Not Going Out (2006) s05e04 Episode Script
Running
Must be an easier way of taking off those trainers.
Tonight on Channel 5, the tragic story of the girl that was born with no knees or elbows.
I can't believe you're doing all this training just for a fun run.
Fun run? Well, it's not exactly a serious race, is it? I bet you'll see more Honey Monsters than Kenyans.
It's still 10km! Imagine having to run to the supermarket, then back, then again, then back, and then again, and then back.
Easy.
You reckon? Yeah, I'd use Ocado.
You're jealous, you know you couldn't do it.
standing on my head.
Come on then, enter the race, show me what you've got, Paula Radcliffe.
Never say that to Paula Radcliffe.
You said you could do it standing on your head.
Definitely don't say that to Paula Radcliffe.
All right Put me down.
Oh, why is there never a vet around when you need one? You've got to train for these things.
I know.
In fact, I think I might pop out now and do a quick three-miler.
All right, well, take it easy, especially on your first day.
Thanks for the advice, but I was doing half marathons when you were still in your school uniform.
Only you could say that and make it sound like an alibi.
Almost there.
Aghh! Not too fast.
This is like doing the three-legged-race with my less-developed Siamese twin.
Thanks for picking me up.
That's all right.
How far did you run exactly? Just less than three.
Miles or kilometres? Minutes.
Well, I wasn't expecting to pull something.
Please don't say that when you've got your arm around me.
Especially not dressed like that.
Did you remember to stretch? I want to get faster, not longer.
Yes, I am.
Pint of lager, please.
And a tomato juice for the wife.
Anyway, what's the point? Lucy's right.
I'm clearly not up to this.
Is that what this is all about, then, trying to prove yourself to your beloved landlady? Yeah, Tim, that's right.
I figured if I can run faster than your sister she might let me have sex with her.
That's how all northerners get a mate, isn't it? You'll be fine, all you need is a sports massage.
I know someone good.
They helped me out recently with a squash injury.
A squash injury? What happened? Did you injure yourself letting the lid off the Um Bongo bottle? Um Bongo doesn't come in a bottle, it's a fruit drink in a pouch.
Do you think the Chuckle Brothers argue like this? Trust me, this masseur's brilliant.
Give him a go.
Him? You let a bloke massage you? Where was the injury? If you must know, it was a groin injury.
What, you mean way down deep in the middle of the Congo? Sorry, I've got the Um Bongo advert in my head now.
I'll book my own massage, thank you.
Do me a favour, don't tell Lucy I'm injured, I don't want her thinking I'm dropping out.
Dropping out? In those little shorts I think it's unavoidable.
Letting a bloke massage you.
You're unbelievable.
I bet you insist on a woman when you get yourself waxed as well, don't you? Oh, hello.
How come I didn't see you last night? Oh, I just fancied going straight to bed after my run.
Oh, you ran quite far, then, did you? Yeah, I almost ended up at the hospital.
That's quite far, actually.
I'm very impressed.
What you doing? Having my breakfast.
Why aren't you sitting down? Seemed appropriate having my breakfast high up.
Why? It's Alpen.
Ooops! Avalanche.
What time you back tonight? Not until late.
I'm going to run back.
Why? I've got a woman coming round.
Oh, yeah? Has the chloroform rubbed off already? What woman? Personal trainer.
She's going to take me to the next level.
Blimey, listen to Usain Bolt.
Well Usain Bolt, I say tomato.
Well, aren't you going to get the brush? Yeah.
Soon as I've finished my breakfast.
I might tell Weight Watchers about this idea.
Oh! Ow! Aghhh! That really hurts, you know.
What is it you English say? "Without you having any of the pain first, "then there is not going to be any of the gain afterwards.
" I don't think we say it quite as succinctly as that.
Arghhh! You're making joke, right? You are saying I say this thing wrong way.
It sound different when I say it because it is too long, right? Hmm.
I understand.
It is funny You do know a laugh would have covered all that, don't you? Aghhh! Have you done a massage before? Of course.
Back in Warsaw I am known as Claudia Gentle She Goat Hoof Fingers.
It translates better in Polish.
Argghh! I'll tell you where the plans are hidden.
OK, time for T-shirt off, I think.
Why? Are you going fight me now? Off, please.
It's only my leg that's injured.
Don't be shy.
I am sure you have very nice body.
Thank you very much.
I've got a very nice bathroom, do you need to see that too? What? You prefer to do it in the bathroom? Do what? Happy ending.
Are you going to read to me? If you like.
You want to pretend to be baby, right? You want Mamma to read to you and change your nappy? Are you talking on one of those Bluetooth thingies? Sorry are you erm prostitute? No.
I am a professional nurse working for NHS, this is new service we provide.
You see, now I do joke.
Of course I am prostitute.
The advert in the newsagent window said massage.
It says "exotic massage.
" I thought it meant you were Brazilian or something.
I do HAVE Brazilian.
You want to see? You just leave Juninho where he is, thank you very much.
I'm sorry, there's been a bit of a crossed wire here, could you just leave please? I don't leave until you pay me.
£100.
We didn't do anything.
That's not my fault.
You pay me for one hour.
An hour? It wouldn't have taken me an hour.
How long would it have taken you? I'll cover the cost of your travel card.
Pay me or I send round man.
He has special way of dealing with people like you.
He will break every bone in your body.
I'm surprised you need him.
If you are hooker as well, make sure he pays you first.
Nice day at the office? I don't know what's worse.
You using the services of women like that here, or the fact that she thought I was one too.
What kind of hooker dresses like this? Sebastian Ho? Lucy, do I look like the type of person who pays for sex? Not usually, no.
It would be a bit odd paying yourself.
I thought she was a genuine sports massage person.
Is that right? And why would you need one of those? I got injured yesterday running.
Lucy, think what you like about me, but I've never lied to you.
I thought you said the run went well.
I lied.
I didn't want you thinking I was some sort of failure.
Oh, well, nothing screams success more than being caught in your pants with a six-foot hooker.
I thought you were going to be back late.
I forgot my stopwatch.
Unlike you, I was planning more than Oh, will you stop doing that, following me round pretending you're injured? You're like an appeal for abused whippets.
Right, if you don't believe me, I'll phone that Claudia woman now and she can prove I'm telling the truth.
Where's that number? You're such a liar.
It was in my top pocket.
Look, Lucy, I promise, nothing happened between us.
Blimey, rejected by a hooker.
That's a new low, even for you.
I wasn't rejected, I declined her services.
Why did you pay her? Because she rubbed oil at the top of my legs.
Just the tree trunks, not the acorns.
And that costs £100, does it? No, the £100 was to stop the pimp beating me up.
You've met the pimp as well, have you? No, I haven't met the pimp! And I don't want to.
The best way to not meet him is to always pay to the prostitute.
Now you're just quoting the motto from your family's coat of arms.
A lady of the night? Blimey.
Well, I suppose it is the oldest profession in the world.
I've never really understood how that worked.
How do you mean? If it's the oldest profession in the world, at some point it must have been the first and only profession.
So? So where was everyone else getting the money to pay for it? Look, Tim, I need you to do me a favour.
Can you go round to the flat and tell Lucy that I got injured running yesterday and that you suggested a sports massage? Are you sure you're giving me the whole picture here? What's that supposed to mean? You were very adamant about not have a man massaging you, weren't you? Why do you choose a woman to do your cleaning? Because I don't want some strange bloke walking round my flat.
I prefer a woman doing it.
So that means you want to have sex with her, right? Of course not.
Apart from the obvious moral argument, at £9.
50 an hour, I want her fully focused on the dusting.
Exactly.
And at £100 an hour I wanted her focused on my quadricep femoris.
You are disgusting.
It's a muscle.
I don't care what it's classed as.
Right, that's it.
Come on Where are we going? We're going to the newsagents to find that phone number and you can phone that bloody woman yourself.
She'll confirm to you I'm telling the truth.
Right.
I will.
I always think truth is a bit like an expensive cashmere jumper.
Ruined when stretched.
I always think the truth is a like an expensive roll of toilet paper.
Wasted on arseholes.
Where's it gone? I'm telling you, it was just there.
Well, it's not there any more, is it? Unless she's changed her name to Puppies for Sale.
She may as well have.
I'm going to ask inside Of course you are.
Why let a little thing like dignity get in the way? Hello.
Yes? There was a card in the window earlier but now it's gone.
"School children only allowed when accompanied by an adult?" I've got ID.
That's the card I took down.
What about the other one? You know, the the lady who does the massage.
Oh, that.
I removed it.
I felt it was inappropriate.
I agree.
Shouldn't be allowed.
I blame the men who ring.
If it wasn't for them, these women wouldn't be exploited.
It's disgusting.
Are you looking for the phone number? Yes.
Well, I've thrown it away.
Oh.
Is that all you came in for? No.
Two Curly Wurlys, please.
And one for yourself.
Try Hanover Street.
I believe that's where these women like to tout for these desperate, sad individuals.
I hope that's not aimed at me.
I'll have you know I'm a valued and respected member of the community.
Which way's Hanover Street? I can't see her.
Maybe we should ask one of the other women if they know her.
This is ridiculous You're damn right it's ridiculous.
All you have to say is, "Of course I'll verify your story to Lucy, "you're not the type of person to lie, "because you're an honourable human being "who has some moral fibre and decency.
" Let's ask that one Hi, darling.
Looking for some company? Actually, I've already got company.
I see.
I don't usually do that sort of thing, but I'm sure we can come to some sort of an arrangement.
Oh, goodness.
We don't want any of that sort of thing, thank you very much.
Certainly not with him in the same room.
I can just about tolerate having him round for Sunday roast.
What? One day, when you're a big boy, I will explain why that was funny.
Look, what do you want? Do you know where I can find a woman called Claudia? Sounds like Dracula but without the charm.
Depends who's asking.
You could be the filth for all I know.
And I ain't no grass, so if you are rozzers, you can sling it.
Fascinating! What? I haven't heard language like that since my youth club production of My Fair Lady.
Do you think you could help us out before the Professor here tries to kidnap you and work on your vowel sounds? I know where she is.
But it'll cost ya.
How much? £80 for directions? My TomTom cost less than that.
And I bet you won't tell us in the voice of SpongeBob Square Pants.
I could, but that'll cost ya more.
OK, fine.
Can you lend me £80? This is going on the bill.
You now owe me £80 plus 20 years of self respect and happiness.
All right, call it 85.
She works from a house at the top end of Jutland Street.
Please tell me that's an ice-cream van.
Is this ever going to end? They'll let us go soon.
I meant our friendship.
My life's over.
Your life's over? What about when Lucy finds out? All this just because of a stupid race.
You're doing better than the other race you're involved in.
What race? The human race.
Oh, hello, officer.
Sit down.
Look, there's been a huge mistake.
We're not kerb crawlers.
We've never been in trouble with the law in our lives.
Isn't that right, Timothy? I was once ticked off for scrumping apples, would that be on record? Of course not.
That was months ago.
Look, we weren't looking for a prostitute.
Is that right? Well, not that one anyway.
And which one were you looking for? The one that I had in my flat earlier.
So you had one in your flat, did you? Yeah, I didn't know she was a prostitute.
Did any money change hands? No.
Well, yes, but not for anything untoward.
It was all above board.
So why did you pay her? So her pimp wouldn't beat me up.
I want a different lawyer.
I'm sure if we can just find this woman, she'll verify our story.
It's a pity you didn't find her then, isn't it? But there's another lady here to see you.
Oh, thank God.
It's Inspector Clouseau.
Hello, sweetheart.
I got a call from the police station.
It's not what it looks like.
I know, it looks like a library.
You didn't tell Lucy, did you? Of course not.
Why on earth would I tell Lucy? Oh, that Lucy.
Yeah, I told her.
I thought you meant my cousin's cat.
Don't tell me, there's been another misunderstanding.
You didn't know this one was a prostitute either, you just thought she was an overly friendly lollipop lady.
Look, I know you're cross Oh, this is no time for jokes, Lee.
Oh, was that not a joke? Lollipop lady cross? Look, can I just explain? Forget it.
I've come to tell you not to bother coming back to the flat.
Actually, I think he's telling the truth, Lucy.
Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? You think you know your own brother, walking round all posh and innocent like some sort of Hugh Grant figure.
Turns out you're just a Well, a Hugh Grant figure.
Come on, Daisy, we're leaving.
You can help me pack Lee's things.
Where would I find a suit case? I meant at the flat.
Oh, well, at least they've let us go.
You heard the sergeant.
It still might be going to court.
People like me can't go to prison.
Don't worry, they'll treat you like a king.
Well a queen.
Look, stop panicking.
We are not going to prison and I'm not getting evicted.
That woman told us where Claudia is and we are going straight round there now and telling her she has to back up our story to the police.
Oh, thank Goodness.
I thought I was going home for a nice cup of tea and a custard cream.
To the brothel! You know the last foyer I was in? The Dorchester.
And you know who I saw sitting in there? Gloria Hunniford and Patricia Hodge.
This is what being your friend's all about.
Is he the madam? Let me do the talking.
Evening Madam Sir.
We're looking for a woman.
Which one's it going to be? Blimey, Cilla, I preferred the original show.
Will it be number one, who says she likes her men to be tall, dark and pay cash up front? I believe you've got a Claudia working here.
And who are you exactly? Actually I'm one of her clients.
I don't remember you.
Well, I usually wear glasses, do you remember me now? Yeah he's the bloke who's always in the tree opposite the building.
Can we see her or not? Yeah, come on, don't bust our asses.
You're looking at two cats wanting to get jiggy with some hoes.
Hammer time.
Look, Tim, why don't you leave me to talk to the gentleman.
You go and talk to the nice ladies, discuss make-up tips.
Oh, actually, I'm going to need some money.
I'll tell you what, this whole not actually using prostitutes thing is turning out pretty expensive.
Actually, I don't suppose I could use my Nectar Of course not The thing is, it's my friend's birthday today and I wanted to get him something special, I usually get him a tie.
Claudia's not a Thai, she's Polish.
I meant something to wrap around his neck.
Actually Claudia sounds perfect, second door on the left.
And it's not just stationary that's tax deductible, you should be keeping receipts for everything.
Make-up, lingerie prophylactics.
Careful, ladies.
The first five minutes is free but then he starts charging his hourly rate.
Yes? Oh, hello.
What is matter now? Something other than your leg stiff this time? This is my friend Tim.
We, er, need to ask you a favour.
It's his first time, right? No, of course it's not! Blimey, I'm 43, not 29 again.
He doesn't want your services.
Neither of us do.
This room is for customers only.
If Ronnie catches you just talking to me, he will come in here with baseball bat and break your legs.
OK.
How you want to do this? Separately or both at the same time? Good grief.
Is it too late to take the baseball bat? Why did we have to take our clothes off? You heard the lady, Tim, this room's for clients only.
So? People can still have intimacy with their clothes on.
Have you heard of cuddling? A cuddling threesome? This is a brothel, Tim, not an anger management workshop.
This may not be your first time, but it is first time with hooker, right? Believe it not, second time today.
And if you think that's a shock to you, imagine how it sounds to me.
When I woke up this morning, my only plans were to buy some waterproof bicycle panniers.
What is panniers? A storage system to aid commuting, which attaches to the main frame.
It derives from the old French word meaning bread basket.
I want to go home.
OK.
What is going on here? Like I say, Claudia, we don't want intercourse.
Well, thank goodness one of us can talk the talk.
We need you to ask you a big favour.
I got in to a bit of trouble with the police, and more importantly, my landlady.
Can you come down to the police station and tell them everything that happened this morning? You want me to come with you to police station? Yes.
OK.
We do it.
Really? No.
It is joke.
Do you think I am crazy? If I go to police they arrest me.
And my pimp will kill you both.
Now get out now! OK, no more Mr Nice Guy.
Either you come to the station with us, or we tell the police exactly where you are and what you're doing to earn a living.
Yeah that shut you up, hasn't it? Ronnieeeeeeeeeeeeee! Think about it, the police can't arrest you for telling the truth.
It's not illegal to do proper massages and that's all you did.
We'll pay you for your time.
And Ronnie doesn't need to know.
We can keep him in the dark.
Maybe not.
I was distinctly told if I took my clothes off I wouldn't get hit with a baseball bat.
I want to see the manager.
What's going on? Everything is all right.
I thought these two men were not going to pay but we have reached an amicable settlement.
OK, birthday boy, I think your time's up.
Yeah, come on, Tim, let's be getting you back.
Those parcels aren't going to pass themselves.
Where are we going? We're going to see your sister with our heads held high.
Are you sure you're OK? Fine.
Just saving some energy for the other 9.
5K.
It was good of Claudia to tell the police everything, but how did you get her to agree to talk to me? I can be very persuasive when I want to be.
You persuaded her it was the right thing to do? No, I persuaded Tim to pay her more money.
How's the leg? Bearing up.
I never did have that massage.
What do you reckon? I've got cash.
Well, Tim has.
You couldn't afford me, sweetheart.
That's true.
If you were a call girl, you'd definitely be the top end discreet stuff.
You know, just really rich Japanese businessmen Stop talking! Right.
Thanks for taking me back.
That's all right.
All's well that ends well.
Yeah, I'm tempted to say it's a happy ending, but now I know what it means I hope you've learned something from all this.
Course I have, try not to get injured when you do running.
And when it comes to women, always keep away from very large Poles.
Tonight on Channel 5, the tragic story of the girl that was born with no knees or elbows.
I can't believe you're doing all this training just for a fun run.
Fun run? Well, it's not exactly a serious race, is it? I bet you'll see more Honey Monsters than Kenyans.
It's still 10km! Imagine having to run to the supermarket, then back, then again, then back, and then again, and then back.
Easy.
You reckon? Yeah, I'd use Ocado.
You're jealous, you know you couldn't do it.
standing on my head.
Come on then, enter the race, show me what you've got, Paula Radcliffe.
Never say that to Paula Radcliffe.
You said you could do it standing on your head.
Definitely don't say that to Paula Radcliffe.
All right Put me down.
Oh, why is there never a vet around when you need one? You've got to train for these things.
I know.
In fact, I think I might pop out now and do a quick three-miler.
All right, well, take it easy, especially on your first day.
Thanks for the advice, but I was doing half marathons when you were still in your school uniform.
Only you could say that and make it sound like an alibi.
Almost there.
Aghh! Not too fast.
This is like doing the three-legged-race with my less-developed Siamese twin.
Thanks for picking me up.
That's all right.
How far did you run exactly? Just less than three.
Miles or kilometres? Minutes.
Well, I wasn't expecting to pull something.
Please don't say that when you've got your arm around me.
Especially not dressed like that.
Did you remember to stretch? I want to get faster, not longer.
Yes, I am.
Pint of lager, please.
And a tomato juice for the wife.
Anyway, what's the point? Lucy's right.
I'm clearly not up to this.
Is that what this is all about, then, trying to prove yourself to your beloved landlady? Yeah, Tim, that's right.
I figured if I can run faster than your sister she might let me have sex with her.
That's how all northerners get a mate, isn't it? You'll be fine, all you need is a sports massage.
I know someone good.
They helped me out recently with a squash injury.
A squash injury? What happened? Did you injure yourself letting the lid off the Um Bongo bottle? Um Bongo doesn't come in a bottle, it's a fruit drink in a pouch.
Do you think the Chuckle Brothers argue like this? Trust me, this masseur's brilliant.
Give him a go.
Him? You let a bloke massage you? Where was the injury? If you must know, it was a groin injury.
What, you mean way down deep in the middle of the Congo? Sorry, I've got the Um Bongo advert in my head now.
I'll book my own massage, thank you.
Do me a favour, don't tell Lucy I'm injured, I don't want her thinking I'm dropping out.
Dropping out? In those little shorts I think it's unavoidable.
Letting a bloke massage you.
You're unbelievable.
I bet you insist on a woman when you get yourself waxed as well, don't you? Oh, hello.
How come I didn't see you last night? Oh, I just fancied going straight to bed after my run.
Oh, you ran quite far, then, did you? Yeah, I almost ended up at the hospital.
That's quite far, actually.
I'm very impressed.
What you doing? Having my breakfast.
Why aren't you sitting down? Seemed appropriate having my breakfast high up.
Why? It's Alpen.
Ooops! Avalanche.
What time you back tonight? Not until late.
I'm going to run back.
Why? I've got a woman coming round.
Oh, yeah? Has the chloroform rubbed off already? What woman? Personal trainer.
She's going to take me to the next level.
Blimey, listen to Usain Bolt.
Well Usain Bolt, I say tomato.
Well, aren't you going to get the brush? Yeah.
Soon as I've finished my breakfast.
I might tell Weight Watchers about this idea.
Oh! Ow! Aghhh! That really hurts, you know.
What is it you English say? "Without you having any of the pain first, "then there is not going to be any of the gain afterwards.
" I don't think we say it quite as succinctly as that.
Arghhh! You're making joke, right? You are saying I say this thing wrong way.
It sound different when I say it because it is too long, right? Hmm.
I understand.
It is funny You do know a laugh would have covered all that, don't you? Aghhh! Have you done a massage before? Of course.
Back in Warsaw I am known as Claudia Gentle She Goat Hoof Fingers.
It translates better in Polish.
Argghh! I'll tell you where the plans are hidden.
OK, time for T-shirt off, I think.
Why? Are you going fight me now? Off, please.
It's only my leg that's injured.
Don't be shy.
I am sure you have very nice body.
Thank you very much.
I've got a very nice bathroom, do you need to see that too? What? You prefer to do it in the bathroom? Do what? Happy ending.
Are you going to read to me? If you like.
You want to pretend to be baby, right? You want Mamma to read to you and change your nappy? Are you talking on one of those Bluetooth thingies? Sorry are you erm prostitute? No.
I am a professional nurse working for NHS, this is new service we provide.
You see, now I do joke.
Of course I am prostitute.
The advert in the newsagent window said massage.
It says "exotic massage.
" I thought it meant you were Brazilian or something.
I do HAVE Brazilian.
You want to see? You just leave Juninho where he is, thank you very much.
I'm sorry, there's been a bit of a crossed wire here, could you just leave please? I don't leave until you pay me.
£100.
We didn't do anything.
That's not my fault.
You pay me for one hour.
An hour? It wouldn't have taken me an hour.
How long would it have taken you? I'll cover the cost of your travel card.
Pay me or I send round man.
He has special way of dealing with people like you.
He will break every bone in your body.
I'm surprised you need him.
If you are hooker as well, make sure he pays you first.
Nice day at the office? I don't know what's worse.
You using the services of women like that here, or the fact that she thought I was one too.
What kind of hooker dresses like this? Sebastian Ho? Lucy, do I look like the type of person who pays for sex? Not usually, no.
It would be a bit odd paying yourself.
I thought she was a genuine sports massage person.
Is that right? And why would you need one of those? I got injured yesterday running.
Lucy, think what you like about me, but I've never lied to you.
I thought you said the run went well.
I lied.
I didn't want you thinking I was some sort of failure.
Oh, well, nothing screams success more than being caught in your pants with a six-foot hooker.
I thought you were going to be back late.
I forgot my stopwatch.
Unlike you, I was planning more than Oh, will you stop doing that, following me round pretending you're injured? You're like an appeal for abused whippets.
Right, if you don't believe me, I'll phone that Claudia woman now and she can prove I'm telling the truth.
Where's that number? You're such a liar.
It was in my top pocket.
Look, Lucy, I promise, nothing happened between us.
Blimey, rejected by a hooker.
That's a new low, even for you.
I wasn't rejected, I declined her services.
Why did you pay her? Because she rubbed oil at the top of my legs.
Just the tree trunks, not the acorns.
And that costs £100, does it? No, the £100 was to stop the pimp beating me up.
You've met the pimp as well, have you? No, I haven't met the pimp! And I don't want to.
The best way to not meet him is to always pay to the prostitute.
Now you're just quoting the motto from your family's coat of arms.
A lady of the night? Blimey.
Well, I suppose it is the oldest profession in the world.
I've never really understood how that worked.
How do you mean? If it's the oldest profession in the world, at some point it must have been the first and only profession.
So? So where was everyone else getting the money to pay for it? Look, Tim, I need you to do me a favour.
Can you go round to the flat and tell Lucy that I got injured running yesterday and that you suggested a sports massage? Are you sure you're giving me the whole picture here? What's that supposed to mean? You were very adamant about not have a man massaging you, weren't you? Why do you choose a woman to do your cleaning? Because I don't want some strange bloke walking round my flat.
I prefer a woman doing it.
So that means you want to have sex with her, right? Of course not.
Apart from the obvious moral argument, at £9.
50 an hour, I want her fully focused on the dusting.
Exactly.
And at £100 an hour I wanted her focused on my quadricep femoris.
You are disgusting.
It's a muscle.
I don't care what it's classed as.
Right, that's it.
Come on Where are we going? We're going to the newsagents to find that phone number and you can phone that bloody woman yourself.
She'll confirm to you I'm telling the truth.
Right.
I will.
I always think truth is a bit like an expensive cashmere jumper.
Ruined when stretched.
I always think the truth is a like an expensive roll of toilet paper.
Wasted on arseholes.
Where's it gone? I'm telling you, it was just there.
Well, it's not there any more, is it? Unless she's changed her name to Puppies for Sale.
She may as well have.
I'm going to ask inside Of course you are.
Why let a little thing like dignity get in the way? Hello.
Yes? There was a card in the window earlier but now it's gone.
"School children only allowed when accompanied by an adult?" I've got ID.
That's the card I took down.
What about the other one? You know, the the lady who does the massage.
Oh, that.
I removed it.
I felt it was inappropriate.
I agree.
Shouldn't be allowed.
I blame the men who ring.
If it wasn't for them, these women wouldn't be exploited.
It's disgusting.
Are you looking for the phone number? Yes.
Well, I've thrown it away.
Oh.
Is that all you came in for? No.
Two Curly Wurlys, please.
And one for yourself.
Try Hanover Street.
I believe that's where these women like to tout for these desperate, sad individuals.
I hope that's not aimed at me.
I'll have you know I'm a valued and respected member of the community.
Which way's Hanover Street? I can't see her.
Maybe we should ask one of the other women if they know her.
This is ridiculous You're damn right it's ridiculous.
All you have to say is, "Of course I'll verify your story to Lucy, "you're not the type of person to lie, "because you're an honourable human being "who has some moral fibre and decency.
" Let's ask that one Hi, darling.
Looking for some company? Actually, I've already got company.
I see.
I don't usually do that sort of thing, but I'm sure we can come to some sort of an arrangement.
Oh, goodness.
We don't want any of that sort of thing, thank you very much.
Certainly not with him in the same room.
I can just about tolerate having him round for Sunday roast.
What? One day, when you're a big boy, I will explain why that was funny.
Look, what do you want? Do you know where I can find a woman called Claudia? Sounds like Dracula but without the charm.
Depends who's asking.
You could be the filth for all I know.
And I ain't no grass, so if you are rozzers, you can sling it.
Fascinating! What? I haven't heard language like that since my youth club production of My Fair Lady.
Do you think you could help us out before the Professor here tries to kidnap you and work on your vowel sounds? I know where she is.
But it'll cost ya.
How much? £80 for directions? My TomTom cost less than that.
And I bet you won't tell us in the voice of SpongeBob Square Pants.
I could, but that'll cost ya more.
OK, fine.
Can you lend me £80? This is going on the bill.
You now owe me £80 plus 20 years of self respect and happiness.
All right, call it 85.
She works from a house at the top end of Jutland Street.
Please tell me that's an ice-cream van.
Is this ever going to end? They'll let us go soon.
I meant our friendship.
My life's over.
Your life's over? What about when Lucy finds out? All this just because of a stupid race.
You're doing better than the other race you're involved in.
What race? The human race.
Oh, hello, officer.
Sit down.
Look, there's been a huge mistake.
We're not kerb crawlers.
We've never been in trouble with the law in our lives.
Isn't that right, Timothy? I was once ticked off for scrumping apples, would that be on record? Of course not.
That was months ago.
Look, we weren't looking for a prostitute.
Is that right? Well, not that one anyway.
And which one were you looking for? The one that I had in my flat earlier.
So you had one in your flat, did you? Yeah, I didn't know she was a prostitute.
Did any money change hands? No.
Well, yes, but not for anything untoward.
It was all above board.
So why did you pay her? So her pimp wouldn't beat me up.
I want a different lawyer.
I'm sure if we can just find this woman, she'll verify our story.
It's a pity you didn't find her then, isn't it? But there's another lady here to see you.
Oh, thank God.
It's Inspector Clouseau.
Hello, sweetheart.
I got a call from the police station.
It's not what it looks like.
I know, it looks like a library.
You didn't tell Lucy, did you? Of course not.
Why on earth would I tell Lucy? Oh, that Lucy.
Yeah, I told her.
I thought you meant my cousin's cat.
Don't tell me, there's been another misunderstanding.
You didn't know this one was a prostitute either, you just thought she was an overly friendly lollipop lady.
Look, I know you're cross Oh, this is no time for jokes, Lee.
Oh, was that not a joke? Lollipop lady cross? Look, can I just explain? Forget it.
I've come to tell you not to bother coming back to the flat.
Actually, I think he's telling the truth, Lucy.
Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? You think you know your own brother, walking round all posh and innocent like some sort of Hugh Grant figure.
Turns out you're just a Well, a Hugh Grant figure.
Come on, Daisy, we're leaving.
You can help me pack Lee's things.
Where would I find a suit case? I meant at the flat.
Oh, well, at least they've let us go.
You heard the sergeant.
It still might be going to court.
People like me can't go to prison.
Don't worry, they'll treat you like a king.
Well a queen.
Look, stop panicking.
We are not going to prison and I'm not getting evicted.
That woman told us where Claudia is and we are going straight round there now and telling her she has to back up our story to the police.
Oh, thank Goodness.
I thought I was going home for a nice cup of tea and a custard cream.
To the brothel! You know the last foyer I was in? The Dorchester.
And you know who I saw sitting in there? Gloria Hunniford and Patricia Hodge.
This is what being your friend's all about.
Is he the madam? Let me do the talking.
Evening Madam Sir.
We're looking for a woman.
Which one's it going to be? Blimey, Cilla, I preferred the original show.
Will it be number one, who says she likes her men to be tall, dark and pay cash up front? I believe you've got a Claudia working here.
And who are you exactly? Actually I'm one of her clients.
I don't remember you.
Well, I usually wear glasses, do you remember me now? Yeah he's the bloke who's always in the tree opposite the building.
Can we see her or not? Yeah, come on, don't bust our asses.
You're looking at two cats wanting to get jiggy with some hoes.
Hammer time.
Look, Tim, why don't you leave me to talk to the gentleman.
You go and talk to the nice ladies, discuss make-up tips.
Oh, actually, I'm going to need some money.
I'll tell you what, this whole not actually using prostitutes thing is turning out pretty expensive.
Actually, I don't suppose I could use my Nectar Of course not The thing is, it's my friend's birthday today and I wanted to get him something special, I usually get him a tie.
Claudia's not a Thai, she's Polish.
I meant something to wrap around his neck.
Actually Claudia sounds perfect, second door on the left.
And it's not just stationary that's tax deductible, you should be keeping receipts for everything.
Make-up, lingerie prophylactics.
Careful, ladies.
The first five minutes is free but then he starts charging his hourly rate.
Yes? Oh, hello.
What is matter now? Something other than your leg stiff this time? This is my friend Tim.
We, er, need to ask you a favour.
It's his first time, right? No, of course it's not! Blimey, I'm 43, not 29 again.
He doesn't want your services.
Neither of us do.
This room is for customers only.
If Ronnie catches you just talking to me, he will come in here with baseball bat and break your legs.
OK.
How you want to do this? Separately or both at the same time? Good grief.
Is it too late to take the baseball bat? Why did we have to take our clothes off? You heard the lady, Tim, this room's for clients only.
So? People can still have intimacy with their clothes on.
Have you heard of cuddling? A cuddling threesome? This is a brothel, Tim, not an anger management workshop.
This may not be your first time, but it is first time with hooker, right? Believe it not, second time today.
And if you think that's a shock to you, imagine how it sounds to me.
When I woke up this morning, my only plans were to buy some waterproof bicycle panniers.
What is panniers? A storage system to aid commuting, which attaches to the main frame.
It derives from the old French word meaning bread basket.
I want to go home.
OK.
What is going on here? Like I say, Claudia, we don't want intercourse.
Well, thank goodness one of us can talk the talk.
We need you to ask you a big favour.
I got in to a bit of trouble with the police, and more importantly, my landlady.
Can you come down to the police station and tell them everything that happened this morning? You want me to come with you to police station? Yes.
OK.
We do it.
Really? No.
It is joke.
Do you think I am crazy? If I go to police they arrest me.
And my pimp will kill you both.
Now get out now! OK, no more Mr Nice Guy.
Either you come to the station with us, or we tell the police exactly where you are and what you're doing to earn a living.
Yeah that shut you up, hasn't it? Ronnieeeeeeeeeeeeee! Think about it, the police can't arrest you for telling the truth.
It's not illegal to do proper massages and that's all you did.
We'll pay you for your time.
And Ronnie doesn't need to know.
We can keep him in the dark.
Maybe not.
I was distinctly told if I took my clothes off I wouldn't get hit with a baseball bat.
I want to see the manager.
What's going on? Everything is all right.
I thought these two men were not going to pay but we have reached an amicable settlement.
OK, birthday boy, I think your time's up.
Yeah, come on, Tim, let's be getting you back.
Those parcels aren't going to pass themselves.
Where are we going? We're going to see your sister with our heads held high.
Are you sure you're OK? Fine.
Just saving some energy for the other 9.
5K.
It was good of Claudia to tell the police everything, but how did you get her to agree to talk to me? I can be very persuasive when I want to be.
You persuaded her it was the right thing to do? No, I persuaded Tim to pay her more money.
How's the leg? Bearing up.
I never did have that massage.
What do you reckon? I've got cash.
Well, Tim has.
You couldn't afford me, sweetheart.
That's true.
If you were a call girl, you'd definitely be the top end discreet stuff.
You know, just really rich Japanese businessmen Stop talking! Right.
Thanks for taking me back.
That's all right.
All's well that ends well.
Yeah, I'm tempted to say it's a happy ending, but now I know what it means I hope you've learned something from all this.
Course I have, try not to get injured when you do running.
And when it comes to women, always keep away from very large Poles.