Not Going Out (2006) s07e03 Episode Script
Donor
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # Yeah, not going out We are not going out.
And you're absolutely sure about this? Of course.
And I'm flattered.
You don't think it's wrong? It's the most natural thing in the world.
I'm a guy, you're a girl.
So I am! I wondered what these things were doing here.
Oh, Mike, I feel like my whole life has been leading up to this moment.
Ahem.
I thought tonight was poker night.
So did he, by the look of him.
Anyway, thanks again, Mike, for everything and I'll see you at work tomorrow and we'll chat some more then.
OK.
Bye.
Why do I suddenly feel like a gooseberry? Because you're bitter and nobody really likes you? Who was that? He's just a guy from the office.
What do you think of him, though? He's all right, isn't he? Nice features.
Good build.
Sorry, are you thinking of sleeping with him or listing him on Rightmove.
com? I'm not going out with him.
I told you, he's just a guy from work.
A guy from work who you want to know if I find attractive? Either you've got designs on him, or you're thinking of roping me into a threesome.
You've got the wrong end of the stick.
Don't start giving out positions, I haven't agreed yet.
Mike's going back home to Australia next month to live.
I'm not having any kind of relationship with him, OK? OK.
I'm just having his baby, that's all.
You're having his baby? Yep.
You mean you're doing some baby-sitting for him? No.
You mean Baby is the name of his dog, which you're having when he goes back to Australia? No.
You mean you're learning to play the clarinet, you just accidentally got every word in that sentence wrong? I suppose I have to tell you at some point, I've decided I want a baby.
I'm not in a relationship, so Mike is providing the sperm.
That's it.
Since when did you want a kid? I've always planned on having a baby eventually, but recently I've been thinking it might never happen.
Why not? Well, you know, tick, tick, tick What, because you've got ticks? I mean I'm not getting any younger, Lee.
I don't want to end up childless.
I want a baby.
Now.
With some bloke from work? I initially thought of using an anonymous sperm donor, but I don't know, it all felt all too impersonal.
I want to know what they look like.
They all look exactly the same.
They're like little tiny tadpoles.
Not the sperm, the man.
I know a lesbian couple who involved a male friend this way and it worked for them.
Who'd have thought I could ever hear that sentence and feel unhappy? There's nothing sexual about this, Lee.
I'm not sleeping with Mike.
He provides a sample at the clinic which is frozen until I go in to receive it.
Oh, so that's why Mum's gone to Iceland.
You hardly know him! That's the whole point.
I don't want him to have anything to do with the baby.
It will be purely a functional, unemotional, biological process.
Phwoar! Keep talking, C-3PO.
Or would you rather I shag him? No.
Good, because I'm not going to and I'm not doing it the other way either.
It's disgusting.
What other way? You know, the old turkey baster.
No, I don't think I've met that one.
Just the Aussie.
I approached Mike a few days ago and explained my situation.
Told him I was worried about getting older and wanted to take things into my own hands.
Lucky Mike.
Is this what you're going to do, listen to what I'm saying and then make childish double entendres? No.
Mike's planning to help me.
This is a real chance and I'm not going to let it slip through my fingers.
Once this is done, he'll be out of my hair for good.
Well, I don't know much about these sort of things, but if it's in your hair, you might want to ask him to try again.
You don't know anything about this person, the child could grow up to be an alcoholic or a psychopath.
Or even worse, that kid could grow up to be an Australian.
Imagine that, wearing flip-flops at a wedding and stinking of charcoal and fish.
Look, you and the Aussie might be in agreement about all this, but there's a third person who doesn't get a say.
Yes, I know, and of course I've thought about that and yes, it'll have an unusual start in life, but lots of children have Hang on, you're talking about yourself, aren't you? Why, who did you mean? Oh.
What if Mike comes back from Australia, changes his mind and wants to assert his parental rights? Hmm? I mean, have you got a contract? Mike's doing me a favour, I can hardly ask him to sign a contract at the same time.
Well, I'd be impressed if he could sign a contract at the same time.
I struggle to even keep hold of the remote.
Morning.
Eggs done the natural way.
Nice change.
Look.
What you told me came as a shock, that's why I reacted the way I did.
Since then, I've slept on it and seen things from your point of view.
And? And I still think you're completely BLEEP mental.
However, I will be respect your decision whatever you decide.
So if I do go ahead with this, you'll support me? Can I just clarify, when you say "support", do you mean in a moral sense, as a friend, with no financial help or time commitments whatsoever? Yes.
Of course I'll support you .
.
but, if you go ahead and do it, I still think you'll be making a huge mistake.
Well, believe it or not, your opinion does matter to me.
I don't know Mike that well and I don't know what he might want to do in the future.
Like you say, I don't even know where I stand legally with something like this.
So you're not going to go ahead with it? No, I'm still going to go ahead with it, I just don't want the sperm donor to be someone I hardly know.
Actually, thinking about it, that Mike fellow did seem like a decent bloke.
Only you were right.
Great swimmers, the Australians.
He'll have sperm like salmon.
I'm asking you to give me the most precious gift a man can give a woman.
Oh, I don't know.
Debenhams gift vouchers are pretty good.
All I'm asking is for you to think about it.
You can always say no.
All right.
No, I won't think about it.
OK, fine.
I understand.
Good.
I mean, it's a really big favour, isn't it, to ask you to put a bit of sperm into a dish and then have absolutely nothing else to do with it for the rest of your life? There's more to it than that, Lucy.
You are asking me to be a dad.
No, I'm not.
There will be no commitment or involvement whatsoever.
That's not what a dad is.
It is in my family.
There must be somebody else you know really well and trust.
There isn't.
What about your brother? Oh, no, maybe not.
You made me realise last night that it has to be someone I'm close to.
It can only be you.
There's no alternative.
Of course there's an alternative.
The alternative is you don't have a baby.
You're right.
That is the alternative, I suppose.
Don't have a baby.
Don't fulfil my dreams, grow old, childless and alone Oh, not the tears.
Why does everything with you come back to bodily fluids? Please, Lucy, stop crying.
All right, I'll think about it.
Will you? Yes.
Just stop the tears.
Oh, thank you, thank you so much! Hang on, I haven't agreed yet.
I don't know how I feel about giving my sperm to a woman without sleeping on it first.
As long as you consider it, that's enough.
I wish you were always this positive every time I thought about knocking one out.
Lucy's gone out of her mind, completely lost touch with reality.
Well, it all makes sense to me.
I rest my case.
I mean, she's not getting any younger.
She's not Jenson Button.
Benjamin.
She's not thought any of this through properly - pregnancy, supporting a kid, being a single mum.
Well, she won't be a proper single mum because she'll have you.
Exactly.
It's all well and good saying I won't be involved, but I will be, won't I? So why have you agreed to think about it? Because I just couldn't say no to Lucy's little crying face.
Yeah, but be careful.
What if it has got YOUR face? So what are you going to do? I don't know.
I can't just say no, it'll break her heart, and I'm definitely not saying yes.
But if she's not expecting any involvement from you, I don't really see what the problem is.
What if she dies in a car crash? Well, that's one way out of it, Lee, but that's quite extreme.
I mean, after the baby's born.
Then I'd have to be its dad, wouldn't I? Or what about when the baby grows up and it wants to hang out with me? Oh, don't worry.
Once it gets to know the real you, it'll stop.
So what are you going to say? I'm going to say no.
It was always a no.
Well, at least her parents will be happy.
How do you mean? Well, they definitely want her married before she has kids.
And blimey, with you as the father, Geoffrey would have gone ballistic! He would, wouldn't he? Daisy, you know what you are? A genius.
Guilty.
I don't have to refuse, I'll get Lucy's dad to do it for me.
Eugh! Not that.
I mean, I'll make sure her dad never allows it.
Daisy, I love you.
Oh, careful.
I don't want you getting me pregnant too.
I've been to the shop.
I bought you some lager and an extra-large bag of Monster Munch.
Do you really think I can be swayed on such an important decision by something as trivial as beer and crisps? Yes.
What flavour Monster Munch? So have you reached a decision? Yes.
Well, come on then, spill the beans.
What, here? Just tell me.
Yes.
You can access my precious bodily fluids Oh, Lee, thank you, thank you so much.
That's wonderful! Hang on.
There's one small condition.
You name it.
No, I'll let you do that.
It's your baby.
Go on.
We have to get your mum and dad's blessing first.
What? Sorry, Lucy, I can't do this unless I know they approve.
But I wasn't planning on telling them yet, I was going to wait until I was pregnant.
That way there's not a lot they can do about it, is there? That's true, and I'm sure your dad will find ways to take his mind off it, involving some rope, a heavy rock, my bollocks and a bridge.
I mean it, Lucy, my crotch is producing nothing without your dad's thumbs up.
Don't hold on to that as an image.
OK, if it's so important to you, then yes.
I'll invite all three parents round tomorrow.
All three? Were you the result of some freak parenting technique as well? My mum and dad and your dad.
My dad? I wouldn't bother inviting him, what help is he going to be? Well, I suppose he could provide the magazines.
You're probably right.
He'll probably turn up drunk or say something inappropriate and the last thing I need is for my dad to start criticising your gene pool.
Actually, maybe we should invite my dad.
I mean, after all, he's got an equal right to know.
OK, whatever you like.
You know, this'll be a real shock to them, but I suppose if I can change your mind, I'm sure I can win them over too.
Over the years, I think they've actually grown quite fond of you.
Not a bloody chance.
Well, sorry you feel that way, Geoffrey, but we respect your decision.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
Hang on.
We need to talk about this.
What's the point? You dad's clearly made his mind up.
You'll impregnate my daughter over my dead body.
Well, it might ruin the mood a little bit, but if you insist.
Don't you want me to have children, Dad? Not mutant Frankenstein children, no.
I don't see why you'd want to go through with it either, Lee.
You take your sample and put it in some cold, sterile piece of apparatus That's no way to talk about your daughter.
You've not started without me, have you? Geoffrey, Wendy - looking foxy as ever.
Sorry about my dad.
Runs in the family.
As if eczema and diabetes wasn't enough.
I got your message, Lucy, love, but it was a very bad line, it kept breaking up.
But I've got the basic idea and can I say, I am honoured you asked.
Sorry? The answer is yes, I would love to be the father of your child.
I've actually asked Lee to be the donor, Frank.
Oh.
So what am I doing here? I wanted your input.
What, like alike a mix of the two? Something old, something new? I'm going to be sick.
She means your input into the discussion, Dad.
Oh, I see.
Well, I think it's a good idea.
Finally putting your hobby to good use, son.
I fail to see the point of this discussion.
Look, I understand your objections, Dad, but I want this and Lee wants to provide the sample.
Well I'm sorry, Lucy, but I don't approve and I intend to do whatever I can to stop this.
What are you going to do, castrate him? Come on, Geoffrey, don't slam the door on them straightaway.
Look, Geoffrey.
It were Lucy that asked Lee to do this.
I don't see why he can't take the opportunity to make a few quid out of it.
There's no money exchanging hands, Dad.
What? You're giving this away for free? Have you gone mad? The offer's come off the table.
Good.
We'll take our Lee's sperm to someone who appreciates it.
Might I suggest London Zoo? I believe they're running a gibbon-breeding programme.
What's that supposed to mean? What does it sound like? It sounds like you're a bloody snob who's saying my son is not good enough for your daughter.
Of course he isn't good enough! I doubt even the gibbon would agree to it.
Don't listen to him, Lee, nobody would be good enough for his little Lucy.
Hundreds of men would be good enough.
Thousands! Ooh, some days I feel like a princess.
Just not this way, and certainly not with him.
Well, perhaps I don't want my family breeding with yours.
Family? You don't know what the word means.
At least our family stays together.
How dare you? I think we all need to calm down.
If I were ten years younger You mean ten foot taller.
Don't you threaten me, sunshine, or you'll regret it.
Bloody toffy-nosed git.
This is the bloodline you want to perpetuate, is it, Lucy? I'll perpetuate your bloody bloodline in a minute EVERYONE YELLS AT ONCE Stop it! What's the matter with you all? None of you care about my feelings, do you? You're only bothered about how it affects you lot.
I just want to have a baby, is that so much to ask? Now look what you've done.
Sorry, Lucy, love.
I don't know what I was thinking.
If you want Lee's sperm, help yourself.
Take as much as you like.
Free refills, as far as I'm concerned.
Mum? Her too, if she wants some.
Darling, if you're sure this is what you want, I won't stand in your way.
You have my full support.
Thanks, Mum.
Hang on, Lucy.
We said both parents.
It has to be both, that was the agreement.
Agreement? What are you talking about? Lee said he'll only go through with this if he has your blessing, Dad.
That's how much he respects you.
Really? All right then, Lucy.
I'm listening.
Look.
I know you've always seen Lee as feckless, lazy, a waste of space A scrounger, occasional thief - don't forget those.
.
.
but the fact he's even offering to do this shows what a good friend he is.
Well, that's a fair point, I suppose.
Please, Dad.
I really want this.
Oh, stay strong.
I'm trying.
No, I mean your dad.
I suppose we have always wanted grandchildren.
Yeah, but think about how we'll be doing it.
Not the natural way, no intimacy at all.
Yes, that makes it a little more palatable.
Are you sure this is what you really want, Lucy? Yes.
Lee definitely wants to go through with it? Of course he does.
You won't pull out at the last minute? If that worked, Lee wouldn't be standing here now.
Then you have my consent.
Oh, hang on, "consent".
That's not the same as "blessing".
No, you're right, Lee.
There's no point going in to this half-cocked.
Are you doing these deliberately? You have my blessing.
Off.
Ah, yes.
You're here to donate for Lucy Adams? Yeah.
Unless you do vasectomies at all? Am I right in assuming you've never done this before? You've led a sheltered life.
I mean at a clinic.
No, I haven't.
Well, it's very simple.
You go in that room there and you provide us with a sample.
A sample? Yes.
Sorry to be crude, but I can't give a sample.
It's going to be all or nothing.
Yes, thank you, we'll take it all.
Can I just check What happens after I've gone in the room? I don't follow.
I'm glad to hear that.
I mean, erm .
.
do you check it? What do you mean? Well, let's say, hypothetically, somebody puts You know, I don't know, a sachet of Timotei shampoo in the jar instead, is that something you'd notice? We would be able to tell, yes.
There's a big difference.
Is there? Yes.
Timotei stings when you get it in your eyes.
Right, press the button when you're done and then that will be your first donation.
First? Yeah, we find eight is about the right number.
Eight? These magazines had better be good.
You donate over of a couple of weeks.
Oh.
Nearly done.
Any drugs or medication? No, a cup of tea will be fine.
Are you taking any drugs or medication? Oh.
No, why? Well, if you had said yes, we might not have been able to accept your donation.
Now you tell me.
We run a psychological assessment for similar reasons.
You mean if I didn't pass, you might not let me donate? That's right.
Fire away.
Are you of sound mind? Ermyes.
Excellent.
Well, if you want to go into the room? Hang on.
Is that it? Ask me if I've killed a man! Like I say, press the button when you're done.
Haven't you got any shot glasses? February 2004.
This magazine's probably had about 50 kids by now.
Hi.
My name's Jeanette.
Oh, great, my mum's name.
Today's just getting better and better.
I think it's time for you and me to have some fun.
All right.
How does KerPlunk grab you? Oh, well, in for a penny, in for a good old pound.
What do you want to do today, lover? I actually want to run away screaming.
I don't want to be the father of a baby.
Anyway, what choice do I have? Come on, Lee, you can do this.
Get in the zone.
That's it, baby, work it.
Oh, God.
Keep giving it to me! Why didn't I just say no? That's it, lover boy.
It's not fair.
Come on, Lee, don't let my daughter down.
I mean it.
Good God, this is specialist stuff.
You've got a job to do.
That's all I need, my subconscious popping up.
Come on, Lee, focus.
You're so hot and I'm so horny.
In fact, I've got something for you in here.
You'll be great, son.
As long as she doesn't come after you for money Get out, get out! You want to see some more? Why, who have you got in your gusset? My Uncle Pete? You're not having second thoughts about being a dad, are you, big boy? I once saw John Craven in ASDA.
Sorry, was I meant to say something about babies? A BABY CRIES Ahhhh! Leave me alone! Yes? Everything all right in here? Fine.
Sorry to disturb you.
Oh, who am I trying to kid? I can't do this.
Don't worry.
This happens to a lot of men.
The trick is not to put too much pressure on yourself.
I'm not looking for tips on technique.
It's no good.
There's too much at stake.
I can't You know.
It's very common, some men have to return several times before they're successful.
In fact, I've even heard of a few men who never manage it at all.
What, you mean like it's a recognised condition? Well, there's no actual name for it.
No, but I'm sure we can think of one.
Cautious Gonad Syndrome? Yeah, it's quite common, apparently.
I'm sorry, just let me clarify this.
You're telling me you were unable to masturbate to pornography? Yes.
Well, that was a waste of all that hard slog on the training ground.
Lee, you promised.
I'm sorry, Lucy, but the nurse said that there are some men who simply can't do it under those conditions and never will.
There's nothing we can do.
So that's it, is it? I'm afraid so.
Such a damned shame, I was really hoping to help you with this.
There's only one thing for it, then.
Forget the whole thing? No, Lee.
We have sex.
Iwhat? You heard.
I went to the clinic.
I did my best.
We had an agreement.
We did, yeah, but you didn't keep up your end.
It will just be simple, non-emotional, very functional intercourse.
The sooner we do it, the sooner it's over.
I can't tell you how much this is turning me on, by the way.
It'll be just like it is the clinic only we cut out the middleman.
That's the whole point.
The middleman won't do what he's told.
If it's cold and clinical it still won't work, will it? Is that right? Yes, it is.
Well, I must say, that is a very convincing argument.
Right Take your clothes off.
Bottom half only, if you like.
Socks off though, show some respect.
What, you want me to keep the scarf on? I can pretend you're a snowman.
Well, you're going to need an extra carrot, because this isn't going to work.
I'm sure once I grab those lumps of coal everything will be fine.
Look, Lucy, perhaps I should go back to the clinic next week, give it another go.
You've told me that won't work.
I know, but you know what they say, "If at first you don't chuck seed" I'm not waiting any longer, Lee.
The next three days are the best for me getting pregnant, I've worked out the charts.
There's no guarantee you're going to get pregnant, you know.
Well, not if you stand there with all your clothes on, I won't.
You don't win the lottery without buying a ticket.
Leave it another week, you might get a rollover.
Take your trousers off, now.
This is all wrong.
We can't do it like this.
This makes me a proper dad, and what happens when that kid asks where he came from and you have to say that you had sex, in a bed, with a man? How is that child ever going to respect you? Oh, God.
So how's the middleman now? Asking for a raise.
Lucy Look, let's think about this.
I'm sure you can find a better donor than me.
It's time.
This is stupid.
It's pointless.
It's not going to work! Is that right? Holy Christ! Are you still telling me this won't work? No.
In fact, I'm afraid it just has.
Sorry.
So, are you ready to try again? I don't know if you know much about this sort of thing, Lucy, but two minutes really isn't enough.
Look, can you just sit down a moment? Look at us.
This is ridiculous and I think you know it is.
Don't you think you're jumping the gun a bit? That's rich coming from you.
You know what I mean.
There's no need to panic, you've got years ahead of you.
I bet Mr Right is closer than you think and when he has the courage to tell you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, settle down, have children you'll be pleased that you did things in the right order.
I can't lie.
When what happened just happened I did feel quite a big sense of relief.
Did you? Are you seriously asking me that question? You know what I mean.
This isn't me, is it? Or how I want to do things.
I still want a baby but, like you say, there's still time to do it properly.
And when that time comes, you're going to be great.
Do you really think I'll be a good mum? I meant the sex.
Thanks.
What for? Making me see sense.
You know, when what happened just happened, I think I did it subconsciously, because I knew what you were doing was the wrong thing.
In a way, I took the bullet.
I think you'll find my slippers did that.
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # Yeah, not going out We are not going out.
And you're absolutely sure about this? Of course.
And I'm flattered.
You don't think it's wrong? It's the most natural thing in the world.
I'm a guy, you're a girl.
So I am! I wondered what these things were doing here.
Oh, Mike, I feel like my whole life has been leading up to this moment.
Ahem.
I thought tonight was poker night.
So did he, by the look of him.
Anyway, thanks again, Mike, for everything and I'll see you at work tomorrow and we'll chat some more then.
OK.
Bye.
Why do I suddenly feel like a gooseberry? Because you're bitter and nobody really likes you? Who was that? He's just a guy from the office.
What do you think of him, though? He's all right, isn't he? Nice features.
Good build.
Sorry, are you thinking of sleeping with him or listing him on Rightmove.
com? I'm not going out with him.
I told you, he's just a guy from work.
A guy from work who you want to know if I find attractive? Either you've got designs on him, or you're thinking of roping me into a threesome.
You've got the wrong end of the stick.
Don't start giving out positions, I haven't agreed yet.
Mike's going back home to Australia next month to live.
I'm not having any kind of relationship with him, OK? OK.
I'm just having his baby, that's all.
You're having his baby? Yep.
You mean you're doing some baby-sitting for him? No.
You mean Baby is the name of his dog, which you're having when he goes back to Australia? No.
You mean you're learning to play the clarinet, you just accidentally got every word in that sentence wrong? I suppose I have to tell you at some point, I've decided I want a baby.
I'm not in a relationship, so Mike is providing the sperm.
That's it.
Since when did you want a kid? I've always planned on having a baby eventually, but recently I've been thinking it might never happen.
Why not? Well, you know, tick, tick, tick What, because you've got ticks? I mean I'm not getting any younger, Lee.
I don't want to end up childless.
I want a baby.
Now.
With some bloke from work? I initially thought of using an anonymous sperm donor, but I don't know, it all felt all too impersonal.
I want to know what they look like.
They all look exactly the same.
They're like little tiny tadpoles.
Not the sperm, the man.
I know a lesbian couple who involved a male friend this way and it worked for them.
Who'd have thought I could ever hear that sentence and feel unhappy? There's nothing sexual about this, Lee.
I'm not sleeping with Mike.
He provides a sample at the clinic which is frozen until I go in to receive it.
Oh, so that's why Mum's gone to Iceland.
You hardly know him! That's the whole point.
I don't want him to have anything to do with the baby.
It will be purely a functional, unemotional, biological process.
Phwoar! Keep talking, C-3PO.
Or would you rather I shag him? No.
Good, because I'm not going to and I'm not doing it the other way either.
It's disgusting.
What other way? You know, the old turkey baster.
No, I don't think I've met that one.
Just the Aussie.
I approached Mike a few days ago and explained my situation.
Told him I was worried about getting older and wanted to take things into my own hands.
Lucky Mike.
Is this what you're going to do, listen to what I'm saying and then make childish double entendres? No.
Mike's planning to help me.
This is a real chance and I'm not going to let it slip through my fingers.
Once this is done, he'll be out of my hair for good.
Well, I don't know much about these sort of things, but if it's in your hair, you might want to ask him to try again.
You don't know anything about this person, the child could grow up to be an alcoholic or a psychopath.
Or even worse, that kid could grow up to be an Australian.
Imagine that, wearing flip-flops at a wedding and stinking of charcoal and fish.
Look, you and the Aussie might be in agreement about all this, but there's a third person who doesn't get a say.
Yes, I know, and of course I've thought about that and yes, it'll have an unusual start in life, but lots of children have Hang on, you're talking about yourself, aren't you? Why, who did you mean? Oh.
What if Mike comes back from Australia, changes his mind and wants to assert his parental rights? Hmm? I mean, have you got a contract? Mike's doing me a favour, I can hardly ask him to sign a contract at the same time.
Well, I'd be impressed if he could sign a contract at the same time.
I struggle to even keep hold of the remote.
Morning.
Eggs done the natural way.
Nice change.
Look.
What you told me came as a shock, that's why I reacted the way I did.
Since then, I've slept on it and seen things from your point of view.
And? And I still think you're completely BLEEP mental.
However, I will be respect your decision whatever you decide.
So if I do go ahead with this, you'll support me? Can I just clarify, when you say "support", do you mean in a moral sense, as a friend, with no financial help or time commitments whatsoever? Yes.
Of course I'll support you .
.
but, if you go ahead and do it, I still think you'll be making a huge mistake.
Well, believe it or not, your opinion does matter to me.
I don't know Mike that well and I don't know what he might want to do in the future.
Like you say, I don't even know where I stand legally with something like this.
So you're not going to go ahead with it? No, I'm still going to go ahead with it, I just don't want the sperm donor to be someone I hardly know.
Actually, thinking about it, that Mike fellow did seem like a decent bloke.
Only you were right.
Great swimmers, the Australians.
He'll have sperm like salmon.
I'm asking you to give me the most precious gift a man can give a woman.
Oh, I don't know.
Debenhams gift vouchers are pretty good.
All I'm asking is for you to think about it.
You can always say no.
All right.
No, I won't think about it.
OK, fine.
I understand.
Good.
I mean, it's a really big favour, isn't it, to ask you to put a bit of sperm into a dish and then have absolutely nothing else to do with it for the rest of your life? There's more to it than that, Lucy.
You are asking me to be a dad.
No, I'm not.
There will be no commitment or involvement whatsoever.
That's not what a dad is.
It is in my family.
There must be somebody else you know really well and trust.
There isn't.
What about your brother? Oh, no, maybe not.
You made me realise last night that it has to be someone I'm close to.
It can only be you.
There's no alternative.
Of course there's an alternative.
The alternative is you don't have a baby.
You're right.
That is the alternative, I suppose.
Don't have a baby.
Don't fulfil my dreams, grow old, childless and alone Oh, not the tears.
Why does everything with you come back to bodily fluids? Please, Lucy, stop crying.
All right, I'll think about it.
Will you? Yes.
Just stop the tears.
Oh, thank you, thank you so much! Hang on, I haven't agreed yet.
I don't know how I feel about giving my sperm to a woman without sleeping on it first.
As long as you consider it, that's enough.
I wish you were always this positive every time I thought about knocking one out.
Lucy's gone out of her mind, completely lost touch with reality.
Well, it all makes sense to me.
I rest my case.
I mean, she's not getting any younger.
She's not Jenson Button.
Benjamin.
She's not thought any of this through properly - pregnancy, supporting a kid, being a single mum.
Well, she won't be a proper single mum because she'll have you.
Exactly.
It's all well and good saying I won't be involved, but I will be, won't I? So why have you agreed to think about it? Because I just couldn't say no to Lucy's little crying face.
Yeah, but be careful.
What if it has got YOUR face? So what are you going to do? I don't know.
I can't just say no, it'll break her heart, and I'm definitely not saying yes.
But if she's not expecting any involvement from you, I don't really see what the problem is.
What if she dies in a car crash? Well, that's one way out of it, Lee, but that's quite extreme.
I mean, after the baby's born.
Then I'd have to be its dad, wouldn't I? Or what about when the baby grows up and it wants to hang out with me? Oh, don't worry.
Once it gets to know the real you, it'll stop.
So what are you going to say? I'm going to say no.
It was always a no.
Well, at least her parents will be happy.
How do you mean? Well, they definitely want her married before she has kids.
And blimey, with you as the father, Geoffrey would have gone ballistic! He would, wouldn't he? Daisy, you know what you are? A genius.
Guilty.
I don't have to refuse, I'll get Lucy's dad to do it for me.
Eugh! Not that.
I mean, I'll make sure her dad never allows it.
Daisy, I love you.
Oh, careful.
I don't want you getting me pregnant too.
I've been to the shop.
I bought you some lager and an extra-large bag of Monster Munch.
Do you really think I can be swayed on such an important decision by something as trivial as beer and crisps? Yes.
What flavour Monster Munch? So have you reached a decision? Yes.
Well, come on then, spill the beans.
What, here? Just tell me.
Yes.
You can access my precious bodily fluids Oh, Lee, thank you, thank you so much.
That's wonderful! Hang on.
There's one small condition.
You name it.
No, I'll let you do that.
It's your baby.
Go on.
We have to get your mum and dad's blessing first.
What? Sorry, Lucy, I can't do this unless I know they approve.
But I wasn't planning on telling them yet, I was going to wait until I was pregnant.
That way there's not a lot they can do about it, is there? That's true, and I'm sure your dad will find ways to take his mind off it, involving some rope, a heavy rock, my bollocks and a bridge.
I mean it, Lucy, my crotch is producing nothing without your dad's thumbs up.
Don't hold on to that as an image.
OK, if it's so important to you, then yes.
I'll invite all three parents round tomorrow.
All three? Were you the result of some freak parenting technique as well? My mum and dad and your dad.
My dad? I wouldn't bother inviting him, what help is he going to be? Well, I suppose he could provide the magazines.
You're probably right.
He'll probably turn up drunk or say something inappropriate and the last thing I need is for my dad to start criticising your gene pool.
Actually, maybe we should invite my dad.
I mean, after all, he's got an equal right to know.
OK, whatever you like.
You know, this'll be a real shock to them, but I suppose if I can change your mind, I'm sure I can win them over too.
Over the years, I think they've actually grown quite fond of you.
Not a bloody chance.
Well, sorry you feel that way, Geoffrey, but we respect your decision.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
Hang on.
We need to talk about this.
What's the point? You dad's clearly made his mind up.
You'll impregnate my daughter over my dead body.
Well, it might ruin the mood a little bit, but if you insist.
Don't you want me to have children, Dad? Not mutant Frankenstein children, no.
I don't see why you'd want to go through with it either, Lee.
You take your sample and put it in some cold, sterile piece of apparatus That's no way to talk about your daughter.
You've not started without me, have you? Geoffrey, Wendy - looking foxy as ever.
Sorry about my dad.
Runs in the family.
As if eczema and diabetes wasn't enough.
I got your message, Lucy, love, but it was a very bad line, it kept breaking up.
But I've got the basic idea and can I say, I am honoured you asked.
Sorry? The answer is yes, I would love to be the father of your child.
I've actually asked Lee to be the donor, Frank.
Oh.
So what am I doing here? I wanted your input.
What, like alike a mix of the two? Something old, something new? I'm going to be sick.
She means your input into the discussion, Dad.
Oh, I see.
Well, I think it's a good idea.
Finally putting your hobby to good use, son.
I fail to see the point of this discussion.
Look, I understand your objections, Dad, but I want this and Lee wants to provide the sample.
Well I'm sorry, Lucy, but I don't approve and I intend to do whatever I can to stop this.
What are you going to do, castrate him? Come on, Geoffrey, don't slam the door on them straightaway.
Look, Geoffrey.
It were Lucy that asked Lee to do this.
I don't see why he can't take the opportunity to make a few quid out of it.
There's no money exchanging hands, Dad.
What? You're giving this away for free? Have you gone mad? The offer's come off the table.
Good.
We'll take our Lee's sperm to someone who appreciates it.
Might I suggest London Zoo? I believe they're running a gibbon-breeding programme.
What's that supposed to mean? What does it sound like? It sounds like you're a bloody snob who's saying my son is not good enough for your daughter.
Of course he isn't good enough! I doubt even the gibbon would agree to it.
Don't listen to him, Lee, nobody would be good enough for his little Lucy.
Hundreds of men would be good enough.
Thousands! Ooh, some days I feel like a princess.
Just not this way, and certainly not with him.
Well, perhaps I don't want my family breeding with yours.
Family? You don't know what the word means.
At least our family stays together.
How dare you? I think we all need to calm down.
If I were ten years younger You mean ten foot taller.
Don't you threaten me, sunshine, or you'll regret it.
Bloody toffy-nosed git.
This is the bloodline you want to perpetuate, is it, Lucy? I'll perpetuate your bloody bloodline in a minute EVERYONE YELLS AT ONCE Stop it! What's the matter with you all? None of you care about my feelings, do you? You're only bothered about how it affects you lot.
I just want to have a baby, is that so much to ask? Now look what you've done.
Sorry, Lucy, love.
I don't know what I was thinking.
If you want Lee's sperm, help yourself.
Take as much as you like.
Free refills, as far as I'm concerned.
Mum? Her too, if she wants some.
Darling, if you're sure this is what you want, I won't stand in your way.
You have my full support.
Thanks, Mum.
Hang on, Lucy.
We said both parents.
It has to be both, that was the agreement.
Agreement? What are you talking about? Lee said he'll only go through with this if he has your blessing, Dad.
That's how much he respects you.
Really? All right then, Lucy.
I'm listening.
Look.
I know you've always seen Lee as feckless, lazy, a waste of space A scrounger, occasional thief - don't forget those.
.
.
but the fact he's even offering to do this shows what a good friend he is.
Well, that's a fair point, I suppose.
Please, Dad.
I really want this.
Oh, stay strong.
I'm trying.
No, I mean your dad.
I suppose we have always wanted grandchildren.
Yeah, but think about how we'll be doing it.
Not the natural way, no intimacy at all.
Yes, that makes it a little more palatable.
Are you sure this is what you really want, Lucy? Yes.
Lee definitely wants to go through with it? Of course he does.
You won't pull out at the last minute? If that worked, Lee wouldn't be standing here now.
Then you have my consent.
Oh, hang on, "consent".
That's not the same as "blessing".
No, you're right, Lee.
There's no point going in to this half-cocked.
Are you doing these deliberately? You have my blessing.
Off.
Ah, yes.
You're here to donate for Lucy Adams? Yeah.
Unless you do vasectomies at all? Am I right in assuming you've never done this before? You've led a sheltered life.
I mean at a clinic.
No, I haven't.
Well, it's very simple.
You go in that room there and you provide us with a sample.
A sample? Yes.
Sorry to be crude, but I can't give a sample.
It's going to be all or nothing.
Yes, thank you, we'll take it all.
Can I just check What happens after I've gone in the room? I don't follow.
I'm glad to hear that.
I mean, erm .
.
do you check it? What do you mean? Well, let's say, hypothetically, somebody puts You know, I don't know, a sachet of Timotei shampoo in the jar instead, is that something you'd notice? We would be able to tell, yes.
There's a big difference.
Is there? Yes.
Timotei stings when you get it in your eyes.
Right, press the button when you're done and then that will be your first donation.
First? Yeah, we find eight is about the right number.
Eight? These magazines had better be good.
You donate over of a couple of weeks.
Oh.
Nearly done.
Any drugs or medication? No, a cup of tea will be fine.
Are you taking any drugs or medication? Oh.
No, why? Well, if you had said yes, we might not have been able to accept your donation.
Now you tell me.
We run a psychological assessment for similar reasons.
You mean if I didn't pass, you might not let me donate? That's right.
Fire away.
Are you of sound mind? Ermyes.
Excellent.
Well, if you want to go into the room? Hang on.
Is that it? Ask me if I've killed a man! Like I say, press the button when you're done.
Haven't you got any shot glasses? February 2004.
This magazine's probably had about 50 kids by now.
Hi.
My name's Jeanette.
Oh, great, my mum's name.
Today's just getting better and better.
I think it's time for you and me to have some fun.
All right.
How does KerPlunk grab you? Oh, well, in for a penny, in for a good old pound.
What do you want to do today, lover? I actually want to run away screaming.
I don't want to be the father of a baby.
Anyway, what choice do I have? Come on, Lee, you can do this.
Get in the zone.
That's it, baby, work it.
Oh, God.
Keep giving it to me! Why didn't I just say no? That's it, lover boy.
It's not fair.
Come on, Lee, don't let my daughter down.
I mean it.
Good God, this is specialist stuff.
You've got a job to do.
That's all I need, my subconscious popping up.
Come on, Lee, focus.
You're so hot and I'm so horny.
In fact, I've got something for you in here.
You'll be great, son.
As long as she doesn't come after you for money Get out, get out! You want to see some more? Why, who have you got in your gusset? My Uncle Pete? You're not having second thoughts about being a dad, are you, big boy? I once saw John Craven in ASDA.
Sorry, was I meant to say something about babies? A BABY CRIES Ahhhh! Leave me alone! Yes? Everything all right in here? Fine.
Sorry to disturb you.
Oh, who am I trying to kid? I can't do this.
Don't worry.
This happens to a lot of men.
The trick is not to put too much pressure on yourself.
I'm not looking for tips on technique.
It's no good.
There's too much at stake.
I can't You know.
It's very common, some men have to return several times before they're successful.
In fact, I've even heard of a few men who never manage it at all.
What, you mean like it's a recognised condition? Well, there's no actual name for it.
No, but I'm sure we can think of one.
Cautious Gonad Syndrome? Yeah, it's quite common, apparently.
I'm sorry, just let me clarify this.
You're telling me you were unable to masturbate to pornography? Yes.
Well, that was a waste of all that hard slog on the training ground.
Lee, you promised.
I'm sorry, Lucy, but the nurse said that there are some men who simply can't do it under those conditions and never will.
There's nothing we can do.
So that's it, is it? I'm afraid so.
Such a damned shame, I was really hoping to help you with this.
There's only one thing for it, then.
Forget the whole thing? No, Lee.
We have sex.
Iwhat? You heard.
I went to the clinic.
I did my best.
We had an agreement.
We did, yeah, but you didn't keep up your end.
It will just be simple, non-emotional, very functional intercourse.
The sooner we do it, the sooner it's over.
I can't tell you how much this is turning me on, by the way.
It'll be just like it is the clinic only we cut out the middleman.
That's the whole point.
The middleman won't do what he's told.
If it's cold and clinical it still won't work, will it? Is that right? Yes, it is.
Well, I must say, that is a very convincing argument.
Right Take your clothes off.
Bottom half only, if you like.
Socks off though, show some respect.
What, you want me to keep the scarf on? I can pretend you're a snowman.
Well, you're going to need an extra carrot, because this isn't going to work.
I'm sure once I grab those lumps of coal everything will be fine.
Look, Lucy, perhaps I should go back to the clinic next week, give it another go.
You've told me that won't work.
I know, but you know what they say, "If at first you don't chuck seed" I'm not waiting any longer, Lee.
The next three days are the best for me getting pregnant, I've worked out the charts.
There's no guarantee you're going to get pregnant, you know.
Well, not if you stand there with all your clothes on, I won't.
You don't win the lottery without buying a ticket.
Leave it another week, you might get a rollover.
Take your trousers off, now.
This is all wrong.
We can't do it like this.
This makes me a proper dad, and what happens when that kid asks where he came from and you have to say that you had sex, in a bed, with a man? How is that child ever going to respect you? Oh, God.
So how's the middleman now? Asking for a raise.
Lucy Look, let's think about this.
I'm sure you can find a better donor than me.
It's time.
This is stupid.
It's pointless.
It's not going to work! Is that right? Holy Christ! Are you still telling me this won't work? No.
In fact, I'm afraid it just has.
Sorry.
So, are you ready to try again? I don't know if you know much about this sort of thing, Lucy, but two minutes really isn't enough.
Look, can you just sit down a moment? Look at us.
This is ridiculous and I think you know it is.
Don't you think you're jumping the gun a bit? That's rich coming from you.
You know what I mean.
There's no need to panic, you've got years ahead of you.
I bet Mr Right is closer than you think and when he has the courage to tell you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, settle down, have children you'll be pleased that you did things in the right order.
I can't lie.
When what happened just happened I did feel quite a big sense of relief.
Did you? Are you seriously asking me that question? You know what I mean.
This isn't me, is it? Or how I want to do things.
I still want a baby but, like you say, there's still time to do it properly.
And when that time comes, you're going to be great.
Do you really think I'll be a good mum? I meant the sex.
Thanks.
What for? Making me see sense.
You know, when what happened just happened, I think I did it subconsciously, because I knew what you were doing was the wrong thing.
In a way, I took the bullet.
I think you'll find my slippers did that.
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # Yeah, not going out We are not going out.