Not Going Out (2006) s09e00 Episode Script

Special - Not Going Out Live

1 If anything the cream's making it itchier.
We're on.
Well here we go! The one you've all been waiting for.
The big live performance! There's no room for mistakes, slip-ups or Forgetting lines.
Forgetting lines! Will we remember not to swear? Will we forget our cues? I thought for a moment you were actually going to swear.
I'm not a complete twat.
So we hope you enjoy our Live Christmas Spectacular.
That's our Walton School Ding Dong Merrily on Live Christmas Spectacular, taking place in the School Hall Theatre, this Friday at 9pm.
And that is a Ciabatta.
You mean wrap.
Yeah, but I'm quite middle class now.
Right, stick that on Facebook and we should shift those last few tickets.
I'm really worried about this show.
It'll be fine.
Lots of local mums and dads getting up to sing a song or do an act.
It'll be like Britain's Got Talent.
But where no one has any actual talent.
Exactly, it'll be like Britain's Got Talent.
Why did you agree to it? What could I say? The headmaster asked me to do it and it's for charity.
I felt obliged to say yes.
Do you want to finish that sentence? All right, I felt obliged to say, "yes, I'll get Lucy to organise it.
" Come on, you love putting things on.
I've seen you in clothes shops.
The thought of a big live show makes me terrified.
If it's a disaster I'm going to look really stupid.
Lucy, it's a Christmas show.
You can get away with any old rubbish on a Christmas show.
You're just having a few last minute nerves.
Well I'm not the only one.
All the decent acts are pulling out.
The escapologist cancelled this morning.
Oh, I knew he'd manage to wriggle out of it.
Another act forgot to put it in his diary.
Who? The Memory Man.
What about that mime artist? I've not heard anything from him.
At least we've still got Clive the animal impersonator.
Apparently he's got a different impression for all of Santa's reindeer.
Well his drunken red nose will come in handy.
Shame the other reindeer aren't called Wobbler, Dribbler, Shirt Stainer and Farter.
You could always get up there.
I've heard you singing Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree in the shower.
No chance.
Nobody is hearing me sing.
They'll be too busy watching you have a shower.
I'm not going on that stage.
This is all your fault so why don't you show off your party trick.
Last Turkey in Tescos? Not that one.
I wish I'd never taken you to Puppetry of the Penis.
I mean the juggling.
That was just something stupid I once learned when I needed some extra cash.
It was either busking or donating at the sperm bank.
It's really hard to imagine you performing with a hat on the floor Oh no, they give you a test tube.
What are we going to do, Lee? KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
Please tell me you've changed your mind and you're going to perform in the show.
Of course not.
But I have found a way to help with the quick costume changes.
Watch this.
APPLAUSE How did you manage that? That would be telling.
You've got a twin sister you never told us about? Obviously not an identical twin sister.
Dad! What about you doing a bit in the show? Remember when I was a kid, you used to do that ventriloquism routine? Absolutely not.
That is brilliant.
I couldn't see your lips moving at all.
No thank you, Lucy.
I'll stick to helping your mother backstage and keep my involvement with 'Ding Dong Merrily on Live' to a minimum.
I do not wish to have my dong dinged, merrily or otherwise.
I can't quite believe I just said that out loud.
I'm going to be the laughing stock of the playground.
It'll be fine.
We've still got Toby and Anna doing the big finale.
We're not doing it.
What? We're not doing the song.
But you agreed.
No, Toby agreed, without consulting me.
You're always telling me I should show more initiative.
Yes, but only when I tell you to.
It didn't help that you asked us to learn the most difficult song ever written.
It's not that difficult.
It's a list of all the elements in the periodic table .
Set to a Gilbert and Sullivan tune .
and speeded up.
# There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, # And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, # And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium .
OK, maybe I should have given you Winter Wonderland.
Anna can bring her own frost.
Sorry, Lucy, we tried, we really did, but you're just going to have to find someone else to close your show.
Well I'd better go and start searching then, hadn't I? It's ironic I suppose.
What is? Having to search for a star at Christmas.
You can put the laughs on afterwards.
No we can't.
APPLAUSE This show is going to be a disaster.
Maybe you are going to have to sing.
I've told you, I'm not going on that stage.
Anyway, that would only add three minutes.
I'm sure it'd feel much longer.
That's why I'm going to throw money at the problem and get a professional act to close the show.
An opera singer? I don't think opera is our audience.
Well what's our audience? Oh, you know.
Dancing Dogs, unicycling, Rock Ballads, KFC Bargain Buckets, a cheeky Nandos, custard pie fights, Cadbury's minirolls, Curly Wurlies, Holby City, Chupa Chups, John Lewis ads but not actually shopping there, wafting the duvet after passing wind and watching people remembering difficult monologues.
CHEERING CHEERING AND CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I I don't I don't know I don't know why I don't know why they I don't know why they are I don't know why they are clapping, I don't know why they are clapping, it it is it is written it is written down it is written down over it is written down over there.
I've got it! A knife thrower! A knife thrower? Yeah.
The audience love a bit of jeopardy.
That's why people watch live shows.
Hoping something goes wrong.
Sadists I believe they're called.
Google one now.
A knife-thrower with last-minute availability.
What could possibly go wrong? KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
So I'm guessing you're here to read the meter? No.
I am the Astonishing Juan.
I am the knife thrower.
I know, it was a joke.
Stick around, there might even be another one.
Sorry I'm late, I cut myself shaving.
Not a great start, is it? So first question - are you any good? BUZZING NOISE.
Wow! I'm not sure what's more impressive, hitting it at that distance, or finding a fly in the house when it's actually the middle of December.
Don't start buzzing, he'll pin you to the wall.
Well we certainly wouldn't want that, would we? I'm Lucy.
I am Juan.
Are you here to read the meter? LAUGHS ELABORATELY.
Oh, so it's funny when she says it.
Thank you for coming to see us at such short notice.
I'm sorry, I cannot appear in your show.
There is no point.
Why? Whatever I did would be overshadowed by your beauty.
Oh, how utterly charming.
You can start buzzing now.
Ok, we do a deal.
I will perform for you on one condition - you will be my beautiful assistant.
Well, yes, I suppose that's a possibility Hang on.
I thought you didn't want to go on stage.
And we haven't even interviewed him yet.
We don't know if he's any good.
He just nailed a fly to the wall? The fly was probably in on it.
Anyway, I thought knife throwers are meant to have their own assistants.
It's true, I did used to have an assistant.
But what happened to her was a tragedy.
Don't tell me.
A fly landed on her nose and you couldn't help yourself.
She fell in love with me.
The same happened with the assistant before that and the one before that and the one before that And the one before that.
I try to tell them I prefer keep things professional.
What, you prefer to pay for it? Thanks for coming, we'll let you know.
Lee, I think you'll find I'm the one booking the acts.
If you want a big finale, what about my egg juggling? I thought you didn't want to be in the show? Well, I've change my mind.
And what about the jeopardy you wanted? Juan's act risks violent death.
Yours risks an omelette.
If it is juggling you want, I too can juggle.
With four eggs.
I thought you were meant to be a knife-thrower, not a juggler.
I have many performance skills.
There is no single word for what I am.
Oh please, let me.
Four eggs you say? Well, I too can juggle with four.
Very impressive, my friend.
But I can do five.
So? I can do six.
six eggs? Yes.
Show me.
Am I allowed to keep them in the box? We're booking him.
You You can You can have You can have that You can have that for You can have that for your You can have that for your paella.
APPLAUSE Oh hello.
How's the school Christmas show looking? Not great.
We found a knife tosser.
He's asked Lucy to be his assistant and I'm a bit worried.
Look what happened with Debbie McGee.
She started as Paul Daniels' assistant but they ended up getting jiggy in the magic lady box.
What would you do? If Anna ran away with someone else? I'd be sad for a couple of hours but time's a great healer.
In fact I feel better already.
I thought maybe you could help me.
It's perfectly safe, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
Actually, bad example.
Are you insane? I'm not standing in front of some lunatic I've never met before and let him throw knives at me? I could be killed! Not you.
I meant can you see if Anna will do it? Well, no harm in asking I suppose.
I'm joking! Of course, I'm not going to ask her.
Yeah, because you're worried Anna would think he's amazing.
Like everyone does.
You should read his online reviews.
"The show was astonishing! As was Juan.
If he's ever short of cutlery, he can certainly check my drawers.
" "If I had to give this brilliant entertainer marks out of two, I'd give him one!" "When the truly incredible Juan unsheathes his weapon" I get the idea.
Has Lucy read these comments? No.
Well maybe she should take a look.
Why would that help? They all say he's amazing.
Well she might find some that are less Complimentary.
She won't.
I've read them all.
Maybe she needs to look a bit harder.
There's nothing to find.
Well she might find some new comments get posted in the next few minutes that are a lot more critical.
That's not very likely though is it? Just write your own bloody review! Good idea.
Just make sure you don't make it obvious you wrote them.
Good point.
I'll type with my left hand.
APPLAUSE Where's Juan? He's hiding naked in the wardrobe.
Bit unnecessary.
There's loads of clothes in there.
You You really You really are You really are a You really are a stupid You really are a stupid man.
Well Well you Well you really Well you really are Well you really are a Well you really are a stupid Well you really are a stupid People.
APPLAUSE Look, sorry about before, I was just Worried for your safety.
Well you don't need to be.
He seems very professional.
I know.
I mean, I bet his online reviews must be amazing.
You should have quick look.
Not that I always care what the reviewers say.
I once read one about a particularly good northern comedian.
Do you know what it said? What? His gags are as sharp as his ferret faced features.
Which I thought was a bit harsh.
But I'm sure Juan's are nothing but positive.
Actually this one isn't.
Really? "Avoid at all costs.
The only Astonishing thing about Juan is how much he drinks before a show.
" That's from someone called John Cappuccino.
The next one's from a woman called Brenda Machiatto.
"Perhaps if Juan spent more time concentrating on his aim and less time staring at my breasts, he wouldn't have sliced my ear lobe off.
" What does Emma Latte say? I'll have to cancel him.
Cancel him? But he's the star of the show! Not any more.
I'm booking the opera singer.
Good idea, if they think she's too highbrow, you can always get her to do the Macarena.
These opera singers aren't cheap.
They never are.
I once bought an opera CD Does this gag end with 'Three Tenors'? No.
Did you cancel Juan? Yes.
I slightly exaggerated and said it was because of the HSE.
Good idea, blame your hormones.
Health and Safety Executive.
Oh right.
How did he take the news? Not great.
Turns out we're not the only ones who read the online comments.
He's had a three-month contract to perform on a cruise liner cancelled.
That's a shame.
Oh well, who wants to meet Rob Brydon anyway? APPLAUSE It's Yolanda I feel sorry for.
Who's Yolanda? Juan's fiancee.
Fiancee? But he was all over you.
That was just a bit of silly flirting.
They were saving up to get married, but that might now have to be put on hold.
Apparently Yolanda was really looking forward to this cruise to help recover from her big operation.
Oh, for the love of God.
The big C apparently.
Yeah, I know what a cruise involves.
Thanks for agreeing to meet me, Juan.
That is OK.
I am suddenly not very busy.
That's That's funny, That's funny, I'm That's funny, I'm all That's funny, I'm all over That's funny, I'm all over the That's funny, I'm all over the place at at the at the moment! APPLAUSE Lucy told me she'd cancelled you.
I don't blame her.
After reading those online comments I would have cancelled me.
I am "a drinker", I am a "flirt", I am "a yosser".
What do they even mean, "a yosser"? That was a typo, it should have said tosser.
I'D imagine.
Who knows what they were thinking.
I wish I could get my hand on this Bob Panini or Colin Poppyseed-Muffin.
I am not a yosser.
I am not a drinker.
I am not a flirt.
Well, maybe a little bit of a flirt.
Sorry about that.
Don't worry, I was glad of the attention.
Look Juan, there's something I need to tell you.
What? About those online reviews.
Well, the thing is I .
never believed a word of them.
We've changed our mind.
We want you back.
And Lucy agrees with this? Of course.
A variety show is like a variety pack.
It's mostly boring, but as long as there's a box of Frosties everything is fine.
Juan, you are the Frosties in our variety pack.
Really? You're Grrrreat! Then yes! I will do it! I will throw knives at your wife! Hooray! APPLAUSE And of course what could be more festive than a Christmas turkey? HE MAKES TURKEY NOISES.
Good God.
Even Ant and Dec would say no to this.
It's a full house.
Standing room only.
Are you sure they're not standing up to put their coats on? Look, I know it's been a bit ropey so far.
A bit? The contortionist was all over the place.
Yeah, well I'll let you tell her.
She's a bit up herself.
Look don't worry, they're all just waiting for the big finale.
Juan and Lucy are going to be amazing.
Are you sure that man won't hit you with his knives, darling? With those feathers, you're in more danger of being shot by a hunting party.
What about all those terrible online reviews? It's fine, Mum.
Lee did a bit more investigating and it turns out they were all fake.
How do you know? They were all posted in the same ten minutes.
And all had the same spelling mistake on the word knife.
Did they? Yeah, they'd spelt it with a V instead of an F.
Illiterate fools.
Stupid vucker.
Anyway, once his other clients found out, he got all his bookings back.
Including his cruise with Yolanda.
So all's well that ends well.
And I can hold my head up high in the playground.
Unless he slits your throat! I'll go and check the props.
Geoffrey, you go and get Juan.
What are you doing back here? I thought you were enjoying the show.
Well, we were watching the show.
Health and safety said I need a doctor backstage, so I asked Toby.
A doctor? Yeah, for the knife throwing.
Just a precaution.
Juan's cutting it a bit fine, isn't he? Please don't say "cutting".
I'm still a bit confused.
I thought you got rid of the knife thrower by posting all those nasty comments about him online.
So it was you? You tried to destroy the career I have built up over many years.
I know that feeling.
APPLAUSE It's amazing what I can do with a knife you know.
I quit your stinking show! This is very unprofessional, Juan! Or should I call you Mr Kerr? Tough crowd.
Bunch of vegetarians if you ask me.
What am I going to do? Juan was on next! Is there no one else you can put on? Good idea.
The piano player still knows the music.
What? You can do this.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a huge Christmassy welcome to Anna and Toby! No BEEPing way! # There's antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, # And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, # And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, # And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, # Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, # And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium, # And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium, # And iodine and thorium and thulium and thalium # There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium, # And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium, # There's strontium and silicon and silver and samarium, # And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.
I don't know the rest.
Me neither.
Just make it up.
I hate you.
# There'sNurofen and Piroton and opium and Valium.
# And tinnitus, chlamydia and Xerox and geranium # And Argos, Nickleodeon and Ovaltine and Amazon, # And nylon, scrotum, Polaroid, and Listerine, aquarium # There's Sugar Puffs and Lucozade and gelatine and Windolene # And Toilet Duck, and Cillit Bang, and Dettol Wipes and Mr Sheen.
#And dum de dum and thingy bum and something and fallopian.
There's Stormzy and trapezium and valium and opium.
You've already said valium and opium.
So? So you must know some other words! There's a million to choose from.
I spend so much of my life being cut off by you I don't really need many.
Well perhaps if I'd have cut you off when you agreed to do this we wouldn't be in this mess.
I can't believe you're doing this now.
Do I really deserve all this grief just because of a couple of wrong words? Just get the bloody song right.
I'm talking about when I said "I do".
Up yours, Toby! And a Merry Christmas to you! This is all your fault.
APPLAUSE Ladies and Gentlemen, for your final act and highlight of the evening, please welcome the Astonishing Juanand Lucy! Oh God.
I can't find Juan anywhere! Oh God! AUDIENCE GASPS Ta-daa! You have got to be kidding me.
Ladies and gentlemen, what could be more thrilling and dangerous than a professional knife-thrower? That's right, an amateur knife-thrower with no experience.
Only kidding, folks.
I do have some experience.
What experience!? Keep out of the black and in the red.
Nothing in this game for two in a bed Ow! Sorry.
And please remember - Don't try this at home kids.
Never mind at bloody home.
Don't try it now! Sorry.
OK, you win: I'll sing.
# Rockin' around the Christmas LUCY SCREAMS.
And for Bully's special prize .
with the wheel spinning.
Don't you dare! No!!! Oh, Oh, god! APPLAUSE And again but this time .
blindfolded! RADIO:And finally, a school's Christmas show has raised more than ã600 for a local charity.
A spokesman, a Mr Geoffrey Adams, said GEOFFREY:It was a right bloody shambles! Never should a show like this be allowed to happen again.
I'm just glad it wasn't broadcast live on television.
I still don't understand why Juan suddenly ran off? Probably stage fright.
But it went all right in the end, didn't it? I dunno.
I'd say it was a bit of a close shave.
Yeah, sorry about that one.
Still, saves you going for that Brazilian.
Hey, and maybe the night isn't quite over.
How do you mean? You look very attractive in that outfit.
Is that not sexy? About as sexy as Juan saying "By 'eck, love, you've got crackin' thighs.
" Oh, come on.
If we make it quick we can even catch Mrs Brown's Boys.
It's on in two minutes.
We can do it twice.
Please, Lee, promise me we never do anything like this ever again.
Surely on my birthday.
I don't mean sex.
I mean a big Christmas Live Spectacular.
Don't worry, next year's live show will be a lot more simple.
I've already had a great idea.
What? Oh, God.