Not Going Out (2006) s09e04 Episode Script

Pets

1 # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
ALL THREE: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! We've got good news! Don't tell me, your mother is seeing the window cleaner, and so he's going to clean the greenhouse for free.
Mummy said we can get a rabbit! What? No, I didn't.
I said we'd talk to Daddy about getting a rabbit.
That's not talking, that's hypnotising.
You stay here while Daddy and I have a conversation.
I thought we made joint decisions about things like this.
Well, to begin with, they wanted a dog.
And I knew you wouldn't want that, so I thought a rabbit would be a good compromise.
So, in a way, it was a joint decision.
It just didn't involve you.
I think the responsibility would be good for them.
Well, can't we start with something a little less high-maintenance, like a goldfish or some cress? I had rabbits growing up.
Well, I had nits, but I didn't give them names and little hutches.
Oh come on.
It'll be nice to have a sweet little sniffle-nosed bunnykins.
And how can you say no to those little faces? You shouldn't be raising their hopes like this and then disappointing them.
Says the man who promised them a Harry Potter experience, then made them sleep in the cupboard under the stairs.
If we get a rabbit, shall I tell you what will happen? One day it will die, and they will be sad.
Well, that's another good lesson.
It'll prepare the kids for death.
My parents won't live forever, you know.
They might, just to spite me.
I'm telling you, Lucy, they will get bored with it, and we will be the ones who end up looking after it.
OK, how about this? I will personally make sure they look after it, and if they don't, I will look after it.
You won't have to be involved at all.
Basically the same arrangement we've got with the childcare.
ALL THREE: Hooray! Nothing's been agreed! If we do get a pet, do you promise to look after it properly? To feed it and clean it and play with it every day? ALL THREE: Yes.
And do you know what would happen if you neglected it? It would die.
Exactly.
And it would come back as a ghost and haunt you for the rest of your life.
Yeah, if anything does happen to their grandparents, let me do the talking.
We'll look after it, we promise.
Please, Daddy.
Well, me and your mother have had a serious discussion, and we have made the joint decision that, yes, you can have a rabbit.
Now you cheer.
ALL THREE: Hooray! That was just on the off-chance you happened to agree.
So, why a rescue centre and not a pet shop? Because this way we give an animal a second chance at a good home.
Why do they need a second chance? What did they do wrong the first time? Can I help you? Yes, I'd like you to re-house my husband, please.
I've been spayed.
Not by a vet, by marriage.
Um, we're looking for a rabbit.
Well, have a look round, find one you like, and then we'll do the interview.
Oh, we don't need to interview it, we'll just take the one with the biggest ears.
Don't worry, we understand the commitment.
A dog is not just for Christmas and all that.
I thought you were getting a rabbit.
All right, a rabbit's not just forEaster.
It's not Easter.
All right, a rabbit's not just for We're not going to kill the rabbit, is what I'm trying to say.
Mummy, Daddy, we've decided.
We want this one.
Oh! I bet they picked a really cute one.
I love their sweet little button noses.
What in God's name is that?! We love him, Mummy.
But we agreed to get a rabbit, not araw sausage with teeth.
You don't really want that, do you? Why not? They say, in London, you're never more than six feet away from a rat.
At least this way we'll know exactly where it is.
It's a hairless rat.
It's actually quite rare.
Have you not got one that's well done? He's so sweet! Well, it looks like the kids have decided.
You don't actually like this thing, do you? I think it looks like a scrotum on legs.
But it's not me that's going to have to be looking after it, is it? It's the kids.
And if they don't, you are, because that was the deal.
We'll take it.
KIDS: Hooray! Right, well, this will just be for transportation, but you will need to buy him a suitable home.
Maybe a glass tank? You don't do one with tinted windows, do you? THUD SHE YELPS Take it off! And the other one.
How's Roland? His name is Flopsy.
Isn't Flopsy more of a rabbit's name? What's he got to flop? We've made the banner, we're not changing it now.
Not having second thoughts about getting a pet, are we, Lucy? No.
Mummy, come here! Quickly! Mummy, Flopsy's tummy looks all big.
Pregnant! I knew something would go wrong.
How can it be pregnant? I know it's ugly, but even hairless rats have needs.
It's a male.
I think he's just bloated.
Well, it hasn't pooed since we brought it home.
How do you know? I've been watching it.
I'm not sure I would, if you were constantly watching me.
Mummy, is Flopsy going to die? Of course he isn't.
But he does need to see the vet.
I presume I'm taking him.
Well, unless you're going to Sellotape a sat nav to his exercise ball.
So, what's the diagnosis? Congratulations, Lee, we've got a rat with chronic constipation.
I'd gamble and go for the speedboat.
Doesn't sound too serious.
No, not to you, it doesn't, because you don't have to deal with it, that was the agreement, remember? Deal with what? If you laugh, or even smile, I will kill you.
Go on.
To stimulate his movements, every day, I've got to get some cotton wool and olive oil, and massage its anus.
That's awful.
Well, at least it explains the swollen tummy and the lack of droppings.
Hmm, and the face.
Well? What? Go on, then, in your own time.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lee, but the vet's already swabbed him for today.
But don't worry, I'll be doing it first thing tomorrow morning.
I'll just stay here.
I don't want to lose the best seat.
RAT SQUEAKS SHE GASPS Aww! Oh, you're looking so grown-up these days, Charlie.
I think we should let you stay up a bit later.
Maybe give you a bit more time on the computer? I think you're old enough now to start taking more responsibility for things.
I'm not wiping Flopsy's bum.
Well, just hold him still while I do it.
It's showtime! Well, give me a chance.
I've not had a shower yet.
Oh, I would definitely wait and shower after you've done it.
It's not fair.
Well, we had a deal.
You know what, Lee, you were right and I was wrong.
Right from the start, you said this pet would cause trouble.
I should have listened to you.
I'm sorry.
I don't suppose No chance.
What about if I offered sex? Well, if you think that will make him come out, go for it.
Well, I can't do it on my own, someone needs to hold him.
Benji! Molly! Charlie! Why are you not helping your mother clean Flopsy? He smells funny.
Of course he smells funny.
I would smell funny if nobody cleaned me.
You do smell funny.
That is the great smell of Dad.
Other families manage to look after their pets.
The ones I know get the cleaner to do it.
Well, unfortunately, we don't have a woman who cleans our house.
I can't believe you actually just said that.
Right, I've got to take the car for an MOT.
You three, help Mummy right now.
But Mummy said we could go to the aquarium this morning.
Oh, did she? Well, she's wrong.
You are getting that olive oil and those cotton wool pads and you are taking care of Flopsy.
I mean it, kids, this is your last chance.
When I get back, I want to be able to see my face in that rat's bottom.
Don't.
Thanks for picking me up from the garage, Toby.
No problems, but I'd better be getting back, cos I've got a ton of work to catch up on.
Hang on, don't go yet.
I need you to look up this rat's bumhole.
Hold my calls.
Come on, you're a doctor.
You know about stuff like this.
You're not serious, are you? Yeah, I need you to look up there to see if Lucy and the kids have done what they promised to do.
What did they promise they'd do? Set some kind of bizarre treasure hunt? No, they promised to help cure the constipation of our new hairless rat, by stimulating its anus with olive oil.
Oh, that's annoying.
That was going to be my second guess.
I'm not going anywhere near that.
That is a rodent.
So? Rodents can't do you any harm.
I think two-thirds of the population of medieval Europe would disagree with you there.
Come on, I'd do the same for you.
You come anywhere near me with that olive oil and I am calling the police.
Well, you're lucky.
You don't have to check, cos this cotton wool hasn't even been opened! So clearly Lucy and the kids have done nothing.
And seeing as you're not going to help, it's down to Muggins here to do it.
I knew this would end up bloody happening! Right, come on.
Come on out.
Don't be difficult, you little sod.
RAT SQUEAKS I just want to put some olive oil up your backside.
And yet still he hides.
Ow! He bit me! RAT SQUEAKS Anna did that to me once, when I tried to Right, that's it! The kids had their warning! Get back in the car, Toby, this little fella is going straight back to the rescue centre.
I am not a taxi service.
Good, because I'm not paying you.
Oh, still here? Never mind, I'm sure you'll find a lovely family to take you home soon.
It's me, I was here the other day.
I remember.
You adopted the rat.
Oh, careful.
We haven't actually told him he was adopted yet.
So what can I do for you? I'm returning it.
Why? Because I ended up having to look after it.
That is rather the whole point of having a pet.
Er, no.
The whole point is that the kids were supposed to look after it, and if they didn't, my wife was supposed to do it.
Why? Do you see it as woman's work? No, but we had an agreement.
What agreement? That if she couldn't find a better husband, she'd have to marry a sexist pig.
Can you take it back, please? We don't take returns.
What if I told you that this rat had chronic constipation and had to have its anus stimulated every day with olive oil? I'm still not selling it, am I? We don't take animals back.
We rescue them from unsuitable households.
Our household is unsuitable.
This isn't the first pet we've had.
We've had loads of things go wrong.
Really? Yeah, like the budgie incident.
Our kids tried to help it fly by tipping it out of the upstairs window.
And? Budgie was the name of our tortoise.
And then there was the incident with my daughter and the cat.
I won't go into details, but let's just say my daughter's new nickname is Curiosity.
And then there was the time my sons mixed up the words parrot and pinata.
Give it here.
Hello.
Sorry we're back late, the train was delayed.
Oh, I thought maybe you'd drowned at the aquarium.
Oh, we haven't been to the aquarium.
Oh, really? Well, there's something to add to the list of things you haven't done, right under "caring for the rat".
You agreed to do it this morning.
We did.
What? After everything you said before you left, we had a big talk about Flopsy, didn't we? And we decided that you were right, and so we did the job properly.
But the cotton wool wasn't even open.
Yeah, well, we thought cotton buds would probably be better.
You know, the ones on sticks? Plus, afterwards, Flopsy can use them to do a little majorette routine.
Charlie held him while I swabbed him.
Right.
And then we all went straight back out and got all this stuff for Flopsy.
Ta-da! What's this? We've got loads of new toys for him.
And books and DVDs for how to care for him properly.
We even got him a big new cage.
We paid for it all with our pocket money.
Ahhh.
I helped a bit, but it was mainly their idea.
And we got you this.
Sorry we didn't look after Flopsy properly, but from now on, we definitely will.
I love you, Daddy.
And I'm sorry, too.
I pressured you into getting Flopsy in the first place.
And you were right - these things should be decided together.
You'd never make a big decision about pets without consulting me first.
No.
I love you, too.
We all love you.
Unconditionally? Where's Flopsy? Wellwhen I got back, I thought you hadn't looked after him.
Oh, I bet you were fuming.
I was a bit grumpy, yes.
And so I What? So Idecided to clean him myself.
So where is he, then? He's in the garage.
Why? Well, in case anyone saw me doing it through the window.
Heh.
What goes on between a man and a rat is a private affair, Your Honour.
Well, let's go and get him then, kids.
Let's show Flopsy all the new stuff we've got him.
No! Hold it! He's actually asleep.
After all, he's had his bottom swabbed twice in one day.
He's totallywiped out.
Why don't you kids go and play with your new things and Iwill pop out and get somebroccoli.
Broccoli? Yeah.
I've been Googling rat laxatives.
Just when I thought your search history couldn't get any weirder.
Is that Toby's Taxis? Hello.
Just swung by again to pick up my rat.
Your rat? The one whose anus I've just massaged with olive oil? Three times in as many hours, Flopsy, don't expect every day to be this much fun.
This isn't your rat.
We rescued this rat from you.
I know, but we've seen the error of our ways and now we want it back.
No.
Look, I lied to you before.
The kids didn't really neglect him, I made it up.
I just wanted to teach them a lesson, but now I've changed my mind.
And what if you changed your mind again? Would you bring it back a second time? No.
I'd just release it in a field.
I mean, I wouldn't change my mind! I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave.
All right, what about this? You pop into the stockroom for two minutes, when you get back, the rat's gone.
There's £50 on the counter.
I'll even pop back later with a cake in the shape of a rat's face.
Mmm, sounds yummy, yeah? Cujo! Show the man out! DOG BARKS DOG SNARLS Well? She wouldn't let me have it back.
So, where to now, sir? Fortnum and Mason? Or perhaps I can run you to your club for a game of billiards.
Take me home.
I'm just going to have to tell them the truth.
How do you think Lucy will react? THUD DOG BARKS AND SNARLS Bit like that.
What's going on? I went to get Flopsy out of the garage and it was locked.
The thing is, I haven't really been to the broccoli shop.
It's called a greengrocers, but carry on.
There's something I need to tell you.
I hope you are not going to tell me that you got rid of that rat, after everything those kids have done today? Of course I'm not going to tell you that.
I am going to tell you that the ratdied.
What? I got back from work and he was just lying there.
Poor Flopsy had become more of a Stiffsy.
But he seemed fine this morning.
How did he die? Who knows? Old age? A virus? The big C - constipation.
Why didn't you tell us when we came home? Oh, I didn't have the heart.
I was going to, but then I thought, what if it was the initial lack of care that killed him? You and the kids would never forgive yourself.
That's why I suddenly popped out, to see if I could find a look-alike replacement.
I've been to every pet shop, but nothing.
Did you try the rescue centre again? Yes, I did try the rescue centre, so there's absolutely no point in ever going back there again.
Ever.
So, where's Flopsy now? I mean its body.
Oh, is he in the garage? Is that why you locked it and told us not to go in? That's exactly why, yes.
Well done, Lee, that was very thoughtful.
Really, it was no thought whatsoever.
Well, I think we should have a funeral.
What? We wanted the kids to learn about death, so let's do it properly.
Right now.
Right, well I'll go and box him up, and you break it gently to the kids.
I'll try.
Death can be very complicated for a child.
Yeah.
It's not so easy for an adult either.
This will confuse archaeologists in years to come.
Well, you've all been very brave and very grown-up about this.
Are there any questions you'd like to ask? Can we get a dog now? No.
Well, say something.
Bow your heads.
Ashes to ashes, funk to funky.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the short life of Flopsy the rat.
Flopsy was a kind and friendly fellow, and what he lacked in hair, he gained in attitude.
He had an appetite for life and a great sense of humour.
And although we know he's up there, playing in that great sewage system in the sky, in spirit we know he's never far away.
RAT SQUEAKS Oh, God! Be strong.
Oh, hi, Toby.
Excuse us a moment.
Keep your head bowed in silent prayer.
Put it away! What are you doing? A big favour for you.
I've adopted Flopsy.
What? Well, seeing as you couldn't get him back, I thought I would adopt him, but let you lot have him.
Sole custody.
Maybe I'll just take him to the pictures once a month.
Why are you lot standing around a hole? We're fracking.
Why do you think? I've just told them lot Flopsy's dead! Ah.
So what are you going to do with him? What am I going to do with him? Nothing.
He's YOUR rat now.
I don't want a rat.
Well, then, take him back to the rescue centre.
What, and face up to that scary woman that runs the place? Well, then, take him back to your house.
What, and face up to that scary woman that runs the place? Sorry to interrupt you, Archbishop, but can we get on with the funeral now, please? Yeah, sure.
Toby just came round when he heard the awful news about Flopsy.
Yeah, as a doctor, I wondered if I could help.
How can you help a dead rat? It's amazing what medical science can do these days.
In fact, if you left me with Flopsy's body for just a couple of minutes No.
What's in that rodent box? Nothing.
It's empty.
Why have you brought us an empty rodent box, Toby? He just wondered if we needed anything to bury Flopsy in, but, uh, we've already got something, so you can take it away with you, thank you.
Of course, some people might ask why I even own a rodent box.
Some people, yeah, but not us, we're just grateful you came.
Shall we keep on praying? Maybe your dad should.
See you later.
Right, let's get this funeral over with, shall we? Here lies Flopsy, rest in peace, may god have mercy on his soul.
Right, show's over.
Just a minute.
No point dwelling on the grief, Lucy, let's get back inside.
Molly's written a poem.
Mummy, do you think Flopsy can hear the poem from where he is? Oh, I'm sure he can.
"Flopsy the rat, you were our friend, "but now your life is at an end, You had a sore bottom, "so we rubbed it with cotton," "And now you are dead, we want a dog instead.
" Brilliant! Who wants to go on the PlayStation? KIDS: Me! Lee! "Today our hearts are filled with pain, "Flopsy, we wish we could see you again.
" RAT SQUEAKS Wow, that's a hell of a gift you've got there, Molly.
Whilst you're at it, the tumble dryer needs looking at.
Well, the kids seemed a little shocked.
Yeah, I wonder what caused that.
Oh, hang on, you gave away their pet, then lied and told them it was dead, and then had it come back as a zombie.
Do you reckon that was it? They'll be fine.
I told them I'd made a mistake and it turns out Flopsy was only sleeping.
They've still learned an important lesson.
Yeah, don't fall asleep near Daddy, or he might pop you in a dirty old sock and bury you.
Sorry.
Well, maybe we should all take care of Flopsy from now on.
And talking of taking care of Flopsy If that's meant as a chat-up line, you're in for a disappointment.
I think you need to get used to holding him.
I refer you to my previous answer.
Look who I've brought to bed.
Oh, God! SQUELCH Well, his constipation seems cured! # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.