Not Going Out (2006) s09e07 Episode Script
Bust Up
1 # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
How about this one? Yep, that looks great, I like it.
OK, how about this one? Yeah, that's nice as well.
Why do you need a dress, anyway? You've already got a dress.
I thought I'd go crazy and own two dresses.
I was getting jealous, what with you owning two pairs of underpants.
I just want one thing that makes me feel like a woman, besides three kids and stretch marks.
Can I help you? Just trying to work out whether I can get away without wearing a bra.
Hm, well, you won't get much support.
I'm used to that.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Hey, Pluto, you look great! Remember those days, dear? Yeah, all bouncy and full of life.
Well, gravity makes fools of us all.
I meant the girls, not Well, it's what happens when you have children.
How do you know I've got children? Oh, you've got children.
Do you think those are real? No, definitely not, they're way too spherical.
Real ones are more misshapen.
You are talking about the pearls? No, her breasts.
Oh, right.
No, definitely not, they're way too spherical.
Real ones are more misshapen.
Would you ever consider it? A boob job? I don't think so.
It's a bit tacky, isn't it? Not necessarily.
Showing them off in a magazine that comes with a free sachet of Horlicks might be.
No, boob jobs are for vain, insecure types with more money than sense.
Actually, Lucy, I've had it done.
Yeah, but that's different, you know, because No, I've got nothing.
I just mean there are other procedures I'd have done first, like removing my foot from my mouth and putting it on my ankle.
So, um, when did you have it done? Just after Jack was born.
You let a little lodger live inside you for nine months and they just trash the place.
If your body was a studio flat, they'd never get the deposit back.
It's the best thing I've ever done.
It made me feel much better about myself.
Have you tried the pencil test? The what? You know, you place a pencil under each breast, if they don't fall to the floor, you know things aren't quite as pert as they used to be.
Mind you, in this digital age, who uses a pencil any more? Well, I reckon I could get a couple of iPads under there now.
So I was saying all this stuff about boob jobs and it turns out Anna's had one done.
She's had one done? Wouldn't that make her lopsided? By the way, why have two pencils suddenly appeared next to the bathroom mirror? No idea.
Well, it doesn't surprise me Anna's had a boob job, she's the type that would do that.
Oh, and what type is that? Oh, you know, vain and shallow.
She'd probably have her legs cut off if she thought Gucci made designer ones.
Look at this.
Oh, it's all right for you to read these magazines, but not me? Look at this woman's breasts.
I won't, and you can't make me.
It's that posh actress you like from Casualty.
She's had a boob job.
Has she? Well, it's put me off, knowing she's fake.
I bet she's not even a real nurse.
Celebrities, eh? Well, it's not just celebrities that get it done, you know.
TV SOUND OFF Well, you wouldn't consider it, would you? Oh, I see.
Anna's had a boob job and now you want one.
It's the Nespresso frother all over again.
Look, I'm only vaguely thinking about it.
I'd probably never do it.
But there's no harm in us just having a little chat about it, is there? OK, let's chat.
All right.
What do you want to know? How much does it cost? That's your first question? All right, well, what is a good question? Can you get one big one and one small one? It costs less than that ride-on lawn mower you seem to think we need so much.
Yeah, but you can't sit on a new pair of boobs and scream, "Vroom-vroom.
" You can if you ask nicely.
All right, the most important question: why? Oh, I don't know.
I just feel like I'm getting older and things aren't where they used to be.
You know, when I was in my twenties, I once went out in a bikini top and a man crashed into a viaduct.
Now, the only way my boobs would cause a car crash is if I got one caught under the brake pedal.
I can't believe that you would talk to Anna about this before me.
Oh, we were only chatting about it.
We're women, we sometimes like to talk about things like boob jobs, OK? Blimey! Did Germaine Greer jump in front of that horse for nothing? Why are you so dead against the idea? How would you feel if I suddenly announced I wanted a penis enlargement? I'd say you didn't need it.
You paused! Look, can we talk about this later? I need to go to the supermarket.
I'll come with you.
Don't worry, Asda hasn't started doing boob jobs.
I wish they would.
Buy one, get one free.
Why on Earth would you want to get a boob job? Oh, for God's sake, I didn't say I wanted one, I just said I wanted to talk about it, you know, like a normal couple? We are a normal couple, and so are those.
So leave them alone.
This has really got to you, hasn't it? Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy, but I just feel like someone's trying to take my favourite local pub and turn it into a shiny new Wetherspoons.
My breasts are not like a pub.
Oh, I don't know, they're both places I frequent a lot less since we had the kids.
Am I missing something here? What part of our marriage vows said they're as much yours as mine? "To have and to hold.
" Bloody Anna! This isn't because of Anna.
Do you really think I'm that shallow? No, but she is.
She's not that bad.
Yes, she is.
So self-obsessed, so up herself.
I'm telling you, those fake boobs are the only thing stopping Anna disappearing up her own backside.
Hello.
I don't suppose you heard that, did you? No, I didn't hear anything.
Right.
How could I have, with my head shoved so far up my backside? Bing-bong! Social awkwardness in aisle nine.
Can we have a metaphorical mop and bucket, please? Oh, look, they've got Marmite.
I love Marmite.
No, you don't, Toby, you hate it.
Just like you hate confrontation.
Well, I'm surprised to see you two in here.
Obviously.
Well, you know, we like to try out new places to argue in public.
Waitrose is closed for a refurb, so we're seeing how the other half lives.
It's charming, like being on safari.
Why don't we go and grab a coffee, Lee? I'm feeling dangerously under-caffeinated and un-anxious.
Yes, what a good idea, you two go to the man creche and I'll see if I can find pak choi in this hell hole.
Aisle two.
But here they call it, "I can't believe it's not cabbage".
You never told me that Anna had had a boob job.
Oh, I'm sorry, we did apply for planning permission, so the council should have put the notices up.
How did you, er, feel about it? Could we talk about something less personal? Like how often we have sex, or what style she likes to wax her bikini line? I'm going for every fourth Wednesday and conservatively vajazzled.
Come on, how did you feel about it? I wasn't massively keen to start with.
I think society has too narrow a view of female beauty.
That's good, I might use that line.
Plus, as a doctor, I was worried that even administering a regionalised neuroleptic anaesthesia could result in post-operative systemic toxicity.
I probably won't use that line.
So what's your objection to Lucy having breast augmentation? Breast augmentation is a boob job, Lee.
The medical term is breasts, not boobs or jugs.
Or chesticles.
I'll tell you my objections.
Where does it stop? She might start whittling away at herself until she's just a big toe in a bikini.
I don't want her to change, she looks really great.
And you tell her that, do you? Yeah.
Sort of.
How often? What? When was the last time you paid her a proper compliment? A few weeks ago.
I said she had nice hair.
All right, I said she had a lot of hair.
You know, luscious and thick.
If those are your pet names for each other, I'm assuming that she's Luscious.
If you are so against the idea of her changing the way she is, why not try complimenting her on the way she looks now? Maybe you're right.
"Lots of hair!" Yeah, all right! I was unblocking the shower.
I'm home, my beautiful princess.
Oh, hello.
I got you these.
Lamppost or gravestone? I'm not that crass.
The Esso garage.
Aw.
What brought this on? Well, I was just looking at you in the supermarket aisle and I thought, phwoar! You should be writing these down.
Since Barry White's death, there's an opening for a new Walrus Of Love.
I was looking at your face and your smile, your hair, your beautiful, shiny, correct amount of hair.
And I was thinking, you're as stunning now as the day we met.
In fact, more so now you're not wearing a velour tracksuit.
They were very fashionable back then.
Yeah.
It's amazing what we found attractive back in the noughties.
You're telling me.
Anyway, you were gorgeous then, and you're gorgeous now.
And you've got an amazing body.
Is that right? Yeah.
Especially given that you've had three beautiful children.
Sorry? You're perfect.
What, you mean for a woman whose body has been used as an all-you-can-eat baby buffet? I didn't mean that.
Well, that's what it sounded like.
Is that all this is about, to stop me thinking about having a boob job? No.
And it's called breast augmentation.
But now that you mention it, I don't think you should be considering it.
I think your boobs are fine.
Fine? Not fine, good.
Oh, thanks, Mr Ofsted, I hope they don't get downgraded to "satisfactory".
This is stupid, Lucy, you know I'm more of an arse man, anyway.
Arse man? Arse man? What's that? Some kind of superhero? The Incredible Arse Man, cursed to roam the Earth with all the powers of a total arse? Lucy, you're being ridiculous.
Well, maybe I am, but how come you always get first dibs on that one? Can't I be ridiculous for once and you be the sensible one? Might make a zesty change of pace in this household.
I cannot believe that you are thinking of conforming to society's narrow view of female beauty.
Oh, don't start preaching to me about how women are viewed in society.
You switched off Countdown because Rachel Riley was wearing a cardigan! I've made a lot of sacrifices for this family and I just feel like it's time I did something for me.
Even if it seems silly and irrational to you.
What, and I don't get any say at all? No, you don't, because you don't own my body, Lee.
Oh, well, that's interesting, cos when I wanted to get that tattoo, you were dead against it.
Well, it is one thing admiring Laurel and Hardy, it is another thing committing them to each buttock.
But, yes, maybe I should have been more supportive.
So, if you still want to get a tattoo, Lee, you have my blessing.
Ah, right, but only if you get a boob job.
What's that, tit for tat? You know what, Lee, I was only ever considering doing this.
But thanks for making me realise I do want to do it.
I'm going to call Anna and I'm going to ask her to give me the name of her surgeon, whether you like it or not.
Fine, well, maybe I'll get that tattoo, and then you can kiss my Stan and Olly.
I knew I shouldn't have listened to you.
Don't blame me because you're terrible at paying compliments.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
What did you say about my new shoes? I don't know.
You said, "Ooh, they look comfy.
" What's wrong with that? It suggests that they're practical, yet boring.
Well, I thought they suited you.
I just wanted Lucy to feel good about herself and now I've made matters worse.
And now your bloody wife is round our house helping her pick out new nipples from a catalogue.
I wasn't sure about Anna's augmentation either, but then I saw how happy she was afterwards.
She was more confident, she walked with her head held high and her shoulders back.
To stop her toppling over? Lucy doesn't need help picking nipples from a catalogue.
She's clearly fine at choosing tits.
Sorry.
Can I give you some advice? Be supportive of her decision.
Go with her to the consultation.
Be by her side, help her do something she clearly thinks is going to make her happy.
Oh, you're right.
Of course you are.
I haven't really been considering Lucy's feelings, have I? I'm going to tell her I support her in her wishes.
Thanks, Toby.
Do you want another? Yeah, why not? They should get bigger cups.
Don't you start.
Sorry about what was said earlier.
Which bit? Am I vain, insecure, more money than sense, or have I got my head up my backside? All of them.
I mean, I'm sorry about all of them.
I was a bit dismissive about people who've had cosmetic surgery.
And so was Lee.
Exactly.
It's bad enough being judged by you, but being judged by Lee, in Asda! In an aisle that sells cheese in a can! Well, I'm certainly not judging you, Anna.
In fact, I was wondering if I could have your surgeon's number? I'm thinking of doing it.
Oh.
Well, what brought that on? I want to feel good about myself.
And it's either that or start tucking them into my socks.
So, um, I was wondering if you could tell me what you'd had done, exactly? Oh, nothing excessive.
Just a tasteful augmentation to lift and enhance, may have gone up a cup size, or two.
Less Page 3, more Boden catalogue.
It's OK, Lucy, you can ask me.
Ask you what? If you can see them.
What! I wasn't, I mean Actually, can I? Of course.
I'm happy to show you.
Wow, is this real? Or am I making a cameo appearance in one of Lee's dreams? As Lee would say, crikey, O'Reilly! They are incredible, Anna.
They're like works of art.
Yes.
That's why they stay behind a velvet rope and an alarm goes off if Toby tries to touch them.
Crikey, O'Reilly! Hello? I'm back.
Home at 9.
36pm and not a minute earlier.
I thought Anna was here.
She popped out.
I saw.
I mean, I can see.
She had to pop home to get me something.
What? You're not going to like it.
Try me.
Every now and again, Anna does something that I find surprisingly tolerable.
She's gone home to get me the details of her surgeon.
She knows him well and reckons she can get him to see me quite quickly.
So, I'm sorry, Lee, but I'm going through with it.
Well, I've been thinking about things, and I've decided to support you in your wishes.
What? You deserve to do something that makes you feel good about yourself, and although I still don't think you need a boob job, if you still want to go and see the consultant, I want to come with you, to be there for you.
Oh, right, well, that's great.
And you know I'm not being influenced by Anna having had it done, don't you? I know, me, neither.
What? Nothing.
She's been really good to talk to and she's made me feel really comfortable about it, but I'm not doing it because she has.
I know.
And I'm sorry I said that.
Good.
Although I still want that Nespresso frother.
Noted.
Aw, thanks, Lee.
Hey, you'll never guess what she did? What? She showed me them.
She actually undid her blouse and bra and got them out.
No! Honestly, Lee, they were Impressive.
Impressive? Impressive.
If you'd have seen her body, you would have thought she was 28.
Oh, I'd have said more like 38DD.
But you've seen them and I haven't, so let's go with 28.
Oh, I'm really pleased you're coming with me.
Who knows, you might even think of some questions I hadn't even considered.
And what about heat? Will they melt if she sits next to a three-bar fire? No, they won't melt, but they might freeze up in winter.
That was just a joke.
Like yours.
Mine wasn't a joke.
Right.
And what about the, um, the cost? Lee.
Myself and Dr Rhodes have already discussed this on the phone.
All the details of prices are here.
Blimey.
Now I finally understand the phrase, "You don't get many of those to the pound.
" Sorry, please carry on.
Well, we've discussed on the phone what you wanted to achieve, Lucy, so maybe now I can show you some images.
And we can discuss options.
Wow.
There are so many to choose from.
Any thoughts, Lee? I mean, adult ones.
Yeah, those arefine.
What about those? Yep.
Those? Yep, sure.
He was like this when we were choosing samples in Allied Carpets.
It's all right, you're allowed to say which ones you like.
OK, what about the beige waterproof ones that don't show the kids' Ribena stains? Sorry.
It just feels like a trap, you know, the kind of question you shouldn't answer honestly.
Like when you say, "Are my fairy cakes dry?" Or, "Do you think my mum's attractive?" I'm sorry, I didn't realise.
And do you feel that way? Well, she does sometimes look quite hot, especially in that little red dress.
I meant the fairy cakes.
Right.
Come on, it's all right, Lee, you can say which ones are nice, I won't be offended.
All right, well, those and those aregood.
Those? Really? That's interesting.
What is? Well, it's just that you've gone for the bigger ones, that's all.
Yes, some of those would be quite a dramatic enhancement.
Those patients already had fairly large breasts.
Fairly? I thought I was looking at a pop-up book.
All right.
What about those? Those? They're massive! I need to be able to see over them! They're more the sort of breasts you'd want if you needed to cross the desert.
All right, well, why don't you tell me which ones you prefer? Well, I was thinking of maybe something like this? Well, those are the same size as the ones you have now.
So? Well, I don't understand.
What don't you understand? Well, why go through all this and end up with the same size boobs? Surely the whole point is that you want bigger ones, don't you? Who said I wanted big boobs? You did.
Didn't you? No.
I said I wanted a boob job.
And does "boob" not mean what I think it means? Is "boob" now a slang word for feet? Are you getting bigger feet? Nothing is getting bigger.
Apart from the hole you're digging.
I just wanted a bit of lift and shaping, you know, perkier and up here.
Location, location, location! But definitely not bigger.
Right.
I was only joking, by the way, your fairy cakes are really moist.
Ha.
Is that what you wanted, then, me to end up with bigger boobs? Don't start making this about me.
Well, it's hard not to make it about you, when all the women you've picked out make Katie Price look like an ironing board.
I just thought you wanted bigger boobs, OK? Why would you think that? I just assumed, especially the way you were gawping at Anna's when she whipped hers out.
When did you see me gawping at Anna? I didn't.
Your description of the events just made it come to life.
You should write novels.
Oh, I see.
You were there, weren't you? You saw them.
All right, I came home early and I saw Anna through the window, swinging her baps around like the Hovis bread man.
So why didn't you say anything? Well, what was I supposed to say? "Hi, Anna, nice boobs.
I like the way they follow you round the room.
" I mean, why didn't you say anything to me? Because I wasembarrassed.
Yeah, I bet you were.
Oh, this is all making sense now.
Before, you were all like, "Don't do it, don't throw "the family savings at some morally bankrupt Dr Frankenstein.
" She's paraphrasing.
But then you saw Anna's big old mamas and papas and everything changes.
Not only do you suddenly support my decision, you actually want me to get a pair that look like Right Said Fred have reformed.
That is not true! I'd already chatted with Toby in the coffee shop and realised I needed to support your wishes.
You mean you realised you could end up with a nice big pair.
In fact, the perfect pair, the same as Anna's, but without Anna attached! Perhaps you should go away and give this some more thought.
Fine! You're blowing this up out of all proportion.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lee, I thought that's what you were after.
Do we have to do shopping now? Can't we go home and talk about this? The mood I'm in now, it's probably better if we stay here, in public, where there are witnesses.
I don't understand why you're so upset.
It's your hypocrisy, Lee! I wouldn't have minded if you'd been honest from the start, but you had to pretend to be all noble and new man about it! Really make me feel bad for even considering it, but it turns out I'm married to Benny Hill! I'm the one that didn't even want you to have a boob job in the first place.
Exactly! Right up until you saw Anna's whoppers, then you soon put in an order for an extra large Happy Meal! Whoppers are Burger King, McDonald's are Happy Meals.
Look, I swear, seeing Anna did not make me change my mind about supporting you.
I'd already decided that in the coffee shop with Toby.
Liar! Typical man.
All I wanted was a tiny, tasteful breast lift to feel good about myself, but it turns out you wanted me to end up looking like I'm breast feeding the Mitchell brothers! You know that was eggs.
And to think you had the audacity to take the moral high ground, really making me feel bad! Oh! Lucy, come back! Oh, for Is this what you wanted? Oh, dear, look at me with my big old boobies, they're causing a commotion! For God's sake, Lucy! Oh, hello.
You must excuse me, they're just so big and bouncy and out of control.
You're being ridiculous! Am I? Isn't this what you wanted? No, I thought it was what you wanted! Oh, come off it, Lee, you're a bloke, you love big boobs.
You'd love it if I went back to that surgeon and asked for double helpings of Anna's humongous devil fun bags! Will you keep your voice down! Why? Are the big boobies embarrassing you? Look at me, everyone, look at my boobs, I'm Anna.
Look at my big, fake, ridiculous, stupid, bobbly Tupperware knockers! You know, Anna, I really think it's time we considered ordering our groceries online.
I got you this.
How are you feeling? Mortified.
Embarrassed.
Like a massive tit.
At least there's one silver lining.
Toby told you the truth about the fact that I'd already decided to support you.
Because I love you.
Not because I saw Anna's boobs.
I'm sorry, Lee.
I shouldn't have doubted you.
I'm going to call round to Anna's tomorrow to apologise.
Don't worry, Anna's got thick skin.
I bet that surgeon had to use a pneumatic drill.
Oh, bit late for coffee, isn't it? Well, I thought you'd want to try out our new Nespresso frother.
It arrived this afternoon.
Aw, thanks.
And just to be absolutely clear, it's exactly the same as Anna's milk frother, but I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the old milk whisk you've got in the kitchen drawer.
I have been behaving a bit irrationally, haven't I? Like that consultant said, I need to give the whole thing a lot more thought.
So I've decided, for now, no breast augmentation.
So your boobs are on hold.
If that's you trying it on, let me finish my coffee.
I'm glad you're not going through with it.
You're perfect.
Aw, thanks.
I love you, you psycho.
Hey, and maybe I won't get that penis enlargement.
Good.
You paused again! # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
How about this one? Yep, that looks great, I like it.
OK, how about this one? Yeah, that's nice as well.
Why do you need a dress, anyway? You've already got a dress.
I thought I'd go crazy and own two dresses.
I was getting jealous, what with you owning two pairs of underpants.
I just want one thing that makes me feel like a woman, besides three kids and stretch marks.
Can I help you? Just trying to work out whether I can get away without wearing a bra.
Hm, well, you won't get much support.
I'm used to that.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Hey, Pluto, you look great! Remember those days, dear? Yeah, all bouncy and full of life.
Well, gravity makes fools of us all.
I meant the girls, not Well, it's what happens when you have children.
How do you know I've got children? Oh, you've got children.
Do you think those are real? No, definitely not, they're way too spherical.
Real ones are more misshapen.
You are talking about the pearls? No, her breasts.
Oh, right.
No, definitely not, they're way too spherical.
Real ones are more misshapen.
Would you ever consider it? A boob job? I don't think so.
It's a bit tacky, isn't it? Not necessarily.
Showing them off in a magazine that comes with a free sachet of Horlicks might be.
No, boob jobs are for vain, insecure types with more money than sense.
Actually, Lucy, I've had it done.
Yeah, but that's different, you know, because No, I've got nothing.
I just mean there are other procedures I'd have done first, like removing my foot from my mouth and putting it on my ankle.
So, um, when did you have it done? Just after Jack was born.
You let a little lodger live inside you for nine months and they just trash the place.
If your body was a studio flat, they'd never get the deposit back.
It's the best thing I've ever done.
It made me feel much better about myself.
Have you tried the pencil test? The what? You know, you place a pencil under each breast, if they don't fall to the floor, you know things aren't quite as pert as they used to be.
Mind you, in this digital age, who uses a pencil any more? Well, I reckon I could get a couple of iPads under there now.
So I was saying all this stuff about boob jobs and it turns out Anna's had one done.
She's had one done? Wouldn't that make her lopsided? By the way, why have two pencils suddenly appeared next to the bathroom mirror? No idea.
Well, it doesn't surprise me Anna's had a boob job, she's the type that would do that.
Oh, and what type is that? Oh, you know, vain and shallow.
She'd probably have her legs cut off if she thought Gucci made designer ones.
Look at this.
Oh, it's all right for you to read these magazines, but not me? Look at this woman's breasts.
I won't, and you can't make me.
It's that posh actress you like from Casualty.
She's had a boob job.
Has she? Well, it's put me off, knowing she's fake.
I bet she's not even a real nurse.
Celebrities, eh? Well, it's not just celebrities that get it done, you know.
TV SOUND OFF Well, you wouldn't consider it, would you? Oh, I see.
Anna's had a boob job and now you want one.
It's the Nespresso frother all over again.
Look, I'm only vaguely thinking about it.
I'd probably never do it.
But there's no harm in us just having a little chat about it, is there? OK, let's chat.
All right.
What do you want to know? How much does it cost? That's your first question? All right, well, what is a good question? Can you get one big one and one small one? It costs less than that ride-on lawn mower you seem to think we need so much.
Yeah, but you can't sit on a new pair of boobs and scream, "Vroom-vroom.
" You can if you ask nicely.
All right, the most important question: why? Oh, I don't know.
I just feel like I'm getting older and things aren't where they used to be.
You know, when I was in my twenties, I once went out in a bikini top and a man crashed into a viaduct.
Now, the only way my boobs would cause a car crash is if I got one caught under the brake pedal.
I can't believe that you would talk to Anna about this before me.
Oh, we were only chatting about it.
We're women, we sometimes like to talk about things like boob jobs, OK? Blimey! Did Germaine Greer jump in front of that horse for nothing? Why are you so dead against the idea? How would you feel if I suddenly announced I wanted a penis enlargement? I'd say you didn't need it.
You paused! Look, can we talk about this later? I need to go to the supermarket.
I'll come with you.
Don't worry, Asda hasn't started doing boob jobs.
I wish they would.
Buy one, get one free.
Why on Earth would you want to get a boob job? Oh, for God's sake, I didn't say I wanted one, I just said I wanted to talk about it, you know, like a normal couple? We are a normal couple, and so are those.
So leave them alone.
This has really got to you, hasn't it? Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy, but I just feel like someone's trying to take my favourite local pub and turn it into a shiny new Wetherspoons.
My breasts are not like a pub.
Oh, I don't know, they're both places I frequent a lot less since we had the kids.
Am I missing something here? What part of our marriage vows said they're as much yours as mine? "To have and to hold.
" Bloody Anna! This isn't because of Anna.
Do you really think I'm that shallow? No, but she is.
She's not that bad.
Yes, she is.
So self-obsessed, so up herself.
I'm telling you, those fake boobs are the only thing stopping Anna disappearing up her own backside.
Hello.
I don't suppose you heard that, did you? No, I didn't hear anything.
Right.
How could I have, with my head shoved so far up my backside? Bing-bong! Social awkwardness in aisle nine.
Can we have a metaphorical mop and bucket, please? Oh, look, they've got Marmite.
I love Marmite.
No, you don't, Toby, you hate it.
Just like you hate confrontation.
Well, I'm surprised to see you two in here.
Obviously.
Well, you know, we like to try out new places to argue in public.
Waitrose is closed for a refurb, so we're seeing how the other half lives.
It's charming, like being on safari.
Why don't we go and grab a coffee, Lee? I'm feeling dangerously under-caffeinated and un-anxious.
Yes, what a good idea, you two go to the man creche and I'll see if I can find pak choi in this hell hole.
Aisle two.
But here they call it, "I can't believe it's not cabbage".
You never told me that Anna had had a boob job.
Oh, I'm sorry, we did apply for planning permission, so the council should have put the notices up.
How did you, er, feel about it? Could we talk about something less personal? Like how often we have sex, or what style she likes to wax her bikini line? I'm going for every fourth Wednesday and conservatively vajazzled.
Come on, how did you feel about it? I wasn't massively keen to start with.
I think society has too narrow a view of female beauty.
That's good, I might use that line.
Plus, as a doctor, I was worried that even administering a regionalised neuroleptic anaesthesia could result in post-operative systemic toxicity.
I probably won't use that line.
So what's your objection to Lucy having breast augmentation? Breast augmentation is a boob job, Lee.
The medical term is breasts, not boobs or jugs.
Or chesticles.
I'll tell you my objections.
Where does it stop? She might start whittling away at herself until she's just a big toe in a bikini.
I don't want her to change, she looks really great.
And you tell her that, do you? Yeah.
Sort of.
How often? What? When was the last time you paid her a proper compliment? A few weeks ago.
I said she had nice hair.
All right, I said she had a lot of hair.
You know, luscious and thick.
If those are your pet names for each other, I'm assuming that she's Luscious.
If you are so against the idea of her changing the way she is, why not try complimenting her on the way she looks now? Maybe you're right.
"Lots of hair!" Yeah, all right! I was unblocking the shower.
I'm home, my beautiful princess.
Oh, hello.
I got you these.
Lamppost or gravestone? I'm not that crass.
The Esso garage.
Aw.
What brought this on? Well, I was just looking at you in the supermarket aisle and I thought, phwoar! You should be writing these down.
Since Barry White's death, there's an opening for a new Walrus Of Love.
I was looking at your face and your smile, your hair, your beautiful, shiny, correct amount of hair.
And I was thinking, you're as stunning now as the day we met.
In fact, more so now you're not wearing a velour tracksuit.
They were very fashionable back then.
Yeah.
It's amazing what we found attractive back in the noughties.
You're telling me.
Anyway, you were gorgeous then, and you're gorgeous now.
And you've got an amazing body.
Is that right? Yeah.
Especially given that you've had three beautiful children.
Sorry? You're perfect.
What, you mean for a woman whose body has been used as an all-you-can-eat baby buffet? I didn't mean that.
Well, that's what it sounded like.
Is that all this is about, to stop me thinking about having a boob job? No.
And it's called breast augmentation.
But now that you mention it, I don't think you should be considering it.
I think your boobs are fine.
Fine? Not fine, good.
Oh, thanks, Mr Ofsted, I hope they don't get downgraded to "satisfactory".
This is stupid, Lucy, you know I'm more of an arse man, anyway.
Arse man? Arse man? What's that? Some kind of superhero? The Incredible Arse Man, cursed to roam the Earth with all the powers of a total arse? Lucy, you're being ridiculous.
Well, maybe I am, but how come you always get first dibs on that one? Can't I be ridiculous for once and you be the sensible one? Might make a zesty change of pace in this household.
I cannot believe that you are thinking of conforming to society's narrow view of female beauty.
Oh, don't start preaching to me about how women are viewed in society.
You switched off Countdown because Rachel Riley was wearing a cardigan! I've made a lot of sacrifices for this family and I just feel like it's time I did something for me.
Even if it seems silly and irrational to you.
What, and I don't get any say at all? No, you don't, because you don't own my body, Lee.
Oh, well, that's interesting, cos when I wanted to get that tattoo, you were dead against it.
Well, it is one thing admiring Laurel and Hardy, it is another thing committing them to each buttock.
But, yes, maybe I should have been more supportive.
So, if you still want to get a tattoo, Lee, you have my blessing.
Ah, right, but only if you get a boob job.
What's that, tit for tat? You know what, Lee, I was only ever considering doing this.
But thanks for making me realise I do want to do it.
I'm going to call Anna and I'm going to ask her to give me the name of her surgeon, whether you like it or not.
Fine, well, maybe I'll get that tattoo, and then you can kiss my Stan and Olly.
I knew I shouldn't have listened to you.
Don't blame me because you're terrible at paying compliments.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
What did you say about my new shoes? I don't know.
You said, "Ooh, they look comfy.
" What's wrong with that? It suggests that they're practical, yet boring.
Well, I thought they suited you.
I just wanted Lucy to feel good about herself and now I've made matters worse.
And now your bloody wife is round our house helping her pick out new nipples from a catalogue.
I wasn't sure about Anna's augmentation either, but then I saw how happy she was afterwards.
She was more confident, she walked with her head held high and her shoulders back.
To stop her toppling over? Lucy doesn't need help picking nipples from a catalogue.
She's clearly fine at choosing tits.
Sorry.
Can I give you some advice? Be supportive of her decision.
Go with her to the consultation.
Be by her side, help her do something she clearly thinks is going to make her happy.
Oh, you're right.
Of course you are.
I haven't really been considering Lucy's feelings, have I? I'm going to tell her I support her in her wishes.
Thanks, Toby.
Do you want another? Yeah, why not? They should get bigger cups.
Don't you start.
Sorry about what was said earlier.
Which bit? Am I vain, insecure, more money than sense, or have I got my head up my backside? All of them.
I mean, I'm sorry about all of them.
I was a bit dismissive about people who've had cosmetic surgery.
And so was Lee.
Exactly.
It's bad enough being judged by you, but being judged by Lee, in Asda! In an aisle that sells cheese in a can! Well, I'm certainly not judging you, Anna.
In fact, I was wondering if I could have your surgeon's number? I'm thinking of doing it.
Oh.
Well, what brought that on? I want to feel good about myself.
And it's either that or start tucking them into my socks.
So, um, I was wondering if you could tell me what you'd had done, exactly? Oh, nothing excessive.
Just a tasteful augmentation to lift and enhance, may have gone up a cup size, or two.
Less Page 3, more Boden catalogue.
It's OK, Lucy, you can ask me.
Ask you what? If you can see them.
What! I wasn't, I mean Actually, can I? Of course.
I'm happy to show you.
Wow, is this real? Or am I making a cameo appearance in one of Lee's dreams? As Lee would say, crikey, O'Reilly! They are incredible, Anna.
They're like works of art.
Yes.
That's why they stay behind a velvet rope and an alarm goes off if Toby tries to touch them.
Crikey, O'Reilly! Hello? I'm back.
Home at 9.
36pm and not a minute earlier.
I thought Anna was here.
She popped out.
I saw.
I mean, I can see.
She had to pop home to get me something.
What? You're not going to like it.
Try me.
Every now and again, Anna does something that I find surprisingly tolerable.
She's gone home to get me the details of her surgeon.
She knows him well and reckons she can get him to see me quite quickly.
So, I'm sorry, Lee, but I'm going through with it.
Well, I've been thinking about things, and I've decided to support you in your wishes.
What? You deserve to do something that makes you feel good about yourself, and although I still don't think you need a boob job, if you still want to go and see the consultant, I want to come with you, to be there for you.
Oh, right, well, that's great.
And you know I'm not being influenced by Anna having had it done, don't you? I know, me, neither.
What? Nothing.
She's been really good to talk to and she's made me feel really comfortable about it, but I'm not doing it because she has.
I know.
And I'm sorry I said that.
Good.
Although I still want that Nespresso frother.
Noted.
Aw, thanks, Lee.
Hey, you'll never guess what she did? What? She showed me them.
She actually undid her blouse and bra and got them out.
No! Honestly, Lee, they were Impressive.
Impressive? Impressive.
If you'd have seen her body, you would have thought she was 28.
Oh, I'd have said more like 38DD.
But you've seen them and I haven't, so let's go with 28.
Oh, I'm really pleased you're coming with me.
Who knows, you might even think of some questions I hadn't even considered.
And what about heat? Will they melt if she sits next to a three-bar fire? No, they won't melt, but they might freeze up in winter.
That was just a joke.
Like yours.
Mine wasn't a joke.
Right.
And what about the, um, the cost? Lee.
Myself and Dr Rhodes have already discussed this on the phone.
All the details of prices are here.
Blimey.
Now I finally understand the phrase, "You don't get many of those to the pound.
" Sorry, please carry on.
Well, we've discussed on the phone what you wanted to achieve, Lucy, so maybe now I can show you some images.
And we can discuss options.
Wow.
There are so many to choose from.
Any thoughts, Lee? I mean, adult ones.
Yeah, those arefine.
What about those? Yep.
Those? Yep, sure.
He was like this when we were choosing samples in Allied Carpets.
It's all right, you're allowed to say which ones you like.
OK, what about the beige waterproof ones that don't show the kids' Ribena stains? Sorry.
It just feels like a trap, you know, the kind of question you shouldn't answer honestly.
Like when you say, "Are my fairy cakes dry?" Or, "Do you think my mum's attractive?" I'm sorry, I didn't realise.
And do you feel that way? Well, she does sometimes look quite hot, especially in that little red dress.
I meant the fairy cakes.
Right.
Come on, it's all right, Lee, you can say which ones are nice, I won't be offended.
All right, well, those and those aregood.
Those? Really? That's interesting.
What is? Well, it's just that you've gone for the bigger ones, that's all.
Yes, some of those would be quite a dramatic enhancement.
Those patients already had fairly large breasts.
Fairly? I thought I was looking at a pop-up book.
All right.
What about those? Those? They're massive! I need to be able to see over them! They're more the sort of breasts you'd want if you needed to cross the desert.
All right, well, why don't you tell me which ones you prefer? Well, I was thinking of maybe something like this? Well, those are the same size as the ones you have now.
So? Well, I don't understand.
What don't you understand? Well, why go through all this and end up with the same size boobs? Surely the whole point is that you want bigger ones, don't you? Who said I wanted big boobs? You did.
Didn't you? No.
I said I wanted a boob job.
And does "boob" not mean what I think it means? Is "boob" now a slang word for feet? Are you getting bigger feet? Nothing is getting bigger.
Apart from the hole you're digging.
I just wanted a bit of lift and shaping, you know, perkier and up here.
Location, location, location! But definitely not bigger.
Right.
I was only joking, by the way, your fairy cakes are really moist.
Ha.
Is that what you wanted, then, me to end up with bigger boobs? Don't start making this about me.
Well, it's hard not to make it about you, when all the women you've picked out make Katie Price look like an ironing board.
I just thought you wanted bigger boobs, OK? Why would you think that? I just assumed, especially the way you were gawping at Anna's when she whipped hers out.
When did you see me gawping at Anna? I didn't.
Your description of the events just made it come to life.
You should write novels.
Oh, I see.
You were there, weren't you? You saw them.
All right, I came home early and I saw Anna through the window, swinging her baps around like the Hovis bread man.
So why didn't you say anything? Well, what was I supposed to say? "Hi, Anna, nice boobs.
I like the way they follow you round the room.
" I mean, why didn't you say anything to me? Because I wasembarrassed.
Yeah, I bet you were.
Oh, this is all making sense now.
Before, you were all like, "Don't do it, don't throw "the family savings at some morally bankrupt Dr Frankenstein.
" She's paraphrasing.
But then you saw Anna's big old mamas and papas and everything changes.
Not only do you suddenly support my decision, you actually want me to get a pair that look like Right Said Fred have reformed.
That is not true! I'd already chatted with Toby in the coffee shop and realised I needed to support your wishes.
You mean you realised you could end up with a nice big pair.
In fact, the perfect pair, the same as Anna's, but without Anna attached! Perhaps you should go away and give this some more thought.
Fine! You're blowing this up out of all proportion.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lee, I thought that's what you were after.
Do we have to do shopping now? Can't we go home and talk about this? The mood I'm in now, it's probably better if we stay here, in public, where there are witnesses.
I don't understand why you're so upset.
It's your hypocrisy, Lee! I wouldn't have minded if you'd been honest from the start, but you had to pretend to be all noble and new man about it! Really make me feel bad for even considering it, but it turns out I'm married to Benny Hill! I'm the one that didn't even want you to have a boob job in the first place.
Exactly! Right up until you saw Anna's whoppers, then you soon put in an order for an extra large Happy Meal! Whoppers are Burger King, McDonald's are Happy Meals.
Look, I swear, seeing Anna did not make me change my mind about supporting you.
I'd already decided that in the coffee shop with Toby.
Liar! Typical man.
All I wanted was a tiny, tasteful breast lift to feel good about myself, but it turns out you wanted me to end up looking like I'm breast feeding the Mitchell brothers! You know that was eggs.
And to think you had the audacity to take the moral high ground, really making me feel bad! Oh! Lucy, come back! Oh, for Is this what you wanted? Oh, dear, look at me with my big old boobies, they're causing a commotion! For God's sake, Lucy! Oh, hello.
You must excuse me, they're just so big and bouncy and out of control.
You're being ridiculous! Am I? Isn't this what you wanted? No, I thought it was what you wanted! Oh, come off it, Lee, you're a bloke, you love big boobs.
You'd love it if I went back to that surgeon and asked for double helpings of Anna's humongous devil fun bags! Will you keep your voice down! Why? Are the big boobies embarrassing you? Look at me, everyone, look at my boobs, I'm Anna.
Look at my big, fake, ridiculous, stupid, bobbly Tupperware knockers! You know, Anna, I really think it's time we considered ordering our groceries online.
I got you this.
How are you feeling? Mortified.
Embarrassed.
Like a massive tit.
At least there's one silver lining.
Toby told you the truth about the fact that I'd already decided to support you.
Because I love you.
Not because I saw Anna's boobs.
I'm sorry, Lee.
I shouldn't have doubted you.
I'm going to call round to Anna's tomorrow to apologise.
Don't worry, Anna's got thick skin.
I bet that surgeon had to use a pneumatic drill.
Oh, bit late for coffee, isn't it? Well, I thought you'd want to try out our new Nespresso frother.
It arrived this afternoon.
Aw, thanks.
And just to be absolutely clear, it's exactly the same as Anna's milk frother, but I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the old milk whisk you've got in the kitchen drawer.
I have been behaving a bit irrationally, haven't I? Like that consultant said, I need to give the whole thing a lot more thought.
So I've decided, for now, no breast augmentation.
So your boobs are on hold.
If that's you trying it on, let me finish my coffee.
I'm glad you're not going through with it.
You're perfect.
Aw, thanks.
I love you, you psycho.
Hey, and maybe I won't get that penis enlargement.
Good.
You paused again! # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.