
I can't do that.
We're best friends.
Well, that's a shame.
The scrapheap of the music biz is littered with the nice guys.
Joe Dolce Rick Astley Chesney Hawkes.
Exactly.
It is possible to be a nice guy and still a credible artist.
Listen, Tim, it's the final of Battle Of The Bands in a few days, and I haven't got time for hangers-on.
Lucy would be pleased.
She's trying to get him out the house more.
Well, long enough to change the locks anyway.
So, you play a bit, do you? Yeah.
Big guitar player, me.
More chords than Tim's wardrobe.
You been playing long? Well, I grew up in a musical environment.
Is that right? Yeah.
A big hill in Switzerland surrounded by Nazis.
There was three of us, Doe, Ray and me.
Thanks.
Do you want to move in permanently? And what sort of music are you into? You know, the old stuff.
Dylan when he was still acoustic.
Michael Jackson when he was still black.
Tim when he was still white.
Tim says there's something you want to ask me.
Yeah.
Can I join the band? That one wasn't a joke! Tell you what, maybe we could use you.
OK, you're in.
Brilliant! I'll get us all a drink.
Who fancies a cup of tea? I could use a stiff bourbon.
No problems.
I'll get the biscuit tin.
Roadie? Bloody roadie? Nothing wrong with being a roadie, mate.
Noel Gallagher started out as a roadie.
Well, there you go.
Look at him now.
Presenting Deal Or No Deal six nights a week.
If my heart was a drummer, I'd have to give it the sack.
Why? Cos every time it sees you, it misses a beat.
I don't suppose it knows anything by Massive Attack, does it? Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa.
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa.
So it's not just rock stars you impersonate? You can do Ronnie Barker in Open All Hours as well, can you? Big final tonight, rock star? How's the roadying going, Lee? I'm not just a roadie.
I'm more of a manager/producer.
Well, you'd better produce some tea and biscuits, then.
Come on, Doris, chop chop.
Why don't you try doing what Tim's doing? What do you mean? Fa fa fa fa fa Cough.
Look, if you don't want to be involved in the band anymore, there's the door.
I mean, I'll miss the custard creams but I'm sure I'll have other things to keep me occupied.
No, it's all right.
I'll stick around, keep an eye on things.
How do you like your coffee? I like my coffee like I like my women.
Oh, please mess this up and say extra large.
Hot, sweet and first thing in the morning.
That's funny, cos I like my coffee like I like my guitar players.
With boiling hot water poured on it.
I finished the song.
My song? Yeah.
I've called it "Lucy".
That's so sweet.
Elvis, take a pew.
There you go.
I can't sing this.
But you're the singer.
Sing.
She's my sister.
Isn't that a bit? Sing.
Oh, Lucy I want to take you on the blue sea I want you to draw me in.
I'm not entirely comfortable with Sing.
I see you naked in the moonlight Let me touch your skin.
There's no way I'm doing the next bit.
Chorus! Want to take you home Want to make you moan Let's go to bed and have some fun I'll bring the hotdog You bring the bun Oh, Lucy Let's make love tonight.
That was beautiful.
The Auditors.
You're up next.
Crap.
I've left my jacket in the van.
Doris, be a good girl.
Go get it.
Yeah, and hurry up.
If we win this final tonight, who knows what it'll lead to.
Carry on with that fake tan, you might be up for a MOBO.
Are you the roadie with The Auditors? Yeah.
Well, tell Stretch I said it's over.
And tell him he can have this eternity ring back.
And he can have his flat keys back as well.
Please tell me you haven't got any of his furniture.
No, but I've these he might want back.
I found them under his bed.
It's the lyrics to the song he supposedly wrote for me.
I thought this song was called Lucy and he was going to "take her on the blue sea.
" Yeah, well, my name's Grace and he was going to "take me to another place.
" Just like he was going to "take Marie and set her free.
" "Take June to the moon.
" "Take Eva and never leave her.
" And "take Miss Pippy up the Mississippi.
" Good job he never dated Samantha Janus.
Hey, Doris.
Where's my jacket? If you want your jacket, you can get some other idiot to fetch it.
All right.
Tim, get my jacket.
Hang on, Tim.
I know you all think the sun shines out of this man's plectrum, but I'm afraid to tell you there's about half a dozen other Lucys out there.
So then who the hell is this one? And that song he wrote for you, he wrote for loads of women.
Look, pussycat.
Please don't call me pussycat.
This really sticks in the throat.
Probably fur balls.
What an arse.
Right, I'm out of here.
Hang on, the competition.
What's the point? Something tells me I'm not getting the prize I really came for.
He meant intercourse with We know what he meant.
Well, thank you very much.
Well, the words were right, but can you try it without the eye-popping, orange-coloured sarcasm? I've just rescued your sister from a man who makes Warren Beatty look like Mother Teresa.
Actually now he's getting older, he does look a bit like her, doesn't he? Can't you go on stage without him? How can we perform without a lead guitarist? Come on, let's go.
Hang on.
You need a guitar player.
You're looking at one.
But you don't know any of our songs.
No.
But I know a few other good ones.
Wow.
What a night.
I'm surprised you can remember any of it, you were that concussed.
Well, it's a bit hazy, but that's rock and roll for you.
The bright lights, the drugs.
That was the paramedics.
The women shouting, throwing underwear at me.
That was me trying to get you dressed again in A and E.
Shame we didn't win.
Well, it wasn't just the injury.
I don't think the crowd were that keen on the Elaine Page and Barbara Dickson number either.
Yeah, looking back I should have played it differently.
Sorry it didn't work out between you and Stretch.
Don't worry.
A relationship can't end if it hasn't even begun.
Yeah, but you were thinking about it.
All right, I admit I was slightly dazzled by his rock star image.
And what about when I was up there? Was I sex, drugs and rock and roll? A bit more like rumpy pumpy, Calpol and Shakin' Stevens.
Anyway, my guitar-playing days are behind me.
I've decided to settle on a far more tranquil instrument.
Very funny.
You're joking right? Please tell me you're joking.
He's joking.
Oh, God.
You should have some on top of your Wagon Wheel next time.
It'll help with your rickets.
You've made your schoolgirl error there, haven't you? Although generally accepted nowadays as a vegetable, the cucumber is in fact, a fruit.
all knowledge, did you? No, I had you down as a vegetable as well.
Why are you slicing them? I thought you were having a bath.
It's for my eyes.
Better with Or without? With Or without? Well, seeing as I'm looking at you With! Is this all in preparation for your big night out tonight? I'm not going out.
Yeah, you are, you've got a ticket to a concert.
A ticket to what concert, Lee? A ticket to a concert I never told you about, tucked away at the bottom of my handbag? That's a small venue.
Who's on? Prince? Sorry I went in your bag.
A fundraiser came to the door, collecting for a diabetes charity.
It made me realise I really wanted a Mars bar.
How did you know I had a Mars bar in my bag? You've always got a Mars bar in your bag.
Next time, you should have it with a bit of lettuce on top.
It'll help with your hypocrisy.
Please don't root through my bag again.
You're not my husband, you're my lodger.
How would you like it if I constantly rifled through your pockets? If you must know, the ticket was an unwanted gift.
From who? 'Whom', Lee.
What, that Korean bloke down at the garage? It was from Daisy.
She's going to some 'battle of the bands' night.
But I've decided I don't want to go.
If you're not using the ticket, I might go.
No, you can't.
Why not? Because last time you went to a music gig, they all had spiked Mohicans and safety pins through their noses.
Yeah, well S Club 7 were better before they went all commercial.
Come on, let me have your ticket.
No.
All right, forget it then.
Look, I'm sorry.
It's just that I promised I wouldn't tell you about it.
Promised who? One of the singers.
If it's Gina G, that restraining order expired years ago.
Look, it's Tim, all right? Tim's joined a band and he doesn't want you there because he thinks you'll take the Mickey.
Tim? In a band? Yes.
Your brother, Tim? Yes.
Tall fella, light hair? Is it that hard to imagine Tim fronting a band? If it's a marching band and he's twirling a baton, no, but a rock band? So why aren't you going to watch? I just think it might be a bit embarrassing.
and you don't want to see that? It's going to be brilliant! Come on.
You know you want to.
Fine, I'll go on my own.
It'll be easier to throw tomatoes at him if you're not there to stop me.
Wow, you've just managed to name three vegetables in the last five minutes.
Two more, it'll be the first time in your life you've had your five a day.
Tomatoes are a fruit.
Shut up! Hard to imagine, isn't it? Tim backstage at a rock gig.
I wonder where he is? There we go.
A bag of dolly mixtures and Robinsons Fruit Shoot.
I think we're getting close.
Listen, when we see him, don't say anything to undermine his confidence.
Lucy, give me some credit, he's my best mate.
I'll just offer words of encouragement.
Good God! Ozzy Osbourne's been tangoed! How did he find out about this? It was on Radio One.
They did a big feature about you.
Did they? Very funny.
I'm sorry, Tim.
What could I do? He found the ticket.
Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! When do we get to meet Willy Wonka? I dunno, but I think we've just met a six foot Oompa-Loompa.
I accidentally laid out in the garden a bit too long.
What, until someone thought you were a bench and varnished you? It's a spray tan for the act.
Why? Are you bringing back the Minstrels? You've criticised my skin and my dress sense.
Anything else you'd like to take a pop at? I'd go for the ear piercing.
Sorry.
I see you've gone for the left ear.
That's the gay one, isn't it? It's not actually because I Googled it.
The right one's the gay ear.
How can you have a gay ear? It's like having straight teeth.
Or bi-focals.
Very good.
Oh, yeah.
Or a lesbian ankle.
Well, at least I'm not sticking to the same look I've had since 1993.
You wouldn't know where to go for a piercing.
Yeah, exactly.
But we do.
Claire's Accessories.
Right dude, we're on next.
Stop chatting up the ladies.
Though I can see why you'd been tempted.
What's not to like? Because it would be incest? Well, wish me luck.
Tim, are you sure you want to do this? Yeah, why don't you forget all about it, go home and run yourself a nice hot bath of creosote remover.
Oh, you're really enjoying this, aren't you? Well, just you wait until I'm out there on stage.
You won't be enjoying it then.
Blimey, they're not a very forgiving crowd, are they? Forgiving? Jesus would find it hard not to throw his sandals.
You don't deserve to live! Well, someone's got to be the Simon Cowell figure.
Boo! Boo! Off! Off! Off! - That was Yellow Snow.
- BOO! Next up, give it up for The Auditors.
Sorry, darling.
Didn't realise it was you.
He's not going to do banter with the crowd, is he? Please, no.
I told him to say just hello.
Please just hello, Tim.
How do you do, London? Oh, God.
Or perhaps I should say Blackpool.
Why Blackpool? Because now's the time for us to provide you with some rock! I'm going to be sick.
I need to get out of here before he says, "Here's a little ditty".
And here's a little ditty that goes by the name of Viva Las Vegas.
Hit it! This is great.
Go, Tim! Somewhere in a parallel universe, Alice Cooper is advising someone on the tax advantages of a cash ISA.
Did you write this one, darling? Dance! What a winker Here he is, the champion! Don't make me get security! You were amazing, Tim.
You so deserved to win.
Oh well, it was only the heat.
Yeah, but we're in the final now.
And if we win that, who knows what lies ahead.
Yeah, Tim, the future's bright, the future's Shut it! You not going to introduce your friends? Oh no, it's fine, we all know each other.
This is Lee, Daisy, and I believe you two have already met.
Hope you didn't mind the kiss.
Why me? There were so many other people in there? I only saw you.
You might want to get that checked out, it sounds like cataracts.
I'm Lucy, Tim's sister.
Hi Lucy, Tim's sister.
I'm Stretch.
Stretch? Where were you conceived, Parkhurst? It's a childhood nickname, it stuck.
I like it, you know, the purity of it.
If people can sum you up in one word.
I've got one.
Lots of big musicians only go by one name.
You know, Seal, Bono, Sting.
H from Steps.
That's just one letter, how cool is that? Well, why not go further? Prince changed his name to a symbol.
That's good, I like it.
Maybe I'll do that.
Yeah, like that bloke from Guns 'n' Roses who changed it to a punctuation mark.
You know, Slash.
Maybe you could change yours to Apostrophe.
Or Comma.
You certainly made me pause for breath.
Or Colon.
Tim tells me you're the brains behind the whole operation.
Yeah, I suppose you could see me as the Lennon of the band.
He doesn't mean the Russian leader.
Otherwise he'd have said Marx.
You know, stretch marks.
If I'm John Lennon, that makes you the poppy one, Tim, McCartney.
So if we're John and Paul, Daisy must be Oh, I know.
Roger.
What? Sorry, are we not doing the twelve disciples? The Beatles.
And if I'm Paul McCartney, that makes you my girlfriend, Jane Asher.
Yeah, or Heather Mills.
Or Jane Asher.
Or I could be Linda McCartney.
Jane Asher.
Be Jane Asher.
See, I think I prefer You're Jane Asher! We need to find a role for you.
If I'm John Lennon, how about making you, Yoko? Oh, good God.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
Mark Chapman, pleased to meet you.
Well, I thought you were amazing.
And to think I nearly didn't come until Lee talked me into it.
It's true.
She was going to spend the evening in a bath with a cucumber.
Anyway, I'm going to have a quick chat with George and Ringo.
I'll see you later, alligator.
In a while dickhead.
I'm taking it you didn't enjoy tonight then? You were all right.
Everyone likes a novelty act.
Jedward, Mr Blobby, Keith Harris and Orville.
Are you sure it's not just the green-eyed monster talking, Lee? That's what I always thought, but actually Keith Harris does the talking.
The monster just moves its mouth.
I could be so good for you Love you like you want me to I'd do anything for you I'll be so good for you Piece of shit! What are you doing? Just fancied a jam.
Thought I'd try out a few licks.
And what did you do after you'd finished licking the jam? Is that when the borrower came in and lent you his violin? It's all they had in the Cancer Research shop.
You just bought that? Why? Do you need a reason to save a life? You'll have to make yourself scarce tomorrow.
I told Stretch he can use this place to rehearse with the band.
Why are you letting a loser like that hang around the flat? Force of habit? You got back late last night.
I went back to Stretch's place.
Oh, yeah? There were a few of us there, it wasn't just me.
What was it, a drugs orgy? No.
Stretch doesn't do drugs.
Says it restricts his flow.
I have the same problem with scotch eggs.
So what did you do? Nothing much.
Stretch played us some songs he'd written.
They were really good, actually.
Reminded me of Nick Drake.
Oh, get lost! He's a sad old waste of space who still thinks he's 17.
If he's Nick Drake, I'm Donald Duck.
Well, if you insist on sitting round with no trousers and making an incomprehensible racket And he's not a waste of space.
He also manages to work for a living.
Well, he's meant to be a sailor, but you never see him on a ship.
Not Donald Duck.
So if I sing a song or play the guitar, it's annoying.
But if Stretch does it, it's cool.
Yes, because Stretch is a real musician, in an actual band, who play proper gigs.
You're sat in your pants with a Fisher Price toy playing the theme tune to Minder.
Stretch said he might write a song for me, actually.
Oh, big deal.
Anyone can think of a few words that rhyme with 'Lucy'.
Go on then.
Moosey.
Oh, beautiful.
Now I know how Robbie Williams' mother felt when she first heard 'Angels'.
All right, not moosey.
Juicy.
Oh Lucy, you are so juicy.
Please don't be choosey.
Why don't you seduce me in your Jacuzzi.
Made by Zanussi.
Have you finished? Kriss Akabusi.
It's like being chatted up by Dr Seuss.
Dr Seussy.
Listen, I could join a band as well if I wanted to.
Well, let me know when you're ready.
I'll help you strap the cymbals to your knees.
You? Join the band? Yeah.
Why not? Because Look at you.
Pardon? Look, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the fact is, well, you're just not very cool.
That's like being told I'm uncool by I genuinely can't think of anyone worse.
Listen, I may not look as hip as Bruno Brookes or Dave Lee Travis, but I've got what it takes.
Come on, I've always wanted to be in a band.
No.
And anyway, it's not my decision, Stretch is in charge.
And he's going to be back up here in a minute, so just leave.
Come on, Tim.
Imagine it, me and you, best mates, living the rock 'n' roll lifestyle together.
We'll live fast and be dead by 30.
All right, 40.
5.
All right, early 50s.
In fact, not dead at all.
We'll go on forever just like Status Quo.
With two guitarists? Exactly, just like Status Quo.
You've certainly changed your tune.
Exactly, just like Actually forget that one.
Come on, Tim, I love your band.
It's just your guitar player I don't like.
Admit it, this isn't about the band, or about me, once again it's about your obsession with my sister.
Oh, change the record.
Record? Get with it, Grandad.
All right, shuffle your iPod Nanoo.
I'm not asking Stretch if you can join the band, so will you please leave? OK.
Fine.
I just felt I was losing my best mate a bit and I suppose I was just trying to find some way of clinging on.
But I'll leave you to have fun with your new friends.
I've always dreamt of being in a band.
And if I was in the band, I'd make them play the songs you really love.
Put that down now, it belongs to Stretch.
Looking back I could have played it differently.
I don't like this stuff anymore, actually.
Perfect situations can go wrong I'm in a rock band now.
My Elaine Page days are over.
But it has never yet prevented me Thinking you can win me over like a schoolgirl.
Wanting far too much for far too long Pathetic! Wasn't it good Oh, so good Wasn't it fine Oh, so fine Isn't it madness He can't be mine But in the end He needs a little bit more than me More security! He needs his fantasy and freedom I know him so The ace of spades The ace of spades The ace of spades The ace of spades.
We don't need another band member.
I know.
It's just that Lee and I are best friends and I think he's feeling a bit left out.
A bit left out? We're in band, not a sandpit.
I'm telling you, he's holding you back.
Lose him.
I can't do that.
We're best friends.
Well, that's a shame.
The scrapheap of the music biz is littered with the nice guys.
Joe Dolce Rick Astley Chesney Hawkes.
Exactly.
It is possible to be a nice guy and still a credible artist.
Listen, Tim, it's the final of Battle Of The Bands in a few days, and I haven't got time for hangers-on.
Lucy would be pleased.
She's trying to get him out the house more.
Well, long enough to change the locks anyway.
So, you play a bit, do you? Yeah.
Big guitar player, me.
More chords than Tim's wardrobe.
You been playing long? Well, I grew up in a musical environment.
Is that right? Yeah.
A big hill in Switzerland surrounded by Nazis.
There was three of us, Doe, Ray and me.
Thanks.
Do you want to move in permanently? And what sort of music are you into? You know, the old stuff.
Dylan when he was still acoustic.
Michael Jackson when he was still black.
Tim when he was still white.
Tim says there's something you want to ask me.
Yeah.
Can I join the band? That one wasn't a joke! Tell you what, maybe we could use you.
OK, you're in.
Brilliant! I'll get us all a drink.
Who fancies a cup of tea? I could use a stiff bourbon.
No problems.
I'll get the biscuit tin.
Roadie? Bloody roadie? Nothing wrong with being a roadie, mate.
Noel Gallagher started out as a roadie.
Well, there you go.
Look at him now.
Presenting Deal Or No Deal six nights a week.
If my heart was a drummer, I'd have to give it the sack.
Why? Cos every time it sees you, it misses a beat.
I don't suppose it knows anything by Massive Attack, does it? Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa.
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa.
So it's not just rock stars you impersonate? You can do Ronnie Barker in Open All Hours as well, can you? Big final tonight, rock star? How's the roadying going, Lee? I'm not just a roadie.
I'm more of a manager/producer.
Well, you'd better produce some tea and biscuits, then.
Come on, Doris, chop chop.
Why don't you try doing what Tim's doing? What do you mean? Fa fa fa fa fa Cough.
Look, if you don't want to be involved in the band anymore, there's the door.
I mean, I'll miss the custard creams but I'm sure I'll have other things to keep me occupied.
No, it's all right.
I'll stick around, keep an eye on things.
How do you like your coffee? I like my coffee like I like my women.
Oh, please mess this up and say extra large.
Hot, sweet and first thing in the morning.
That's funny, cos I like my coffee like I like my guitar players.
With boiling hot water poured on it.
I finished the song.
My song? Yeah.
I've called it "Lucy".
That's so sweet.
Elvis, take a pew.
There you go.
I can't sing this.
But you're the singer.
Sing.
She's my sister.
Isn't that a bit? Sing.
Oh, Lucy I want to take you on the blue sea I want you to draw me in.
I'm not entirely comfortable with Sing.
I see you naked in the moonlight Let me touch your skin.
There's no way I'm doing the next bit.
Chorus! Want to take you home Want to make you moan Let's go to bed and have some fun I'll bring the hotdog You bring the bun Oh, Lucy Let's make love tonight.
That was beautiful.
The Auditors.
You're up next.
Crap.
I've left my jacket in the van.
Doris, be a good girl.
Go get it.
Yeah, and hurry up.
If we win this final tonight, who knows what it'll lead to.
Carry on with that fake tan, you might be up for a MOBO.
Are you the roadie with The Auditors? Yeah.
Well, tell Stretch I said it's over.
And tell him he can have this eternity ring back.
And he can have his flat keys back as well.
Please tell me you haven't got any of his furniture.
No, but I've these he might want back.
I found them under his bed.
It's the lyrics to the song he supposedly wrote for me.
I thought this song was called Lucy and he was going to "take her on the blue sea.
" Yeah, well, my name's Grace and he was going to "take me to another place.
" Just like he was going to "take Marie and set her free.
" "Take June to the moon.
" "Take Eva and never leave her.
" And "take Miss Pippy up the Mississippi.
" Good job he never dated Samantha Janus.
Hey, Doris.
Where's my jacket? If you want your jacket, you can get some other idiot to fetch it.
All right.
Tim, get my jacket.
Hang on, Tim.
I know you all think the sun shines out of this man's plectrum, but I'm afraid to tell you there's about half a dozen other Lucys out there.
So then who the hell is this one? And that song he wrote for you, he wrote for loads of women.
Look, pussycat.
Please don't call me pussycat.
This really sticks in the throat.
Probably fur balls.
What an arse.
Right, I'm out of here.
Hang on, the competition.
What's the point? Something tells me I'm not getting the prize I really came for.
He meant intercourse with We know what he meant.
Well, thank you very much.
Well, the words were right, but can you try it without the eye-popping, orange-coloured sarcasm? I've just rescued your sister from a man who makes Warren Beatty look like Mother Teresa.
Actually now he's getting older, he does look a bit like her, doesn't he? Can't you go on stage without him? How can we perform without a lead guitarist? Come on, let's go.
Hang on.
You need a guitar player.
You're looking at one.
But you don't know any of our songs.
No.
But I know a few other good ones.
Wow.
What a night.
I'm surprised you can remember any of it, you were that concussed.
Well, it's a bit hazy, but that's rock and roll for you.
The bright lights, the drugs.
That was the paramedics.
The women shouting, throwing underwear at me.
That was me trying to get you dressed again in A and E.
Shame we didn't win.
Well, it wasn't just the injury.
I don't think the crowd were that keen on the Elaine Page and Barbara Dickson number either.
Yeah, looking back I should have played it differently.
Sorry it didn't work out between you and Stretch.
Don't worry.
A relationship can't end if it hasn't even begun.
Yeah, but you were thinking about it.
All right, I admit I was slightly dazzled by his rock star image.
And what about when I was up there? Was I sex, drugs and rock and roll? A bit more like rumpy pumpy, Calpol and Shakin' Stevens.
Anyway, my guitar-playing days are behind me.
I've decided to settle on a far more tranquil instrument.
Very funny.
You're joking right? Please tell me you're joking.
He's joking.
Oh, God.